Homeless Anon CH2

“Theeereee’s a yellow rose in Texas… I’m going theres to see!”
>You couldn’t hold your liquor.
“No odther feller knows, nobody onshly me!”
>After all, if you could you wouldn’t be in the library singing from the top of the stacks.
>How did you get up here, no clue, but Twilight left some time ago to fetch her prototype.
>You go to take another drink, aw what? It’s empty already.
“Hey-ey! Discoman how bout you make yer shelf useful and top me off here… eh, buddy?”
>Discord claps his mismatched limbs together and the glass was full again.
>”This is great.”
>He settles himself further into his seat and magics himself up some potato chips.
>The door swings open, Twilight trots in levitating a bunch of tools, behind her is spike.
>Migit dragon pushes the engine, thankfully there was a cart there to aid in it’s transportation.
“The engines here! Time fer work… Magic dude! Give me a hand here, or claw, or whatever.”
>With that you down the last of the screw driver and roll off the top of the stack.
>He doesn’t slow your fall at all, you hit the ground with a resounding thud.
“Ma-magic man… fix my bones please.”
>”Only because you asked so nicely.”
>A series of cracks comes from the lower half of your body as the bones men themselves.
“I’m back in the game! Letsh what you managed to put together.”
>You push spike out of the way and begin to inspect the 2-stroke.
>”Anon, are you sure you’re in any condition to-“
“Quiet you.”
>Your hand closes around her muzzle, if your focus wasn’t on the engine you would have been able to see expression.
>Discord does however, and he can’t contain his giggle fit, the look of surprise and discomfort pushing him over the edge.
>Suddenly you raise your glass, it’s still somehow intact after the fall, you pull it back down already full again.
“Thanksh you kindly.”

“I can tell ya now that the compression ratio is absolutely fucked, and the exhausht ports are unnecessarily big.”
>You take you hand off her muzzle and reach into the bag of tools and draw out what you assume to be the correct wrench.
>Take a sip, and start taking the engine apart.
>Of course being drunk you forgot to drain any fluids into the pans laid out for you.
>Of course being drunk you don’t exactly keep it clean either.
>Fortunately the only being you manage to paint with oil and fuel is you.
“Egh. What ish this stuff?”
>”It’s a 1 to 2 mixture of kerosene and oil.”
“Kerosene, well I hasth heard of people using that before.”
>Like a good drunk you managed to keep your drink free of the hydrocarbons.
>Knock back the rest of it and set the glass down.
>You begin tearing out parts with little care for cleanliness.
>Out comes the piston, you raise this up and wipe away any obstructing liquid.
“Where the hells are the rings?”
>”Rings?”
>Peering back down into the chamber you make another statement.
“I, cansh also tell ya now that your tolerances are waaaay too wide.”
>”Wait, before you move on can you tell me what rings you are referring to?”
>With a sudden burst of movement that you thought would be impossible in your state you grab spike by the shoulders and pull him into you.
>He is uneasy to say the least.
>”T-twilight?”
“Spork, wheresh the design sheet for this here… abomination of science?”
>”Twilight keeps it in her room, wh-“
“We musht adjourn… to the… to the place you just said.”

>Getting up the stairs was a massive pain, after all you were maybe 8 or so deep.
>Eventually you managed to piss off Twilight so much that she teleported you straight to the room.
>Spike left to go help out at the boutique, but Discord stuck about for some reason.
“Alshrity then, letsh see whats what.”
>You stumble your way over to the design plans, it’s pinned to the wall.
“Firsht order of business! Another round of drinks.”
>With a small flash a new full glass appears in your hand, as well as Discords.
>Twilight snorts in anger, her stance dropping, ears back.
>”For Celestias sake! Stop giving him liquor.”
>”But it’s so funny.”
>You ignore the exchange behind you and take a smaller sip, already having decided to taper off.
“This won’t do at all!”
>Both Discord and Twilight look over.
“Thish is wrong, and this, yer gonna want some vanes if thish air cooled.”
>Since grabbing a quill would be too much work you decide to mark up the paper with the oil on your hands.
>”Why! Why! There’s a quill right there.”
“I already took sheh time to learn your assbackwards fokin language. So shut it short stuff.”
>More giggles behind you, whatever, keep editing.
>It takes you a good hour or so, but you manage to correct all the problems.
“There… done.”
>Twilight comes up alongside you and looks it over; you take another sip before continuing.
“Sh-ship this off to the machine shop and welsh see how it works.”
>Without saying anything she magics over a bag of bits, and continues looking over the design.
>Discord has since fallen asleep on another one of his couches.
>You walk over and tap lightly shake his shoulder.
“Discord… Disco man! Discord!”
>He wakes up with a start, making a few sputtering noises.
“I’m hungry, and I got some money now, you wanna go get some food or somethin.”

>”You smell overwhelmingly of sweat and booze.”
“Yeah, nowsh who’s fault is that?”
>”Yours.”
“Mebbe so, but you comin’ or not? I’m paying.”
>”I’m the prince of chaos, food is least of my concerns.”
“Well schleepy you fellsh asleep on a couch so I’m inclined ta disagree… ya coming.”
>He wearily regards you for a moment.
>”Yes, but please, grant me a few moments so I may dress in proper attire.”
>There’s a series of flashes as the couch disappears and a Hawaiian shirt appears on him.
>He holds his talon out and a cigarette holder appears with a piece of taffy sticking out the end.
>”Whatever shall we do with Twilight?”
“Eh, she seems a might bit busy like.”
>The two of you make your way down the stairs, stopping only to grab the tarp full of food and booze.
>You sling it on your back and rendezvous with Discord in the foyer.
>Spike comes back in as you are about to leave, allowing you to drink the rest of your screwdriver and palm the empty glass on a confused spike.
“So what’s this reform stuff I’m hearing about?”
>The walking and fresh air are sobering you up pretty quick, you rate yourself a tipsy.
>”My my, word does take a long time to reach your ears doesn’t it?”
>He suddenly appears inside your ear as a miniature version of himself.
>”Not that I can blame you, after all your ears seem rather small. I would barely call these living conditions at all!”
“What are you trying to say you magical ponce?”
>”Simply that it’s old news and hardly worthwhile of gossip.”
“Egh, whatever, just needed something to t-“
>With a flash he appears next to you full size and grabs your head with his paw and turns you a to a specific little café.
“Easy! Easy now, don’t want me to vomit on ya.”
>”Fluttershy is always telling me about this place, lets go here.”

“Well it seems the yellow one was correct. That was good.”
>”Oh she’s simply marvelous, actually she was…”
>You tune out the rest; you can’t mention her name without Discord going off on a tangent about her.
>”So that’s how I found out She-“
“Dear god, just shut up and bone her already.”
>”So coarse! I prefer to handle this matter with tact.”
>His exclamation drew no attention from the other patrons, especially since you were actually being served your food in an alley.
>The café was willing to take your money, but not willing to be seen serving you.
>You set the now empty plate down on the milk crate in front of you.
“Hey, you done with your food?”
>”Yes, why do you ask?”
>You take a quick look at the shadows on the street.
“The waitress has been coming back every twenty minutes, that gives us another ten minutes before she drops off the check.”
>With a quick shift of your body you bring the tarp to the front of your chest and open the drawstring.
>Using a practiced hand you quickly scoop up the plates and cups and dump them in the tarp, squishing down the food a little.
“C’mon lets go.”
>”What?”
“Dine and dash, lets go.”
>”I thought you said you were paying?”
“I was until they shoved us in this alley.”
>The door to the café bursts open it’s a rather large earth pony with an apron and a frying pan.
>Behind him is the unicorn server, they must have heard you through the door.
“Bail! Bail!”
>Discord teleports away immediately.
“What about me!?”
>The cook and server look over at you, time to run.
>Being homeless and a thief for so long has given you lots of practice at escape.
>With a fair amount of grace You jump atop the café’s dumpster and clamber onto the roof.
>The two ponies look a little dumbfounded, teleportation must be a little too advance for the unicorn.
>With a flash of light discord appears next to you, another flash of light and the two of you are on the edge of the forest.

>It’s been awhile since you touched up on Sparkles designs.
>Maybe like three weeks or so?
>Whatever.
>This last week has been both lean and boring as hell.
>No work as per usual, but now Disco was out on some assignment or task, or something or other.
>Discord was pretty cool guy, helped you steal shit all the time.
>Hell you even took the drive shaft out of some steam car, fuck those singing brothers.
>Their just dirty con men, not like you, you make no attempt to trick ponies.
>Why? Because it was fun.
>He did invite you over for tea with the yellow stutterer a couple times, on the condition that you didn’t steal anything.
>You agreed, because why not it’s free fo-
>Movement.
>Come to papa, it sounds big, gonna be a feast tonight.
>You grip down on your beatin’ stick and prepare to drop out of the tree.
>It’s passing… right… now!
“Time to die fuck nuts!”
>As you drop you swing the stick, the deer below you looks up.
>Its mouth unhinges and widens so that it covers the forest floor with thousands of little needle like teeth.
>Panic.
>You hit the ground only to realize that the demon deer was in-fact just a portrait on the ground.
>”You really should relax more, they say this high blood pressure isn’t good for you Anon.”

>The portrait consolidates in front of you into the odd assembly of parts you call Disco.
“One of these days I’m actually gonna have a heart attack, but I’ll let it slide.”
>Discord pulls a chair out from behind his back and sits down as a table with a couple plates and glasses appear.
>You simply fall back into your own chair; you know how he operates at this point.
“So how goes it?”
>”Mostly just little errands that the royalty can’t be bothered with, but I apparently can.”
>It’s odd, the more you get to know him the more he talks normal like.
>A rather bulky minotaur butler comes sauntering out of the woods.
>”Afternoon, are we ready to order?”
>Once again this doesn’t faze you in the slightest
“I’ll take a seven and seven, with… a Philly cheese steak.”
>Discord hands his menu to the butler, like everything the menu was pointless, but part of the fun.
>”I do say that sounds rather enticing. I shall have the same.”
>The minotaur takes his menu before pulling out his eyes and dropping them in the glasses.
>They immediately turn into the specified beverage.
>”Your food shall be out in just a moment.”
>He turns and walks in a perfectly straight line a couple paces before he disappears into a flash of light.
>You take the drink, as always it’s perfectly chilled and mixed, you extend your arm raising the glass.
“Fuck the system.”
>Discords arm detaches and melds with the glass so it raises its self up on a single arm leg.
>”Fuck the system.”

>You close your eyes and take a sip of the highball.
>Good stuff, for a being of pure chaos he sure knew how to mix some good old timey drinks.
>When you open your eyes the whole area had been transformed into a 50’s era diner.
>Disco was even wearing a pinstripe suit and matching fedora.
>Huh, apparently it can be worn right.
>He even changed your clothes and hair, now sporting a rolled up shirt and pompadour.
>Oh, there’s even a soft pack rolled up in the sleeve.
>Yet another flash of light signifies the appearance of a griffon in horn rimmed glasses.
>”I got two philly cheeses here.”
>Discord drops down the front of his newspaper to look over the top at the food, you take the soft pack out and tap it gently against the table.
>”Excuse me miss, but the menu said that these come with fries.
>You draw out a cigarette, and find a zippo in your pocket, it wasn’t about your desire to smoke.
>It was about completing the image.
>”Oh, I’m sorry sir I’ll be right out with those.”
>Disco puts his newspaper down and rubs his eyes.
>”Can you believe the service here?”
“I always wondered how they stayed in business.”
>The griffon comes back with the plates, now with fries.
>”I’m very sorry about that sir, enjoy.”
>You quickly pull the plate over and take a bite out of the greasy sandwich.
“Now I see why, this magnificent.”
>”Truly it is… Here this article might interest you.”
>He slides the newspaper across the table, you go to put down your cigarette.
>An ashtray immediately appears underneath it, using your now free hand you pick up the paper.

*Revolutionary New Engine Anonymously Donated to the Canterlot Science Team*
“What!”
>”Well that certainly wasn’t the reaction I was expecting.”
“That was my goddamn ticket out of here.”
>”Perhaps it wouldn’t have been too bad of an idea to make contract.”
>Take a bite, take a drag.
“Do I look like the type to make a contract?”
>Disco shrugs and starts putting copious amounts of ketchup on his fries.
>C’mon it’s fries, no one’s that crazy.
“I’m gonna go have a very angry one sided conversation with her.”
>Disco raises his hand and is about to snap, his way of moving everything back to normal.
“Later, I need to think about this.”
>”Forgive me for prying but I really don’t see what there is to wait for.”
“It’s mostly the fact that I might clock her, and the fact that I’m far too sober to talk to the likes of her right now.”
>He doesn’t say anything as there’s a few quiet moments of him eating and you staring at the plate.
>Your appetite seems to have disappeared.
>Sip, drag, and another sip.
“Fuck!”
>You slam your hands down onto the table.
“Okay, anon, It’s alright you still got all the other human shit you know.”
>You run a hand through your greasy pompadour and take a deep breath
>You are still intent on spending some catchup time with Disco.
“So what exactly was the crown throwing into this time?”

>Aside from learning that the two stroke was donated it was pretty good day.
>Lunch, more thieving, a quick stop for tea at the yello- Fluttershy’s place, and finally a game of golf before the sun went down.
>It’s Discos turn, he steadies himself then walks away and lets the club swing on it’s own as he leans against a tree.
>The ball just turns into a bird and flies right into the hole, which he moved.
“Cheater.”
>”I suppose you have a lot of catching up to do with my perfect game so far.”
“oh ha ha. Now watch as I beat you the old fashioned way.”
>You’ve actually never played golf, this was a terrible idea.
“Fore!”
>You manage to take a rather large patch of earth out of the ground.
“Par!”
>Another chunk of dirt.
“Son of Bitch!”
>You tear off your hat and throw it down, stupid golf hat.
>With a fair amount of anger you pick up the ball and throw it.
>It lands about 30 feet away and rolls back down the hill to you.
“This isn’t fun, who invented this shit sport.”
>You swing the golf club into a tree, causing the nine iron to bend.
>”My, my Anon, that is not how you use a club at all.
>You drop the club as a flash of light envelops everything and all the golf accessories disappear.
“Well, I guess there’s no putting off the inevitable.”
>”You mean you losing?”
>He snickers.
“No you tosser, it’s been fun, but I really should go talk to Twigs now.”
>There’s a bright flash as he teleports the both of you in front of the castle.
>”Now this, I want to see.”

>The suns beginning to set, most of the ponies are running about in an effort to get home.
>They give both you and Disco a wide berth, mostly out of fear of being pickpocketed.
>In a few of the open windows you can see lots of movement.
>Must be a gathering of sorts, aren’t they a little old for sleep overs?
>Whatever.
>The castle staff won’t even let you in the front doors, you’ve tried.
>As such you pick up a good fist sized rock and prepare to throw it at the nearest window.
>You are thrown off balance as the rock suddenly changes in size and weight.
>Looking back the rock is now a firework, maybe a foot long.
>Discord gives you a thumbs up from the bushes, he obviously wanted to play the ‘silent observer’ part.
“C’mon man, you can do better.”
>Bright flash, the firework is now a veritable rocket.
>You shove the launching stick into the ground and aim it at the same window.
“Lighter please.”
>”I’ll do you one better.”
>A flash of light right in front of your face.
>Now held between your teeth is a rather large stick of cordite, the end already sparking and burning.
“Spasibo.”
>You light the fuse and stand a little to the side to avoid the blast.
>It launches with a short wail before impacting the window and detonating inside.
>”Lands Sakes!”
>”What in the hoof was that!”
>”Oh… oh dear.”
“I don’t think I got their attention, or at least as much as I’d like.”
>Flash of light in the dark, you are now holding a molotov cocktail.
“I said get their attention not burn the castle down, c’mon head in the game man!”

>Several windows open, various ponies poke their heads out.
>Rainbow is the first one to speak up.
>”If it isn’t the chimp, what did you get tired of… uh…”
“Your mouths running but your mind ain’t”
>”I swore I had something for this.”
“Sure, sure. I’ll believe that when I see it you ch-“
>Twilight cuts you off, her pupils are very constricted.
>Oh ho, you really kicked the hornets nest this time.
>”Anon, what do you want, and why shouldn’t I charge you with property destruction.”
“One because I know you already are going to press charges, and two what the fuck Twigs?!”
>This time it’s AJ’s turn.
>”Twilight, what’s he talkin’ about”
“I gave you the designs to the two stroke, hell I got several others up here.”
>You tap your head.
>Twilight seems rather surprised by this.
>”You think I donated it for fame or money, what about ‘anonymously donated’ do you not understand.”
“That’s not the point, I wanted money from it.”
>”Well you should have said something earlier.”
“I didn’t think I had too, I really could give less of a shit about helping out your archaic society.”
>”It’s over Anon, maybe your next time you’ll think ahead.”
“Yeah well… I…”
>Fluttershy peers a little harder into the bushes.
>”Dis… Discord?”

>There’s a flash behind you as he teleports out of the area.
“Goddammit! Discord you pussy whipped bastard!”
>You see Twilight’s horn glow for a second before discord appears behind her, right, she could do that.
“That’s it, I’m gonna design a rotary and then sell it to the griffons, how do you like them apples!”
>Twilight, AJ, and Rarity all give you quizzical looks, the rest were currently angrily talking to Disco.
“And I’m commandeering your mailbox.”
>You one arm hug the rather simple sheet metal thing and begin to pull up on it.
>”That’s it, Dash go wake the guards.”
>The mailbox comes out of the ground, you heft it onto your shoulder.
>”Sir drop the weapon and come quietly.”
>Whirl around, there’s about four guard ponies.
>Two earth, one unicorn, and one Pegasus.
>You can escape this as long as the unicorn isn’t that great at magic.
“Sure, sure.”
>You gently set the mailbox down, upon doing so the guards relax.
>To their detriment, your hand darts over to the still burning stick of cordite and light the Molotov.
>They take a few steps back as you throw it on the ground between you and them.
“Yeah run through fire, well, so long fuckfa-“
*Whi-bang*
>Your surroundings immediately change to that of a dim cell with iron bars.
>There’s a sensation of nausea and vertigo that accompany all teleportations.
“Well… Fuck.”

>It only took a couple hours after Twilight teleported you to cell for the guard to take you to Canterlot for a very public trial.
>A very one sided trial.
>Apparently you are the single biggest non-magical felon in all of Equestria.
>It’s like there’s no crime here.
>Individually most of your crimes would amount to fines or short stays in local guard prisons.
>But considering you stole an average of three things every day, and you got arson, disturbing the peace, and resisting arrest added to the list.
>… Yeah you’re gonna be here a while… life to be exact.
>Which sucks because this place is boring as shit, and they don’t give you nearly enough food.
>You’re reading the latest Daring Do book and lying in the bed the state was gracious enough to provide you with.
>There’s a metallic rattle as a couple of prison guards run their nightsticks against the bars.
>”You have a visitor, up and at em’”
>With a flourish you set the bookmark back in place and point to your cell mate, a rather small Pegasus with clipped wings.
>Honestly you found the clipped wings rather sad, but all prisoners had to go through it.
“Don’t touch my book.”
>The guards lead you down the aisle of cells, not a single one of them insults you anymore.
>They did for the first week, but then things started to go missing.
>So in the interest of keeping their meager belongings they stopped.
>The guards push you into a sound proofed room meant for prisoner to lawyer conversations.
>You recognize the grey/brown unicorn who was your public defender, his whole job was a sham.
“Hey, what’s going on?”
>The guards close the door and the lock sets in place with a thud.
>The unicorn blinks revealing yellow and red eyes.

“Disco!”
>Disco opens his mouth and the disguise is sucked in revealing his true self.
>”My my, the packaging said that these edible costumes were orange flavored.”
>He pulls the box out from behind his back and points to the small portrait of himself.
“You might have to write a letter complaining about false advertising.”
>”You know what I think I will… But enough of that unpleasantness, you seem to be in a pickle.”
>there’s a flash of light as he dresses you in a pickle costume and turns the room into a vaguely English pub.
>You reach up and take a chunk out of the suit and begin munching down on it.
“Yeah, but it ain’t all bad, I’ll find a way out, you’ll see.”
>”May I perhaps offer some useful advice?”
>You reach your hand out, as you do so a pint of lager appears.
“You may.”
>You take a sip as he speaks.
>”It is to my understanding that you mortals require some amounts of iron to live.”
“You are not wrong.”
>Discord takes a chunk out of the pickle costume and throws it at the dartboard, in air the pickles turn to darts and all land in the treble ring.
>”If you feel that the staffs here are not meeting your dietary requirements perhaps consider eating some metal.”
>It’s a hint, not meant to be taken literally, you take a sip and think about all the metal things in your cell.
>You push those aside, you have an actual question.
“How’s Ponyville been without me?”
>”Unbearably dull friend, they all seem so content to live out their lives the same way until they die.”
>There’s a couple moments of silence, a couple more sips as discord turns the coasters to life and has them get married.
“Why?”
>He looks up and returns the coasters back to their lifeless state.
“Why are you helping me? I mean, thank you, seriously, but… why?”

>”Is this not what friends do for one another?”
“No it is, but to be honest you warmed up to me right quick, and, it can’t just be that you enjoy watching me irritate the ponies.”
>You take a sip.
“If that were the case, we would be acquaintances, don’t take this the wrong way, but what separates me from any of the other ponies in this here prison?”
>Disco regards you for a couple moments, there’s a sudden flash of light as the pub disappears, as does the pickle suit.
>This is the most serious you’ve seen him; maybe you just fuck up royally.
>At least he left the lager, you begin to chug this down, if you angered him you don’t want to be sober.
>”Three reasons.”
>He takes a breath.
>”You’re the first person who has accepted me for who I am, right from the beginning you never asked me to change, you never asked me to stop, you never tried to reform me or change me in any way.”
>He leans back in his chair.
>”Next, I feel that I can actually learn a whole lot from you. Look at all the chaos and confusion you caused. With no magic, with no flight. You still managed to get everypony in Ponyville to install locks and close their windows.”
>He taps the table with his talon, not used to these types of conversations.
>”Plus you understand that wanton destruction is a system in of its own, that kind of chaos is just boring.”
>You put the now empty glass down on the table, ignoring the fact that it refills on its own.

>”Finally… You understand the place of magic.”
>This one catches you off guard, causing you to raise an eyebrow.
>”Even though I use magic I try to use it to not solve problems with it. These ponies have been solving their problems with magic ever since they came to understand what powers they have… It’s stunted them, held them back. I have seen the rise and fall of several species and empires, the ones that did the best were always the ones who eschewed magic for science.”
“Huh, wow, didn’t take you fer a thinker.”
>”I have been alive since the dawn of time, everything I do now is simply to enjoy my stay.”
>There’s a few moments of silence, neither of you really have any words that need to be said.
>”I wish I could see your world, see what a species driven by physical limitations could achieve. Because if you’re right and the engine you designed is one of the oldest and weakest, I wonder what humans could make.”
>There’s a banging on the door, indicating that you only had a couple minutes left.
“Well, it’s been nice, but it’s time for us to part ways again.”
>Discord nods as he slowly puts his disguise back on, a comically large zipper running up his face.
>”Fuck the system.”
“Fuck the system.”
>The door opens and the guards come back in.