introduction 2.0

This short feature presentation is brought to you by somebody else's idea, so please, even if it means I'm vain and mopey, don't think it's something I want to present or make your problem.
In sixth grade I had an EEG, an electroencephalogram. That's where they stick electrical sensors to your head to produce a series of waves indicating in broad strokes where your brain is most active; rather than for a scientific purpose, it is for a diagnostic purpose. We were trying to find out, what is wrong with Mackie?
As usual, we found nothing wrong. I was a perfectly healthy child incapable of the trivial, simple act of humaning.
Despite the best efforts of my family, I spent easily ten straight years in public school, moving too often to keep lasting friendships, constantly persuaded by occasionally life-threatening levels of violence and neglect of the simple, certain truth that it was my fault. That something was fundamentally unacceptable about me, and that if I just tried harder I could be better, I could be equal.
My mother, of course, was undaunted. As Anne Shirley said, 'I'm glad she was satisfied with me, anyhow.' After a great deal of research, she found a list of diagnostic criteria which fit me perfectly.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, version 4-R, defines Asperger's Syndrome's diagnostic criteria as follows:

(I) Qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following:

    (A) marked impairments in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body posture, and gestures to regulate social interaction
    (B) failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level
    (C) a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interest or achievements with other people, (e.g.. by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people)
    (D) lack of social or emotional reciprocity

(II) Restricted repetitive & stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests and activities, as manifested by at least one of the following:

    (A) encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus
    (B) apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals
    (C) stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g. hand or finger flapping or twisting, or complex whole-body movements)
    (D) persistent preoccupation with parts of objects


(III) The disturbance causes clinically significant impairments in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

(IV) There is no clinically significant general delay in language (E.G. single words used by age 2 years, communicative phrases used by age 3 years)

(V) There is no clinically significant delay in cognitive development or in the development of age-appropriate self help skills, adaptive behavior (other than in social interaction) and curiosity about the environment in childhood.

(VI) Criteria are not met for another specific Pervasive Developmental Disorder or Schizophrenia.

I have never found a way to adequately express how wondrous it was to have a name for my most egregious faults.

I am apt speak in a very detailed, sometimes circuitous manner, because, philosophy aside, the insides of your heads are even more mysterious to me than they probably are to each other. Many forms of communication among humans are accidental or incidental. I am nearly incapable of accidental or incidental communication; most of my mannerisms were deliberately learned, and if they're second nature now, it's only by three decades of practice. What's more, they're not self-correcting; I do not notice when they fall flat, communicate poorly or not at all, or hurt people. These things need stated deliberately and openly, or I will not notice them. I realize that's impossible and cruel to ask; for that, I suppose, we have an arbitrator. I would apologize for the increased burden this will place on somebody in that position, but I'm also paradoxically aware you do not like my apologies. I will need some kind of alternative. The idea of not owning up to and communicating my genuine contrition for my faults is one which is foreign to me, and frightening; I will hurt y'all, and I know not how or when it shall occur, and it will seem thoughtless when it will most likely, in fact, be merely blind. I do not want this to occur, and knowing that I cannot apologize without making y'all feel worse is vexing to me. Is it unkind of me to say that's a bad rule in our society, that an apology must be reciprocated? It seems cruel and mysterious to me that one must feel bad when another has wronged you and apologized for it. However, asking people to change how they feel is asking too much, so knowing it's a cruel societal quirk for me is only marginally useful.

Regardless, Temple Grandin says she thinks in pictures. I think, as often as not, in large, emotional constellations, chunks which I lay over one another or link before I'm fully conscious of the ramifications. This is not an intelligence thing, merely an alien frame of mind, and it's something I do accidentally but consciously. From this I attempt to string together a notion I can communicate intelligibly, and it doesn't always work well; the effort of turning these thoughts into coherent sentences usually means there's a lot of what I call 'compression,' where I hope the other person simply understands the keywords which signify the larger constellations I have pushed together in my conscious effort to create of the world a holistic worldview. This usually means some half-assed understanding of information theory, physics, or something else which strikes me as a useful metaphor for something I experience. I usually assume I know veritably nothing on these subjects, but my willingness to use these words can be easily mistaken for confidence or pride when it is, in fact, helpless floundering.

Frequently these become maxims, phrases I use to guide my thought processes. The difficulty of passing bad news up the chain of command brought about the destruction of the Challenger and Columbia shuttles; thus, it can be of deadly importance to attend to unpleasant news. Dunning and Kruger demonstrated that metacognition of how much we know about a subject is gained as we learn about the subject, so we overestimate how much we know until we know that we know not. There are a lot of these. I do not know if y'all use them, but I rely on them heavily, since my recognition of patterns of behavior is not intuitive but almost strictly deliberate, and where it is illogical it is so because I am flawed, not because I am not trying to get it right.

When I am under a great deal of stress, my adaptations, including filters which improve the coherence of my speech, slowly begin to vanish. Strangely, one of the last things to go is my ability to "bullshit," to string together ideas in a manner which seems coherent to those who know me well. As these will be pretty densely compressed, they'll probably sound haughty or ridiculous, and I suspect sometimes it will lack discretion and speak of biases I'm unaware I have; in vino veritas, and no less so for other forms of exhaustion, one supposes.

It may or may not help to know I consider myself less than human. There are things most of you do with trivial ease which are beyond my abilities, most likely forever out of reach. The vast majority of facial expressions are unreadable to me; the obvious two dozen or so which we casually name off are one thing, and knowing the visible difference between a Duchenne and PanAm smile is useful, but the motion of hands, of eyes, of a certain kind of eye contact versus another, or just a twitch of the lips or turn of the head, these mean nothing to me and pass unnoticed. This is not especially less true of some turns of phrase, which I'm almost always first inclined to take literally, or

While I'm sure there must be some microaggressions of which I'm guilty and unaware, it's very probable some of my actions are taken for microaggressions when in fact they are simply the rockers of a rocking chair insensitively, unknowingly crushing the tails of a cat; the motions of an object, insensible and meaningless, which nonetheless leave others injured in its wake. These absolutely are not the same thing. However, this is asking others to try to first believe that I mean well, when it's been established this is asking too much; I cannot ask this. If you must first believe my actions are hostile, therefore, or must reserve the right to do so, I must ask how I can adapt to a growing certainty of my ill intent when it's an intent I cannot perceive. I fear there's a real risk of gaslighting from both sides in either case, an idea which frightens me, as I already doubt my conscious experience enough to find the surreal comforting and to believe first the words of others over my own experience and memory.

To this latter likewise I know of no solution. I am slowly becoming aware that "reality checking" is, for the most part, an undue emotional burden on others, as is attempting to decrypt my statements, to assume I mean well, or to adjust to my bizarre facial and bodily expressions, often seeming vacant, confused or arrogant when really only confused, distressed or frightened fits.

In short, I wish to make this a safe place for all of you, and if as it stands I make you feel unsafe, you please must know that I am both unaware and entirely uncertain how to correct it.

I am largely incapable of healthy, normal eye contact. Anything said to me subtly or nonverbally will be missed almost entirely.

I've already hurt y'all, and I'm going to hurt y'all more, and that scares, shocks and distresses me, which in turn probably means my communicating this fact will cause y'all to be upset, which means I'm probably doing more harm than good right now with this far too late briefing... I can't know, and as a result am apt to assume the worst.

I'd like to be helpful to y'all, to use what gifts I do possess, be they privilege, knowledge, or copious spare time, to be of assistance in your work. I need orders. That might be asking too much as well. I didn't join to lead, or to have my input, or to change what y'all do, though, but to try to facilitate, to assist, to take orders from those who know better than I what I should be doing with my time because their needs are more pressing than mine, their lives in more danger. I could go back into the closet if I had to, I could cut my hair, I could exhaust myself trying to appear conservative and safe and conventional, but I'd rather exhaust myself here, to put myself to your plow until I am told I am done or until I can do no more today, because your struggles are my struggles, even where they or the measures to alleviate them differ.

I fear my gifts may be insufficient compared to the burdens I produce. There are no safe spaces for me, but the spaces which exist are safer for me than they are for some others present; if in time it is discovered that I cannot help create a safe space for y'all here, to make sure your voices are heard equally, I fear returning, but moreso I fear staying. I fear the pain y'all can cause me, but I moreso fear the pain I can cause you, because I've done it before and will do it again.