The Princess Filly, Chapter III

>after the asassination attempt, there was some talk of cancelling the coronation
>surprisingly, it was you who decided to keep it in place
"What are we gonna do, let the terrorists win?"
>Starswirl seemed pretty impressed by that
>all the same, he insisted on heightened security for the ceremony
>you feel kind of bad about taking guards off of the search for the princesses
>but it's become painfully apparent that, unlike the real princesses, you really do need all the security
>oh, there's one more security measure the old geezer insisted on
>you can't eat or drink anything during the whole ceremony
>it seemed reasonable at the time
>after all, there's no telling who exactly wants you dead
>or what connections they have
>but now that the speech is given
>and the little crown rests uncomfortably upon your head
>and the guests have begun to partake of the excessively luxurious banquet
>you're feeling pretty fucking hungry
>you're seated in Princess Celestia's seat
>a stack of royal phonebooks under your ass help you see over the table
>all these richfags eating their richfag food
>there's nobody you know in the banquet hall
>pretty much all of your friends were Twilight's friends
>and they're all running around looking for Twilight right now
>your stomach growls like a caged cougar
>fucking hell what you wouldn't give for a little deep-fried hay right now
>hey, it's an acquired taste
>a faggy voice calls you out of your hunger-fueled runimations
_"Little Princess Nonny, congratulations."
>Blueblood puts his hoof on your shoulder
>you push it off
"Thanks. Please, call me Anon."
_"Anon. My, I'm sure your mother would be very proud."
>kek
>your mother would probably just be shocked to learn that you've been turned into a talking baby pony
>but Blueblood is probably talking about Twilight
>but she'd probably be panicking about this too
"Maybe, maybe not. All I can say is that I sure never dreamed about this sort of thing when I was little."
>Blueblood's smile turns to plastic
_"I did."
"Well, life is weird like that, you know?"
>you grin and punch him in the foreleg
>what you'd really like is to call him a faggot and tell him to fuck off
_"Yes. Life can take some strange turns. Have you thought about what would happen if someone else were to become an alicorn?"
"No. I can't say I have."
_"It's an interesting bit of Equestrian law. Anyone who becomes an alicorn is immediately made a high princess, and ranked above any and all non-alicorn royalty. You would be effectively de-throned."
"Well, that's not something that happens every day. Besides, I'm working toward ascending myself."
_"Ah, but how hard it must be for an earth pony to ascend. I don't believe it's ever happened before."
"Hopefully the real princesses aren't gone long enough for it to be an issue."
_"Do you know, Princess Anon, that I have hired some of Equestria's greatest wizards to help me improve my magic?"
>you let a little smile creep onto your face
>mostly to mask that little bit of panic that's creeping into your throat
>but also to provoke Blueblood
"Trying to ascend?"
>Blueblood hisses
_"Indeed."
"Good luck with that."
>Blueblood wheels around
_"Thank you."
>and he stalks off into the crowd
>as you're watching him go, Starswirl returns to his seat beside you
>his plate stacked high with gourmet food from the buffet table
"Fucking finally, dude. I had to sit through a whole conversation with Blueblood."
<"Would you kindly watch your tongue in the presence of company?"
"Sorry, it's just… geez, he's so passive-aggressive and gay."
>Starswirl takes a big, sadistic bite from his plate
>fuck, you're so hungry

>day one as the officially crowned ruler of all Equestria
>now that you're really a pretty pony princess, a great deal of your training is on-the-job
>that is to say, you've been thrust into real princess work while Starswirl criticizes you
>oh, don't worry though
>you still have your formal training in princess-shit to look forward to
>earth magic, too
>but that's all after working hours
>according to the schedule Starswirl wrote up for you, you're alotted 4 hours of of sleep every night
>for the next 10 years
>anyway
>the duty you're currently attending to is Day Court
>thankfully, Night Court has been cancelled for the duration of Luna's absence
>because this is hellish enough
>"And then I says to him, "Hey you, get offa my cloud!"
"Right, I understand that part. What I want to know is, where is the cloud now?"
>"Oh, it's gone now, it is. Got all blowed to bits by the wind, it did."
"So… what exactly are you asking me to do?"
>the pegasus points at her accused tormentor
>"I want you to make him apologize, is what!"
>you look at the other pegasus
"Mr. McBreeze, will you please apologize to Miss MacCloud?"
>McBreeze turns his nose up
>"Nope!"
>you shrug appealingly at Starswirl
"I tried."
>Starswirl shakes his head
<"Friends, perhaps this issue would be better resolved in private. The princess cannot mend your hurt feelings for you, and the line is growing long-"
"What my colleague is trying to say is, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY COURTROOM!"
>the pegasi cringe at that
>then MacCloud scowls
>"What a right fuckin' bitch."
>McBreeze nods
>"A right fuckin' bitch indeed."
>"No hard feelings?"
>"No hard feelings."
>the two of them prance out together, wing-in-wing
>Starswirl sighs his disgust
"What? I fixed their friendship, didn't I?"
<"Next!"
>the next pony to walk in is a purple unicorn with a big bushy mane
>actually, she looks kind of familiar…
"Starlight! Holy shit, it feels like it's been forever! I thought you were out looking for Twilight. How's that going, by the way?"
>Starlight Glimmer shakes her head sadly
>"It's not going well. The search parties are starting to lose hope. We might have to accept that the other princesses will be gone for longer than we expected."
"Oh, no…"
>"I'm… here to ask about some of Princess Twilight's personal responsibilities. I'd like to make sure that her affairs are well taken care of, in the event of her… prolonged absence."
"Sure, sure."
>"In the first place, her school. With all the remaining staff members on the search parties, the students are starting to wonder what they're paying tuition for. And without Twilight involved, they're losing faith in the institution as a whole. I just want to do what Twilight would want."
"Geez. All right, I realize that I'm technically Twilight's successor, but the responsibilities I've taken on are more like Celestia's. I really don't have time to run Twilight's school."
>which is all technically true
>it's also true that you wouldn't want to deal with it even if you could
>all those dirty foreigners
>the yaks smell like shit
>and the griffons always try to eat you
>not that you'd say that out loud to the element of equality
"Tell you what. Everybody knew Twilight was grooming you to be a princess."
>"She was?"
"Okay, everyone but you knew. My point is, there's nobody better qualified to take over Twilight's school than you."
>"Me?"
>oh, don't act so fucking shocked
>we all know why you brought this to the Day Court
"Yup. You are hereby the official principal-slash-headmaster of the School of Friendliness. You have full autonomy to do whatever you feel is right, and an official stamp of approval from Princess Anon."
>"Thanks, Anon. I guess I'll… get classes started by the end of next week if Twilight isn't found."
"You do that. Ne-"
>"Uh, two more things."
>ugh
"Okay."
>"Regarding the Elements of Harmony. Obviously the Elements themselves are gone, but Twilight and her friends together have the power of the Elements within them. In the interest of national security, we do need a new Element of Magic."
"Frankly, I think that sort of thing is decided by the magic itself, not by me. But once again, you come to mind as the logical candidate."
>"M-me again?"
>oh, you're just so fucking modest, aren't you?
"Who else? You've recieved extensive education in both friendship and magic from Twilight herself, and you're fairly close to all of her friends. I suggest you start growing closer to them and hope that the friendship beams come out when you need them."
>Starlight bows deeply
>"Thank you for your faith in me. I have just one more concern."
"I know, you said 'two more' earlier."
>"It's about Spike. He's worried about living alone, and he's not sure how he's going to find work from now on. And he misses Twilight terribly. He's really, really bringing everyone down."
>huh
>now this is an issue that actually piques your concern
>Spike is a cool dude
>no doubt Starlight is hoping you assign him as her own personal assistant
>but honestly, a change of scenery would probably do Spike some good
"Tell Spike he can come stay with me. I'd give him a place to stay in the castle, and to be honest I could really use an assistant."
>Starlight smiles
>"I think he'll really appreciate that. Thank you, Anon. I'll head back to Ponyville right away."
"No problem. Tell the gang I said hi!"
>Starlight canters out
>the next petitioner stumbles in
>Starswirl whispers in your ear
<"Impressive. You actually addressed her concerns. And without spouting vulgarities, at that."
"I wanted to spout a few vulgarities."
<"We all start somewhere."

>day two as the crown princess of ponykind
>Starswirl has taken tonight's princess training to the classroom
>you've been asking a lot about alicorn ascension
>as the guy who's famous for facilitating two of those, he's happy to share what he knows
<"As I've told you, ascension is granted when one performs a prodigious feat of magic in the service of others."
"Right, I remember."
<"Thus, the first requirement for alicorn ascension is to channel a great deal of magic. That much is simple to understand, yes?"
"Yeah I think I get it."
<"To understand the second requirement, you will need a bit of explanation. Are you ready?"
>you grab your pencil
"Ready."
<"In this world, there is an objective order. It is, if you will, a universal mind. It is a conscious will which, in its own way, enforces a moral law and a natural order upon living creatures. Sorcerers refer to this order as the 'Aether.'"
"That's a bit much to wrap my mind around, but if you say so."
<"To make it a bit easier for you to understand, consider this: Ponies often speak of 'magic' as though it were a conscious force which frequently acts according to its own will. They are not entirely wrong. When ponies speak of 'magic' in this way, they are referring to the Aether."
"So the Aether is magic?"
<"There's a bit more to it than that, but in a manner of speaking, yes. When one channels a great deal of magic, one also channels a great deal of the Aether."
>understanding dawns upon you
"And that's how it knows if the magic you did was for others."
<"Precisely. The second requirement for alicorn ascension is to prove oneself worthy to the Aether. Most ponies who do great acts of magic, even for good purposes, never become alicorns. Noone can claim to know the Aether's exact selection process, but it would seem to include an assessment of both worthiness and of need."
"All right. I'm gonna take you on your word here."
<"You won't be disappointed. My word tends to be very reliable in matters of magic. The third requirement is much simpler. Are you ready?"
"Always ready."
<"The third requirement is approval by the existing alicorns. Should the Aether select you for ascension, it will take you to the eldest alicorn in Equestria. As far as we know, that pony is still Princess Celestia. The final decision shall be left to her, and she will either permit or prevent you from ascending."
>you finish writing this down
>and you spit out the pencil with a contented sigh
"Well that's a relief."
<"What is?"
"The other day, Blueblood was telling me that he planned to become an alicorn and take the throne."
>Starswirl grins
>a laugh threatens to come out
>but doesn't quite survive the journey
<"No, no, I don't believe you'll have to worry about that. I'll own that he is a fairly powerful spellcaster, but his character leaves much to be desired."
"I noticed."
<"Indeed. If Blueblood were to undergo a change radical enough to be worthy of ascension, you would have no need to fear him. As it stands, you are quite safe."
"Thanks Starswirl."
<"You're quite welcome. Now, I think a practical lesson in royal table-manners is what we'll do next. Come with me."
>ugh
>table-manners
"Coming."
>Starswirl holds the door open for you
>and after he closes the door behind him
>things move sort of…
>fast
>firstly, there's a loud CLICK
>then, you're inside of a big, glowing bubble
>there's a lot of light and noise
>then the bubble goes away
>the door is in splinters
>the classroom beyond it is in ruins
>the passageway you're standing in is in shambles
>Starswirl is glaring in thought
>you look from Starswirl to the rubble
>then from the rubble to Starswirl
>and then…
>holy shit!
"A bomb!"

>day three of princesshood
>you're following Rockhoof to the grove
>he hasn't said a word all night
>and he stays silent til he reaches the center of the grove
^"With all these ponies after your hide, you need tae learn how tae defend yourself."
>there's not so much as a hint of the old warrior's usual jollity in his voice
"Oh, neat. So we're gonna do some fighting moves then?"
^"Aye. Throw me a punch. Give it everything you've got."
"Okay."
>you trot over to Rockhoof
>pulling back a forehoof, you send it into Rockhoof's leg as hard as you can
"That's no good, lass. I didnae feel a thing."
>so you throw another punch
>and another
>but the mythic hero stands silent, as if you weren't even there
>soon you're reared up on your hind legs, hitting him as fast as you can
^"Stop, stop. That's no good."
>you drop back down on all fours, already sweating
"Well, shit. What do you want from me? You're like ten times my size!"
^"Stop relying on your own strength! You're too small to hurt me on your own!"
"Well, whose strength can I rely on? There's only me here."
^"Have you learned nothing? A proper earth pony can draw strength from the earth anywhere. If you can't do it inside of a magic grove, you're doomed already."
"Uh…"
^"Feel it, Anon! The Aether is here! It's waiting for you tae rely in it! Draw your strength from it, from the earth, from the leylines. Let it flow through your hooves!"
>your mind begins to focus on your hooves
>where they're positioned
>how they're planted
>soon you've got them lined up in a perfect square
>you're standing heavily upon them
>and then
>beneath your hooves
>the earth throbs
"I think… I think I feel something."
^"All right then! Hit me properly!"
>you pull back a forehoof
>it feels powerful
>and then you drive it forward with all you've got
"Ow."
^"That's. No. Good!"
"Well geez, what do you want from me? I didn't know there even was magic for earth ponies til like a week ago!"
^"There are ponies trying tae kill you! Do you even care?! Defend yourself!"
"Eh?"
>that's when you see the shovel racing for your head
>dropping to your belly, you barely avoid it
>the head of the shovel scoops right through where your neck would have been
"Holy fuck!"
>when you see the point of the shovel poised above your head, you roll
>the shovel impales itself deep within the earth where your face would have been
>your roll takes you over the edge of the brook
>the cold water is disorienting
>the stony bed of the brook hurts to lie on
"Hey, self-defense lessons seem kind of pointless if I die in class!"
>Rockhoof silently makes his way toward you
>you scramble to your hooves
>and then you notice the rocks you're standing on
>when the idea occurs to you
>you don't stop to think about whether or not it's wise
>you just pick up a rock
>and throw it
>the stone strikes Rockhoof on the brow
>that's when he stops
>wobbles
>and falls
>and then?
>he laughs
^"Hah! That's more like it!"
"Holy BALLS, Rockhoof."
^"You can say that again. What a throw! Now you're working with earth magics!"
"No, I mean you, going all fucking… terminator on me! Like, you were holding back, right? You weren't actually gonna murder me with a shovel, right?"
^"You were in no danger, lass. I only meant tae scare ye. And it worked pretty well at that, didn't it?"
"Fucking shit I thought I was gonna die."
^"Just do that again next time you're in trouble, and you never will."

>day four of princesshood
>at long last, the day is done
>you've tossed that awful fucking crown into the corner of your chamber
>you've got about a dozen guards posted outside the door
>you've got the curtains drawn tightly against the midnight Sun
>and now
>you're climbing onto the unreasonably large bed
>burying yourself under the green silk quilt upon it
>and burrowing into the pillows
>already, your tight schedule is leaving you positively exhausted at the end of each day
>as you yawn and roll over, you know you'll be asleep in a few seconds
>sleep tight, poner
>…
>then your eyelids snap wide open
>there was a…
>noise
>sort of a
>slithery
>hissy
>noise
>you slowly crane your neck to look around the room
>did you see something darting between the cupboard and the chest?
>no
>that's just your imagination
>your sleep time is too scant as it is
>no time to waste on silliness
>you close your eyes again
>oh, shit, something just bumped into something
>you're sitting stiff upright in bed now
>aw, fuck it
>you're not gonna get to sleep without getting to the bottom of this now
>of course, you could just call in the guards to search the room for you
>but…
>d'aw, wook at da widdle pwincess, scawed of da monsters under her bed
>yeah, fuck that
>you hop out of bed
>you'll find it yourself
>probably just a bat or something that got into the castle
>with cautious, quiet steps, you prowl about the royal bedchamber
>checking under the chest
>in the cupboards
>between the sofa cushions
>under the bed
>but nothing can be found
>a breeze blows in through the open window and cools the nervous sweat that's pooled on your brow
>you sigh
>it's probably nothing
>and then you begin sweating again
>you never left the window open!
>the curtains you had so tightly drawn…
>they've been disturbed!
>oh, hell, something is IN here!
>you'd scream
>but your throat feels glued shut
>and then
>there's the noise
>it's close
>very close
>it might even be…
>you look down
>sitting at your very hooves!
>imagine the love-child of a scorpion and a snake
>a wide head tapering into a narrow tail
>a glistening exoskeleton over its whole body
>but a perpetual, undulating slither in its motions
>a pair of long fangs sticking straight out from its mouth
>and two legs that seem to slither the creature rather than walk it
>oh yeah, you scream
>rearing by terrified instinct allows you to just barely dodge the venomous fangs of the hideous monster
>a legion of guards all but break down the door at the sound
>"Princess Anon!"
"Kill it kill it kill it kill it!"
>the nightmare ends when a brawny guard gallops over and crushes the thing with an armored hoof
>a flash of light hails the entrance of Starswirl the Bearded
<"Anonymous! Are you in danger?"
>you try to shake off some of the terror from your face
>try
"I was. You just missed it."
>you point to the guard who saved your life
>he's currently looking with disgust at the crushed creature that's stuck to his armored horseshoe
>Starswirl sees the creature and gasps
<"Ophidious Ippolit, the dream worm!"
"Familiar with it?"
<"It's an extremely dangerous animal. The dream worm is so venomous that… actually, guard, take off that horseshoe. Never wear it again."
>with a "gah," the guard shakes the tainted apparel from his hoof
>Starswirl shakes his head
<"You will not find a creature like that anywhere within Equestria. Having it imported must have cost someone a small fortune."
>but who, you wonder
>is someone?

>day five since you were crowned
>the guards insist that they're already investigating the attempts on your life
>but now, after the third one, you want to look into the investigation yourself
>for your sanity
>it is, after all, your life on the line here
>so you're sitting in a dark room, surrounded by guards
>and this time, that's a good thing
>Starswirl is lurking in the corner
>he's probably just hoping you don't insult half the royal guard into quitting
>don't worry, you won't
>though it's sort of tempting
>the guards are presenting their findings to you
>but they haven't really found anything
>they have no idea who the tall swordspony could have been
>they have no idea who could have planted that bomb
>and there's no likely suspect on record as having purchased a dream worm recently
>in fact, there's no likely suspect as all
>as far as they can tell, whoever's behind all this is someone with access to the castle
>but that's literally hundreds of ponies
"Gentlemen, it's time for a fresh perspective on things."
>a snoring guard sits next to you, wearing a pair of sunglasses in a feeble attempt to hide his slumber
>you snatch these sunglasses and put them on
>they're too big, so you have to hold them on your snoot with your hoof
"Tell me, have you ever heard of a stand-alone complex?"
>"What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking, gentlemen, about memes, the DNA of the soul."
>the guards are looking at you like you're fucking retarded
>no matter, you're about to blow their minds
"Consider this. One pony, perhaps someone with influence, voices discontent with the current administration. Half a dozen other ponies - without any connection to each other - hear this, take it to heart, and try to kill me. An accidental conspirator. Copycats without an original, acting out the will of the memes."
>the major who's been presenting the findings is none other than the guard who saved your life last night
>he cocks his head and speaks uncomfortably
>"No, princess. There certainly are multiple ponies involved here, but in cases like this there's always an intentional conspirator behind it all, most likely paying off the others. Generally speaking it would be someone from an opposing faction of the government, or a rival for your position, or-"
"You think I'm crazy, do you? What if I could tell you who the meme-smith behind it all is? Behold, our accidental conspitlrator!"
>you toss today's copy of the Canterlot Chronicle onto the conference table
>the cover story?
>"PRINCESS ANON CALLS CHARITY WORKERS CUCKS," by Rhyme Broderick
"Every single day, this scum-fucker writes horiffic slander about me-"
<"He wouldn't have anything to write about you if you didn't cause a dozen scandals every day during Court."
"And I think he's brainwashing otherwise perfectly patriotic ponies into plotting against me."
>the major sighs
>"Are you saying you want us to make the Canterlot Chronicle stop saying mean things about you?"
"Have I ever told you that I've been meaning to promote you?"
>"I'll have one of my guards drop off a temporary gag-order later today."
"H-hey now, don't get the wrong idea here. I'm not just doing this out of spite, there might really be something there! Check their, uh, financial records too or something."
>"Sure thing, princess. It's as good a lead as anything else at this point."
>this motherfucker thinks he's sly
>but you see him throw a pleading look at Starswirl
>which Starswirl takes as his cue
<"Come along now, Anonymous. I think you've distracted these gentlecolts quite enough for one day. It's time for Day Court."
>an inescapable magic grip takes you by the scruff of your neck and hoists you in the air
"No, please, not Day Court!"

>day six of doing Day Court every morning
>the guards were good enough to give you a little reading material before today's court-session
>the findings from the audit on the Canterlot Chronicle
>now Starswirl seems to have nodded off in his chair
>so there's nobody to tell you to do stupid shit like "being responsible" or whatever
>thus, you've decided to ignore the current petitoner's irate rambling in favor of reading the documents
>incredibly, the audit indicates that you may have been onto something
>every article written to shit on you seems to have been followed up with a large, anonymous donation to the paper
>the guards can't trace where the bits are coming from
>so whoever they are coming from must be fairly wealthy and well-connected
>when you combine this with the donor's apparent antipathy for you…
>even the major admits that this fits the profile of the conspirator against your life
>as for your meme theory?
>the major still insists that it's nonsense
>well, he's probably right about that, now that you think about it
>"Hey! Are you listening to me?"
>you look down from the audit report
"Uh, no. Who are you?"
>"My name is Rhyme Broderick. Your goons issued a gag-order to my paper, and I want to know why you hate the free press!"
"Oh, neat! What a coincidence, I was just planning to have you arrested."
>"Huh? You can't do that!"
>the guards in the courtroom are looking askance at you
>you nod impatiently at them
>finally, Canterlot's top shithead journalist is surrounded by spears
"Sorry, I can do this. State of emergency. There have been three attempts on my life this week, you know."
>"Well that's because you're a tyrant! You're a childish, impulsive-"
"Wow! You really want to see the inside of my dungeons, don't you?"
>"Wh-wh-what do you want from me?"
>ah, do you smell that?
>that's the sweet, sweet smell of power
>you wave the audit documents in your hoof
"Somebody's been paying you to shit on me. Tell me who it is and you might go home today."
>"Wh-this is a violation of my rights! I have a right to privacy, and freedom of the press!"
"You'll have a whole lot of privacy in solitary confinement, bud."
>a snort at your side alerts you to the fact that Starswirl has just woken up
<"By the Sun! Anonymous, for the last time, you cannot have petitioners arrested for being annoying!"
"Glad you're up, teach. Mr. Rhyme here was just about to tell me who's been trying to kill me."
>Starswirl strokes his beard at that
<"I see."
>then he nods
<"Carry on. Just don't do anything cruel or unusual."
>"Th-there's no proof that my supporter is the one behind the attempts on your life! Th-that's slander!"
"I'll let my guards be the judge of that, after they investigate your 'supporter' thoroughly."
_"There's no need for that. I confess."
>you look up at the intruder
"Oh, hey Blueblood. When did you get in here?"
>then you look at him again
"Also, did you do something with your hair? And your eyes? And your… teeth?"
>Blueblood laughs
>Rhyme faints
>Starswirl keeps tapping you on the shoulder
>your eyes widen in realization
"It was you!"

>Blueblood's beach-blonde mane is now a gaseous wisp of opaque, black smoke
>his baby-blue eyes are now a piercing red
>and his carefully bleached and straightened teeth are now yellowed and sharp
>also, he's hefting a gigantic, obsidian sword in his magic
<"Th-the Black Blade!"
"Is that bad?"
<"Forged a billion years ago… killing so its power grows!"
"Should I take that as a yes?"
>Blueblood takes his new evil laugh out for another spin
_"It's very bad indeed. You've survived hired asassins, bombs, deadly animals, and even memetic warfare. But you won't survive the Black Blade!"
>you tug on Starswirl's leg
"See? Memetic warfare! The paper really was out to kill me with memes!"
_"You seem to be taking this awful lightly."
"Well, there is a legendary sorcerer standing right behind me."
<"That sword can cut through unicorn magic like butter."
"Oh."
>Blueblood laughs again
_"So what'll it be, little Princess Nonny? You can come down here for a peaceful transfer of power, or I can slaughter all of your guards, all of the petitioners in line out there, and then kill you."
"Now when you say peaceful transition of power, do you mean…"
_"You die."
"Shit."
>you shrug
"All right."
>you proceed to step down from the throne
>only for Starswirl to pull you back up by your tail
<"What are you doing?!"
"It's super basic ethics. One life vs dozens. Unless you can pull magic friendship beams out of your ass like Twilight Sparkle, this is kind of our best option."
<"You foal! Would you think for once in your life? Think you that the Black Blade will be sated with the blood of one filly? The sword is death from the beginning to the end of time!"
"Well how was I supposed to know that?"
<"Look at who you're speaking to! He's evil!"
_"What are you whispering about? I'm growing impatient!
"All right. You said that thing can cut through unicorn magic, right?"
<"Yes."
"How about earth magic?"
<"What are you getting at?"
"I have a bad idea."
>with a wink, you skip down the steps to the floor
_"Finally. I'm glad to see you're bearing this with a little more dignity than you did the other attempts."
"Ah, well, you know… Hey, isn't that one of those friendship death-rays rushing up behind you?"
_"What? Impossible!"
>when Blueblood turns around
>you bolt for the door
"EVERYBODY GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CASTLE DAY COURT IS CLOSED"
>the line of petitioners is understandably upset to see you canceling Day Court early
>but a few seconds later, they understand
>Blueblood, a red-eyed screaming ghoul, comes tearing out of the courtroom after you
>by a fortunate twist of logic, the entrance to the courtyard is only a short gallop from the entrance to the courtroom
>and in the courtyard, there's the palace gardens
>and in the gardens?
>the grove!
>once you're in the grove, you know you've only got a few seconds before Blueblood finds you
>so you hop into the brook and grab a rock
>oh fuck oh fuck this such an awful idea
>you had all those guards with spears right there and didn't ask a single one to help you!
>and now you're about to face down Celestia's own nephew and his apocalyptic sword
>with a rock
>finally, Blueblood stalks into the grove
>he has no words for you
>only manic laughter
>and he raises the Black Blade for your death-blow
>and it howls
>it howls like hell
>that's when you close your eyes
>and throw the rock
>there's a sickening CRUNCH
>oh man oh shit that was your skull, wasn't it?
>you reach up to feel your head
>actually, your skull seems intact
>you dare to open one eye
>Blueblood lies unconscious on the ground
>he looks more or less back to normal
>except, of course, for the broken jaw
>the Black Blade lies silent beside him
>oh, nice!
>you're alive!
>you hop out of the brook and shake yourself dry
>and you look at the Black Blade
>geez, this thing almost killed you, didn't it?
>you reach out to feel the flat of the blade
<"Don't touch it! You'll go as insane as he did!."
>Starswirl limps and wheezes into the grove
>as if he did so fucking much today
<"I'll have to make sure that this gets back to the deepest part of the forbidden archives where it belongs. Are you all right, Anonymous?"
"Who, me? I'm great. All I did was solve my own asassination and risk my hide for my subjects, no big deal."
>Starswirl shakes his head
<"You've done well, Anonymous. But for now, you'll have to get away from that sword. Come along."
"Yeah, all right."
<"And one more thing, Princess Anonymous."
"What's that?"
>Starswirl smiles warmly
<"You appear to have earned your cutie mark."