[MGE] MG Adventuring Party Shenanigans {Stories 1-3}

(In no particular order)

01
Be a support healer
Only male in the entire party
Be in a party with 3 others
One is a Minotaur Berserker, another is a Mantis Brawler, and the last one is a Living Armor Tank
They are somewhat competent but usually end up incapacitated at the end
Have to heal their asses
Get a quest from the guild
Seems easy enough
Have to rescue some kid from a group of bandits
Try to tell them not to get overconfident
They ignore me since "I can't fight"
We get ambushed anyways
Living Armor stumbles into an obvious pit-fall trap
Mantis somehow got paralyzed by a blow-dart from one of the bandits
Minotaur gets hit by a sleeping potion in the face
All alone with no one to back up
areyoufuckingkiddingme.jpg
Bandit leader strolls up
It's some kid with little cute horns protruding from her head
Says if I beat her in a one-on-one fight, she'll come back home
Okay
Gain the upper-hand by buffing myself with support spells
She tries to take a stab at me with her knife
My wounds close rather fast
We come to a stalemate since I put all my stats into INT and not DEX or STR
shit
Another party stumbles upon the group of bandits
It's another bunch of monstergirls
They curbstomp the bandits easily
Plead with them to take me
They already have their dedicated healslut back at their place
They leave with the bandit group's money and stuff
Want to kill self
Grab Bandit Leader's knife
Apply directly to the stomach
Bleed out
Heals back almost instantly
Inwardly regret buffing
Party members finally recover
Grab the kid
Congratulate me for a job well-done
They want to "thank" me when we get back
What did I do to deserve this

02
Be in the Mist Continent
Travelling with 5 Kunoichi ninjas
Be a trained Rogue myself, but not even close to their skill level
Aspire to be as agile and nimble as they are
Spot another clan of Kunoichi travelling
It's a rival clan
Better hide
Hide under the covers of our wagon but also so I can see what's happening
Find my group disappeared, the other clan as well
Can't hear or see anything
What is going on?
Try to step out of the wagon
Feel something trips on me
Find out it's one of the rival Kunoichi
She pouts at me and tells me to take responsib-
She gets hit by a kunai in the forehead
Nonlethally of course
One of my group's kunoichi thanks me before disappearing in thin air
Feel helpless
Try to get someone's attention
Feel a presence behind me
All of them except the one hit by the kunai are present and in one neat file line
They speak up in unison
"What is it, goshujin?"
Eh...?
Eh...?
Me?
Muster up the courage to command them
Tell them to stop fighting each other
They stare at me
Tell them to just get along
They are still staring at me
Order them to leave
They start blushing and squirm in place
Relent and tell all of them to come with me
They smile from beneath their masks and teleport into the wagon
We leave for the next town over
The other kunoichi that was incapacitated by a kunai wakes up
Wonders where everyone went

03
Epic dungeon looting with monstergirl friends
Sweeping the dungeon with ease
Come up to the dungeon boss
Strut my stuff
Eventually kill it
Find the loot chest
It's actually a Mimic
Like from Dark Souls
Roll to escape
Get a 1
Die
Get enraged at the Gazer DM
Smugly tells me it's just a game
Grit teeth and respond that this campaign has been going over for a month
Have to make a new character at Lv. 1 while everyone else is Lv. 70-80
The chubby Cheshire and sickly Oomukade laugh at my misery
Tell them to fuck off
They laugh it off
The shy Kobold asks me if I want some of her stuff
Say yes
Have to wear high-tier tight-fitting garments for the rest of the game or until I die again

Later in the game
Cheshire has to roll a 16-20 or else she triggers a spike trap
Roll a 15
Try to contain my laughs
Rolls to heal herself, needs a 3-4
Rolls a 1
Almost die in real life from the sheer irony
She gets angry and teleports to my face and slams her fat ass down on me
Can't breath
Roll a 10-20 to escape
Roll a 7
Pass out