Kissing Booth 3: The three-est of them all

>You are Anon
>Human
>Lover
>Fighter
>...wasn't there one other thing that you were?
>Oh, right, now you remember
>You reach in your coat pocket and remove a small, silver colored object before unscrewing its cap and pouring some of its sweet, sweet nectar down your waiting throat
"Drinker"
>Now, you hadn't ALWAYS been asleep during those after-school specials or worried phone calls from your mother.  You knew that the amount of alcohol you liked to drink was, in a word, fucking poisonous
>Okay, you think that's actually two words, but eh...
>Flask-buddy doesn't seem to care, and by extension, neither do you
>"Besides", you think to yourself as you take another swig...
>Woof, that burns so good
>You shake your head a little from side to side before replacing the cap and stowing Flask-buddy
>Your current path of walking is taking you into the Ponyville town square, and you didn't exactly want the residents to think of you as a worthless drunk
>Well...okay, it might be a little late for that, given that the p0nies often took bets on how high you could get your bar tab in a week
>And the fact that the bar holds "Anon day" every Saturday night in appreciation of the business you bring them
>Annnnd the fact that you occasionally find yourself passed out in Daisy's flower beds
>You chuckle.  Man, that lady hates you
>Okay, so your reputation is, shall we say, on the rocks
>But at least the p0nies won't catch you drinking on the go
>That's more respectable, right?
>"Anon's a filthy drunk!"
>"Oh, he's not so bad, he only drinks when he's stationary!"
>"Oh!  Well, it looks like I misjudged the guy!  He must actually be a stand-up fella and not a monster to be hated!"
>Yeah, the p0nies totally talk like that...just when you're not listening is all
>By now, you've reached the Ponyville market
>Residents are bustling about, stall vendors are eagerly awaiting a customer's wandering eye
>A young mother scolds her child for taking a fruit from a stall without paying
>All these things and more you see from your elevated vantage point
>Despite the giant in their midst, the p0nies' hustle and bustle goes on uninterrupted
>You were a regular by now, just another sapient individual trying to get by
>An uncomfortable thought strikes you and you stop walking, right in the middle of the market square
>Waist-high heads continue to pass you, go around you, get a little annoyed that you were standing in their path
>Back on earth, you could get lost in a crowd like this and feel somewhat safe
>After all, you weren't a giant by human standards
>But here...you can look out across the sea of miniature horses
>Though they are all around you, it feels like they're existing on a different plane, one right below you
>One that you aren't a part of
>And in that moment, you feel very alone, the most alone you've felt since you came here
>Fuck this
>You hastily dig back in your coat pocket and grab your flask
>Roughly, you unscrew the cap, smash the opening to your lips, and bottom's up that bitch
>As the last, burning drops swap their metallic home for a fleshy one, you return Flask-buddy, who as far as you were concerned was now Empty-Flaskhole, to his place of residence
>As you wipe your mouth with nature's napkin (read: your sleeve), you spot an old mare, staring at you over her bifocals, mouth agape in disbelief at the display of "no fucks given" she just witnessed
>You growl at the old lady
"Shake your head, grandma, your eyes are stuck"
>Her expression turns from shock to anger
>"Well I never!  Young colt, didn't your mother blah blah blah..."
>You don't decide to stay for the tongue lashing and hastily stroll out of the market area
>Reputation is overrated anyway
>As her voice fades, so does that uncomfortable feeling you experienced
>Another one grips you now, however
>Hunger
>You turn left and head toward your favorite place to eat
>A little cafe with an outdoor seating area on the other side of town
>You like this place for two reasons
>A: Outdoor seating area means bales of hay to sit on instead of chairs that were not designed for your larger, heavier human badonkadonk
>B: They would, on occasion, serve small amounts of meat for the omnivorous crowd
>Bits of chicken or fish mostly, but on some days they had bacon or pork chops
>Today was not one of those days, however, as your waiter informed you
>Life is a cruel, cruel stage production, with a shitty, shitty author
>You order a bowl of tomato soup with a side of re-fried beans
>Twilight was the one who had gotten you hooked on beans and other legumes
>Said that as a creature accustomed to eating meat, you needed your protein content
>Twilight...Twilight...weren't you thinking about her earlier?
>No, not her, but you did see her earlier today didn't you?
>Okay, time to retrace your steps, let's see
>You are Anon
>Human
>Lover
>Fighter, right right right, then what?
>One other thing..."Drinker"; ba dum pssh, really funny joke, ha ha ha
>Your order arrives as your gray matter churns
>After school specials
>Mom
>Flask buddy
>Not caring...not caring because...
>It hits you
"Ba ha ha ha!"
>Your waiter nearly jumps out of his skin at your sudden outburst and hurries away, quite flustered, from your table
>The other customers don't seem to care and continue their meals
>Smooth...
>But it doesn't matter
>You remember now the hilarity that had ensued earlier today
>These fucking p0nies had decided to do some stupid kissing booth to help starving Africans or something...
>Wait they don't have starving Africans.  They don't even have well fed Africans
>Oh, right, it was for the orphanage
>And the biggest bitch that ever was, Rainbow Dash, had decided to put her ugly fuckin' mug out there to be kissed
>You giggle madly to yourself
>And you had made that bitch nearly cum her non-existent pants with your masterful work of the tongue
>Humans: 1
>Bitchy bird horses: 0
>You celebrate your triumph by digging in to your beans and washing them down with a bit of soup
>As you enjoy your victory feast, a thought strikes you, one that gives you pause
>What...what exactly were you trying to accomplish through your victory?
>You stop eating your soup and just move the spoon idly through the red liquid
>Public humiliation?  I guess you got that.  Did you?
>Isn't it kind of a self-insult to say to her "Hwa Hwa!  You enjoyed being kissed by a nasty human, which I happen to be!"
>No, no it's not like that
>She hates you, you hate her, you made her want the dick, you re-established your hate for her and shut her down in front of the entire town...yeah, you still win
>Still...you can't escape some nagging thoughts
>What if?  What if Dash liked that too much?  You did tell her that it "would never happen again", what if she takes that as a challenge?
>Is she going to try to get you to kiss her, especially like that, again to make up for her being publicly humiliated?
>Is she going to turn from a mildly annoying antagonist into a creepy stalker, demanding your kisses every moment of the day?
>You shudder at that prospect
>You're not exactly a small guy, you even lift, but Rainbow, as much as you hate to admit it, is pretty tough
>Athletic as all get out
>Fast as fuck too, you wouldn't be able to outrun her if you had the speed of Kenyans
>Not to mention she has close friends who might be willing to help her
>God, you can see it now, her...just...following you every step of the way
>You try to run, to hit her but she's too fast, too graceful.  Her movements are like water
>Finally she tackles you and fixes you with those rose tinted lenses
>You try to throw her off but it's no good
>She slams her mouth down on yours, invading your whiskey-hole with her tongue
>Oh, you remember that tongue, all warm and soft and shit...
>...And...inviting...
>"There you are!"
>A clear, feminine voice breaks your disturbing train of thought
>Seriously, where the fuck did that come from?
>You look up from your soup to come face to face with Twilight Sparkle
>And boy, does she look pissed
>You gulp audibly
>This isn't you-didn't-return-a-book-on-time pissed, nor is it oh-god-these-books-aren't-alphabetized-I'm-going-kill-myself pissed (the more common type)
>No, this was a look you think is reserved for disgruntled postal workers.  Specifically, the kind that don't bother with two-week notices
>You collect yourself and reply in turn, careful to mask your anxiety at her murderous expression
"Hey Twilight, how are things?"
>We got a regular thespian over here
>"How are things?  Is that all you have to say for yourself?!"
>3 guesses as to what she's pissed about.  Time to execute the best strategy for dealing with angry females that you know of
>Playing dumb
"Should I be saying something else?"
>Twilight just shakes her head a little in disbelief
>"Yes, Anon!  Yes, you should be saying something else!"
>A moment of silence passes between you two
"So...are you going to tell me what it is I should be saying?"
>"Ugggh!"
>The purple mare practically slams her face down on the table
>The waiter approaches your table with some trepidation
>"E-excuse me, miss?  May I get you..."
"Actually, she was just leaving" you state rather coldly.  This shit is getting old
>Twilight bolts up and fixes you with an angry glare
>"Hard cider, if you please"
>The waiter nods and hurries away
>Now it's your turn to stare at her, mouth agape
>"And if you think I'm paying for it, you're more out of your mind than you were earlier this morning"
"Oh...that"
>"Oh, give me a break, Anonymous!  You can't 'oh, that' what you did back there!"
"I think I just did"
>"Well you shouldn't!  Do you have any idea what you did?  What you caused?"
"Yes, Twilight!"  you are shouting now
"What I did was give that awful bitch you call a friend something that likely no one else has given her, or ever will give her!"
>That sets her off
>Twilight matches your volume and stands on her seat, pounding her front hooves into the table
>"You unbelievably arrogant drunkard!  You have no idea what you're talking about, or what Rainbow's past is like!"
>You rise from your seat and draw yourself up to your full height
>You tower over the mare, who shrinks back a little under your angry gaze, but still meets your eyes defiantly
"I can take a good goddamn guess, Twilight!  Hell, I should've gone all the way and just fucked her right then and there!  Maybe then, she'd learn to lighten up a little and stop treating me like I'm some worthless piece of shit!"
>If you didn't before, you now have the restaurant's full and undivided attention
>Not that you noticed, your eyes were staring daggers into Twilight's and hers were doing the same right back at you
>"Um...miss?  Your cider..."
>The poor waiter gingerly holds out a mug to the seething p0ny
>Twilight snatches the mug and downs it in a flash
>"Another, please" she states flatly
>"Uh, yes, yes of course..."
>As the waiter turns to leave, Twilight whips around
>"By the way, this is all on one check"
>Without waiting for confirmation, she wheels back around to you and plops herself down on her hay bale
>"Sit"
>Fuck this, your limit has been reached for today
"I don't think so, Twilight.  I'm going home"
>You snicker
"Thanks for picking up the check, by the way"
>Her eyes narrow
>"If you don't sit down right now, you might not have a home to go back to"
>That freezes you in place
"Is that a threat?" you inquire through gritted teeth
>Her gaze falls, she shakes her head no
>"No, Anon..." she begins in a soft voice
>"Look, Ponyville is a community, a very tight-knit one if you hadn't noticed"
>She lifts her head to look at you again
>Twilight's anger is gone, genuine concern lines her face
>"But sometimes, I'm afraid of what it might do to you if you're not careful"
>For some reason, her expression calms you and you return to your seat
>Her eyes stay with yours through the entire motion
>You can't help but notice that, despite Twilight being about your age, her face looks...older than it should
>Faint bags and crows-feet are just beginning to form around her otherwise youthful eyes
>Her mouth appears tight-lipped and thin
>Overall, she looks tired
>It can't be good for her to work as hard as she does, reading and writing constantly
>Being a national hero who, at any moment, might get called by a living deity to save her entire country can't be good for one's stress either
>You wonder if Rainbow feels that sort of pressure...
>"Anon...I understand why you feel the way you do about Rainbow Dash.  She's been a rather poor host to you, our guest in Equestria.  I didn't realize you had such...strong feelings of animosity toward her"
>She pauses, gauging your expression and giving you a chance to interject
>Since you don't take it, she continues
>"I saw you two fighting from time to time and thought it was nothing more than a little friendly rivalry.  I didn't know she called you such nasty names until today"
>She chuckles a little
>"I mean, 'shit-flinger'?  Wow...but anyway, Anon, I...I just wanted to apologize that I didn't step in before and try to get you two to smooth this out before it could blow up like it did.  I'm sorry that I didn't look deep enough to see that Rainbow Dash was really hurting your feelings"
>She extends a hoof suddenly and lays it on your hand
>"That's not our way, Anon.  And I know you might not believe it right now, but it's not Rainbow's way either"
>You draw your hand back from under her hoof.  It was nothing personal, you just weren't a fan of unexpected physical contact
>Her expression falls a little at your retreat but she keeps her gaze pointed at you
"Well...that...that was unexpected.  Um, thank you Twilight"
>You smile at her a little
"I really mean it, thank you.  That means a lot to hear you say that, and I accept your apology"
>She beams, a wave of relief washing over her
>The waiter comes back again, eying you both carefully
>Twilight takes the mug
>"Thank you" she states sweetly
>Her sudden niceness doesn't change the fact that the waiter hurries away as quickly as he came
>She giggles and takes a swig
"I didn't know you drink"
>"Well," she states placing her mug on the table "Only under extreme circumstances.  I find it takes the edge off a little"
>You smirk
"Lot of good it did you here" you reply
>She laughs "Alcohol may be a wonderful social lubricant but it's certainly not a cure all"
>Her laughter fades and her face becomes serious again as she stares at you
>"You know that, right?"
>This time you can't meet her gaze, you look down at your hands and fumble with them
>Normally, you'd go for Flask-buddy right about now, but Empty-Flaskhole is the only resident currently staying at 1 Anon's Coat Lane
>You look up at her again
"Let's get back to what you were saying about my house"
>She twists her mouth up a little before taking another swig of cider
>"Well, like I said, Ponyville is a small, tight-knit community.  Almost everyp0ny who lives here was born here or close by, families all know each, everyp0ny's foals play together, all that stuff"
>Another swig of cider follows
>"One of the results of living in such a community is that p0nies can develop a sort of "protective" mentality toward each other.  Normally, I would surmise that this is a wonderful attribute for a community to display, but..."
>You can tell she's contemplating how to say her next sentence, you decide to finish it for her
"...But if someone, preferably from the outside, is nasty to one of the community's members even going so far as to publicly humiliate them, that someone might wake up to find the community is not so inclined to be nice to him, or even let him continue to live and work among them"
>"Yeah..." she states quietly, her eyes staring down into her cider
>You sigh
"So how do I fix this?"
>She raises a brow at you
>"You?  You're not going to fix this.  At least not by yourself"
"Okay...so how do "we" fix this?"
>She drains her cider
>"Way ahead of you, Anon!"  I've got Applejack and Fluttershy tracking down Rainbow Dash.  Hopefully they will be successful in their efforts to console her.  Meanwhile, I've already completed my task of apologizing to you and getting you on-board with what I'm calling "Operation: Friends Eventually Make Amends"
>She magics up a list and quill from her saddlebag and checks an item off
>"Excellent, Operation "FEMA" is ahead of schedule!"
>You burst out laughing as you pay the check
>"Something funny?"
"Huh? No it's nothing, I just hope this FEMA is better at cleaning up disasters than another one I know about"
>She sighs and stows her list "Human humor.  I don't think I'll ever get it.  Well, come on now, Anon.  We need to report back to the kissing booths to see whether or not Fluttershy and Applejack were successful in their endeavors"
>As you two leave the cafe you caution her against that course of action
"Perhaps it would be best if you went on ahead.  I think that even if Rainbow were there, she's not going to want to talk to me right off the bat.  If she is there and she does, you can bring her by my place"
>"Hmmm, yes!  That's an excellent plan, Anonymous!  I'll contact you in a little while with an update on the situation"
"Sounds good"
>As you turn to leave, something occurs to you
"Wait, Twilight...why did you say Flutters and AJ were "tracking down" Dash?  And what was that about "consoling"?"
>Twilight fixes you with a serious gaze
>"After you left, Dash..."
>She continues to stare at you, wondering if she should speak
>"She was...very distressed...and...she left quickly"
>You take a few steps toward Twilight
"'Distressed'?  Exactly how 'distressed'?"
>"That's not really important, is it, Anonymous?"
>You sigh
"I guess not.  Later, Twilight, and thanks for helping" you finish with a smile
>She returns the expression with one of her own
>"Of course, Anon"
>And with that, she's off like a shot, galloping through town toward the kissing booths
>You watch her depart then turn and head in the direction of your home
>But first...you've got a little errand to run
>It was time to give that bastard Empty-Flaskhole an eviction notice and go back to your old tenant
>Flask-buddy

End of Chapter 3