A Higher Power excerpt

"What's the matter Wills?" Buffy asked, wanting to help her overcome
whatever was bothering her. "I'm feelin' better now. Come on tell your Buffy
all about it, you know I love you."

"I-I know." Willow sobbed crying deep wracking, soul wrenching sobs.
"Something happened I...I saw...Oh Buffy I never knew!  How can you stand
it? How do you do it?"

"How I do what Wills?" Buffy whispered softly, "please tell me."

"I-I don't know how, I didn't mean to, but some how," Willow was so sad and
confused she didn't know how to start. "I-I t-touched your mind and I
s-saw...."

"Saw what baby?" Buffy whispered in the girl's ear, her hot breath sending
chills down Willow's spine despite the overwhelming sadness she felt. "Tell
me what's wrong what did you see?"

"I-I s-saw it all, everything you sacrificed, everything you missed, all the
guilt you feel when you fail; I saw the cost Buffy, I saw it all." Willow
whispered still weeping uncontrollably. "I saw what it meant to be a
Slayer!" The young girl finished collapsing back into Buffy's embrace.

Buffy stiffened a little even as she enclosed the Witch in a tight hug--she
had hoped no one would ever know what a high price she'd paid to follow her
destiny.

"You weren't supposed to know," Buffy whispered.  "No one was supposed to
know, not even Giles."

"Oh gods Buffy, how could you live alone with that?" Buffy didn't think it
possible, but Willow began to weep even harder. "I saw the scars 'your
destiny' has placed on your soul! I never knew, oh God Buffy, I never knew,
what all the death and destruction had stolen from you!"  Buffy felt Willow
pause, breathing deeply trying to get her sobbing under control-the young
Slayer was horrified that her soulmate had been subjected to all that
pain-her pain.  Her Willow had too much to deal with by herself; she didn't
need Buffy's baggage overwhelming her.

"I saw how badly it hurt when your first watcher died, how your calling
destroyed your whole life." Willow continued and Buffy knew all she could do
was hold the little hacker until she ran out of steam. "I saw so much pain
and all because of this, this, 'destiny' you're forced to follow!"

"Shh, Willow, shh," The Slayer cooed to her love. "It's over I've accepted
my calling."  She suddenly had the urge to see her lover's face so the
Slayer picked the Witch up turning her to cradle her love in her arms.

"I know, I saw the test and Giles' betrayal." Willow said simply,
calmer-only to break down again as she cried, "I felt your pain, your guilt,
your heartbreak over Angel--Angelus-it wasn't your fault!  You didn't know,
how could you know?  You loved him, oh God, you loved him so much Buffy!"

Buffy sat holding Willow close to her heart as this fresh spasm of sobs
wracked her small frame.

"Please Willow, I'm sorry you saw it, I'm so sorry...." She said stoking her
lover's hot tear streaked face.

"And I felt it, I felt how you loved me and how much it hurt to deny it."
Willow picked up where she left off just a few moments ago. "I also know
that it was me...I was the cause of a lot of that pain.  Mooning over you,
never leaving you alone, constantly reminding you of how alone you truly
were. I'm so sorry Buffy I didn't know.  I really didn't know what I was
doing. I don't understand how you could still want me after what I did to
you."

"Hush now! Wills it's okay," Buffy whispered.  "Its over, it's all over,
thanks to you."

Buffy buried her face in the soft silkiness that was Willow's hair. She
inhaled deeply enjoying the subtle combination of oils, herbs, mixed with
Willow's own chemistry creating a scent that was pure sweet Willow; it was
intoxicating.

"That's all over now baby" Buffy said softly into Willow's hair "You didn't
know anything and you never would have if I could have stopped it. Remember
all that happened over time, over years-not all at once like you experienced
it. It's a wonder you didn't run off into the night screaming. Lord knows I
wanted to often enough."

"But Buffy I saw more than you realize," Willow whispered.  She sat so long
staring out the window that Buffy began to wonder if she had gone to sleep.
Buffy looked up into her lover's eyes-they were so dark they appeared
busied. Then with what seemed like one last hiccuped sob Willow said softly,
"I saw the things you blame yourself for that weren't your fault. I saw the
reason you sometimes wake up screaming in the middle of the night."

"Really Wills, that's all over now." Buffy said as she dropped her face back
into Willow's hair to hide her own tears.  But once there she smelled
Willow's scent again and a delicious feeling washed over her-she couldn't
stop herself from nuzzling and nipping at Willow's neck and ear lobe.

"We've got each other now and no one can ever hurt us like that again I
promise. You are my other half you complete me. Surely with everything else
you saw and felt tonight you must have seen that, too?" Buffy whispered, "If
you hadn't been there, helping me, holding me when I needed you too, then
there would be no Slayer, I would have given up.  But now, with you, I can
be Buffy again."  She sighed, still not used to confessing her deepest held
secrets, "with you by me, as my love, I swear I think I can face anything."

Buffy didn't know where all that came from or how she knew a lot of the
stuff she just said but it was enough that she knew it and said it to
Willow.

Willow could feel the truth of Buffy's words in her heart and felt as if
she'd known it all along.