November 30, 2017

I guess this pastebin is sort of an outlet for me right now? I have a few things that I want to talk about, so read away if you care.

First of all, I know I haven't streamed for a long time, when I meant to stream a lot once I got settled in here at college. Unfortunately, my current situation doesn't leave me with much energy or motivation to stream, because I don't have a lot of free time and my work is pretty rough. I'm really sorry for not streaming, I wish I could because there are some things I would like to do, but I just can't bring myself to.

Now that my stream related stuff is out of the way, time for the IRL stuff. to put it simply; I'm not feeling well at all. I'm living alone for the first time, and my current situation is that I live in a house with 7 other people. I have my own room, so there's no problem there, but I'm not a super social person, so I don't like leaving my room very much. As a result, it's tough to get comfortable at all, really. So I guess that's a factor into why I'm not streaming, but I'll get to the biggest one next.

Now before you tell me that I'm being irrational, let me tell you that I've been thinking about this basically nonstop for the past month and I'm sure how I feel. I entered college for culinary arts, driven by my previous endeavors in cooking, so I was pretty excited for this. However, now that I'm here I've realized that commercial cooking and home cooking are two entirely different things. Every night before bed I have really bad anxiety about going into the kitchen the next day, because I don't know a thing about what I'm supposed to be doing 80% of the time. You might think "well that's the point, you'll learn as you go" but that's not the problem for me. I'm learning a lot of things, yes, but I've come to realize that I'm in the entirely wrong industry. I can't deal with stress, and I'm in basically the most stressful field of all fields. This feels like the hardest choice of my life, but I want to drop out. I want to pursue something I can actually excel in and be comfortable doing. I know it won't be easy, and I'll probably have to go back to the job I hated so much before coming here, but I'm honestly willing to do that. As dumb as it sounds, I do want to go into some sort of computer related studies. I feel like such an idiot, because every time I told people I was going to culinary school, they all said the same thing: "I swear you would be the type of person to do something with computers". It's so obvious to me now, It's always been right in front of me, but I just kept following the career I thought was my dream.

So as a result, I'm under a lot of stress right now, and I want to begin the process of dropping out as soon as I can. Now that I've reflected so hard on this, I don't even want to go to class, but I feel like I should, even though it makes me so anxious I actually panic and can't do anything at least once a day.

I feel like a huge failure right now, and I feel sorry for letting everyone down. I've somewhat become friends with my classmates, but I guess it'll be shortlived, because I can't complete this program.

TLDR: I'm really stressed, my college gives me huge anxiety because I'm doing the wrong thing, and I want to drop out to pursue the IT field.

Thank you for reading if you made it this far, I'll keep you guys updated when things happen.
Cdent