As promised, here is the first of many examples of
my experiences I plan to share in the coming weeks.
Please know that I hate doing this in public, it's
unfair on me, and on the people, I'm going to talk
about, but I don't see that I've been given any other
choice. What's the point in doing the right thing,
following guidelines, to just be lied to, misled and
dismissed. The top people at British Gymnastics
haven't shown any empathy or desire to
acknowledge change so it's time their behavior is
shared in public.

It's vital that gymnasts, coaches and parents
continue to speak out and share their experiences.
Be brave, we all need to stand together and tell Jane
Allen and her team that change is needed.
In January 2017, I was 17 years old and had recently
moved gymnastic clubs for reasons that I'll explain
once the investigation into South Durham GC has
been completed.

At the end of January, I took part in an assessment
with a performance nutrionist from the EIS as part of
a national squad performance camp at Lilleshall.
On Wednesday 1st February, the nutrionist emailed
me with my results. It was a positive email and I felt
good about myself and the small changes lid need to
make to get back into full-time training and
competitive shape. I read the email whilst at training
and discussed the results with my Coach. We were
happy and excited for the year ahead and he told me
that as long as I could complete my routines then my
weight wasn't an issue.

The next day, Thursday2ndFebruary, I trained
between 1200-1900, it was a positive session and I
went home happy. Mam made dinner, and after I'd
finished my main meal I sat down on the sofa to
catch up on my emails. It was then that I read an
email exchange between Colin Still, the National
Coach, and the nutrionist. I felt sick when I read it
and started crying.

Mam came into the room and asked what was
wrong. I showed her the emails.
In his first email, Colin questioned the data and said,
'I already looked a little heavy'. I remember thinking
'what?' A few coaches at the squad had mentioned,
as they always did, that I should try and lose weight,
but he hadn't said anything to me. My weight has
been a sensitive issue with me since I was 13 years
old, with the National Coaches always mentioning it
as a problem. It really hurt. Why would he say that?
What's been said behind my back? I also asked Mam
what 'A about F' meant and was surprised that the
National Coach would use that language.

It was the second email that really made me cry.
Colin called me a 'fat dwarf'. I just sat there crying. I
asked Mam if I looked fat. So many thoughts went
through my mind. He's the National Coach but why
would he say that? What have I done for him to be
that mean to me?

Mam asked me if I wanted the fruit that I normally
have after dinner. I said no, there was no way could I
eat, I felt sick, like my stomach was the size of a pin
head. Mam tried to make me feel better and said
she'd phone my Coach as he hadn't been copied in
on the emails. She was furious.

I went to bed but didn't sleep, I couldn't, it just kept
going around and around in my head. Over thinking it
all. Worried that I was too heavy, how was I going to
lose all this weight. I kept repeating it. He thinks I'm
a 'fat dwarf', why does he think that? If that's what
he says about me in an email then what else do they
say about me?

On Friday8rdFebruary, Mam drove me to training. I
lined up as usual and my Coach came straight up to
me and talked about the email. I cried, I tried to keep
it all in, but I couldn't. He couldn't believe Colin had
written that email either and said he'd sort it. He told
me not to worry about the emails, that my data was
exactly as expected, that I wasn't heavy and I looked
great. I went to the toilet to gather myself and did my
best to finish the training session.

I just couldn't understand how 2 coaches could be so
different in their approach, well, that was until I
realized that my Coach was a decent World Class
Coach and human being. It's only when you've
experienced both sides that you can tell the good
from the bad.

My Coach contacted British Gymnastics and
explained how the emails had really upset me. How
Colin must've not known I was copied in and that his
comments were surely 'light hearted'. We all knew
they weren't, but why rock the boat? I was already in
trouble with the National Coaches for moving clubs
and this just felt like too much.

4-days later I received a text message from Colin. No
phone call, just a text. He didn't apologise for calling
me 'heavy' or a 'fat dwarf'.