[SBURBvivor] - A Meeting Of Minds

THE SET UP:
Beyond the edges of this Universe's Reaches exists a separate world, a 'Canon' Timeline that houses the Eight Original God-Tiers (Alpha, Beta) and the few remaining survivors of their Sessions in a Non-Doomed Timeline within Paradox Space. From this pocket of Canon Timeline, these Eight Gods created our Universe, the Universe of SBURBvivor, but the time has come. Our universe is rotting away as all things do when touched by the ever-consuming hands of Entropy, but there is hope.

The Original Gods have, (much to the surprise of everyone -except- for one Joel Egbert and Dell Strider, who were aware of the Gods' existences), reached out via the medium of Digital Communication to speak with 'The Founders', the Ectobiological Offspring of the Original Gods in our Universe. This meeting is to reveal key and important information needed to carry out the plan of assisting the God Tiers in creating yet -another- New Universe to escape our inevitable Doom.

>>THE CAST LIST:
JOHN EGBERT, friendleader and head of the eight godly humans.
ROSE LALONDE, Seer of Light, comforting presence, and actual adult.
DIRK STRIDER, unrepentant asshole and the narrative's drive.
JANE CROCKER, delighted first-time mother and wrench in the plans.
JAKE ENGLISH, oblivious father and hope-filled cheerleader.
DAVE STRIDER, exasperated bud and chill counterbalance.
KARKAT VANTAS, friendleader and real head of everyone, period.

>>NOT SEEN:
ROXY LALONDE, JADE HARLEY, two gods.
ARADIA MEGIDO AND SOLLUX CAPTOR, two gods.
VRISKA SERKET, KANAYA MARYAM, TEREZI PYROPE, non-Gods.

>>OF THE FOUNDERS:
JOEL EGBERT, founder of Skaianet and herald of the apocalypse.
JUDE CROCKER, founder of Crockercorp and defender of the known universe.
JEAN HARLEY, super-genius scientist and hereditary seatholder at Skaianet.
JUNE ENGLISH, absentee sister and archaeologist-founder of the English Foundation.
REMY LALONDE, delightful goth prep published author and hereditary seatholder at Skaianet.
RICH LALONDE, Crockercorp worker and ghost, living within its catacombs.
DELL STRIDER, hereditary seatholder of Skaianet and dedicated dudebro of Joel.
DAWN STRIDER, Crockercorp busybody and crafty binch, working to save millions (lives, not dollars).

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JOHN: okay. so here's the deal!
JOHN: this is it! this is the big thing.
JOHN: we all meet our, uh. goo descendants.
JOHN: it kind of sounds better than kids.
JOHN: and from here the chain of events begins that uh. can you remind me?
DIRK: So you've already fucked up but that's cool.
DIRK: According to the lispy one, who, might I add, was pretty pissed off about the fact, this act of contact inherently dooms these individuals.
JAKE: Oh jiminy cripes.
DIRK: Not doom the timeline. If anything, this makes it healthier.
DIRK: We did it. We finally have a canon timeline. Thank fucking Christ. I cannot physically express to you how tired I am of watching this shit go down. Preserving a multiverse sure blows.
JOHN: okay, you didn't really say anything helpful.
JOHN: you just complained and insulted someone.
DIRK: That's what I'm here for, John.
JOHN: so anyways! our not-kids are going to be muted for most of this.
JOHN: if i know one thing about all of us it's that we love to talk and they do too.
JOHN: but seriously they do.
JOHN: a lot.
JOHN: all we need to do is make contact. whatever we say doesn't really matter.
JANE: Well, I for one am ready to get on with it!
JANE: I can't say I'm not delighted to talk to my two offspring.
JAKE: Well i suppose theyre also mine of a sort.
JOHN: i'm not explaining their ectobiology again.
JOHN: june is not your kid jane!
DIRK: If anyone has more dumb shit to say, say it now. And later, of course, wouldn't want to pass up the primo opportunity to humiliate your divine selves in front of a bunch of literal children.
KARKAT: IF YOU ALL ARE DONE MAKING GIGANTIC GAPING WASTECHUTES OF YOURSELVES WE SHOULD PROBABLY
KARKAT: YOU KNOW
KARKAT: ACTUALLY FUCKING TALK TO THE PROJECT TERRARIUM OF WHAT WILL EVENTUALLY BECOME THE CRADLE OF OUR NEW UNIVERSE.
KARKAT: SO, WITH THAT ALL BEING SAID:
KARKAT: HELLO FELLOW SHITSTAINS OF PARADOX SPACE. WHILE I PERSONALLY TAKE A MODICUM OF PRIDE IN NOT ACTUALLY BEING YOUR FUCKING GOD, YOU FIND YOURSELF TRAPPED IN A SITUATION THAT IS INVIABLY WORSE:
KARKAT: THE PANTHEON OF EIGHT GLORIOUS AND CELESTIAL FUCKWITS WHO DO ACTUALLY AND IN FACT CALL THEMSELVES YOUR INEFFABLE GODS ARE A CIRCUS OF BUGWINGED MORONII WHO HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY'RE DOING. GOOD LUCK.
ROSE: This is all about as tactful as one could hope, all things and present company considered.
ROSE: Shall we?
[JOEL, JUDE, DELL, DAWN, REMY, RICH, JEAN, JUNE HAVE BEEN ADDED TO THE MEMO!]
[JOEL...ETC HAVE BEEN AUTO-MUTED!]
JOHN: hi guys! i'm your dad.
JOHN: well more specifically joel's dad.
JOHN: well most specifically an immortal teenage version of joel's dad.
JOHN: listen! that's not what's important right now. i mean it is, i'm really glad all of your parents get to meet you. nevermind.
DIRK: We're here to herald the end times. You're all very important to the end of the universe, I'll tell you that. But in an exciting way. A cool way.
DIRK: A prophetic way.
DIRK: Consider this universe: for the purposes of this explanation, it's an apple, rotting from the core out.
DIRK: The boundaries of your reality are that thin peel sitting atop.
DIRK: The infection hasn't yet reached your perception, but pretty soon your universe is going to be breaking apart, the laws of physics thrown out the window, and all of you will die.
DIRK: Not a single consciousness left within this realm.
DIRK: The good news is you're not all going to die.
JANE: I'll take it from here, Dirk!
DIRK: Go for it.
JANE: If I'm running with that analogy, then there are a lot of gardeners (oh, and I'd know a lot about gardening, ask me any time about my prize roses!) on your planet that are going to tend to a new...apple tree!
DIRK: Okay, decent.
JANE: And this tree will bear a single, pristine apple. Your new universe! :B
JANE: And you'll all, erm, live on that peel.
JANE: I don't think your analogy was constructed correctly, Dirk. I'm realizing that.
JAKE: Well dirk i think your analogy was just swell.
JAKE: But anyways ill try to finish this up.
JOHN: don't.
JANE: Absolutely do not.
DIRK: Not necessary.
JAKE: No ones going to be going into the void!
JAKE: Theres a new universe hatching like a little egg.
JAKE: And youre all going to, erm, go into that egg shell and inhabit it and become the yolk.
JAKE: Look theres going to be a new whole big world and youll be transported there.
DAVE: im so glad that im not technically related to any of you right now
DAVE: i dont think that there's much else i'm thankful for in this moment than the clusterfuck ambiguity that is my actual heritage
ROSE: Eloquent and unnecessary, as always Mr. Strider Jr.
ROSE: What all of this means in laymen's terms is that your universe, the one you currently find yourself living inside of, is dying.
ROSE: We've already taken steps towards ensuring the least amount of loss of life as possible with the hand of cards you've been dealt.
ROSE: As I'm sure some of you may have noticed, Skaianet has been preparing 'God Tiers' for the eventual Seeding and Rebirth of your Universe.
ROSE: While this has caused a few sparing deaths, the lost souls forfeited to SBURB in order to ensure strong and capable God Tiers are not even a fraction of the lives potentially lost by the oncoming Apocalypse.
ROSE: I would firstly like to start out and confirm: None of you caused this Apocalypse. Don't beat yourselves up about this.
KARKAT: WE SIMILARLY LOST OUR OWN UNIVERSES TO THIS SLOWLY GROWING ENTROPIC CANCER.
KARKAT: BELIEVE IT OR FUCKING NOT YOU ARE ONE OF PROBABLY A BILLION UNIVERSES TO GO THROUGH THIS.
KARKAT: THE ONLY DIFFERENCE HERE IS THAT YOU LUCKY FUCKHEADS HAVE THE EXACT IMPROBABLE COMPONENTS TO ENSURE A VIABLE REBIRTH FROM YOUR DECAYING PARADOX CORPSE.
JANE: How wonderful! Hoo hoo! Anyways!
JANE: Jude darling it is so nice to finally meet you! Let me tell you, mother, and that's me, was quite pleased with that little trick regarding the cookbook! I knew you would turn out to be intelligent! Fierce! A real go-getter, just like 'mom'!
JANE: And you've built an entire empire! You know, greatness runs in your veins! The stories I could tell you about your lineage...
JOHN: jane, stop!
JOHN: rose and karkat are right.
DIRK: Yes, thank you for helping them with their immeasurable grief.
DIRK: I expect a great loss of life due to the inevitable war that will reach your doorsteps, and a paralleled war millions of light-years away.
DIRK: By the way, hiding the existence of xenosapients from an entire planet? That's a little morally ambiguous.
DIRK: Well, generally speaking, all of you are incredibly morally ambiguous, all the time.
JAKE: Not my junie shes just swell. Hello junie!
JAKE: Youve really been on a ripsnorting pants tearing adventure ever since you were born huh!
JAKE: Now thats what i like to see!
JANE: June, darling, ignore him. I'm very happy to see that you, too, are as...well, you're successful in a different way from your brother.
JANE: It has been a lot of fun watching you run around on islands and suchlike.
DIRK: Stop. You're both giving them retroactive daddy and mommy issues.
JOHN: wow. okay.
JOHN: anyways dirk is right. on both counts!
JOHN: there's a war coming, and you should probably prepare in whatever way you want to.
JOHN: i mean, it's not like i'm your dad or anything.
JOHN: :B
JOHN: i'm not the boss of any of you! do what you think is the right thing to do.
JOHN: because you can't do anything wrong!
JOHN: no matter what you do, it's the right choice for this universe!
JANE: I cannot believe I have two beautiful children.
JOHN: jane i've explained everyone's family tree to you like thirty times.
JOHN: do you know how annoying it is to count thirty striders and lalondes?
JOHN: and figure out if someone's a crocker or an egbert or both?
JOHN: and here you are. ignoring all of my effort.
JAKE: Its real swell meeting both of you. Jude youre a bit touched but you know what chump i like you. I was always a ladies man myself.
KARKAT: IM GOING TO PHYSICALLY CHEW THROUGH MY ARM TO ESCAPE THIS CONVERSATION. WHY DO HUMANS GET SO GROSS ABOUT THEIR GENETIC OFFSPRING? EVEN WHEN THEY HAVEN'T MASHED UP THEIR UGLY PROTRUSIONS AND CHALICES TO BRUMP AND GRIND AND POP OUT A GROSS JELLY COVERED BALL OF FAT FLESH AND BONE CHUNKS?
DAVE: its bump and grind but close enough
DAVE: also while KK absolutely used probably the worst painting of a word picture ive ever heard
DAVE: hes kind of right. ectobiology is more than any of us being moms and dads
DAVE: that being said dawn is my favorite daughter, sorry dell
KARKAT: NOT YOU TOO. FLIPPING FUCK.
ROSE: We're getting off-topic.
ROSE: The war you are about to experience is a necessary happening in the procedural decline of your Universe.
ROSE: The survivors of this War will be better equipped to rebuild when you all shift over.
ROSE: It's a necessary evil, but it is coming and you must make yourselves prepared.
ROSE: We are going to provide both Skaianet and Crockercorp with 'Carapacian' forces. These friendly little fellows will aid you in the coming War.
ROSE: They're humanoid and specialized in both shape and function, made to follow orders and certainly equipped to fight in Wars.
ROSE: It's of the utmost importance that the God Tiers engage with the war sparingly. There is a functionality with God Tiers that we're not entirely sure hasn't directly carried over into your Universal Coding.
ROSE: While it may not be the case, God Tiers in our Universes can permanently die Heroic or Just deaths.
ROSE: Heroic and Just are much more convoluted than they seem so try not to worry too much, especially considering we don't actually know if your God Tiers are bound by these rules.
KARKAT: YEAH. TRY NOT TO WORRY ABOUT THE HORRIFYING PERMADEATH BULLFUCKERY THAT MAY OR MAY NOT EXIST.
KARKAT: AS EVER IM PERPETUALLY GOBSMACKED AND AWESTRUCK AT HOW SIMULTANEOUSLY PROFESSIONAL AND ASININE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU MANAGES TO BE AT THE SAME TIME.
KARKAT: TO STOP THRESHING AROUND THE PROVERBIAL BUSH, YOU NEED YOUR GOD TIERS TO HELP CREATE THE NEW UNIVERSE.
KARKAT: THE PANTHEON OF PANROTTERS HERE NEED ALL THE HELP THEY CAN TO BRIDGE THE FESTERING GAP BETWEEN YOUR UNIVERSE AND OURS. YOUR GOD TIERS ARE THE FINAL PIECES IN THIS PUZZLE OF UNBELIEVABLE NOOKGUNK.
ROSE: .....Thank you, Karkat.
DIRK: Say. I feel like something needs to be said. Or at least queried.
DIRK: On a scale of one to ten, how bad of an idea is it to try to kill all of the Godtiers and ascend to ultimate rulership on your own?
DIRK: See, this is a rhetorical question. I hope you all know the answer.
DIRK: I ask this because of some experiences in the past where some people have sometimes taken some actions to perhaps form what you would call a 'dictatorship', somehow, or maybe just thought about it very hard.
DIRK: Hypothetically.
JOHN: thanks for calling us professional karkat!
JOHN: and also for all the good explanations.
KARKAT: YOU'RE WELCOME.
ROSE: I think we've covered everything that needs to be covered. Shall we open the floor?
DIRK: Oh, hell yes. I'm very interested to see what goes on here. John, will you do the honors?
JOHN: as the creator of this memo i don't really have a choice, so.
[JOEL..ETC ARE NOW UNMUTED!]
ROSE: Wait--
ROSE: Oh.
DELL: what in the sam diddly hell FUCK
DELL: joel is this the shit you were pointedly not telling me about your grand plan
DELL: like the part where your dads like fourteen apparently
JOHN: physically around twenty three!
DELL: from what i recall he was a friendly old man who shaved too much and now i guess were IMMEDIATELY committing fated mass genocide
DELL: also no offense fuck all of you
JUDE: First of all, let me extend out as much courtesy as possible for you taking the time to...
JUDE: I don't know, reach out from your 'Pantheon' to us poor souls living on a dying planet.
JUDE: Secondly, and I say this with the utmost due respect--
JUDE: WHAT THE FUCK?
DAVE: its not genocide if it was going to happen anyway
DELL: cant believe im saying this i agree with jude
DELL: vomited a little sorry guys if i typo the puke got on my keyboard
DELL: okay so this guy is the worst of all of you
DAVE: think of it more like a vaccine i guess
DAVE: entropy is the virus and god tiers are the vaccine
DAVE: i know you guys are kind of weird with your mind control and your government blackouts but
DAVE: i would hope you guys weren't antivaxxers
JUDE: So we're just supposed to be fine with this?
JUNE: Wait a minute.
JUNE: So all sorts of innocent people have got to die so that as many as we can manage can live.
JUNE: And im wagering that we will both do all we can to protect their lives.
JUNE: Its just a matter of what we will do to protect everyone.
DAWN: Huh.
RICH: the inevitable cannot be prevented.
RICH: you have no choice but to be fine with it.
REMY: Not to, like, totally derail or anything but
REMY: Why should we believe you?
ROSE: See that's a difficult question to answer.
ROSE: You're absolutely allowed to not believe us, but your belief isn't absolutely required in order for things to complete as intended.
ROSE: This is more a courtesy call than anything that you have to agree to.
DAWN: So... we just have to live through a war and then the death of our universe because a bunch of 'Gods' told us to?
DAWN: We don't have a choice in this? We don't get to agree to this of our own free will?
JAKE: Well dawn. I wager youre quite afraid and really unsettled by all of this. In truth we went through the same thing as all of you. And we were just as unprepared. Now its quite scary to face things like this.
JAKE: But weve got nothing to do with this. Its the entropy and whosit and all that. Weve not got a hand in the whole exploding part or whatever happens.
DIRK: Kind of more like a fading away. No explosions. Of the universal type at least.
JAKE: Ok well thank you dirk. Dawn sometimes choices are made for you youd really rather not go through with.
JAKE: This isnt something thats been made up by us so youre all sad and afraid. Were here to try to help you through everything that happens and give you a little bit of comfort and such.
JAKE: Theres nothing to agree to. Fighting its like trying to hold up a blasted bell tower thats fallen on top of you. Really your effort isnt going to do anything but tire you out.
DIRK: Weirdly perceptive and surprisingly considerate.
JAKE: Im a father now so ive got to try to do these things.
JAKE: I mean gadzooks! Imagine me having all sorts of kids and then not taking care of them.
JAKE: I cant just abandon all of these children even if theyre not mine.
DIRK: Right. Anyways.
DIRK: Nope. Nothing you can do.
DAWN: This is bullshit. So this is what Skaianet's been up to?
DAWN: Fucking signing away not only the billions of people of Earth, but the uncountable potential life within our entire Universe?
DAWN: How is this okay? Joel? You knew about this and you were just complacent???
DAVE: i love your fire and i get real strong katniss vibes from you
DAVE: you fight that system girl you grab your bow and arrow and go shoot those stuffy old idiots right in their smug faces
DAVE: but we're just trying to tell you that even if you do become a young adult heroine
DAVE: this shits already started rolling and its picking up speed
ROSE: I hate to agree with Dave, but he's right. We all are. There's nothing more you can do right now.
JUDE: That's a load of, pardon my french, utter fucking bullshit. There are ALWAYS preventative measures.
JUDE: I have every reason to believe you so-called 'Gods' are simply telling us there is no option because this benefits you in some way.
JUDE: Am I wrong? If so I'd love to see you prove it.
KARKAT: WOAH MISTER BIG PANTS OVER HERE IS GOADING US INTO AN INTERNET FIGHT.
KARKAT: THE CROCKER CRISPFRUIT DOESN'T PLOP FAR FROM THE FOLIATE FOOD POLE HUH?
JAKE: Shes got a firey attitude and a big heart and i love it!
JANE: Am I supposed to apologize that my son is the most intelligent out of them all? How terrible for all of you that he can think rationally.
JANE: Jude, sweetie, you're doing amazing.
DELL: joel did what he had to do
DELL: this shit was inevitable and im popping the b on that somehow
DELL: you know like one would pop a p
JOEL: that's not it at all.
JOEL: why didn't you just call and ask?
JOEL: i woke up one day and saw you guys literally declared war on us. i had to move everyone and i had to fire people with no notice because we were literally barred from entering the united states or conducting business there.
JOEL: we all grew up as siblings and you just decided to throw it all away.
JOEL: because why?
DELL: probably because our company comes off as being ran by a twisted fucking cyclepath
DELL: no offense at all youre a great guy and i understand your motives but how can anyone else you know
DELL: karkat get him get jude karkat get him
RICH: jude.
RICH: it has been a while since we spoke, hasn't it?
JUDE: Joel, you knew of this. There's not a single way you didn't.
JUDE: You've been complacent in this, you've created the SBURB dimension on your consorting with these 'Gods',
JUDE: This is something you've known for HOWEVER long and you're now trying to act like it's all something totally fine.
JUDE: That YOU are the victim in this, as you always do!
KARKAT: JANE, WE'RE FRIENDS, RIGHT? IF NOT FRIENDS AT LEAST WORKING ACQUAINTANCES.
KARKAT: WHICH I THINK ALLOWS ME TO SAY SOMETHING THAT NEEDS TO BE SAID.
DAVE: oh snap crackle and poppin p (i got you dell)
KARKAT: YOUR ECTOSQUIRT HERE HAS CAUSED MORE TROUBLE THAN HES FIXED WHICH IS PRETTY ON-PAR.
KARKAT: DON'T GIVE HIM A GOLD STAR FOR BEING A SMALL FECULANT SMEAR ON THE TIGHTY WHITIES OF YOUR LEGACY.
JUDE: Rich. It has been.
JUDE: I don't think now is the best time, I'm dealing with something more important than a friendly chat.
REMY: :/
JUDE: Can this wait?
JOEL: sure. that's what i always do.
JOEL: and you're giving into your paranoid delusions like you always do. instead of just listening to the people who care about you.
JOEL: i didn't create anything! this was already happening. we made sessions because they had to happen, and they would've happened anyways. it was either us or actual sburb. like, worse sburb. with a lot more deaths.
JOEL: but do whatever you want.
DELL: (thanks dave)
JANE: Watch your language.
JAKE: Good gods this is quite the mess hm.
RICH: don't worry. this isn't a friendly chat.
RICH: you've been a disappointment to me. it brings me great pain to think of the times in my youth when i admired you and thought you my better. the respect that i had for you slowly dissolved and completely disappeared the better i knew you. it seems that as you've grown older your kindness and intelligence has evaporated, leaving only a shell of a man who feigns intellect about as well as he feigns height.
RICH: i cannot comprehend how the child i considered kin became this.
RICH: you are disappointing. you are disgusting. i have many things i could say about you; your ignorance, your bigotry, your undeserved confidence.
RICH: there is little you can do to me, though i know you will try, spiteful as you are.
RICH: now that the game is afoot i suppose i may as well lay my cards out. i have no more use for you and you had little use for me besides as a pawn in your game of trying to win back a nuclear family.
RICH: unfortunately we have all been driven from your arms. a pity; you have lost your least favorite gay cousin. let us all weep dramatically.
RICH: i believe i've used up the majority of my word allocation for this year. i just wanted to make it clear that you're a failure.
JUDE: Ahh yes, the reclusive shut-in who can't stomach being around another living person takes issue with someone.
JUDE: What a shocking and disheartening turn of events, how am I supposed to recover from knowing that the most Anti-Social peon I've known loathes me? How will I carry on?
Remy: Boys
JUDE: Let me spell this out for you very clearly: There's a reason you were never forced to leave those catacombs you willingly closed yourself off in.
Remy: Hey, fellas,
JUDE: I had no need for you. Your spot in my company was an extended out olive branch because you chose to abandon Skaianet with the rest of us when we saw how much of a festering cesspool it was becoming.
Remy: Is this really, like, the best time to be doing this?
JUDE: It seems though that my good will is, like almost EVERYTHING anyone else does for you, is taken for complete granted.
JUDE: You can fucking leave, Rich. I've no more use for whiny bitches like yourself in my employ.
REMY: Talking about the end of the world. Discussing what to expect. Now's not super the time for a baby fight. Just saying.
JUDE: Get the fuck off of my property, immediately, or I'll have the drones escort you out.
RICH: oh no. i have to be away from you.
RICH: oh no. what will i do. my belongings.
RICH: oh wait, yes. i sleep on a cot and have little use for your luxury. do not worry your pretty little heterosexual head.
RICH: i am already leaving. you took that quite well. i'm surprised you didn't weep and moan more about how little you care for the opinions of your 'family'. cry a little more, judith.
DELL: everyone calm down everyone hates everyone else etc etc
DELL: now that weve got that shit out of the way listen
DELL: we obviously werent gathered here to figure out what guy can be the biggest ballsack to the other
DELL: nor is this about schooling fools and oh snapping them with a popping p so loud it blows them off the fucking globe
DELL: this is an important conversation that obviously is meant to happen at the present time
DELL: so like
DELL: shape your shit up listen to remy and attempt to seem like individuals that are not excruciatingly pathetic
DELL: shits embarrassing i dont enjoy it
DELL: but at least im not related to the most egregious offenders
DELL: i think
JOEL: yeah!
JOEL: i think we should listen to what they have to say.
JUDE: You would, Joel.
DAWN: Just... Stop. Let them talk, we can fight them later.
JUDE: Excuse me?
JUDE: Who are you to tell me to 'stop'? You're just as upset about this as I am!
JUDE: Or oh, are you taking THEIR side to this, then? Are you leaving, too?
DAWN: No, I'm not. This just isn't the time to be making this kind of scene.
DAWN: I'm not about this. I'm not okay with this. I want to fight this but they know more than we do.
REMY: And, like, we're all totally done with seeing you two have a messy not-break up in the middle of all this.
JUDE: You are my least favorite Lalonde, Remy.
KARKAT: JOHN CAN YOU SHUT THE CROCKER UP SO THE BIG KIDS CAN TALK FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE?
JOHN: ugh! this is so annoying.
JOHN has muted JUDE.
JOHN: okay, i'm going to get ahead of this one.
JOHN has muted JANE.
DIRK: Cruel.
JOHN: i don't enjoy doing this!
DELL: it is kind of homoerotically tense in here huh remy
DELL: 🤜 cmon bump it
DELL: bump that shit like its 95 degrees outside in the middle of july and the cd in your car is just twelve tracks of outkasts hey ya
JOEL: wait. are we the big kids or are you guys the big kids? i'll be quiet if you're the big kids. but i can speak if we're the big kids!
JOEL: hi remy!
DELL: joel come on dude youre making us look like weenies
JEAN: i dont think were the big kids
JEAN: i kinda feel like im back in middle school if were being honest 😔
REMY: 🤛
REMY: Oh hai Jeanie!
REMY: Welcome to the party!
KARKAT: JOHN.
KARKAT: YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE AN OVERLY IRATE AND IRRATIONAL BATTERWITCH JUNIOR WINGBEAST SCREECHING DOWN YOUR HEARPITS IN A MANNER OF MINUTES HERE SO WE SHOULD REALLY TRY TO REFOCUS AND FINISH TALKING THIS OUT.
ROSE: This chat is spiraling ever so eloquently down the stupidity pole so I share that sentiment.
ROSE: Has anyone been keeping a checklist of what we need to cover?
ROSE: We talked about the end of the Universe, the functionality of the God Tiers... I feel like we're missing something.
DIRK: Are we?
DIRK: Our shit seems pretty in a sack.
DIRK: Oh. Except for the message we gave to the current Godtiers.
DIRK: Whoops.
DIRK: Is that even relevant here? It seems like these little yous are all fairly unhinged as it is. Wouldn't want to provoke them further by laying out things they can't comprehend.
JOHN: okay! you're just insulting people again. like you were before!
DIRK: I'm enlightening everyone to objective facts. It isn't my fault that these facts reflect negatively upon individuals.
JOHN: i don't know. um. ah. jeez.
JOHN: are we missing something?
JAKE: Thats not quite reassuring is it oh dear cripes.
DAWN: ...How old are you gods?
JOHN: oh wow. well we've kind of lost count!
DAWN: Ballpark it.
JOHN: oh man i'm not good with numbers. three thousand?
DIRK: A googleplex.
JAKE: Oh probably been doing god things for ten years or so.
DIRK: *Really?*
JOHN: okay come on you are both being ridiculous.
JAKE: I quite think ive got the right idea about it you two chumps are absolutely incorrect.
JAKE: Dirk just made up a word and were expected to go along with it as if it was a number.
DIRK: It is a number.
JAKE: Well dirk youre a smart guy i wont argue too much but i do know you love your japes.
DAWN: Right.
DAWN: You're a bunch of God-Powered Kids, just like what you're doing to the people participating in SBURB, aren't you?
DAWN: This is just a cycle of kicking the dog and handing down an apocalypse.
ROSE: You're not entirely wrong, but you're not right either.
ROSE: If I had to say anything, it'd be more that you were inheriting the Apocalypse like a particularly unwanted hereditary disorder.
ROSE: It was in your genetic code from the start, you're only just starting to feel its effects as the Universe you're in reaches its awkward puberty.
ROSE: We're all just Kids who were forced to become Gods.
ROSE: But we've been here before.
ROSE: We know how this hereditary disposition presents. We know how to give you all a fighting chance.
DAWN: I hate this.
ROSE: I know, and we're so, so sorry it had to end up this way.
DAVE: dramatics aside the fact that you even get to fight through the apocalypse is something already better than the alternative
DAVE: not to pull a doctor strange up in this memo but
DAVE: out of billions of universes only yours has had the exact right formula to make it this far
DAVE: you've only had to live through this like what once? we've been doing this a long time
DAVE: like think about the longest time you could do the same thing over and over and over again without losing your mind
DAVE: and then take that hypothetical number and times that by like two million
DAVE: why not go ahead and times that new absurdly huge hypothetical number again by like six and then you're close
DAVE: i'm not saying you should be grateful that we're having this conversation
DAVE: but what i am saying is that i goddamn fucking sure as hell am
JOEL: endgame?
DELL: yes joel endgame
DELL: this is timeline shit then
DELL: what youre saying is that in every timeline a single thing happened that shot it off course and made victory entirely impossible
JOEL: like endgame!
DELL: yes like endgame
DELL: i dont really get what youre saying about doing it over and over again unless youre saying you retain the memories of every single incarnation of you thats went through every doomed timeline
JOEL: ooh, that's a cool phrase!
DELL: thanks i just made it up
DELL: anyways whatever weve been here long enough and i dont wanna shoot the shit
DELL: we know the drill and got whats going on
DELL: only thing left to ask is do we actually have to do anything in particular because i know there was that whole speech about whatever you do is correct but putting that aside
DELL: any triggers for the game any code writing any weird frog temple pow wows
DELL: say it so we can start the end of the world and then get on with our lives
JOEL: wow, that was kind of poetic.
DELL: thanks joel
JOEL: no problem dude.
JOEL: thanks for talking to us! i really appreciate it. i wish my dad was here to talk me through it. you know, not the teenage one! but, you know. he's busy.
JOHN: yeah. he's a busy guy.
JOHN: but i bet if your dad was here, he'd be really proud of you.
JOHN: and i bet he'd also think you're just super cool.
JOEL: yeah, he always did say he was proud of me. and also that i'm super cool! :B
JOHN: :B
DELL: touching
DELL: anyways yeah anything else
ROSE: Wait, I remember now.
ROSE: While Skaianet's SBURB has provided the seeds you'll need to survive the oncoming end of days,
ROSE: the God Tiers need to kick off the apocalypse itself. There are a number of ways to do this, but it has to be them.
ROSE: You need to prepare yourself for the complete and total annihilation of a large percentage of human and troll kind. No matter which of the three Choices they choose, massive destruction will occur.
ROSE: And they need to do it soon, or it'll happen on its own, and you'll all be caught up in it even more than you are now.
ROSE: It's not going to be pretty. Countless people are going to die and there's nothing you can do to stop this. It isn't your fault. It's necessary.
ROSE: It's going to feel hopeless, it's going to feel like things can't possibly get worse, but I want you all to know-

ROSE: I am so, so proud of you.

[JOHN HAS CLOSED THE MEMO.]