Twilight's Research (Working Title)

>It was a beautiful day in Ponyville. The birds were singing, the bees were buzzing, and the birds and the bees were moaning.
>Well not really, that was mostly just a bad euphemism to get you fuckers' attention. But I digress
>Hopefully it worked
>Anyway, Twilight Sparkle was having a lovely time sipping her freshly brewed tea in her cozy little treehome and burying her stout mug into a riveting book.
>"Spike!" She called, "This is some wonderful tea!"
>Spike the baby dragon trotted out of the kitchen, a heavenly scent wafting out as he opened the door.
>"Well duh, I made it in the exact same way I always do. In fact I'm getting a little tired of it."
>"Well Spike, repetition is the easiest way to remember anything. I wouldn't want you to forget it"
>"... Then make it yourself from time to time. If you're so worried about me forgetting just do it yourself."
>"Let's change the subject, how has Anonymous been doing in his house he built?"
>"How should I know?! You never let me go over there!" Spike threw his arms up in a feeble attempt to display his anger. Such short arms make for a short temper it seemed.
>"Well, Spike, I had good reasons to." Lavender Wizard set her cup and saucer on the desk. "One, he's an alien. He could have had the Coot for all we know and-". She was cut off before she could finish her rambling.

>"Twilight, the Coot? Seriously? I doubt hue-mans even GET diseases, and to be frank I highly doubt that he has a disease that was designed for PONIES." Spike was pretty much done with Twilight all morning. Sometimes he didn't want tea, but Twilight was the mare of the house, therefore he got stuck with tea.
>Why couldn't he get something like a Ruby Smoothie? It's not like gems were that expensive, tea leaves were kinda hard to grow in Equestria.
>Purple Snark shifted back into focus as he vaguely realized Twilight was still speaking.
>"-he may not be able to contract the cootie virus but he could still bring some sort of disastrous virus we've never heard of! Or some type of mutating superbug immune to magic!"
>Spike faceclawed with a resounding smack
>"Fine, he could be dangerous. Why don't you just go spy on him like you did with Pinkie that one time-" Oh scat. Why did he just give her that idea? CELESTIA NO WHY
>He looked up just in time to see Violet Pageturner with a surprisingly benign smile on her face... oh wait it was in the middle of transitioning into that one insane grimace he knew all too well.
>Celestia please help Anonymous.
>"That's a wonderful idea, Spike! Not only can I see if he's a trotting biological weapon, I can also understand more of hue-man habits!" She grabs Spike in a soul-crushing embrace and nuzzles his face.
>plshelp
>"You can do what you want for today, Spike, I have SCIENCE to accomplish!" She sets him down gently and with a fizzle of her horn, and sound akin to a retarded firework, she's gone.
>Spike dusts himself off and stands there to collect himself.
>He sicced a magical information-loving nerd on a completely unknown alien.
>It's a shame. It seemed like the two could have been buddies. At least at this rate he won't have any remorse when Anon ends up dissected for his flesh hoof things on his legs.
>Spike then put the poor alien out of his mind and went to collect his things for the day.

>Be Anonymous
>who else would you be?
>You are the only human in Equestria and you feel pretty special
>Ponies gave you looks all the time.
>why wouldn't they?
>You're a goddamn giant compared to them
>well not really, you've got like, what, two feet on the tallest stallion here?
>Whatever the case, you're pretty tall.
"Four... Five... Six..."
>you grunt, pulling your chin over the bar.
>While you were always pretty fit back on Earth, the wonky gravity here have you some perks
> like your pecs.
>like your abs
>like your back
>but man it fucking sucked to go to an all-males university
>you never really ever got to even try to talk to girls
>You always took pride in your chiseled torso, but now, when you looked in the mirror, you saw yourself as the goddamn Situation with better taste
>it's too bad nothing here will actually appreciate it but you.
"Twenty four... Twenty five."
>You drop to the ground with a huff and ducked under the bar to grab a shirt.
>Yes, the pull-up bar is in the closet doorway.
>you pick up a light gray one with a cat being spoonfed some Chex-mix cereal and you pullit over your head.
>You realize that you are reciting things you do in your head.
>You literally thought "I pick up a slight gray shirt"
>why are you doing that?
>It's like telling yourself to breathe manually
>You try to stop but thinking about just makes it happen more.
>Maybe you should go into town..

Spoilers man

>Be Twolat Sperkle
>His house was down this way... Right?
>No, it was a little out of town.. But...  East or westward?
>You scrunch up your face in frustration and plop down on a bench, an annoyed groan rising out of your throat
>Why couldn't he just live in town?
>It's much simpler to keep him under tabs that way, but noOo.
>Mrs. Mayor over here says there are "housing regulations in place" or "our laws don't affect him I think" and "he might eat me in my sleep" or other drivel like that
>Ugh.  Maybe someone kno-
>"Oh hey Twilight!"
"CONVENIENCE IS A VIRTUE!" You scream.
>wait what, why'd you do that?
>You turn towards the now silent voice you heard earlier
>You see a pink shape looking at you with some (more than) slight confusion on its face.
>"Uh, Twilight, are you feeling okay?"
"Yes! Yes, totally fine! HAHAHaha.."
>Backpedaling is stressful.  Yeesh.
>"... Alrighty then!"
>Thank Celestia she doesn't care about that, but back to what I was saying..
"Anyway, speaking of convenience, I was trying to find Anonymous' house.  Do you know where he lives?"
>Pastel Rosa thought for a second
>"Hmm, well, I think he built his house to the eastie-weastie of town. Why?"
"Oh, nothing.  I just need to gather some data on him , is all."
>"Data?"  She looks thoughtful for a moment, and then her leg twitches.
>"Huh?  Just a leg twitch?  That's actually new.  I wonder what it means!"
"So, could you show me where his house is?"
>"Yepperoonie!  I haven't had the chance to plan his Welcome to Ponyville Party yet, so I'll just come with you!
"That sounds great, Pinkie!"

>You eventually find your way to Anonymous' home
>For something built without wings or magic it's quite impressive.
>However it looked very... Bland.
>Mostly made of brick and wood, no magic substances.
>Two floors, wow.
>It had some windows with... Transparent panes?
>If he was going to splurge on window panes why wouldn't he go all the way and make them colored?
>You'll have to record this.
>Quickly magicking out your scroll you make a note, then you stuff it back into the saddlebag.
"So Pinkie, what do you kno-"
>You turn in the direction Pinkie was hopping, but she wasn't there.
"Pinkie?"
>You notice a cotton-candy tail slip inside the front door
>... That's actually a pretty big door. You take note immediately.
>... Oh wait, Pinkie just entered the house.
>SCAT SHE COULD GET INFECTED
"PINKIE WAIT!"
>Immediately you charge inside and skid to a halt just inside the doorframe
>... Interesting decor.
>Like the outside, the living room decorative process was quite drab.
>The only interesting thing was some sort of bench with a pole on it.
>Various black discs were scattered around it, each one stamped with a horseshoe.
>Smithy Stonemason's work, huh?  You'd have to ask about that.
>wait
>what were you doing?
>...
>PINKIE
"Pinkie Pie!  Where are you?"
>"Twilight!  You gotta come see this!" You hear ponk's voice ring out from up the stairs
>You rush up the surprisingly tall stairwell (gotta write that down) and come across Pinkie in the next room.
"Pinkie!  Why did you come in here before me?!  You could have gotten the Coot!  You have to be more caref-"
>Pinkie cuts you off with a hoof.

>"Check this out Twilight!"  Ponks shoves a rectangular object in your vision.
>Hmm.  Smaller than a brick, much thinner, and is encased in a rubbery substance.
>Seems to have a large screen overtaking the center not unlike that traveling "arcade" that came to town a few moons ago
>There are a few protrusions of the rubbery substance and a few indentions
>interesting... (Furiously scribbling)
>"What do you think it is Twilight?"  Pinkie asks, tilting her head slightly.
>Grasping it in lavender aura, you twist it around in the air
>It seems to have a few flaps on it, but pulling on them just seemed to flip them up.
>There appears to be some sort of metal object inside the rubbery stuff!
"Interesting, I can't tell what it's for.  It seems to have no function."
>"Is it magic?"  She asks with a squeak.
"No, Pinkie."  You say with a slight chuckle.
>Why does Anonymous have this if it had no function?
>Maybe these indentions had to do something with it.
>Cautiously, you try to depress the center indention, and then-
>"OOH THAT'S SO COOL IT'S LIKE A PORTABLE LIGHTBULB!"
>Ow.
"Pinkie, could you lower the volume a bit?  Sheesh, I almost lost my hearing!"
>"Okie-dokie-lokie!"  She does that annoying whisper talk thing that, while quieter, is much more grating.
>You'll take what you can get.
>Now back to the device.
>It didn't seem to be any sort of intentional light source, it seemed very dim.
>You could just barely make out something on the arcade-screen
>10:24 AM
"Wait, what?  Is this just some sort of fancy clock?"

>"Sure looks that way Twilight!"  Rosa whisper-yells
>You fold you ears down in annoyance
"Pinkie, could you just not talk for a bit?  Why don't you walk around and check around the house for your party?"
>Pinkie looks a little happier than she just did, which is good, as she doesn't seem to be talking anymore.
>"Hmmm-hmm -hmmm!"
>Ugh, humming.
>at least once she goes to a different are you could finally check around without being interrupted.
>SO, back to the rectangle clock.
>oh?  It went dark again, does it do that if you leave it idle or did you press something?
>Pressing the button turns the screen on again, so it seems to just turn off after being idle.
"Fascinating!"  You say, as you pull out your notes once again.
>You take a look at the screen again.
>Hm, now that you have a better look at it, it seems kinda unwieldy, even for a hue-man.
>The text is white over a white background, so it's quite difficult to read
>Wait
>There's more text
>"slide to unlock"
>Odd.  What were you expected to do here, rub your hoof over the screen?
>You chuckle at the thought.
>...
>...hm.
>Well, that may be a bit hard for a pony, but for a hue-man with those fleshy minotaur-like appendages it wouldn't be a task at all.
>You tentatively press the tip of your hoof to the screen and slide it left.
>HOLY SCAT THE SCREEN CHANGED.
"WOAH.  How does it change so quickly?  What is this technology?  I'll have to ask Anonymous the next time I see him!"
>Scanning the screen for its secrets, you see various... Blocks, across the screen.
>Are all these different functions?!
>This is groundbreaking!

>Let's see here, this one is dubbed "calendar"
>Very intriguing!  It works like a more functional calendar.
>It allows somepony to actually add a timer for when a objective is scheduled!
>Oh what you wouldn't give for something like this.
>Onto the next
"Calculator, huh?  I bet it's pretty simple...  Yeah, pretty regular."
>It seems to function as what a calculator you have now does.
>However it does kinda tell off all those teachers at Celestia's Academy that told you that you'll never just carry around a calculator with you to calculate a tip when they need one.
>You never understood why some some restaurants force customers to pay tips to servers
>Why couldn't they just pay them the correct amount of bits as a server?
>It's a respectable job!
>Shaking those dumb thoughts from your mind, you check the next one
> "Photos"
>Photos?  Like photoGRAPHS?
>No way
>You open the function and are met with a screen that says "Albums"
>Beneath are a series of pictures
>Are you supposed to push these as well?
>You push the "camera roll" album
>Now you are greeted by what seems to be a variety of strange cartoon stills
>Why is does this sad anthropomorphic frog have bowling balls for eyes?
>And why are there various versions of it?
>Maybe it's some sort of human custom.
>Clicking back there seems to be another album that immediately catches your eye
>"My Progress"
"What is this?"  You wonder aloud.
>You click the album and are met with... Oh.  Oh dear.
>Your eyes widen
"I-is that, ANONYMOUS?!"

>Nonononono WHAT
>SEXY
>IS THAT WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE sex
>SCAT SCAT HORSEFEATHERS
>SEXY
>WHY
>WHY CELESTIA WHY SEXY
>PLEASE FUCK ME NOW
>It was true, you were now staring directly at the...  Skin of a half-nekkid Anonymous
>It was..  mesmerizing.
>The way his arms were shaped..
>Those chiseled... Torso muscles..
>.. Oh my Celestia what is this form and why is it so ENTICING.
>you bite your lip for two reasons
>One, you are now conflicted on how to feel about this
>Two, for a less (or perhaps more, depending on opinion) savory reason.
>Wait, what are you going to do about this?
>Should you tell Pinkie?
>"NO HE'S YOURS YOU FOUND HIM" yells one voice.
>"SHOW HER AND HAVE A THREESOME BE THE WHORSE YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BE"
>"You guys are insane.  He's a different species, I'm no-"
>"FUCK MR HUE-MAN HE IS SEXY"
>... And then there's that certain voice telling you to partake in the "dirty stampede"
>and by ALL means do you want to do so
>... Oh wait, it seems a certain hoof already chose which voice to listen to
".. Oah...  Ng.."
>YES HE'S OBVIOUSLY FUCKING ME NOW RUB HARDER
>Of course, he wasn't actually fucking you but damn HOW GREAT WOULD THAT BE?
>After a few moments of fantasy-fucking you don't seem to notice somepony walking up the stairs
>"Twilight!  I know what to do for the party, but I need your opinion on something!"
>SCAT NO SHE CAN'T KNOW
>ABORT FANTASY
>Quickly as a Unicorn can, you toss the pic-brick on the bed and magic up all the... Fluids that have dripped on the floor.
>Wait, where to put it.
>Frantically you search around and then-
>"Twilight what do you think, Red or cherry streamers?
...
>"Twily?  Do you have some food or something?  You have something in your mouth."
>You swallow.

"Uh, no I-I don't."
>"Yeah you did!  You just made a weird sloshy noise and then swallowed!  Can I have some.. Wait a second."
>Rosa gets right in your face and squints real hard
>"HMMM"
>Oh no you're sweating
>She obviously knows you're lying
>"It smells kinda funny in here Twilight."
>Smells?  Like your sweat-
>SHE CAN SMELL YOUR CUM
>"You know what it smells like Twi?"
"U-um i-i-it smells l-like-"
>"IT SMELLS LIKE THE COOTIE VIRUS!  WE HAVE TO GET YOU OUT NOW BEFORE YOU IMPLODE!"
>what
>oh
>OH
"U-uh, yeah!  The brick was infested with it!  I feel weak, Pinkie.. *cough cough*"  you lay down like you're slowly dying
>"DON'T WORRY TWILIGHT I'LL GET YOU OUT!"
>Suddenly you are violently hoisted onto Pinkie's back.
"OW!  I mean ugh, oof, help.."
>And like that, you are deposited outside the Golden Oaks library.
>Wait, WHAT
>"Twilight, get Spike!  He can't get sick!  YOU MUST LIVE!"
>And with that, she sprinted off screaming about the contagion of the end or something
>But WHAT
>HOW DID YOU GET HERE
>Judging by the looks on the few ponies' faces, they were unsure how you got here too.
>Ugh, nevermind
>never question Pinkie Pie
>With a sigh, you pull yourself from the ground and saunter into the library.
>There's a nice spot of floor that looks surprisingly nice to lay on
>Yep, right here.
>You flop onto the floor and groan.
>Your little escapade into Anon's house may have been brief, but that whole experience has drained you.
>To recap, Pinkie somehow... Teleported to your house and left you in the public eye and went ranting about the Coot.
>Well, to be fair that last part was kinda your fault in the first place
>Oh yeah, Anon seems to be clean, otherwise his house would have been overrun with the smell of cooties.
>Also, Pinkie BROKE INTO a house. Not cool
>Also you found a new device with technology far surpassing your world's.
>But the main event here was... Anonymous.
>Oh Celestia that alien was fine.

"Ugh, what am I going to do about this?"
"I can't just forget about this whole thing, how can I forget.. That?!"
>Speaking aloud usually helped you, but Spike generally is there to guide you.
>You stamp the ground in frustration
>This isn't even about friendship!
>Celestia would be disappointed in you for having this problem in the first place!
>It's not as if you can just ask her for help.
>What are you supposed to turn to?
>Spike?
>No way, he'd be absolutely no help..
>Or would he?
>Spike's surprisingly mature about matters, but he's too young to know about this type of thing..
>You'll have to beat around the bush..
>Alright!  Motivation!
>Now is the time to move..
>...
>... Damn, gravity is stronger than you think..
>Oh well, at least you're up and trotting now.
>Making your way to the entrance is more arduous than you remember.
>You open the door and trot out into the square.
>Maybe you just felt cooped up, because it feels much nicer out here.
>Anyway, taking a slow stroll through Ponyville felt relaxing without a real direction.
>Too bad you had direction, the Boutique.
>You can see it in the distance when..
>"Oh, hey Twilight!"
"Oh hi th-eeeeaaaahhh.."  You trail off.
>ANON
>SCAT
"Uh, hi, Anonymous!  H-how has your day been?!"
>He doesn't respond right away.
>"Uh, it's been good, how has yours been, Bookhorse?"
>And there's the nicknames he gives ponies
>You are Bookhorse
>The hopefully sexy librarian
"It's been..  Swell!  J-just swell!  So, um, your.. Mane, looks.. Lush.. Today!"
>LUSH?!
>AAAAAAA
>"Oh, well, thanks, but I just call it my hair."
"OH!  Well of course, silly me, oopsie!  Sorry, I apologize..."
>STOP TALKING NOW YOU IMBECILE
>You're silent for a bit, but you notice him start walking.
>You just keep staring at him
>Some red pony with a white mane and a snowflake on her flank begins to gawk at him from a side-road.
>You STARE THAT BITCH DOWN
>She backs off
>All is well!

"So, uh, what brings you out today, Anonymous?"
>"I just felt a little cooped up in that house of mine.  I really should have built it a bit bigger."
"Really?  That's the reason I came outside today as well!"
>He chuckles
>"Yeah, it feels like a lot of ponies are out today."
>MAKE SMALL TALK
"Maybe they're trying to catch Coot!"
>"What?"
>WHY DID YOU SAY THAT
"You know, cooties!  The deadly virus?  I'm sure you know about it."
>"Um, well on Earth Cooties was a kind of game we had when we were young and still didn't like the opposite sex."
>Huh?
"Really?  That sounds so odd.  Maybe our worlds have more in common."
"You guys wouldn't happen to have some sort of disease called 'Marelaria,' would you?"
>"Uh, actually we do.  It's just called malaria on Earth though."
"How serious is it?"
>"Considering some scientists thought it killed over 50 percent of all humans, EVER, it was pretty serious."
"Huh, interesting."
>He chuckles again.
>"I never thought I'd see the day that I'm comparing diseases with a talking horse."
"Oh, yeah, sorry about that, I'm not exactly sure what I was thinking when I brought that up.."
>YOU WERE THINKING OF DICK THAT'S WHAT
>"Don't worry about it, that type of thing happens to me ALL the time, if you just do it once in a while I'm sure you're fine."
"Yeah, you're right."  You look down in embarrassment.
"So, what brings you to this neck of the woods in the first place?"
>"Well, we made it to where I was going, so you're welcome to follow me for now."
>He opens the door.
>Wait, you know that sound
>IT'S THE FUCKING BOUTIQUE SCAT