Jordan - (2017) TM

One day, a man named Jordan woke up with a sudden crave. This crave could not be quenched. He woke up, rolled out of bed, then said 'holy cow I'm black' and then he walked downstairs as that is the best thing to do in the case of a hurricane. Finally, he found sitting on the table, a photo. This photo was subtitled in comic sans "black man are to sweat" with a picture of a man, that, for some reason, he could only guess that his name was Storm. This photo perplexed Jordan, it invigorated him. Suddenly, he felt a rising sensation in his core. He could not control it. The sensation controlled him, lifting him up, dropping him, and enchanting him with powerful smells and images irresistable even by the most unpersuadable of men. Slowly, he 'just fuckin' walked away' (Burner, April 29th) from the image, slowly feeling the sensation hit him like south to north. He grabbed the the doorknob, gripping it with all his might. He pulled himself towards it, but the sensation kept talking to him. It spoke of warmness, excitement, and magic. The image beat him as a dad would a child; a boxer to his opponent; Joshua to a Castle Crashers Wiki commenter; or Tyler to his penis. Finally, he gave in. His firm grip released, and he approached the table, grabbing the photo, smothering it against his face, indulging in it. He could not stand the pain any longer. Suddenly, a large thump was heard from outside. This was a familar thump, one he had heard many times before. "Mom!" Jordan told himself. He scrambled to the window, peering out, and, much to his dismay, his observations were purified. The thump he heard was indeed the sound of his mother's car door opening, and she was now grabbing her things. Jordan ran to the microwave and placed the image inside. "I'll see you soon, son." Jordan teared, his heart growing in weight. He began to hear his mother's steps now, nearing closer by the moment. He zoomed as fast as he could under the coach and hid there. His Mom opened the door. "Neal?" She shouted. "Jordan? Is anyone home?" A hammer banged Jordan's heart. He could not stand the guilt. He knew what he had done. He knew it was wrong. But he needed to do it, to save his son. Suddenly, the floor beneath him began to shake. The rumbling flooded the house like a lion's roar, encasing the floors and walls with sound like a coat of paint.  Slowly, one by one, the floorboards crumbled, dropping Jordan into a pit of red smoke. Jordan shouted: "MOM?! MOMMY? MOMMY WHERE ARE YOU!? I DIDN'T MEAN IT!! I DON'T WANT THAT LIFE ANYMORE, PLEASE HELP!" But there was no answer. His mom was nowhere to be found, presumably consumed by the abyss of red smoke. All of the sudden, something appeared beneath his feet. It was not air, red smoke, or his own tears, but instead, it was something much more magical. It was a floor. A stone floor, cold and smooth, and, although it was just a normal stone floor, it felt much more special to Jordan. Perhaps it was because it was special... Perhaps it was because Jordan hadn't felt a true floor in 10,000 years... We may never know. Jordan walked forward, and laying his eyes on a beautiful maiden. "Hello Jordan. My Name is Jeany." The Maiden said. Her voice was soft and stratchy, enchanting an ear like sugar on a tongue. It was deep, yet feminine, and sexual. The sensation suddenly returned. "YOU!" Cried a voice. This voice was different than the last, it was high pitched and piercing, sounding like that of a rooster. Suddenly, a large unhumanly figure appeared from the darkness. "THAT IS MY GF!!!!!111ONEONEONE" It was a bull. A large bull, with a very small penis. Jordan could only assume that this bull was alive was due to his small penis, as he was never killed for his testicles to be used in 'Dirty Jobs' (Burner, April 29th), as the testicles had never reached a sufficent size. The bull charged jordan, bitching and moaning every foot of the way. "AND FLAMER THE BULL CHARGES AT JORDAN, BUT HE STILL LACKS A PENIS" Announced the legendary e-sports announcer Gage Bergeron. Gage was fit with a full suit, but he lacked pants, as his penis would not fit inside normal pants. He was surrounded by a flock of beautiful women, all of them deepthroating his microphone. But this did not effect Gage, as his voice was so magnificent and booming he did not need a microphone. Jordan pulled a red blanket out of his ass and through it over Flamer's eyes, blinding him. "OH AND JORDAN MAKES A NICE ATTACK ON FAGGOT- SHIT I MEAN FLAMER." Gage shouts. Flamer, blinded, falls on his feet. He starts to cry and bitch, resulting in his self-implosion. Jeany gets on her hands and knees "OHHH JORDAN THANK YOU" after that she crawls over to Gage and begins to give him a blowjob. "Nice try kid," Gage tells Jordan with a smirk, "But meme size does matter, little bitch." Jordan began to cry. He wanted to enlarge his memes, but he lacked the proper pills. He was distraught, as he missed his son, his parents, and his brother. He began to run, as fast as he could, straight towards the north. He ran so far to the north that he ended up in a place called "Nort H Ko Rea." He didn't know where this place was, but he decided to go meet their leader. This leader had many names, "Kim Jong Tyson", "The Big Leader", or, more commonly known by his friends, "Asshole." He approached Kim Jong Tyson's throne and bowed before him. "Please don't beat me kthx" Jordan announced to Tyson. Tyson looked down. "Who the fuck do you think you are?" Jordan quivered. He didn't know what to do. Tyson drew his finger in a small bowl, with a small swordfish inside. He grabbed the swordfish by the head and crushed it. "His name." Tyson spoke, "Is Haskel." Jordan gulped. "*Was*." Jordan added. Tyson chuckled. "Ha, indeed." Tyson replied. Jordan looked at Tyson. "I need to get home. Do you know how?" Tyson chuckled once more. "The only way to leave my country is by fighting your ass out of here. But the thing is Jordan, you're a pussy, a big fat, saggy pussy." Tyson leaned closer. "You aren't ready for the ringer." Jordan took a deep breath. "Yes I am." Suddenly, Jordan was teleported into a giant arena, with two morbidly obese men wrestling. Gage Bergeron was announcing. "OHHH AND FLYNN MAKES A HIT ON TYLER. OH SHIT BUT TYLER GETS BACK UP! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK" Gage began to moan repeatedly. "DAMN IT BITCH NOT NOW FUCK OFF." Eventually, Tyler's ass got dropped so far into the floor that he penatrated the concrete floor so deep that he entered the pits of hell. "AND NOW, JORDAN VS. FLYNN." Flynn got up, looking like a massive fat fuck, with a small meerkat on his shoulder. "DO YOU LIKE HIM!?!?!" Flynn shouted towards Jordan. "IT'S NAME IS FRANCIS." Jordan charged Flynn, tripped him with a shovel, then shoved it up him. Flynn then self-imploded. "OHHH AND JORDAN LITTERALLY FUCKS UP FLYNN. DAMNNNNNNN OH SHIT BITCH FUCKING HELL JUST BECAUSE I SAID FUCK DOESN'T MEAN-" Jordan then exited Nort H Ko Rea, returning back to the United States. He was walking down the city streets of detroit, until he encountered two white men. Their names, according to them, was Joshua and Will. "YO WE GONNA BEAT YO ASS." Will exclaimed. "YO WE GONNA INTELLECTUALLY BEAT YO ASS" Joshua added. Will reached into his back pocket and released a large sword, and began to slash Jordan with it. "YO FUCK OFF I NEED TO FIND MY SON!" Jordan shouted back, dodging Will's shots. Eventually, Will gave up and attempted to enter hand to hand combat, but then suddenly "a bunch of lights and sounds and shit happened and BAM! Jordan turned into fuckin' sonic." (Burner, April 29th). Jordan ran as fast as he could, all the way back to Nevada, Ohio, his hometown. He swung open his door "MOM?! DAD?!" But there was no answer. All he could see was his older brother Neal weeping on the floor. "They're gone Jordan. Both of them." Jordan fell on the floor. A hammer of depression smashed his heart into an uncountable number of pieces. He had no words. "On the bright side." Neal said, "i beet aicho in cc arena mode 2day as orange night lolo" Jordan looked at Neal. "Fuck off." Suddenly, a Nort H Ko Rea missile was launched. It was a MOAB. It went soaring through the air, until suddenly it hit Nevada. Instead of destroying the entire city, it only seemed to fuck up one person. This person was Neal. Jordan looked down at his exploded brother. "Fuck that kid." And he walked out into the Arabian desert. In the distance, he could see a small cloud of smoke. It was a golf kart. The golf kart approached Jordan quickly, until finally it pulled up. It was a man with a no pants. His penis was being sucked by three woman, and his face was dashing as FUCK. Jordan suddenly decided to become gay. His name was Gage. "Here ya go faggot." Gage said, dropping a microwave on the floor. Jordan dashed towards the microwave and opened it. Inside, he expected to see the face of his son. Instead, he saw a grape. "What the fuck." Jordan said. "Nice job dumb bitch." Gage yelled, "You microwaved your son you fucking stupid asshole. Go fuck yourself." Jordan fell and wept. Gage smirked. "Intelligence can cure ignorance, but it can't cure autism."