candy ramble

It may not look like it now, but those first few months, I had a very hungry mind.

Well, really, every part of me was hungry. I wanted to do. I wanted things to happen. But with no connections and no memories, the libraries and books were the first things to latch onto. Maybe if I learned everything I needed to know from them, I could move on and navigate the world painlessly, finally be free to make this fire in my chest count.

That never panned out, of course. But I don't regret it. What it did free up was an introduction to complex ideas. And thank God for that. I wouldn't have had the patience to suss that shit out with real people.

Moving up the reading levels was easy. Whoever gave their brain to me must have been a sharp one. But to this day, no book sticks with me more than one. It took place in the same kind of place I was born, so the words seemed familiar, as if I could look out any window and see the story in progress. But it was a strange book, where the main character never once showed her face. Still, her actions and presence were felt by every other character, her name constantly at their lips, driving their actions and obsessions. Pushing people to their destruction, or to better themselves, simply by living her own life and making her own choices.

By then, I'd had the sense to know what I was, and that being in the forefront of anything would be dangerous to me. But I would still matter. I would make a difference, wherever I went. It might be for the better, or for worse. But I wouldn't be forgotten.

I took her name, as by that point I didn't already have one. Had to change it a little so it would sound more natural to the time when I lived, and not the archaic period of the book. Candy. Short for Candace. Cute. Sweet. Innocent. So not like me at all. But I hold onto it anyway.

No matter what I do or where I go, I refuse to just fade away.