one last rant, or an admission

Sounds hollow coming from me, but having my ideas supported by others was a dopamine rush. And like a druggie, I focused on the aspect where my sparked joy from getting what I wanted was the only part I sought out, and also I added gambling to the mix. Thing is, a lot of the time I do end up agreeing with others that an ambition I laid out wasn't that good and what we went with was the better choice.

I still do get really depressed when things don't go my way and I have let all of you suffer the feedback of that many times over the years. Recently I've taken to writing in an anger journal, and in that doc I assemble the rants of all rants, detailing my every jimmie my oppressors so ruthlessly rustled when I'm just a little guy, or tear apart the efforts Kato dedicated herself to all because she dared call a character something slightly different from what I suggested, the bitch /s. And then when the rant's been put together, I don't send it. I let it ruminate for a few days, and I give it a read-over.

What I read then gives me thoughts. Such as, "Wow, that's entitled." "Well, I did say he was a shell whose identity was a meme, of course he'd be mad." "Didn't I talk with her about this issue two years ago and accept the outcome then, why do I keep falling into these pits I dig for myself, I need to move on." So yeah, actually putting time and effort into self-reflection is pretty helpful. There were so mans times I could have done a bit more of that. I mean, standing up for myself is one thing, but I have to know myself and what I really want before I go and do that.

Here's something I figured out in that regard, I got pretty much everything I wanted with Android 19. Chiaotzu's doll becomes a robot and Android 19 gets a much longer shelf-life in this story. But our Android 19's journey is so perfect, it's a perfect circle I personally don't wish to add to or explore more for fear of excess popping that bubble.

Basilea on the other hand, pretty much the opposite case. Every zig I put forth, there was a zag. Even the name, her name was Basilisk. But y'know, I don't know if I would be half as invested in this quest if it were any other way, had I got everything I wanted with her, as well as with other things. Frustration is a very powerful motivator to keep up with something. Heck, Sword reminded me that the only reason Basilea exists is because I got butthurt over an argument and wanted to produce something to show I mattered. But despite all my tantrums, I don't matter all that much, and I shouldn't.

I did have Big Plans for those plushies (Android 19 but kitsune twins, babymetal faceclaim long kon) but since this quest is moving out of my sphere of influence, there's no reason it should be weighed down with my wants and grief.

I mean, I will never be able to rebuild any bridges here, nor over there. I don't believe people can change, just get better at hiding aspects of themselves, especially where I'm concerned. So I might as well let what can't be worked on go up in smoke. At least from my end anyway, y'all do y'all.