Thread 6: Stories 1-15

Thread 6 can be found at:

http://archive.heinessen.com/mlp/thread/S16246841


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>Applejack
“Blueblood”
-Spike-
_____

Applejack sits in her room going over the weeks usual stack of invoices.

>Jus’ what in tarnation is Dash doin’…? One thousand bits spent on… on thongs? Ah can’t be seein’ this right, there’s no way….

“You might not be, you hick peasant, but I am!”

From the darkness of the preposterously high ceiling fell a stallion, one with a dirt-spattered white coat and straggly blonde hair.

Applejack didn’t even so much as look up when he landed on her table causing the piles of paperwork to tremble.

>Blueblood, it’s a pleasure. Heard ya’ll were thrown in jail. Now where in the hay is form 12-B…?

“Ahahaha! No prison yet exists that can hold the likes of true royalty such as myself!”

>Sure there is. There’s that high-security penitentiary in Tartarus, y’all’d sooner lose yer’ sanity than escape. Is that the cake deposit form under yer’ left hoof there? Can Ah get that real quick?

“What you can GET is out of Canterlot and back to the filthy little mudhole you came from! It’s your fault I was dragged off in the first place! Corrupting my poor aunt’s views with your misguided political standing and speaking ill of me behind my back! Does your mudpony treachery know no bounds?”

>Prepare for itemized corrections. One, Ah come from a farm. Two, yer’ bloated lifestyle was sinkin’ not only Canterlot into financial debt but Ponyville as well. Three, yer’ aunt’s lazy, not corrupted, and the move to have y’all imprisoned was strictly hers, not mine. Four, if Ah had something unpleasant to say about ya, Ah’d say it to yer’ face. And five, can ya pass me that invoice yer’ trackin’ mud all over?

“Lies from a commoner and nothing more! I’ve trekked long and hard to make my way back here and I will have my justice!”

>Couldn’t have been that arduous. Y’all were thrown in what could pass as a stallion’s retreat. Less than a mile away from the castle at that.


“Silence! Once I remove your filthy earth pony presence from MY home, everything will fall back into place!”

A golden hue began to encase Blueblood’s horn as he focused his magic.

>Okay, got the cake invoice for this week. Now where’s that other receipt…?

“Prepare yourself, you hick! Prepare to face the wrath of the immaculate Blue-”

Something cold pressed itself to Blueblood’s temple and he stuttered. The light around his horn died instantly as he beheld a small purple dragon standing next to him, pistol in claw.

-You know, it’s funny. For threatening royalty, I could legally blow your head off and not lose a wink of sleep.-

“That mudpony is NOT roy-”

*spinnnnn*

-You’ve got one more chance to insult my princess, Bluey.-

Still not even bothering to look up from her work, Applejack smiled.

>Aww, yer’ princess am Ah, Spike?

-The best, AJ.-

“This is insane! You haven’t seen the last from me, I swear it!”

And Spike watched as Blueblood dramatically dove out the window.

-...he does know we’re about four stories up, right?-

>Based off his high-pitched screams, Ah reckon he does now. Thanks fer’ handlin’ that, Spike.

-Anything for you, AJ.-


_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>AJ 12
"AJ 42"
~~~~~~~~

>Yeah yeah, I know, repor- HOLY CRICKLY CRACKS!

"Crickly cracks?"

>You know, the little flaky pieces of chitin that fall off.

"Ew."

>Besides the point, I just realized! You're a girl!

"...I haven't been wearing my male pheromones for... wow, it feels like forever. And you just not noticed this?"

>Why aren't you dead!?

"Yeah, I don't thing our Majesty's mother brought her up to speed on the whole "Kill all the females" thing."

>B-but you could theoretically usurp her!

"Yeaaah, I don't think the whole 'love you as a daughter thing' is in the cards, to tell you the truth. Even for me, and I think she at least kind of likes me. She's never said anything"

>Wow, so she's never even reacted?

"Actually the opposite, she sent 18 to go seduce Shining Armor. I don't think 18 ever even tried to hide it."

>18's a girl too!? Who else!?

"Two's a girl."

>Who?

"Applejack Two."

>Never met her.

"...You poor bastard."

>What?

"Point is, our Queen didn't get the memo or something, so she doesn't give a damn."

>Cool...

"..."

>...

"...18's in love with Shining Armor."

>DAMN! Wait, what about you?

"I will hurt you."

>Whaaat about Two?

"...So, just, so many ponies, and Changelings, and princesses, and smoke monsters will make you HURT. Don't do it, man. Just don't do it. I say this with as much compassion I can muster for you. Don't do it."

>....Whaaat about-

"Cadence is off limits."

>Who?

"...Never mind."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>SA
"42"
~~~~~~~

>Finally, I think I've got them all sorted-

*DOOR CRUSH!*

>...I need to start laying explosives or something.

"Yyyyooooou!"

>Oh for the love of... How did you get into my wine cellar!? I bricked it up! There is no more door to break into and destroy what little remains of my collection!

"AH FOUND TA WAY!"

>Clearly!

"Shtap changin' za shubjek! Ah' wanna talk' bout YOU!"

>Am I a magical beacon for drunk creatures or something? Seriously, I'm asking, do you see a large glowing light drawing you to me like a moth-pony to the flame? I might need to get that looked out.

"WHY AIN'T YA KICKED ME OUT!?"

>Because you're drunk and I don't want you wandering into a gutter somewhere.

"Nosh now! Alwaysh! We're changalshis! Why do ya' let me shtay in yer' housh, and eat yer' food, an..."

>What? Seriously? You're my friend. Of course you're welcome here.

"...but Ah'm a chagalababias."

>First off, stop trying to say Changeling, it's not going to happen. Second, and you point is?

".....*sniffle*..."

>....please no.

"...*whimper noise*.."

>Ooookaaay, we're getting to the not fun part of these little visits, why don't you just skip right to blarh and then colla-

She tackles him, wrapping her arms around him neck.

>Yaaay. The huggy part.

"Ah' don' deservh a frien' like you, ah' wrecked yer' weddin'!"

>Went off fine, actually.

"Yer' jush... jush ta' bestest pony! Wha' can' they all be Shiny's?"

>Because that would make me getting my library card renewed a real hassle.

"Ah' wish we wash alwaysh frensh. Shen I wouldn't punsh ya' sho mush."

>The punching has actually been really helpful, believe it or not. I am in the best shape of my life.

"Shanks fer' showin' me ah'm no' a bug monsher. I like being a... being a..."

>Blargh?

"...Zzzzzz..."

>Oh hey, we skipped blargh. That's goo-

"HURRRK!"

>Damn it. Fifty points with that one.

"zzz..."

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>Applejack 12
"Applejack"
~~~~~~~~~~

>I hate you.

"Ah' thought it would work!"

>Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate.

"But yer' the perfect helper for her!"

>The instant I remove this large bear trap from my hindquarters, I am going to insist you kiss it.

"Fine! Alright! Sendin' ya' ta' be Darin' Doo's scribe was a bad idea, alright?"

>A giant cat monster tried to eat me. She made quips, Applejack. She QUIPED as it tried to eat me.

"Did ya' at least get a good reference?"

>She called me Rainbow Dash five for the entire trip, I am not joking.

"Good experience?"

>I know where to throat punch a giant blue... whatever the fuck he was. Does that help?

"It helps iffin' ya go inta' throat punchin', Ah' guess?"

>I hate you.

"...Ah' know"

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>AJ2
~~~~~~~

>Marchmalley... we've been the closests of friends for the longest time, ain't we? We've had our ups, our downs... mostly downs, cause I dropped ya' on the floor when I opened the bag. But point is, we've been through a lot together! But, well, I noticed...

...

>No, Marchmalley, I'm not here ta' say I love you. I'm here cause ya' need a talk. You've been looking at me all funny for a while now and it needs to stop! I'm a wild free spirit! Ya' can't hold me down to a single mashmalley! There's lots o' mashmalleys in the bag!

....

>No! Stop makin' this all about poor you! You always do this!

...

>...Marshmalley? Wait, what're you... no, no Marshmalley no! You've still got so much left ta' live for! So many coco cups ta' fill! So many ice creme scoops to sit on! Get away from the fire Marchmalley! You can't live in the fire! Don't do it!

...

>MARSHMALLEY NOOOOO! WHY!? YOU WERE SO YOUNG! I JUS' TOOK YOU OUT OF THE BAG A MINUTE AGO! MARCHMALLLEY WHYYYYYY!?

...

>I-I'll always remember ya' for your soft nature, and yer' bright disposition, Marchmalley. I'll never forget you. I promise.

...

>I know, Marchmalley, I know. Shhhh, it's alright, j-just go towards the light. Go towards the light.

....

>...Goodbye, Marchmalley.

...

>...NOM NOM NOM NOM!

"So are you going to do that every time we go camping?"

>Love's a weird thing, Shiny. Who know where the heart is going ta' lead me?...Oh hey, Mr' candy bar, how you doin'? Wanna meet my buddy Gram Cracker? You'll be the best of friends!

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>Applejack
"Chrysalis"
'Cadence'
-AJ18-
[AJ42]
{AJ2}
~SA~
"'Guard"'
~~~

>Outta my way, I need ta' talk to yer' prince about these streaks on this form he sent me. They best not be what I think they are.

"'Uh, you might want to wait a moment. Or an hour. Or tomorrow, really."'

>Pfft, ain't nothin' he's doin' Ah' ain't seen before.

"'Alright. Just peak before you go in, okay?"'

A little confusing a request, but Applejack supposed there was no harm in complying.

Good thing she did, too. Otherwise everyone would have seen her jaw hit the floor at the sight of everyone crammed onto the couch, watching what looked to be one of the cheesiest films she's ever seen.

"NOOO! Go back! Don't let her go with that guy, he doesn't really love her! Go back and tell her you love heeerererr!"

'You can make it work! Believe in the power of love! BELIEVE IN IT! Or at least stop messing up your hair, rain is terrible for a perm!'

-Who cares if you're from different worlds! LOVE CAN FIND A WAY! IT ALWAYS FINDS A WAY!-

[DON'T TAKE THAT YOU SISSY! HIT HIM! HIT THAT STUPID JOCK IN THE FAAAACE!]

{Her dress is so pretty!}

"Don't let it end like this!"

'...N-no, wait, the music's kicking in!'

-Run to her! RUN BACK TO HER!-

'But not too fast, that hair had to take hours to get right!'

[Go! Go on! GO BACK TO HER! AND HIT HIM!]

{Yaaaay! The happy music is getting louder!}

"Is he..."

'Can he..."

-Will she...-

[Will they...]

{C'mooooon!}

...

-{["'YAAAAAAAAAAAY"']}-

"HE DID IT!"

'HE DIIID IT!'

-I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!-

[RIGHT IN THE FACE!]

{I LIKE THE HAPPY NOISES!}

"S-so beautiful!"

'I'm crying! I'm actually crying!'

-EEEee!-

[His right hook was a little off, but still, beautiful!]

{Yay!}

In the middle of the crying mares, a single white head turns back to look at the shocked Applejack right in the eye. Amidst the sobbing and joy, he somehow manages to be heard over it all.

~Kill... me...~

Very slowly, she closes the door, and decides to never speak of this again.

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>Luna
"Celestia"
~~~~~~~

>Min sister, we have an inquiry!

"Oh, this ought to be good."

>We wish to know why you vetoed our idea to burn Everfree forest to the ground!

"Because it was a dumb idea. Four out of five princesses agree."

>But we worked so hard on it!

"It's a little napkin with scribbles of a burning tree on it."

>It took us much time to get the branches right.

"Luna, no."

>But nearly all of our problems come from there! What good is a massive forest filled to the brim with monstrous crocodiles, hydras, eels, for stars sake the PLANTS try to kill you in there! What good is it?

"Oh, I agree it's terrible, but we can't set fire to it."

>Why!?

"Because then the monsters will walk out of there, and come over here."

>...We see the flaw in our plan.

"Good.

>But perhaps if we-

"You know what? Write it down on this piece of paper, and I'll tell you whether or not to say it."

>...

*Scribble scribble.*

>Here!

"..."

>...

*She rolls up the paper, and thwaps Luna on the nose*

"Bad Luna."

>So is that a no?

"Bad. Bad Luna."

>We are going to take this as a negative.

"Noooo. Bad Luna."
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>Applejack 42
'Various Changelings'
~~~~~~

>ALRIGHT MAGGOTS, IT'S TIME TO-

'We're not maggots!'

>What?

'He's right, we're not. We'd be the thing that comes after.'

'Flies?'

'Do maggots turn into flies?'

'What else would they turn into?'

'Butterflies?'

'Those are worms, idiot!'

>ENOUGH! No more bickering! We are going to get back into our prime fighting force!

'So, you want us all to stand in a tightly packed mob, transform into our opponents and hit things? Sounds good.'

'Yeah, I like this plan.'

>No! That was stupid! We kept hitting each other because we couldn't tell ourselves apart from the real thing!

'But it worked the second time!'

>We didn't do it the second time!

'I did.'

'We know, 39, and it was super embarrassing.'

'HEY! I'm 39! He's not-'

>NO! WE ARE NOT DOING THAT AGAIN!

'Can I wear the helmet?'

>NO!

'Rude!'

'I agree, why are we listening to him again?'

>HER!

'Yes?'

>No, me her.

'Who her?'

'She her, she said.'

'She sounds dumb.'

'I know!'

>....I will kill you all, I swear to my Queen.

'Yeah, where is she?'

'Crying corner?'

'Nope, I was just there.'

>She's on a mission!

'A mission to put out the fire?'

>No, at the Crystal Empire!

'But the fire's over there. Near 21's explosives.'

>... Near who's what now?

'...I think we should run.'

>Actually, everyone? Stay here. And die. Please.

*She leaves*

"...So should we actually-"

*BOOOOM!*

~~~~~~

(They're all fine, but I couldn't see ending this any other way.)
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>Shining
“AJ2”
‘Chrysalis’
~~~~~~~

‘Okay. I can see why she’s here, but me? I’m confused.’

“Hey, mom!”

‘I’m not your mom, kid.’

“But… I came from you, didn’t I?”

‘Well, yeah, but that-’

“Mom!”

Shining put a hoof to Chrysalis’ chest as she made to leap across the table towards the younger, giggling Changeling.

>Settle down, the both you. Now look, this right here is a lesson in proper table etiquette-

‘There you go again making up words!’

“But that is a word, mom!”

‘So help my chitinous rear, if you call me that one more time-’

>AJ2 is right, Chrysalis. Where’s your dictionary? Thought we told you to carry that everywhere?

‘...it got heavy. And it made my head hurt.’

>Celestia, give me strength. Anyway, Chrysalis, it pays to know what utensils you’re actually using. And Two? It’s bad manners to just wolf down whatever lands before you, okay? You have to eat with consideration to those who may be watching, and who have weak stomachs….

‘Oh come on! It was funny as hell when Cadance blew chunks watching Two eat!’

>Not when those chunks flew into my food.

‘That was even funnier!’

“S-sorry….”

>It’s okay, we’re fixing it now. While you learn to eat more… civilized, Chrysalis will learn what utensils she’s using.

‘Hey! I may not know many words but even I know what a spork and foon are!’

>…

“Hahahahaha!”

‘What? What’s funny?’

>...nothing. Alright, Two, I want you to calmly and slowly try to eat-

She glanced up at him with a face covered in syrup and chunks of waffles.

“What’d you say, Shiny?”

>This is going to be a long day.

‘Hey, look! You can play darts with these sharp things!’

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>SA
"Applejack"
~~~~~~

>I swear, if I see one more freaking extension form, I'm going to puke.

*DOOR SLAM!*

"Heeeeeyyyy Shiiiny! Wash you doin?"

>...Nope.

The sturdy crystal wall behind him proved little more than a means to ever so slightly slow him down as he dashed through it, and the wall behind that, and the wall behind that, and off the balcony behind that. The guards didn't so much as inquire what the problem was before he launches himself into the air, and hit the ground running towards Canterlot.

"...A-Ah was jus' kiddin'! Shiny? Shining Armor?... Hoo boy, thissin' is going ta' be hard ta' explain ta' Celestia."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Luna
"Princess Celestia"
~~~~~
>Dear Sister, we have created a new proposal!

"Oh, this should be good for a laugh-"

Gets a genuinely weighty folder shoved in her face.

"Did you... Did you really write all of this?"

>Nonsense! We merely used the copier from the library! The proposal itself is all on the front page.

Celestia looks through some of the pages from back to front. It's hundreds of pages of ancient monsters and horrible beasts, practically an encyclopedia of threats to Equestria and their locations.

The proposal page itself just says 'warn the Element Bearers BEFORE these break free.'

"..."

>So.... Tell us what ye thinks of our proposal! We truly worked hard and feel it's our best ever!

"It's terrible. Absolutely terrible."

>To say as the laymen: aw nuts.

Luna walks off depressed.

Celestia then smiles and scratches Luna's name off the proposal and writes her own.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Applejack
“Luna”
___________

“We have an idea, Jack of apples!”

>No ya don’t. Ya think ya do, but ya really don’t. It’s a common mistake, Luna, thinkin’ one thing when it’s actually the opposite. What ya probably meant to say was ‘we have no idea’.

“No, no, hear us out!”

>Fine. Can’t be any worse than Cadance and her ‘melt all the bits into hoof polish’ idea….

“What if we vote to impeach our sister and get her removed from the throne?”

>Ooookay. Ah’m just gonna come right out and say ‘no’ to this one, but all the same, Ah wanna know why.

“Because dwell on it! With her out of the way… our cake budgets could be extended even farther! Right now, it’s a three way divide, right? But were she to fall out of power, her shares we could split!”

>…

“Tis a good idea, yes? How many yays do we receive?

>So this has nothin’ to do with Equestria’s wellbein’ so much as just gettin' us more snacks….

“But see, thou art blind for we ARE Equestria’s wellbeing. What makes us happy, makes Equestria happy.”

>...good point.

“We thought thou would see it our w-

>Still no.

“Shit.”

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Cadence
"Luna"
'18'
~~~~~~~

>Auntie Luna? What are you doing here?

"We have come to a most brilliant conclusion, niece of my Sister!"

>That means I'm your niece too.

"Please do not imply we are related. For if you are, then we are also of relations to Shining Armor, and we would rather die."

>...O...Kay?

"But to the point, we have come up with a most brilliant use of your crystals!"

>Beside, like, houses? Because we use them for houses. And other stuff.

"Even better! BEHOLD!"

>...What is it?

"Do you not see? Tis a rendition of a device used to harness the very power of the sun into a focused, all encompassing beam!"

>... a death ray. You made a drawing of a death ray.

"Call it what you wish, but you see what we mean!"

>Luna, that's dumb.

"You could also use it to dry your hair, with no loss of volume."

>...So how much would this thing cost-

'No.'

>But Eighteeeen! No loss of volume!"

'NO!'

"Thou art a spoilsport and lacking in vision!"

'Why do you even want to do this? Doesn't this give all the power to your sister?'

"...Drat. Alright, consider it scrapped."

>You sure?

"Yes, she has gotten enough praise as is. To the drawing board!"

*She leaves*

>... So now that she's gone-

'NO!'

>This is why you never get laid!

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>SA
"Changeling"
'Guards'
~~~~~

>...Huh.

'Sorry, Sire, but the thing was causing quite a ruckus.'

>What's that they're holding?

"It's a camera!"

>No, that appears to be a cereal box on a stick.

"...Camera's are expensive."

'They really are, have you seen those rates?'

>What were you doing?

"Trying to get into the castle!"

>Foooor?

"An interview!"

>With... my wife?

"You!"

>Oh! Okay. No yeah, that's fine. Usually you just make appointments, though.

"...Everyone else I tried to do that with tried to set me on fire."

>Ah. Well, I'll forgive it in that case. What's your name?

"Applejack number 10304852!"

>...beg pardon?

"I know, it's kind of silly, but everyone else was naming themselves Applejack, and I didn't want to feel left out."

>Meant the number. Why is it so high? How do you remember that?

"Oh, it's easy, I have this nifty little- Oh, wait, I was wrong, I'm Applejack 10304889."

>I see. You seem to be using one of those little clickers that ponies use to keep track of things for training. You push the little button and the number goes up.

"Yeah?"

>And you keep it in your pocket.

"What's your point?"

>I-ugh... Can I just call you Applejack 10?

"Sure! Can I call you Sally?

>No.

"Darn."

>Why do you want to be a reporter?

"Applejack number Princess says we need to get jobs."

>You know what? Fine. I'll roll with that.

*His horn lights up, and shortly thereafter a camera floats into view*

>Here. Real camera. Better?

"Wow! This is really fancy!"

>Yep. On your way to a Pulitzer, kid.

"Thanks! And thanks for the interview, I'll have it published in no time!"

*She leaves*

>No, wait, you still need to... and they're gone.

'...Soooo....'

>Yes, Thundercrack, whenever they should return, let them back in.

'Just double checking.'

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Cadence
"Chrysalis"
~~~~~~

>Hrmm... pink, extra pink, or maroon that is pretty much pink.... This is hard!

*SLAM!*

"Heeeeyyyy, Caddy!"

>ACK! No! Shiny is down the hall, down the hall I say! Go be drunk at him!

"Noooo, I jush wanna be wi' Caddy!"

>Don't do this to me, I'M NOT GOOD IN STRESSFUL SITUATIONS!

"Caddy, Cadoosh, Cadesebabla, we gosh to talk. Ish about you, an' me. Sherioush talk now, ya lishnen?"

>O-ooookay, what do I do? I don't want to make her mad.

"Ah' like ya'."

>Maybe I should-Wait, what did you just say?

"AH' LIKE YA! Ah' know, rish? I shought ah' wash alwaysh gonna hate ya', caush yer' sha pretty popula girlsh whosh ushually za badguy in mah movies, but yer not sha badguy! Yer sha goodguy!"

>And... this was up for debate? You're the kidnapping bug monster.

Before Cadence could back-peddle out of the way, Chrysalis had already grabbed hold of her in a tight bear hug.

"Poin' ish, afta' all Thish time wit' cha, Ah've gotta say, yer' nice. Yer' a nice pony, and Ah' know why Shiny likes ya. Cause I like ya'."

>Yay? Please stop hugging. Hugging is bad.

"Buh Ah' can't be frensh wish ya'."

>...What?

"Caush someday, Ah' wanna BE ya! Ah' wanna be sha' one Shiny never has shesh with, cept in reversh. Caush he's besh pony. Buh he only lovesh you, so I gotta be you if I wanna be wish besh pony. Then Ah' get to be happy again, jush like before."

>You're drooling on me.

"Buh Ah'm gonna be shad when I do it. Caush you know what? Maybe he lovesh you cause yer besh pony too. Ah' won't say it, but Ah'll miss you."

>I can't tell if this is touching or horrifying.

"I wish we could be real frensh, but mom shaid poniesh hate ush... and she wash right! Sho I gotta get rid o' ya. Shomeday, not today. Today, Ah'm jush gonna hug osher besh pony. Caush Ah' like ya. Kill ya' later"

>Horrifying it is!

"Sho shanks fer....BLAAARH!"

>MY DRESSES! ALL THREE!? YOU HIT ALL THREE!? HOW!?

*THUMP!*

>Chrysalis? CHRYSALIS! You're still holding me! Get...URG GET OFF! CHRYSALIS!

The door opened, allowing Applejack to breifly peer inside.

>APPLEJACK HELP! SHE'S-

*Door slam!*

>....I DIDN'T EAT THAT MANY OF YOUR CAKES! APPLEJACK!?...

"zzz..."

>I have to pee...

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