Chaotic Happenstance I

Feb 7th, 2016
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  1. "No... No... no, no, no, hummmm... no..."
  2. >The ethereal plane around you shifted and molded with each snap of your claw
  3. >Many would KILL to have just a little power in this realm where you could change the world at a whim
  4. >And your whims were particularly whimmy today
  5. >You MUST have changed the scenery about a thousand times since breakfast
  6. >One moment you were overlooking a lifeless, volcanic planet
  7. >The next you were watching an epic battle in which sides were using weapons that shattered stars
  8. >Then you were at the beach where strange alien lifeforms were relaxing on the sand
  9. >Your favorite (which was usually your favorite) was a front row seat to dear old Luna's psychiatric visits
  10. >Her doctor always said the SILLIEST things...
  11. >You always chuckled when Blue bottom broke down crying...
  12. >But even that wasn't holding your attention today
  13. >Oddly enough...
  14. >So there you were, lounging in a hammock that was being supported by a pair of rather irate toucans, enjoying an ice cold chocolate milk as you flipped the channels to find something worth watching
  15. >You were Discord, God of Chaos, Change, and Disharmony
  16. >And you were in a mood
  17. >And not in a happy mood or a mood where you wanted to eat too much rocky road ice cream or where you wanted to turn a pony's blood into raspberry jam
  18. >You were just in a... mood
  19. >And what was worse was that your mood had hung over you like a storm cloud since you had awoken this morning
  20. >And you meant that literally; as you wrote this there was a little blue cloud above your head that rumbled threateningly every few moments
  21. >You didn't know why you felt this way
  22. >And because you, a GOD, didn't know something, especially when that something was about your HANNNNDSOME self, you were perplexed
  23. >Very perplexed
  24. >Was the madness finally taking over?
  25. >Had the eons of watching ponies live and die and live again finally gotten to you
  26. >Did you have a hankering for strawberry milk instead of chocolate today?
  27. >...
  28. >...
  30. >...
  31. >Nah
  32. >You didn't even LIKE strawberry...
  33. >After flipping through the seven million six hundred thousand and thirtieth channel on your world television you sighed
  34. "My, my. There's never anything GOOD on anymore..."
  35. >Sucking on your super-hyper-mega bendy straw you drink up the glass and toss the milk over your shoulder
  36. >Snapping your claws you return your home into the swirling, static plane of madness that you knew and loved
  37. >You snapped your claws again and your toucans and hammock disappeared into nothingness, leaving you floating by your own power
  38. >So...
  39. >What to do now...
  40. >What to do now...
  41. >Reaching into your back pocket you pulled out a little light bulb
  42. >You looked it over, cleaning a smug on the glass with your paw, before lifting it over your head
  43. >...Any minute now...
  44. >Annnnnny minute now...
  45. >Frowning, you looked up to see what the fuss was all about
  46. >Oh!
  47. >Silly you!
  48. >Shaking your head with a small smile on your face you flicked the light bulb
  49. >The little blub sputtered a bit before lighting up nice and bright
  51. >It had been ever so long since you had returned to the realm of mortals!
  52. >You could go and amuse yourself with their rambunctious antics
  53. >Or at the very least you could go and RUIN Celestia's day!
  55. >Your smile widened until it left your face as you gently landed onto your yawn
  56. >Alright, it was settled, you were going to bother ponies
  57. >But before that you needed to go through the checklist that you had for leaving your home
  58. >Was your front door and windows locked?
  59. >Nope
  60. >Did you have the shove on?
  62. >Probably
  63. >Did you have all of the lights on in the house?
  64. >Most definitely
  65. >Which meant you were all ready to go!
  66. >Without a second thought (since the first one was all ready to go) you snapped your claw again
  67. >A hole in reality tore open
  68. >Every plane that is and ever was shook
  69. >Planets broke
  70. >Stars died
  71. >Whole races and cultures were swallowed up in dirt and death
  72. >As was the norm every time you teleported
  73. >In less than zero-zero-zero-zero-zero-zero-zero-zero-zero-zero two point five microseconds you materialized inside of Canterlot castle
  74. >Home of the insufferable princesses and their ilk
  75. >Well that's odd...
  76. >Your spell was supposed send you right near--
  77. >"Oh your majesty! I couldn't possibly! Think of what ponies would say!"
  78. >"I believe that they would curse the heavens themselves that they did not manage to woo a stallion such as yourself~"
  79. >Blinking, you looked down to see that you were in some abandoned hallway in the castle
  80. >No... scratch that, you actually had two vict-FRIENDS right in front of you
  81. >There was your "FAVORITE" jailer Celly Belly in the flesh
  82. >Standing right next to her was some noble colt
  83. >You didn't know his name (which was odd since you were supposed to know nearly everything about everything) but you did notice that the first two buttons of his vest were undone
  84. >And he was blushing
  85. >And he was standing a little TOO close to Tubby Tia...
  86. >"Hehe, oh your majesty~"
  87. >Ohhoho!
  88. >Was the "Princess" of the Sun trying to have a little fun with this nobody here?
  89. >Your tail flicked thoughtfully as you watch the two for a moment longer
  90. >Yes...
  91. >That appears to be the case...
  92. >She was going to woo this poor stallion, get her rocks off, and dump him in the street like some unwashed kitten!
  93. >You, being the "reformed" draconequus that you were, couldn't stand to see such injustice happen before you!
  95. >You needed to do something!
  96. >You needed to tell somepony!
  97. >Letters had to be mailed and riots had to be formed!
  98. >Or...
  99. >Grinning menacingly, you floated down until you were just a ferret's length away
  100. >Ohhhh
  101. >What did the kids call it these days?
  102. >Your head morphed so that you had the head of a rooster
  103. >And, somehow managing to contain a giggle, you throw back your head and begin to sing the song of your people
  105. >With a yelp the Baroness of Boredom launched herself into the air with a yelp, her wings flaring out and all four legs kicking
  106. >The stallion, being the more sensible one when it came to being scared by sudden and loud noises, took off down the hallway so fast that his monocle fell right off his face
  107. >Yeeeeesssssss...
  108. >You breathed deeply through your nose, putting your various appendages on your hips just as Celestia came crashing back to earth
  109. >Wait for it...
  110. >Wait for it...
  111. >Wait... for... it...
  112. >Alright
  113. >NOW was a good time to laugh
  114. >Assuming the tried and true position, kneeling over clutching your belly, you laugh and laugh and LAUGH
  115. >Oh this was JUST what you needed!
  116. >After about a hundred chuckles later your laughter had ran its course, allowing you to float back and take stock of things
  117. >It looked like the mystery stallion had disappeared to parts unknown
  118. >And you had a very flustered and VERY irritated Totalitarian Tia trying to murder you with a glare
  119. >Well, the jokes on her
  120. >You can't die!
  121. "Good morning, my positively pompous pachyderm princess!" you chirped, teleporting right beside the alicorn and wrapping a paw around her
  122. >Tia's horn glowed, and with a flash of magic your hand was slapped away
  123. >Ow!
  124. >It looks like SOMEPONY had her Grumpy-O's this morning...
  126. >"What are YOU doing here, Discord?" the angriest little princess asked with a growl
  127. >Letting yourself float down to the ground you smiled at the princess
  128. "What? Can't I just drop by and say hello?" you asked, innocently batting your eyelashes. "So who was the stallion? Not that I care mind you but I heard that small talk--"
  129. >"It's been three months since you reported to me!"
  130. >Your muzzle scrunched up at Celestia's sudden and rather RUDE outburst
  131. "...Pardon?"
  132. >Snorting, the grouchy girl advanced upon you, her lips pulled back into a snarl
  133. >"The reports that you were supposed to send me once a week?"
  134. "..."
  135. >"The ones informing me about all of the good that you've been doing for my kingdom?"
  136. "..."
  137. >"The reports that you PROMISED to send me as a condition for FREEING you!"
  138. >...Well, that's a load of nonsense if you've ever heard it
  139. >You, agreeing to something that you didn't want to do so you wouldn't be a statue anymore?
  140. >Preposterous
  141. >Celly Minnelli here must have finally lost it
  142. >Fortunately for her she was in good company
  143. "...Are you sure that /I/ made sure a promise? It could have been another Discord you know."
  144. >"Discord."
  145. "Why I was out just the other day buying vomit-flavored jelly beans--"
  146. >"Discord."
  147. "--And you should have SEEN the antlers on this gentlemen. I might be pretty well stacked in that department myself but he was reall--"
  148. >"Discord."
  149. "--Even though he didn't look it that guy could really swallow a watermelon when he had the right motivat--"
  150. >"DISCORD!"
  151. >Pausing mid rant you looked at your bestest frenemy
  152. >...Huh
  153. >You don't recall her being on fire a few seconds ago...
  154. >Silly ponies and their high combustibility...
  155. >You opened your mouth to continue your nonsensical tirade when your mouth was magically snapped shut
  157. >Hey!
  158. >Double rude!
  159. >If you didn't know any better you'd have said that Celestia was ANGRY at you
  160. >...Friendship-loving princess your BEHIND...
  161. >"First you managed to RUIN my chance for some easy tail and now you won't stop being... YOU," Celestia said with a shake of her head before she looks at you
  162. >That feeling that you had been feeling all morning can back in full force as you milled over her words
  163. >Tia's expression, as you were doing this, turned from angry to thoughtful as she looked you up and down
  164. >She extinguished the magic in her horn, allowing you to open and close your mouth again
  165. >And she was luck she hadn't waited a moment longer to free your talk-hole
  166. >Because you were just about ready to bring a whole new meaning to the term talking out your as--
  167. >"Discord, remind me, are you or are you not able to transform yourself into whatever form you wish?"
  168. >It didn't take a god to know the look that Celestia was giving you
  169. >Though you, as a rule, generally disliked everything and anything that the alicorn so much as LOOKED at the slightly heated, bedroom-y expression on her face really brought out the stomach wrenching disgust
  170. >...That being said you were going to see where this went
  171. "Well of course I can, my LITTLE pony," you say with your head held high
  172. >Snapping your claws you quickly changed into a variety of forms
  173. >First a dog
  174. >Then a gryphon
  175. >Then a ladybug
  176. >And finally a big hulking steel grey alicorn
  177. >Complete with detachable wings and playset!
  178. >You smiled as the princess bit her lip and discreetly looked around to see if the two of you were the only ones in the hallway
  179. "I can turn into everything and anything you can imagine, my dear LITTLE pony."
  180. >You knew what she was going to suggest next
  181. >Though they thought themselves soooo complex and special mortals were really two dimensional creatures
  182. >So easy to understand
  183. >So easy to toy with
  184. >So easy to break...
  186. >But even so you just stood there with your smile as Celestia walked over to you with wings extended slightly and her hips swaying
  187. >She opened her mouth to say something but you had already teleported beside her, once again as your beautiful self
  188. "Why, did you need some pointers?" you asked flicking her horn. "I'll admit that you wings could stand to be a mite smaller, and let's not even get into that behind of yours, but even with all the things that ponies say about your horn I'd recommend that you keep it."
  189. >Celestia sputtered
  190. >"I'll have you know that large wings are attractive on a ma--"
  191. "LARGE wings are. But you don't HAVE large wings, my LITTLE pony. You have giant, massive, GROTESQUE wings. It's of little wonder why so many ponies think that you used magic to artificially enlarge them."
  192. >"What do ponies--"
  193. "And don't even get me started on all the conspiracies around your horn!"
  194. >Celestia tried to turn so that she could look at you but you had already teleported to her next blind spot
  195. "There's compensating and then there's trying a little TOO hard. It's no wonder stallions just turn and run down random halls when you try to sweet talk them, Celly Belly."
  196. >The princess snapped her head back and forth, this way and that for a few minutes before sighing and looking straight ahead
  197. >Seeing that you fun was over you appeared right smack dab in front of her
  198. >You could see the frustration on her face
  199. >Good
  200. >she DESERVED to be frustrated
  201. >She DESERVED to be disappointed that you weren't going to cave to her "charms" like some half-wit stallion
  202. >You were Discord, the God of Chaos
  203. >You were not helpless
  204. >You were not weak
  205. >You were no PONY
  206. >You did not want things handed to you on a silver platter
  207. >And you most CERTAINLY weren't going to fool around with a mare that you DESPISE more than anything else in this world
  209. >A part of you wanted to scream all of this at the tiny, insignificant mare that thought herself a goddess just because she could move a few balls of gas and not age while doing it
  210. >But you continued to smile even while wrapping a claw around her and nuzzling the side of her head with yours
  211. "Well my dear, though this little visit had been OH SO wonderful I'm afraid that I must be off. I'd like to see how my dear friend Fluttershy has been doing and, funny enough, spending the day suffer--I mean ENJOYING your company doesn't really appeal to me at the moment."
  212. >The look on your face must not have been all that pleasant because ol' Borelestia looked a bit nervous
  213. >"Discord, I don't--"
  214. >Making sure to put a kick me sign of the royal's rump, you teleported in front of Celestia
  215. >The smile on your face diminishes just a hair but you do your best to look jovial
  216. "Toodles."
  217. >With a snap of your claw you were gone, once again traveling through the far-off lands before you appeared in the land of sense and normality
  218. >It looked like you had teleported above a patio filled with chairs and tables that were seated right next to a cafe
  219. >"I'm telling you that that one's a seven tops; and I'm being nice giving him THAT high of a number!"
  220. >Oh?
  221. >Was that the coltish voice of Ponyville's resident rainbow-haired speedster that you hear?
  222. >Floating down you saw Twiolot Farknoerle and four of her cronies all sitting around a table, all of them staring out into the street
  223. >"I'm telling you, Rainbow, Caramel's at least an eight," Ponkia po said, sipping on what appeared to be a milkshake. "I mean look at that flank! I'd let him climb on top of me any day."
  224. >"No, no, Rainbow's right, darling," Commonty said, taking a dainty sip of her tea. "Caramel visited my humble abode just the other week and I may or may not have convinced him to try anal."
  225. >Appul whistled
  226. >"Ya managed ta get that colt ta put it in your rump?"
  227. >Commonty nodded with a little smirk
  229. >"It didn't even take all that much effort to get him to agree to it if I recall correctly."
  230. >Narkle made a face
  231. >"If that's the case Rainbow's right, Pinkie. Any colt that sticks it in your butt is a slut, and no sluts get any more than a seven."
  232. >The other mares nodded at this little bit of "wisdom" just as you floated behind them all
  233. >"Alright, alright, if Caramel's not an eight then who's a ten out there? Time Turner?"
  234. >"Nah. The accent's cute but the teeth are a real turn off.
  235. >"Thunderlane?"
  236. >"If he wasn't such a lazy fat flank maybe."
  237. "What about Discord?" you asked, using Twilight's voice
  238. >While Twiggles looks more than a little confused that her had said something without opening her mouth the girls are thoughtfully humming
  239. >...Before they all burst out laughing
  240. >"Hahahahahaha! Discord? REALLY?!" Rainbow cried, nearly falling out of her seat
  241. >You cross your arms as Twilight looks around and the girls get their seven chuckles
  242. >"Oh... I don't think a stallion like Discord could be considered ten material darling," Rarity said, wiping a tear from her eye
  243. >"But, I didn't say--"
  244. >"If'n ya could even call'em a colt in the first place. What with all them different parts he has."
  245. >"Girls, I really--"
  246. >"YEAH! And Dizzy really doesn't even act like a stallion either! He really--"
  247. "Ahem."
  248. >The girls freeze in place, their heads pointing straight ahead
  249. >After a minute or two Twilight looked over her shoulder to see you looming over their little group with your arms crossed and a half smile on your face
  250. >Her pupils dilating, Twilight nudged the girls on either side of her, who then did the same to the girls next to them, until all five of them were looking at you like you had just caught them with their hooves in the cotton candy machine
  251. >It was almost adorable really
  252. "You know, back in my day, it was considered bad luck to talk about somepony behind their back," you say, idly inspecting your claws
  253. >The girls flinched
  255. >"H-Hey, Discord... we didn't see you there," Twilight said with a nervous giggle, her ears pinned right against her head
  256. "I suppose you didn't," you said, sticking your lip out in a pout. "I mean I make the trip ALL the way out to Ponyville to see my VERY best friends and when I come over to say hello I hear them MOCKING me?"
  257. >Regret quickly replaces their nervousness as they looked at each other
  258. >Finally, Rarity got up out of her seat and took a step toward you
  259. >"Discord, darling, we didn't--"
  260. "And not only did they mock they me they did a VERY poor job of it!"
  261. >Tsking, you started to circle the once again confused girls
  262. "Of course I wouldn't act like a silly old stallion for one, my dear Pinkie. As you can clearly see I'm NOT a STALLION of any kind."
  263. >Applejack opened her mouth to say something but you cut her off
  264. "And Applejack! Shame on you for insinuating that I am in any way ugly!"
  265. >Rainbow twitched when you leaned over and flicked her ear
  266. "I'll have you know that not five minutes ago I was propositioned by Celestia herself."
  267. >Twiolt's eyes bugged out of her head and she nearly fell out of her chair at your proclamation.
  268. >"WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
  269. >Oh, you can already see the letters that this silly purple pony is going to send when you leave!
  270. >Though you did your best to look stern a small smile came to your face
  271. "I practically had to beat her off me with a stick," you said with a nod. "I of course had to say no; I have an image to keep up you understand."
  273. >You were going to have to be a fly on the wall when dear old Snorelestia opened those letters
  274. >Your smile widened just a hair as you looked at you claw
  275. "Say, you girls wouldn't know where Fluttershy is would you ? It has been ever so long since I've seen the dear girl and I'm SURE that she misses me terribly."
  276. >The next few minutes of awkward, disbelieving silence was glorious
  278. >It just tickled you to see your "friends" act like you had just given their teats the twisting of a lifetime
  279. >But somewhere in between the looks and Twilight's hyperventilating you managed to find out that dear, sweet Fluttershy was out getting her animals some pet food
  280. >And since you actually did miss the little yellow furball you bid the girls a good day and made your way to the market to hopefully find her so that you could spend the day together
  281. >Maybe have a cup of tea or some such nonsense
  282. >So, this a pip on your step, you bid the girls farewell and began your search for your little yellow friend
  283. >The townsponies seemed to be particularly brave today it seemed
  284. >Not a single one of them ran away when they saw you and there was only a little screaming!
  285. >All they did was glare and whisper about you when they thought that you were out of earshot as you walked past them
  286. >It looked like you were losing your touch...
  287. >Maybe you should go and cause just a LITTLE mayhem before you leave?
  288. >Show these ponies that the old villain still had it in him?
  289. >As you pondered this you recalled that the pigeons were particularly numerous in Canterlot gardens this time of year
  290. >...Maybe another day
  291. >"And what do you think you're doing there, Flutterbutter?"
  292. >"U-Um, I was just g-getting food for m-my animals."
  293. >"Oh were you now?"
  294. >Was that Fluttershy?...
  295. >Your ears perked up, trying to locate your friend's voice
  296. >Though it took a moment or two you managed to locate the little yellow pegasus
  297. >She was standing near that carrot pony's stall strapped to a wagon that was filled with stacks of pet food
  298. >But she was not alone however
  299. >There were three mares standing around the little darling with cruel smiles on their faces, barring her from moving any further
  300. >The amusement that you had been feeling from Twilinoght and her friends quickly evaporated as you watched one of the mares pushing your friend, nearly knocking her off balance
  302. >"U-Um, excuse m-me but I-I really n-need to get g-go--"
  303. >"You'll get going when I SAY you can get going, Poopershy."
  304. >...Poopershy?
  305. >POOPERSHY?!
  306. >The sun flickered for just a moment and the wind picked up as your eyes narrowed
  307. >Sparks of magic danced across your claw as your lips drew back into a snarl
  308. >You hoped that these mares had gotten everything they wanted out of their pathetic mortal lives
  309. >Because you were--
  310. >"Oi! What the bloody 'ell's goin' on here now?"
  311. >As if he had just appeared out of thin air Ponyville's resident human, a memorable fellow, and possibly one of the two beings that you cared to call a friend, named Anonymous stood right beside the bully that had been pushing around Flutters
  312. >"Is it that time o' the month fer ya, Cloudchaser?"
  313. >Your paw unclenched as you watched him nudged the grey pegasus away with a foot
  314. >Said pegasus snorted loudly, a scowl coming to her face
  315. >"This is none of your concern colt," she said, waving him away dismissively. "Why don't you go and--"
  316. >"Why don't ya fuckin' make me ya wanker?"
  317. >From where you were floating you could see Anonymous grin, his long, white canines flashing in the light
  318. >The bullies took a step backward, their fur puffing up and their ears pinning themselves against their heads
  319. >For a moment it looked like the green man's hulking form alone would be enough to send them packing but suddenly the grey pegasus rallied
  320. >"Why don't you mind your own bucking business, Anon?"
  321. >"Why don't ya piss off ya fuckin' pigeon?"
  322. >"If you don't think I won't hit a stallion you're bucking wrong colt!"
  323. >A look of delight came to the human's face
  324. >"Oh?"
  325. >Grinning, he squatted down so that the two were eye level
  326. >"Yer gonna give me a smackin'?"
  327. >"YES!"
  328. >One of the other mares tried to drag the pegasus away
  329. >"Come on, Cloudy, we don't--"
  330. >"NO! I'm sick of this colt walking around like he bucking owns the place! He needs to learn--omhp!"
  332. >Still smiling, Anon pushed the mare with a hand, nearly knocking her off balance
  333. >"Come on'en. Smack me."
  334. >He pushed her again
  335. >"Smack me ya fuckin'--"
  336. >The sound of a hoof hitting a cheek cut through the market square
  337. >Every single pony within hearing range turned their heads to see Anon, still squatting, with his head slightly to the side
  338. >They also got to watch the look of anger on the bully's face turn into instant regret
  339. >She had just hit a stallion in public
  340. >While you hadn't really bothered to learn silly things like norms and cultures and laws you knew that that was a big no-no
  341. >"Cloudchaser, what the buck did you do?!" one of the bullies hissed, dragging the mare away. "You just--"
  342. >All was quiet as Anon reached up to touch his cheek
  343. >The smile on his face grew and grew and grew,
  344. >His smile grew to an impossible size as he took a deep breath, throwing back his head and starting to laugh
  345. >"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's it? Fuckin' 'ell, no wonder ya gits get yer asses kicked with every bloke that wants ta scrap!"
  346. >Your lips twitched upward as you watched the man laugh long and loud
  347. >The looks of shock on all of the ponies watching was DELICIOUS as Anonymous fell into his back, clutching his sides
  348. >Your eyes snapped back toward the grey pegasus, watching as her face slowly contorted to a look of fury that you had not seen on a pony in a long while
  349. >She was going to try to hit Anonymous again
  350. >You could see it by her body language
  351. >TRY being the key word here
  352. >As the bully pulled a hoof back you lifted up a paw
  353. >That colt that you just hit saved your life, girl
  354. >You better thank your lucky stars for that
  355. >With a snap of your paw the three bullies were gone
  356. >You didn't teleport them to their deaths mind you; you were a reformed draconequus after all
  357. >But you always heard that a trip to the Everfree forest always helped solve ne'er-do-well behavorial issues
  358. >And from what you remembered it was manticore mating season
  360. >So hopefully, if they managed to get out relatively unscathed, they'd come back better mares
  361. >Or not
  362. >You were just doing this for your giggles
  363. >As the crowd looked around for the assaulters you teleported right beside Anon and Fluttershy
  364. >As expected the little yellow pegasus was babying the human to the best of her ability, trying to make the bobo's go away
  365. >"O-Oh my, O-oh my, Anon! D-Don't worry! Just s-stay where you a-are and I'll go and g-get the poince and--1"
  366. >Still giggling, Anon sat up
  367. >"Calm yerself, lass, yer gonna give yerself a fuckin' 'art attack," he said rolling his jaw.
  368. >Turning his head he spat
  369. >"Christ's blood do you wankin' horses hit like a frenchmen. She didn't even cut my fuckin' lip..."
  370. >As fluttershy grabbed his face to do whatever butter-based pegasi did in this situation Anon finally noticed that you were floating in front of him
  371. >"Dizzy! I haven't seen ya in an age ya cunt!" he cried, spreading his arms out wide
  372. >Fluttershy stopped her minor panic attack to look up at you
  373. >"D-Discord? DISCORD! Quick! WeneedtogetAnontothehospitalandthenweneedtocontacttheauth--"
  374. >Reaching up, Anon somehow managed to get a hold of your claw and haul himself back to his feet
  375. >"How's it goin' mate?" he asked, giving you a friendly pat on the back
  376. >You smiled at him before turning to Flutters
  377. "Fluttershy, dear, never you mind about this whole mess. I'll see to it personally that Anonymous here is well looked after."
  378. >Fluttershy's eyes nervously darted to you then Anon and back to you again
  379. >"B-But I should r-really--"
  380. >"Oh don't be lookin' like that, love," Anon said with a dismissive wave. "I'm as right as rain."
  381. >A warmth filled your old, old heart as the little pegasus bit her lip
  382. >"I-If you're sure..."
  383. >With your most disarming smile you reached down and patted her on the head
  384. "I'll have old Anon here all fixed up before you can say sassafras."
  385. >"Sassa--"
  386. >Giving Anonymous a look you snapped your claws
  388. >The bruise and swelling that had started to form on his cheek disappeared, and the dirt that had covered his clothing vanished
  389. "See? As good as new. Now how about I send you home with your cart lickety split?"
  390. >You could see that Fluttershy was thinking HARD of a way to help your extraterrestrially inclined friend over here
  391. >The poor dear had too big of a heart for her own good...
  392. >"...I-If you're positive," she said begrudgingly. "B-But I'd r-really appreciate it i-if you came over s-so I could c-check up on y-you. Anon."
  393. >You quickly nudged Anon, who nodded
  394. >"O' course love. I'll come over tomorrow so ya can give me a look over."
  395. >Nodding, Flutters once again turned her attention toward you
  396. >"O-Okay. You can t-teleport me home n-now, Discord. I mean i-if you want to t-that is..."
  397. >Your smile widened
  398. "Of course dear."
  399. >"T-Thank you."
  400. >What a silly pony...
  401. >With a snap of your claws both Fluttershy and her cart filled with pet food disappeared, leaving you, Anon, and about a hundred or so staring--and in come cases glaring--, whispering ponies
  402. >Though, in your and Anon's case, that was nothing new
  403. >Nothing new at all...
  404. >You look away from the crowd when Anonymous slapped you on the back
  405. >"Thanks fer the help, mate," he said, his green eyes shining in the light. "How 'bout we go an' wet our whistles?"
  406. >The feeling went away as you looked at the lumbering, grinning man
  407. >Though some part of you feels like checking up on Flutter's (to torture that horrid bunny if nothing else) you found yourself not being able to say no to that grinning face
  408. "I'd be delighted, Anon."
  409. >"Right on then! Let's get a fuckin' move on 'en!"
  410. >With that the grinning human all but dragged you toward his house, talking your ear off (don't worry, you managed to find it after some looking) the whole way
  411. >There was something wonderfully eldritch about the way that Anon carried himself
  412. >That slightly unhinged smile
  414. >Those lively green eyes that might have seen just a little too much
  415. >The way that his left hand twitched and reached for something that wasn't at his side whenever the two of you passed a crossroads
  416. >Even the way that he stomped toward his humble abode had this sort of maddening charm to it
  417. >The creature before you was not some stallion
  418. >Or Gryphon or dragon or even alicorn
  419. >This creature, this human was different, OFF, OTHER, STRANGE; and he didn't give a damn about it
  420. >In short he was a man after your own heart
  421. >By the time you and Anon had gotten into his house and the two of you had settled yourselves in the human's giant chairs you had all forgotten all about your feely feelings
  422. >All you were concerned about listening to Anonymous chat about this and that and them and he and her and everything and everyone
  423. >"...Ya should have been that bleedin' farmers face when I came trottin' by with nothin' but a fuckin' smile. Ya'd think I just burned 'er fuckin' farm ta the ground!"
  424. >Both you and Anon erupt into laughter, both of you pounding on the table, knocking cups and bowls off it with your merriment
  425. >"Ahhhh... Ya know that after I did that the ol' purple bitter tried ta stop me from buyin' me drink?"
  426. "Really?" you exclaimed, wiping a tear from your eye
  427. >Anon's smile lessened ever so slightly as he picked up his mug and brought it to his lips, taking a big gulp of his drink of the evening
  428. >"Aye," he said, almost growling. "She said somethin' 'bout stallions not drinkin' so fuckin' much."
  429. "Poppycock," you said, making a glass of chocolate milk in front of you with a snap of a claw. "I for one find that your drinking is perfectly fine. Everypony needs a little something to take off the edge every once in awhile."
  430. >"That's what I fuckin' told 'er!"
  431. >You were about to bring your beverage to your lips when Anonymous stopped you with a hand
  432. >"'ang on mate."
  433. >Reaching into his pocket he pulled out a small silver flask
  435. >Twisting the cap off with his teeth he then proceeded to "irish" up your drink
  436. >"There ya go brav. Now, what the 'ell was I sayin'?"
  437. "Something about Twilight Sparkle if I correctly recall," you say, magicking up yourself a silly straw
  438. >...Bourbon with chocolate milk?
  439. >What an interesting flavor...
  440. >"Aye, the nerve o' that fuckin' cunt! Those fuckin' mares need ta mind their own fuckin' business."
  441. >Ohhh.... if only...
  442. "I'm afraid that your wish is a fruitful one, my friend," you say, taking another sip of your drink . "It's just how the world works here. The birds swim, the fish fly, mares go out of their way to baby stallions and villainize your's truly..."
  443. >Snorting, Anonymous slammed his drink onto his table
  444. >"What a fuckin' world this is eh?"
  445. "That it is," you quietly agree, looking down at your drink. "For as long as I could remember its been this way, and for even longer than that I've felt... what's the word?
  446. >"Outta the plans?"
  447. "...Yes... something like that..."
  448. >Though you didn't realize it you slumped down a little bit into your chair
  449. >You don't know why but that feely feeling once again surfaced
  450. >You were really going to have to look into the ol' chassis to see what that was about...
  451. "Outta the plans, out of place... different... Almost as if I wasn't meant for a world like this..."
  452. >The events that happened with Celestia and the goon squad came to your mind unabated
  453. "...If'n ya could even call'em a colt in the first place. What with all them different parts he has..."
  454. "...YEAH! And Dizzy really doesn't even act like a stallion either!..."
  455. >Before you could let the thought linger any longer a hand clasped your shoulder, giving it a slightly too hard squeeze
  456. >Looking up from your drink you saw Anonymous staring at you fiercely, his mug in hand
  458. >"An' so fuckin' what? 'Ho an' the 'ell needs ta be part o' the fucking plan?" he demanded, slamming the mug against his chest, sending beer everywhere. "An' 'course yer not in the fuckin' plan ya fuckin' frankenstein! Yer a daemon spawned from the pit o' darkness."
  459. >...Anonymous was going to have to work on his pep talk just a little bit
  460. >Though you appreciate the effort
  461. >You opened your mouth to say so but a hand slapped your chest, very nearly knocking the wind out of you
  462. >"An' ya might be a daemon but yer the fucking nicest one I've fuckin' met that's fer fuckin' sure."
  463. >The ends of your mouth twitched as Anonymous took another big gulp of his drink
  464. >"An' look at me! I'm a fuckin' giant ape in a land of fuckin' nobberin' midget horses! I'm as outta the plans as yer scaley arse is!"
  465. >Sitting back into his chair, Anonymous looked at you with narrowed eyes
  466. >"Ya think I'm gonna let them horses put a fuckin' bra on me boys just ta fit in? The 'eaven's will split open an' the almighty 'ill slap me with his cock 'fore that fuckin' happens. Fuck that fuckin' plan right up it's fuckin' arse I say!"
  467. >For some reason (because let's be honest that was still awful) you were smiling once again as your friend took another drink from his mug
  468. >"I'd rather be a bleedin' misfit before bein' a sad cunt like that!"
  469. >He growled in his mug
  470. >"An' I sure as 'ell ain't bein' no fuck boy ta a couple o' mares just 'cause they want me cock..."
  471. >Oh?
  472. >Was the little human being bothered by the big, bad mares that wanted a taste of something exotic?
  473. >You couldn't help but giggle at the thought of Anonymous joining a herd, cooking and cleaning and knitting onesies
  474. >...
  475. >...
  476. >...
  477. >...Idea~!
  479. "Oh... I don't know about that," you say, pushing your chocolate bourbon away. "It might be nice to be a part of the plan every once in awhile..."
  480. >Anonymous's face scrunched up
  481. >"What the fuck are ya on about?"
  482. >Setting your elbows on the table you rested you head on your hands
  483. "Just think about it, Anonymous. No more glaring, no more angry princesses; just sitting back and enjoying life as it's meant to be lived."
  484. >You hummed thoughtfully
  485. "Though, to be honest, the life of a regular stallion doesn't seem all that appealing to moi."
  486. >Snapping your claw you settled back as your body began to shift and change
  487. >Your body became smaller, more lithe
  488. >Your face became more delicate and feminine
  489. >Your mane grew longer and two breasts grew on your chest and began to grow
  490. >In no time at all you had transformed from Discord the God of Chaos to...
  491. >Name...
  492. >Name...
  493. >What would your name be?...
  494. >Oh! You got it!
  495. >Eris
  496. >That sounds like a WONDERFUL name for Chaos's newest GODDESS
  497. >Now grinning hugely you floated out of your chair and toward your friend as he stared at you with a raised eyebrow
  498. "Yes... I think I'd be more inclined to the life of a mare I feel."
  499. >With a girly giggle you sit in Anonymous's lap, your tail coiling around the human
  500. >Purring, you wrapped your slender arms around Anon's neck, very nearly pushing his face into your brand new chest
  501. >With a snap of your claws Anon's mug left his hand
  502. >You didn't need him distracted
  503. >He had more important things to worry about at the moment
  504. "How about it, Anon? Would you like to spend the rest of your life with this old mare going through daily life just like everypony else?"
  505. >You wiggled back and forth, your breast jiggling every so slightly
  506. "Waking up together in bed, our limbs intertwined, your face in these puppies?"
  507. >Pulling away you lean down so that your noses were almost touching
  509. "You could help me explore every inch of this new body and I'd be able to keep all of those mean, dirty mares off of your back."
  510. >You leaned forward just a hair, rubbing your noses together
  511. "The two misfits could be together forever and after. Holding and hugging and doing all of those silly things that couples do."
  512. >If Anonymous was disturbed or shocked or angry with your "proposition" he didn't show it
  513. >He just continued to stare at you with his mouth set in a thin line
  514. >Leaning forward once again you pressed your forehead against his
  515. "What do you say, lover boy~?"
  516. >It was at that moment that Anonymous chose to let loose the mouthful of beer that he had been holding in his mouth
  517. >You reeled back with a help as it hit you in the face, forcing you to grab both of Anon's shoulders so you didn't just fall off the chair
  518. "Blech!" you cried, shaking the beer off of you like a wet dog. "Blech I say!"
  519. >Cleaning your face you cracked open an eye to see Anonymous staring back at you with a bitten lip
  520. >You opened you mouth to say something but a giggle-snort came out instead
  521. >A laugh nearly escaped Anonymous as he looked into your red eyes
  522. >You could still feel the beer running down your face
  523. >You new mane was soaked and you could taste some of the beer as it traveled near the corners of your lips
  524. "..."
  525. >"..."
  526. "..."
  527. >"..."
  530. >As one both you and Anon absolutely LOST it, throwing your heads back and laughing like there was no tomorrow
  531. >And every time that you had nearly calmed yourself you'd catch Anon's eye or he'd catch your's and the two of you would start all over again
  532. >It was wonderful
  533. >You could feel your heart soaring with each laugh, each time you slapped Anon on the back due to sheer jovialness, and each giggle
  534. >...
  535. >Eventually that two of you had calmed down enough so that you'd just quietly giggle every once in awhile
  537. >You had your head laying on Anonymous's shoulder and the man had his head resting on one of your breast
  538. >Not in a sexual way or anything like that
  539. >Just in a way that... friend's did...
  540. >You'd have still teased him about it but you were enjoying that sensation of laughing too hard for too long
  541. >Humming, you closed your eyes, your tail flicking back and forth in contentment
  542. >"We're a couple of misfits..."
  543. >Your smile grew once again
  544. "We're a couple of misfits..."
  545. >"What's the matter with misfits?"
  546. >Reaching down you grabbed the human, your friend's, hand, giving it a squeezed
  547. >Almost instantly he squeeze back
  548. "That's where we fit in..."
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