Still Night (Suzu route Act 4-1)

Still Night


“Taro made what?” I press the phone to my ear, squinting in the darkness.

“Profiteroles. It's a fancy name for little cream puffs.” Hisao says. Oh, that sounds--

“In chocolate sauce.” He adds.

“I want some.” I reply, maybe a little too quickly.

“Don't worry, I'm pretty sure this recipe is a keeper. Taro is the most popular guy in the dorms right now.” He chuckles. The thought of the few students left all rallying around our classmate and his experiments in French cooking makes me smile.

It hasn't been easy, going from seeing eachother every day to talking on the phone at night. Hisao had remained at Yamaku for the first week of vacation, just dragging his feet before heading home I guess. He didn't seem to have any real reason for it, maybe once you finally start to settle in at a place like our school, it's hard to uproot yourself again any time soon. It doesn't sound like a lot of fun, but the lack of anything to do seems to have made him look forward to our talks even more. Although... although, uh...

I glance at the clock, our nightly phone call has turned into a morningly one.

“It's 4 AM, go to bed.” I'm wide awake even as I say it, and Hisao knows it.

“Sleep is overrated.” He replies. I flop around on the bed, trying to get comfortable despite how exhausted I feel. He doesn't sound quite as tired as me, must be those profligate things.

“If you don't want it, then pass some my way.” I mumble. “And bring cream puffs.”

He laughs, but his tone is gentle. “I would if I could. You know that.”

“Yeah.” I gaze out my window at the dark sky outside. I know that pretty well by now.

“You're doing okay though, right?” He asks softly. “You're sleeping sometimes?”

“Sometimes.” I reply quietly. “Thanks.”

“I did it all for the profiteroles.” He stuffs something in his mouth as he says it, I don't know whether to laugh or pout.

“You're mocking me now.” I groan.

“I can'f help iff.” He replies. I can almost hear him swallow over the phone. “They're delicious.”

“It's not fair.”

“I know.” His tone grows serious all of the sudden. “But like you said, it's 4 AM. You go to bed.”

“Joke's on you, I'm already in it.” I yawn. And it's comfy and everything, but I'm still wide awake.

“Then go to sleep.” He says.

“I can't.” I reply weakly, the stress of last week beginning to show. The line goes quiet for a moment.

Hisao coughs. “Then let's see here. Tonight's scheduled entertainment is...” He roots around for something, then comes back.

“Robert A. Heinlein's 'Starship Troopers'. A riveting tale about soldiers, aliens, and soldiers shooting aliens.”

“You are not telling me a bedtime story.” I try to wipe the grin off my face. “And it's more about politics and the military than action scenes anyway.”

“The cover lied to me then.” Hisao grumbles, but I hear the turning of a page.

“Chapter one. Come on, apes! You wanta live forever?”

“Hisao.”

“What?”

I stare up at my ceiling. “Don't you have to take the train home tomorrow?”

“Who cares about that? There are starships to troop.”

I let out a weak laugh, but... but... he sounds tired now, he sounds worn out. And he needs his rest, I don't want him traveling by himself and maybe missing his train because he stayed up all night--well, all morning--just trying to help me sleep.

No. No, I won't keep him up any longer. Besides, I'm not doing anything tomorrow except reading books and zoning out to daytime television, and maybe spinning in circles in the thick carpet again, that always helps when you feel awful, I've found.

Summer vacation at its finest. Maybe I'll get lucky and pass out a few times tomorrow, but for now, I need to let him sleep.

“Your tour of duty is canceled, soldier.” I don't really want to say goodbye. I don't really want him to go, but I know he has to, even if he doesn't agree.

“Suzu.” He says softly, but I shake my head.

“I'll be okay.” I don't know if I believe it, but I want him to, at least. He shouldn't have to be a zombie when he sees his parents just because of me. He's, he's already done enough.

“I'm going to take your word on that.” He sounds resigned. There's only so much he can do from the other side of a phone, and... I guess we both know that I tend to leave things out sometimes.

But... but there's nothing too bad right now, I wouldn't... I mean, I'm all right. There's nothing I need to lie to him about, I want to say I'm done lying but that would probably be a lie too.

I don't know. It's hard to be sure about anything when your days are just filled with long, hot fatigue. I feel like I'm just watching the calendar tick down, and I guess I am. I finally agreed to go to one of those college success workshops, my parents were delighted. That's coming up this week, I haven't mentioned it yet, but I will, I will. Just, later. When it's not so late at night that it's early in the morning, and when Hisao doesn't need to be asleep right now.

“Goodnight, Hisao.” I whisper, in full knowledge that I might not sleep a wink tonight.

“Goodnight, Suzu. I'll call you when I get home.”

“Okay.”

There's a click as he reluctantly hangs up, and then I'm alone again. Just me, the only one still awake in a house full of memories and regrets.



Warm evening sun washes over my face in waves, the darkness in front of my eyes turning to a deep red every time the car enters the light. The radio is off, I listen to the rumble of the engine and the soft chatter that my parents make as we drive through the city streets.

I pretend to sleep as we head home again, laying on my side in the backseat. It's not very comfortable, the seat belt digs into my hip, but I don't want to move to adjust it, I want them to think I'm out. I want them to think I'm gone. Not because I want to eavesdrop, but because every attempt at conversation so far has been strained at best, and this is the path of least resistance, I guess.

“I just hope she learned something. If nothing else, it was a valuable experience, right?” My dad's voice comes from the driver's seat. I try to block out everything else, listening intently.

“Emphasis on 'value'.” My mother replies, although she doesn't sound annoyed, she sounds... she sounds...

“We both know it's not her fault. We should have asked to go in with her, or told them to keep her awake.”

My mom pauses for a moment. This sounds like a conversation they've had before.

“I know, you're right.” She says. “It's just that...”

She sounds disappointed. And worried and, and stressed. That part is my fault, I think. I'm pretty sure.

“I wanted her to do this on her own, Sumu.” My mother says softly, invoking a pet name for my father that she only ever uses when she's let her guard down. When she's vulnerable. When she's hurt? Now I wish I wasn't only pretending to be asleep.

I wish I hadn't agreed to come here, to do this seminar. I didn't learn anything. All I did was, all I did was sleep through most of it, and when I woke up I didn't know what we were doing, everyone was ten pages further in their notes and I had no idea what the speaker was even saying. I panicked, I felt like I'd been left behind, I HAD been left behind.

I get that all the time back at school but this was different, before long everyone else was up and doing things that I didn't know how to do or where to start. I just... sat there, feeling paralyzed, trying to watch the other students for clues.

My parents had paid for me to come here. They had both taken time off from work, they drove me out here to the city and I, I even managed to hold it together as we walked inside. I was proud of myself, there were streets. And cars and curbs, I don't think I've really been in a place like that since... since last year. Since it happened. But I just took a deep breath, I closed my eyes. I thought about Hisao, remembered his arms around me that day under the power lines, the way it felt. I thought about what he would say, there, if he saw me about to break down at the sight of a sidewalk.

He would say that it was okay.

He would say that things were going to be fine. And he, he would be right there next to me.

He wasn't, but I know he would have been there if he could. We've still been talking on the phone every night, even after he got home. It's been helping me sleep, so far. Some nights. He usually passes out before I do, sometimes I hang up and... and sometimes I just lie there and listen to his breathing. Listen and wish that I was hearing it for real, wish that he was here and that I wouldn't have to be all alone and still awake when the sun comes up again.

But I was able to walk through the streets with my parents, I was able to make it inside the building. The only time they asked if something was wrong I pretended it was a yawn and they believed me, they, they weren't worried. I almost wasn't either once we made it inside, a workshop is like a lecture, right? I get lots of those. I'm one of Mutou's kids, I can handle anything.

My parents wished me luck as they waited in the lobby. I managed to give them a smile, I wasn't doing this for me. I would much rather be home in bed, even if I couldn't sleep. I was doing it for them, I was doing it for Hisao, he had been excited when I told him about it.

I mentioned it was in the city, at a local college in Nagoya. He didn't think to ask if I would be okay.

But that's all right, it was, it was three in the morning when we talked. He says he's catching up with old friends, he mentioned something about avoiding old exes, I would have asked but again, three in the morning. I'm not the best conversationalist when I haven't slept in a day or two, and I cared more about just being able to talk to him than anything else. Just knowing that he was there because he wanted to be, because he wanted to talk to me.

Just knowing that... that this time apart, this distance wasn't changing things. Wasn't making us drift away from eachother, or making me look like some clingy, needy girlfriend.

I guess I'm a little needy. I mean, I fall down a lot and I need someone to catch me or at least make sure I don't hit anything too--

Anyway. I wish he had at least thought to ask if I would be okay. Because I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure until I woke up having missed two thirds of the workshop, and everyone was doing things that I had no idea how to even begin. Right about then, I was pretty sure that I wouldn't be just fine.

When it was over, I wasn't a single step closer to learning how to succeed in college or even get into one, I just, I felt even more like I couldn't do it. Like I wouldn't be able to, even if I did manage to figure out how to get there. I was more lost coming out than I was going in.

The worst part was my parents, though. The bright, hopeful looks they wore when I trudged out the door afterwards. The other students looked fine, they seemed fired up or at least more prepared, but, but I...

The way their faces fell. Even if they didn't blame me, even if they knew it wasn't my fault, there was no doubt in my mind that they were thinking...

“Oh.”

“This again.”

They were glad to hear that I had at least been awake for part of the session. The walk back to the car hadn't been quite as easy as the one there, I kept my eyes on the ground, I watched the cracks in the pavement go by. Just hoping to god that my parents would catch me if I fell asleep again.

Just hoping that they would be better at it than I was.

So now here I am, riding in the back of our old station wagon. Dad had offered to buy us some ice cream on the way home. I love ice cream. But I had just mumbled something about being too tired, and then I laid down and pretended to sleep to avoid any more questions. I had spent the last few weeks before summer break dreading coming back to the house, but now I just want to be somewhere else, somewhere familiar. The extra thick carpets and meticulously comfy furniture are a bonus, too.

“I know,” my father is saying. His words pierce my thoughts.“But there will be time.”

I crack one eye open to see him putting a reassuring hand on my mother's shoulder.

“She'll be okay.” He says. She's been through worse.

He doesn't voice that last part. He's probably thinking it, they probably both are. And it's true.

But it doesn't make me feel any better. My parents fall silent, and I spend the rest of the trip home divided between remembering things I've lost, that all three of us have lost, and wishing that I had never gotten out of bed today.



“So, hmm. Eggs, bread. Can you translate this last part for me, girly?” My father squints at the grocery list in his hands and I frown. My handwriting isn't quite that bad, it's just that legibility isn't very high on your priority list when you haven't slept in twenty-four... thirty-six... a while.

“Coffee.” I smile weakly, pointing to the scribbled words on the paper. “And that's a type of energy drink, they come in packs of twelve.”

“Why is there a 'times two' next to it?” My dad fishes his reading glasses from his shirt pocket. Whether he wants a closer look at the list or he just wants to appear more serious, I'm not sure.

“Because they're delicious.” I mumble. They're really not, they taste like turpentine. But they've been doing a good job of keeping me awake in the few days since the seminar, so I'd like to request a resupply, please.

Now my father is the one frowning. “Burning the midnight oil, are you?”

“Something like that.” I make some excuse about catching up on reading, summer homework, things like that. He studies me carefully, I wish he would stop. I'm too tired for this, and it's too bright here in the kitchen, the light stings my eyes.

“You haven't been sleeping very much, have you girly?” He asks, still maintaining a hint of a smile even though he looks concerned.

“Sleep is for the weak.” I reply. I smile back but my lips are trembling, urgh. That's probably not very reassuring. I wish I could be more convincing, but I'm really, really tired.

It beats the alternative, though.

“Suzu.” My father's voice draws me out of my thoughts. He's dropped the nickname, that's... not good. That's bad.

“The school called us, you know.” His brow is furrowed. “When you had your incident during exams.”

Oh, that. Incident. Interesting word choi--

“Have you been sleepwalking a lot?” He asks. I shake my head, no dad, I haven't, and it wouldn't even be an issue if I just, if I just had those energy drinks so please--

“Girly.” He sets the shopping list aside, focusing all his attention on me. My dad isn't a particularly big man, he isn't large or imposing or anything like that, but he always seems to know what to do. He always seem to know how to fix anything that breaks, except when it comes to the things that matter the most.

Like... like his daughter's head. Or her everything else, after last year.

I feel my eyes begin to burn. Seiji probably learned a lot from him, he, he was pretty good at fixing things too. He always knew what to say, what to do to make me feel better, all he seemed to want was for me to be happy.

...When I got out of therapy, it was because I was starting to be able to sleep at night again. They said that Yamaku was probably the best place I could be, it was closer to a hospital than my parents' house, and there were staff there I could talk to. They highly recommended that I begin meeting with the counselors there, my parents made me promise to do it. I stopped going after a few weeks, I didn't like leaving my room if I could avoid it.

I was in so much shock, after it all happened. I tried to tell them, I tried to tell my parents that it was my fault. They didn't believe me, of course they didn't, how could their little girl hurt the big brother that she... that she loved so much? And I didn't, I didn't mean to.

I didn't mean to.

But it happened because of me. And I told them that, but they didn't believe me. I never told them that I carried that weight, every day and every night for months that went on and on. That I still carry it, even if it's lighter now, even if parts of me have begun to forget, begun to heal.

But I can't forget it all. I never will. And as my father stands in front of me, somewhere between begging and demanding for me to open up to him, I can't do that either. They were so, so happy when my nightmares began to subside. They wept with joy when the therapists said I could go back to school, when I looked them in the eyes and told them that I wanted to go back. But it wasn't because I was all better, it wasn't because I had moved on. It was because I was dreaming of simple, quiet board games instead of red-soaked sidewalks and searing, pure-white terror that drowns out the world and almost drives you blind.

I wasn't better. I was just stable, I was just floating. And being in that house wasn't doing me any favors.

This house.

I reach up to wipe my eyes. My parents were so happy when they thought I was all better. I need to be better for them, I need to be okay. I need to look like it, at least.

“Sorry dad, I'm just really tired.” I force a grin to my face with my last drop of strength. “Exams were really stressful and I kind of freaked out my class, but that hasn't happened again.”

No, there haven't been any more starry nights. Not behind my eyelids, anyway. Outside, yes, and the grass is almost as nice as the carpet inside, it gets pretty hot at night here in the summer. But I haven't had that dream since my last exam. That was one of my biggest worries about coming home, that I would barely be able to sleep and when I did, it would... be the nightmares again, or that they would get even worse.

I hate being right, sometimes.

My dad relents. I've had talks with my mother about the future, but he's talked to me about coming forward if there's something that I need, if there's something that I want. If there's something, anything he can help with. Well I need those groceries, dad. I need the coffee and I need the energy drinks, and I need the wakefulness pills that I dug out from somewhere underneath my bed, but they're long expired and I'm too scared to ask them to pick up new ones.

“You must have a lot of reading to do if you're requisitioning this much caffeine, girly.” He's still giving me a careful look, even as he smiles and picks up the shopping list again. I fire off a salute that is nowhere near crisp, I would have to invent a new army to justify its droopiness. The sleepy corps, or something.

“I'll just go get a head start on it while you deploy then.” I say. He gives a sharp, dramatic nod, ha.

Dad, Dad I'm sorry about lying to you. I'm sorry for a lot of things, I--

Now he's hugging me, was it something I said? Was it something I, something I did? I was pretty sure my eyes were dry by now.

“Don't worry about the other day.” He says, demonstrating his fine-tuned hugging skills. If... if he taught a seminar on those, I would be sure to stay awake for it.

I clench my eyes shut, they aren't dry anymore. “Okay.” I mumble, hugging him back. I don't care about the college workshop. Or at least, I thought I didn't. Maybe I was wrong, because that night was the worst in a long time. A very long time.

“I know you'll be okay, girly.” He tightens his grip, his voice even, measured and low. “You're a tough one.”

Seiji definitely learned a lot from him. “Just because I bounce back doesn't mean I'm tough.” I sniffle. “Maybe I'm just rubbery.”

“All that matters is that you keep on bouncing, girly.” So please keep it up, I wonder if he wants to add.

I want to tell him that I'm not very good at bouncing back at all. I'm like one of those putty things that kids play with, but all stretched out and with little bits of dirt stuck in it. That analogy made more sense before I tried to put it into words, but I want to tell him that I'm not nearly as sure as he is about things. That I don't know I'll be okay, not in the long run. I don't even think I will. I think I'm sinking.

I'm already sunk, if my dreams are to be believed.

But I can't tell him all of that, he thinks I'm still moping about the seminar. I don't care about that, I didn't really want to go to begin with.

I'm not worried about that college workshop. It's the things that it stirred up, the new and old fears, the memories and the guilt that are weighing on me now.

Our hug ends. My father looks relieved, and so I. That's how I look, anyway, and he's glad to see it and that's good enough for me. That's what I want. Well, that and those groceries. I shoo him out of the kitchen and on his way before heading back to my room and collapsing into my bed. Can't... can't sleep though. Even if I wanted to, which I don't.

I reach with arms that may or may not be trembling from fatigue and pull a book closer, wedging a pillow beneath my head with my other hand. Nothing to do now but be really, really tired and hot and wait for Hisao to call while catching up on some reading. I must be about 200 Arabian nights in, only... only 801 to go. I gladly lose myself in stories of sultans and thieves and animals that are entirely too clever. My eyelids were drooping before I had even started, but I don't fall asleep as the sun begins to set, I'm grateful for every moment spent awake. Three weeks of summer vacation left.

I want to go home.



“Y-yes, ma'am. Nice to meet you too.”

“Okay, I will. Thank you. Bye.”

There's a beep as the third phone in the conversation disconnects. “I am so, so sorry.” Hisao's voice comes a moment later.

“I can't believe you never told them about me.” I pout, my face still hot. Tonight he was calling from the house phone, our talks had used up all the minutes on his cell. Everything had been fine until a new voice joined in, asking if Hisao was making use of some erotic phone service.

And that was how I met my boyfriend's mother.

“I'm sorry!” Hisao repeats. “I was going to tell them about you, I just forgot.”

His voice drops. “It didn't really matter.” He says quietly. “I'm used to doing things on my own.”

I remember that he never really talked much about his parents, back at Yamaku. I don't think he ever even called them, it must be weird, coming back home after that. And I'm not actually that angry, it was more embarrassing than anything else, thank god we weren't talking about... about some things. I don't know. Things that we've done. Things that I wouldn't mind doing again, but, but that's besides the point.

“It's my fault for using up all your minutes.” I reply.

“You don't have to apologize for that. Besides, I'm going to buy some more tomorrow, corded phones are for old people.”

I can't help but laugh, even though I'm absolutely exhausted. Somehow, he can tell. “How've you been sleeping lately?” He asks softly.

“Fine. Just fine.” I answer quickly. “What did you do today?”

“Not too much.” He says. “I went in and got my helicopter pilot's license.”

“Oh.” I can't really think of anything to say to that. A somewhat tense silence fills the next few moments.

“Suzu.” He pleads. I grimace, moving to lay on my back in the bed.

I'm sorry, Hisao. “I haven't been sleeping.” I admit.

His suspicions confirmed, he lets out a sigh. In frustration? Is he frustrated at me, or, or is it that he can't help me? I don't know. “Why would you lie about that?” He asks.

I squirm a little in the bed, glancing around at nothing in the dim light of my bedroom, my reading lamp turned to the lowest setting. I just... I mean, I...

“I didn't want to worry you.”

“So you were worried about making me worry about you.”

Um. “I guess, yeah.”

“Suzu.” He sounds like he wants to sigh again, he sounds concerned. But there's a hint of warmth in his voice too. I guess he's used to this by now.

“You worry too much.” He says.

I remember, he said that once before. Back before this whole mess, before we'd even been together for long.

“What happened to the gloomy boy who spent his first few weeks at Yamaku moping around?” I ask, smiling at the memory of dragging him to lunch with Miki and the group.

“He met a girl who passed out all the time and gave him too much time to think things over.” He replies fondly. I feel a blush creep back into my face.

“He met someone who relied on him, so he realized that he had to shape up.” He adds. Hisao...

It's true that he's changed a lot since we first met. I would definitely say for the better, but can I really take credit for that? Sure, I wanted to cheer him up, I wanted to see the person he used to be before he arrived at the school. But he's done so much for me too, so much.

He helped me with my grades. He didn't mind when my dreams ruined our first date. He waited and he waited and he listened when I finally caved and began to let him into my head and, and when I went all the way and told him about what happened, he just listened then too, he heard everything and then he held me in his arms. I'll never forget that, I never, ever want to.

And then after that there was the time that he couldn't stop worrying about me falling and... and ending up like...

But we stopped that, I'm okay now, he doesn't have to constantly be afraid for me, even though I guess it could still... I mean, I guess there's always...

I don't want to think about things like that. I don't want to remember all the times a hooded skeleton would lean over the table and remind me that I could be next. No. No, that's something that isn't going to change, that's a threat that will always be there, so I, I can't... I mean, I shouldn't be...

“Hey.” Hisao's voice drifts through the stillness of my room, I realize that I've gone quiet.

“Sorry, um. I got distracted.” I press the phone back to my ear. It's true though, Hisao. I rely on you. I need you. And by now I, I hope you need me too.

Maybe I do worry too much. But it feels like there's a lot to worry about, these days.

“It's okay.” He says softly. “Think you'll be able to sleep tonight?”

“No.” I confess. Hisao makes a thoughtful noise. After a few moments, he speaks up again.

“Okay. Tell you what, can I call you back? Give me about twenty minutes. You'll be around, right?”

I manage a weak chuckle. “Yeah, I'm not going anywhere.”

“Good.” He says. “Talk to you soon.”

“Okay.” I mumble, not really wanting to say goodbye. There's a click, and the call ends.

I lay there, unmoving, for a few more minutes. I wonder what happened, did his parents come in? Were they upset after all? His mother hadn't sounded mad once we had stammered out some quick introductions. She seemed kind of nice.

With nothing else to really do, I kick my reading lamp up a notch and reach for my book again, having long since changed into my sleeping clothes. I have a feeling that this night is going to be as long as any they might see in Arabia.


Twenty minutes come and go, and my phone is silent the whole time. And not because it's set that way, I, um, checked. Another half hour passes before it begins to ring again, but I'm so tired that I barely notice by now. Feeling kind of numb, I flip my phone open and press the button to receive the call.

“Hi.” I say quietly.

“Hey, I'm sorry. That took longer than I expected.”

“What were-” I pause for a yawn, so tired. “-what were you doing?”

Hisao chuckles. “You have no idea how hard it is to find Tank Fuel in this area.”

Ha... “Last time you drank that, you almost didn't wake up.”

“I should be fine.” I hear the popping of a tab in the background. “I think I'm building up a tolerance.”

So he went out for energy drinks. The ones that we bought, that night at the convenience store. Does that mean...

I wish he hadn't. Now I, now I have to lie to him again, either that or...

“This time, I'm going to be the last one standing.” He says lightly, obviously trying to cheer me up. And it should be working. It should be working. This is just another stupidly clever thing that he would pull. I try to laugh, I really do, but Hisao, it's not going to work.

When I don't reply, he speaks again. “I thought I'd mix things up and declare war on being awake this time.” He sounds like he's grinning, I know that stupid grin. I really, really wish I was seeing it now.

“That's so corny.” I groan. Hisao laughs.

“I mean it, though. I'm all set. I've got everything laid out, I even have some Shakespeare.”

He's... that's dumb. He's going all out for me, I feel awful. Well, my body already did, but now the rest of me does too, I...

“Blow, blow, thou winter wind.” I mutter quietly, sinking back into my bed. “Thou art not so unkind as man's ingratitude.”

“As You Like It.” He whispers. I almost wince, he's gotten so good at this by now. But Hisao, this isn't...

This won't help me. And I don't want to string him along and waste his time.

“Hisao, I...” Can I do this? I want to, I do. I don't want to be alone with this anymore, I don't want to have to do this by myself. I don't want to dump my problems on him, but he's, he's already here because he wants to help.

“Can we...” I already know how he's going to react. I know what he's going to say. He's going to get all worried again, and it won't do either of us any good, because we're a million miles apart. Or something. We might as well be, there's nothing around me but miles and miles of quiet country roads, drenched in moonlight.

But he could help. And I guess he deserves to know this, too.

“Can we declare war on dreams instead?” I have to keep my voice from quivering.

His reaction is immediate, despite how late it is. “Why?” He asks. “What happened?”

“I just...”

“Suzu, what's wrong?” Here we go. I knew this would happen. He's, he's going to be all upset and concerned and worry about me, I wish he didn't have to.

A tear slips down my cheek, fast and hot, before I even know what's happening. Before long it's not alone. “Are you having nightmares again?” Hisao asks.

“Yeah.” I whisper.

“When? For how long?”

I don't respond right away, he anxiously waits for me to speak up. It...

“It started after I went to that seminar.” I say quietly, collecting the memories in my head.

“The college success skills one? You said you missed most of it.”

“I did.” But, but something about that day must have set something off. Maybe it was being in the city, maybe it was the panic I felt when I woke up or my parents' disappointed faces, I don't know.

“What happened?” Hisao asks again.

“I don't know.” I say. “But, that night, I...” I trail off, still struggling.

“Suzu.” He uses that tone that means he just wants to understand, that he needs to. “Tell me. Please.”

I reflexively pull my arms and legs closer to me as I begin to describe my dream that night, curling up a little. It wasn't that complicated, really. There wasn't that much to it. Just darkness. Just nothing.

I've had that kind of dream before, maybe everyone has, the one where it's not really a dream and you just don't really exist, you're just kind of out until you wake up. But I wasn't out, I was stuck there. There wasn't a table, there weren't any stars.

They had all gone out already.

I felt like I was laying on my back, but I couldn't move my limbs, something was pressing in on me from all sides. It was almost like being underwater, but I... I think I knew what it was.

It was dirt. And I was dead.

I tried to move, I tried to scream but I couldn't, it was cold and dark and suffocating and when I finally woke up I was drenched in cold sweat and tears. I spent the next few hours huddled up beneath my covers, trying to think of something, anything to do and hoping and praying that I didn't fall asleep again.

I haven't, not at night anyway. I've been busy, I've been downing energy drinks and brewing coffee, content to be anywhere but there. Stars aren't so bad. Board games are kind of fun. But I don't want that, the thought of going back to that crushing nothing just makes the tears spill down my face faster.

“You should have told me.” Hisao says softly.

I shrug weakly, although he can't see it. What would that have done? It would just make him feel worse, like he probably does now.

But I'm glad I told him. I'm... I'm glad he's here, that he's listening. I wish he was here next to me.

For a few moments, all I hear is the faint noise of crickets outside and the gentle buzzing of static from my phone. Hisao doesn't know what else to say. What else is there? I'm having bad dreams again, and there's nothing I can do about it and right now, there's nothing he can do about it either.

“Suzu, I'm sorry.” He says at last. I try to wipe my eyes, staring at nothing in particular. “I want to be there.”

“I know.” I whisper.

“I want to be with you, right now.”

“Me too.” I mean, I want that too, I...

We're on the same page. We feel the same way, all I want is to see him, to see his smile. To feel him run his fingers through my hair, to have his warm body next to mine to lull me to sleep. But we're stuck here, like this, reduced to disembodied voices trying to comfort eachother.

Hisao says he'll try to get money for the train ride over, I don't have the heart to resist this time. He's sorry, it might take a while though, I can hear the frustration in his voice. That's another thing I was afraid of, that he would feel helpless, feel useless. But you aren't, Hisao. This is better than being alone, this is better than going through this all by myself, trust me. I did that. That's where I was, until... until Miki started coming around again, after I got back to school.

We had been friends before, but were never really close until she stepped in to help me. She made sure I woke up in the mornings, she dragged me out of my room after class. I don't know if she felt sorry for me or what, but she never complained. She caught me and helped me up and carried me when I was asleep so many times that I started to feel comfortable walking around the school again, I started talking to friends and going back to club meetings.

We became best friends. Once I was back on my feet, or close to it anyway, we looked out for eachother, we went most places together. I owe her a lot, maybe everything.

“Miki is coming over next week.” I'm not sure if I'm trying to reassure myself, Hisao, or both of us. She's been calling a lot too, she remembers how hard last summer had been for me.

“I'm glad.” Hisao says softly. “Does she know?”

“No.” Guilt suddenly starts eating at me. I just...

Maybe I wanted to do something on my own, maybe I wanted to prove my mom wrong. But I guess this is different from attending some workshop on succeeding in college. This is, this is hard, and my dreams are scary. Anyone would want someone to talk with about things like that, and I'm lucky to have not one but two people who want to help me out.

“You should tell her.” I had been drifting away again, but Hisao pulls me back. “She would want to know.”

“I don't want...” I begin. I don't want to look like a poor little baby, I don't want someone to have to shush me and tuck me in every night. I just, I just want to have normal dreams again, or bad ones but not quite that bad. Miki's aleady done so much.

“Suzu.” Hisao's voice grows determined. “You are not weak.”

The warmth of the tears staining my pillow seems to suggest otherwise. He goes on.

“I have never had a nightmare even close to what you described. I've never fallen asleep and woken up at the bottom of a staircase, and I've never...”

Still can't say it. Still don't want to bring it up if either of us can avoid it. It still hurts.

But I'm not hurting all by myself anymore, and, and he's right, Miki would want to know if I was having nightmares again. She would have wanted to know from the beginning, but I was lost on how to explain playing battleship. And besides, that wasn't so bad, in hindsight. I was glad, when it was over. But it's better than some things, I know that now and I guess I always did.

“Miki deserves to know.” Hisao says, and I know he's right. “She'll probably try to punch your nightmares right in the face if she can.”

I laugh, wiping my eyes as my face finally begins to dry. “Maybe you can use those science skills of yours to find a way to let her do that.”

“Actually, I... well, never mind.” He shifts gears. “Promise me you'll call her tomorrow.”

“Okay.” I sniff.

“Promise me you'll be okay.”

“Hisao...”

“Please.”

Haven't I lied enough tonight already? But I don't want it to be a lie, I don't.

I don't, I don't.

“I'll try.” I whisper.


We pass the rest of the night unsteadily, Hisao still wants me to sleep if I can, he says he was studying the label on his Tank Fuel on the walk home and he's worried now. I told him that I'd found a brand that works even better and he pretended to freak out, it was... it was good. Great. After a few more hours of just talking, just saying anything, it didn't matter as long as we were together, I felt myself finally beginning to shut down. I drifted away with Hisao's voice in my ear, and now here I am, plastered into my bed, the morning sun's rays assaulting my eyelids.

I... I didn't dream. Or at least, if I did, it wasn't something worth remembering, that's, that's an improvement.

Thanks, Hisao, I...

Thanks.

True to my promise, I reach for my phone, flipping it open to begin punching in Miki's number.