Chat Excerpt 2018-04-02

Still feeling kinda bleh even though o got up
I keep feeling like there's stuff i meant to be doing but I can't remember what it is
Plus i feel like I might be coming down with a cold
Have 2 exams tomorrow and one of them I need to study for but have no energy to
Why am I a masculine girl instead of a feminine boy?
Gender is so confusing
I love you <3
Have a penguin
And limes
Random words make nothing to compleadte
Isotopes
Maroon
I hate trans people
No i dont
Why the fuck would I say something terrible like that?
I don't mean iy
What's wrong with me
I don't know how people know things to say
I try and all in getting are randomish words
Prowlijg for asphalt the Emory squid acquiesces its pontifications towards magnanimous plurality and in compressibilities' numina have refraction for and with to be aligned within the gaze.of the sullen sliver
Garnish
Its funny how the dark elves sing the song of ice-light yet we have no mercy betwixt the sea and.thine self
I love you Sarah
I keep beijg tempted to lie that i hate.you or to say I love you but with some other.girls name but i don't know why because that would.only be hurtful to you And I don't want to do that and there's.no reason to And it doesn't make sense
Its not your birthday but it is other people's birthdays
Glassblowing seems like it woukd be difficult
Would*
Angstrom > Barricade > Cinnamon > Declaration > Ecstacy > Faerie > Germane > Hangglider > Impishness > Jalapeño > Kilowatt > Luminescence > Miter > Nipple > Osmosis > Pony > Queer > Recital > Somewhere > Threnody > Ulterior > Vexing > Waterfall > Xylem > Yaw > Zenith
Now in polar coordinates
The quick brown fox jumps.over the last dog
Lazy*
I am a lazy dog
I am a quick brown fox
I am jumping over
I am you?
No
I am a flower made of iron
The silence settles on the darkest fringe
Yet we eclipse the seldom-fluid reminiscence of the old countryside in the quest we set.upon in search of the time of everness
Evolution is inevitable
But is it really evolution or revolution?
Who am I?
Am i even a person?
I don't act like people act?
I've never met anyone like me
I sometimes feel like im just a robot in disguise
I can't place myself in anyone else's shies
Everyone rlse fors.things i never cpuld
Wears things i never could, says things i never.could, partakess in activities.i never could
I am what's leftover when you take humanity and filter.out everything that makes it human
Excpet not really because that would actually make ne pretty special
Shoes*
My.understanding of the world.in mije alone and it is impossible to convey as.internal thoughts always are
Yet is feels as.though it is the world as my lens is invisible
Subjectivity is a vortex
I cannot be anything for the dark spiral of extrinsic perceptuality envelops me.soul
Look at all this shitty false poetry my brain is turning out
I don't fit any of the myriad patterns of human existence
My life is that on an outliet who is unable to fit in becaUse of a misaligned mind
Outlier*
But not in a neat or cool or romanticized unique special way
Why can't I belong anywhere?
No one else ia enough like me for me to be like them
And I don't even know who i am
I'm just endlessly adrift in a world of void, perpetually hopeless.to find a minute capsule of fulfillment or stability
Even you I am not and i may latch into you but not rewrite myself into you
I wish I fit an archetype, any archetype
I wish I could relate to the ways people relate
I'm always on the outside looking in from afar
That is my existence
That is existence, for i am my universe
I am shaped by the things i read, I see, i hear, and yet I can not replicate them
I am perpetually unable to enumerate attributes.of myself
I am unable to explicate my own enigma
I can never figure out who or.what I am
I know there's something to me. There i things I want, things i value, things I want to want and want to value and not want and not value, things i like and dislike and want to like and want to dislike and have liked and have disliked, things I do and want to do and have done and will do, things i think and want to think and have thought and Will thought, things I am like and want to be like and have been like, things i say and want to say and have said, people i am and want to be and have been
And yet of this I know not
I cannot explain, put into words, write out. Examine, enumerate, express, any of these facets of my identity
Who am i
Who do i want to be
Am i who i want to be
I don't think so, but i don't even know who i want to be
I want to be someone who is not myself
Here i am sitting on a bed in a college dorm room staring at my phone screen at 4:15 pm on a Monday after noon doing absolutely nothing but writing out inexplicable things that I hope may, just may, capture some azpect.of My thoughts that express the turmoil that resides endlesy within my mind
And what a mundane existance is it
Is this life?
Is this all life is?
Is there a life beyond what I currently know, in this world or another, which is truly worth living?
What am i even saying?
Am i hinting at religion or merely examining the possibility of moving on to a new evolutionary stage in my developmental pathway on this little blue planet we call earth?
Truly, I know not What i am saying with greater clarity than you may interpret it with either
But perhaps there is a kernel of truth within my words tjat will elucidate the core nature of my life and existence in this place
Or maybe I'm just being a whiny emo bitch
Y'know that xkcd about the lighthouse?
https://xkcd.com/59/
Thats me
Or maybe it is
I don't know what my life is
Is this existentialism
I don't know enough to know if i know anything about anyyhing
I don't understand people
People in general
I don't understand the world
I like to pretend I do with all my nice theories and modela, looking down on the rest of the world from my ivory computer tower, but the world lies beyond any comprehension truly
I have no competence in the world of humanity
Or of anything beyond numbers and symbols
I am a being of information in a world of matter
Yet human complexity is also borne of information
The fundamental unknowable nature of the world is scary
We are floating haplessly in a sea of chaos
And in our tiny planet drifting through the cosmos all seems well for a time
But our myopia vanishes jf we even date to look inwards at ourselves
And see.the unknowable That lies not merely beyond the edge of.our world.but also within the hearts.of each one.of js
Are we automatons, built of clay and water and amino acids and DNA, to roam the land and sea and sky and space as self-replicating nanomachines?
That's completely.unrelated to the poijt i was initially making abouy social archetypes in contemporary western society i think
I feel like i cannot fulfill any archetype.because of the insuppressable urge.to indoviduality and.yet the fujdamental mechanism of.indoviduality is expressed in the world though conformance to indovodually selected patterns which arr juxtaposed.to create new and authentic expression from the ashes of masks and lies
Or so they say
Who says that? I know not
Perhaps it is I
Perhaps i am disintegrating as oer dabrowskis theory of positive disintegration
Or i am suspended in one of eriksons stages of development
Or are these models yet more that lead us astray from the fundamental complexity that underlies their subjects, the humans?
Its scary when i realize how much of my epistemology is built upon Wikipedia
And this my worldview invisibly captures the biases and modes of understanding that are.enshrined within its text
And whence my originality originates?
Is it merely algorithmic recombination of dofferent existing sources until something not fully derivative appears to be formed?
Is this a meaningful question to ask?
I think it may be not
I feel as though i am merely the embodied collection of the media i have consumed, distorted to the point that it's inflience is no longer traceable to avoid this being directly evident in the perception of others and thus by result of this also in my own perception for I can consider myself only from the perspective as an outsider who does nonetheless have an unabridged collection of information butnhas no greater ability to connect it and derive connections and obscured correlations between its aspects Or to deobfuscate the true nature
And.express such verbally even to itself
My soul is a fractured mirror
I live not in the world of others but occupy a perceptual and experiential plane of being adjacent to it
Oh, how i wish to cross over to the other side for even a day
I am not like anyone else
But not in a special unique cool way
I do not mean to elevate myself
I've been doing this for a full hour wtf?
I don't know who I am
I wish so badly that someone could just tell me who I am
But i feel as though regardless of their answer, my reaction woukd be "I cannot be that"
For my path is Perhaps that which allows my to escape the necessity for identifying my identity and this escaping the paradox that it does not exist
Or perhaps I'm saying nonsense
I hope that you'll be able to get an idea out of my words even if the direct meaning brings it to you not
I don't have access to myself
I don't know what I want and what i feel is the right thing to want and what I want to want
And so on
I don't know what parts of me are me and what parts are society encapsulated.within me as a parasite
Or if that's Even a meaningful metaphor
I don't understand myself