Soul Eater DUM (Dubiously Unaccustomed Mares)

>Day Something Completely Different on Earth
>Be Anonymous the Weapon Meister
>You are a student at the Death Weapon Meister Academy, a school created by Lord Death himself
>As a gifted human with eccentric flair, you find yourself seamlessly integrated into this strange new world
>Oddly enough, you find yourself in Nevada for all of this
>Queer…
>Regardless, today is the day you meet your weapon partner
>A likewise gifted individual who can transform their own being into a mighty weapon that, when wielded by you, holds the potential to destroy the many enemies of mankind
>Stumbling towards your seat, the bell rings out in the hall to signify the beginning of class
>You look around to see many new faces in the crowd
>Weapon partners, no doubt
>The teacher, a strange sort of man with a giant screw in his head and a number of improbable stitches over his entire wardrobe, begins scrawling something on the blackboard
>”Hey, Anon, check out the pair on that one.”
>A small voice rises up from behind you as a foppish classmate points to a tall, buxom girl sitting off to the side
>”I bet she can turn into a cannon, ‘cause she’s a bombshell.”
>He makes a silly click with his tongue and points his fingers like a gun
>All you can imagine is a poorly constructed doodle in your mind of the scene
>The sound of chalk suddenly dies down and the professor stands motionless
>With a great heave, he throws himself backward and into a small rolling chair
>He spins like a lunatic for a few rotations before coming to face with the class
>”OK, class, today you’ll be paired up with your potential partners. Make friends with each other quickly because the two of you will be spending an extended period of time together from now on.”
>The silly teacher quickly grabs the screw on his head and turns it with an audible click
>”As for you new attendees, my name is, ‘Professor Stein’ and I can answer all your questions after we have you paired off.”
>Role is called in a slow fashion as the seats become a bit crowded with weapons sitting beside their assigned partner
>Shamefully, you were born with no last name and all rosters in school always put you on the very bottom of lists
>If only your parents had more money to give you a proper last name, you lament to yourself
>Professor Stein drags through the list until your name finally rings out
>You quickly raise your hand with all the enthusiasm you can muster and try to look friendly
>Sitting straight up with your hand in the air, the room goes silent for a moment
>Looking around, you notice there are no weapon partners left standing
>Another audible clicking sound can be heard from the Professor’s head
>”Huh, that’s strange, it seems to me that someone…”
>The teacher is quickly cut off as the door bursts open and in floats the Grim Reaper himself
>Standing tall, the tremendous black figure silently crosses the floor
>The stark white mask of a skull hides curious designs of a being outside of time
>The very fear of all that live and the one that so many try to stave off with science and magic
>The Grim Reaper turns to towards the class and raises a massive, white hand
>His fingers spread out into a V shape and a cheery voice begins
>”Hey-o! How’s it hanging? Good to see all these new faces and they look so eager to learn too!”
>Lord Death turns back to Professor Stein and speaks causally
>”Sorry to interrupt you like this, Stein, but I found a new student who got lost on her way to class.”
>With a sweep of his large hand, he beckons the one standing just outside the door
>Stein smirks quickly before looking over his papers
>”I take it that this is… Pas'd-ane?”
>The room stirs a bit and you catch gazes shooting between others
>Without ceremony or pomp, a small pony with a silvery coat, golden mane, and ruby eyes cautiously trots across the floor
>The room is silent, save for the sound of hooves tapping on wooden floors
>”Umm, hello.”
>The pony creature shyly tucks her head to one side and looks towards Professor Stein
>”Yes, good, you will be partnered with Anonymous. He’s up top, with his hand sticking up and the dumbstruck look on his face.”
>At your teacher’s words, you quickly snap to reality and try to sober up
>The little pony proceeds up the stairs at a slightly accelerated pace only to trip and stumble upwards as she reaches your row
>A snicker turns into a chuckle and into utter laughter as the other students mockingly lose themselves to slapstick
>You think for a good moment and decide you will be the bigger man
>Surely, if this pony was chosen to be your partner, you must not be so different
>Actually, you do not know or understand the ranking system for meisters and weapons, but that is not the point!
>Standing before the sobbing thing, you thrust out your arm and open your palm
>Pas'd-ane looks up from beneath her shiny mane and you smile back
“The desk is more comfy than it looks, I promise.”
>With a slight chuckle, the pony wipes away her embarrassment and takes your hand
>The feeling of energy surges through you in a single burst up your spine and directly into your brain
>”Oh, thank you, Anonymous.”
>You do not, -cannot- speak for the moment as the sensation fades away
“Y-yeah, no problem.”
>Pas'd-ane sits uncomfortably at the seat beside your own before smiling and you shake off the shock
>The uninterested voice of Professor Stein rings up to you
>”Anonymous, if you are done pretending to be a statue, I do have a lesson to teach.”
>You quickly find your legs and march to your seat
>Pas'd-ane smiles lightly with you before looking at the desk
>”M-my name’s Pas'd-ane, but everyp0ny back home just calls me Paddy. If t-that’s OK with you?”
“Yes, Paddy sounds fine. I’m Anonymous, but Anon is faster if you prefer?”
>”Oh, Anon, that’s nice.”
>Chalk begins to tap at the blackboard again and you both turn to see what is being written
>A tail carefully swishes back and forth, bumping your side in some unheard rhythm
>This may take some getting used to, you think
>Witches, magic, devouring souls; you could deal with these realities
>Talking, technicolour ponies; now you have seen it all
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>Night of the Living Roommate on Earth
>Be Anonymous
>You walk the cobblestone streets back to your dorm with Paddy in tow
>Rubbing your smooth chin, you contemplate what tomorrow will bring
“So, you’re a weapon, right?”
>”Hmm? Oh, yes.”
“What’s that like?”
>”It’s different.”
>You glance back towards the little pony
“Don’t talk much, do you?”
>You catch a flash of blush on the silvery face of your reluctant partner
“That’s fine, takes all kinds, right?”
>A smile crosses your face as you stroll onward, but the sound of steps following you ends abruptly
>Turning slowly, you see Paddy standing motionless in place
>Her eyes are wide and she seems to be staring into nothingness
“Paddy? Hey, you OK?”
>”S-s-something’s c-coming.”
>You listen closely, but hear nothing
>The sky is fairly serene and the moonlight shines brightly
“What’s coming?”
>A flash of a shadow speeds along the wall
>You have enough time to completely miss anything identifiable about it
>Paddy quickly runs to your side and hides as best she can behind you
“What was that?”
>”I-I don’t know, but it has a big soul.”
>Paddy quivers against your leg and you try your best not to shake
“It’s OK, I’m a meister and you’re my weapon. We’ll handle it.”
>The frightened pony looks up to you with a worried expression
>”I don’t know if I can, I never fought before!”
>You have not either, come to think of it
“Don’t worry, it’ll be fine. We were born to do this, right?”
>Your words do not help Paddy’s resolve
>A shining object gleams for a moment in the distance before speeding past your own face
>You feel something nearly graze your cheek and hear a whizz of air as it passes
>There is a moment of utter stillness as you peer about for your assailant
>The silence breaks with a great roar as a figure jumps high overhead
>”Yahoo!”
“The hell?”
>You look up into the night sky to see a boy with spikey, blue hair and a large grin plastered to his face
>He lands a few feet away from you with a great thud on the hard ground
>”For a meister, you’re pretty slow!”
>His voice is unreasonably loud in the still night
>”I’ve been making my rounds all day, bet you know all about how I’ve been challenging and crushing the new students all night!”
>You raise your eyebrow slightly at this short loudmouth
“I’m sorry, who are you?”
>The simple question causes your assailant to lose any restraints he may have had
>”What?! You don’t know who -I- am? I’m the person who’s going to surpass god! Me! Black☆Star!”
“Well, well, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.”
>You give the red-faced punk a quick smirk in good fun only to be rebutted by a fist to your chest
>The force of such a hit, something you are not wholly used to, sends you sailing back a good two yards and you end up staring at the sky
>Everything rings for the moment and sound is mostly garbled by a sloshing noise in your head
>”Consider -that- my autograph and remember the name!”
>To your credit, you stir from your prone position and cling to balance as best you can
>”What the…? You are the first new kid to stand up after a punch.”
>Black Star looks you over carefully before smiling
>”Can you do it twice?”
>His speed is incredible as he races toward you
>There is no way to defend yourself from such ferocity as another punch connects with your gut
>Again, you end up massively displaced from your original position
>Lying on your back, staring at the wide grin of the moon, you wonder if this is considered “sporting”
>Paddy rushes to your side and stands defiantly before you
>”Why are you doing this!?”
>Black Star stands triumphantly for the moment
>”What? We’re just having a fight?”
>Paddy looks over Black Star again and tenses up a bit
>”Are you a student here?”
>”Of course! The number one student!”
>You hardly pull yourself up and sitting is painful
>A warm, soft thing props you up and your dazed mind imagines it is your partner
“Thanks, Paddy.”
>Pas’d-ane looks over her shoulder to you and your mind registers where you left your body
>A sweet, soft voice pipes up just above your head
>”Oh, I hope you are OK. I have bandages if you are bleeding?”
>You tilt your head straight back to see who is holding you up
>Surprisingly, all you can see is a massive chest blocking the view
>Not the worst obstruction, you think
>Black Star folds his arms and smirks triumphantly
>”Got to admit, you were the toughest new kid.”
>You groan with a half-smile, not sure what the hell is going on
>The pair of breasts above you speaks quickly
>”This is just what he does, I’m sorry. He’s really not such a bad guy once you get to know him, I promise.”
>You agree with the heaving chest before she stands to her feet
>Having a good look now at the rest of her, she is clearly of some Asian persuasion with long, black hair and almost motherly eyes
>”No serious injuries, but you may be sore for a little.”
“Sore. Got it…”
>You turn slowly as your weapon partner rushes up to you
>”Um, Anon, we should be heading to our dorm. I can carry you, maybe?”
>You get the strangest image in your head
“N-no, it’s fine. I can walk.”
>You really try to psych your legs out on that statement, but they are pretty wobbly still
>Luckily, you are not more than a block from your home and manage to get in at the stroke of midnight
>You stagger towards your couch before falling onto it and passing out
>Friendship is rough stuff!
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>Day Exiled Are We Few on Earth
>Be Pas’d-ane
>You awake to a sunshiny morning on the strange realm of Earth in the stranger city of Death
>Despite the name, Death City really is awfully pretty to view
>The streets are well paved, the local creatures are friendly, and the academy is a work of art
>You slowly climb down from your bed and lightly tip-hoof into the living room
>Anon lays prone on the couch as he did last night
>A disturbed sort of snoring rings from his throat, not unlike choking on an apple
>You ignore it for the most part and decide that a good breakfast is in order
>Opening the refrigerator, you find an egg, an open can of some fizzy drink, and enough milk for a very small mouse
>How has Anonymous been living like this?
>You try to think back to your training in Equestria on what the locals usually eat
>Like some of the scarier animals from your home, meat is a staple to the Human diet
>Even so, you see no meat or vegetables or bread to speak of
>Maybe Anonymous is not even a Human and does not eat?
>Without warning, the presence of something large appears behind you
>You let out a shrill scream as something touches your back and nearly jump high enough to land atop of the counter
>”Oh, hey, Paddy. You OK?”
“Ha ha, of course! It’s only you…”
>”Yes, just me. You are a nervous sort, aren’t you?”
>You are certainly not nervous!
>Just extremely cautious… Completely different
>”I am starving, what are you up for this morning?”
“There’s no food here.”
>”Oh?”
>Anon opens the refrigerator and looks about peculiarly
>”Makes sense I guess. Haven’t bought food for like a week.”
>You look at him curiously
>”I know a nice place to get some breakfast if, um, if you eat like… Wait, what do you eat?”
>You bounce your shoulders quickly
“Lots of things. Fruits, veggies, bread, ohh! I would love some pancakes.”
>Anonymous smiles widely for some reason with you
>”Sure thing.”
>In no time at all, you find yourself in a town full of Humans and shops, but mostly Humans
>It is not to say that they are not as colourful as the ponies you remember from back home
>They are, however, taller than you and their long legs from your low angle make it seem like they might step on you
>”Well, here it is.”
>Anon waves his hand through the air as if to announce the building’s arrival
>You step through the doors and are instantly assaulted by the heavenly scent of baked goods
>Your mouth waters as you eye every bit of bread and cake on display
>Placing your order, Anon and you sit at a table by the window and you get a lovely view of the street
>”Pretty nice day today, right?”
“Yes, very lovely.”
>You daydream of lovely days in Ponyville for the while
>Before too long, your food appears and the kindly server offers you more water
>Anonymous leaves no room for manners as he dives into his syrup drenched pancakes
>Like some kind of debased animal, he slobbers food down as if he was starved
>You grimace at his deplorable behaviour before cutting a neat triangle and expertly nibble at it
>”Thish ish good!”
>Anon speaks through a mouthful of food
“Manners, Anonymous!”
>You lose yourself as you raise your voice
>He freezes in place with cheeks puffed wide and swallows quickly
>”Heh, sorry. Guess I got carried away.”
>A sigh slips from your throat and you attempt to apologize
>The feeling of something oppressive suddenly takes hold of you and you are petrified
>”Look, I said I’m sorry.”
“S-something’s wrong.”
>”Well, I suppose I should hold the fork like this…”
>Without warning, a large club tears into the building
>Tables, glass, and a few Humans are thrown by the force, if not smashed outright
>Taking a look, you see a large creature, bipedal and with one eye in the center of its head
>Its thick arms, round body and vagrant green skin tell you this creature probably does not like anyp0ny around here
>”Huh, that’s different.”
>Anon speaks apathetically, as if he had misplaced some trivial item
“What is that? W-what’s happening?”
>”I suppose it’s an ogre… Perhaps a cyclopes?”
“But, what do -we- do?!”
>You frantically speak as the beast lifts its club again and roars
“Hmm, unsure. My first instinct is to kill it, we are students made for battle, after all.”
>You shake your head violently
“Second instinct! Second instinct!”
>”Run?”
>Without so much as a response, you begin dashing from your position
>This is crazy, you think
>The Princess did not say anything like this would happen!
>You never even got to finish your pancakes!
>A large wooden club slams down before you, completely blocking your current escape
>You shriek and whirl back around to Anonymous
>”So, plan A? Fight?”
“I don’t know how!”
>”Me neither, with a weapon, that is. Give it the ol’ academy try?”
>Anon stretches his opened hand out to you
>You look to the mad being in front of you as the beast roars behind you
>With no other perceivable choice, you quickly put your hoof in his palm
>A feeling grips you, warmth or safety
>Your body transforms into a weapon as Anonymous’ soul begins to mingle with your own
>”That’s an interesting feeling. You’re a little heavier than you look.”
>A thunderous sound rings out as the heavy club smashes into the store again
>Anon moves swiftly with speed you are sure is impossible
>”What was that term for starting a duel?”
>Anonymous sprints easily toward the beast and stares it down
>It easily stands eight feet above him and dwarfs you completely
“En garde, but, why…?”
>”En garde!”
>Anonymous lunges with you in his hand toward the behemoth
>All things considering, you feel a surge of courage in you
>Warm ichor spills out of the beast as Anon slices you through the air wildly
>He lands with a ballerina’s grace and smirks
>The showmanship from your partner is definitely enjoyable, but the beast will have none of it
>It swings the club around again and nearly crushes you two
>Anon, however, makes a dive and returns to his assault
>”This is incredible! How are you doing?”
“Fine, I’m actually fine!”
>You chuckle a bit as the feeling of Anonymous’ soul holds tightly to your own
>”We make a good team, yeah?”
>Anon lands from his flurry again and quickly turns to face the monster
>Despite ichor spilling from the beast and a hundred or so cuts, you do not think you are doing any real damage
>”Hmm, you’ve gotten lighter.”
>You are impressed to believe that Anon can be so dense as to not feel your soul against his
“We -are- a good team.”
>”Guess that nutty professor wasn’t wrong. So, his body feels tough. We should go for the throat.”
>You wince at the implications, but you feel mighty in Anon’s hands
>”Just be careful.”
>Anon smirks
>”That’s my middle name.”
>He quickly speeds around to the monster’s back and runs nearly vertically up the spine
>”What do you say when you kill the enemy?”
“What? How should I know?!”
>”You’re the weapon!”
“Why does it matter?!”
>Anon pivots from the monster’s back and dives with you outstretched
>”Style -always- matters!”
>With a whipping sound, you pierce the very neck of the monster and ichor spurts upward
>Anon rests his knee triumphantly on the monster’s spine before pulling you free of the thick muscle
>”Well, I think we…”
>A large hand suddenly reaches up and snags Anon about the waist
>The brute holds him tightly and you feel Anon’s pain as he is squeezed
>With a gasp of air, you feel your two souls begin to separate as Anonymous loses his grip
>You fall to the ground with a metal ringing sound before taking on your living form
“Anonymous!”
>The monster growls in the face of Anon and bares sharp, jagged teeth
>A sudden flash catches your eye and you see a Human standing menacingly on a nearby rooftop
>Two silvery weapons fit neatly in either hand and he points them at the monster
>With a cold silence, two projectiles fire out and hit their mark on the beast’s head
>It shakes for a moment before slumping to the ground
>Anon falls from the monster’s limp fingers and rolls casually into the street
>You race to him and look on at his injuries
>”Hah… Knew we had it… Partner.”
>Anon’s eyes close slowly as he passes out and you hold him closely
>His body is warm and softer than it looks
“Stay with me, Anonymous!”
>Before your eyes, the monster’s body vapourizers and leaves behind a pale purple orb
>The figure that defeated the beast descends on some type of flying skateboard
>He quickly glances over Anonymous and yourself
>”You two must be new.”
“Y-yes, sir.”
>The weapons in his hand begin to speak
>”Oooh~, it’s so cute. Can we keep it, Kid?”
>”No, Patty, can’t you see she is a weapon?”
>”But, I never had a pony…”
“Please, sir, is my meister going to be OK?”
>He looks over to Anonymous again and scrutinizes
>”I think he’ll live. I’ll get the school nurse to attend to his wounds. That was a pretty idiotic attempt to stop a cyclopes at his level.”
>The second gun speaks quickly
>”Kid, we need to take the soul back to Lord Death.”
>”Yes, Father will be very interested in this.”
>Without another word, Kid grasps the soul in his hand and flies off
>You wait with Anonymous a while longer until rescue finally comes
>Looking back towards the destroyed building and broken street, you wonder about a great many things
>If this is life here, you think, did the Princess lie to you?