Yugioh Abridged Pilot - LinkedIn Speech

(Intro)

YAMI: Yu-Gi-Oh! was filmed before a live studio audience.

(School)

YUGI: Hey Joey! Earth to Joey! Hey, are you in there? It's your move!

JOEY: Sorry, Yug, doing this Brooklyn accent makes it difficult to concentrate on card games.

TRISTAN: I know what you mean, my voice is pretty crazy too! I'm thinking about changing it.

YUGI: By the way, my grandpa has a super rare card.

TRISTAN: Groovy!

JOEY: Hey, bada-bing!

KAIBA: (thinking) Rare card? That sounds vague enough to be the Blue-Eyes White Dragon. And since I'm a child billionaire in charge of a huge gaming company, I obviously have nothing better to do than go check it out.

(Title sequence [redux only])

(Game shop)

YUGI: Hey Gramps, can we please see your super-rare-awesome-chocolaty-fudge-coated-mega-super-card?

GRANDPA: I don't see why not. Here it is, the Blue-Eyes White Dragon. (holds up the card)

JOEY: That's the least threatening name for a monster I've ever heard. What kind of mook could want a card like that?

KAIBA: (pushes the others aside) I'm here for your Blue-Eyes, old man, and I won't take "no" for an answer! Now give it to me!

GRANDPA: No!

KAIBA: Curses, foiled again! I'm going to go hire some thugs to kidnap you now. I'm a billionaire, so nobody will even think about pressing charges. (leaves)

GRANDPA: That Kaiba kid needs to get laid.

TRISTAN: Big time!

(Later)

YUGI: (on the phone) Hello, Game shop!

KAIBA: (on the phone) I kidnapped your grandpa, Yugi, and then I dueled him into submission. So could you get over here and call an ambulance for him? I have far too much money to be expected to do it myself. (hangs up)

YUGI: Wait, who is this?

(Kaiba's Duel Arena)

YUGI: (runs over to injured Grandpa) Grandpa! Are you okay?

GRANDPA: For some reason, playing a card game has caused me to become severely injured.

KAIBA: That's right! And now, watch this! (tears Blue-Eyes card in half)

YUGI: Grandpa's special super-rare-awesome-super-card!

JOEY: What the heck did you do that for?

KAIBA: So that it could never be used against me!

YUGI: In that case, why not just tear up every card in the whole world?

KAIBA: (quickly) Shut up and duel me!

YUGI: Don't worry, Gramps, I'll win this duel with your deck!

GRANDPA: W-Wait a minute! I've been injured, so you're going to steal my deck and go play cards with your arch rival?

YUGI: (takes Grandpa's deck) Pretty much.

GRANDPA: No wonder your parents are never around!

TÉA: (holding a marker) Gather round everyone, and I'll mark us with a special sign! (draws a smiley face on her, Yugi's, Joey's, and Tristan's hands)

JOEY: Uh, Téa, hey, not for nothing but...ain't this permanent marker?

TÉA: Oh... Whoops!

JOEY: Why were you even carrying that thing around in the first place?

TÉA: I'm a kleptomaniac, I stole it from school.

TRISTAN: Hey, my wallet's missing!

TÉA: (points to Kaiba) Kaiba took it!

YAMI: It's time to duel!

KAIBA: Wait, did your testicles just drop in the last five seconds or something? What the heck happened to your voice?

(A hologram of Hitotsu-Me Giant appears in the middle of the duel field)

YAMI: Holy Ra, real monsters!

KAIBA: Actually, they're just super-advanced holograms created for the sole purpose of enriching the experience of a children's card game!

YAMI: Okay, seriously, you've got to be [bleep]ing kidding me. Who wastes all their money on something like that?

KAIBA: The guy who's going to beat your pasty pharaoh butt with three Blue-Eyes White Dragons, that's who! (summons three Blue-Eyes White Dragons)

YAMI: Wait a minute, did you just summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?

KAIBA: Yeah, so?

YAMI: That's against the rules, isn't it?

KAIBA: Screw the rules, I have money! Now draw your last pathetic card, Yugi, so I can finish you!

YAMI: My Grandpa's deck has no pathetic cards, Kaiba. Except maybe for Kuriboh... but it also has this! (holds up Exodia the Forbidden One card) The unstoppable Exodia!

KAIBA: Aah! Exodia! It's not possible! Nobody's ever been able to summon him!

YAMI: Really? Is that because it's so rare?

KAIBA: No, it's because this game makes no sense. Nobody could figure out how to do it.

YAMI: Nobody except me! Exodia, obliterate!

(Exodia destroys Blue-Eyes White Dragons)

MOKUBA: Big brother, is it time for my cameo yet?

KAIBA: How... How could you summon Exodia?

YAMI: Kaiba, if you really wish to know...then talk to the hand! (mind-crushes Kaiba)

KAIBA: Aaaaahhh! (faints)

(Hospital)

GRANDPA: (wakes up) I wet myself.

(Pegasus's Castle)

HENCHMAN: Mr. Pegasus, sir, it seems the reigning Duel Monsters champion has been defeated by someone named Yugi. Also, it's time for your sponge bath.

PEGASUS: Mmm...

(End; Redux version only: "I'm Back!" (Kaiba Theme) plays)

CAPTIONS:
[ever feel like you're
experiencing deja vu?]

[well at least I didn't make greedo shoot first]

(Stinger)

YUGI: (with Master Shake's voice) Hey hey, fun time! Goofin' off Martian style, wakka wakka!

(Post-ending: Redux version only)

YAMI: Wait a minute, did you just summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?

KAIBA: Yeah, so?

YAMI: That's against the rules, isn't it?

KAIBA: Yes it is. (giggles)