Big Mothafuckin' Crab Ponies

Big Mothafuckin' Crab Truckers in Equestria
By: Wuten

>Day mothafuckin’ crabs in Equestria.
>You are Anonymous, the DM of your little group of adventurers.
>Twilight expressed interest after you explained the concepts to her, and apparently, her friends seemed at least the slightest bit curious as well.
>So you, being the ever-resourceful DM that you were back on Earth, decided to create one of the greatest homebrewed RPGs that you’ve ever read about online:
>Big Mothafuckin’ Crab Truckers.
“So, basically you’re all either crabs, or crab-ponies, and your objective is whatever the fuck you want it to be. I’ll throw something out at you, and you can choose to either go for it, or ignore it.”
>”Wait, what? This doesn’t sound like what you were telling me about, where’s all the dungeons and dragons?” Twilight asks, clearly confused.
“Now is not the time for medieval fantasy. That comes later.”
>The reference and voice are lost on them, but you continue regardless.
“Alright. Choose your names, what you are, and four things that you’re good at. All four have to end with some form of ‘in’.”
>”Luk ‘Eetin’? Oh ‘Puhtyin’?” Pinkie asks, the pencil held between her teeth.
“Exactly. And you have to pick four of them.”
>”Got it!” Rainbow grins, scribbling down something onto her paper. “Flyin’, definitely!”
>The ponies each take turns coming up with four skills for their respective crab-selves to have, before turning to you. “Alright, we’re ready!” Twilight beams at you.
“Okay. The six of you are all driving a truck of supplies to Canterlo-”
>”What’s a truck?” Pinkie interrupts, raising an eyebrow at you.
“It’s like a small train.”
>”What sort of supplies are we bringing? Is there a crisis?” Twilight asks, curiosity in her eyes.
“I’m getting to that. Any further questions before we continue?”
>The six of them shake their heads in response.
“Good. Now, the six of you are driving a truck of supplies, all the way from Ponyville. All ponies have been wiped off the face of the Earth, barring one city: Canterlot. You six are top-grade assassins, who have been given the assignment of assassinating the leader of the ponies, Kim Jong Pon-”
>”This feels a bit weird, wouldn’t that be treason?” Twilight raises her hoof in protest.
“Not when you’re crab-ponies.”
>”But-”
“Crab. Ponies.”
>Twilight puffs her cheeks out with an annoyed glare, before returning to her character sheet, making a few changes.
“So. You’re all driving this truck to Canterlot to assassinate the leader of the ponies, Kim Jong Pone. It’s a big truck, enough to seat all six of you. Who’s the driver?”
>”Ooh! Me!” Rainbow raises her hoof frantically. “I’ll get us there faster than anyone else!”
“Do you have ‘Drivin’ on your character sheet?”
>You give her a coy smirk, and she hesitates a moment, before scribbling something down. “Yep!”
“Alright. Roll these three dice, take the two biggest numbers and add them together to see how fast you drive.”
>You set three 8-sided dice onto the table, and she takes them into her hoof, rolling them.
>”Booyah! 16!”
>You grin.
“You drive so fast that you crash the truck into a gas station. All six of you roll to escape the truck in time before the explosion.”
>The shocked expressions on their faces is priceless, to say the least. They all roll, and only two of them make the difficulty check.
“Rainbow, Pinkie, the two of you escape the truck fairly unscathed. Twilight, you get a few chips in your claw’s shell from forcing the door open, but other than that you’re fine. Applejack, you take a few burns from the explosion, so you have the effect ‘Singed’ on your character. Rarity, Fluttershy…”
>You sigh.
“Your shells are gone. You didn’t quite make it out in time, and the concussion of the explosion tore your shells clean off. You now have the effect ‘Vulnerable’ and ‘Naked’ on your crabs.”
>The two of them look at each other with concerned glances, before turning to look at you again. “Will we get our shells back? I’d think my crab-pony would feel so lost without it…” Rarity pouts.
“We’ll see. Now, fortunately the explosion didn’t destroy the station in the process. You all can walk inside and see what they have for sale. Depending on what you want to find, you’ll have to make a difficulty roll.”
>”Hm… would they have spellbooks?” Twilight asks, smiling up at you. “I have ‘Magic Castin’ as one of my skills, does that count?”
“It can. Roll 3 dice to see if you find anything good.”
>She rolls, and gets a 15.
“You find a spellbook that contains a spell to burn the flesh of your enemies.”
>Her eyes widen. “A combustion spell?”
“Yep.”
>She giggles a bit too eccentrically for your personal tastes, but you continue regardless.
“Anyone else?”
>”Do they, um… have something we can use to, ah… ‘cover up’?” Fluttershy smiles at you. “I would think that our crabs would want something to wear to replace our shells in the meantime…”
>She rolls and gets a 6.
“You find a bucket.”
>She squeaks.
>That’s adorable.
“Anyone else?”
>”Yeah, they got any rope in here?” Applejack raises a hoof, rolling the dice. “Wranglin’ counts for 3 dice here, right?”
“Yeah, sure.”
>”Sweet,” she grins, tossing them. Perfect 16.
“You find rope made from the finest threads, magically enhanced to stretch to any length.”
>You pull out an extra 6-sided dice.
“Whenever you roll your Wranglin’ skill, add this extra to your roll whenever you use this rope.”
>She grins triumphantly, proud of her purchase.
“Now, anyone else?”
>They all shake their heads.
“Alright. You leave the station, but it looks like your truck is totalled. You are, for lack of a better word, stranded in the middle of nowhere at a gas station… You peer down the road, and see something in the distance: a small squad of guards clad in dark grey armor. They do not look friendly, but they have not noticed you yet. What do you do?”
>”I roll to speak to them. Diplomacy is always the first answer,” Twilight smiles, picking up two dice. She rolls, and gets a 3.
>All of the ponies stare silently at the roll, then at Twi, then at you.
>You can only grin.
“You run towards the guards, waving your claws around frantically trying to get their attention. They take this as a threat of attack, and begin charging towards you. Roll initiative, Twi.”
>She rolls the dice once again, fear in her eyes. 12.
>Just barely made it.
“You quickly duck out of the way, but now they’ve taken notice of the rest of you. There are eight guards in total, and since they saw you all at the same time, I’m giving them all the same initiative. Everyone roll your own to figure out the order of attacks.”
>The other 5 roll their dice, and start planning their way of attacking.
>”I roll to pick one up in the air!” Rainbow grins. “I have ‘Flyin’ as one of my skills, so that’s an extra die, right?”
“Yup. Roll and take the highest two numbers.”
>She rolls, and gets a 9.
>Decent.
”You lift the stallion up by his shoulders, but can barely get him off the ground, being part-crab. He hangs a few feet in the air, and is semi-vulnerable. Next up,”
>You turn to Rarity.
>”I roll to lift all of them into the air with magic!” she says, grinning competitively at you.
“You sure? That’s gonna be a difficult roll.”
>”I believe in my crab!” She shouts, rolling the dice. 2.
>She fidgets a moment, looking at you nervously.
>Another grin curls across your lips.
“You, ah, have a slight ‘problem’ with your spell. It backfires, and now lifts you into the air. You are now vulnerable.”
>She pouts, sitting back in her chair and folding her hooves across her chest. “Fine. Fluttershy, please save me,” she turns to the yellow pegasus, bottom-lip puckered out.
>”Oh, um… alright, I roll to save Rarity!” Fluttershy smiles, rolling two dice. 13.
“You leap into the air. The lack of exoskeleton on your body causes you to flap and give you extra altitude, allowing you to reach out to save Rarity and land on one of the guards in the process. He is now prone. Applejack?”
>You turn to face the orange pone. She grins. “Gonna round up these hooligans with mah new rope!” she shouted, rolling three dice, along with the one you gave her earlier for just such an occasion. 20 in total.
“The crab goddess has smiled upon you. You throw your lasso, and it snakes around all eight of them. Roll once more to snap the lasso tight, forcing them to concede.”
>She rolls the dice again, and gets a 15.
“You snap the rope tight, pulling all eight guards together in a crumpled heap. Does someone want to roll to interrogate them?”
>Twilight begins to raise her hoof, but is stopped by Applejack. “I think I should be th’ one to ask the questions, sugarcube,” she smiled at her friend, before turning to you. “I’ma roll to sweet talk ‘em into givin’ me an’ my friends an escort,” she said. Holding her character sheet to you, sure enough she wrote down “Sweet Talkin’” as one of her skills.
>Damn this mare is good.
“Alright, make the difficulty roll then.”
>She nods, rolling three dice. Natural 16.
>Girl’s got the luck to go with her crab, that’s for sure.
>That or she’s using loaded dice. But that’s ridiculous.
“You shake your crab goods at them and whisper sweet nothings into their ears. You have hypnotized them into a state of near-slavery to your bidding. You release the guards from your rope, and they stand at attention in front of the six of you. What next?”
>”Ooh! Ooh! Can I roll to eat one? My character is starving!” Pinkie grins at you.
>All six of them eye the pink horse with disdain.
>“Pinkie, that’s cannibalism!” Twilight angrily retorts. “What do you think you’re doing?!”
>”Oh c’mooon Twi, it’s a game! And we’re crabs, not ponies!”
“She has a point. It has been a while and the six of you are most likely very hungry by now. Roll, I guess.”
>”Yes!” Pinkie grins, rolling three dice. “Boom! 13! What do I win?”
“You order one of the guards to sacrifice himself for the greater good of the crab-ponies. He steps forward and plunges the spear into his chest, gleeful that he is giving his life for his new masters.”
>The five other ponies grimace at the display. Pinkie giggles; she seems to be getting into the character of her crab rather well.
>Immersion seems to be a strong suit of hers.
“The other seven guard ponies stand at attention, saluting the brave soul as he bleeds out on the ground.”
>Now even Pinkie is slightly uncomfortable. “I… roll to cook and eat him?” she pauses. “Wait, I dunno about this, girls,” she turns to them.
“It’s all up to you.”
>This took a dark turn. Time to get them back on track-
>”We need to move quickly, Pinkie! What about the forces of Kim Jong Pone?” Twilight tries to pull their attention off the situation. “We salute the brave pony and start heading off towards Canterlot with our new escorts.”
>Good on Twi getting the group back on track.
“The spires of the city can be seen on the horizon. It’s a dull grey color, having to become more industrial after becoming the last remaining hub for ponies. The guards are carrying you on their backs, crabs being rather light for them to carry.”
>”What happened to the pony that… um…” Fluttershy mumbles out the last bit so quietly you can’t even hear what she finished with.
“He had a funeral pyre and went to Crab Valhalla for sacrificing himself for the crab goddess. He is in a better place now.”
>A small smile creeps across her lips, as if she was made content with that closure.
>Crab Valhalla’s fuckin’ awesome anyway. Crab bitches and salt water as far as the eye can see.
“Now. Would anyone like to ask the guards anything before they get to the city?”
>”We should see if they’ll give us the layout,” Twilight nods. “That’ll be the most important thing once we get inside.”
>”Or, we could even have them take us there themselves!” Rarity smiles. “...With some subtlety, of course.”
“All are good answers. Since Applejack hypnotized them with her crab-apple hips, I won’t even make you roll for that, you get it.”
>Applejack blushes.
>”Great!” Rainbow grins. “Do they have any aerial surveillance?”
>Didn’t think you’d hear Rainbow say that.
“They have pegasi guards patrolling the skies, but only in the daytime. At night a shield appears around the city, controlled by the Captain of the Royal Guard.”
>”Like my brother during the Royal Wedding?” Twilight asks.
“The very same. The difference is, this is controlled by one of Kim Jong Pone’s right-hand ponies. He won’t be as easy as the guards.”
>The ponies gulp. “He must be a powerful unicorn…” they mutter amongst themselves.
“Think Starswirl the Bearded-tier of powerful.”
>The ponies stare, mouth-agape at you. Nigga must have been more powerful than you thought.
>Unlimited power.
>...Perfect.