CANCER collateral

After losing my older brother 30 years ago, now that I've been married for 25 years - I don't have categories for dealing with my wife's cancer

CANCER

When I heard the news
Like a high dive into arctic waters
So numb but still drowning
My raging inner narcissist was inconsolable - I can't lose her!
Did I ever once ask her how she felt?

My world is crumbling but it's her body under attack
Turning against itself in that worn out cliche called cancer
I'm so over this! CRISPR, Jesus, somebody step in and shut this down!

I can't react to fear
I have to respond to fact
What is in front of me? What is happening? What are my next steps?
Her hand is in mine. seeking comfort
I can only choose to be present in this moment: now, here, this.

She won't be defined by this
I am frantic for comfort
My neurosis drives me to go public but hers is a more measured tone
Sharing news in concentric circles, our children first, then ever outwards
No longer secret but not quite public

It's her disease but she's the strong one
I need more reassurance
Culture tells me to man up and be strong
How can I stand if she's gone?

It took a Cat 5 to knock my feet from under me
Flat on my back, my eyes look straight up
I call out for help
I have no power to change this outcome, but You do
I called out to You before, but he died anyway - can I trust You now?
I ask why? and get only echoes
I ask what now? and get led gently by the hand
Never let me go