The Wedding Ringer (2015) Eng

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(DIALING PHONE)

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(PHONE RINGING)

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SETH: (ON PHONE) Hello.
Hi. Seth?

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Yeah?
Hey, there, it's Doug.

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Um, I'm sorry.
Doug who?

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Doug Harris.
You know, Doug Harris.

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"Persian Rug Doug"?
"Chili Cheese Doug"?

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"SPF 60"?

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(LAUGHS)
Oh, of course, man.

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SPF 60,
how are you, brother?

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It's been a long time.

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I, uh, know we haven't
spoken in a while

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but I was actually
calling because

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I've actually got
some really great news.

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I'm getting married, bud. Wow!
That's amazing. Congratulations.

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We're very excited and,
in fact, I'm doubly excited

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because I'm calling
to see if maybe

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you would want
to be my best man.

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(SETH CHUCKLES WEAKLY)

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Wow. Um, I mean,
this is a little bit awkward.

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I feel like
we're not at that level.

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It feels like we don't know
each other that well. You know?

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No, I don't feel that way.
What about that...

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Seth, what about that
weekend in Carlsbad Caverns?

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I mean, that was
the 9th grade field trip.

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The whole class went.

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Can I give you the dates?

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Maybe you just want to look
into it. (LINE DISCONNECTS)

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Are you still there, Seth?

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MAN 1: I don't know
what to say, Doug.

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I mean, I didn't
invite you to my wedding.

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That's okay. That's okay.

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Yeah, you can't invite
everyone that you want to.

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Actually, we did invite
everyone we wanted to.

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(LAUGHS) We had,
like, 400 guests.

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Freshman year?
Your roommate?

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MAN 2: I heard you died.

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No. No, that's Len Brophy.
I'm the other one.

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Truth be told, uh, you're
the first person I thought of.

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Is that a yes or a no?

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Hola, Eduardo.

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(LINE BEEPS)

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RECORDING: We're sorry.
You have reached a number

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that has been disconnected,

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or is no longer in service.

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If you feel you have reached
this recording in error,

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please check the number and
try your call again. (SIGHS)

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♪ ♪

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(GROANING)

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Ow!

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(GROANING CONTINUES)

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DOUG: Stephen!

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♪ Tonight's the night
♪ Hey!

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♪ Let's live it up
♪ Let's live it up

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♪ I got my money

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Roberta!
♪ Let's spend it up

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♪ Let's spend it up

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♪ Go out and smash it
♪ Smash it

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DOUG: Stephen!

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♪ Jump off that sofa
♪ Come on

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♪ Let's get, get off

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Is everyone
out of the office?

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♪ Mazel tov
♪ L'Chaim

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♪ And then
we'll do it again

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Timothy!
♪ Let's do it

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♪ Let's do it,
let's do it, do it

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Somebody!

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Help!

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♪ And do it,
and do it

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I can't feel
my fucking legs!

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♪ I gotta feeling

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♪ That tonight's
gonna be a good night

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♪ That tonight's gonna be
a good, good night

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♪ I gotta feeling

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♪ Whoo-hoo

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♪ That tonight's
gonna be a good night

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♪ That tonight's gonna be
a good, good night

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♪ Tonight's the night

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♪ Let's live it up

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♪ I got my money

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♪ Let's spend it up

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♪ Go out and smash it

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♪ Like, oh, my God

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♪ Jump off that sofa

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ALL:
♪ Let's get, get off!

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♪ Fill up my cup

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ALL:
♪ Mazel tov!

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♪ Look at her dancing

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♪ Just take it

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ALL:
♪ Off!

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♪ Let's paint the town

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♪ We'll shut it down

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♪ Let's burn the...

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ALL:
♪ Roof!

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♪ 'Cause I gotta feeling ♪

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(MAN LAUGHING)

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You have to know that. Okay.

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(CROWD LAUGHING)
I ain't lying.

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Yeah. I've always been a bit
of a hopeless romantic myself.

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If our true match
exists somewhere,

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it's our goal in life
to find her.

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But, see, Andrew's a bit
more rational than me.

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Andrew always believed
that "the one"

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was a farce created
by musicians and Hollywood.

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Until last December.

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Andrew calls my cell phone
and he says,

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"Remember all that
stuff I said about

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"there being no such
thing as 'the one'?"

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He said, "Well, I was wrong.
Her name is Gina Baker.

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"And she doesn't
know this yet,

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"but she's going
to be my wife. "

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GUESTS: Aw.

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And I knew at that moment

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that this Gina Baker

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was the luckiest girl
in the world.

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But after getting to know
you these past few days,

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and as I look at
you tonight, Gina,

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I know at this moment

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that Andrew is the
luckiest guy in the world.

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Because I know that you
both have found "the one. "

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GUESTS: Aw.

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Ah. I said I'm not going
to do it. (SNIFFLES)

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I want to propose a toast.

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This is to the groom,

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my best friend,

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(GUESTS CHEERING)

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and his beautiful
new bride.

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This is to
"happily ever after. "

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I love you both.
WOMAN: Cheers!

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♪ ♪
(APPLAUSE)

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(GUESTS WHISTLING
AND CHEERING)

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Congrats, man.
MAN: Great speech.

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So, are you still
the hopeless romantic?

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Well, I wouldn't say
"hopeless. "

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(BOTH LAUGHING)

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Hey, can I speak to you for
a minute? Like, two seconds.

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Yeah. Uh, I'll be
right back, babe.

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(CHUCKLES)

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ANDREW: I don't even
know what to say, man.

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Did you see their faces?
They were smiling.

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Hey, hey!

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Man, did you see the beautiful
titties on that girl back there?

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I'm trying to tag her ass before she
passes out, so if you could just...

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Yeah, sure. Um, your
wig's a little askew.

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That's fine. Thank you.
Okay. So, I guess that's it.

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You know the rules.
I do. I just thought that...

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Thought what? I thought
we maybe hit it off, right?

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No. We definitely didn't.
Oh.

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You're a great kid, but
unfortunately, a deal is a deal.

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There's no contact
after final payment.

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I should have
charged you more.

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I'm serious, man. You
got the real deal tonight.

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I was in the zone, baby.

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Yeah, great.
No, we don't do that.

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Sure.
Thank you, man.

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(PEOPLE CHEERING)

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♪ Easy come
Easy go

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After you.

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♪ Feel the shot
Body rock

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♪ Rock it, don't stop

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Where to, boss? Just
drive, Otis. Just drive.

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♪ And I'm feeling

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♪ Whoo-hoo

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♪ That tonight's
gonna be a good night

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♪ That tonight's gonna be
a good, good night

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♪ Whoo-hoo ♪

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(HEART BEATING)

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Mom and I
narrowed it down

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to the silver tulle
tussie-mussie,

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which is an exact replica of
the 1915 Texan Tussie-Mussie.

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Or we have our Très Beau

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with its goldia
floral etching,

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enhanced in
a smoky-silver tone.

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Does anyone else feel
really fucking gay right now?

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Ed! Let's go with the Très Beau.

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Très Beau tussie-mussie is fabulous.

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Christ, somebody just
shoot me. I'll be outside.

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EDMUNDO: All right, team, can
we all gather around, please?

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Okay. I have everything
I need for the bridesmaids,

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but I am still missing
the groomsmen's information.

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What? Honey, you told me you
spoke to all the groomsmen.

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(STAMMERS) See,
I sent them an email,

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but you know how guys are.

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They just haven't
responded yet.

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Babe, I know
you've been really busy,

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but our wedding
is in 10 days.

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I mean,
can't your best man

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help you with
all of this?

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Uh, but you see,
Bic's still in El Salvador.

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Well, let's hope he's in
LA next week. (SNICKERS)

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DOUG: Oh, he will be.
Mom.

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He'll be there.

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Okay, look, why don't I
just contact Mr. Rambis,

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Mr. Garvey, Mr. Plunkett, Mr. Carew,

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Mr. Drysdale, Mr. Alzado, Mr. Dickerson?

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I can't breathe.
Mister, are you okay?

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GRETCHEN: Honey.
(GASPS)

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Honey!

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Unless you are
planning to run,

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you are backing yourself
into a very tight corner.

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I'm not sure I understand
what you're implying.

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Three out of seven of your
groomsmen are Hall of Famers.

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She'll leave me, I know. You're
not gonna tell her, are you?

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She's going to find out
soon enough. Oh, God.

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Why didn't you say
something to me before?

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I've been on a bullet train
ever since I proposed.

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I haven't slept
in months.

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I can't keep anything down.
I keep losing weight. I just...

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I just want her
to be happy.

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The truth
is always the best.

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What if the truth
isn't an option?

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Well...

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There is one other thing.

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♪ Oh, babe!

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♪ I don't wanna lie

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♪ I'm gonna take
what you're giving

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♪ 'Cause I know
you're willing

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♪ To take me all the way

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♪ You got me right here

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00:08:27,715 --> 00:08:29,549
♪ Combustible

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♪ And I can't wait
to finally explode

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♪ The big, big bang

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♪ The reason I'm alive

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00:08:38,476 --> 00:08:41,228
Hey, hey! Lou, knock that shit off, man.

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(GROANS)
Don't worry about Lou.

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00:08:42,855 --> 00:08:45,023
He had half his brain
removed two years ago.

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LOU: Fuck off.
Okay.

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Hey, uh, do you know where
I can find the basement?

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♪ The big, big bang

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♪ The reason I'm alive

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♪ When all the stars collide

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♪ In this universe inside

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♪ The big, big bang

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00:09:05,294 --> 00:09:06,545
(DOOR BUZZING)

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00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:08,171
♪ Oh, babe ♪

236
00:09:09,632 --> 00:09:10,966
May I help you?

237
00:09:11,050 --> 00:09:12,842
Hi. Yeah.

238
00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:15,178
Yeah, um, I'm looking
for Jimmy Callahan.

239
00:09:15,263 --> 00:09:16,888
Who sent you? The Goose?

240
00:09:16,973 --> 00:09:19,057
No. Um, Edmundo.
Ah.

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00:09:19,684 --> 00:09:21,935
Welcome to
The Best Man Inc.

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00:09:22,144 --> 00:09:23,687
♪ It's a beautiful night

243
00:09:23,938 --> 00:09:26,856
♪ We're looking for
something dumb to do

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00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:30,110
♪ Hey, baby

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00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:32,654
♪ I think I wanna marry you.

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♪ Just say I do

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♪ Tell me right now, baby

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♪ I think I wanna
marry you ♪ (DOOR OPENS)

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So, Edmundo sent you
to come find the Oracle.

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00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:49,629
What can I do for you?

251
00:09:49,672 --> 00:09:51,923
Hi. Yeah, I guess I do have
a few questions. Mmm-hmm.

252
00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:54,843
Um, what exactly
do you do?

253
00:09:55,219 --> 00:09:57,178
I provide best man
services for guys

254
00:09:57,263 --> 00:09:59,472
like yourself who
lack in such areas.

255
00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:01,766
So, I'm not alone?

256
00:10:01,851 --> 00:10:04,394
Alone? No. I run a very profitable
business because of guys like you.

257
00:10:04,687 --> 00:10:05,895
Here's a fun fact for you.

258
00:10:05,980 --> 00:10:07,397
A kid goes to
Cornell University.

259
00:10:07,481 --> 00:10:09,107
He obviously has way too
much time on his hands.

260
00:10:09,191 --> 00:10:10,609
He recently confirmed
the number

261
00:10:10,693 --> 00:10:12,319
of real friends
the average American has.

262
00:10:12,403 --> 00:10:13,570
That means we're
not talking about

263
00:10:13,654 --> 00:10:14,904
the phony
Facebook friends here.

264
00:10:14,989 --> 00:10:15,947
We're talking
about the friends

265
00:10:16,032 --> 00:10:17,198
who know where
your porn stash is.

266
00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:19,826
That number has dropped
from three to two since 1985.

267
00:10:20,161 --> 00:10:22,203
Really?
I don't have any.

268
00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:25,123
How many weddings do you
think were in the US last year?

269
00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:26,791
Four hundred and fifty...

270
00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:29,127
2.4 million.
Four million.

271
00:10:29,211 --> 00:10:31,212
That means there were
2.4 million grooms.

272
00:10:31,380 --> 00:10:33,006
Do you think that each and
every single one of them

273
00:10:33,090 --> 00:10:34,799
has somebody
to be their best man?

274
00:10:34,884 --> 00:10:36,968
Wow. I never knew
people like you existed.

275
00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:38,011
I'm like an angel.

276
00:10:38,137 --> 00:10:39,387
I'm only there when you
need me to be. (DOOR OPENS)

277
00:10:39,513 --> 00:10:41,765
Excuse me. You got to
get going, Jimmy.

278
00:10:41,849 --> 00:10:43,767
Beth Shalom, right?
Beth Yirmeyahu.

279
00:10:43,851 --> 00:10:44,934
I don't understand
why they do these things

280
00:10:45,019 --> 00:10:46,561
in the middle of traffic.
It's annoying.

281
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,355
So, what did you
tell your fiancée?

282
00:10:48,439 --> 00:10:50,482
I, uh, told her that
I have a best man lined up.

283
00:10:50,608 --> 00:10:52,942
You gave her the old Norton
Winchell, huh? I did what now?

284
00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:54,903
The Norton Winchell. It's
the imaginary-friend cover.

285
00:10:54,987 --> 00:10:56,404
It's an amateur move,
but it's common.

286
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:57,947
What about your parents?
They in on it?

287
00:10:58,074 --> 00:10:59,240
Oh, you don't have to
worry about them.

288
00:10:59,325 --> 00:11:00,825
Why, they protesting
the marriage?

289
00:11:00,910 --> 00:11:03,244
No, they passed away several
years ago. That's perfect.

290
00:11:03,746 --> 00:11:05,080
Is this a large wedding
or a small wedding?

291
00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:06,206
Large.

292
00:11:06,290 --> 00:11:07,791
Social or family?
Social.

293
00:11:07,875 --> 00:11:09,334
Hancock Park,
Bel Air, Palisades?

294
00:11:09,418 --> 00:11:10,877
Downtown,
Millennium Biltmore.

295
00:11:10,961 --> 00:11:12,504
All right. Let's go
over some of my packages.

296
00:11:12,588 --> 00:11:14,506
If you're looking for
a basic Single Wing Ringman,

297
00:11:14,590 --> 00:11:15,632
that's where
I'm your best man,

298
00:11:15,716 --> 00:11:16,925
I attend your wedding
for the full day.

299
00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:18,426
Okay. If you need something
a little more involved,

300
00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:20,428
where I participate in all the
festivities for the weekend,

301
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:22,347
then you're talking
about a Bronze Bow Tie.

302
00:11:22,431 --> 00:11:23,682
Now, if you've got
real problems,

303
00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:25,058
what you need
is a Silver Cuff Link.

304
00:11:25,142 --> 00:11:26,685
Now, that includes everything
in the Bronze Bow Tie

305
00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:27,852
plus an additional
three groomsmen

306
00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:29,020
to balance out
the bridesmaids.

307
00:11:29,146 --> 00:11:30,522
For an extra
thousand dollars,

308
00:11:30,606 --> 00:11:31,940
I'll throw you a bachelor
party to your liking.

309
00:11:32,191 --> 00:11:33,900
How are you looking on
groomsmen? Not good at all.

310
00:11:33,984 --> 00:11:35,985
Not good as in
you need one or two?

311
00:11:36,070 --> 00:11:37,404
I need seven.

312
00:11:37,738 --> 00:11:40,532
You need seven groomsmen?
I do.

313
00:11:40,616 --> 00:11:42,867
Do you have any idea
what you're asking for?

314
00:11:42,952 --> 00:11:44,953
You're asking me to
pull off a Golden Tux.

315
00:11:45,079 --> 00:11:46,871
Yeah. See, I don't see
that on this pamphlet here.

316
00:11:46,956 --> 00:11:48,123
It's not on the pamphlet.

317
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:49,416
Because what you're
talking about

318
00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:50,959
is what we joke
about around here.

319
00:11:51,043 --> 00:11:53,878
That's a laugh. "Hey, we
should try to do a Golden Tux. "

320
00:11:53,963 --> 00:11:54,921
(LAUGHING)

321
00:11:55,005 --> 00:11:56,673
Too many moving parts.
Too many things can go wrong.

322
00:11:56,799 --> 00:11:57,882
No. But there's a name for it.

323
00:11:57,967 --> 00:11:59,634
There's also a name for a
horse with a horn on its head.

324
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:01,469
It's called a unicorn. It
doesn't mean I can get you one.

325
00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:03,596
She will leave me.
I need your help.

326
00:12:03,681 --> 00:12:05,557
You're talking about
unchartered territory.

327
00:12:05,641 --> 00:12:07,851
No one's ever asked me
to pull off a Golden Tux.

328
00:12:07,935 --> 00:12:09,602
And in less
than two weeks?

329
00:12:09,687 --> 00:12:12,647
I have a nice job,
I have a real nice business.

330
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:14,023
I don't need this
kind of pressure, man.

331
00:12:14,108 --> 00:12:16,776
I don't care how much it
costs. I need a Golden Tux!

332
00:12:21,157 --> 00:12:22,699
Are you sure
she's worth it?

333
00:12:22,908 --> 00:12:25,910
A guy like me doesn't
land a girl like her.

334
00:12:25,995 --> 00:12:28,204
So, I lied about having
a bunch of friends.

335
00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:30,081
I thought it would
make me look cool.

336
00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:31,791
Never did I think
she would like me,

337
00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:33,418
let alone agree
to marry me.

338
00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:36,212
I am marrying a girl
who, all my life,

339
00:12:36,297 --> 00:12:38,214
I never would have thought
would have looked at me twice.

340
00:12:38,299 --> 00:12:39,883
And I am marrying her.

341
00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:43,762
What's a little white lie
in the face of that?

342
00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:48,808
Please help me. I don't
know what else to do.

343
00:12:50,853 --> 00:12:52,437
I love this girl.

344
00:12:56,942 --> 00:12:58,026
I'm late.
Come on, get in the car.

345
00:12:58,110 --> 00:12:59,194
Really?

346
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:00,987
Yeah.
Should I follow you...

347
00:13:01,071 --> 00:13:02,113
No, get in my car.
Come on.

348
00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:03,198
And you'll drop
me off back here...

349
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:04,783
Will you just get in the
damn car, please? Okay.

350
00:13:04,867 --> 00:13:06,951
I'm late, man.
God damn it.

351
00:13:07,036 --> 00:13:08,495
Fucking white people.

352
00:13:08,704 --> 00:13:09,704
(CARS HONKING)

353
00:13:10,706 --> 00:13:12,582
RABBl: Now, at this time,
I would like to bring up

354
00:13:12,917 --> 00:13:15,960
Stuart's best friend
to say a few words.

355
00:13:16,545 --> 00:13:18,713
(ORGAN PLAYING)

356
00:13:25,471 --> 00:13:26,721
Just five short years ago,

357
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:28,765
when I spoke at
Stuart's wedding,

358
00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:30,558
I never expected

359
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:32,435
to be speaking
at his funeral so soon.

360
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:33,645
(CRYING)

361
00:13:33,938 --> 00:13:35,522
As the only Ethiopian Jew

362
00:13:35,606 --> 00:13:37,941
at A.J. Wilson High School,

363
00:13:38,025 --> 00:13:39,692
I was bullied quite often.

364
00:13:40,027 --> 00:13:42,529
I remember one time when
these kids took my lunch

365
00:13:42,613 --> 00:13:43,947
and spilled it
all over my lap.

366
00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:46,366
After they did it,
they started to

367
00:13:46,450 --> 00:13:48,076
call me mean names.
(SCOFFS)

368
00:13:48,244 --> 00:13:50,578
Some of them even
called me Pupil Jew-Jew.

369
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,831
Because they said when they turned
the lights out in the hallway,

370
00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:54,165
all they could see
was my eye pupils.

371
00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:55,917
"Pupil Jew-Jew. "

372
00:13:56,043 --> 00:13:57,669
"Here comes Pupil Jew-Jew. "

373
00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,128
Some of them
even did awful

374
00:13:59,213 --> 00:14:01,506
Sammy Davis Jr.
impressions to my face.

375
00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:04,843
"Sha boing boing,
you black Jew-Jew. "

376
00:14:05,135 --> 00:14:06,845
I was covered
in sloppy joe

377
00:14:06,929 --> 00:14:08,596
and mashed potatoes
and vegetable medley.

378
00:14:09,056 --> 00:14:11,099
And, uh, I look up,

379
00:14:13,477 --> 00:14:15,270
and I see Stu.

380
00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:18,940
He was standing there
with a handful of napkins.

381
00:14:19,316 --> 00:14:21,025
And a smile on his face

382
00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:23,278
as if to say, "Everything
was going to be okay. "

383
00:14:23,612 --> 00:14:26,281
Stuart may have gone to
that big Shabbat in the sky,

384
00:14:26,365 --> 00:14:27,657
but he's still with us.

385
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:30,869
He's up there
making sad angels laugh

386
00:14:30,953 --> 00:14:32,996
and he's giving
hopeless angels hope.

387
00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:34,581
And he's giving
small, little, black,

388
00:14:34,665 --> 00:14:36,833
Jewish angels with
a face full of corn

389
00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:40,378
a handful of napkins
and a smile

390
00:14:40,462 --> 00:14:42,630
that says everything
is going to be okay.

391
00:14:47,219 --> 00:14:49,262
(SINGING HEBREW PRAYER)

392
00:14:50,681 --> 00:14:52,223
I am so, so sorry.

393
00:14:52,308 --> 00:14:53,975
I mean, I had no idea.
(ENGINE STARTS)

394
00:14:54,059 --> 00:14:55,393
This could have
easily waited.

395
00:14:55,477 --> 00:14:56,477
Man, don't worry
about it.

396
00:14:56,604 --> 00:14:59,606
All those things that you said
about him, those incredible things.

397
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:01,816
He really sounds like a
great guy. Who, Reinsdorf?

398
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,276
Reinsdorf was
a piece of shit.

399
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:05,194
If I end up doing
a Golden Tux for you,

400
00:15:05,279 --> 00:15:07,238
(CHUCKLES) I'll say nice
things at your funeral, too.

401
00:15:10,159 --> 00:15:11,743
JIMMY: Shit, for another
100 bucks, I'll throw in

402
00:15:11,827 --> 00:15:13,369
holiday cards,
birthday calls,

403
00:15:13,454 --> 00:15:15,246
and if you croak within
seven years of said wedding...

404
00:15:15,331 --> 00:15:16,414
You're serious?

405
00:15:16,498 --> 00:15:17,540
Serious as paint.

406
00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:18,875
If I do this,
you need to understand

407
00:15:18,959 --> 00:15:20,418
this is strictly
a business relationship.

408
00:15:20,502 --> 00:15:21,836
Right. You're not buying a new friend.

409
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:23,338
You're hiring a best man.
Got it.

410
00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:24,881
Clients sometimes
blur that line.

411
00:15:24,965 --> 00:15:25,924
I'm not looking
for a friend.

412
00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:27,091
I am looking for a best man.

413
00:15:27,676 --> 00:15:28,843
50 grand.
Done.

414
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:29,969
Plus expenses.
You got it.

415
00:15:30,054 --> 00:15:31,554
Who's officiating?
Father O'Brien.

416
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:33,348
I never heard of him.
Her family's priest.

417
00:15:33,682 --> 00:15:35,475
What's my name?
Jimmy.

418
00:15:35,559 --> 00:15:37,936
No, my name. I'm assuming you
made up a name for me. What is it?

419
00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:39,187
Oh, I thought it was
a trick question.

420
00:15:39,271 --> 00:15:40,813
It's Bic. Bic Mitchum.

421
00:15:41,523 --> 00:15:43,274
Do I wear a fucking cape?
Bic Mitchum?

422
00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:44,484
It was an act
of desperation.

423
00:15:44,568 --> 00:15:45,944
Bic. Hey, ladies,
what's going on?

424
00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:47,779
My name is Bic and I got
the dick. (INHALES SHARPLY)

425
00:15:47,863 --> 00:15:49,364
What's happening right now?
I'm Bic Mitchum.

426
00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:50,740
Hey, you put that down

427
00:15:50,824 --> 00:15:52,116
and if someone
asks you who said it,

428
00:15:52,201 --> 00:15:53,618
you tell them
Bic Mitchum said it.

429
00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:55,495
What do you mean that
there's no more candy?

430
00:15:55,579 --> 00:15:57,538
I'm Bic Mitchum
and I love candy.

431
00:15:57,831 --> 00:16:00,416
I'm Bic. Where's the pussy at? What?

432
00:16:00,501 --> 00:16:01,668
Fuck you!
Wait.

433
00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:03,836
Fuck you, man!
No, Bic can't have these...

434
00:16:03,921 --> 00:16:06,297
Bic Mitchum can have
whatever the fuck he wants!

435
00:16:06,674 --> 00:16:08,508
Bic, Bic, Bic.

436
00:16:08,592 --> 00:16:10,426
All right. I like it.

437
00:16:10,761 --> 00:16:12,053
Doug Harris,
congratulations.

438
00:16:12,137 --> 00:16:13,388
Allow me
to introduce myself.

439
00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:14,764
My name is Bic Mitchum.

440
00:16:14,848 --> 00:16:15,974
I'm your new best man.

441
00:16:17,017 --> 00:16:18,309
It's great to
finally meet you.

442
00:16:18,394 --> 00:16:19,644
No, that's bullshit, Doug.

443
00:16:19,728 --> 00:16:21,396
"It's great to
see you again, man. "

444
00:16:21,689 --> 00:16:22,981
(BOTH LAUGHING)

445
00:16:23,357 --> 00:16:24,565
Thank you.
Thank you so much.

446
00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:25,817
Yo, what are you
doing, man?

447
00:16:25,901 --> 00:16:28,111
Yo, what the fuck are you
doing? What are you doing?

448
00:16:28,195 --> 00:16:30,446
I'm sorry.
I just got really excited.

449
00:16:30,531 --> 00:16:32,156
God damn it, man.

450
00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:33,491
What do we do now?

451
00:16:33,575 --> 00:16:35,118
You go get some rest.

452
00:16:35,202 --> 00:16:36,327
Take care of them bags
under your eyes.

453
00:16:36,412 --> 00:16:37,620
Stop hugging strangers.

454
00:16:37,788 --> 00:16:39,956
God created the world
in seven days.

455
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:41,916
I got to do a whole lot
more in a lot less time.

456
00:16:42,084 --> 00:16:44,293
I got to go find you
some damn friends.

457
00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:46,004
Just keep your eye on the
ball, you little fucker.

458
00:16:46,088 --> 00:16:47,588
And you're sure I'll get laid? Yes.

459
00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:48,840
Because I haven't gotten
any since I got out.

460
00:16:48,924 --> 00:16:51,259
You'll crush ass. Seven
bridesmaids. Biltmore.

461
00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:54,178
Seven? I want seven vaginas up
on my face. Do you guarantee that?

462
00:16:54,263 --> 00:16:56,764
I can't guarantee that, but I'm
quite sure that they will want you.

463
00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:59,142
It's you!
Look at you. Come on.

464
00:16:59,226 --> 00:17:00,518
My mom isn't
paying you to talk

465
00:17:00,602 --> 00:17:01,769
to your loser friends.

466
00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:02,895
Loser?

467
00:17:03,897 --> 00:17:05,064
Ow!
Oh!

468
00:17:05,274 --> 00:17:06,315
Don't talk to
Jimmy like that.

469
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:07,775
Hey, what are you
doing, Fitz?

470
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:10,194
I'll murder your family!
Turn it off. (CRYING)

471
00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:13,364
Brentwood? Biltmore. Hal Lane Orchestra.

472
00:17:13,490 --> 00:17:16,409
Oh, man. Hal Lane is the best. I know.

473
00:17:16,493 --> 00:17:18,536
MARCl: Hurry up and
finish the van. I'm hungry.

474
00:17:18,620 --> 00:17:19,662
Okay, I'll be right there.

475
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:21,539
Look, Jimmy,
I'd love to help you out,

476
00:17:21,623 --> 00:17:23,291
but I promised Marci
I'd get out of the game.

477
00:17:23,375 --> 00:17:24,584
Her old man hooked
me up with this job.

478
00:17:24,668 --> 00:17:26,377
Job? What job?
Washing the damn van?

479
00:17:26,462 --> 00:17:28,171
I'm an apprentice.
I just take care of the van

480
00:17:28,255 --> 00:17:29,922
while I learn to plumb.

481
00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:32,216
Stop. You look at me now and tell
me that you don't want back in.

482
00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:34,177
MARCl: Where the heck did
you put the salad dressing,

483
00:17:34,261 --> 00:17:35,762
you fat idiot?

484
00:17:35,846 --> 00:17:36,846
(MACHINE BEEPING)

485
00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:40,308
Yeah, arms up. All
right, turn around, girl.

486
00:17:40,392 --> 00:17:42,643
Damn. You're trying
to smuggle

487
00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:44,145
some extra ass on the
flight, aren't you?

488
00:17:44,229 --> 00:17:45,229
Isn't that what
you're doing?

489
00:17:45,314 --> 00:17:46,522
Go on, girl.
You're good.

490
00:17:46,607 --> 00:17:47,940
Have a nice flight.
Ooh!

491
00:17:48,108 --> 00:17:49,984
Come on, man. You're
better than this, Reggie.

492
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:51,444
Who's catering this gig?
Puck.

493
00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:53,905
Wolfgang? No, Hockey
Puck, idiot. Yes, Wolfgang.

494
00:17:54,031 --> 00:17:55,656
The only thing they've got
in this place is Cinnabon.

495
00:17:55,991 --> 00:17:57,909
I've been eating
Cinnabon for breakfast,

496
00:17:57,993 --> 00:18:00,161
lunch, and dinner
for the past six months.

497
00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:01,996
Reggie, I don't need...
Okay? Of course I'm in.

498
00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:03,164
That's all I needed to know.

499
00:18:03,248 --> 00:18:04,248
Come on. We've a lot
of work to do.

500
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:05,500
Now?
Yes, now.

501
00:18:05,584 --> 00:18:07,835
Hey, I'm clocking out.
I'm back in the game, baby.

502
00:18:08,045 --> 00:18:09,962
GRETCHEN: At least Edmundo
was able to reschedule

503
00:18:10,047 --> 00:18:12,381
the new salad dressing
tasting to tomorrow.

504
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:14,258
(GROANS)
There's only a week left

505
00:18:14,343 --> 00:18:15,843
and we still have
so much to do.

506
00:18:17,012 --> 00:18:18,096
Doug, what are you doing?

507
00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:20,515
I thought maybe we'd have
a little ice cream

508
00:18:21,517 --> 00:18:23,559
and then perhaps
some dessert.

509
00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:25,853
Oh, that is so not fair.
You know I'm trying

510
00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:27,730
to lose 4.2 pounds
before the wedding.

511
00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:29,774
Well, I think you look
beautiful just the way you are.

512
00:18:29,858 --> 00:18:31,109
And I got you something else.

513
00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:32,318
What?

514
00:18:33,862 --> 00:18:34,904
Ta-da.

515
00:18:34,988 --> 00:18:35,988
(GASPS) Oh, my God.

516
00:18:36,073 --> 00:18:37,990
I remember when we watched
Girl with a Pearl Earring,

517
00:18:38,075 --> 00:18:39,325
and you said
how pretty you thought

518
00:18:39,409 --> 00:18:40,618
the girl's pearl earring was.

519
00:18:40,702 --> 00:18:41,953
So, I went out
and had it remade.

520
00:18:42,037 --> 00:18:43,371
You know, as a pair.

521
00:18:43,455 --> 00:18:45,373
Oh, my God.
You are so sweet.

522
00:18:45,457 --> 00:18:47,166
That was so unnecessary.

523
00:18:47,251 --> 00:18:48,417
(ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING)

524
00:18:48,710 --> 00:18:50,253
Is that Boyz ll Men?

525
00:18:50,504 --> 00:18:53,714
You know, I was thinking

526
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:56,092
of a way to alleviate

527
00:18:56,385 --> 00:18:58,302
all that stress
you've been feeling.

528
00:18:58,470 --> 00:18:59,595
That is not fair.

529
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:01,222
Remember, we said no
teasing each other. Mmm-mmm.

530
00:19:01,431 --> 00:19:03,474
I know we agreed to
the whole "no making love

531
00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:04,976
"for the last month" rule.

532
00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:06,185
That's a lot of quotes.

533
00:19:06,270 --> 00:19:08,479
Yeah, but maybe
I could request

534
00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:10,439
a temporary stay of the ban.

535
00:19:10,524 --> 00:19:13,526
No. Honey, look,
I would love to, okay?

536
00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:15,653
But the article says
this will enhance

537
00:19:15,737 --> 00:19:17,530
our emotional reunification.

538
00:19:17,614 --> 00:19:20,366
I know. Maybe we could
take one night off.

539
00:19:20,742 --> 00:19:22,660
(STAMMERS)
Can we do that, maybe?

540
00:19:22,744 --> 00:19:24,370
Just for one night.

541
00:19:24,454 --> 00:19:25,997
To just have sex?

542
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:28,207
Honey, you know this is
difficult for me, too, okay?

543
00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:30,835
But I am willing to make
the necessary sacrifice

544
00:19:30,919 --> 00:19:33,629
to make sure that our
wedding night is perfect.

545
00:19:34,381 --> 00:19:36,549
BRONSTEIN: Doug and I met
at Camp Wampacheempi.

546
00:19:36,967 --> 00:19:40,636
We were both 12, and we used
to sneak out together at night

547
00:19:40,721 --> 00:19:42,722
and hunt bullfrogs and...

548
00:19:43,098 --> 00:19:44,682
I'm sorry.
I dropped a line.

549
00:19:44,766 --> 00:19:46,142
I know I keep
tripping over it.

550
00:19:46,226 --> 00:19:47,310
You know what?
You nailed it.

551
00:19:47,394 --> 00:19:49,061
What about the distractions?
Do you have any party tricks?

552
00:19:49,146 --> 00:19:50,479
Party tricks. Yeah, okay.

553
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:52,273
(SHOULDER DISLOCATES)
Oh!

554
00:19:52,441 --> 00:19:53,858
(ALL EXCLAIMING)

555
00:19:54,067 --> 00:19:55,276
Oh, shit.
DORIS: Oh, my God.

556
00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:58,029
So, that's kind of it.

557
00:19:58,113 --> 00:19:59,864
I just need a wall.
No, no, no!

558
00:19:59,990 --> 00:20:01,991
(ALL GROANING)
No, don't, please.

559
00:20:02,409 --> 00:20:03,492
(ALL GROANING)

560
00:20:03,702 --> 00:20:05,703
I got it. There it goes.

561
00:20:06,788 --> 00:20:07,788
Bronstein.

562
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,959
Um, I prepared
the scene from Titanic

563
00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:13,461
where Jack
tries to save Rose...

564
00:20:13,545 --> 00:20:16,797
Stop. We specifically asked for
monologues. We don't want any scenes.

565
00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:18,174
Right, but I thought
that this would...

566
00:20:18,258 --> 00:20:19,300
It said monologue.

567
00:20:19,468 --> 00:20:20,885
This would showcase
my talent. Thank you.

568
00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:23,095
I could read
the part of Rose.

569
00:20:24,556 --> 00:20:26,515
My name is Kip Loyola.

570
00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:28,517
I'm 6'4".

571
00:20:28,810 --> 00:20:29,936
You don't have to...

572
00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:31,145
6'3".

573
00:20:31,813 --> 00:20:34,482
As you can see by my
résumé, I've done tons

574
00:20:34,650 --> 00:20:37,401
(STUTTERING)
of soap operas.

575
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:40,154
Well, uh, did you
prepare anything?

576
00:20:43,075 --> 00:20:45,451
Oh! Shit, baby!

577
00:20:45,535 --> 00:20:47,036
JIMMY: All right.
Did you, uh...

578
00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:48,329
Is that, uh...

579
00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:50,873
Do you have
a distraction

580
00:20:50,958 --> 00:20:53,292
or a party trick
that ties in with this?

581
00:20:56,713 --> 00:20:57,922
Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

582
00:20:58,090 --> 00:20:59,340
Okay, I guess.

583
00:20:59,508 --> 00:21:01,342
That's your...
(GRUNTS)

584
00:21:01,510 --> 00:21:02,718
Hey, this is bullshit, Jimmy.

585
00:21:02,803 --> 00:21:04,553
You promised me
a spot on the team.

586
00:21:04,638 --> 00:21:05,805
Hey, look, O,
it's not like this

587
00:21:05,889 --> 00:21:07,223
is a Single Wing
Ringman thing.

588
00:21:07,307 --> 00:21:08,266
I told you
I need you to drive.

589
00:21:08,350 --> 00:21:09,767
I'm sick of driving.
I want in.

590
00:21:09,851 --> 00:21:11,102
You can't have in
because you don't

591
00:21:11,186 --> 00:21:12,436
have a party trick
distraction, do you?

592
00:21:12,521 --> 00:21:14,272
I told you I've been working
on the talking backwards thing.

593
00:21:14,356 --> 00:21:15,606
Well, no offense, O,
but you've been

594
00:21:15,691 --> 00:21:17,024
saying the same thing
for three months.

595
00:21:17,109 --> 00:21:18,276
Months three
for that saying been

596
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:20,528
you've but O
offense no well yeah.

597
00:21:20,612 --> 00:21:21,821
KIP: That's pretty
fucking cool.

598
00:21:21,947 --> 00:21:23,906
Cool fucking pretty that's.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Whoa!

599
00:21:23,991 --> 00:21:25,283
How much wood
could a woodchuck chuck

600
00:21:25,367 --> 00:21:26,575
if a woodchuck
could chuck wood?

601
00:21:26,702 --> 00:21:27,702
No.

602
00:21:29,705 --> 00:21:31,539
Wood chuck could
chuck wood a if chuck

603
00:21:31,623 --> 00:21:33,416
chuck wood a could
wood much how.

604
00:21:33,667 --> 00:21:34,709
(LAUGHING)
Oh!

605
00:21:35,961 --> 00:21:37,128
Okay, that'll do.

606
00:21:37,212 --> 00:21:38,337
Do that'll okay.

607
00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:40,131
Put a sock in it.
We're done.

608
00:21:40,215 --> 00:21:41,382
Sock on put.

609
00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:46,429
Try the Roquefort
Buttermilk.

610
00:21:47,723 --> 00:21:48,681
(GAGS)

611
00:21:48,765 --> 00:21:50,224
Is it too tangy?

612
00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:52,059
Uh, maybe a little.
A little?

613
00:21:52,144 --> 00:21:54,478
Do you have something, maybe, a
little less harsh? 'Cause he's like...

614
00:21:54,563 --> 00:21:57,023
I can offer you
the Algonquin Ranch.

615
00:21:57,107 --> 00:21:58,232
Okay, give me one second.

616
00:21:58,317 --> 00:22:00,901
Ray. A. R., ASAP.

617
00:22:01,028 --> 00:22:04,447
Okay, honey, we're all set tomorrow.
Brunch at my parents' house.

618
00:22:04,531 --> 00:22:07,742
Oh, yeah. Oh, sweetie,
I thought I told you that

619
00:22:08,035 --> 00:22:11,037
I got to, uh, hit the office
tomorrow. I'm sorry.

620
00:22:11,121 --> 00:22:13,622
Oh, no, no. Edmundo's bringing
some more appetizer samples.

621
00:22:13,707 --> 00:22:15,916
You know I can't make
a decision without you.

622
00:22:16,084 --> 00:22:17,084
(SIGHS)

623
00:22:17,252 --> 00:22:19,795
Damn it. I was going to
keep this a surprise, but...

624
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:22,173
What? Bic is flying in tomorrow morning.

625
00:22:22,257 --> 00:22:23,507
Bic? The Bic?

626
00:22:23,592 --> 00:22:24,800
Yeah. I have to go pick
him up from the airport.

627
00:22:24,885 --> 00:22:26,135
You aren't kidding!
Oh, I'm so excited!

628
00:22:26,219 --> 00:22:27,386
I wanted to keep
it a surprise.

629
00:22:27,471 --> 00:22:29,430
This is so great.
Bring him to lunch with you.

630
00:22:29,514 --> 00:22:32,475
No! No. No, I can't.
Why are you yelling?

631
00:22:32,559 --> 00:22:34,602
I'm sorry. I just, uh...

632
00:22:34,686 --> 00:22:36,270
I can't do that
because, um,

633
00:22:36,355 --> 00:22:38,189
we have so much
catching up to do.

634
00:22:38,273 --> 00:22:39,440
Oh, come on. Bring Bic.

635
00:22:39,524 --> 00:22:41,484
I want him to help us decide
on all these fun things.

636
00:22:41,568 --> 00:22:44,528
(STAMMERS) No, I don't know
that that's... He can't...

637
00:22:44,613 --> 00:22:45,988
Listen to me.
He is your best man

638
00:22:46,073 --> 00:22:47,323
and I have
never met him, okay?

639
00:22:47,449 --> 00:22:49,116
You cannot tell me
he's flying in and not

640
00:22:49,201 --> 00:22:51,243
bring him to lunch tomorrow.
Are you crazy?

641
00:22:51,495 --> 00:22:52,578
(STAMMERS) Okay.

642
00:22:52,704 --> 00:22:55,790
Take my hand. I'll pull you in. No!

643
00:22:56,124 --> 00:22:59,502
Stay where you are.
I mean it. I'll let go.

644
00:22:59,586 --> 00:23:00,586
Oh.

645
00:23:00,962 --> 00:23:02,171
(GRUNTS)
(STRAINING)

646
00:23:07,219 --> 00:23:09,720
BOTH:
♪ Near, far... ♪

647
00:23:09,888 --> 00:23:12,556
Hey. Doug's on line one.
Something's wrong.

648
00:23:13,392 --> 00:23:14,600
What's going on, Tonto?

649
00:23:14,684 --> 00:23:16,936
DOUG: Hey, there.
We've got a bit of a problem.

650
00:23:18,313 --> 00:23:20,314
What the hell were you
thinking? She cornered me.

651
00:23:20,399 --> 00:23:22,441
Doug, in the future, if
somebody asks you something

652
00:23:22,567 --> 00:23:24,777
that boxes you in, you
boomerang it. "Boomerang"?

653
00:23:24,861 --> 00:23:27,071
You respond with either a
compliment or a question.

654
00:23:27,155 --> 00:23:28,948
Compliments are for women.
Questions are for men.

655
00:23:29,032 --> 00:23:30,449
If I were to ask you
something about Bic

656
00:23:30,534 --> 00:23:31,575
that you and I
haven't discussed,

657
00:23:31,660 --> 00:23:32,618
what would you say, Doug?

658
00:23:32,702 --> 00:23:36,163
You're, um, very handsome.
Thank you, Doug.

659
00:23:36,581 --> 00:23:37,915
That's a compliment.

660
00:23:37,999 --> 00:23:40,584
Compliments are for women,
questions are for men.

661
00:23:40,669 --> 00:23:41,794
You throw out random words.

662
00:23:41,878 --> 00:23:43,421
You're confusing me
a lot right now.

663
00:23:43,505 --> 00:23:44,755
You use random words
that will distract them

664
00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:45,923
from the original question.

665
00:23:46,007 --> 00:23:47,049
Random words.

666
00:23:47,134 --> 00:23:49,051
We have 18 hours to prepare for
this brunch with the Palmers.

667
00:23:49,136 --> 00:23:51,595
Which means we have 18 hours
for a Shotgun Intro.

668
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:52,638
Let's get to work.

669
00:23:52,722 --> 00:23:53,848
You want to start off
with the HW2's.

670
00:23:53,932 --> 00:23:55,641
DOUG: Right.
The how-where-whats.

671
00:23:55,725 --> 00:23:56,851
These are the three
basic questions

672
00:23:56,935 --> 00:23:58,686
that everyone I encounter
as Bic are going to ask.

673
00:23:58,770 --> 00:24:01,188
How did we meet? Where
am I from? What do I do?

674
00:24:01,356 --> 00:24:03,816
If we know nothing else,
we can tread enough water

675
00:24:03,900 --> 00:24:06,277
to fake a stomach cramp and
run away. How did we meet?

676
00:24:06,361 --> 00:24:08,612
Uh, freshman year,
Stanford.

677
00:24:08,697 --> 00:24:10,573
That means I'm smart.
Shit. Where am I from?

678
00:24:10,657 --> 00:24:12,366
I never said.
North Dakota.

679
00:24:12,492 --> 00:24:14,368
Why North Dakota? Do you
know anybody in North Dakota?

680
00:24:14,453 --> 00:24:16,162
No.
Nobody does. What do I do?

681
00:24:16,288 --> 00:24:18,414
You're in the military. That a
boy. See, now you're thinking.

682
00:24:18,498 --> 00:24:19,915
No address, no phone number.

683
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:21,709
And chicks dig
the uniform shit.

684
00:24:21,793 --> 00:24:23,294
It's going to be like
shooting fish in a barrel.

685
00:24:23,378 --> 00:24:25,296
Actually, I, uh, don't
think you're going to be

686
00:24:25,380 --> 00:24:27,131
shooting any fish
in this particular barrel.

687
00:24:27,215 --> 00:24:28,382
An Army guy
that's the best man

688
00:24:28,467 --> 00:24:29,633
not hitting on
the bridesmaids?

689
00:24:29,718 --> 00:24:30,968
They'll think
I'm a homosexual.

690
00:24:31,052 --> 00:24:32,219
Well, uh, actually...

691
00:24:32,304 --> 00:24:34,430
Well, actually, what? You told
them I'm a homosexual, Doug?

692
00:24:34,514 --> 00:24:36,474
No. No, not that,
per se.

693
00:24:36,558 --> 00:24:38,184
What, per se, Doug?
Tell me.

694
00:24:38,435 --> 00:24:41,103
Bic Mitchum is actually
Father Bic Mitchum.

695
00:24:41,271 --> 00:24:42,771
You told them
I'm a fucking priest, Doug?

696
00:24:42,856 --> 00:24:45,024
Well, actually, it was
Gretchen who said it.

697
00:24:45,108 --> 00:24:46,692
You told Gretchen
I'm a fucking priest, Doug?

698
00:24:46,776 --> 00:24:47,943
No. Gretchen said...

699
00:24:48,028 --> 00:24:49,320
There was nothing else
that popped into your head?

700
00:24:49,404 --> 00:24:50,988
At the time I thought it
was a really smart idea.

701
00:24:51,072 --> 00:24:52,031
A fucking priest?

702
00:24:52,115 --> 00:24:54,909
But now I can see it's going
to upset you. A fucking priest?

703
00:24:55,035 --> 00:24:58,913
Fuck! Fuck, shit, bitch,
dick, ass! No. No, you can't.

704
00:24:58,997 --> 00:25:00,623
Oh, well, I have to
get them all out now

705
00:25:00,707 --> 00:25:02,166
because I'm a fucking
priest and I can't

706
00:25:02,250 --> 00:25:03,918
cuss around
your family, Doug. Fuck!

707
00:25:04,044 --> 00:25:06,003
Oh, come on.
That's the last one.

708
00:25:06,588 --> 00:25:08,005
(JIMMY READING)

709
00:25:08,089 --> 00:25:09,965
Jill Abromowitz,
freshman year.

710
00:25:10,091 --> 00:25:12,051
Far-sighted or
near-sighted? Far-sighted.

711
00:25:12,219 --> 00:25:14,762
Okay. Wait, let me
finish. And near-sighted.

712
00:25:15,972 --> 00:25:17,348
Do you supinate or pronate? What?

713
00:25:17,474 --> 00:25:19,600
Does your foot roll
inward or outward? Outward.

714
00:25:19,768 --> 00:25:21,185
Okay, that explains
the weight gain.

715
00:25:22,145 --> 00:25:24,230
Pepsi or Coke?
Sunset, full moon?

716
00:25:24,314 --> 00:25:26,023
If you could pick your favorite
superhero, who would it be?

717
00:25:26,107 --> 00:25:27,233
Is Pac-Man a superhero?

718
00:25:27,317 --> 00:25:28,400
No, he's not, Doug.

719
00:25:28,568 --> 00:25:30,861
Stairs or elevators?
Never mind. Forget it.

720
00:25:30,946 --> 00:25:32,905
Okay, Doug, I'm almost happy
right now. What's my name?

721
00:25:32,989 --> 00:25:34,698
That would be Bic
Mitchum. Where am I from?

722
00:25:34,783 --> 00:25:35,866
You're from North Dakota.

723
00:25:35,951 --> 00:25:37,034
Ask me why you're
from North Dakota.

724
00:25:37,118 --> 00:25:38,327
Tell me why I'm
from North Dakota.

725
00:25:38,411 --> 00:25:40,704
Because who the fuck knows
anybody from North Dakota?

726
00:25:40,789 --> 00:25:42,289
I want to hear my name
again. What's my name?

727
00:25:42,374 --> 00:25:44,500
Oh, you are motherfucking
Bic Mitchum! Rhythm.

728
00:25:44,584 --> 00:25:45,960
BOTH: Motherfucking
Bic Mitchum.

729
00:25:46,044 --> 00:25:48,796
Motherfucking Bic Mitchum.
Motherfucking... (EXCLAIMS)

730
00:25:49,047 --> 00:25:50,047
What are your phobias?

731
00:25:50,131 --> 00:25:51,465
Uh, I fear raccoons.

732
00:25:51,550 --> 00:25:52,633
Favorite sport, Doug?

733
00:25:52,717 --> 00:25:55,344
Baseball. And I love
women's basketball.

734
00:25:56,346 --> 00:25:58,889
Come on, we're getting
too tired. Up. Yes.

735
00:25:59,599 --> 00:26:00,933
(BOTH GRUNTING)

736
00:26:01,017 --> 00:26:02,184
JIMMY: Oh, shit.

737
00:26:04,896 --> 00:26:07,106
Doug! Doug!

738
00:26:07,315 --> 00:26:09,567
Get up. Get your ass up. We're
going to be late for brunch.

739
00:26:09,651 --> 00:26:10,693
Oh, shit!

740
00:26:11,194 --> 00:26:12,444
JIMMY: When you get
backed into a corner,

741
00:26:12,529 --> 00:26:14,488
remember your compliments,
boomerang, random words.

742
00:26:14,573 --> 00:26:15,573
DOUG: Use random words.

743
00:26:15,657 --> 00:26:17,783
Specifically, which
random words should I use?

744
00:26:18,034 --> 00:26:21,161
Any random words. Just be
yourself, Doug. You'll be all right.

745
00:26:21,246 --> 00:26:22,746
What if they start
asking too many questions?

746
00:26:22,831 --> 00:26:24,707
I mean, you hardly
even know me.

747
00:26:24,791 --> 00:26:26,917
Except for the fact that
you prefer showers to baths,

748
00:26:27,002 --> 00:26:28,377
Pac-Man's your favorite
superhero even though

749
00:26:28,461 --> 00:26:29,795
Pac-Man's not
a superhero at all,

750
00:26:29,879 --> 00:26:31,964
you're far-sighted and you're
near-sighted, you supinate,

751
00:26:32,048 --> 00:26:34,592
you prefer full moons over
sunsets, you're afraid of raccoons,

752
00:26:34,676 --> 00:26:36,552
you love women's basketball,
you iron your boxers,

753
00:26:36,636 --> 00:26:37,636
finished third
on the bar exam,

754
00:26:37,721 --> 00:26:38,721
eat American,
but prefer cheddar,

755
00:26:38,805 --> 00:26:40,931
you're against the designated
hitter, believe in life after death,

756
00:26:41,016 --> 00:26:42,725
and you played the violin
until you were 19 years old.

757
00:26:42,809 --> 00:26:45,185
Which is the same year that you lost
your virginity to Jill Abromowitz.

758
00:26:45,770 --> 00:26:46,770
Let's go, man.

759
00:26:46,855 --> 00:26:47,855
That will work.

760
00:26:48,356 --> 00:26:51,025
You follow my lead. You
talk as little as you can.

761
00:26:51,109 --> 00:26:54,278
Short answers. You don't
initiate conversation. Wi-Wo.

762
00:26:54,529 --> 00:26:56,363
"Wi-Wo"?
We're in, we're out.

763
00:26:56,448 --> 00:26:57,823
Oh. Wi-Wo.

764
00:26:57,907 --> 00:26:59,658
Wait, wait, wait.
What?

765
00:26:59,909 --> 00:27:01,744
I'm getting a little
nauseous, man. What?

766
00:27:01,870 --> 00:27:03,746
I think I'm in over
my head, Doug. No, no.

767
00:27:03,830 --> 00:27:05,706
This is a lot. You're
talking about a whole family.

768
00:27:05,790 --> 00:27:07,041
I've never done
a goddamn whole family.

769
00:27:07,125 --> 00:27:08,459
You're telling me
this now?

770
00:27:08,543 --> 00:27:09,710
What's your last name?

771
00:27:09,794 --> 00:27:10,919
Harris. Doug Harris.

772
00:27:11,004 --> 00:27:12,463
Oh, shit!
I thought it was Angley.

773
00:27:12,547 --> 00:27:14,131
What? Who's Angley?

774
00:27:14,215 --> 00:27:16,216
I have to go, buddy.
No!

775
00:27:16,301 --> 00:27:17,468
I'm fucking with you.

776
00:27:17,552 --> 00:27:18,969
Don't do that.
All right, relax.

777
00:27:19,054 --> 00:27:20,137
That was a really
shitty thing to do.

778
00:27:20,221 --> 00:27:22,389
Ring the bell, rookie.
Come on.

779
00:27:22,641 --> 00:27:24,141
You guys have to understand
that I come from

780
00:27:24,225 --> 00:27:25,726
a very dark past.

781
00:27:25,810 --> 00:27:27,311
And by dark,
of course I'm referring

782
00:27:27,395 --> 00:27:29,396
to my drug use.
I was on everything.

783
00:27:29,564 --> 00:27:32,066
At one point, the only good
vein I had was between my toes.

784
00:27:32,233 --> 00:27:34,860
Crystal meth. I'm not sure if
any of you guys can relate to it.

785
00:27:34,944 --> 00:27:36,278
Grandma,
I've seen your teeth.

786
00:27:36,363 --> 00:27:37,571
Maybe you can, or can't.

787
00:27:37,697 --> 00:27:41,033
But the Lord says, "Don't
judgeth upon what happens,

788
00:27:41,117 --> 00:27:43,410
"but what happens upon
what can't be judged. "

789
00:27:43,495 --> 00:27:44,662
Which means, yes,

790
00:27:44,746 --> 00:27:46,038
I may have been to a point

791
00:27:46,122 --> 00:27:47,915
where I was sucking
dick for money.

792
00:27:48,083 --> 00:27:51,335
But that day when I woke up
face down in that snowbank,

793
00:27:51,503 --> 00:27:52,670
I didn't know where I was.

794
00:27:52,754 --> 00:27:54,630
I didn't even know
who I was.

795
00:27:54,798 --> 00:27:55,964
And I remember
squinting because

796
00:27:56,049 --> 00:27:57,549
I was being blinded
by this bright light.

797
00:27:57,634 --> 00:27:58,634
I couldn't see a thing.

798
00:27:58,718 --> 00:28:02,096
And when I finally opened
my eyes, I saw Jesus.

799
00:28:02,180 --> 00:28:03,472
You saw Jesus?

800
00:28:03,556 --> 00:28:04,807
Oh, I saw Jesus.

801
00:28:05,058 --> 00:28:08,143
He was in Mary's arms in the
nativity scene at St. Michael's.

802
00:28:08,687 --> 00:28:11,647
And I wept. But they
weren't tears of pain.

803
00:28:11,731 --> 00:28:12,898
These were tears of joy.

804
00:28:12,982 --> 00:28:14,775
From having found
my path, of course.

805
00:28:14,859 --> 00:28:16,151
So, Father...

806
00:28:16,236 --> 00:28:17,653
Call me Bic, please.

807
00:28:17,737 --> 00:28:20,364
What made you decide
to go into the military?

808
00:28:20,448 --> 00:28:22,157
Mmm.
That's a great question.

809
00:28:22,242 --> 00:28:24,535
Some people are called on
to serve God.

810
00:28:24,619 --> 00:28:26,203
Others are called
to serve our country.

811
00:28:26,454 --> 00:28:28,205
Those who are
chosen to serve both,

812
00:28:28,289 --> 00:28:29,707
they're called
Army chaplains.

813
00:28:30,083 --> 00:28:32,418
I got a two-way call
from the big fellow himself.

814
00:28:32,502 --> 00:28:33,794
(LAUGHING)

815
00:28:33,878 --> 00:28:35,546
A priest in the military.
Yeah.

816
00:28:35,630 --> 00:28:37,589
It's interesting.
Do they have a "don't ask,

817
00:28:37,674 --> 00:28:39,883
don't tell" policy
on child molesting?

818
00:28:40,009 --> 00:28:41,093
(COUGHS)
Dad!

819
00:28:41,428 --> 00:28:42,970
(LAUGHING)

820
00:28:44,431 --> 00:28:45,764
(HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHING)

821
00:28:50,061 --> 00:28:51,895
Oh, it's okay. It's okay.

822
00:28:51,980 --> 00:28:55,274
That's pretty good. I've never heard
that one. Now, that's a good one.

823
00:28:55,400 --> 00:28:56,525
Well, I try.

824
00:28:56,693 --> 00:28:58,068
Clever.
No, it wasn't.

825
00:28:58,153 --> 00:28:59,361
Somebody call the firemen

826
00:28:59,446 --> 00:29:01,363
because this is hot,
hot, hot! Okay?

827
00:29:01,489 --> 00:29:02,906
Do not touch.
(LAUGHING)

828
00:29:04,117 --> 00:29:06,326
So, listen,
if you opt against

829
00:29:06,411 --> 00:29:07,995
the Russian
mushroom bisque,

830
00:29:08,079 --> 00:29:10,914
we can always go into
a more rustic theme

831
00:29:10,999 --> 00:29:12,708
with the Chilean chili.

832
00:29:13,042 --> 00:29:14,793
I'll be back
with the croutons.

833
00:29:14,961 --> 00:29:18,630
So, Bic, uh, where are
you from originally?

834
00:29:18,715 --> 00:29:20,340
Originally? North Dakota.

835
00:29:20,717 --> 00:29:22,926
Oh, no kidding. What town? Henderson.

836
00:29:23,011 --> 00:29:24,636
I've never heard
of Henderson.

837
00:29:24,721 --> 00:29:26,221
Oh, Henderson's
a very small town, Ed.

838
00:29:26,306 --> 00:29:28,015
Oh, where is it
in relation to Bismarck?

839
00:29:29,768 --> 00:29:30,934
Are you familiar
with North Dakota?

840
00:29:31,019 --> 00:29:32,603
Ed's uncle has
a ranch up there.

841
00:29:32,771 --> 00:29:34,980
Wow! That is something
to know, there.

842
00:29:35,064 --> 00:29:37,274
Uh, no, it's actually on the
opposite side of Bismarck.

843
00:29:37,358 --> 00:29:39,485
You have Bismarck here,
but once you go around...

844
00:29:39,569 --> 00:29:41,111
You know the tunnel.
It's right there.

845
00:29:41,196 --> 00:29:42,488
Bismarck's in the middle.

846
00:29:42,614 --> 00:29:44,990
When you said "middle", all I
saw was Rita Hayworth. (CHUCKLES)

847
00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:47,034
I mean, there's a striking
resemblance, isn't it?

848
00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:48,285
Oh, thank you, Father.

849
00:29:48,369 --> 00:29:49,536
No, there isn't.

850
00:29:49,913 --> 00:29:52,080
So, Doug,
when was the last time

851
00:29:52,165 --> 00:29:54,166
that you and Bic
saw each other?

852
00:29:56,211 --> 00:29:57,753
March.
March?

853
00:29:57,837 --> 00:29:58,962
Well, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

854
00:29:59,047 --> 00:30:01,215
Because, see, in March...
April, I was in the Middle East.

855
00:30:01,299 --> 00:30:03,801
Muffin juice. After that
is when I was training.

856
00:30:03,885 --> 00:30:04,927
Cottage cheese helmet.

857
00:30:05,053 --> 00:30:06,929
And from there is
when I was traveling,

858
00:30:07,013 --> 00:30:08,055
so you're talking
three, four...

859
00:30:08,181 --> 00:30:10,057
Three, four, six, seven months
ago... six, seven years ago.

860
00:30:10,141 --> 00:30:11,141
Years ago.

861
00:30:11,226 --> 00:30:13,185
Honey, I thought you saw Bic at
the Vatican a couple years ago.

862
00:30:13,269 --> 00:30:14,269
Wait, what did you say?

863
00:30:14,354 --> 00:30:16,271
When you were in Rome,
you and Bic.

864
00:30:16,439 --> 00:30:18,941
Oh, boy, that's right.
Because you left in March.

865
00:30:19,025 --> 00:30:20,609
Red-hot pussy seltzer.

866
00:30:21,236 --> 00:30:22,694
(GASPS)
Right? Right. Yeah.

867
00:30:22,779 --> 00:30:23,779
That sounds right.

868
00:30:23,863 --> 00:30:25,197
What did you just say?
DOUG: Hmm?

869
00:30:25,281 --> 00:30:27,533
I think you said,
"Red-hot pussy seltzer. "

870
00:30:27,617 --> 00:30:29,743
Why would you say that?
ED: Red-hot pussy seltzer?

871
00:30:30,787 --> 00:30:31,787
GRETCHEN: Honey?

872
00:30:32,413 --> 00:30:34,456
What's 34 times 12?
408.

873
00:30:35,375 --> 00:30:36,667
Shit, I didn't expect
an answer that quick.

874
00:30:36,751 --> 00:30:37,751
Breathe, Doug.

875
00:30:37,877 --> 00:30:39,586
Baby, what is going on
with you? (CLEARS THROAT)

876
00:30:39,754 --> 00:30:40,796
DOUG: I, uh...

877
00:30:41,714 --> 00:30:42,756
I, um...

878
00:30:43,925 --> 00:30:45,676
I have to be
honest with you guys.

879
00:30:46,344 --> 00:30:47,511
Oh, my God!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)

880
00:30:48,555 --> 00:30:49,763
(SCREAMING)
(ALL GASP)

881
00:30:49,848 --> 00:30:51,473
Honey?
Shit, that burns!

882
00:30:51,766 --> 00:30:54,268
Guys, that was so hot.
I'm sorry, Doug. It burns!

883
00:30:54,435 --> 00:30:55,602
Oh, God!

884
00:30:55,687 --> 00:30:57,229
Sorry. I didn't know
it was that hot, guys.

885
00:30:57,397 --> 00:30:58,856
I'm so sorry.
It's okay.

886
00:30:59,023 --> 00:31:00,858
GRANDMA: I'm on fire!
JIMMY: Oh, my God!

887
00:31:01,025 --> 00:31:03,902
Shit! No! She's on fire!

888
00:31:04,946 --> 00:31:08,031
It's an inferno!
JIMMY: Holy shit!

889
00:31:09,284 --> 00:31:10,325
(SCREAMING)

890
00:31:10,410 --> 00:31:12,119
I need liquids!
JIMMY: Get back!

891
00:31:12,704 --> 00:31:14,705
ED: Oh, my God!
ALISON: Get something!

892
00:31:15,748 --> 00:31:17,374
It's making it worse!

893
00:31:18,835 --> 00:31:20,836
Give me the tablecloth!

894
00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:22,087
What is wrong with you?

895
00:31:22,171 --> 00:31:23,255
I'm going to get
something else!

896
00:31:23,464 --> 00:31:26,133
She just caught fire
so fast.

897
00:31:26,301 --> 00:31:30,178
Don't feel bad, Doug. She goes
through a can of Aqua Net a day.

898
00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:33,098
Hey, what did they say? Is she
okay? Is she going to be all right?

899
00:31:33,266 --> 00:31:36,226
Gretchen, how do you like your grandma?

900
00:31:36,394 --> 00:31:39,479
What? I love her. You
know that. What happened?

901
00:31:39,564 --> 00:31:41,732
No, I mean, how do you
like her? Medium, well-done?

902
00:31:41,983 --> 00:31:42,941
Oh, my God, Dad.

903
00:31:43,026 --> 00:31:44,192
You can be
such an asshole.

904
00:31:44,277 --> 00:31:45,736
She has some minor burns

905
00:31:45,820 --> 00:31:47,571
to her head, chest,
back, neck, and breasts,

906
00:31:47,655 --> 00:31:49,281
but the doctor says
she's going to be fine.

907
00:31:49,365 --> 00:31:51,074
Oh, thank God. Come
on, let's go see her.

908
00:31:51,451 --> 00:31:53,368
I, uh...
I feel just awful.

909
00:31:53,536 --> 00:31:54,703
Well, shake it off.
If you knew

910
00:31:54,787 --> 00:31:56,079
what the old lady says
behind your back,

911
00:31:56,164 --> 00:31:57,539
you would have
done it on purpose.

912
00:31:57,624 --> 00:32:00,208
But let me say, that was a hell
of a tackle for a tenderfoot.

913
00:32:00,501 --> 00:32:04,087
Tenderfoot? Oh, Douglas was quite
the halfback back in college.

914
00:32:04,255 --> 00:32:06,423
You played football, Doug?
How come you never told me?

915
00:32:06,507 --> 00:32:08,425
I thought you were
just a nerd fan.

916
00:32:08,593 --> 00:32:09,801
(DOUG STAMMERING)

917
00:32:10,303 --> 00:32:13,180
Yeah. Yeah,
intramurals, scrimmage.

918
00:32:13,264 --> 00:32:14,973
We scrimmaged, the boys.

919
00:32:15,058 --> 00:32:18,352
And, you know, I made the all-campus
team a couple times in football.

920
00:32:18,478 --> 00:32:19,978
I was an all-conference
nose tackle.

921
00:32:20,063 --> 00:32:22,147
Half the team's
coming in for the wedding.

922
00:32:22,273 --> 00:32:24,900
Why don't we have a friendly
game of two-hand touch?

923
00:32:25,068 --> 00:32:26,944
You know, the old-timers
versus the groomsmen.

924
00:32:27,028 --> 00:32:28,028
What do you say?

925
00:32:28,154 --> 00:32:30,364
I think that's
quite the invitation, Ed,

926
00:32:30,448 --> 00:32:32,115
but there's
so much going on.

927
00:32:32,200 --> 00:32:34,826
I just feel like
there's not enough time.

928
00:32:34,911 --> 00:32:36,620
Oh, what's
the matter, Bic?

929
00:32:36,704 --> 00:32:39,039
Afraid of getting your asses
kicked by some old-timers?

930
00:32:43,753 --> 00:32:45,212
I don't think so, Pops.

931
00:32:51,427 --> 00:32:54,262
All things considered, not
that bad for a Shotgun Intro.

932
00:32:54,347 --> 00:32:58,225
Not that bad? I just set
Gretchen's grandmother on fire.

933
00:32:58,309 --> 00:33:01,019
Wrong. We sacrificed Grandma
for the sake of the mission.

934
00:33:01,104 --> 00:33:02,145
I feel terrible.

935
00:33:02,230 --> 00:33:04,272
Feelings are irrelevant
in the big con.

936
00:33:04,357 --> 00:33:06,566
What's important is that
our cover wasn't blown.

937
00:33:06,651 --> 00:33:09,236
Every test that we encounter
will be the same, pass or fail.

938
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:11,196
As long as we pass, it
doesn't matter how we do it.

939
00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:13,323
I still can't believe they
actually bought all that.

940
00:33:13,408 --> 00:33:15,617
People believe because
they have no reason not to.

941
00:33:15,702 --> 00:33:16,827
We're going to have to
be on top of our game.

942
00:33:16,911 --> 00:33:18,078
That family was sharp.

943
00:33:18,162 --> 00:33:19,371
Come on,
we've got to go.

944
00:33:19,455 --> 00:33:20,747
I've got some really
important people waiting on us.

945
00:33:22,375 --> 00:33:24,501
(ALL GREETING) JIMMY: Look
who I have? Dougie-Doug-Doug!

946
00:33:24,585 --> 00:33:25,585
ENDO: Dougie Fresh!

947
00:33:25,670 --> 00:33:26,712
Doug, you look great, man.

948
00:33:26,796 --> 00:33:27,838
You're losing weight,
fat ass.

949
00:33:27,922 --> 00:33:29,089
ENDO: Oh, he had to
lose weight.

950
00:33:30,425 --> 00:33:31,758
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
Ow!

951
00:33:32,010 --> 00:33:34,344
All right.
All right, stop.

952
00:33:34,429 --> 00:33:35,470
(ALL LAUGHING)

953
00:33:35,555 --> 00:33:37,055
Who are these people?
What, are you kidding?

954
00:33:37,140 --> 00:33:38,515
You don't recognize these guys? No.

955
00:33:38,599 --> 00:33:40,559
You're looking at your
groomsmen. Come on, man.

956
00:33:40,643 --> 00:33:41,727
Hey, Doug.

957
00:33:45,231 --> 00:33:46,189
How have you been, bro?

958
00:33:46,274 --> 00:33:48,525
Good. Yeah, real good. You?

959
00:33:48,609 --> 00:33:50,027
You know,
same old same old.

960
00:33:50,528 --> 00:33:52,279
(YELLS)
(ALL LAUGHING)

961
00:33:52,572 --> 00:33:54,531
Stop it, man.
Stop it, man.

962
00:33:54,615 --> 00:33:56,450
Every time. Every time.

963
00:33:56,534 --> 00:33:58,118
Jimmy, can I talk to you
for a second?

964
00:33:58,202 --> 00:33:59,953
These guys cannot
be my groomsmen.

965
00:34:00,038 --> 00:34:01,121
JIMMY: What are you
talking about?

966
00:34:01,205 --> 00:34:03,373
For one thing, it looks like
the entire cast of Goonies

967
00:34:03,458 --> 00:34:04,499
grew up and became rapists.

968
00:34:04,584 --> 00:34:05,751
This one in particular
looks like

969
00:34:05,835 --> 00:34:07,502
he just broke out of
a federal fucking prison.

970
00:34:07,587 --> 00:34:09,504
What you need to do is
keep it down because he did.

971
00:34:09,589 --> 00:34:10,797
And he raped
a lot of men in there. Yes.

972
00:34:10,882 --> 00:34:13,050
Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus.

973
00:34:13,134 --> 00:34:15,844
He's got a dark past, but when you
throw a tux on that son of a bitch,

974
00:34:15,928 --> 00:34:17,054
you're not going to
find anybody better.

975
00:34:17,138 --> 00:34:18,638
The Asian
has his dick out.

976
00:34:18,723 --> 00:34:20,182
Endo, put it up.

977
00:34:20,308 --> 00:34:22,017
No. You have to get a new party trick.

978
00:34:22,101 --> 00:34:24,853
People love it.
Is that a third testicle?

979
00:34:24,979 --> 00:34:26,646
Does he have three testicles?
Yeah, I've got three.

980
00:34:26,731 --> 00:34:28,815
How is that a party trick?
That's neither here nor there.

981
00:34:28,900 --> 00:34:30,650
Oh, I'm dead. You didn't
give me a lot of time, man.

982
00:34:30,735 --> 00:34:31,735
Oh, God.

983
00:34:31,819 --> 00:34:33,528
You gave me seven names, I
brought you back seven groomsmen.

984
00:34:33,654 --> 00:34:35,530
I should just call it off.
No! These guys are great, man.

985
00:34:35,615 --> 00:34:38,075
You're looking at the best of the
best. Not the best of the best.

986
00:34:38,159 --> 00:34:40,285
They're the best of
what I had to choose from.

987
00:34:40,495 --> 00:34:42,412
I'm dead.
(STAMMERS)

988
00:34:42,914 --> 00:34:44,247
We've got Dickerson.
Yo.

989
00:34:44,332 --> 00:34:46,291
Dickerson, you're a
lounge singer from Canada.

990
00:34:46,375 --> 00:34:48,794
You perform four nights a
week at the Walleye Nook.

991
00:34:48,878 --> 00:34:51,088
You do a mean Tom Jones.
Now, that part's imperative.

992
00:34:51,172 --> 00:34:52,714
She won't buy it unless
she knows that you can sing.

993
00:34:52,799 --> 00:34:53,882
Doug, I'm not
trying to be rude,

994
00:34:53,966 --> 00:34:55,092
but nobody here
really gives a fuck.

995
00:34:55,176 --> 00:34:56,259
We're just
assigning roles.

996
00:34:56,344 --> 00:34:58,136
We can get all the ancillary
particulars later on.

997
00:34:58,221 --> 00:34:59,304
DORIS: Garvey,
you're a botanist.

998
00:34:59,388 --> 00:35:02,140
You and Doug went to camp together
from 6th grade through 1 Oth.

999
00:35:02,225 --> 00:35:06,520
Rambis, you're a principal at Saint
Peter's Middle School in Provo, Utah.

1000
00:35:06,604 --> 00:35:10,190
And you're a regional racquetball
champion. Lefty, good serve.

1001
00:35:10,525 --> 00:35:11,942
Plunkett, you're a lawyer.

1002
00:35:12,026 --> 00:35:15,278
You specialize in environmental
law with a focus on forestry.

1003
00:35:15,363 --> 00:35:17,364
Carew, you're
a podiatrist in Knoxville.

1004
00:35:17,448 --> 00:35:18,865
Divorced, no kids.

1005
00:35:19,158 --> 00:35:20,909
I have to say, all these
guys seem a little off,

1006
00:35:20,993 --> 00:35:22,661
but you
at least look normal.

1007
00:35:22,745 --> 00:35:24,788
Oh, thanks, Doug,
I appreciate that, man.

1008
00:35:25,206 --> 00:35:27,374
I'm just happy to
(STUTTERS) be here.

1009
00:35:29,043 --> 00:35:30,877
DORIS: Drysdale,
you teach philosophy

1010
00:35:30,962 --> 00:35:32,462
at Bardonia
Community College.

1011
00:35:32,547 --> 00:35:33,588
You're a vegan.

1012
00:35:33,673 --> 00:35:36,800
You're also working on your first
book called The Way of Wonder.

1013
00:35:36,884 --> 00:35:38,718
What the fuck
does that even mean?

1014
00:35:38,803 --> 00:35:41,263
Thanks, Doug,
you fucking asshole.

1015
00:35:41,347 --> 00:35:43,306
DORIS: Alzado, you're
a computer programmer.

1016
00:35:43,391 --> 00:35:44,349
You met Dougie
at a conference

1017
00:35:44,433 --> 00:35:45,475
in Baton Rouge.

1018
00:35:45,601 --> 00:35:46,601
Do you want to trade?

1019
00:35:46,686 --> 00:35:48,019
Hell, yeah. I need
to eat some meat, man.

1020
00:35:48,104 --> 00:35:49,104
This vegan life
isn't for me.

1021
00:35:49,188 --> 00:35:50,897
Hey. There will be
no trading!

1022
00:35:51,023 --> 00:35:53,316
Anything else, Doug? Yeah.
Plunkett's got to be in a wheelchair.

1023
00:35:53,401 --> 00:35:54,734
He was hit by a car.
What?

1024
00:35:54,819 --> 00:35:56,444
(ALL LAUGHING)
Well, it's not funny.

1025
00:35:56,529 --> 00:35:57,654
I'm supposed to crush ass.

1026
00:35:57,738 --> 00:35:59,030
I told him he was
going to crush ass.

1027
00:35:59,115 --> 00:36:00,157
Argh!
JIMMY: Listen up.

1028
00:36:00,241 --> 00:36:02,868
Double check your measurements
and perfect your PTD's, guys.

1029
00:36:03,077 --> 00:36:05,203
"PTD's"? That's your
Party Trick Distractions.

1030
00:36:05,288 --> 00:36:07,205
If you get backed in a corner
and you don't know what to do,

1031
00:36:07,290 --> 00:36:08,331
pull out your PTD.

1032
00:36:08,416 --> 00:36:10,083
Can I do my Cockney accent?

1033
00:36:10,251 --> 00:36:12,711
You're a principal in Utah. Why the
fuck would you have a Cockney accent?

1034
00:36:12,795 --> 00:36:14,462
I could have
moved there, right?

1035
00:36:16,215 --> 00:36:17,799
Any more questions?

1036
00:36:17,884 --> 00:36:19,426
Yeah. When is
the bachelor party?

1037
00:36:19,510 --> 00:36:21,011
I don't see nothing
in the package about it.

1038
00:36:21,095 --> 00:36:22,220
ENDO: That's a good
question. (ALL AGREEING)

1039
00:36:22,305 --> 00:36:24,139
Oh, no, no. There's going
to be no bachelor party.

1040
00:36:24,223 --> 00:36:26,641
Gretchen and I, we both decided
that it was better that we...

1041
00:36:26,767 --> 00:36:30,061
Stop. There's no such thing as a mutual
decision until after you're married.

1042
00:36:30,146 --> 00:36:32,314
Right now, the only "we... "

1043
00:36:32,398 --> 00:36:34,232
GROOMSMEN: Is me and my balls.

1044
00:36:34,400 --> 00:36:35,400
Balls.

1045
00:36:35,693 --> 00:36:37,736
All right, guys, listen up.

1046
00:36:38,613 --> 00:36:42,449
You have one week to know
this information so well,

1047
00:36:42,909 --> 00:36:44,951
it becomes a permanent
part of your memory.

1048
00:36:46,287 --> 00:36:50,373
That means that we've got one
week to pull off the first ever

1049
00:36:51,959 --> 00:36:53,001
Golden Tux.

1050
00:36:54,712 --> 00:36:57,589
Understand something. This
has never been done, gentlemen.

1051
00:37:00,092 --> 00:37:02,427
Let's go make some fucking
history, huh? (GROOMSMEN CHEERING)

1052
00:37:02,511 --> 00:37:04,888
♪ Don't worry about me
I'm gonna make it all right

1053
00:37:04,972 --> 00:37:06,890
♪ Got my enemies
crossed out in my sight

1054
00:37:06,974 --> 00:37:09,267
♪ I take a bad situation
Gonna make it right

1055
00:37:09,435 --> 00:37:10,560
Got it.

1056
00:37:10,645 --> 00:37:12,187
♪ She's not the one
coming back for you

1057
00:37:13,147 --> 00:37:15,148
Hey! Hey,
you son of a bitch!

1058
00:37:15,316 --> 00:37:17,234
Suck it! Suck it!

1059
00:37:17,777 --> 00:37:19,277
You're going to suck it!

1060
00:37:20,655 --> 00:37:21,863
(CAMERA CLICKS)

1061
00:37:23,324 --> 00:37:25,075
(YELLING)
(CAMERA CLICKS)

1062
00:37:26,285 --> 00:37:28,203
♪ If I fall back down

1063
00:37:28,996 --> 00:37:30,163
Hello.

1064
00:37:30,539 --> 00:37:32,958
♪ Well, the worst of times,
now they don't phase me

1065
00:37:33,042 --> 00:37:35,210
♪ Even if I look
and act really crazy

1066
00:37:35,294 --> 00:37:37,045
♪ I went way down,
she betrayed me

1067
00:37:37,505 --> 00:37:41,800
♪ Now my vision is no longer hazy
I'm very lucky to have my crew

1068
00:37:42,134 --> 00:37:44,261
♪ They stood by me
when she flew

1069
00:37:44,345 --> 00:37:46,263
♪ She's not the one
coming back for you

1070
00:37:46,347 --> 00:37:48,431
♪ If I fall back down

1071
00:37:48,516 --> 00:37:50,433
(WHOOPING) ♪ You're gonna
help me back up again

1072
00:37:50,518 --> 00:37:51,977
Classic, Doug!

1073
00:37:52,061 --> 00:37:54,896
♪ If I fall back down,
you're gonna be my friend ♪

1074
00:37:54,981 --> 00:37:56,523
JIMMY: Let's go,
let's go, let's go!

1075
00:37:57,692 --> 00:37:59,192
You got it?
All right, let's go.

1076
00:37:59,277 --> 00:38:00,318
Go, go!

1077
00:38:02,238 --> 00:38:03,530
(DOUG MOANING)

1078
00:38:04,031 --> 00:38:05,031
(AS BRIDE)
What are you doing?

1079
00:38:05,116 --> 00:38:06,866
(AS GROOM) It's a trick
I learned in Vietnam.

1080
00:38:06,951 --> 00:38:08,660
Oh, my God.
What are you doing?

1081
00:38:09,370 --> 00:38:11,496
Just prepping for
a little bit of this.

1082
00:38:11,580 --> 00:38:12,789
Tahiti?

1083
00:38:12,873 --> 00:38:13,832
(SQUEALS)
Voted the number-one

1084
00:38:13,916 --> 00:38:15,625
most romantic
honeymoon destination.

1085
00:38:15,793 --> 00:38:16,793
That's amazing!

1086
00:38:16,877 --> 00:38:17,919
It's going to be incredible.

1087
00:38:18,004 --> 00:38:20,255
Oh, my gosh. Honey, that's... (MOANING)

1088
00:38:20,715 --> 00:38:22,299
Hey, what has gotten
into you this week?

1089
00:38:22,383 --> 00:38:24,217
I've just never
seen you so frisky.

1090
00:38:24,302 --> 00:38:26,011
I just feel really good
about everything.

1091
00:38:26,095 --> 00:38:27,387
We're getting married
on Saturday.

1092
00:38:27,471 --> 00:38:29,389
It's exciting. Your
friends are gonna be there.

1093
00:38:29,473 --> 00:38:30,473
(INHALES) My friends
are all gonna be there.

1094
00:38:30,891 --> 00:38:32,058
I just hope
it all goes smoothly.

1095
00:38:32,143 --> 00:38:33,476
I checked
the 10-day forecast.

1096
00:38:33,644 --> 00:38:36,229
Sweetie, it's LA. It's not
like it's going to rain.

1097
00:38:36,731 --> 00:38:37,981
What the fuck
did you just say?

1098
00:38:38,065 --> 00:38:39,774
Whoa.
Are you kidding?

1099
00:38:39,859 --> 00:38:40,817
What are you doing?

1100
00:38:40,901 --> 00:38:42,277
Why did you say
the fucking R-word?

1101
00:38:42,361 --> 00:38:43,695
(WHISPERING) Shh.
Calm down. Calm down.

1102
00:38:43,821 --> 00:38:45,697
I didn't say it was
going to rain. (GRUNTS)

1103
00:38:46,032 --> 00:38:48,533
You just said it again. This
is twice now in two minutes.

1104
00:38:48,617 --> 00:38:49,909
Are you fucking serious?

1105
00:38:49,994 --> 00:38:50,994
(WHISPERING)
Gretchen, calm down.

1106
00:38:51,078 --> 00:38:54,205
I just don't understand why you
continue to say this stupid shit.

1107
00:38:54,290 --> 00:38:56,416
Okay, you're right. But
you know what? (SIGHS)

1108
00:38:56,917 --> 00:38:59,544
We climbed
the glaciers of what?

1109
00:39:00,212 --> 00:39:01,296
Uh...

1110
00:39:01,380 --> 00:39:03,214
It was... It was, uh...

1111
00:39:03,549 --> 00:39:05,342
It's Patagonia.
Padronia.

1112
00:39:05,426 --> 00:39:06,384
Patagonia.

1113
00:39:06,469 --> 00:39:07,594
Political views?

1114
00:39:07,678 --> 00:39:08,720
Staunch Republican.
Got it.

1115
00:39:08,888 --> 00:39:11,389
Patagonia.
Pagon.

1116
00:39:11,766 --> 00:39:13,850
I'm a doctor.
What type?

1117
00:39:13,934 --> 00:39:16,144
Podiatrist.
Is that right?

1118
00:39:16,228 --> 00:39:18,021
I think that's right.
That's what it says?

1119
00:39:18,105 --> 00:39:19,356
Yeah. I'm a kid doctor.

1120
00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:20,607
No.

1121
00:39:20,733 --> 00:39:22,484
What are your views
on gluten?

1122
00:39:22,568 --> 00:39:23,777
It's a myth.

1123
00:39:23,861 --> 00:39:25,153
Pata...
Pata...

1124
00:39:25,237 --> 00:39:26,237
...go...

1125
00:39:26,572 --> 00:39:29,324
My name is Hobie Plunkett
and I collect...

1126
00:39:29,408 --> 00:39:31,451
Playbills.
Cabbage Patch Kids?

1127
00:39:31,535 --> 00:39:34,204
No, man, it's exotic pets,
you dumb motherfucker.

1128
00:39:34,288 --> 00:39:36,039
Dumb? You can't even say
"Patagonia," you idiot.

1129
00:39:36,123 --> 00:39:37,207
Garvey's family
owns a "blank" farm.

1130
00:39:37,291 --> 00:39:38,249
Chinchillas.

1131
00:39:38,334 --> 00:39:39,667
Nice.

1132
00:39:39,752 --> 00:39:41,586
Hey, come on, we have to
hammer out this toast, man.

1133
00:39:41,670 --> 00:39:42,712
Right.

1134
00:39:42,797 --> 00:39:44,589
They're going to want to
know why she's "the one. "

1135
00:39:44,673 --> 00:39:46,591
It's like a band playing
their most popular song.

1136
00:39:46,675 --> 00:39:47,884
The crowd is just
waiting to hear it.

1137
00:39:47,968 --> 00:39:49,677
Let's start with
the first time you saw her.

1138
00:39:49,762 --> 00:39:52,889
Oh, she was
wearing a dress.

1139
00:39:52,973 --> 00:39:56,643
And she was pretty.

1140
00:39:58,312 --> 00:40:02,065
That's it? Why are you marrying
her? Why are you in love with her?

1141
00:40:02,149 --> 00:40:04,359
What makes her different than
any other girl that you ever met?

1142
00:40:04,443 --> 00:40:06,277
She talked to me.
She talked to you?

1143
00:40:06,362 --> 00:40:08,822
What? Yeah, seriously. Her
dad was a client at the firm.

1144
00:40:08,948 --> 00:40:10,407
I had seen her
a couple of times,

1145
00:40:10,491 --> 00:40:11,908
but she never gave me
the time of day.

1146
00:40:11,992 --> 00:40:15,245
And then one day I ran into
her, and it was just different.

1147
00:40:15,329 --> 00:40:17,747
She knew my name, she asked
me to go get a sandwich.

1148
00:40:17,832 --> 00:40:20,875
You're not helping me.
You have to dig deep.

1149
00:40:20,960 --> 00:40:23,086
Like, "From across the
room, she looked at me

1150
00:40:23,170 --> 00:40:24,546
"and I swear it was like
slow motion.

1151
00:40:24,839 --> 00:40:28,466
"All the room stood still. I closed
my eyes and I reached out my hand,

1152
00:40:28,551 --> 00:40:30,176
"and in return,
I got a soul.

1153
00:40:30,261 --> 00:40:33,012
"And that's when I knew
that we were soul mates. "

1154
00:40:33,097 --> 00:40:34,597
That's what I need, Doug.

1155
00:40:34,682 --> 00:40:36,099
But that's not real.

1156
00:40:36,767 --> 00:40:37,892
(SIGHS)

1157
00:40:39,603 --> 00:40:41,980
All right, Tonto.
Do you want to see real?

1158
00:40:42,356 --> 00:40:43,690
(INDISTINCT TALKING)

1159
00:40:44,191 --> 00:40:45,442
(POUNDING ON DOOR)

1160
00:40:45,526 --> 00:40:47,986
Yo!
Puta madre. I'm coming.

1161
00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:53,032
Hi! Oh, my God!

1162
00:40:53,451 --> 00:40:56,286
What a delightful surprise.

1163
00:40:56,370 --> 00:40:59,164
I wish you would have called
before. My place is a pig sty.

1164
00:40:59,248 --> 00:41:00,582
Eddie. Hey,
Eddie, stop. Stop.

1165
00:41:00,666 --> 00:41:02,167
No mas. He's one of us.

1166
00:41:02,251 --> 00:41:03,293
What the fuck, cabrón?

1167
00:41:03,377 --> 00:41:05,462
Yeah. What the hell
is going on here?

1168
00:41:05,588 --> 00:41:07,714
I want to introduce you
to Dirty Eddie Sanchez.

1169
00:41:09,049 --> 00:41:10,383
His family had
a wedding planning business

1170
00:41:10,468 --> 00:41:12,302
that was one of
the biggest in the city.

1171
00:41:12,386 --> 00:41:15,388
But, after Father of the Bride
came out on DVD and Blu-ray,

1172
00:41:15,723 --> 00:41:17,265
nobody wanted to take advice
from a Mexican kid

1173
00:41:17,349 --> 00:41:18,516
from Boyle Heights.

1174
00:41:18,684 --> 00:41:20,768
So, what he decided to do
was flame it up a little bit.

1175
00:41:21,479 --> 00:41:23,396
Hence, Edmundo.

1176
00:41:23,898 --> 00:41:25,190
Da-da-da-da!

1177
00:41:25,399 --> 00:41:26,608
Business skyrocketed.

1178
00:41:26,692 --> 00:41:29,277
This is so fucked up
on so many levels.

1179
00:41:29,695 --> 00:41:33,448
So, ese, why did you bring him here?

1180
00:41:33,574 --> 00:41:35,158
He's taking this wedding
thing way too seriously.

1181
00:41:35,618 --> 00:41:38,745
All right, look, vato, weddings
are just overblown parties

1182
00:41:38,829 --> 00:41:41,206
direct from women's
unreasonable fantasies

1183
00:41:41,290 --> 00:41:43,583
and preconceived notions
that originated in childhood.

1184
00:41:43,751 --> 00:41:45,668
So, don't sweat the morality
of what you're doing.

1185
00:41:45,753 --> 00:41:48,254
Just make sure the bride
and her mother are happy.

1186
00:41:48,339 --> 00:41:50,048
We're in this together,
homie.

1187
00:41:50,257 --> 00:41:51,257
Is that your girl?

1188
00:41:51,342 --> 00:41:52,717
Fuck no.
That's my sister.

1189
00:41:53,469 --> 00:41:54,719
That's my girl.

1190
00:41:55,012 --> 00:41:56,763
What's up?
Oh, fuck.

1191
00:41:56,847 --> 00:41:58,097
Do you want some nachos?

1192
00:41:58,182 --> 00:41:59,224
I'm actually okay.

1193
00:41:59,308 --> 00:42:00,308
No, I ate before I came.

1194
00:42:00,392 --> 00:42:01,351
I'm sorry.
What did you just ask them?

1195
00:42:01,435 --> 00:42:02,435
I asked them if
they wanted nachos.

1196
00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:03,520
Nachos?

1197
00:42:03,604 --> 00:42:04,687
The guy's getting
married in a week

1198
00:42:04,772 --> 00:42:05,897
and you're gonna
offer him nachos?

1199
00:42:05,981 --> 00:42:08,024
Look at him! What do you think
cheese is going to do to him?

1200
00:42:08,108 --> 00:42:09,234
I thought
they wanted nachos.

1201
00:42:09,318 --> 00:42:10,443
Use your fucking head.

1202
00:42:10,611 --> 00:42:11,694
I'm going to take some.

1203
00:42:11,779 --> 00:42:12,737
Sit down, Jimmy!

1204
00:42:12,821 --> 00:42:14,364
I tried.
(SHOUTING IN SPANISH)

1205
00:42:16,784 --> 00:42:20,036
They've been together for some
time now. Nothing's going to happen.

1206
00:42:20,120 --> 00:42:21,538
What?
Nothing.

1207
00:42:21,622 --> 00:42:23,081
You guys make
a beautiful couple.

1208
00:42:23,165 --> 00:42:24,207
Bitches, right?

1209
00:42:24,416 --> 00:42:25,416
(LAUGHING)

1210
00:42:25,793 --> 00:42:27,502
Do you want some weed?

1211
00:42:27,586 --> 00:42:28,628
No, no, I'm good.

1212
00:42:28,879 --> 00:42:30,838
♪ You put the weed
in the coconut

1213
00:42:30,923 --> 00:42:32,549
♪ And light that shit up

1214
00:42:32,716 --> 00:42:35,301
♪ You put the weed in the
coconut And light that shit up

1215
00:42:35,427 --> 00:42:37,303
Get him to sing it. Come on,
white boy. I'm good, I'm good.

1216
00:42:37,596 --> 00:42:39,639
♪ You put the weed in the
coconut And light that shit up

1217
00:42:39,807 --> 00:42:41,599
You're being disrespectful.
Sing the fucking song.

1218
00:42:41,684 --> 00:42:43,810
♪ You put the weed in the
coconut And light that shit up

1219
00:42:43,936 --> 00:42:46,312
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) ♪ You
put the weed in the coconut

1220
00:42:46,397 --> 00:42:47,730
♪ And light that shit up

1221
00:42:48,065 --> 00:42:53,152
♪ You put the weed
in the coconut ♪

1222
00:42:56,448 --> 00:42:58,658
You two better not
fuck this up.

1223
00:42:58,951 --> 00:43:00,034
DOUG: Why are we here?

1224
00:43:00,119 --> 00:43:01,953
JIMMY: It's called a dry run.
I do it with all my grooms.

1225
00:43:02,037 --> 00:43:03,913
I hate this stuff.

1226
00:43:03,998 --> 00:43:07,709
Hey, that's why we're here.
Groom desensitization, okay?

1227
00:43:07,793 --> 00:43:09,419
That's a rum and Coke.
That's your favorite, right?

1228
00:43:09,503 --> 00:43:10,461
Yeah. How did you know that?

1229
00:43:10,546 --> 00:43:12,171
I know everything, Doug.
Drink up.

1230
00:43:12,256 --> 00:43:14,007
All right, I want you to
keep reminding yourself that

1231
00:43:14,091 --> 00:43:15,133
weddings are for the women.

1232
00:43:15,217 --> 00:43:17,302
You're not supposed
to enjoy yourself, Doug.

1233
00:43:17,386 --> 00:43:19,262
If you were, there
would be big-screen TVs,

1234
00:43:19,346 --> 00:43:20,388
there would be gambling.

1235
00:43:20,472 --> 00:43:21,598
There's none of that there.

1236
00:43:21,682 --> 00:43:23,891
Okay, NAS
and we won't get caught.

1237
00:43:23,976 --> 00:43:25,393
Wait, what?

1238
00:43:25,477 --> 00:43:27,604
(SIGHS) NAS, Doug.

1239
00:43:27,688 --> 00:43:30,857
Nod and smile.
All right? Let's go.

1240
00:43:32,526 --> 00:43:33,526
(MOUTHS)

1241
00:43:34,028 --> 00:43:35,612
You all look good.

1242
00:43:36,864 --> 00:43:37,905
How are you, man?
Oh.

1243
00:43:40,367 --> 00:43:42,702
And I said, well,
put the money in the bag.

1244
00:43:43,203 --> 00:43:44,579
(FEEDBACK)
(GLASS CLINKING)

1245
00:43:44,663 --> 00:43:46,831
Hello.
Uh-oh. Showtime.

1246
00:43:47,207 --> 00:43:48,708
DOUG: Now, is this guy also a pro? Yeah!

1247
00:43:48,792 --> 00:43:50,209
JIMMY: No. This guy
is not a professional.

1248
00:43:50,294 --> 00:43:51,294
(BEATBOXING)

1249
00:43:51,378 --> 00:43:53,379
Just kidding. I'm just
kidding. (GUESTS LAUGHING)

1250
00:43:54,006 --> 00:43:56,424
The moment Chris asked me
to be his best man,

1251
00:43:56,508 --> 00:43:59,552
I sat down and I wrote
a pretty awesome speech.

1252
00:44:00,804 --> 00:44:03,723
But I don't know. I think I'd
rather speak from the heart.

1253
00:44:05,142 --> 00:44:06,142
Oh, don't do that.

1254
00:44:06,226 --> 00:44:07,977
Don't you rip that paper up.
You never do that.

1255
00:44:08,062 --> 00:44:09,520
(CHUCKLES)

1256
00:44:09,855 --> 00:44:12,190
Uh, you know, when Chris...

1257
00:44:13,025 --> 00:44:15,526
When Chris and I
first met, we, um...

1258
00:44:17,404 --> 00:44:18,696
Uh, well...

1259
00:44:19,531 --> 00:44:22,659
Chris and I have known
each other since, uh...

1260
00:44:24,953 --> 00:44:26,162
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

1261
00:44:26,330 --> 00:44:27,497
Mmm-mmm-mmm.

1262
00:44:29,541 --> 00:44:33,336
Chris and I, you know,
we did stuff together.

1263
00:44:34,880 --> 00:44:36,464
(GAGS)
(GUESTS MURMURING)

1264
00:44:37,466 --> 00:44:38,758
He's going to throw up
on the fucking bride.

1265
00:44:38,842 --> 00:44:42,845
And, um, Chris has been
like a brother to me.

1266
00:44:43,263 --> 00:44:46,099
Well, because
my real brother died.

1267
00:44:46,600 --> 00:44:49,018
Well, he didn't die immediately. No.

1268
00:44:49,103 --> 00:44:52,146
They revived him in the
ambulance, and then, he died later.

1269
00:44:52,564 --> 00:44:53,564
(SOFTLY)
Is he serious?

1270
00:44:55,442 --> 00:44:56,776
Adolf Hitler
once said...

1271
00:44:56,860 --> 00:44:58,444
Holy fucking shit.

1272
00:44:59,071 --> 00:45:00,947
Jesus Christ.
BEST MAN: Oh, God.

1273
00:45:01,115 --> 00:45:02,198
I'm just going to...

1274
00:45:02,282 --> 00:45:05,785
There was this one thing
I wanted to reference.

1275
00:45:06,453 --> 00:45:09,455
You know what? Fuck it.
Wolverines, brother!

1276
00:45:09,915 --> 00:45:11,541
I love you. Thank you.

1277
00:45:11,625 --> 00:45:13,126
(FEEDBACK) That's not
even the right way.

1278
00:45:13,210 --> 00:45:14,961
It's not an exit.

1279
00:45:15,754 --> 00:45:17,839
(FEEDBACK SQUEALS)
Okay. One, two...

1280
00:45:19,216 --> 00:45:21,008
♪ Ain't no mountain
high enough ♪

1281
00:45:21,093 --> 00:45:22,969
Are you okay?
Yeah.

1282
00:45:23,303 --> 00:45:25,138
Let's go dance.
No, thanks.

1283
00:45:25,305 --> 00:45:27,390
Douglas, you can hide
a fat ass in baggy pants,

1284
00:45:27,474 --> 00:45:28,933
but you cannot
hide a bad dancer.

1285
00:45:29,017 --> 00:45:30,143
Come on,
I'll teach you some basics.

1286
00:45:30,227 --> 00:45:31,394
I'm not dancing.

1287
00:45:31,478 --> 00:45:33,354
It is my job to make you
look good on your wedding day.

1288
00:45:33,439 --> 00:45:34,522
Now, I need you
to get comfortable

1289
00:45:34,606 --> 00:45:36,482
with being uncomfortable.
Come on.

1290
00:45:37,359 --> 00:45:39,235
Stop being a pussy.
Let's dance.

1291
00:45:44,491 --> 00:45:45,491
Come on, you lead.

1292
00:45:45,576 --> 00:45:46,826
No, I don't want to lead.

1293
00:45:46,910 --> 00:45:48,536
Okay, then, fine,
be the chick, Doug.

1294
00:45:48,996 --> 00:45:51,289
On second thought, I
will lead. Whatever, Doug.

1295
00:45:51,373 --> 00:45:52,415
Just follow me.
I really don't get it.

1296
00:45:52,499 --> 00:45:53,958
(BAND PLAYING TANGO MUSIC)

1297
00:46:02,176 --> 00:46:03,217
Back.

1298
00:46:04,928 --> 00:46:07,221
Nice rond de jambe.
Thanks.

1299
00:46:08,474 --> 00:46:09,766
Twelve years of
dance lessons.

1300
00:46:09,850 --> 00:46:11,976
My mom said, "One day,
they would come in handy. "

1301
00:46:12,269 --> 00:46:13,936
I doubt this is
what she had in mind.

1302
00:46:15,481 --> 00:46:16,731
You asked how
a gal like Gretchen

1303
00:46:16,815 --> 00:46:18,191
could fall for
a yutz like me.

1304
00:46:18,442 --> 00:46:19,650
I took her dancing.

1305
00:46:19,943 --> 00:46:24,489
♪ Whoo! Now can you
hand jive, baby?

1306
00:46:24,573 --> 00:46:27,867
♪ Oh, can you hand jive, baby?

1307
00:46:27,993 --> 00:46:30,870
♪ Oh, yeah

1308
00:46:31,830 --> 00:46:33,039
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪

1309
00:46:33,791 --> 00:46:34,832
♪ Teach me how to dougie

1310
00:46:34,917 --> 00:46:36,209
♪ Teach me, teach me
how to dougie

1311
00:46:36,668 --> 00:46:37,668
♪ Teach me how to dougie

1312
00:46:37,753 --> 00:46:39,378
♪ Teach me, teach me
how to dougie

1313
00:46:39,463 --> 00:46:40,505
♪ All my women love me

1314
00:46:40,589 --> 00:46:42,089
♪ All my...
All my women love me

1315
00:46:42,174 --> 00:46:43,216
♪ All my women love me

1316
00:46:43,300 --> 00:46:44,842
♪ You ain't messing
with my dougie

1317
00:46:44,927 --> 00:46:46,093
♪ Teach me how to dougie

1318
00:46:46,178 --> 00:46:47,386
♪ Teach me, teach me
how to dougie

1319
00:46:47,471 --> 00:46:48,805
(GUESTS CHEERING)
♪ Teach me how to dougie

1320
00:46:48,889 --> 00:46:50,223
♪ Teach me, teach me
how to dougie ♪

1321
00:46:50,641 --> 00:46:52,600
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la

1322
00:46:52,726 --> 00:46:57,271
♪ La, la, la, la

1323
00:47:00,734 --> 00:47:04,070
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la

1324
00:47:04,196 --> 00:47:06,322
♪ La, la, la, la

1325
00:47:07,199 --> 00:47:08,241
(WHISPERING)
You bastard.

1326
00:47:11,245 --> 00:47:14,747
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la

1327
00:47:15,374 --> 00:47:18,543
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
Oh.

1328
00:47:19,294 --> 00:47:20,920
(SWING MUSIC PLAYING)

1329
00:47:22,589 --> 00:47:23,881
(ALL CHEERING)

1330
00:47:43,819 --> 00:47:45,611
(MUSIC STOPS)
(GUESTS CHEERING)

1331
00:47:48,574 --> 00:47:49,824
Hey!

1332
00:47:53,203 --> 00:47:56,747
JIMMY: So, I get a call out of
nowhere, a guy I went to school with.

1333
00:47:56,915 --> 00:47:58,833
I barely even knew the kid.

1334
00:47:58,917 --> 00:48:02,420
He goes,
"I just got engaged. "

1335
00:48:02,629 --> 00:48:05,798
Naturally, I go, "Great.
Congratulations. "

1336
00:48:07,426 --> 00:48:10,511
Then, he says,
"Can you be my best man?"

1337
00:48:10,596 --> 00:48:12,138
I barely knew the kid.

1338
00:48:12,222 --> 00:48:14,307
Wow, that is so weird.

1339
00:48:14,391 --> 00:48:16,684
So, I get to thinking, "What's
the worst that can happen?"

1340
00:48:16,852 --> 00:48:19,645
The guy's wedding party
consisted of me,

1341
00:48:20,564 --> 00:48:22,148
the bride's brother,

1342
00:48:22,649 --> 00:48:25,151
and this Filipino
exchange student.

1343
00:48:25,611 --> 00:48:27,528
And it was so sad, Doug.

1344
00:48:27,613 --> 00:48:30,072
Everybody is thinking,
"Why in the hell

1345
00:48:30,157 --> 00:48:32,325
"would this woman
marry this loser?"

1346
00:48:32,409 --> 00:48:35,912
So, I grab the microphone and
I just get to talking about

1347
00:48:35,996 --> 00:48:40,666
how we climbed the Himalayas,
how we fished for sharks,

1348
00:48:41,001 --> 00:48:43,836
how this guy saved me in
a barroom brawl one time.

1349
00:48:43,921 --> 00:48:45,338
So much bullshit.

1350
00:48:45,672 --> 00:48:50,009
And I look over and I see the
bride. She's got his arm, Doug.

1351
00:48:50,093 --> 00:48:53,137
She's got his arm so tight
and she's glowing.

1352
00:48:53,513 --> 00:48:56,015
Because she's marrying
this amazing guy.

1353
00:48:56,099 --> 00:48:59,101
This man comes up
to me and goes, "Wow.

1354
00:49:00,020 --> 00:49:01,854
"I would pay money

1355
00:49:02,356 --> 00:49:05,024
"to have somebody talk like
that about me at my wedding. "

1356
00:49:06,193 --> 00:49:07,360
Light bulb.

1357
00:49:08,028 --> 00:49:11,489
That's the day that this
wedding hustle was born.

1358
00:49:11,573 --> 00:49:14,533
That's the day that I
became The Wedding Ringer.

1359
00:49:16,495 --> 00:49:17,662
(CHUCKLES)

1360
00:49:21,917 --> 00:49:23,042
I, uh...

1361
00:49:23,126 --> 00:49:27,213
Now, I don't want you to think
that I'm some sort of schmuck

1362
00:49:27,297 --> 00:49:28,839
who doesn't have
any friends.

1363
00:49:28,924 --> 00:49:29,924
No.

1364
00:49:30,050 --> 00:49:31,634
You know, my father,

1365
00:49:31,718 --> 00:49:33,636
he was an international
tax attorney, right?

1366
00:49:33,720 --> 00:49:35,972
So, we moved around
all the time.

1367
00:49:37,349 --> 00:49:40,309
I went to 13 different
schools by the eighth grade.

1368
00:49:40,394 --> 00:49:42,061
I lived on four
different continents.

1369
00:49:42,187 --> 00:49:44,730
And after a while
I just figured,

1370
00:49:45,649 --> 00:49:47,274
"Why even make
friends anymore?

1371
00:49:47,734 --> 00:49:50,361
"I'm just going to have to
move, anyway. What's the point?"

1372
00:49:50,862 --> 00:49:55,449
And then, when my dad died,
I took over the business.

1373
00:49:56,076 --> 00:49:59,078
I was just working so much.
I was working too much.

1374
00:50:00,497 --> 00:50:02,206
Am I a loser?

1375
00:50:04,167 --> 00:50:05,251
No.

1376
00:50:06,420 --> 00:50:08,045
This is what you have
to understand, Doug.

1377
00:50:10,257 --> 00:50:12,383
Some people are just loners.

1378
00:50:13,677 --> 00:50:15,094
It's that simple, man.

1379
00:50:16,221 --> 00:50:17,930
Maybe I don't
want to be.

1380
00:50:18,181 --> 00:50:21,434
Maybe I just want someone
to grab a beer with,

1381
00:50:23,186 --> 00:50:26,564
to go on
a cool guy trip with.

1382
00:50:27,649 --> 00:50:29,442
You've never been
on a guy trip, Doug?

1383
00:50:30,444 --> 00:50:34,739
Cabo, Cancun, spring break? You've
never done anything like that?

1384
00:50:35,073 --> 00:50:37,366
I never really had
anyone to go with.

1385
00:50:45,375 --> 00:50:46,792
Good night, Tonto.

1386
00:50:48,462 --> 00:50:49,962
I gotta say,
it feels really good

1387
00:50:50,047 --> 00:50:51,589
to have somebody
looking out for me.

1388
00:50:51,882 --> 00:50:53,132
I got your back, man.

1389
00:50:53,341 --> 00:50:56,802
I like that.
And I got your back, too.

1390
00:51:03,143 --> 00:51:04,477
Hey, Doug.

1391
00:51:04,853 --> 00:51:06,854
I like you, man.
I think you're a great guy.

1392
00:51:07,022 --> 00:51:09,315
I just want you to remember that
this is a business relationship.

1393
00:51:09,775 --> 00:51:11,400
It doesn't mean that we're
going to be best friends.

1394
00:51:11,485 --> 00:51:12,902
That's not how
this story ends.

1395
00:51:13,487 --> 00:51:15,780
I'm just an employee with
a job to do. I get it.

1396
00:51:16,239 --> 00:51:19,116
You're not my best friend.
You're just my best man.

1397
00:51:19,201 --> 00:51:20,618
In one week,
Bic will be on a plane

1398
00:51:20,702 --> 00:51:22,078
headed back to
the Middle East.

1399
00:51:22,162 --> 00:51:24,663
Three months from now, he'll get
killed in a tragic grenade accident

1400
00:51:24,748 --> 00:51:27,666
while giving an impromptu
sermon on the back of a Humvee.

1401
00:51:29,836 --> 00:51:32,129
It doesn't mean that we're not
going to have a good time, Doug.

1402
00:51:32,214 --> 00:51:33,923
I said I got it.

1403
00:51:34,132 --> 00:51:38,219
You're anybody's best friend for a
price, but nobody's when it counts.

1404
00:51:39,346 --> 00:51:40,513
(CLICKS TONGUE)

1405
00:51:54,569 --> 00:51:56,445
♪ ♪
(DOOR OPENING)

1406
00:51:57,197 --> 00:51:58,823
Is everything okay?
What's the matter with you?

1407
00:52:00,242 --> 00:52:01,325
I don't know.

1408
00:52:02,536 --> 00:52:03,744
Well, now.

1409
00:52:04,496 --> 00:52:06,997
I never expected
the "Jimmy Callahan"

1410
00:52:07,082 --> 00:52:09,542
to get all soft-eyed
over a client.

1411
00:52:09,626 --> 00:52:12,044
No, no, it's not like that.

1412
00:52:12,546 --> 00:52:14,380
All I do is go
from job to job,

1413
00:52:14,464 --> 00:52:16,215
saving these losers
with no friends.

1414
00:52:16,383 --> 00:52:17,383
Losers?

1415
00:52:18,426 --> 00:52:19,718
Come on, Jimmy.

1416
00:52:21,972 --> 00:52:24,640
They're not losers.
They're just guys.

1417
00:52:26,226 --> 00:52:29,145
They don't share their
private, deep emotional feelings

1418
00:52:29,229 --> 00:52:30,563
with each other
like women do.

1419
00:52:31,273 --> 00:52:32,439
Women are nurturers.

1420
00:52:32,899 --> 00:52:35,568
We sit and listen to
each other's problems.

1421
00:52:36,236 --> 00:52:38,028
Which is why we're
always so miserable,

1422
00:52:38,113 --> 00:52:40,239
from all that
goddamn listening.

1423
00:52:40,323 --> 00:52:42,950
(LAUGHING) You should
count your blessings.

1424
00:52:44,327 --> 00:52:45,911
I still think
they're losers.

1425
00:52:46,246 --> 00:52:49,498
Well, maybe you're right. But
let me ask you this, Jimmy.

1426
00:52:50,250 --> 00:52:53,127
If you ever found a woman
crazy enough to marry you,

1427
00:52:54,921 --> 00:52:57,006
who would be your best man?

1428
00:52:57,424 --> 00:52:59,884
♪ ♪

1429
00:53:01,595 --> 00:53:06,140
See, this all started because you
wanted to make a guy feel good.

1430
00:53:07,809 --> 00:53:10,519
Do you remember how good you
felt the first time you did this?

1431
00:53:11,646 --> 00:53:13,314
Well, you've lost that.

1432
00:53:14,441 --> 00:53:17,067
You've become jaded
with all your rules.

1433
00:53:17,277 --> 00:53:20,404
You forgot what got you into
this business in the first place.

1434
00:53:21,364 --> 00:53:23,699
Your ability to be a friend,

1435
00:53:24,826 --> 00:53:26,619
to change someone's life.

1436
00:53:31,708 --> 00:53:33,584
Now, Jimmy,
we have less than a week

1437
00:53:33,668 --> 00:53:36,128
to pull off
the first ever Golden Tux.

1438
00:53:36,713 --> 00:53:39,465
So, I'm going to need you to
stop crying like a little girl,

1439
00:53:39,549 --> 00:53:40,799
strap on a pair,

1440
00:53:40,884 --> 00:53:43,719
stop wasting time
feeling sorry for yourself,

1441
00:53:43,803 --> 00:53:45,804
and let's bring
this shit home.

1442
00:53:46,097 --> 00:53:47,514
♪ ♪

1443
00:53:48,308 --> 00:53:49,475
(TIRES SQUEALING)

1444
00:53:51,770 --> 00:53:53,562
Doug Harris, right?
Uh, yeah.

1445
00:53:53,647 --> 00:53:54,855
Come here, you little shit. Wait!

1446
00:53:54,940 --> 00:53:56,565
Have you ever been to
the 'hood? Here you go.

1447
00:53:57,442 --> 00:54:00,319
Somebody help me! I'm
not Doug Harris! (GROANS)

1448
00:54:00,403 --> 00:54:01,695
Why did you kick me
in my balls?

1449
00:54:01,780 --> 00:54:03,405
(GRUNTING)
DOUG: Help me! No!

1450
00:54:03,490 --> 00:54:04,865
Throw his ass in the truck!

1451
00:54:04,950 --> 00:54:06,116
Get back there!
(THUDS)

1452
00:54:06,243 --> 00:54:07,451
(GROANING)
Go, go, go!

1453
00:54:08,578 --> 00:54:09,662
(TIRES SQUEALING)

1454
00:54:10,413 --> 00:54:12,414
DOUG: I'm not strapped in!

1455
00:54:12,582 --> 00:54:13,582
(DOUG SCREAMING)

1456
00:54:13,667 --> 00:54:15,125
What was that?
Shit!

1457
00:54:16,253 --> 00:54:17,253
(CAR HORNS HONKING)

1458
00:54:17,337 --> 00:54:19,713
Oh, God, which way
is the sidewalk?

1459
00:54:19,798 --> 00:54:21,507
Doug, don't move!

1460
00:54:23,343 --> 00:54:24,343
(TIRES SQUEALING)

1461
00:54:26,763 --> 00:54:27,888
(GROANS)

1462
00:54:29,349 --> 00:54:32,893
DOUG: Someone help me!
Please, God! Please!

1463
00:54:33,353 --> 00:54:34,937
I'm begging you!

1464
00:54:37,649 --> 00:54:38,816
Help!

1465
00:54:40,568 --> 00:54:42,236
Anybody!

1466
00:54:44,197 --> 00:54:45,197
(GASPS)
♪ ♪

1467
00:54:46,116 --> 00:54:47,449
(ALL CHEERING)

1468
00:54:53,039 --> 00:54:54,456
FITZGIBBONS:
Take his pants off!

1469
00:54:54,874 --> 00:54:56,166
♪ ♪

1470
00:54:56,418 --> 00:54:57,710
You pay for the Golden Tux,

1471
00:54:57,794 --> 00:54:59,420
you get a bachelor party,
you son of a bitch!

1472
00:54:59,879 --> 00:55:01,505
♪ ♪
(ALL CHEERING)

1473
00:55:01,589 --> 00:55:05,551
FITZGIBBONS: To the
house! Don't pop that shit!

1474
00:55:06,678 --> 00:55:08,095
♪ ♪

1475
00:55:13,893 --> 00:55:15,602
Hey. Hi.

1476
00:55:15,687 --> 00:55:16,937
Oh.
Nadia.

1477
00:55:17,397 --> 00:55:19,481
Hi. I'm Doug. Doug Harris.

1478
00:55:19,566 --> 00:55:20,733
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

1479
00:55:22,444 --> 00:55:23,777
Do you speak English?

1480
00:55:23,945 --> 00:55:25,237
Oh.

1481
00:55:25,322 --> 00:55:26,822
Have you ever been
to a Dodger game?

1482
00:55:26,906 --> 00:55:28,741
Do you like the Dodgers?

1483
00:55:28,825 --> 00:55:30,242
Oh, this is happening.
Shh!

1484
00:55:30,327 --> 00:55:31,493
Okay, so,
here's the deal.

1485
00:55:31,578 --> 00:55:34,163
I'm about to get married to
this great girl, Gretchen.

1486
00:55:34,414 --> 00:55:36,582
Oh! Gee!

1487
00:55:37,083 --> 00:55:38,083
Shh!
Um...

1488
00:55:38,168 --> 00:55:39,668
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Oh, boy!

1489
00:55:41,713 --> 00:55:44,089
On second thought,
I've got a better idea.

1490
00:55:44,299 --> 00:55:48,844
♪ Party and bullshit
And party and bullshit

1491
00:55:48,928 --> 00:55:53,974
♪ And party and bullshit
And party and bullshit

1492
00:55:54,059 --> 00:55:56,477
♪ And party and bullshit

1493
00:55:57,020 --> 00:56:00,356
Isn't this so much more fun
than sucking my dick?

1494
00:56:00,774 --> 00:56:02,441
ALL: To Dougie!

1495
00:56:02,609 --> 00:56:04,443
♪ Hugs from the honeys
Pounds from the roughnecks

1496
00:56:04,569 --> 00:56:07,029
♪ Seen my man Sei
that I knew from the projects

1497
00:56:07,113 --> 00:56:09,490
♪ Said he had beef,
asked me if I had my piece

1498
00:56:09,616 --> 00:56:11,700
♪ Sure do
I'm a bad boy

1499
00:56:12,077 --> 00:56:14,370
♪ Niggaz wanna front, who
got your back? ♪ Biggie

1500
00:56:14,454 --> 00:56:16,997
♪ Niggaz wanna flex Who
got the gat? ♪ Biggie

1501
00:56:17,082 --> 00:56:19,375
♪ It ain't hard to tell
I'm the east coast overdoser

1502
00:56:19,459 --> 00:56:20,751
♪ Brand-Nubian shit
beatin' down punks!

1503
00:56:20,835 --> 00:56:22,336
This is for Dougie!

1504
00:56:22,420 --> 00:56:26,548
♪ Party and bullshit
And party and bullshit

1505
00:56:26,633 --> 00:56:29,218
♪ And party and bullshit

1506
00:56:29,552 --> 00:56:30,677
I can't swim!

1507
00:56:31,638 --> 00:56:36,225
♪ And party and bullshit
And party and bullshit

1508
00:56:36,309 --> 00:56:38,644
♪ And party and bullshit

1509
00:56:38,728 --> 00:56:40,270
Yo, where are the women at?

1510
00:56:40,355 --> 00:56:42,356
Did you touch my dick?
Okay, I'm sorry.

1511
00:56:43,191 --> 00:56:45,317
All right, guys.
This is for Dougie!

1512
00:56:45,402 --> 00:56:46,860
This is
the running of the balls!

1513
00:56:46,945 --> 00:56:49,071
Start the machine! Ready!

1514
00:56:49,739 --> 00:56:50,739
Ahhh!

1515
00:56:51,658 --> 00:56:53,200
No! No!

1516
00:56:54,494 --> 00:56:55,619
(GROANING)

1517
00:56:55,745 --> 00:56:58,705
♪ And bullshit
And party and bullshit

1518
00:56:58,998 --> 00:57:01,667
♪ And party and bullshit

1519
00:57:02,335 --> 00:57:03,669
(YELLING)

1520
00:57:04,379 --> 00:57:06,880
♪ And party and bullshit ♪

1521
00:57:07,382 --> 00:57:09,216
All right.
What is happening here?

1522
00:57:09,300 --> 00:57:11,093
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
I don't like being...

1523
00:57:11,177 --> 00:57:12,177
Hey, hey. Shut up.

1524
00:57:12,262 --> 00:57:14,721
It's about you having
a good goddamn time, man.

1525
00:57:15,098 --> 00:57:16,765
Nadia.
No!

1526
00:57:16,850 --> 00:57:19,101
ALL: (CHANTING) Nadia! Nadia!
We got through this already.

1527
00:57:19,769 --> 00:57:21,770
(SHUSHING)
You smell so sweet.

1528
00:57:21,855 --> 00:57:23,355
ALL: Ohh!

1529
00:57:23,440 --> 00:57:25,482
JIMMY: Lick that
nutty butter!

1530
00:57:25,567 --> 00:57:27,734
Nadia, you don't
have to do this.

1531
00:57:29,529 --> 00:57:31,196
What? Wait.

1532
00:57:31,739 --> 00:57:32,865
Oh, oh!

1533
00:57:33,032 --> 00:57:34,032
(ALL CHEERING)

1534
00:57:34,409 --> 00:57:37,077
ALL: (CHANTING) Fletcher!
Fletcher! Fletcher!

1535
00:57:37,245 --> 00:57:38,871
Nadia, do not
give me a fletcher.

1536
00:57:41,749 --> 00:57:43,542
Okay, this shit's gone
far enough! (SNIFFING)

1537
00:57:46,504 --> 00:57:47,963
Oh, Nadia, no!

1538
00:57:48,756 --> 00:57:51,300
Oh, God, it feels so good,
but I don't want you to.

1539
00:57:51,384 --> 00:57:52,468
Talk me through it, Doug!

1540
00:57:52,552 --> 00:57:55,220
It feels so scruffy and wet.

1541
00:57:55,972 --> 00:57:58,724
Why are you
licking so rapidly?

1542
00:57:59,517 --> 00:58:00,726
I love my fiancée,
I love my fiancée.

1543
00:58:00,810 --> 00:58:02,186
How does that feel?

1544
00:58:03,521 --> 00:58:05,189
(ALL LAUGHING)

1545
00:58:08,902 --> 00:58:11,236
Oh, God! Okay! Okay!
(ALL LAUGH LOUDLY)

1546
00:58:11,779 --> 00:58:12,905
(ALL CHEERING)

1547
00:58:13,740 --> 00:58:15,115
(DOG BARKS)
(FLESH SQUELCHES)

1548
00:58:15,450 --> 00:58:17,159
(SCREAMING)
(ALL GASP)

1549
00:58:17,243 --> 00:58:18,327
JIMMY: Oh, shit!

1550
00:58:18,411 --> 00:58:19,411
(DOG SNARLING)

1551
00:58:19,496 --> 00:58:20,871
When you pull, it hurts!

1552
00:58:20,955 --> 00:58:22,414
(SCREAMING)

1553
00:58:22,499 --> 00:58:23,582
Stick a finger in his ass!

1554
00:58:23,666 --> 00:58:25,459
Not my ass,
the dog's ass!

1555
00:58:25,543 --> 00:58:27,169
It's not working!
DOUG: Get it off!

1556
00:58:27,253 --> 00:58:28,253
(GUNSHOT)
(ALL GASP)

1557
00:58:31,132 --> 00:58:33,175
What the fuck, Plunkett?
Oh, shit.

1558
00:58:33,259 --> 00:58:35,260
I didn't shoot him. I
shot up. That dog is dead.

1559
00:58:36,596 --> 00:58:37,721
FITZGIBBONS: I just
tried to scare him off.

1560
00:58:37,805 --> 00:58:39,056
Shit, the fucking dog
has lockjaw.

1561
00:58:39,140 --> 00:58:40,182
It must have had
a heart attack.

1562
00:58:40,266 --> 00:58:42,935
(CRYING) There's a dead dog on my dick.

1563
00:58:43,311 --> 00:58:44,686
DOUG: I've got to get
to a hospital, guys.

1564
00:58:44,771 --> 00:58:45,854
REGGIE:
His dick is bleeding!

1565
00:58:45,939 --> 00:58:47,022
The hospital's right
around the corner, okay?

1566
00:58:47,106 --> 00:58:48,106
You have to hold on.

1567
00:58:48,274 --> 00:58:49,274
Hurry up, Lou.

1568
00:58:49,359 --> 00:58:51,276
Every time it moves,
it hurts!

1569
00:58:51,361 --> 00:58:53,153
JIMMY: Where's the alcohol?
Somebody give me the alcohol!

1570
00:58:53,238 --> 00:58:54,279
Just breathe, Dougie!

1571
00:58:54,364 --> 00:58:55,489
That just burns!

1572
00:58:55,657 --> 00:58:57,491
Whoa, whoa!
Red light, red light!

1573
00:58:58,117 --> 00:58:59,701
(ALL SCREAMING)
(TIRES SQUEALING)

1574
00:58:59,786 --> 00:59:01,787
What the fuck was that?
ENDO: Was that a cop?

1575
00:59:01,871 --> 00:59:02,955
No, it was just a cab.

1576
00:59:03,456 --> 00:59:04,706
(SIREN WAILING)

1577
00:59:04,999 --> 00:59:06,416
Shit! We have open bottles in here.

1578
00:59:06,501 --> 00:59:09,378
I can't go back to jail!
I'm tired of fucking dudes!

1579
00:59:09,462 --> 00:59:11,421
You were the rapist?
Finish your bottles!

1580
00:59:11,506 --> 00:59:13,549
JIMMY: Everybody, chill
out! Put the bottles down,

1581
00:59:13,633 --> 00:59:15,509
put your drugs away.
Do you hear me?

1582
00:59:15,635 --> 00:59:17,177
LURCH: This is Marci's
father's van.

1583
00:59:17,262 --> 00:59:18,262
I'm only 15!

1584
00:59:19,430 --> 00:59:20,514
OFFICER: (ON LOUDSPEAKER)
Pull over.

1585
00:59:20,598 --> 00:59:22,349
Lou, you have to pull
the fucking car over.

1586
00:59:22,725 --> 00:59:23,850
Pull the fucking car over.

1587
00:59:23,935 --> 00:59:25,727
Oh, God,
Marci's going to kill me.

1588
00:59:25,853 --> 00:59:27,020
JIMMY: You're going to
get through this, man.

1589
00:59:27,105 --> 00:59:28,105
This isn't going to be long.

1590
00:59:28,189 --> 00:59:29,481
DOUG: Get me
out of the car.

1591
00:59:29,566 --> 00:59:31,191
REGGIE: They're going to think
I kidnapped this white girl.

1592
00:59:31,317 --> 00:59:33,110
Take it. Take the gun. I don't
want this motherfucker, man.

1593
00:59:33,194 --> 00:59:34,236
No! You take it back.

1594
00:59:34,320 --> 00:59:35,487
JIMMY: Shush! Shut up.
You talk too much.

1595
00:59:35,989 --> 00:59:37,364
I don't want it.
Take it.

1596
00:59:37,824 --> 00:59:40,450
Put it in your titties. I'm
not going to jail for this.

1597
00:59:41,035 --> 00:59:42,703
ENDO: I can still see it.

1598
00:59:43,121 --> 00:59:46,540
Shut up! This is real!
Everybody look normal. Okay?

1599
00:59:54,340 --> 00:59:55,382
(STUTTERS)

1600
00:59:55,717 --> 00:59:57,009
Have you guys been
drinking tonight?

1601
00:59:57,093 --> 00:59:58,510
JIMMY: No, sir.
(ALL DISAGREEING)

1602
01:00:00,471 --> 01:00:01,597
Not even a little bit?

1603
01:00:01,681 --> 01:00:02,723
No.

1604
01:00:02,807 --> 01:00:03,849
(GROANING)

1605
01:00:04,225 --> 01:00:05,976
(ALL GROANING)

1606
01:00:07,895 --> 01:00:09,771
Are you all right, sir?
Uh-huh.

1607
01:00:09,856 --> 01:00:10,897
Is that a dog?

1608
01:00:13,026 --> 01:00:14,943
Yeah. Why is his mouth on your genitals?

1609
01:00:15,278 --> 01:00:17,654
(EXHALES)
Oh, God.

1610
01:00:19,282 --> 01:00:20,574
♪ ♪

1611
01:00:20,867 --> 01:00:21,908
(YELLING)

1612
01:00:21,993 --> 01:00:23,619
(ALL SCREAMING)

1613
01:00:23,703 --> 01:00:25,370
JIMMY: Lou, what the fuck are you doing?

1614
01:00:25,455 --> 01:00:27,706
FITZGIBBONS:
What in the fuck, Lou?

1615
01:00:30,209 --> 01:00:31,835
Stop the car, you old dick!

1616
01:00:32,170 --> 01:00:33,170
(SIREN WAILING)

1617
01:00:33,421 --> 01:00:34,921
Lou, watch the Buick
on your right!

1618
01:00:35,715 --> 01:00:36,798
(GLASS SHATTERING)

1619
01:00:37,425 --> 01:00:40,594
Do you have to hit
every single meter, Lou?

1620
01:00:42,180 --> 01:00:45,223
Come on, what are you doing,
Lou? LOU: No guts, no glory!

1621
01:00:47,935 --> 01:00:48,935
It's a one-way street!

1622
01:00:49,020 --> 01:00:50,062
I know!
It's the way I'm going!

1623
01:00:50,313 --> 01:00:51,938
Look out! BRONSTEIN: Stop the car!

1624
01:00:54,359 --> 01:00:55,317
LURCH: I hate you, Lou!

1625
01:00:55,401 --> 01:00:56,443
(HORN BLARING)
JIMMY: Fuck, Lou, stop!

1626
01:00:56,527 --> 01:00:57,861
(ALL SCREAMING)

1627
01:01:00,031 --> 01:01:01,114
Lou, this is a closed road!

1628
01:01:01,199 --> 01:01:02,366
LURCH: You're going
the wrong way, Lou!

1629
01:01:02,450 --> 01:01:04,493
REGGIE: I don't have a
fucking seat belt on, Lou!

1630
01:01:05,703 --> 01:01:08,747
Holy shit!
There's a gap in the bridge!

1631
01:01:09,082 --> 01:01:10,415
(ALL SCREAMING)

1632
01:01:11,834 --> 01:01:13,126
LURCH: We're all
going to die!

1633
01:01:13,211 --> 01:01:14,252
JIMMY: Oh, my God!

1634
01:01:14,754 --> 01:01:16,505
No!

1635
01:01:19,467 --> 01:01:27,182
♪ ♪

1636
01:01:28,309 --> 01:01:29,559
(ALL GRUNTING)

1637
01:01:29,644 --> 01:01:31,019
Oh, my God!

1638
01:01:31,104 --> 01:01:32,270
ENDO: We made it!
(ALL CHEERING)

1639
01:01:33,064 --> 01:01:35,691
LOU: Yeah!
Suck on this, copper.

1640
01:01:41,739 --> 01:01:42,781
♪ ♪

1641
01:01:43,324 --> 01:01:44,408
Nadia.

1642
01:01:44,909 --> 01:01:47,911
Hey. You waited
all night for me?

1643
01:01:49,580 --> 01:01:50,914
You know, last night,

1644
01:01:52,500 --> 01:01:54,501
that was the greatest night
of my entire life.

1645
01:01:56,921 --> 01:02:00,465
I don't think I've ever felt a
connection to anybody like that before.

1646
01:02:01,968 --> 01:02:04,302
I know you can't
understand any of this.

1647
01:02:07,348 --> 01:02:08,682
But I...
Tonto.

1648
01:02:09,100 --> 01:02:10,058
How is it hanging?

1649
01:02:10,143 --> 01:02:12,394
(GROANS) I'm kind of numb.

1650
01:02:12,478 --> 01:02:13,895
What did they do?

1651
01:02:13,980 --> 01:02:15,564
Oh, they put some stitches
in your penis head.

1652
01:02:15,648 --> 01:02:16,982
The doctor said
you'll be okay, though.

1653
01:02:17,108 --> 01:02:18,191
Come on,
kiss her goodbye.

1654
01:02:19,861 --> 01:02:23,280
I've gotta go. It was really
great getting to know you.

1655
01:02:28,369 --> 01:02:30,036
♪ ♪

1656
01:02:36,294 --> 01:02:38,378
It was great
getting to know you, too.

1657
01:02:40,506 --> 01:02:42,424
Wait. You speak English?

1658
01:02:42,508 --> 01:02:44,176
Thanks for having me
out again, Jimmy.

1659
01:02:44,927 --> 01:02:46,928
(SIGHS) Doug here
is a real keeper.

1660
01:02:48,473 --> 01:02:51,266
Call me sometime. Maybe
we can catch a Dodger game.

1661
01:02:55,313 --> 01:02:57,230
"Dodger game" is
code-word for fucking.

1662
01:02:58,900 --> 01:03:00,233
(ALL SNORING)

1663
01:03:00,693 --> 01:03:01,735
Fellows.

1664
01:03:02,361 --> 01:03:03,445
DOUG: Where's Lou?

1665
01:03:03,529 --> 01:03:05,113
Lou had to go away
for a while.

1666
01:03:05,198 --> 01:03:07,365
He said it was
worth it, though.

1667
01:03:08,409 --> 01:03:09,993
(BLOWING)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)

1668
01:03:10,703 --> 01:03:11,787
Burn this.

1669
01:03:13,122 --> 01:03:14,539
♪ ♪

1670
01:03:15,374 --> 01:03:16,541
(WHOOPS)

1671
01:03:16,918 --> 01:03:21,338
I haven't felt this good,
this happy since...

1672
01:03:21,422 --> 01:03:22,506
Since ever.

1673
01:03:22,757 --> 01:03:24,382
Did you take one of those
pills Plunkett was handing out?

1674
01:03:24,425 --> 01:03:26,343
The ones that looked like
Altoids? Yes! Did you take one?

1675
01:03:26,427 --> 01:03:27,844
Yeah, I took one.
What did I tell you?

1676
01:03:27,929 --> 01:03:29,429
You said don't take anything
that looks like drugs.

1677
01:03:29,555 --> 01:03:31,348
Then why did you take it?
Because it looked like an Altoid.

1678
01:03:31,432 --> 01:03:32,474
It wasn't an Altoid, Doug.

1679
01:03:32,558 --> 01:03:33,683
Nah, I realized that
soon after.

1680
01:03:33,768 --> 01:03:36,436
I said, "Stay your ass away from
Plunkett. " Didn't I tell you that?

1681
01:03:37,522 --> 01:03:39,231
Now, I know
none of this is real,

1682
01:03:39,315 --> 01:03:41,566
but it's good to be
one of the guys.

1683
01:03:41,776 --> 01:03:43,193
It really is.

1684
01:03:45,905 --> 01:03:47,864
♪ ♪

1685
01:03:50,243 --> 01:03:52,202
Come on. Let's go get
you cleaned up, man.

1686
01:03:56,123 --> 01:03:58,834
So, uh, let's just go and
knock this thing out, man.

1687
01:03:58,918 --> 01:04:01,419
We'll make you look great,
rock your wedding,

1688
01:04:01,921 --> 01:04:05,674
send you off to Tahiti so you
can blow Gretchen's back out.

1689
01:04:05,758 --> 01:04:07,425
Knock her back loose.

1690
01:04:07,510 --> 01:04:10,470
And then, we ship Father Bic
off to his untimely death.

1691
01:04:16,269 --> 01:04:19,312
I was thinking about what you asked
me the other day about Gretchen.

1692
01:04:19,397 --> 01:04:20,397
Mmm-hmm.

1693
01:04:20,481 --> 01:04:23,358
And on our third date,
she said something

1694
01:04:23,442 --> 01:04:24,651
about wanting to
start a family,

1695
01:04:24,735 --> 01:04:26,027
how she was
ready to have kids.

1696
01:04:26,487 --> 01:04:28,947
And I don't know, ever
since I lost my family,

1697
01:04:30,241 --> 01:04:31,783
I've always wanted
to make one of my own.

1698
01:04:34,954 --> 01:04:36,162
Hey, do me a favor.

1699
01:04:36,247 --> 01:04:38,373
Be very gentle with my car.
I've seen your car...

1700
01:04:38,457 --> 01:04:40,041
Ain't nobody gonna
mess up this shit.

1701
01:04:40,126 --> 01:04:41,126
Okay.

1702
01:04:41,210 --> 01:04:42,586
Why don't you go put
some ice on your dick?

1703
01:04:42,670 --> 01:04:44,713
Yeah. No kidding,
right? God.

1704
01:04:44,797 --> 01:04:45,922
(CELL PHONE RINGS)

1705
01:04:46,007 --> 01:04:47,382
Hello.
I got a problem.

1706
01:04:47,466 --> 01:04:48,550
I can't be there
on Saturday.

1707
01:04:48,634 --> 01:04:49,801
What are you
talking about, Garv?

1708
01:04:49,886 --> 01:04:51,511
Marci's dad found a butt plug
in the glove compartment.

1709
01:04:51,596 --> 01:04:52,637
She knows I'm working
with you again.

1710
01:04:52,722 --> 01:04:54,973
I had to promise to fix the kitchen
cabinets to get her to calm down.

1711
01:04:55,057 --> 01:04:56,266
No. You're going to be
there. Do you hear me?

1712
01:04:56,350 --> 01:04:58,226
I'll call Marci myself. Is
that what you want me to do?

1713
01:04:58,311 --> 01:04:59,394
I'll tell her about Kokomo.

1714
01:04:59,478 --> 01:05:01,229
MARCl: Lurch,
where are you?

1715
01:05:01,314 --> 01:05:02,606
Look, Jimmy, come on.
No, don't "Look, Jimmy" me.

1716
01:05:02,690 --> 01:05:03,732
I'm not playing the
"Look, Jimmy" game.

1717
01:05:03,816 --> 01:05:05,191
No, we all made a pact.

1718
01:05:05,276 --> 01:05:07,027
You said the kitchen cabinets
would be done by today.

1719
01:05:07,361 --> 01:05:09,279
Just tell Marci that you'll do
the kitchen cabinets on Sunday.

1720
01:05:09,363 --> 01:05:10,989
Jimmy, go die in a fire!
I hate you.

1721
01:05:11,324 --> 01:05:13,617
I hope your dick
gets chopped off.

1722
01:05:13,701 --> 01:05:15,243
Roger Delta Niner.

1723
01:05:15,328 --> 01:05:17,913
And may God bless
whoever else is on this.

1724
01:05:17,997 --> 01:05:19,331
(MARCl YELLING INDISTINCTLY)

1725
01:05:19,707 --> 01:05:22,125
Hey.
Who is Jimmy?

1726
01:05:23,711 --> 01:05:26,338
Jimmy is actually a tag.

1727
01:05:26,505 --> 01:05:27,797
It's a tag name.
Military code.

1728
01:05:27,882 --> 01:05:29,174
Military code?

1729
01:05:29,550 --> 01:05:31,509
So, I suppose
I shouldn't pry into

1730
01:05:31,594 --> 01:05:34,095
the meaning of "kitchen
cabinets" then, either.

1731
01:05:34,180 --> 01:05:37,724
For your safety, no. I
would kind of leave it alone.

1732
01:05:38,059 --> 01:05:40,060
(CHUCKLES) All right, I'll see
you at the rehearsal dinner.

1733
01:05:40,144 --> 01:05:41,519
See you then.

1734
01:05:42,146 --> 01:05:43,897
Father.
Okay.

1735
01:05:45,316 --> 01:05:46,816
Oh, God.

1736
01:05:47,526 --> 01:05:49,069
♪ ♪

1737
01:05:49,654 --> 01:05:52,030
HAL LANE: Six violins,
two violas, two cellos,

1738
01:05:52,281 --> 01:05:53,698
one contrabass,
one electric bass,

1739
01:05:53,783 --> 01:05:56,284
two guitars, one drum set,
and I'll be singing.

1740
01:05:56,369 --> 01:05:58,745
And your first dance
will be to what song?

1741
01:05:58,913 --> 01:06:01,665
To our song,
You Are So Beautiful.

1742
01:06:04,251 --> 01:06:06,461
That's by Joe Cocker.
Thanks.

1743
01:06:08,255 --> 01:06:10,256
What?
That's not our song.

1744
01:06:10,591 --> 01:06:12,217
That's not our song.

1745
01:06:12,301 --> 01:06:14,135
(SCOFFS)
Honey, of course it is.

1746
01:06:14,220 --> 01:06:15,595
No, it's not.

1747
01:06:15,680 --> 01:06:17,430
Yeah. Babe,
don't you remember?

1748
01:06:17,556 --> 01:06:20,976
Your broken CD player repeated
it over and over and over

1749
01:06:21,060 --> 01:06:22,560
the first time
we made love.

1750
01:06:23,229 --> 01:06:24,813
Oh. (WHISPERING) It was so amazing.

1751
01:06:25,940 --> 01:06:27,816
That wasn't me.

1752
01:06:27,900 --> 01:06:30,527
That was your ex, Steve.

1753
01:06:30,778 --> 01:06:32,028
And I know that
because you've told me

1754
01:06:32,113 --> 01:06:34,072
this story about five times.

1755
01:06:34,782 --> 01:06:36,366
So...
Oh.

1756
01:06:36,951 --> 01:06:38,159
(CHUCKLES)

1757
01:06:38,911 --> 01:06:41,538
Well, you know, honey, it's
still such a beautiful song.

1758
01:06:41,622 --> 01:06:44,124
I mean, when you
really listen to the words.

1759
01:06:44,208 --> 01:06:46,960
Honey, it's my favorite.
Please.

1760
01:06:50,381 --> 01:06:51,381
Sure.

1761
01:06:52,258 --> 01:06:53,508
(SOFTLY) Yay.

1762
01:06:53,592 --> 01:06:55,093
I'm going to need a deposit.

1763
01:06:55,594 --> 01:06:57,846
DORIS: Gentlemen,
in these wallets,

1764
01:06:57,930 --> 01:07:00,640
you have a license,
credit cards,

1765
01:07:00,725 --> 01:07:04,144
and $300 cash.

1766
01:07:04,437 --> 01:07:05,979
These bags here
contain your suits

1767
01:07:06,063 --> 01:07:08,273
for the rehearsal dinner
as well as the wedding.

1768
01:07:08,357 --> 01:07:12,485
You guys get some rest. We leave
for the high school at 0800.

1769
01:07:13,154 --> 01:07:15,447
What are we doing
at the high school?

1770
01:07:15,531 --> 01:07:16,740
(LAUGHING)

1771
01:07:18,951 --> 01:07:20,201
DOUG: Hey, Dad.

1772
01:07:20,286 --> 01:07:21,578
ED: Don't ever call me Dad.

1773
01:07:21,829 --> 01:07:24,414
So, we were thinking maybe the
field's a little too muddy today.

1774
01:07:24,498 --> 01:07:25,498
You sound like my daughters.

1775
01:07:25,583 --> 01:07:27,083
It doesn't get any
better than this, boys.

1776
01:07:27,168 --> 01:07:28,334
Come on, you pussies.

1777
01:07:28,711 --> 01:07:30,336
Okay. Yeah, all right.
All right. Sounds good.

1778
01:07:31,047 --> 01:07:32,338
OTIS: We're playing
these old guys?

1779
01:07:32,423 --> 01:07:34,799
Listen. Let's just keep
it fun, fellows, all right?

1780
01:07:34,884 --> 01:07:36,551
Go out here,
amuse these old geezers.

1781
01:07:36,635 --> 01:07:37,927
There's no need
to rub it in their faces.

1782
01:07:38,012 --> 01:07:39,387
We wouldn't want
to see any coronaries.

1783
01:07:39,513 --> 01:07:41,139
You boys look
a little soft.

1784
01:07:41,223 --> 01:07:42,223
OTIS: That dude
looks familiar.

1785
01:07:43,225 --> 01:07:45,101
Are you sure you can
handle going both ways?

1786
01:07:45,186 --> 01:07:47,479
I heard Doug enjoys that.
What?

1787
01:07:48,272 --> 01:07:49,272
(ALL GRUNTING)

1788
01:07:49,482 --> 01:07:51,191
OLDER PLAYER 1:
Sit, pal! Pussies!

1789
01:07:53,486 --> 01:07:54,986
OLDER PLAYER 2: He's open!

1790
01:07:55,154 --> 01:07:56,821
JIMMY: Chop block!
That's a chop block!

1791
01:07:56,989 --> 01:07:59,199
Yeah! Yeah!
ED: Touchdown. Seven-zip.

1792
01:07:59,366 --> 01:08:01,493
I just got punched. I thought
this was touch football.

1793
01:08:01,660 --> 01:08:04,037
You can't play football
without blocking, bitch.

1794
01:08:04,163 --> 01:08:05,580
That old motherfucker
is fast as shit.

1795
01:08:05,664 --> 01:08:06,623
They just caught us
off guard.

1796
01:08:06,707 --> 01:08:07,916
DOUG: Can we discuss
the rules again?

1797
01:08:08,000 --> 01:08:09,501
Come on, Doug, get up.
Good D!

1798
01:08:10,211 --> 01:08:11,669
OLDER PLAYER 3: It's Webster!
(OLDER PLAYERS LAUGHING)

1799
01:08:12,004 --> 01:08:14,047
OTIS: Those old guys
are fast and crazy, man.

1800
01:08:14,131 --> 01:08:16,007
This is Sean John, bitch!

1801
01:08:16,175 --> 01:08:17,842
ED: Back on your side, loser.

1802
01:08:19,011 --> 01:08:20,095
You have a really
nice arm, sir.

1803
01:08:20,179 --> 01:08:21,721
Blow me, kid.
Oh...

1804
01:08:22,181 --> 01:08:24,516
(ALL GRUNTING)
Hut! Let's go, Doug!

1805
01:08:24,642 --> 01:08:25,809
(ED GRUNTING)

1806
01:08:27,728 --> 01:08:29,187
I don't have the ball!
(SCREAMING)

1807
01:08:30,022 --> 01:08:31,022
OLDER PLAYER 4: Take
that, gimp! (GROANING)

1808
01:08:31,107 --> 01:08:32,357
You're so mean!

1809
01:08:32,525 --> 01:08:33,483
What the fuck?
I'm in a wheelchair!

1810
01:08:33,567 --> 01:08:35,110
DOUG: He's in a wheelchair!

1811
01:08:35,194 --> 01:08:37,112
Hey, fat ass, we're
going to do your sister!

1812
01:08:37,196 --> 01:08:38,404
I don't have a sister.

1813
01:08:38,489 --> 01:08:39,697
In the ass!

1814
01:08:39,824 --> 01:08:40,949
(ALL LAUGHING)

1815
01:08:41,200 --> 01:08:43,076
OLDER PLAYER 5:
Blue dog left, Omaha!

1816
01:08:47,123 --> 01:08:48,540
Yeah!
Yeah, brother!

1817
01:08:48,624 --> 01:08:49,624
Shit.
(OLDER PLAYERS WHOOPING)

1818
01:08:49,708 --> 01:08:51,209
(LAUGHING)
Why?

1819
01:08:53,796 --> 01:08:54,879
ED: You're such a fucking
embarrassment.

1820
01:08:54,964 --> 01:08:56,589
OTIS: Your father-in-law
is a dick. (GROANS)

1821
01:08:56,715 --> 01:08:58,758
FITZGIBBONS: Oh, God, 72 just bit
me! JIMMY: All right, that's it.

1822
01:08:58,884 --> 01:08:59,884
(ALL CHEERING)

1823
01:09:01,554 --> 01:09:02,887
JIMMY: Look at us.

1824
01:09:04,265 --> 01:09:07,225
ED: Where'd you go to
defense school, Munchkinland?

1825
01:09:08,394 --> 01:09:09,978
Good one!
(ALL LAUGHING)

1826
01:09:10,479 --> 01:09:13,064
Fuck this, fellows.
Shit just got real.

1827
01:09:14,567 --> 01:09:16,276
Get up, guys.
We're about to give these

1828
01:09:16,360 --> 01:09:18,778
old bitches a nice
little serving of youth.

1829
01:09:18,863 --> 01:09:20,029
OTIS: All right, ready!

1830
01:09:20,114 --> 01:09:21,239
Set. Hike! Let's go!

1831
01:09:21,365 --> 01:09:22,740
♪ ♪

1832
01:09:23,742 --> 01:09:25,743
JIMMY: Go, go,
Dickerson! Yeah!

1833
01:09:26,036 --> 01:09:27,036
(GROANING)
(CHEERING)

1834
01:09:27,913 --> 01:09:29,122
Old bitch!
(SCREAMING)

1835
01:09:29,915 --> 01:09:31,749
Hut!
(YELLING)

1836
01:09:32,835 --> 01:09:33,835
(GROANS)
(LAUGHING)

1837
01:09:34,587 --> 01:09:35,879
How does it feel?

1838
01:09:35,963 --> 01:09:36,963
(WHOOPING)

1839
01:09:37,089 --> 01:09:38,590
Fuck!
JIMMY: Hike! Let's go!

1840
01:09:38,716 --> 01:09:40,341
(GRUNTING)
Oh, God!

1841
01:09:40,759 --> 01:09:41,843
♪ ♪

1842
01:09:41,927 --> 01:09:42,927
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)

1843
01:09:45,306 --> 01:09:46,639
OLDER PLAYER 1: Hut one.

1844
01:09:46,724 --> 01:09:47,974
DOUG: Fumble!

1845
01:09:48,142 --> 01:09:50,018
I've got the ball!
I've got the ball!

1846
01:09:50,102 --> 01:09:51,769
JIMMY: This way, Doug!

1847
01:09:51,937 --> 01:09:53,688
This way!
I've got the ball!

1848
01:09:53,772 --> 01:09:54,772
JIMMY: Go, go, go!

1849
01:09:55,024 --> 01:09:56,691
Keep going!

1850
01:09:56,942 --> 01:09:58,735
♪ ♪

1851
01:09:58,819 --> 01:09:59,819
(LAUGHING)

1852
01:10:00,905 --> 01:10:02,030
(OLDER PLAYER SCREAMING)

1853
01:10:05,784 --> 01:10:07,285
LURCH: Fumble!
KIP: Fumble!

1854
01:10:07,703 --> 01:10:08,995
(ALL YELLING)

1855
01:10:09,830 --> 01:10:11,289
OLDER PLAYER 2: Dog pile!

1856
01:10:11,790 --> 01:10:14,292
Our ball! Our ball!
Our ball!

1857
01:10:14,460 --> 01:10:16,669
Okay, listen, y'all.

1858
01:10:17,171 --> 01:10:18,254
(KNUCKLES CRACKING)

1859
01:10:18,547 --> 01:10:20,089
I'll be the first to say
that we underestimated

1860
01:10:20,132 --> 01:10:21,549
these old sons of
bitches. (ALL AGREEING)

1861
01:10:21,634 --> 01:10:23,718
Listen! Right now,
we are back in the game.

1862
01:10:23,802 --> 01:10:25,678
The next touchdown wins, guys.

1863
01:10:25,971 --> 01:10:27,722
Now, Doug, I gotta be
honest with you, man.

1864
01:10:27,806 --> 01:10:29,349
You played a pretty
shitty game.

1865
01:10:29,475 --> 01:10:30,975
And the last thing
I want to do is put

1866
01:10:31,060 --> 01:10:32,977
the ball in your hands,
but I do know this.

1867
01:10:33,145 --> 01:10:34,562
I know that you're
faster than Big Ed.

1868
01:10:34,647 --> 01:10:36,898
I know that I can
throw you the ball.

1869
01:10:36,982 --> 01:10:39,609
But what I need to know is if you're
going to catch the goddamn ball.

1870
01:10:40,069 --> 01:10:41,694
Hey, look at me.

1871
01:10:41,779 --> 01:10:43,488
(WHISPERS) Please don't
throw me the ball.

1872
01:10:43,572 --> 01:10:45,823
Doug, get off of me. OTIS: Man,
your father-in-law hates you.

1873
01:10:45,908 --> 01:10:48,326
Listen, I will throw it to you
and you're going to catch it. Okay?

1874
01:10:48,410 --> 01:10:49,410
Get some fucking
balls right now!

1875
01:10:49,495 --> 01:10:50,453
FITZGIBBONS:
You need this, Doug.

1876
01:10:50,537 --> 01:10:52,330
Be a man. OTIS: This
isn't a game anymore.

1877
01:10:52,456 --> 01:10:54,791
Your father-in-law has no respect
for you. OTIS: Show him you're a man.

1878
01:10:54,875 --> 01:10:55,917
Be a goddamn man!

1879
01:10:56,001 --> 01:10:57,669
One, two, three.
ALL: Break!

1880
01:10:57,753 --> 01:10:59,671
♪ ♪

1881
01:11:07,221 --> 01:11:08,388
Hike!

1882
01:11:08,472 --> 01:11:52,473
♪ ♪

1883
01:11:53,058 --> 01:11:54,726
Yeah!

1884
01:11:54,893 --> 01:11:56,853
(GROOMSMEN CHEERING)

1885
01:11:57,396 --> 01:11:58,855
♪ ♪

1886
01:12:00,441 --> 01:12:01,649
(LAUGHING)

1887
01:12:02,026 --> 01:12:03,318
(CHEERING CONTINUES)

1888
01:12:04,903 --> 01:12:06,321
DOUG: Oh, my God.

1889
01:12:09,491 --> 01:12:10,491
(GROANING)

1890
01:12:12,578 --> 01:12:13,745
(ALL LAUGHING)

1891
01:12:14,079 --> 01:12:16,122
How did you like
them apples?

1892
01:12:16,206 --> 01:12:18,624
You can't spell "Ed"
without "Bitch"!

1893
01:12:18,792 --> 01:12:20,960
LURCH: Whoa. Easy there.
That's going to be your dad.

1894
01:12:21,503 --> 01:12:22,920
(ALL CHEERING)

1895
01:12:23,464 --> 01:12:24,505
♪ ♪

1896
01:12:24,590 --> 01:12:26,466
JIMMY: I'm so happy
for you, man.

1897
01:12:27,051 --> 01:12:28,259
(LAUGHING)

1898
01:12:28,761 --> 01:12:30,094
You're not a bitch!

1899
01:12:32,014 --> 01:12:33,514
♪ ♪

1900
01:12:35,309 --> 01:12:36,559
GRETCHEN: I told you
guys to be careful.

1901
01:12:36,643 --> 01:12:38,102
I knew someone would
get hurt. Look at this.

1902
01:12:38,187 --> 01:12:39,687
Well, to be fair,
we were just having fun

1903
01:12:39,772 --> 01:12:40,855
until your dad
and his friends

1904
01:12:40,939 --> 01:12:42,690
decided to make it
an MMA blood sport.

1905
01:12:42,775 --> 01:12:44,984
Don't pin this shit on me.
REGGIE: Hey, hey, now.

1906
01:12:45,194 --> 01:12:46,444
Hey!

1907
01:12:46,612 --> 01:12:48,571
Oh, my God. Who the hell are those guys?

1908
01:12:48,655 --> 01:12:50,615
DOUG: What are you talking
about? Those are my friends.

1909
01:12:50,699 --> 01:12:53,076
That's Principal
Mitchell Rambis from Utah.

1910
01:12:53,494 --> 01:12:55,620
In the wheelchair,
that's Plunkett.

1911
01:12:55,829 --> 01:12:58,790
And that's the brilliant
philosopher, Ira Drysdale.

1912
01:12:59,124 --> 01:13:00,416
GRETCHEN: No. No, no.

1913
01:13:00,501 --> 01:13:02,251
That's the strangest
looking group

1914
01:13:02,336 --> 01:13:04,003
of guys I've ever
seen in my life.

1915
01:13:04,088 --> 01:13:06,631
What do you mean? Those
are my boys. What's up, man?

1916
01:13:06,715 --> 01:13:08,007
How are you doing, Doug?

1917
01:13:08,092 --> 01:13:11,219
My, this has been a long
time coming, hasn't it?

1918
01:13:11,303 --> 01:13:12,470
Palmers,
it's an honor.

1919
01:13:12,554 --> 01:13:14,389
Mrs. Palmer, I see
where Gretchen gets her

1920
01:13:14,473 --> 01:13:15,973
(STUTTERS) good looks.

1921
01:13:16,683 --> 01:13:17,725
Thank you.

1922
01:13:17,810 --> 01:13:19,394
FITZGIBBONS: Gretchen.
Yes.

1923
01:13:20,396 --> 01:13:21,729
Oh.
(CHUCKLES)

1924
01:13:22,481 --> 01:13:24,565
It's a pleasure finally
meeting the love of Doug's life.

1925
01:13:24,650 --> 01:13:26,984
Thank you. Hey, Grandma... What the...

1926
01:13:27,069 --> 01:13:28,903
DOUG: Oh, wait, Bic,
I meant to tell you,

1927
01:13:28,987 --> 01:13:30,029
Grandma made
a full recovery.

1928
01:13:30,114 --> 01:13:31,823
She's doing really well.
Doesn't she look good, guys?

1929
01:13:32,157 --> 01:13:33,157
ALL: Yeah.

1930
01:13:33,826 --> 01:13:36,577
That's something else to look
at there. It's very pretty.

1931
01:13:36,662 --> 01:13:38,246
♪ ♪

1932
01:13:38,414 --> 01:13:39,539
(CAMERA CLICKING)

1933
01:13:41,667 --> 01:13:43,000
What are you doing?
Nothing.

1934
01:13:43,252 --> 01:13:45,503
What are you feeding him? Oh,
what are you talking about?

1935
01:13:46,547 --> 01:13:47,588
(ALL LAUGHING)

1936
01:13:47,673 --> 01:13:50,341
That. He wasn't like that
until you showed up.

1937
01:13:52,010 --> 01:13:53,010
That's the Doug
that I know.

1938
01:13:53,095 --> 01:13:54,554
I've never seen
that Doug before.

1939
01:13:54,638 --> 01:13:58,224
Hi, everyone.
Hi. I'm Holly Munk.

1940
01:13:58,434 --> 01:13:59,934
I'm the head bridesmaid.

1941
01:14:00,018 --> 01:14:01,477
Twenty bucks says
they wrote a song.

1942
01:14:01,603 --> 01:14:03,771
$40 says it's The Carpenters. You're on.

1943
01:14:03,856 --> 01:14:04,897
You're on.

1944
01:14:04,982 --> 01:14:05,940
You're onner.

1945
01:14:06,024 --> 01:14:07,775
You're on first.
You're more on.

1946
01:14:07,860 --> 01:14:10,278
You're on from God.

1947
01:14:10,362 --> 01:14:11,654
You're never going to
believe this, Gretch,

1948
01:14:11,780 --> 01:14:14,031
but we wrote you a little
ditty. (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

1949
01:14:14,533 --> 01:14:17,618
Yes. And if everyone wants
to look under your seats,

1950
01:14:17,703 --> 01:14:18,911
you're going to
find the lyrics

1951
01:14:18,996 --> 01:14:20,913
so that everybody can
sing along. (WOMAN SQUEALS)

1952
01:14:21,123 --> 01:14:24,041
And we're singing
to the tune of

1953
01:14:24,918 --> 01:14:25,918
Lean on Me.

1954
01:14:26,128 --> 01:14:27,295
Pay up, Father.

1955
01:14:27,379 --> 01:14:28,796
I don't have any cash.
I only have credit.

1956
01:14:28,881 --> 01:14:31,841
Do you take credit cards?
Oh, no, I only take cash.

1957
01:14:31,925 --> 01:14:33,593
Oh, excuse me, Ms. Maid of Honor. What?

1958
01:14:33,677 --> 01:14:34,886
Are you going to chat
all night or are you

1959
01:14:34,970 --> 01:14:36,512
going to come up
and sing with us?

1960
01:14:36,555 --> 01:14:38,973
Do you think you're too good?
No, this is your guys' thing.

1961
01:14:39,141 --> 01:14:40,141
HOLLY: What, do you
think you're too pretty?

1962
01:14:40,225 --> 01:14:41,350
God always wins.

1963
01:14:41,435 --> 01:14:43,686
That's why you're going
up there. God is a winner.

1964
01:14:43,937 --> 01:14:45,897
Let's go, bitch. Come on. I'm coming.

1965
01:14:47,232 --> 01:14:50,902
ALL: ♪ It's that time in your life

1966
01:14:51,069 --> 01:14:54,197
♪ Bum-bum
♪ When you wear something blue

1967
01:14:54,281 --> 01:14:55,281
♪ Bum-bum

1968
01:14:55,616 --> 01:15:00,161
♪ And something borrowed

1969
01:15:00,412 --> 01:15:02,413
♪ Gretchen was dumped

1970
01:15:03,081 --> 01:15:07,168
♪ By handsome Steve

1971
01:15:08,253 --> 01:15:12,340
♪ We'll just hit up the Supper
Club And make some mistakes

1972
01:15:12,424 --> 01:15:14,842
How long did we rent
the place for? Sing it!

1973
01:15:15,010 --> 01:15:17,053
♪ Do you remember?

1974
01:15:17,137 --> 01:15:18,638
Oh, Christ.

1975
01:15:19,598 --> 01:15:21,766
♪ Baton twirling ♪

1976
01:15:21,934 --> 01:15:23,809
That's the end of the
song. Oh, thank God.

1977
01:15:24,102 --> 01:15:25,520
(APPLAUSE)
(WOMAN WHOOPING)

1978
01:15:27,272 --> 01:15:29,065
Since none of us
are songwriters,

1979
01:15:29,149 --> 01:15:30,858
we decided to put together
a little slide show

1980
01:15:30,943 --> 01:15:32,485
to toast our buddy.

1981
01:15:32,694 --> 01:15:35,279
He was stealing ladies' hearts
since long before we knew him.

1982
01:15:35,572 --> 01:15:37,031
(GUESTS LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING)

1983
01:15:37,533 --> 01:15:39,367
His friendship
came with an instant

1984
01:15:39,451 --> 01:15:41,327
half-point boost
to all our GPA's.

1985
01:15:41,411 --> 01:15:43,204
You never could crack
2.5, Dickerson!

1986
01:15:43,288 --> 01:15:44,622
You got me there,
buddy.

1987
01:15:44,706 --> 01:15:45,957
He also taught us things

1988
01:15:46,041 --> 01:15:47,750
that you can't learn
in a classroom.

1989
01:15:47,834 --> 01:15:49,794
Whether it was bowling
at regionals. GUESTS: Aw.

1990
01:15:50,837 --> 01:15:52,797
Running the Santa
Monica Marathon.

1991
01:15:52,881 --> 01:15:54,298
It was a close
call with the Kenyan.

1992
01:15:54,383 --> 01:15:55,550
You ran?
Yeah.

1993
01:15:55,634 --> 01:15:58,636
Navigating the rapids
of Colorado.

1994
01:15:59,179 --> 01:16:01,722
OTIS: Scuba diving
the Great Barrier Reef.

1995
01:16:01,807 --> 01:16:02,848
What?

1996
01:16:02,975 --> 01:16:04,475
Climbing the glaciers

1997
01:16:04,560 --> 01:16:05,768
of Patagonia.
Hmm.

1998
01:16:08,313 --> 01:16:11,148
Jumping out of a plane at
10,000 feet. (GUESTS EXCLAIMING)

1999
01:16:14,820 --> 01:16:16,654
JIMMY: Help him out, guys.
You got it?

2000
01:16:18,574 --> 01:16:19,574
Yeah.

2001
01:16:19,992 --> 01:16:22,493
After I was hit
by a drunk driver

2002
01:16:22,578 --> 01:16:24,370
who was found innocent,

2003
01:16:24,496 --> 01:16:25,705
(GUESTS GASPING)

2004
01:16:26,331 --> 01:16:28,416
it was Doug
who helped me pay

2005
01:16:28,500 --> 01:16:29,792
for my law school tuition.

2006
01:16:29,876 --> 01:16:30,876
GUESTS: Aw.

2007
01:16:31,003 --> 01:16:32,670
That's so sweet.

2008
01:16:32,754 --> 01:16:33,838
(CRYING) It was you.

2009
01:16:34,423 --> 01:16:36,048
(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)

2010
01:16:36,341 --> 01:16:38,009
(SOBBING)

2011
01:16:38,927 --> 01:16:39,969
JIMMY: That's okay.

2012
01:16:40,053 --> 01:16:41,846
The only thing that
gets hard is my nipples.

2013
01:16:42,014 --> 01:16:43,222
Oh, dear.

2014
01:16:43,765 --> 01:16:45,349
(WHISPERS)
Let's get him out of here.

2015
01:16:45,434 --> 01:16:46,601
Way to keep it
together, buddy.

2016
01:16:46,727 --> 01:16:47,810
I wanted to quit
grad school

2017
01:16:47,894 --> 01:16:49,604
until Doug told me
the story of Plunkett.

2018
01:16:49,855 --> 01:16:51,314
Which inspired me to stay.

2019
01:16:51,398 --> 01:16:52,398
GUESTS: Aw.
JIMMY: He inspired us all.

2020
01:16:52,482 --> 01:16:54,734
When he wasn't
hitting those books,

2021
01:16:54,860 --> 01:16:57,069
old Doug-town was teaching
us all how to have fun.

2022
01:16:57,154 --> 01:16:58,779
JIMMY: Yeah, he was.
BRONSTEIN: Doug-man.

2023
01:16:58,864 --> 01:16:59,864
(LAUGHING)

2024
01:17:00,240 --> 01:17:01,782
JIMMY: I think we saved
the best for last.

2025
01:17:01,867 --> 01:17:03,618
This last shot is
actually my favorite.

2026
01:17:04,536 --> 01:17:07,622
This was a historic guy
trip with my closest friend.

2027
01:17:07,789 --> 01:17:09,457
As you can see
in this picture

2028
01:17:09,541 --> 01:17:10,708
and in all
the other pictures,

2029
01:17:11,084 --> 01:17:13,127
Doug is smiling,

2030
01:17:14,046 --> 01:17:15,921
but I think we can
all agree that in this shot,

2031
01:17:16,006 --> 01:17:17,757
that smile got
a whole lot brighter.

2032
01:17:17,841 --> 01:17:19,091
(GUESTS EXCLAIMING)

2033
01:17:19,217 --> 01:17:20,259
I love you, bud.

2034
01:17:20,427 --> 01:17:21,802
(GUESTS CHEERING)

2035
01:17:22,220 --> 01:17:23,721
♪ ♪

2036
01:17:27,893 --> 01:17:30,519
I was a bit surprised
when I met your groomsmen.

2037
01:17:30,604 --> 01:17:33,564
I mean, actually, terrified.
Like, "Wah! What is that?"

2038
01:17:33,899 --> 01:17:35,816
But I've got to say,
they're really good guys.

2039
01:17:36,401 --> 01:17:37,818
(CLATTERS)
Oops.

2040
01:17:39,363 --> 01:17:40,363
(CLEARS THROAT)

2041
01:17:41,490 --> 01:17:43,240
DOUG: Honey, are you there?

2042
01:17:46,912 --> 01:17:48,954
GRETCHEN: I'm definitely going to
have Alison be my maid of honor.

2043
01:17:49,122 --> 01:17:50,665
I mean, no one
can fight over that.

2044
01:17:50,749 --> 01:17:53,250
But, babe, what about you?
Who's going to be your best man?

2045
01:17:53,418 --> 01:17:54,502
Uh...

2046
01:17:56,046 --> 01:17:58,964
Mitchum. Bic Mitchum.

2047
01:17:59,424 --> 01:18:00,508
Who?
(SPITS)

2048
01:18:00,592 --> 01:18:02,677
You know Bic. Bic Mitchum.

2049
01:18:02,928 --> 01:18:04,053
He's a buddy of mine
from Stanford.

2050
01:18:04,137 --> 01:18:06,055
No, I've never heard
of Bic Mitchum.

2051
01:18:06,431 --> 01:18:08,933
Didn't you meet Bic
at that... I met Bic?

2052
01:18:09,017 --> 01:18:11,519
You know, maybe on second thought,
you didn't meet Bic because...

2053
01:18:11,603 --> 01:18:13,813
Because why?
He's overseas,

2054
01:18:13,897 --> 01:18:16,440
uh, in the military.

2055
01:18:17,067 --> 01:18:20,069
Oh, you know what?
Now that you mention it...

2056
01:18:20,153 --> 01:18:22,279
I think you have said
something about him.

2057
01:18:22,364 --> 01:18:23,823
Isn't he a priest
or something?

2058
01:18:24,616 --> 01:18:27,868
Yeah. That's right. Yeah, I knew it.

2059
01:18:27,953 --> 01:18:29,954
He's a priest overseas
in the military.

2060
01:18:31,289 --> 01:18:33,249
GRETCHEN: But our wedding's in 10 days.

2061
01:18:33,333 --> 01:18:34,500
DOUG: But Bic's still in...

2062
01:18:34,710 --> 01:18:37,378
Uh, El Salvador.

2063
01:18:37,462 --> 01:18:38,629
Bic is flying in
tomorrow morning.

2064
01:18:38,714 --> 01:18:40,381
In April I was in the
Middle East. Muffin juice.

2065
01:18:40,465 --> 01:18:42,007
Bring him to lunch with you. No!

2066
01:18:42,342 --> 01:18:43,968
(SCREAMING)
GRETCHEN: I am...

2067
01:18:44,052 --> 01:18:45,094
Oh, my God!

2068
01:18:45,178 --> 01:18:46,929
...dying to
finally meet this guy.

2069
01:18:47,472 --> 01:18:48,931
(LAUGHING)

2070
01:18:49,266 --> 01:18:50,766
I'm dying to finally
meet all your friends.

2071
01:18:50,809 --> 01:18:52,852
Who the hell are those
guys? Those are my friends.

2072
01:18:52,978 --> 01:18:56,105
I am still missing the
groomsmen's information.

2073
01:18:56,523 --> 01:18:57,648
GRETCHEN: Those are
the strangest group of guys

2074
01:18:57,733 --> 01:18:58,983
I've ever seen in my life.

2075
01:18:59,526 --> 01:19:00,568
DOUG: Your friends
are gonna be there.

2076
01:19:00,652 --> 01:19:01,819
My friends are
all gonna be there.

2077
01:19:06,533 --> 01:19:07,908
DOUG: (ON PHONE) Sweetie.

2078
01:19:07,993 --> 01:19:09,410
Hey. Hon?

2079
01:19:11,830 --> 01:19:12,913
Gretchen, are you there?

2080
01:19:12,998 --> 01:19:13,998
Doug.

2081
01:19:14,166 --> 01:19:15,916
Don't you think
it's a bit strange

2082
01:19:16,001 --> 01:19:19,712
that you use Bic razors
and Mitchum deodorant,

2083
01:19:19,838 --> 01:19:22,506
and your best man's
name is Bic Mitchum?

2084
01:19:25,218 --> 01:19:28,220
Well, if your best friend
was named Jemima Colgate,

2085
01:19:28,305 --> 01:19:29,847
I bet you wouldn't
use Log Cabin syrup

2086
01:19:29,931 --> 01:19:31,432
or Aquafresh toothpaste,
would you?

2087
01:19:32,267 --> 01:19:33,851
It's called loyalty.

2088
01:19:34,019 --> 01:19:36,437
Hey, sweetie, listen,
you're just overstressed.

2089
01:19:36,605 --> 01:19:38,147
Why don't you get some sleep?
I'll see you tomorrow

2090
01:19:38,231 --> 01:19:40,274
for our big day. Okay?

2091
01:19:41,693 --> 01:19:42,985
Okay, bye.

2092
01:19:43,069 --> 01:19:44,361
Bye, sweetie.

2093
01:19:44,529 --> 01:19:46,197
(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

2094
01:19:48,033 --> 01:19:49,825
BRONSTEIN:
♪ I saw the light on the night

2095
01:19:49,910 --> 01:19:52,036
♪ that I passed
by her window

2096
01:19:54,539 --> 01:19:58,709
♪ I saw the flickering shadows
of love on her blind

2097
01:19:58,794 --> 01:20:00,961
♪ Bum-bum, da-da-a

2098
01:20:01,046 --> 01:20:05,591
♪ She was my woman

2099
01:20:05,675 --> 01:20:06,759
(LAUGHING)

2100
01:20:07,719 --> 01:20:09,303
♪ As she deceived me

2101
01:20:09,387 --> 01:20:12,097
♪ I watched and
went out of my mind

2102
01:20:12,265 --> 01:20:13,641
DOUG: And I said,
"It's called loyalty. "

2103
01:20:13,725 --> 01:20:15,142
I didn't teach you that.

2104
01:20:15,227 --> 01:20:17,394
No, that can't be taught.
You're born with that.

2105
01:20:17,479 --> 01:20:18,896
You look good, man.

2106
01:20:18,980 --> 01:20:20,564
Thank you. I wish I could
say the same for you.

2107
01:20:20,690 --> 01:20:21,774
(LAUGHING)

2108
01:20:22,150 --> 01:20:24,735
So, you know,
as I'm getting dressed,

2109
01:20:24,903 --> 01:20:29,156
I'm thinking to myself how
insane what we're doing is.

2110
01:20:29,324 --> 01:20:31,325
You just started
thinking that?

2111
01:20:31,409 --> 01:20:33,911
Well, I mean,
she's going to be my wife.

2112
01:20:34,955 --> 01:20:36,747
Shouldn't I be able
to tell her the truth?

2113
01:20:36,832 --> 01:20:38,290
I mean, the key
to relationships

2114
01:20:38,375 --> 01:20:39,542
is being honest, you know?

2115
01:20:39,751 --> 01:20:41,001
Up to a point.

2116
01:20:41,086 --> 01:20:44,255
It's all about making
her happy, Doug. All right?

2117
01:20:44,464 --> 01:20:46,632
Come on.
Let's go get you married.

2118
01:20:47,008 --> 01:20:48,008
Ah.

2119
01:20:48,176 --> 01:20:49,760
You look good, man.

2120
01:20:54,015 --> 01:20:55,099
(EXHALES)

2121
01:21:00,146 --> 01:21:04,942
ALL:
♪ My, my, my, Delilah

2122
01:21:06,611 --> 01:21:07,611
♪ Why, why... ♪

2123
01:21:07,696 --> 01:21:08,779
Hey, fellows.

2124
01:21:09,614 --> 01:21:10,990
Gather around.

2125
01:21:11,491 --> 01:21:14,285
Hey, hey. Guys, guys.
(ALL CONGRATULATING)

2126
01:21:14,619 --> 01:21:15,703
This is one of
the few times that

2127
01:21:15,787 --> 01:21:17,329
you're actually going
to hear me be honest.

2128
01:21:17,455 --> 01:21:19,623
Nine days ago, I didn't think
a Golden Tux was possible.

2129
01:21:20,041 --> 01:21:21,375
But in less than an hour,
we're going to have

2130
01:21:21,459 --> 01:21:22,710
200 unsuspecting guests

2131
01:21:22,794 --> 01:21:24,962
filling those pews to
celebrate some holy matrimony.

2132
01:21:25,046 --> 01:21:28,257
Which means that from this moment
on, we are flawless, gentlemen.

2133
01:21:28,341 --> 01:21:29,425
Have each other's
backs out there.

2134
01:21:29,509 --> 01:21:30,634
LURCH: Support each other.

2135
01:21:30,719 --> 01:21:32,386
Remember your HW2's,
your boomerangs,

2136
01:21:32,470 --> 01:21:33,804
and your Party Trick
Distractions.

2137
01:21:33,889 --> 01:21:35,639
Drysdale, set it off.
What time is it?

2138
01:21:35,724 --> 01:21:36,807
It's game time!

2139
01:21:36,892 --> 01:21:38,142
I said,
what time is it?

2140
01:21:38,226 --> 01:21:39,935
ALL: It's game time!

2141
01:21:40,812 --> 01:21:42,646
Guys, guys,
I'm down here. Guys.

2142
01:21:42,981 --> 01:21:44,315
(ALL CHEERING)

2143
01:21:44,858 --> 01:21:46,984
Douglas! Hi!
Perfect timing.

2144
01:21:47,068 --> 01:21:49,153
I was just telling
Papa Bear here

2145
01:21:49,237 --> 01:21:52,281
that we did have a
little bit of a "scandal"

2146
01:21:52,365 --> 01:21:53,824
with Father O'Brien.

2147
01:21:53,909 --> 01:21:55,951
He will not be able to
officiate the wedding.

2148
01:21:56,286 --> 01:21:57,328
But it's okay.
Rest assured,

2149
01:21:57,412 --> 01:21:58,871
I have everything
under control

2150
01:21:58,955 --> 01:22:00,748
because Father McNulty here,

2151
01:22:00,832 --> 01:22:02,666
he has agreed to step

2152
01:22:02,751 --> 01:22:04,585
as a replacement
of the shoes

2153
01:22:04,669 --> 01:22:05,753
of Father O'Brien.

2154
01:22:05,837 --> 01:22:07,838
Hello, Doug.
Hi. Great to meet you.

2155
01:22:08,006 --> 01:22:10,215
Father McNulty is
a wonderful priest.

2156
01:22:10,383 --> 01:22:12,426
I'm just happy the big day's
finally here, to be honest with you.

2157
01:22:12,510 --> 01:22:13,802
I would love for you
to meet all my friends.

2158
01:22:13,887 --> 01:22:15,179
This is my best man, Bic.

2159
01:22:16,181 --> 01:22:20,184
Uh, Bic must have
gone a different way.

2160
01:22:20,352 --> 01:22:21,936
Uh, would you guys mind
going to look for Bic?

2161
01:22:22,020 --> 01:22:24,104
I'd love for him to be
caught up on all this.

2162
01:22:24,272 --> 01:22:25,689
KIP: I'm going to go
see if he's praying.

2163
01:22:26,399 --> 01:22:27,441
What is going on?

2164
01:22:27,525 --> 01:22:28,651
What the hell is
Father McNulty doing here?

2165
01:22:28,735 --> 01:22:30,069
How do you know
Father McNulty?

2166
01:22:30,195 --> 01:22:31,779
Because he was my principal
at Benjamin Rush.

2167
01:22:31,863 --> 01:22:34,114
I spent half my damn middle school
years in his principal's office.

2168
01:22:34,199 --> 01:22:36,450
Please, please tell me
that you are kidding me.

2169
01:22:36,534 --> 01:22:38,911
This cannot be happening right
now. I need you to fix this.

2170
01:22:38,995 --> 01:22:40,037
What you want me to do?
If I go out there,

2171
01:22:40,121 --> 01:22:41,455
he knows I'm not
Bic Mitchum.

2172
01:22:41,539 --> 01:22:45,042
Shh! Wait. Wait.
I think I have an idea.

2173
01:22:50,215 --> 01:22:51,382
(DOOR OPENS)

2174
01:22:53,051 --> 01:22:54,885
Father McNulty?
Yes.

2175
01:22:56,304 --> 01:22:57,554
FITZGIBBONS: Go, go, go.

2176
01:22:57,764 --> 01:22:59,306
(CAMERA CLICKING)

2177
01:23:01,559 --> 01:23:02,726
(BODY THUDS)
REGGIE: Oh, shit!

2178
01:23:02,894 --> 01:23:04,478
200 grand out the door,

2179
01:23:04,562 --> 01:23:06,897
I expect...
No, I demand perfection.

2180
01:23:06,982 --> 01:23:08,482
Yes, Mr. Palmer,
I assure you...

2181
01:23:08,566 --> 01:23:09,942
Listen, Menudo,
first you tell me

2182
01:23:10,026 --> 01:23:11,652
my family priest
is a goddamn pervert.

2183
01:23:11,736 --> 01:23:13,904
Now you tell me Father
McNulty has disappeared.

2184
01:23:13,989 --> 01:23:15,823
Mr. Palmer,
I'll take care of this.

2185
01:23:15,907 --> 01:23:17,700
You better or I will
fuck you up.

2186
01:23:23,331 --> 01:23:25,624
(ORGAN PLAYING WAGNER'S
BRIDAL CHORUS)

2187
01:23:41,307 --> 01:23:43,308
♪ ♪

2188
01:23:56,656 --> 01:23:57,990
Shall we do this?

2189
01:23:59,617 --> 01:24:02,369
Do you, Gretchen Palmer,

2190
01:24:02,620 --> 01:24:06,415
take Douglas Ephraim
Ben Lazar Menahem Harris

2191
01:24:06,624 --> 01:24:08,667
to be your lawfully
wedded husband,

2192
01:24:09,002 --> 01:24:11,336
to have and to hold,

2193
01:24:11,671 --> 01:24:14,048
through sickness
and health,

2194
01:24:14,132 --> 01:24:15,299
till death do you part?

2195
01:24:15,467 --> 01:24:16,467
I do.

2196
01:24:18,219 --> 01:24:23,057
Do you, Douglas Ephraim
Ben Lazar Menahem Harris,

2197
01:24:23,141 --> 01:24:24,725
take Gretchen Palmer

2198
01:24:24,809 --> 01:24:26,268
to be your lawfully
wedded wife,

2199
01:24:27,187 --> 01:24:29,855
to have and to hold,

2200
01:24:30,231 --> 01:24:33,484
through sickness and health,
till death do you part?

2201
01:24:35,236 --> 01:24:36,278
I do.

2202
01:24:36,905 --> 01:24:37,905
(CHUCKLES)

2203
01:24:43,161 --> 01:24:46,205
I now pronounce you
husband and wife. (CHUCKLES)

2204
01:24:46,623 --> 01:24:48,832
(GUESTS LAUGHING) You
may now kiss the bride.

2205
01:24:50,335 --> 01:24:53,378
GUESTS: Aw. Ladies and
gentlemen, I present to you

2206
01:24:53,463 --> 01:24:55,339
Mr. and Mrs. Harris.

2207
01:24:55,507 --> 01:24:57,091
(WEDDING MUSIC PLAYING)

2208
01:24:59,552 --> 01:25:01,303
You are about to
blow that back out.

2209
01:25:01,387 --> 01:25:02,763
Don't do this here.
Don't do that.

2210
01:25:02,847 --> 01:25:04,181
What?
Nothing.

2211
01:25:11,022 --> 01:25:13,232
I'm a lounge singer myself
up there in Canada.

2212
01:25:13,316 --> 01:25:14,399
What kind of
stuff do you sing?

2213
01:25:14,484 --> 01:25:17,027
That's when I knew I
was born to work on feet.

2214
01:25:17,362 --> 01:25:19,738
You're a podiatrist?
I'm a podiatrist.

2215
01:25:20,907 --> 01:25:21,907
(BLOWS)

2216
01:25:24,661 --> 01:25:25,702
Big deal.

2217
01:25:25,787 --> 01:25:27,037
Where did you
go to school?

2218
01:25:27,205 --> 01:25:28,205
Uh...

2219
01:25:28,998 --> 01:25:30,249
You don't remember?

2220
01:25:30,625 --> 01:25:32,167
Harvard.
I went to Harvard.

2221
01:25:32,252 --> 01:25:34,211
I'm really inspired by black,
American soul singers.

2222
01:25:34,295 --> 01:25:35,629
Nice.
Like Tom Jones.

2223
01:25:35,880 --> 01:25:37,464
You went to Harvard
Podiatry School? Yeah.

2224
01:25:37,549 --> 01:25:39,216
What years?
20.

2225
01:25:39,300 --> 01:25:40,384
20?

2226
01:25:43,221 --> 01:25:45,472
Oh, wow.
You work out, huh?

2227
01:25:45,557 --> 01:25:46,807
Isn't Tom Jones white?

2228
01:25:46,891 --> 01:25:48,225
Yeah, isn't he
from Wales?

2229
01:25:49,352 --> 01:25:50,435
(GRUNTS)
(SHOULDER DISLOCATES)

2230
01:25:51,229 --> 01:25:52,563
(GASPS) Oh, my God!
Mom!

2231
01:25:52,730 --> 01:25:54,231
I'm fine. I'm fine.
BRIDESMAID: Oh, my God.

2232
01:25:54,399 --> 01:25:56,733
Well, do you want to
see? Boom. (ZIPPER OPENS)

2233
01:25:56,901 --> 01:25:58,861
Yeah, three balls.
Count them.

2234
01:26:01,030 --> 01:26:02,656
I thought you said
you was a vegan.

2235
01:26:05,368 --> 01:26:06,869
Okay, that's cool.
(CHUCKLES)

2236
01:26:06,953 --> 01:26:08,620
I can do it, too.
Stop.

2237
01:26:09,914 --> 01:26:10,873
That's mine.

2238
01:26:10,999 --> 01:26:13,000
I'm proud of you, Doug. I
really am. Well, thank you, sir.

2239
01:26:13,084 --> 01:26:14,710
I have to say,
I learned from the master.

2240
01:26:14,794 --> 01:26:16,628
Hey, well,
don't celebrate yet.

2241
01:26:16,713 --> 01:26:18,630
We still have
more work to do.

2242
01:26:18,715 --> 01:26:20,132
All right, I'm going
to wait for you outside.

2243
01:26:21,551 --> 01:26:23,510
Ugh. Can you believe this zipper
already broke? Okay, I'm coming.

2244
01:26:23,595 --> 01:26:26,096
Mrs. Harris, can I talk to you
for a second? I'll get the thing.

2245
01:26:26,264 --> 01:26:28,432
Uh, listen,
I may be partial here,

2246
01:26:28,516 --> 01:26:29,725
but I just want to say
that you have put on

2247
01:26:29,809 --> 01:26:31,018
the perfect wedding.
Really.

2248
01:26:31,102 --> 01:26:32,394
Perfect wedding?
(SCOFFS)

2249
01:26:32,478 --> 01:26:35,063
The zipper on my
$8,000 dress is broken,

2250
01:26:35,190 --> 01:26:36,940
the groomsmen are
accosting my bridesmaids,

2251
01:26:37,025 --> 01:26:39,818
my grandmother's burned from head
to toe, my dad's knee is shredded.

2252
01:26:39,903 --> 01:26:41,778
And don't even get me
started on the salad dressing.

2253
01:26:42,572 --> 01:26:45,282
But at least you have Doug.
True love conquers all.

2254
01:26:45,408 --> 01:26:46,617
True love? (SCOFFS)

2255
01:26:46,701 --> 01:26:49,119
Please. I'm just sick
of dating assholes.

2256
01:26:49,204 --> 01:26:51,496
Doug is a good guy,
he's good family material.

2257
01:26:51,581 --> 01:26:52,623
What can I say?
I'm a girl

2258
01:26:52,707 --> 01:26:54,041
that's used to a certain
kind of lifestyle,

2259
01:26:54,125 --> 01:26:55,459
and Doug can give me
that kind of lifestyle.

2260
01:26:55,543 --> 01:26:57,461
So, I've gotta go.

2261
01:27:01,925 --> 01:27:04,259
Bud, are you waiting on me?
Yeah. Yes.

2262
01:27:05,803 --> 01:27:07,888
Let's, uh, get back
out there, huh? Yeah.

2263
01:27:07,972 --> 01:27:10,265
Time for the first dance.
Yes, it is.

2264
01:27:11,893 --> 01:27:12,893
(EXHALES)

2265
01:27:12,977 --> 01:27:17,773
♪ You are so beautiful

2266
01:27:17,941 --> 01:27:19,107
(CAMERA CLICKING)

2267
01:27:22,237 --> 01:27:23,946
♪ To me

2268
01:27:26,658 --> 01:27:31,662
♪ You are so beautiful

2269
01:27:35,792 --> 01:27:37,793
♪ To me

2270
01:27:38,920 --> 01:27:40,087
HAL LANE: Will the rest of
the wedding party

2271
01:27:40,171 --> 01:27:42,422
please join the happy couple?

2272
01:27:44,467 --> 01:27:48,053
♪ You're everything
I hoped for

2273
01:27:51,099 --> 01:27:54,559
♪ You're everything I need

2274
01:27:57,021 --> 01:27:58,605
So, who are you really?

2275
01:27:58,690 --> 01:28:00,190
I'm not sure I know
what you mean by that.

2276
01:28:00,275 --> 01:28:02,901
There has just been some
questionable behavior

2277
01:28:02,986 --> 01:28:04,778
over the last
couple of days.

2278
01:28:04,862 --> 01:28:07,197
Like you setting my
grandmother on fire. Oh.

2279
01:28:07,615 --> 01:28:09,366
The secret military codes.
Mmm-hmm.

2280
01:28:09,450 --> 01:28:11,118
"Kitchen cabinets. "

2281
01:28:11,703 --> 01:28:13,787
What you have to understand
is that the Lord works

2282
01:28:13,871 --> 01:28:15,122
in mysterious ways.

2283
01:28:15,206 --> 01:28:16,707
(LAUGHING)
And he thanketh...

2284
01:28:16,791 --> 01:28:18,417
I don't know
about the Lord.

2285
01:28:18,501 --> 01:28:21,211
You work in
mysterious ways.

2286
01:28:21,546 --> 01:28:25,257
♪... me ♪

2287
01:28:25,591 --> 01:28:26,800
(APPLAUSE)

2288
01:28:27,051 --> 01:28:28,885
Thanks for the dance.
No problem.

2289
01:28:29,554 --> 01:28:31,221
Thank you.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)

2290
01:28:32,640 --> 01:28:35,058
I got to talk.
We got to talk.

2291
01:28:36,144 --> 01:28:39,021
♪ It's only a paper moon ♪

2292
01:28:39,689 --> 01:28:41,023
What's the problem?
What's going on?

2293
01:28:41,107 --> 01:28:42,482
I think I made
a terrible mistake.

2294
01:28:42,817 --> 01:28:44,943
Gretchen doesn't love me.
She never has.

2295
01:28:45,028 --> 01:28:46,862
Stop it. Stop.
Of course, she loves you.

2296
01:28:47,071 --> 01:28:48,447
Why would you
even say that?

2297
01:28:48,531 --> 01:28:50,365
I overheard the two of you
talking, okay?

2298
01:28:52,744 --> 01:28:55,412
Okay, listen. Maybe she's
confused, or she has the jitters.

2299
01:28:55,496 --> 01:28:57,622
That's perfectly normal for
a woman at this stage, Doug.

2300
01:28:57,749 --> 01:28:59,333
You have to understand
that. It doesn't matter.

2301
01:28:59,417 --> 01:29:00,917
I don't love her, either.

2302
01:29:01,210 --> 01:29:03,045
I love the idea that
a girl who looks that hot

2303
01:29:03,129 --> 01:29:04,504
could like me.

2304
01:29:04,589 --> 01:29:07,507
I couldn't believe it. But
she's not "the one," Jimmy.

2305
01:29:07,592 --> 01:29:08,925
She's not even
"the two"

2306
01:29:09,010 --> 01:29:10,302
or "the three,"
for that matter.

2307
01:29:10,553 --> 01:29:11,970
Doug, nine days ago,
you came to me

2308
01:29:12,055 --> 01:29:13,430
and you asked me
to pull off a miracle.

2309
01:29:13,514 --> 01:29:14,514
Right now,
we're 30 minutes away

2310
01:29:14,599 --> 01:29:15,640
from pulling off
a Golden Tux.

2311
01:29:15,767 --> 01:29:17,351
I know. But then what?

2312
01:29:17,435 --> 01:29:19,019
Then I go back to
living what turns out

2313
01:29:19,103 --> 01:29:21,646
was a pretty lonely life. I
don't want that life anymore.

2314
01:29:22,106 --> 01:29:23,523
I don't want to be that guy.

2315
01:29:23,608 --> 01:29:24,941
Doug, you have to
calm down.

2316
01:29:25,026 --> 01:29:26,234
Everything is going
to be all right.

2317
01:29:26,319 --> 01:29:28,862
I don't want it
to be all right.

2318
01:29:28,946 --> 01:29:30,614
I want it to be great.

2319
01:29:30,782 --> 01:29:32,741
I want my real life to be

2320
01:29:32,825 --> 01:29:34,368
as fun as the one I paid for.

2321
01:29:34,452 --> 01:29:36,536
No shit, Doug.

2322
01:29:36,621 --> 01:29:38,455
You don't think
I want that? Hmm?

2323
01:29:38,915 --> 01:29:41,041
You don't think I want to
be a Delta Air Line pilot

2324
01:29:41,125 --> 01:29:42,334
or the CFO of Lubriderm

2325
01:29:42,418 --> 01:29:43,919
or whatever the hell
else I made up,

2326
01:29:44,003 --> 01:29:46,838
instead of being some guy that works
out of a renovated fucking closet?

2327
01:29:46,923 --> 01:29:48,006
You don't think
I would ask Alison

2328
01:29:48,091 --> 01:29:49,549
to come out and have
a burrito with me?

2329
01:29:49,634 --> 01:29:51,301
Me? With Jimmy Callahan?

2330
01:29:51,386 --> 01:29:53,470
Or say, "Hey, Doug, come on,
let's go have a beer next week.

2331
01:29:53,638 --> 01:29:54,805
"Maybe we can catch a game. "

2332
01:29:54,889 --> 01:29:57,099
I want to do all of
that shit, but I can't.

2333
01:29:57,183 --> 01:29:59,059
Because I can't go out
there and tell the truth.

2334
01:29:59,143 --> 01:30:01,186
Because you need Bic.

2335
01:30:03,272 --> 01:30:04,731
Nobody needs Jimmy, man.

2336
01:30:04,816 --> 01:30:08,110
Okay? Not a single soul
needs Jimmy.

2337
01:30:08,611 --> 01:30:10,987
That's reality, Doug.

2338
01:30:11,322 --> 01:30:13,573
I'm going to go out here and
I'm going to make my toast,

2339
01:30:13,658 --> 01:30:15,242
and me and you,
we are done here.

2340
01:30:15,326 --> 01:30:17,285
We're done.

2341
01:30:17,370 --> 01:30:19,538
I suggest you get your
head back in the game.

2342
01:30:19,622 --> 01:30:20,997
It's showtime.

2343
01:30:27,672 --> 01:30:31,133
♪ If you believed in me ♪

2344
01:30:32,135 --> 01:30:34,803
Good evening. My name is Bic Mitchum,

2345
01:30:34,887 --> 01:30:36,221
and, uh,
I just want to say

2346
01:30:36,305 --> 01:30:38,181
that it's an honor
to be here.

2347
01:30:38,641 --> 01:30:40,142
I've delivered many sermons,

2348
01:30:40,226 --> 01:30:41,810
but never
a best man's speech,

2349
01:30:41,894 --> 01:30:43,186
so, please bear with me.

2350
01:30:43,354 --> 01:30:44,438
(LAUGHING)
(GUESTS LAUGHING)

2351
01:30:44,605 --> 01:30:46,231
Doug and I have been
through a lot together.

2352
01:30:46,315 --> 01:30:48,775
Happy times and sad.

2353
01:30:48,860 --> 01:30:50,110
When I was accepted
into the priesthood,

2354
01:30:50,194 --> 01:30:52,612
Doug was there waiting
for me with a huge hug

2355
01:30:52,697 --> 01:30:55,115
and a Bible that was
signed by Cardinal Enders.

2356
01:30:55,199 --> 01:30:56,950
And when his parents,
Merle and Irene,

2357
01:30:57,034 --> 01:30:58,702
passed,
God rest their souls,

2358
01:30:59,370 --> 01:31:00,579
I cried as if
they were my own.

2359
01:31:01,789 --> 01:31:03,457
You know, my grandmother
once told me

2360
01:31:03,541 --> 01:31:06,710
that the true measure
of friendship isn't...

2361
01:31:08,212 --> 01:31:10,547
Isn't how you feel
about someone else.

2362
01:31:12,717 --> 01:31:16,052
It's about how they make
you feel about yourself.

2363
01:31:18,347 --> 01:31:19,473
And, uh...

2364
01:31:20,683 --> 01:31:23,810
I can honestly say that
I've never had a friend

2365
01:31:23,895 --> 01:31:26,396
to make me feel the way
that you have, Doug.

2366
01:31:29,233 --> 01:31:30,901
(CHUCKLES) Uh...

2367
01:31:36,574 --> 01:31:37,657
Um...

2368
01:31:45,416 --> 01:31:47,042
I'm sorry. Uh...

2369
01:31:50,546 --> 01:31:54,090
When Doug called me and told
me that he wanted to propose,

2370
01:31:56,010 --> 01:31:59,846
I was nervous. I was probably
just as nervous as he was.

2371
01:32:01,015 --> 01:32:03,099
And I remember asking him,

2372
01:32:04,852 --> 01:32:06,937
"Are you sure
she's 'the one'?"

2373
01:32:12,735 --> 01:32:13,735
(MOUTHS) Damn it.

2374
01:32:16,113 --> 01:32:17,155
He told me he, uh...

2375
01:32:17,240 --> 01:32:18,240
Stop!

2376
01:32:20,618 --> 01:32:23,078
What are you doing?
Just, uh, stop.

2377
01:32:23,704 --> 01:32:24,788
(CHUCKLES)

2378
01:32:25,289 --> 01:32:26,790
I don't know.

2379
01:32:27,375 --> 01:32:28,667
Doug.
(GUESTS MURMURING)

2380
01:32:29,210 --> 01:32:30,377
(CHUCKLES)

2381
01:32:33,130 --> 01:32:34,422
What are you doing, Doug?

2382
01:32:34,507 --> 01:32:37,133
Are you sure that you want
to go through with this?

2383
01:32:37,301 --> 01:32:39,302
Thanks, Jimmy.
I've got it from here.

2384
01:32:41,347 --> 01:32:45,016
Hi. I've got
something to say.

2385
01:32:45,935 --> 01:32:48,144
None of this is real.
(GUESTS GASPING)

2386
01:32:48,354 --> 01:32:49,688
Ooh.
Uh-oh.

2387
01:32:50,606 --> 01:32:51,773
What?

2388
01:32:52,858 --> 01:32:54,651
See, although
the flowers are beautiful

2389
01:32:54,735 --> 01:32:57,487
and the salad
dressing is great,

2390
01:32:57,822 --> 01:32:59,114
we're not married,

2391
01:32:59,198 --> 01:33:00,824
Gretchen and I.
(GUESTS GASPING)

2392
01:33:01,158 --> 01:33:02,117
We can't be

2393
01:33:02,201 --> 01:33:04,786
because my friend Bic
is not a priest.

2394
01:33:05,580 --> 01:33:06,913
Oh, shit, here we go.

2395
01:33:06,998 --> 01:33:08,915
Yeah. In fact, he's not
even in the Army.

2396
01:33:09,000 --> 01:33:10,500
His real name is Jimmy,

2397
01:33:10,585 --> 01:33:12,294
and I hired him
to be my best man

2398
01:33:12,378 --> 01:33:14,254
because I had
no other options.

2399
01:33:14,338 --> 01:33:15,797
Same with all my groomsmen.

2400
01:33:15,881 --> 01:33:18,258
I actually don't even know
their real last names.

2401
01:33:18,342 --> 01:33:19,926
Bronstein.
... is Japanese.

2402
01:33:20,094 --> 01:33:22,262
It's good to meet you
guys. So, please stay

2403
01:33:22,346 --> 01:33:23,930
and enjoy the cake.

2404
01:33:24,015 --> 01:33:25,015
(GUESTS MURMURING)

2405
01:33:26,017 --> 01:33:27,100
What do we do now?

2406
01:33:27,184 --> 01:33:28,435
We need to get
the fuck out of here.

2407
01:33:28,519 --> 01:33:29,603
Yeah.
Great stuff tonight.

2408
01:33:29,687 --> 01:33:30,729
Thank you so much, bud.

2409
01:33:31,355 --> 01:33:33,398
Are you out of
your fucking mind?

2410
01:33:33,524 --> 01:33:34,899
(ALL GASPING)
(GASPS)

2411
01:33:35,860 --> 01:33:37,277
Look, Gretch,
who were we kidding?

2412
01:33:37,361 --> 01:33:39,112
You didn't grow up
dreaming of a guy like me.

2413
01:33:39,196 --> 01:33:41,656
Your knight is out there
somewhere. Go find him.

2414
01:33:41,824 --> 01:33:43,575
ED: I'm going to
tear your head off.

2415
01:33:43,826 --> 01:33:45,952
You goddamn motherfucking
pathetic piece of shit.

2416
01:33:46,037 --> 01:33:47,704
Señor, let's just relax.
Get out of my way, you fairy.

2417
01:33:47,788 --> 01:33:48,955
Fairy? (GRUNTS)
(GUESTS GASPING)

2418
01:33:49,749 --> 01:33:51,291
(SPEAKING SPANISH)

2419
01:33:52,168 --> 01:33:54,169
Love you, Dougie!
HOLLY: Calm down.

2420
01:33:54,462 --> 01:33:56,171
GRETCHEN: You motherfuckers!

2421
01:33:56,255 --> 01:33:57,881
I swear to God...

2422
01:34:02,345 --> 01:34:03,470
(SCREAMING)
What the fuck?

2423
01:34:03,554 --> 01:34:04,888
I will cut you!

2424
01:34:05,640 --> 01:34:06,723
Shit, man.

2425
01:34:07,350 --> 01:34:09,976
Good game, kid. That
was a hell of a catch.

2426
01:34:10,061 --> 01:34:11,061
(SLAPS)
Oh.

2427
01:34:11,187 --> 01:34:12,187
All right. Thanks.

2428
01:34:12,647 --> 01:34:14,773
Hey. No ass-touching
off the field, Joe.

2429
01:34:14,857 --> 01:34:16,483
I knew you were
full of shit

2430
01:34:16,567 --> 01:34:17,776
from the moment I met you.

2431
01:34:17,860 --> 01:34:19,861
I know this is gonna sound crazy,
but if you're ever in the mood,

2432
01:34:19,945 --> 01:34:21,279
I know a place that
has great burritos.

2433
01:34:21,364 --> 01:34:22,489
You just ruined
my sister's wedding

2434
01:34:22,573 --> 01:34:23,782
and you're asking me
out on a date?

2435
01:34:23,866 --> 01:34:25,241
Yes, I am.
Can I call you?

2436
01:34:26,911 --> 01:34:28,244
Yeah, you better.
I will.

2437
01:34:28,746 --> 01:34:29,746
Oh.

2438
01:34:35,628 --> 01:34:37,545
(EXHALES) We were
this close, Doug.

2439
01:34:37,630 --> 01:34:39,172
Yeah, well,
maybe next time.

2440
01:34:39,340 --> 01:34:40,340
Yeah.

2441
01:34:40,758 --> 01:34:41,758
Oh.

2442
01:34:42,051 --> 01:34:43,051
Here.

2443
01:34:44,845 --> 01:34:46,388
You saved me, Jimmy.

2444
01:34:46,472 --> 01:34:48,181
Yeah, well,
you saved me, too.

2445
01:34:48,432 --> 01:34:50,225
Did you mean what
you said back there?

2446
01:34:51,602 --> 01:34:52,644
Am I really your friend?

2447
01:34:53,312 --> 01:34:54,688
Yeah, of course I meant it.

2448
01:34:56,440 --> 01:34:58,316
Does that mean you
don't want my money?

2449
01:34:58,401 --> 01:35:00,652
Fuck yeah, I want this money.
I earned this money, man.

2450
01:35:00,736 --> 01:35:01,861
Damn it.

2451
01:35:01,946 --> 01:35:03,613
So, what the hell
do we do now?

2452
01:35:03,781 --> 01:35:05,865
You still have those two first-class
tickets for your honeymoon?

2453
01:35:05,950 --> 01:35:07,784
Yeah, why?
I've got an idea.

2454
01:35:08,285 --> 01:35:11,329
This is going to be the best
honeymoon ever! (ALL CHEERING)

2455
01:35:11,580 --> 01:35:13,623
Ever honeymoon best
the be to going is this!

2456
01:35:13,958 --> 01:35:14,999
Cheers, my friend.

2457
01:35:15,084 --> 01:35:16,084
To your first guy trip.

2458
01:35:16,293 --> 01:35:17,460
Mmm. I'll drink to that.

2459
01:35:18,796 --> 01:35:20,213
FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
Everyone, please,

2460
01:35:20,297 --> 01:35:22,298
I need you to
take your seats.

2461
01:35:22,466 --> 01:35:24,300
Please fasten
your seat belts.

2462
01:35:24,927 --> 01:35:26,803
Can I unfasten
my pants belt?

2463
01:35:27,263 --> 01:35:28,388
Oh.

2464
01:35:30,182 --> 01:35:31,891
Oh, hello. Would you mind
holding this for a second?

2465
01:35:31,976 --> 01:35:33,727
Yes, Doug.
Thank you so much.

2466
01:35:33,811 --> 01:35:35,270
Oh, no. Okay.

2467
01:35:35,563 --> 01:35:36,563
Oh.

2468
01:35:38,566 --> 01:35:39,733
(GIGGLING)

2469
01:35:40,651 --> 01:35:42,902
Oh! Hi, there!

2470
01:35:43,779 --> 01:35:45,822
(GASPS) You like that,
don't you?

2471
01:35:46,115 --> 01:35:48,074
Is that a dog? You can't
have a dog on the plane.

2472
01:35:48,159 --> 01:35:49,284
This? No,
it's a service dog.

2473
01:35:49,368 --> 01:35:50,744
That's a service dog, man.

2474
01:35:50,828 --> 01:35:52,078
Let me show you what
type of service it can do.

2475
01:35:52,413 --> 01:35:53,580
Somebody send up
the peanut butter!

2476
01:35:53,664 --> 01:35:54,873
No! No peanut butter!
(DOG BARKING)

2477
01:35:55,166 --> 01:35:56,708
♪ You put the weed
in the coconut

2478
01:35:56,792 --> 01:35:58,418
ALL:
♪ You light that shit up

2479
01:35:58,502 --> 01:36:00,211
♪ You put the weed
in the coconut

2480
01:36:00,296 --> 01:36:01,421
♪ And light that shit up

2481
01:36:01,589 --> 01:36:04,340
♪ You put the weed in the
coconut And light that shit up

2482
01:36:04,675 --> 01:36:06,593
(HIGH-PITCHED) ♪ You put
the weed in the coconut

2483
01:36:06,677 --> 01:36:08,178
♪ And light that shit up

2484
01:36:08,429 --> 01:36:12,015
♪ You put the weed
in the coconut

2485
01:36:12,141 --> 01:36:14,476
♪ And you light
that shit up ♪

2486
01:36:14,560 --> 01:36:16,644
JIMMY: Stop it, Doug.

2487
01:36:16,812 --> 01:36:18,688
I got a bad feeling
about this flight.

2488
01:36:18,856 --> 01:36:20,106
♪ Grab your shotgun

2489
01:36:20,274 --> 01:36:21,649
♪ Cock it back

2490
01:36:21,776 --> 01:36:24,235
♪ Shoot the sun
until the sky is black

2491
01:36:24,779 --> 01:36:27,697
♪ Now I sure hope
that the sun got rhythm

2492
01:36:27,865 --> 01:36:30,700
♪ 'Cause he gonna dance
when that music hit him

2493
01:36:30,951 --> 01:36:34,078
♪ Like bang, bang, bang
Darkness falls

2494
01:36:34,205 --> 01:36:37,123
♪ In the nighttime
I'm camouflage

2495
01:36:37,333 --> 01:36:40,251
♪ Now I-I-I-I
don't know who you are

2496
01:36:40,336 --> 01:36:43,254
♪ But, girl, I wanna know
if you can move like this

2497
01:36:43,380 --> 01:36:45,381
♪ And I-I-I-I

2498
01:36:45,466 --> 01:36:47,091
♪ Don't know
if you gonna tell me

2499
01:36:47,176 --> 01:36:49,344
♪ But I wanna know
what your name is

2500
01:36:49,595 --> 01:36:51,513
♪ And you-you-you-you

2501
01:36:51,597 --> 01:36:53,473
♪ Gonna make me
fall in love with you

2502
01:36:53,557 --> 01:36:55,433
♪ If you keep on
shaking your hips

2503
01:36:55,518 --> 01:36:58,353
♪ Now can you do this?
♪ Yeah, I can do that

2504
01:36:58,437 --> 01:37:07,654
♪ Can you do this?
♪ Yeah, I can do that

2505
01:37:07,738 --> 01:37:10,824
♪ I know you think
that you can move

2506
01:37:10,908 --> 01:37:13,868
♪ But can you groove
the way I groove?

2507
01:37:20,584 --> 01:37:22,001
♪ Grab your slingshot

2508
01:37:22,086 --> 01:37:23,586
♪ Find a stone

2509
01:37:23,754 --> 01:37:26,673
♪ Shoot the moon
until the night is gone

2510
01:37:26,757 --> 01:37:29,759
♪ Now I sure hope
that moon got rhythm

2511
01:37:29,885 --> 01:37:32,804
♪ 'Cause he gonna rock
when my stone hit him

2512
01:37:32,930 --> 01:37:35,932
♪ Like boom, boom, boom
Let me shine

2513
01:37:36,016 --> 01:37:38,977
♪ He should know
that the day is mine

2514
01:37:39,144 --> 01:37:42,146
♪ Now I-I-I-I
don't know who you are

2515
01:37:42,273 --> 01:37:45,275
♪ But, girl, I wanna know
if you can move like this

2516
01:37:45,359 --> 01:37:47,277
♪ And I-I-I-I

2517
01:37:47,361 --> 01:37:48,778
♪ Don't know
if you gonna tell me

2518
01:37:48,863 --> 01:37:51,364
♪ But I wanna know
what your name is

2519
01:37:51,448 --> 01:37:53,491
♪ And you-you-you-you

2520
01:37:53,576 --> 01:37:55,702
♪ Gonna make me
fall in love with you

2521
01:37:55,786 --> 01:37:57,161
♪ If you keep on
shaking your hips

2522
01:37:57,246 --> 01:38:00,290
♪ Now can you do this?
♪ Yeah, I can do that

2523
01:38:00,374 --> 01:38:09,549
♪ Can you do this?
♪ Yeah, I can do that

2524
01:38:09,633 --> 01:38:12,802
♪ I know you think
that you can move

2525
01:38:12,928 --> 01:38:16,222
♪ But can you groove
the way I groove?

2526
01:38:16,307 --> 01:38:19,225
♪ Now why are you
standing on the wall?

2527
01:38:19,476 --> 01:38:22,186
♪ Did you come
to dance at all?

2528
01:38:22,271 --> 01:38:25,481
♪ I'm watching you,
girl, watching me

2529
01:38:25,608 --> 01:38:28,318
♪ If you got moves
then let me see

2530
01:38:28,444 --> 01:38:31,779
♪ Can you do this?
♪ Can you do this, lady?

2531
01:38:31,864 --> 01:38:34,782
♪ Can you do this?
♪ Can you move like I do?

2532
01:38:34,909 --> 01:38:37,952
♪ Can you do this? ♪ Can
you shake, shake it, mama?

2533
01:38:38,037 --> 01:38:40,747
♪ Can you do this?
♪ Can you break it on down?

2534
01:38:40,831 --> 01:38:52,926
♪ Can you do this?
♪ Yeah, I can do that

2535
01:38:53,052 --> 01:38:56,262
♪ I know you think
that you can groove

2536
01:38:56,347 --> 01:38:59,140
♪ But can you move
the way I move? ♪

2537
01:39:07,149 --> 01:40:50,293
♪ ♪

2538
01:41:09,271 --> 01:41:10,772
Okay. Yeah.
Okay?

2539
01:41:10,939 --> 01:41:12,106
Put your weight
into it.

2540
01:41:12,191 --> 01:41:13,191
(GRUNTING)

2541
01:41:13,317 --> 01:41:14,484
(GROANING)
Oh!

2542
01:41:14,651 --> 01:41:16,360
You hit me in my back.

2543
01:41:16,987 --> 01:41:19,072
I trust you, you're not
gonna do it. Don't trust me!

2544
01:41:20,282 --> 01:41:21,324
(RACKET CLATTERING)