-------- HARPUA

TREY: Welcome, everyone, welcome! It's new year's even once again here in this beautiful garden. 83 shows later. That's true, of a band that started in 1983, and we're all still here together, so many memories. Utter balls and raccoons and olive loafs and dream piles and hot dog vendors and whales and dolphins and tea kettles and umbrellas and the Vibration of Life. The time machine - and the time machine clearly worked perfectly - because time has now become completely meaningless, utterly meaningless. We look at one long undulating moment and in our collective vision we can see apparitions, like right over there: a mean old man living on the outskirts of town in a rundown shack. And over there: his mangy dog Harpua. And spread out below him is the suburban sprawl. There's a house, there's a window and there's, everything's all perfectly in sync, the fireflies are blinking their lights in sync, the whole universe has become totally in sync and the moon is lined up with the Earth's orbit and the sun, the moon is shining in through the window and in the window there's this boy sitting on his bed. And we've all heard this story so many times for forty years but this time I think if we all really concentrate together, I'm concentrating right now, are you concentrating? It's almost like I can really see him, it's almost like I can see him. He's sitting on his bed, right now, having a peaceful moment. It's Jimmy! And he's petting his beautiful cat - help me out here - Poster Nutbag! Suddenly, across, over there in the sky, storm clouds begin to gather, Jimmy's petting his dog, the old man is over there in your mind's eye. Harpua runs out into the storm. Poster Nutbag gets scared, he leaps out the window [cat meow sound], there's gonna be a fight! Poster Nutbag comes across, they're standing in front of each other, there's lightning, there's thunder, there's horrible sounds, it's gonna be an awful fight. Look! The storm's gone.

... song continues ...

TREY: And suddenly, after forty years, Jimmy finally realizes that his dad has been trying to buy him off with another pet every time Poster Nutbag dies, which is a lot of times and he's had it, that's it! Jimmy asks himself, "where is the nurturing older presence in my life? Preferably, in female form." Beloved actress Annie Golden, what are you doing here?

GRANDMA: That's right, I'm Jimmy's Grandma. Someone has to comfort the boy after forty fucking years. Jimmy, I know you're sad, give Grandma a hug.

TREY: And Jimmy thinks to himself, "My dad is a gaslighting asshole. Why is dad so weird? Why is this town so weird?"

GRANDMA: Jimmy, I know you've lived in this strange and incredible place your whole life, but there's a shit ton about this town that you don't know.

PAGE: Yeah, Grandma, for example the guy who owns Harpua is the same guy who gave Esther the doll.

GRANDMA: That is correct, Page.

FISH: Or the fact that your granddaughter, Jimmy's cousin, Reba, you gave a ladle to because you thought she had interesting cooking and then she starts to make fake meat in the bathtub

GRANDMA: That's right, Jonny. Reba!

MIKE: And I also know that year's ago this dude, Col Forbin showed up and tried to save this place by getting the Helping Friendly Book back from the evil king who stole it!

GRANDMA: But that's not the whole story, Mike.

JIMMY: I'm confused.

TREY: Hey Jimmy, maybe this will help. [Hands record to Jimmy]

GRANDMA: Jimmy, it's time.

-------- TMWSIY

GRANDMA: It's New Year's Eve and I can't let you ring in another new year without knowing The Real Story of Gamehendge!

-------- TMWSIY (CON'T)

TREY: Our story begins in a world out of balance, with a retired colonel on a suburban street on Long Island. Col Forbin looks square in the mirror and dragged the blade across his cold cream skin and thought again about the door. At first he had tried to ignore it, but he soon found that it was impossible, so on this morning, Col Forbin stepped through the door.

-------- LIZARDS

-------- PYITE

GRANDMA: So our hero Col Forbin was in Gamehendge. He heard revolutionaries speaking to king Wilson and a battle waging between good and evil. Off in the distance, he saw a ship approaching with a French Wilson flag. It was the Lezard [French].

TREY: You mean the Lizards, Grandma? I thought they were practically extinct.

GRANDMA: Not the French ones. They came upon an encampment of revolutionaries and their fearsome leader,The Wolf.

THE WOLF: Prepare for battle!

GRANDMA: [Yells something in French with Wolf/Jimmy?]

-------- TELA


GRANDMA: Col Forbin realized how empty his life had been. He'd follow Tela anywhere. So she led him deep into the forest. They walked all night. Tela explained everything about Wilson and the Lizards and the Helping Friendly Book. Rutherford pulled Forbin aside and encouraging him to join the revolution but memories of war crept in. He turned to Tela but in her place was a rebel with a bazooka aimed right at his head!

-------- LLAMA


THE WOLF: You've seen the evil that Wilson brings. And the destruction! (Wilson chant) He must be defeated! (Wilson chant) Who's with me?

WILSON (Guest singer - The Wolf)


GRANDMA: So The Wolf and Forbin set out to find the only man in Gamehendge who could handle the job of eliminating a king: The Sloth.

-------- SLOTH (Alt lyrics..."I'm squeezing that Charmin")

TREY: Well, The Sloth was kinda the slowest gun in the west, so Wilson just walked away and it didn't work. The Sloth, ladies and gentlemen. Anyway, oh where are we here? I guess I'm telling this part of the story. So basically what happens is The Sloth, oh yeah, thank you Mike, so The Sloth tried to kill Wilson, but he was too slow. Wilson walked away and died of old age before the guy got across the stage. He did not die. So at this point in the story, Forbin decides that he is going to go and take the advice of the elder Lizard people from the ancient wisdom people, and he's gonna go off into the woods and try to go to the castle to steal the book for himself from Wilson and bring it back to the people. So he goes deep into the woods and he hears the sounds of the inner woods of Gamehendge - the chants and the beautiful sounds of the woodland people.

-------- DIVIDED SKY

TREY: Well there's still a lot more story to come, isn't there Grandma?

GRANDMA: You know there is!

TREY: Shall we take a fifteen minute break?

Grandma: Take fifteen!

-------- SETBRAK

-------- MCGRUPP

TREY: Hey Grandma, hey Jimmy, welcome back. Grandma, did you enjoy your $22 beer during the break?

GRANDMA: I had two and I got a sweatshirt.

FISH: I can't believe they killed Tela.

TRYE: Fish just said he can't believe they killed Tela.

GRANDMA: Well, Tela was a spy.

TREY: Grandma, _was_ Tela a spy?

GRANDMA: Wasn't she?

TREY: Wasn't she?? I don't really know, do you know, Grandma? I mean, I know, but we're not gonna tell them.

GRANDMA: You're not telling, Trey.

TREY: I'm not telling, Grandma.

GRANDMA: You'd better!

TREY: Well Grandma, I think we should tell everyone the rest of the story, what about you? So Forbin made it to Wilson's castle and he stole the book from him (that was during Divided Sky)

GRANDMA: And he gave it to The Wolf but when The Wolf got the book, she felt a power surge she had never felt before, and she liked it.

TREY: So Forbin knew that there was only one thing left that he could do, right Grandma? There was no other, there was no hope left, except to climb the mountain and find the great and knowledgeable Icculus.

GRANDMA: Our hero!

-------- COL FORBIN

GRANDMA: So the Famous Mockingbird swooped down from the clouds and spread her glorious wings, and flew among the sky, bringing the wisdom of the Helping Friendly Book back to the people. Because, you see, you had it all along!

-------- FAMOUS MOCKINGBIRD

GRANDMA: Good people of Gamehendge, it's time!

TREY: Pretty much.

GRANDMA: Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!

-------- AULD LANG SYNE

TREY: Hey Grandma did I ever tell you to watch out? Cuz the mountain was an active volcano!