March of the Fluffies - Extinct Fluffies 2

Vanner, November 13, 2013; 10:11 / FB 14845
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March of the Fluffies, Extinct Fluffies, Part Two

>Man, it seems like that commercial break took forever.
>But you're back for the next part of Morgan Freeman's dulcet tones and informative wisdom.
>Your fluffy settles in next to you as "March of the Fluffies" returns with Morgan freeman sitting in the hall of stuffed fluffies.
>"While everyone immediately recognized the Mega-fluffy was a bad idea, it was marketing departments from other companies that brought forth the next waves of fluffies."
>The scene transitions to a trade show where fluffies are being poked and prodded by men in stuffy suits.
>"He he!" giggles a white furred, red and blue maned fluffy. "Fwuffy wuv Aumewica! Gawd bwess Ooo-esss-ay!""
>Other fluffies, also featuring garish color schemes, chirp similar things as more ad men circle around the Hasbio booth.
>"Because of the great expense of the fluffy pony project," continues Morgan Freeman, "Hasbio was forced to license the product not only to other companies for production, but for promotion."
>Cut back to the lab where scientists in clean suits work with petri dishes and pipettes behind a glass wall.
>The camera pulls back to reveal a nearby break room and a soft *clink clink clink* echos through your TV speakers.
>It pans down to reveal a fluffy looking creature that is not only not fluffy, but entirely clear, and filled with a brown liquid.
>"Fweind wan dwink Coke fwuffy?" he asks a scientist trying to eat his lunch. "Coke wewards for fwiends!"
>"God DAMNIT!" he yells, scooping the fluffy up in one hand. "How do these fucking things keep getting out? And who keeps filling them up?"
>"Dwink Coca-cowa!" the fluffy titters.
>The scientist grabs a cap where a unicorn would be and twists it off in a single motion. He upends the fluffy over the sink where fizzing cola sprials down the drain in a brown whirlpool.
>"Nuuu! Dwink Cokies!" protests the glass fluffy, its screams becoming slower and quieter as it drains. "Nu dump out coke fwuffy! Wan give coke! Wan.. wa... w..."
>The scientist screws the cap back on and leaves the glass fluffy on the counter to dry.
>"Everyone hated those damn things," says a becoated scientist. "It's not like they were even hard to make. Change the celullar structure of the fluff a bit to make it transparent, do the same for the organs, reconfigure their bodies to run off the glucose and phosphoric acid in coke, then bam, you had a glass fluffy."
>"What no one seemed to talk about was the fact that they died as soon as you drained the coke out of them," he continues. "Or that they went flat really quick. Or even that the coke in them tasted like shit because, well, they're fluffies and that's what they do."
>"Still, they were miracles. You could fill them up with any sort of soda and they'd walk around, even after being empty for a few days."
>Cut to a scene of scientist filling a coke fluffy with Pepsi.
>The fluffy starts shrieking at the top of its lungs and running around the testing facility.
>"Nu wan pesi! Nu wan pesi!" he shrieks. "Wan die! Wan die! Wan..."
>The fluffy loses traction and slams into a girder at top speed.
>Even the pathetic two miles an hour is enough to shatter the fluffy into a thousand tiny shards.
>The fluffy gasps for life as the sticky brown soda spills into the floor drain below.
>"It wasn't long before the coke fluffy promotion ended," says Morgan Freeman, "and though it was considered a success, the coke fluffies slowly were never made again, and slowly went extinct."
>He motions over to a stationary coke fluffy that looks just like a glass statue.
>"Intact bodies such as this one are rare and valuable to fluffy collectors," he continues. "But not nearly as valuable as the Metroid Fluffy."
>Cut to a small, tear drop shaped fluffy with three chitinous legs skittering across a table top.
>"Released in promotion with a new game, the metroid fluffy was a marvel of fluffy engineering."
>The metroid fluffy chitters and "screes" occasionally as he wrestles with (and loses to) a Samus doll.
>"I love these Metroid fluffs," says the man on camera. "They're cuter than a fluffy, and cool to look at. They're dumber than a regular fluffy, but they don't talk as much, so you never know it."
>He picks an ice cube out of his drink.
>"Plus they're hardier than those fragile fluffies." The ice cube slides cross the table toward the metroid fluffy, who instinctively jumps back from it and off the edge of the table.
>"You okay, Brain?" he asks of the floor.
>"Fwuffy otay."
>The scene changes back to the hall of stuffed fluffies to find Morgan Freeman standing beside some fluffy miniature pachyderms and bovines.
>"Of course, with the conquest of ungulates, Hasbio simply couldn't stop there."
>The camera fades to a indoor enclosure where a three foot high fluffy giraffe eats hay out of a regular sized trough.
>"Well, the thought was that we'd create all sorts of animals for the kids to come in and pet," says the scientist.
>"But they're not commercially viable," he continues. "Petting zoos are not a winning business model."
>The fluffy giraffe looks left, then right for a moment before a miniature, fluffy mammoth barrels him out of the way with massive shove.
>The fluffy giraffe's head ricochets off a fence post, causing him to stumble around in a daze.
>"Dis fwuffy gwassies now!" says the fluffy mammoth before blowing a rasberry with his elongated trunk.
>It's not even a minute before a smaller, but much faster fluffy rhinoceros shoves the fluffy mammoth out of the way.
>The giraffe lays sobbing on the ground while the mammoth and the rhinoceros pummel each other with the flexible horns and tusks.
>"These products, and many other like them ever saw the light of day," says Morgan Freeman. "With a saturation of wild fluffies growing in every corner of America, the public didn't want other bio-toys to cause problems."
>The scene shifts to a much smaller and quieter facility butting up against a massive lake in the background.
>"But with the initiative to create gone, the scientist sought ways of solving the fluffy problem and recreating the market for their work."
>"The fuzzies were the best idea to come out of Hasbio in years," says a scienist. "They're everything a fluffy isn't. They're smart, obedient, quiet, disciplined."
>The camera scans the room where a dozen white fluffies stare impassivly ahead with bright blue eyes.
>"We ramped up the control from the nanofluffies and implanted chips in every single fluffy," says the scientist, holding up a large skull.
>The skull shows several wires fused to a central chip. "They can't live without them, and they can't survive without a special diet.
>"Fuzzies are better than fluffies any day of the week because we can control their actions, their diet, and everything about them. They're basically pets as a service, and we're the only provider."
>Queue Morgan freeman sitting in a boat, a spire of the laboratory barely sticking out of the lake as he drifts by.
>"Sadly, the fuzzy ponies became extinct after the tragedy in Cleveland destroyed their facilities and most of the records pertaining to their care, maintenance, and creation."
>A fluffy spider sits in the boat next to him, repeatedly biting a sea fluffy with her tiny fangs.
>"Thanks to fluffy ponies, we've garnered new and valuable insights into the creation of life, and the hazards within.
>"And much like actual evolution, we've had some failures along the way. Missteps that lead to genetic dead ends, and ultimately, commercial failures."
>"Fwuffy faiwuwe?" asks the spider fluffy. The sea fluffy simply sobs as it starts to lose shape.
>Morgan Freeman gives the fluffy a reassuring scritch under her chin.
>"Thank for watching March of Fluffies, and we hope you'll join us next time, here on Fluff TV."