Dank Sandys – S01E03: “Talent”

The episode opens with an advertisement for 'Dank Sandy's presents: Spectacular Displays of Talent'.

Come on in to my house!

This scene ends close to the front of the bar.  The next scene is the intro scene, EDDIE is playing the theme song on the guitar.  When the song ends and the title is displayed.  There will be light clapping of hands.  Then the scene will be on the bar, where TJ and BENNY are sitting looking toward the stage and the lights are low...EDDIE sits down next to TJ.

TJ: [as the lights are coming up, looks to EDDIE] “well, that was pretty gay....[EDDIE looks confused, TJ turns to BENNY, as if finishing a conversation]..so the restaurant was completely destroyed..then what happened?”

BENNY: “well, apparently it was in writing that the insurance policy covered Music Nerd Invasion...so a couple days later I get a call from my boss and he's all like, 'do you know how to mix drinks...blah blah talent show we're opening a bar.'”

TJ: “Wait, so who is your boss...who's the joker that owns this place? [ominous music]

[BENNY looks tense]

EDDIE: [cutting through the awkwardness] “gay? Gay is played out. And by the way. I worked really hard on those songs.”

TJ: “No.  If you had worked hard on those songs, they would have had words.  Furthermore, the first  hour of your performance was just you, on stage, crying...

----------this section takes place almost mid-TJ-sentence, like a real fast affirmation--------------

[Cut/Pan to BENNY, who is watching a surveillance type recording of the beginning of EDDIE crying on stage]

BENNY: “It's true.”

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TJ: [proud to tell this punch line] ”...Yeah, I'd say we were the ones who worked hard.” *silence due to a bad joke* [EDDIE looks at BENNY who is shaking his head and mouths “i dont know”]

EDDIE: “Whatever...you guys just don't appreciate the arts.” (he says 'the arts' like its a five dollar word [if you know what I mean]) [TJ and BENNY look at each other as if they feel awkward] “So, can we get some drinks?”

BENNY: [relieved] “Yeah. Good Idea.” (maybe show benny in a different pose here, like with a towel and a tumbler)



[The door to the bar slams open as lightning strikes and rain can be heard...BLACKIE MCGREGGORY steps in and the camera loses focus on EDDIE TJ and BENNY, and slides up to BLACKIE by the door, or something dramatic]

(BLACKIE talks with a scottish accent, and as if he is acting in a shakespearian drama)

BLACKIE: [the camera will travel fast up to him and stop when it shows he is standing at the top of the staircaise, as soon as it stops, he starts talking] “Nice place you've got here BENNY...not too shabby, if I do say so myself.”

BENNY: “Well...thanks, but how do you...” [he is startled to see BLACKIE directly in front of him, and at the bar] “know...m-my...name.”

BLACKIE: “Not important, what is important...[to EDDIE] oh, how do you do, Miss...is that I am HERE” [pauses long enough for someone else to start talking, just as TJ is about to say something]...”To announce my intentions to win, YES TO WIN!.. your competition [points to the flyer].”

BENNY: “Oh, its just a talent sh-”

BLACKIE: “I possess superior skills in the arts, you see. [says it just like EDDIE]  And any man that stands my way... any simpleton that does not believe in me... any fool who would hinder my triumph... [he is trying to think of more descriptions] any... body... which... gives trouble... to me..”

TJ: “Who is that guy?” [points to maybe the sad man]

BLACKIE: “Oh, that joker, he is my concierge, Remington....say hello Remington”

REMINGTON: “Hel-”

BLACKIE: “ENOUGH...Now, I must go and prepare...     REMINGTOOONNN...” *claps twice* “...hey is that a juke box?” [they both hurry off]

EDDIE: [Kind of smiling watching them leave] “Wow, that guy was pretty neat, huh? And how about that little man of his?”

TJ: [deliberately] “Benny...put my name on that list...that man is my new arch rival.”

BENNY: [signing names on a list] “Well shit...today was the last day, and now that people actually signed up, we have to HAVE this talent show...which wasn't even supposed to be a competition.”

EDDIE: “Wait, I signed up last week! You told me you put my name on there Benny.”

TJ: “This Blackie character is going to find out what a foolish, simple, and manly-body is capable of.”

EDDIE: “Now...was that gay?” (maybe he says it, or maybe he just looks confused at TJ...)

Mick and Tennis (this scene will have less information in it once it is completed)

[we join mickey and tennis at a table in the bar mid-conversation]

Mickey: ...but its because I am so into morrissey right now, I would suck anyone off who got in my WAY...like as I am pushing through crowds

Tennis: I'm just saying, that makes no sense...even if you DID get in to his show,  there has got to be what, a thousand people in between you and him.  AND blowjobs cannot be used as punishment...I mean, for you maybe.  I mean I just think the blowjobs are the bad part of the plan.(Mickey starts talking over this line)

Mickey: no... its not,   And my immediate need to romance an 80's music legend is probably not your business anyhow...hey wait, get a load of this joker.  [a camera angle showing blackie at the jukebox, with mick and tennis in the background at a table] ...is he actually going to use that juke?  who the hell uses jukeboxes anymore?  Maybe they still use them in stonehenge, or wherever his british-ass came from...

Tennis: maybe he is a time traveler.  Like [picks a not well known time traveler]

Mickey: wait, you pick HIM as your time traveler example?  You have thousands of fictional time travelers at your disposal, and HE is the one you go with?...[focuses back on blackie].



Look at him taking his time, he's probably looking for something by u2 or MC Hammer...no mc hammer is  irish right? [Tennis can be heard clearly saying “No..Oakland”]...this burke is pathetic...look...wait is he taking his shirt off?

Tennis: [time traveler’s name]loved to refurbish old jukeboxes in his spare time. [still thinking about the time traveler rambles off some stuff about his validity in the moment...i was thinking of making a quantum leap reference...but nothing really comes to mind]

Mickey: oh look, he's finally decided...let's get out of here before this gets even more...

[a morrissey song comes on and he is stopped mid-sentance]

Tennis: hol-y shit.

Mickey: I know

Tennis: so does he technically count as someone that you have to blow?

Mickey: This feels great man.  I'm going use this money to play more music.

Tennis: well...yeah...that makes sense.



TJ and EDDIE back at the apartment.

TJ: “I have no idea what I am going to do...the talent show is tomorrow morning and I've got nothing.”

EDDIE: “Its in the morning?”

TJ: “Yeah I thought that was weird too...”

EDDIE: “Well, when I told Benny to sign me up I rented this video called “How to win at a talent show” [shows VHS tape] but I have not watched it yet...maybe we should give it a try.”

TJ: “That sounds good, put it on in there.”

TAPE of K Lawrence Snow

Dating 101


SNOW:  So you think you’ve gotten all you can out of life, huh?  You’ve got a job, and a place to live, and even a friend or two, right?  I’ll bet you wonder what else can life even offer you that you don’t already have.  Well, listen up babies, I know what you’re missing.  You need a lover.

Title Screen:
DATING 101: Getting Laid

SNOW:  In this chapter of the DATING 101 series, I’ll be sharing some of the secrets I’ve learned on how to finally get those women to lay you, straight up.  But don’t get TOO excited just yet, first thing’s first…


WHAT IS IT?

SNOW: Getting Laid is just what it sounds like.  It’s as simple as that.

HOW DO YOU DO IT?

SNOW: Here’s where it gets a little more complicated.  You MIGHT want to get out a pen and paper for this next bit.  Are you ready?

STEP 1: Find your woman

SNOW: Women can be found anywhere, but unfortunately most women have either already been used up or are simply lesbians.  [Flash across the screen] DATING TIP: Avoid lesbians!
[without pausing] There are however, certain places where you can find true women reliably.


STEP 2: Approach your woman

SNOW: Once you’ve located a fine baby, you’ll want to make sure you approach her right away.  Remember to stand close to her so she’ll know you’re interested.  [Flashes across screen] DATING TIP: Just ask her name!
SNOW: Women are very devious, and will sometimes try and confuse you.  It is important to verify any information you get from her.  Ask to see an ID to verify her name or a paystub to verify her employment status.  Always speak in a calm and businesslike way so that she will obey your requests.  Remember to listen for any clues that your woman might secretly be a lesbian.

STEP 3: Get your woman’s number

All women have phones.  Feel free to skip this step if you want, but keep in mind that if you don’t get your woman’s phone number, you wont be able to keep tabs on her or continue to contact her over the long term. [flashes across screen] DATING TIP: Skip this step?
SNOW: When getting your woman’s number, remember to avoid phrasing it as a question.  Instead, simply demand her number and she will gladly give it to you.  If she does not, she is probably a lesbian.  Once you get her “digits”, you aren’t in the clear just yet.  She MIGHT only be pretending to be a real woman, when in fact she is a lesbian.  Don’t panic though, because now that you have her name and number, you can do a background check online!  For your convenience, here are some women I’ve been able to disqualify using this system.

Examples:

[Leslie Pendleton: Excessively Viscous Nasal Mucus ]  [Maude Maume:Lesbian]  [Terry Jemima: Liar] [Myley McBabyladle: Bad Attitude] [Mildred Slit: Stupid Bitch]

STEP 4: Closing in

Once you have cleared your target woman for sex, its important to call her right away and let her know.  Because women are often forgetful, you will need to constantly remind her of your presence and desire to mate with her.  Don’t be afraid to get explicit, as this will not only heighten the anticipation for yourself, but it will also pique your target woman’s curiosity.  Women are known for always needing to know everything about you, so you can exploit this by teasing her with little bits of sexual innuendo.  My favorite way to do this is to describe my genitals in detail.  If you have the ability to take and send photos, this is even better.

TJ: “Wait...why did we just watch that for so long..”

[EDDIE agrees]

Back At the Bar

[BENNY is working the bar, you can overhear BLACKIE telling a crowd some story about mountain climbing or some shit..fuck that guy...while BENNY is cleaning glasses and looking toward BLACKIE's crowd.  A MAN IN SUIT gets BENNY's attention]

BENNY: “uh...yes..can I help you..”

MAN: “Please sir, I have traveled great distances to deliver this entry form to you.  [hands benny a form]

BENNY: “This is a napkin... from right over there... and it has half of a name written on it.”

MAN: “WELL, I lost the original and, it was the best I could do...Nevermind...A beloved actor from my home country, who has lost his job, received word of your talent contest [BENNY can be heard saying.. ”its not a contest.”] and is interested in winning it because he comically mistook the prize amount to be a huge sum of money, when it is actually a small amount back in our country.  He also demands that you provide him with amenities and wants to know when he will be payed.”

BENNY: “Wait isn't that the plot of three amigos.”

MAN: “Hey, now that I think about it...yeah its actually kinda the opposite..[seriously] but also its true.  Here is the first bill for his plane ticket, and here is where he will be staying...we will see you at the competition misterrrr...”

BENNY: “...Benny..”

MAN: “You're right it doesn't matter.”

BENNY: “Wait..we can't pay this man...and what is his name even.”

MAN: “His name, good sir.  Is Dezzy. [guitar music, dramatic close up on the lips] And you will pay him...unless you want him to bring a gang of horse-riding hoodligans in here and shoot at you with german guns.....nah I just made that last part up..we'll sue you.”

[BENNY looks worried as the man walks off...The smiths song “I decree today that life is simply taking and not giving england is mine, it owes me a living” starts...then it goes over to MICKEY and TENNIS at the jukebox]

TENNIS: “Well...that was the last dollar in my savings account... I guess we have to leave after this one.”

MICKEY: “No..how can you say that! We have to do whatever it takes to keep this going...I just need to hear one more song.”

TENNIS: “...okay...I think Benny left his car unlocked.  I'm going to go steal his wallet.”

MICKEY: [as TENNIS leaves] “Hurry up, the songs almost over.” [you can hear morrisey saying 'still ill' here]


Day of Talent show.

[There are long lines outside, and huge crowds with signs that say BLACKIE and shit on them...TJ and EDDIE are walking up to the bar]

EDDIE: “So have you decided what you are going to do?”

TJ: “No...I haven't even thought about it.  I started to figure it out last night, but then I got so worried that I just fell asleep...man its going to suck if Blackie McFuckStein wins.”
BLACKIE: “That's Mr. Blackie McFuckStein to you, sir.  Well, are you prepared to lose all that is sacred to you, right in front of your girlfriend?  Speechless, I think so.”

TJ: “Go Fuck yourself with a Shamrock you pot-of-gold hoarding, red-bearded, rainbow..something.. I was trying to make a lepruchan joke.”

EDDIE: “Too bad there isn't a category for that..” [TJ nods]

BLACKIE: “Pretty soon you will be the one fucking a shamrock, my smooth-dicked rival.” [he walks off]

TJ: “eww.  Well..this is going to be pretty embarassing.”

EDDIE: “yeah...whoa. Who is that?” [spanish guitar music]

[Many cameras clicking and women squealing, as DEZZY is seen in many poses, but then also kinda like the intro for Jesus in the big lebowski]

TJ: “Aww, man.  Is he competing too?”

BENNY: [out of nowhere appears next to them] “Yeah. That bastard wants us to pay him too.  Why does everybody think this is a competition?  Oh, and by the way, have you guys seen my car?”

[TJ stares at BENNY, EDDIE at DEZZY, fade to inside of bar camera is from the perspective of the Juke]

[TENNIS is talking to a crowd of loose girls (like in the K LAW vid) and MICKEY is deeply into the juke]

TENNIS: “..and that is when I was like, 'Sure, I'll sell you this car...if you give me those blood diamonds' [laughter/amazement] bitch payed for the car and gave me his stash.”  [crowd laughs]

GIRL: “daddy, can I pick a song?”

TENNIS: “Sure honey, shit, here's a ten-....THOUSAND dollar bill.” [He hands her a diamond]

[GIRL takes diamond and moves closer to the juke]

MICKEY: “Get the HELL away from that juke?”

GIRL: “huh”

MICKEY: “I said, what the hell do  you think you're doing?  I put the money in that juke, and its playing my songs.”

TENNIS: “Chill out bro, she's just trying to have a good time.”

MICKEY: “Well tell her to go find her own DAMN juke. OKAY? Cause this one is mine OKAY?”

TENNIS: “Whoa, mickey, you're gonna have to calm down broseph.”

MICKEY: “No, maybe YOU need to calm down.  Maybe ALL OF YOU need to just CALM DOWN!”

[BENNY comes over and unplugs the Juke]

MICKEY: “Ahh...Noo..”

TENNIS: “What the F, brew.  We were using that.”

BENNY: “It can't be on during the competition...  the talent show.  Damn.”

Montage.
Consisting of random people doing random shit.
Announced by the twin news team.
After the montage, the twins announce it is down to the final 3: TJ, BLACKIE, and DEZZY

We will determine the order later based on comedy:

DEZZY gets on stage, and the lights turn off with a slam sound.  Then he bends over and clicks the guitar case hinges, like he is going to open it.  The fans all look on with awe, he clears his throat into a microphone, then he launches a missile and blows a hole in the wall...that everyone looks back through...then everyone claps.

TJ gets announced and stammers a bit with EDDIE, he is very nervous, and does not want to go on stage.  As EDDIE is pushing him on stage, an impressive flash on the stage reveals FUTURE EDDIE – maybe in a Bishop from X-men like costume, he points to regular EDDIE and says, that man is an imposter and sends him to the future.  Then TJ is like, what, but EDDIE explains he is only from one day in the future.

BLACKIE does a magic show.  It has pyrotechnics and hot bitches from earlier, then he says and now, feast your eyes on this most spectacular deception of the mind...then he does the thing where you fake take your thumb off.  And everyone goes bananas if you know what I'm saying.

After the thing, BENNY announces there will be no winner because it was just a talent show.  Dank's gets sued because BENNY never pays DEZZY, maybe he finds a bill in the mailbox at the end.1