in love and don't know what to do

Back in September of 2015, I went to Japan on a student exchange for a year. On my first day, I arrived in the middle of the night and was anxious out of my mind. New country, new language, new everything. The rep from the school who picked me up said that someone would be by the next day to take me grocery and furniture shopping. That next day, I was up really early as I didn't sleep much and I was ready to go in plenty of time. I waited on the person and they arrived exactly when the rep said they would. I opened the door expecting some little old lady or something but was greeted by one of the most beautiful women I have ever laid eyes on. It quite literally took my breath away how beautiful she was. I will refer to her as ABC for the remainder of this paste.

She took me to buy some furniture (I believe I purchased a small round table and some cutlery) as well as some groceries. She helped me out with everything, as I knew literally 0 Japanese when I first got there. It poured rain. Some of the hardest rain I have ever experienced, but it was exciting nonetheless. Finally, she dropped me back off at my dorm room and left, but I was quite happy with the fact that since she worked in the university's International Exchange Center that I'd be able to see her again.

My next notable exchange with her came when we went on a field trip to an abandoned elementary school in the Japanese countryside, which was quite the experience. We played a lot of games like hide and seek with all the lights off at night in an abandoned school (quite the experience), had a BBQ, and just soaked in the incredible atmosphere. ABC came with us, which I was super happy about and not expecting. I finally got to see her in casual dress, as she always dressed very formally at work in the university. That night after we played hide and seek, I realized I had forgotten my glasses after I had taken my contact lenses out for the day. Not being able to see very well, I staggered into the somewhat small cafeteria in the school and ABC was there. I actually got to speak to her one-on-one and found out some more about her. She had been an exchange student herself in Australia years before which was why her English was so good. To top it all off, she loves scary movies. She mentioned that the movie Scream was one of her favorites. I told her I loved that movie and asked if she'd like to watch it with me sometime. She said yes immediately, which was incredibly surprising to me, but made me really happy.

A few days after, we went to the university library where you could rent DVDs, which is where she told me that her and I watching a movie together would probably be inappropriate, given that I was a student and she was working in the IEC. I saw it from her perspective and immediately agreed and respected her decision. However, we both came up with an idea for Halloween to rent Paranormal Activity from the library and make an event where Japanese and international students could get together and have a 'movie night', which was incredibly successful.

A few months later in my second semester, I actually got a job working in the IEC alongside ABC and a couple other really good people I had been dealing with the entire year who facilitated all of the international students' needs and events. I was put in charge of coming up with events for that semester's new international student arrivals. Not wanting to do the same things we did last semester, I came up with a plan to go to a campground near a lake, which had inflatable balls that you could walk into and walk around on the water. It had a campfire area that was covered by a large roof and it was generally a very good looking place to camp out. However, the one American staff member of the IEC, who is best friends with ABC, shot down my plan at every single turn. I spent weeks on the plan, had the budget all planned out, and it was generally very well thought out and entirely possible to do. Some excuses to not do it were that if the weather was bad, it would suck. Fair. Another one was that it was too expensive and that students would have to pay more to go, which generally wasn't the case, as the campground was moderately priced. There were some other excuses, but all I remember is that they were not great excuses to not go. On my last day of revising the plan, having exhausted all options with my planning, I presented the final plan to my American colleague and waited to hear the response, which was still no. ABC, being in the office with us, immediately said, "I don't realize why we can't do this. He's put so much work into it. I think we can go." The American and ABC, who were best friends, literally got into an argument in front of my eyes about it. I didn't say anything, but I watched as this person actually stood up for me, which, in my life up to that point, was exceptionally rare. Needless to say, it gave my heart a small but furious little pitter pat. Let it be noted that they are still friends and my plan in no way caused considerable turmoil in their relationship LOL. I just couldn't believe she actually stood up for me to one of her best friends. The argument did get rather heated between them in a few parts.

I remember walking with her down the street one time and I talked about really wanting to stay in Japan even after my year in university was over. Of course, I had no degree yet so I really had no avenue of doing so. ABC told me that the Japanese "love seeing that you've completely finished and accomplished something", which was something I always remembered and probably how I stuck through like 5 more years of post-secondary education after that.

After I graduated from university, I decided to go back to Japan but live in Tokyo where I attended a Japanese language academy. I always kept ABC in my mind and kept in touch with her over LINE, which I still do to this day. After all of our conversations, it became apparent that I had developed a soft spot for her. I had got close to dating a few different people in Tokyo, but nothing ever really clicked between us. I was living in a share house with about 6-7 other people, which quickly devolved into my hating the shit out of living there. I rented a place which was completely private and I could live by myself, but it wouldn't be available for another 3 weeks. Luckily, I had some time off and was able to go back to the city I stayed in previously where ABC is front in order to bridge the gap until the new place would be ready. I went there on the shinkansen and went out to dinner with a man I worked with at the IEC, a university friend of mine, and ABC. ABC sat in front of me and my university friend sat to my right, with my former colleague sitting in front of him. We somehow got on the topic of dating and love lives in general. Somehow, I found out how old ABC is, which is almost approximately 10 years older than myself. My uni friend asked if I had dated anyone back in Tokyo. I said that I hadn't really, to which he responded with, "Hey! Aren't you and ABC single? You two could go on a date!" I looked at ABC and I said, "Well? Do you want to go on a date sometime?" Her eyes immediately lit up and she said, "Yes! Absolutely!" Her comment after accepting caught me completely off guard, which was, "I don't mind if my husband is younger than I am. In fact, I kinda prefer that." I looked at her and I immediately responded with, "Well, I don't mind if my wife is older than I am. In fact, I kinda prefer that." She smiled at me and shook my hand, which of course made me blush like an in love idiot.

Months later in the summer, she made good on the proposal and came all the way out to Tokyo for our date. I met her and walked her to her hotel, where she off-loaded her stuff. We went to a temple, where we were put into an interview on television (don't know how that happened) where we had to taste a food and say if we liked it or not. I don't know if we actually made it on TV or not haha. We went to a few more places and then returned to her hotel to wait for our movie at the theater to start. We sat really close to each other, but eventually she said to me that her "life steps" were "much higher" than mine, meaning she has a career, a house, all of her stuff together and I do not yet. I knew this was her way of saying that it wasn't time for us yet. I respected her decision and agreed. I had absolutely no hard feelings about it. I took her out to dinner, which was a really fancy place and we ate some incredible food and very cute desserts. While she made it clear that I needed to essentially grow up a bit more before getting into a serious relationship with her, she still treated it like a romantic date and there were absolutely no hard feelings. In fact, she wanted me to call her by her name (ABC for this post) with the suffix "-chan", usually used between lovers. I called her ABC-chan to which she immediately came up with a short form of my real name, but also with the suffix "-chan". I honestly don't think I've ever been in love so much in my entire life. The movie we wanted to see was actually sold out when we got there so we had to watch Fast and the Furious whatever number it was. I told her I was sorry and that I should have reserved tickets in advance, but she said she absolutely did not mind seeing a "guy movie". We said our goodbyes after the movie and I felt really good about the date. I also felt nervous, because I kept overthinking that maybe I had said something stupid or was putting too much pressure on her. I combed through my memory of the event to make sure I hadn't been too much of a degenerate.

Eventually, I came back to Canada for college, but I always kept in touch with her. Even to this day, I still talk to her at least once a month. The conversation is always light. While we still referred to each other with the "-chan" suffix for a few weeks after my departure from Japan, eventually it went back to my formal full name with her, which made me a bit sad. Whenever something difficult happened in my life with school or I was generally feeling down, I would talk to her. Her response is always, "You're <my name>, so you can do anything! Just do your best." Even through everything and despite the distance, we still cheer each other on. While I did manage a few relationships in college in Canada, I still kept her in my mind. Taking the time to talk to her every month lets me practice my Japanese, which she says she's always impressed with. I went to Japan for a vacation with my mom in 2018, and when I told ABC about it, she immediately invited the both of us to her house for lunch. We ended up getting to the city a day late, so we couldn't make it to her house, but we joined her at the IEC where she made us both matcha green tea. She was very accommodating and my mom really liked her.

I went to university after college and got my degree and of course three weeks before I got the piece of paper in my hand and could go back to Japan, COVID happened. I actually got a job in Japan last summer as an English teacher, but the company ghosted me a week before I was supposed to go, plane ticket in hand and everything and I never ended up going. I was extremely disappointed, considering I had told ABC I would be returning.

EDIT: When I was ghosted by the company, I told her about it. Her response was, "I was wondering what happened to you!" After I told her the story, she immediately asked for a name and number for a contact at the company so she could call and complain to them on my behalf. Once again, this was an offer from her I was not expecting but once again sort of cemented the idea that she still has a bit of a soft spot somewhere for me. :)

She had even invited me to an ikebana event, which is a huge hobby of hers. I really was looking forward to going with her, but of course, life got in the way again. I had kept in touch with her leading up to this, but always felt sad because I didn't know if she still had the same feelings for me as I have for her after all this time. I figured she had just gotten a new boyfriend or a husband already and that I was once again too late.

However, for this past Valentine's Day, I decided to send her flowers as a sort of surprise gift. I asked a former colleague of mine which division of the university she worked in, as she moved on from the IEC. He told where she worked and I sent her flowers. I got a bunch of messages from her while I was streaming on the night of the 13th, which also included a picture of her with the flowers. The messages she sent included a ton of heart emojis and smiley faces. She said she was extremely surprised and thankful for the flowers. She said that they were really beautiful and that she was really happy to get them. She put them on her desk and said that her Valentine's Day was made really special because of me. I couldn't be more happy. It only fueled a fire in me that has been burning for a long time. I now have an interview for a potential job in Japan coming up in early May. However, this job may also lead to other places like Los Angeles, New York, or even Europe. I'm really hoping to scoop up a job in Japan by talking with some of the Japanese reps that will be in attendance. Getting a job in one of those other locations would be an incredible boost in my career, but now I am torturing myself with the fact that it may either be ABC or career advancement. One or the other. I still don't know if she is seeing anyone else and after all this time, I don't know if she has those same feelings like we had. Judging by her reaction to the flowers, maybe she's still single. Who knows? I know I like her. Does she like me in that same way? God, I don't know what to do. I would hate having to potentially choose.

Right now, I'm planning on sending her more flowers for her birthday in late April. I think the best course of action would be to talk to her then when she gets her flowers just to get an idea of where we stand. Having some clear communication will really help. If she's found someone else or she doesn't have those same feelings, we can still be friends and I can pursue my career to the fullest. I'm so scared that I'm too late. I'm always so late. I'm way past late. I'm 5 years late. She's so beautiful and so special to me that I would hate for the world to continue to get in the way of someone in my life who is so supportive and kind. Seems like the universe has a very sick sense of humor. I can tell we both have soft spots for each other even still, but I really don't know for sure. Does she like me really? I have no idea. I'll respect her decision no matter what, but I'm hoping for once in around a half a decade that things will finally line up for us. I'm gonna continue to do my best because that's what she expects of me. If I continue to do my best, I know I'll get back there to her. Another day. Another time. But until then, I miss you.