Drift Away (Suzu route Act 4-10A)

Drift Away


From the moment my alarm brings me back to life, it feels like there's a weight on my chest. Or lump in my throat, or a... a weighted lump, what time is it? The shrieking continues but I just groan and stare into space between blinks, trying to recall what's bothering me, what's wrong. Apart from the fact that it’s morning, anyway.

By now the alarm is so loud that the rest of the floor can probably hear it but I try harder to root around my hazy head, if I don't figure this out soon I'll go deaf, and then Shizune will... oh.

It takes every ounce of my strength, but I raise an arm and then let gravity do the rest. The... the unceasing tone ceases, I guess I can't call it that anymore. But I don't have time to worry about describing things now, I have to get ready for class. I have a date with destiny. Or with something, anyway.

Before I'm even awake enough to go about properly dreading my after school appointment with the student council, Miki arrives, intent on making sure that I really am planning on getting up. Not that I would ever tell her lies if it meant I could sleep in for a few more minutes. And, and not that I would lie about lying, either. Yeah.

But this time, she doesn't have to drag me across my disaster of a floor. That was the other day. Today, things have happened that I want to tell her about, so I take a... a temporary leave of absence from my sheets, and we begin our usual morning routine. As we head out of the dorms I tell her about my talk with Mutou yesterday, about our plan to go into the city with Hisao when he takes the practice exam.

Well. It's his plan, actually.

Miki listens to the whole thing with a careful ear, but she’s grinning as I describe my encounter with the student council president. Not much else happened after that. I decide she doesn't really need to hear the part where I went back to my room, fell asleep, and walked alone through dark and unsteady trailways all night long in my dreams. It wasn't great, but it could be worse.

I'm suddenly grateful that Miki and I had spent an entire day at the start of the year, just going through all the shops in the town down the hill and looking for an alarm clock that was loud enough to always wake me up. It's never really my friend, in fact I, I hate that thing. It's a jerk. But on some mornings, it's like my eject button, it's like a parachute. It's the only point in the day that I know for sure when and where I am upon waking up. The rest of the time I'm trying either to hold on to sleep or come back to reality, struggling to figure out how much I've missed, if anything important happened while I was gone. Whether or not I’m just imagining that new ache in my shoulder. Even if my alarm hurts my ears, even if I hate it, it’s like a necessary evil, almost.

And besides, it's nice having sure-fire escape from my dreams sometimes.

I'm not in my bed anymore, though. I'm not in my room anymore. I’m with Miki and we're walking across the grounds, the sun is bright and the sky is clear.

“I've heard about those practice tests.” My best friend says, holding the door open for me as we reach the main building. I nod in thanks as I go through, not that I know what else to say right now. She'd let me drift for a little bit there but now we're back on the subject of the exam. Back on the subject of the future.

This is the part where, if it was... if that school was in a completely different area of the city, Miki would speak up. If it was surrounded by parks and grass and nice simple things and there was no reason to worry at all, she would definitely tell me. But it's not, and there is. I remember, when I was looking at the address. It's in the same district.

"I'm sure it will be fine" is what she says instead. I just nod again. I don't have to explain why this is hard, I don’t have to tell her why I’m scared. Miki knows better than almost anyone else what things were like for me last year.

"I'm sure you'll be fine." She gives me a gentle bump with her shoulder as we navigate through the crowded halls. I force a tired smile, I want to believe her. From the look on her face, she wants to believe it too.

"Hey, I could even come with you guys, if you want." She says with a wink, even though she still looks concerned. "If three isn't a crowd, that is."

I have to force my smile a little less. "Never."

"Count me in then!" Miki is grinning brightly now. She claps her arm around my shoulder. "We'll let Hisao handle all the boring, studious stuff and then I can show you that store I was telling you about, the one that Molly and I found before the break."

I want to nod again, to grin back, but instead I feel my expression begin to falter. It would be nice to visit a shop that doesn't cater primarily towards old people for a change, but somehow, it... feels wrong.

Celebrating. Going shopping. Maybe something else, maybe, maybe somewhere else. Just not there. Not so close.

And besides, there's no way I can just dump all the studying on Hisao and have fun. He, he doesn't need a practice exam, he's already looking ahead to different colleges and comparing degree programs, and scholarships and a million other things that continue to just shut me down.

He doesn't need any extra stress at this point in the school year, not with finals and graduation on the horizon. What he needs is... I, I guess what he wants is for me to feel like...

"Actually, scratch that." Upon seeing my face fall, Miki changes course without skipping a beat. She gives me a reassuring squeeze.

"We'll go in for this test. We'll be the two coolest kids in the waiting lobby, and then we'll get the hell out." She looks me in the eyes, she smiles gently. "Sound like a plan?"

"Sounds good to me." I reply, my smile beginning to return. The weight that presses down on my chest seems to lessen, if only a little bit, and I realize that it's been there ever since I woke up this morning.

"Hey, you'll never guess." Miki lets go of my shoulder, opting to give me a playful jab with her elbow instead. She's onto the next thing, she’s pulling me out of my thoughts before I can get too deep and too dark.

"Guess what?" I'll bite. Gladly, I'll bite. I'll think about anything else.

"Not what." Miki purrs, and I can tell she's slipping into gossip mode. "Who."

"Who what?"

"Guess who's been spotted down at the school gym lately? I’ll give you a hint, he sits two rows behind us, can cook a mean stir-fry, and...”


I give Hisao a tired wave and a smile when we get to class but that will have to do for now, I sink down into my seat and don't even look back. Shizune is already right behind me and she’s probably just waiting for a chance to give me some death stare. Stare of death. If I turn around she might sneer at me, she might sign something and Misha would belt it out and... and I just don't need that. Welcome to class, Suuchan. Thought you could get away, Suuchan? Ugh.

So instead I just plant my elbow on my desk and support my head with one hand, debating whether or not I should even try to stay awake as Mutou shows up and the first bell rings. The student council will get their pound of flesh eventually... whatever that means. Would that be like one big wobbly blob of--you know what, no. I don't want to think about that either.


Time drags on. I manage to stay conscious until lunch break and end up crashing for most of it, I'm wolfing down crackers and the last bit of my bread as we return to finish off the school day. And then the final bell rings and Shizune and Misha are walking out but giving me a look and then--

“Are you awake?”

And then Hisao is standing in front of me.

I'm slumped forward onto my desk, cradling my head in my arms. I don't really remember very much of our last class, but as for his question, I am... I am seventy percent certain that I'm here right now, yes. To prove it, I slowly reach forward, I grab his arm and squeeze with two fingers.

“I'm awake.” I say with a nod. Hisao gets this smile and before I know it, I’ve got it too.

“You're supposed to pinch yourself to test things like that.”

“Why would I do that? That sounds painful.” I mutter, letting go and rolling my shoulders. There’s a creaking noise and I let out a long groan, thank you, whoever designed the tables in the cafeteria. Or, or thank you, whoever decided to lay them out in a way that might as well be a minefield for sleepy people.

That person deserves to be the one getting extorted by Shizune and Misha, but I guess it can’t be helped right now. I stand up, collect my things from my desk and then link arms with Hisao. Company aside, it's all downstairs from here.


The trip from the third floor to the student council room doesn't take very long at all, unfortunately. The door is closed, even Hisao looks a little nervous, and he’s been here before in the past few months. The last time I had to deal with the student council, there were more than two of them, and, and the dungeon probably hadn’t been completed yet. But here we are now, and I can just picture the iron maidens and the torture racks.

Hisao reaches forward to knock, but stops to look back at me.

“Ready?”

“I don't even know what we'll be doing.” I moan, leaning against the door with a thump. Hisao smiles.

“True.” His form stiffens, he juts his chin in the air. “You watch the left, I'll cover the right. We’ll take turns guarding the rear.”

Hisao... always putting on a show for me. Always trying to make me laugh or, or do or say anything to make me feel better, when I'm down or struggling. I find myself smiling back, I don't know if it's working this time, but I’m glad that he’s still trying, I really am.

“Roger.” I don't quite have the energy to act all commando like him, but I manage a sharp nod and push off from the door. “Just be on the lookout for sneak atta--”

Said door flies open, I'm suddenly wide awake as I whirl around to see two forms standing there. Both of them are smiling but by this point I’m not, and I’m pretty sure Hisao isn’t either.

“Why are you standing outside?” Misha booms, grinning widely as she plants her hands on her hips. “Come in, come in~!”

The two of them step back into the room and beckon us inside, but even as we comply I find myself craning my neck to look at the hall behind us. Mayday, mayday. Requesting back up.


The student council room is big, spacious, and oppressively empty. In the middle is a single large table with chairs all around. Smaller desks, filing cabinets and more chairs fill the sides and corners, but that's about it. In fact, it's pretty sparse.

Too sparse.

...Send air support.

“So Suuchan~!” Misha's voice could probably wake the dead, much less the drowsy. I quickly look over at her, the two of them are standing next to the center table. Shizune gives me a smile as she adjusts her glasses, she looks excited but not really... predatory. I guess that's a relief.

“Shicchan says that you want to play a game with her~?” Misha asks, and I start.

“Well actually, I thought we were all going to--” But Shizune's hands burst into motion, how... how can I get interrupted by someone who doesn't talk?

Misha watches her friend's gestures, her smile never wavering. After a moment she turns back to me. “Shicchan says that depends on the game! And she'll even let you pick~!”

Pick? Me? I don't know, I... I guess I'll have to see what the choices are. I glance at Hisao, he shrugs, but his hands are still at his sides as if he were standing at attention, he's giving me a careful smile.

I look back at the two of them. “What happens if I lose?”

I bite my lip, almost holding my breath as Misha translates the question. When she does, Shizune looks me right in the eye, her expression completely neutral and unreadable. She signs back without even breaking eye contact.

“We'll cross that bridge when we come to it! Ahaha~!”

Hearing Misha's light, bubbly tone and almost painful laughter while Shizune stares me down is just... oh god, it's just so weird. But I nod, this might be the best I'm going to get, and at least, um, at least we don't have to go over what's at stake. I don't really feel comfortable broadcasting the fact that I'm here because I'd like to continue sleeping next to my boyfriend.

“Okay, okay okay~!” Misha claps her hands together before immediately returning to signing as she speaks. “It's decided! That cabinet over there has most of the games, go take a look Suuchan~!”

She points, as I walk over to the filing cabinet that leans against the wall I hear the scraping of three chairs. No pressure.

I pull open the bottom drawer to be greeted by a stack of board games of all shapes and sizes. Some I recognize, some I don't, but I can't recall being particularly good at any of them.

Here's one that I'm pretty sure I've played before, Risk. I pick up the box and turn around, Shizune and Misha's expressions remain neutral but Hisao is slowly shaking his head back and forth, mouthing nooo.

Right, bad idea apparently. I was nervous before but now I feel panic beginning to creep into my throat, what happens if I pick one that Shizune absolutely dominates at? What if this is a trick, and the only games in this whole cabinet are ones that they've spent hours and hours playing, honing their skills, just waiting for some little sleepyheaded girl to come along so they can crush her dreams of... of not having bad dreams?

Even from across the room, the loud snapping of Shizune's fingers makes me jump.

“Shicchan says that we do have ac-tu-al work to do as some point today, Suuchan~” Misha calls, her tone managing to lack any of the sting Shizune's words were probably meant to have. I nod but don't turn around, my heart is beginning to beat faster in my chest as I close the drawer and open the next one. Maybe Mish--er, Shizune is telling the truth and they do have things to do, or maybe this is another ploy to make me rush and slip up, I don't know.

Here, uh... this is a chess set, right? I've played chess before, even though it's a two-player game and I don't really enjoy the prospect of taking on Shizune alone. I lift up the box and turn around, looking back at the others and gritting my teeth. Hisao just shrugs and continues to look uneasy, but Shizune leans forward. Her eyes widen a tiny bit.

Nooope, not that one. Not gonna do that. I shove the chess set back and open the next drawer. This is stupid, I don't even know why I'm so anxious right now. Even if we lose, I'll still be able to spend the whole day with Hisao, and, and she can't be there all the time. She can't guard the dorms every night, so if I really want... I mean, if I really need, I can still--

I lift up a box of backgammon, all I know is that it's for old people, and come face to face with an entirely too familiar sight. I can hear Shizune tapping her foot against the floor now but I slowly set the box aside before picking up the new one in my hands.

Plastic clinks and clatters as the pieces inside shift. I stare down at the cover, It's not the same model but it's close. It might look a little different, but it's the same game.

I would expect my heart to still be pounding but it's not. I trace my hand over the box’s smooth surface.

This could... I think this might work. Even if it’s some trick and these are all games that the student council has played religiously, I could win with this. At least, I really hope so.

Behind me, Misha clears her throat. I’m not sure if it was at Shizune’s request or if even she’s getting impatient, and Hisao has probably noticed that I’ve frozen up again, but it’s just...

When I think back to all those times spent sitting at that table, chained to that space in my head while my dreams taunted and teased me, I want to throw this box right back down, I want to cover it up. That's not me anymore. That's not who I am, not what I do or what I need.

I'm... I'm done with that, right? I won. I won, I left. Even though he came back. Or, or I came back, but that's...

I close my eyes.

It's just a game.

It's nothing more than that, and it happens to be one I'm good at.

If I do this, if I put all that time spent trading blows in the dark to use, I can have Hisao with me to chase away my nightmares. Even if things do start getting bad again, he'll be there. And maybe even more importantly, if I'm okay then he won't have to worry about me, and we can spend more time helping him study, helping him get ready for that practice test.

I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to do it at all, it feels like reopening an old wound. But if it will help Hisao, then I need to try. For him.

I open my eyes, I take a deep breath. And then I turn around, game of battleship in hand.


So here I am, sitting across the table from Shizune. Each of us has our plastic case set out. Misha stands next to her best friend, looking like some sort of war mediator as we relay our turns through her. Hisao is sitting only a few feet away from me, he'd objected to a game of just two players but I had managed to convince him to trust me.

And that trust isn't misplaced. I could tell Shizune was intrigued with my choice, and even though she's probably a natural at just about anything that involves rules, a winner and a loser, it's not enough. I've just had too much experience, seen too many placement strategies.

She's using a pattern that I've already faced a bunch of times. One by one, her ships go down in flames. Well, little, plastic, imaginary flames, but still.

My opponent's sportsmanship begins to crack more and more with each piece lost. She's doing a good job of hitting me back, but by the time she's down to two ships, Shizune is fuming. Not as planned, I guess.

With a few taut motions, she signs her next move to Misha. “B8.” The pink-haired interpreter calls.

“Miss.” I reply, raising one hand to my mouth and covering a yawn. Shizune's brow furrows, at Misha's translation or at my lack of fighting spirit, I’m not sure which.

I’m... I mean, of course I’m tired, I usually am, to some extent. But for some reason, I’m also not anxious anymore.

It's funny, I don't remember the last time I was actually awake for this game. And what's weirder is that this doesn't feel bad, actually, it's... kind of nice.

“...your turn.”

Something about the singular exchange. How everything is just in a straight line, back and forth. Take a turn, wait. Take a turn, wait. See what happened, deal with it, continue. It's just so simple, so easy.

That's all there is to it, it's all you have to do.

“...uuchan? Suuuuchan~”

I was nervous when we first started setting up, but this isn't like before. It's not just some pointless battle back and forth, some attempt to keep me afloat in that sea inside my head. Maybe all those times weren't for nothing after all, because now something good can actually come of it. Right now, I'm not even worried about the practice test or graduation, I'm able to just lose myself in the flow.

“Come on, Suki. Or are you giving up?”

My head snaps upward.

Shizune, check. Misha, check. Student council room. Check.

“What did you say?”

“I said, it's your turn, Suuchan~!” Misha practically shouts, looking like a cheerleader waiting for something she can cheer to.

I blink hard and fast, but the room doesn't change, the table in front of me and my opponent don't change. Shizune is still wearing a school uniform, skirt blouse and bow, not... he's not here. He's not here, and I'm not there.

I think.

I stare at the pieces laid before me but my arm reaches out, reaches for Hisao. I find him and I squeeze, I squeeze.

“Suzu?”

“I'm awake, right?” I mumble, taking in the sea of red and white tabs in front of me, and between and underneath them, the dark. “I'm here?”

“Are you okay?” Hisao asks, gripping my hand carefully. I glance over at him, eyes wide and pleading.

“Tell me I'm awake.”

“You're awake.” His replies, staring at me anxiously. “What's wrong?”

Somehow when he says it, I manage to believe him. I feel myself calming down, even though I don't want to play anymore, even though I think this was a mistake. But it's too late to turn back now.

If I win... well, I did that once, and it almost ruined everything. It almost sent me back to square one. But I don't know what will happen if I lose, and right now, I have to stick to what I know for sure. I have to stick to what's familiar.

So I shrug it off. Or I try to, anyway. I tell Hisao that I'm okay, that I'm just tired and he doesn't have to worry, and then I return my attention to the game. Shizune fights to the bitter end, but it... it ends. And bitterly. Or at least that's what I think, she launches into a blistering pout as Misha announces the last hit.

The student council president reaches forward, sinks the red tab into her submarine and then folds her arms across her chest. She glances around the room for some reason, looking at the filing cabinets and the desks before letting out a silent sigh.

Shizune shrugs. She looks right at me and then she smiles, as if I've passed some kind of test. Now if only I felt that way.

Before I can react, Misha slams her hand down on the table, raising her other fist into the sky triumphantly.

“Battleship! Waahaha~!” She cries to the heavens, even though her side lost. Either she’s just happy that someone won in general, or she takes her job a little too seriously. Maybe both.

“That's not what you say.” I mumble. I can't help but notice that next to me, Hisao is also pumping his fist in the air, although he looks more like he's following the crowd than anything else. Shizune raises an eyebrow at him but refuses to comment otherwise.

“Then what do you say, Suuchan?” Misha gives me an earnest smile, her eyes wide with childlike innocence. I can tell she's genuinely curious but I just shrug halfheartedly, I don't know.

I don't know what you're supposed to say when you win this game. I don't know if you're supposed to say anything at all, I just know you pack up. You put it away.

You wake up but not really, and everything just goes so right, until it goes wrong.

But Shizune is the one disassembling the game right now, she's the one putting the pieces back inside the box and tucking it out of sight. And she still looks like Shizune, her fashion sense hasn’t taken any sudden turns for the worse and, and she doesn’t desperately need a sandwich or something. She actually has a pretty nice figure. Not bony at all.

When all the pieces are back out of sight, she fires off another burst of sigh, prompting Misha to jump back on duty.

“Shicchan says that fair is fair~” She translates, raising her index finger and giving us a smile. “While your scan-da-lous activities are not sanctioned, the student council will turn a blind ey--really, Shicchan?”

Shizune shrugs again but looks otherwise unrepentant. Hisao is rolling his eyes, maybe he can explain the joke, when we're far away from here. Maybe, maybe over breakfast tomorrow. Because we can eat breakfast together because we'll wake up in the same room because I won.

I did, I won.

Shicchan--I mean Shizune, geez--sends us on our way, claiming that playtime is over and the student council needs to get back to work. Misha looks like she would much rather celebrate my victory or just about anything at all if it meant postponing their duties a little longer, but she relents. The two of them shoo us through the door, and just before we go out into the hallway and out of sight, I turn. Shizune's eyes had been on Hisao's back but they dart towards me. She tents her fingers in front of her and gives me that cool, analytical gaze that I've come to know and fear, at least before today.

But if she really had it out for me, out for us, she could have easily complained to the staff about our sneakiness, or lack thereof. If she had wanted, she could probably have gotten us in pretty big trouble, but she didn't. She invited us here and gave me a fair chance, and she didn't even clap us in irons when she lost.

Again, Shizune smiles at me, and I begin to feel a little silly for being so scared of her in the first place. Even though she lost, she doesn't seem to mind. Maybe all that earlier fuss was just her idea of being playful? And, here and now, she almost looks relieved. Is she happy because I won, or because I was willing to challenge her in the first place?

I'm not sure. I manage a weak smile back before turning to go. I'm glad that this is settled, I'm glad I'll have Hisao here with me, when I need him. But I still haven't recovered from our game. And she was never what frightened me the most.



Miki is glad to see we survived our trip to the student council room. When she says it like that, it sounds like we were going to the principal's office, or... or a dungeon. So yeah, I guess that makes sense.

It's evening by now. We catch a glimpse of Lezard on campus and decide to make a beeline--do bees really fly in lines?--for the Beijing, where we celebrate our triumph. Or something, either way it's nice to see Taro outside of school again, and Miki was right, he does look like he's been working out.

The food is good, the company is good and it all comes together to help me take my mind off of things, which I desperately need right now. When we're done we trek back up the hill, and when we get to the point where the paths between the dorms split we just come to this awkward, grinding halt. Miki says something about how she's sure I want to enjoy the spoils of my victory and then she's gone, she takes off with a wink and a grin.

Hisao is just standing there blushing, and, and I am too, but I manage to meet his eyes, I give him a nervous smile. We could probably dance around this for a little while longer, we could part ways for the moment but it will be late before long and, and after today, after all this I need him. I need him with me.

"Where are my spoils, Hisao? Miki said there'd be spoils." I break into a grin, but my face is red.

Hisao chuckles, he inspects the empty, darkening grounds before taking a step closer. "You're already spoiled." He replies, leaning down to plant a kiss on the top of my head. I let out a giggle and squirm closer, he may be right, but still. We have something to celebrate. I have something to celebrate, I think, and... and besides, there’s...

There’s no stars out. Tonight, the sky is clouded, it’s dark outside.

When I lay down, when I go to sleep, there are no stars there either.

It’s dark inside.

And I don't want to be alone.

We glance around, but it's not quite dark enough yet for the security guards to have begun their regular patrols, and Shizune seems to be keeping her word. We hold hands, we walk to the boys' dorms. We're through, we're in his room. And then I get to feel his skin on mine.



Hisao’s mornings might not be as loud as what I’m used to, but it turns out that he makes a pretty good alarm clock himself. Being with him allows me to trade the blaring tones for gentle shakes. No ear-splitting clatter, just whispers that I need to wake up and, when that doesn’t work, the feeling of his soft lips against my forehead.

I let out a groan but don’t open my eyes. I burrow closer, I find his warmth, grab on and don’t let go. This is nice, this is so nice, I wonder how often I have to change his batteries? And what’s his warranty like? Actually, considering where we are, it’s... it’s probably nothing special.

Again, Hisao is telling me that it’s time to get up, but I don’t want to. I can’t think of any place I’d rather be than here. In fact, all I can think about now are the places I don’t want to be, don’t want to go.

Don’t want to go back to.

Hisao apparently gives up, he says he’s going to take a shower and he’ll be back soon but I tighten my grip, I cling to him and I can’t fake it any longer, I’m desperate now.

“Hey, hey.” He says gently, sinking back into place next to me. I keep my eyes shut, just hoping that I can stay here, stay with him instead of falling asleep again, and I don’t want to go to class either. I’ve been awake for hours but I didn’t want to move, would never want to move.

“Hey. Suzu, we need to--”

“Just a little longer.” I mumble, trying and failing to keep my voice steady. “Please.”

For a moment there’s nothing, maybe he’s glancing at his clock. But then I feel Hisao put his arms around me, he begins to stroke my hair.

He asks me if I’m having one of my waking hallucinations, I say no. He asks me if I’m having my nightmares again, I say no.

He asks me if I’m lying. I say yes.

Hisao stays quiet for a while after that. He just continues to lay there next to me, gently running his fingers through my hair.

He doesn’t know what to say. I don’t know what to say. So we just stay there as long as we can, until we don’t have a choice anymore, until we really do have to go. When we finally pull away Hisao is whispering to me that it will be alright, and I’m trying to believe him. I am, I am.

I’m trying.