A lovers' quarrel

Rin stood in front of the door for a moment, then kicked on it twice, to signal her arrival. Emi already told her on the phone that her mom wasn't home, so she wasn't worried about waking her up. That phone call had woken Emi up, but that was different; She was the one Rin wanted to talk to. The door opened quickly enough, a tired Emi on the other side.

Rin: 'Helloooo'
Emi: 'Rin! Don't just stand here, come in! You're gonna catch a cold!'

Rin obliged, and Emi closed the door behind her, ran to the laundry room and came back with a warm towel. Rin sat on the couch, and Emi wrapped her in the towel.

Emi: 'There! Figured you wouldn't be dressed for the weather, had this waiting for you!'
Rin: 'Good thinking.'

It really was; Emi was always thinking about things like that, in ways Rin couldn't. After her fight with Hisao, Rin came straight to Emi's place, not even bothering to put any more clothes on; Just her school uniform, pants and light shirt. At two in the morning, in February, this might not have been a great idea. Thankfully, Emi was there for her, to think of everything Rin couldn't. Emi let her catch her breath for a while, then asked the obvious question;

Emi: 'So, what happened Rin?'
Rin: 'I...'
Emi: 'I?'
Rin: 'I... I'm hungry.'
Emi: 'Oh! Wait a minute!'

And with this Emi left again, running to the kitchen. Rin lazily turned her head sideways, to take a look at her. She had a pair of shorts on, and a light green shirt. Her hair was done in her usual style, twintails with the hair beads on. She had her normal legs on... As normal as prosthetics legs could be, anyway. Rin thought it weird that Emi was dressed up like that. Surely she didn't sleep in these.

Rin: 'Are you going out somewhere?'
Emi: 'Huh?'
Rin: 'Are you going out somewhere?'

Rin not catching on someone's confusion wasn't even surprising to Emi anymore.

Emi: 'Don't think it'd be wise at this hour Rin! Why'd you ask?'
Rin: 'You didn't have to dress up just for me.'
Emi: 'Oh this? It's no big deal! And I had some time before you got here anyway. Here, eat this!'

Emi gave her a bowl of hot soup and some senbei rice crackers, then sat next to her and stayed silent until Rin finished her soup.

Emi: 'So... You want to talk about what happened?'
Rin: 'I was with Hisao and it was going fine well maybe not fine but not bad either it was very average actually and I'm not sure what caused it exactly I remember that we talked about rainbows a few hours ago but Hisao didn't seem to hate rainbows or to love them so that's probably not what started it and I'm glad it didn't because rainbows remind me of the rain and some people think rain is sad but I think it's beautiful and I wish I could paint it but I don't have my paint brush with me and it doesn't even rain anymore, maybe if I walked in a different direction I could've followed the cloud and it'd still rain but I wouldn't have reached your house unless I walked all around the earth but there's water all around Japan so I would have to swim but I can't and I would've drowned and oceans have more water than a raincloud but I wouldn't be able to paint it without my brushes either especially not if I'm drowning so...'
Emi: 'Rin, wait!'
Rin: 'How long?'

If Emi didn't stop her, she knew Rin could still be talking an hour from now, discussing black holes, the South American flora, or trying to estimate how many birds there were in a ten miles radius around them.

Emi: 'Stick to what happened between you and Hisao! One event at a time!'

Rin seemed to ponder this for a moment; Emi wasn't sure how much trust she had in Rin NOT going on tangents again.

Rin: 'I have an exhibition of my paintings coming up and I told Hisao I wasn't sure if I wanted to go. He said I had to go, to talk to people about my paintings. I don't know how to do that.'
Emi: 'Go on.'
Rin: 'We ate rice. I think I ate more than him, but drank less.'
Emi: 'And?'
Rin: 'I didn't brush my teeth. He didn't either.'
Emi: 'I'll brush your teeth later if you want! Back to the exhibition!'
Rin: 'I tried to explain why I didn't want to go, but I couldn't find the words and that made him angry or maybe he already was.'
Emi: 'What happened then?'
Rin: 'He yelled at me..."

Emi didn't say anything, unsure what to say, and whether she should even say anything at all or let Rin continue, now that she wasn't babbling too much;

Rin: 'And I wanted to yell at him too or maybe I didn't but I was curious what it would be like because I never yell at people but I couldn't find more words to yell than I could to explain so I ended up yelling nothing and that made him yell more and I think I cried but I couldn't see myself so I can't be sure but if I did he didn't like it.'

Emi kept silent again, trying to suppress the rage she felt, trying not to unleash about that guy who made Rin so sad.

Rin: 'I think we broke up.'

Rin lowered her eyes, and Emi thought she was trying to stop herself from crying again... When Rin looked at Emi again, there was a pleading expression in her big green eyes. Like Emi could have the solution to make Hisao stop yelling at her. Or to unbreak them. Emi laid a hand on Rin's shoulder, and tried to come up with comforting words... Or any words at all. She had to say something, but... She didn't want to say too much. Anything she'd regret, anything that would make Rin angry.

Emi: 'I'm so sorry Rin...'

As soon as the words left her mouth, she realized that she's always hated when people said that. Well, too late to take them back. She didn't really know what else to say... Talking to people close to her had never been easy to Emi. And she didn't know about the gravity of the situation, and asking Rin about it might not give her the answer she needed; She didn't even know if they actually broke up, or not. Even if they did, it'd be the third time already, and after the first two times, they patched things up and got back together in days. Hisao always apologized for yelling, about trying to push her too hard... before doing it all over again. Rin seemed a bit more shook up than usual though, so maybe it was more serious this time...

Emi: 'I know you might not want to hear this, but you know what they say... Plenty more fish in the sea?'

Rin barely reacted to this, and Emi was left wondering if she even heard her. Maybe she was in her own world again, in her mind, in the clouds. Maybe it wasn't the right thing to say... Emi was tired, both physically and emotionally, made it difficult for her to think about the situation, and find the right thing to say or do. Well, maybe that was part of the solution...

Emi: 'It's really late... aren't you tired? We could go to sleep! My bed's big enough for two, so you wouldn't be alone?'

They'd slept in the same bed a few times at Yamaku, when Rin wasn't feeling well, and once or twice during Rin's few visits at her home. Emi would like it... She was tired, so any sleep would be welcome, but she thought it could be good for Rin too. Emi was a very physical person, and words failed her often, just like Rin. If she could just hold her tonight, make her feel supported, important, loved... It might not be what she wanted, it might not be Hisao... but it was better than nothing. And probably better than what little she could hope to achieve with her words alone.

Rin: 'I'm not tired. You can go. I'll watch the couch.'

Emi didn't bother asking what she meant by that... and did not let her disappointment show either;

Emi: 'I'm not tired either! What do you want to do then?'
Rin: 'Nothing.'
Emi: 'Rin... I'm trying... I don't know what to say. Do you want to talk about it more?'
Rin: 'About what?'

It was all Emi could do not to scream, but she knew it would be the worst thing to do in this situation;

Emi: 'About Hisao yelling at you and about you being sad all the freaking time and about your paintings and the exhibition and your fears and the future, about rainbows and your unbrushed teeth, about anything you want to talk about, Rin... Anything that would make you just a tiny bit happier?'

She reflected on this for a moment.

Rin: 'I wish Hisao didn't yell at me. That would make me happier. You don't happen to have a time machine now, do you? I know you didn't the other day, but maybe you do now. I could go back in time and Hisao would unyell at me.'
Emi: 'I'm sorry Rin... can't do. But if you're always so unhappy, don't you think you should... Find something else? Someone else?'
Rin: 'I'm not always sad. I think. I'm just tired. Not sleep tired. Just tired.'
Emi: 'Well, if you want to talk about anything... You know I'll always be there for you Rin. To talk or for anything else.'

Rin didn't reply, and Emi felt like she had to try to get her to talk.

Emi: 'Come on Rin, cheer up! I'm sure you'll feel better soon...'

Even Emi thought it might not have been a good thing to say, and it came out all wrong. When Rin looked at Emi to reply, she seemed more angry than sad;

Rin: 'What do I have to be cheerful for?'

Emi considered the question a moment. She wasn't wrong... Nothing in her life was going right at the moment. But she couldn't tell her something like that. Had to be hopeful.

Emi: 'Well you have your paintings! You might not like the exhibition, but you still like to paint, right? And you have me!'

She put the emphasis on that 'me', to try and provoke a reaction in Rin, but when nothing changed, she let a few seconds pass, trying to come up with something else, before continuing;

Emi: 'Rin, you know... Hisao's not the last person on earth, you get that, right? Is there no one else you like? You might feel bad now, but who knows, you could meet someone else and it could be even better and you would be happier and...'

When Rin raised her eyes again, Emi stopped talking; She was definitely getting angry now.

Rin: 'I don't want to meet someone else! I don't want to find someone else and I don't want another fish in the sea and I don't want YOU. I want HIM. I want Hisao.'
Emi: 'Rin...'

That's all she said. All she could get herself to say. Rin was the one who lost her boyfriend today, but the way she was talking to Emi, the way it made her feel... It was like Emi was the one with a broken heart.

Rin: 'Just leave me alone. Just go. Please.'

Rin sounded like she was about to cry, and didn't want anyone to see her. Either that, or she was getting angry again, and didn't want to say things she'd regret. Emi didn't point out that they were actually in her house, and just left for her room in a hurry, and slammed the door.

Now alone, Rin reflected on what she said. She didn't mean it that way... She always had trouble telling exactly how she felt. Words had never been her friends, like her pencils were. She would need to apologize to Emi when she came back, and hoped it would be good enough.

She heard a few weird noises coming from Emi's room - adjacent to the living room where Rin was - but Emi apparently wasn't coming back, so Rin moved a few cushions around on the couch, getting ready to sleep; Tired or not, she had to get some rest. Under one of the cushions, she found some old book; Advanced mathematics. It didn't look like something Emi would read, and Rin flipped a few pages randomly with her right foot, out of boredom. To her surprise, there was something between the pages, some envelope with no markings on it, other than a small red heart.

'Weird', Rin thought. Valentine's day was almost a week ago... did Emi plan to confess to someone, but gave up before giving him the letter? That, too, wasn't like Emi; Rin had never seen her scared of anything. Maybe she just changed her mind then? Or it might be something else entirely, and the heart was just some doodle. Rin looked behind her, in Emi's room direction, but the door was still closed. The curiosity got the better of her, and she opened the envelope with her feet - not without difficulty - to find inside a small stack of thin sheets of paper, folded in halves. She stared at it for a moment, before coming to a decision; 'I tell her all about my love life', Rin thought, 'it's ok if I try to learn about hers, isn't it?'. That's how she justified taking a look, reading the first page at least. She would decide whether or not to continue from this point. She could use the distraction, after all... To keep herself from thinking about her own situation. And who knows, perhaps she could be the one to help, support Emi this time?

There was no name on top of the first page. Not even Emi's.

"Dearest..." was the first line. Well, it was 'dearest' originally, but the last three letters were crossed out, leaving only 'Dear'. Not the final version of the letter, apparently. There was another letter after this, part of a small second word, but it was crossed out as well, with so much ink it was unreadable. The first letter looked like P... Or was it F? Rin wasn't sure. She reviewed the names of all Emi's friends she knew at Yamaku, but none started with either letter... Then again, she didn't know many of Emi's friends or even acquaintances. The nurse... The track team's captain. Miki, a few other runners on the team. None with a P. She gave up and kept on reading; no point trying to figuring it out, and it might not even be either of those letters. And it might even be someone Rin didn't know.

"Dearest (P?)...
I hope you are well. I'm writing to you on this special day to tell you things I've had in mind for a very long time. Things I've felt for a very long time, as well. Some of these things, I probably should have told you long ago, but I just couldn't get myself to do it. To take that leap, and hope you are there to catch me when I land. It was never easy for me to talk about... about anything serious really. I can't find the words to say what I want to say, and even if I did, I'm afraid of letting it out, in the open where it could come back to haunt me."

Rin could empathize with this; Not finding the right words was an everyday's struggle for her. That letter seemed a bit personal, and she pondered putting in back in the envelope, but the curiosity won again, and she kept reading. 'Just a bit more, until I know who she's writing to', she decided.

"What if you don't feel the same? Hell, I know you probably don't feel the same... Never felt the same. Which makes me want not to write anything at all. To just forget it. To ignore what I feel, what I want, like I've been doing these past two years. It's not so bad, is it? We might not be as much as we could hope to be, but we're still friends. Couldn't be any other way, right? You can't help someone dress up in the morning and not become friends."

Rin dropped the letter, now feeling terrible about what she just read, realizing who it was about... herself. Somehow it felt less an invasion of privacy when she thought it was about someone else, than it did now. These words were clearly meant for her, but... Not at this time. Not now. Or Emi would've given her the letter already. She considered her options; Going to talk about it to Emi. Putting the letter back in the envelope, never say a thing about it, and if Emi was to give it to her someday, pretend it was the first time she ever saw it. Or the third option...
She already hated herself for it, but it was too hard to resist; She picked the letter again and kept on reading.

"And so we did become friends, couple years ago. Parts of me wish we were still just friends and... I know that's what you are. What I am to you. But, for better or worse, I can't think of you only as a friend anymore. Because I love you, Rin. I LOVE you.
I LOVE YOU.
...And I hate seeing you like this. I'm writing these words while you're sleeping in my bed, after yet another fight you've had with him... You cried all night, and I took care of you, while he wasn't there, while he was doing... Whatever. By all means, he should be the one who cares about you most, and he doesn't. Not one bit.
I know I never asked you to be with me, Rin... and even if I did you might have said no, so I'm not gonna tell you about how it hurts me not to be with you. But what hurts me more, is to see how he treats you. How he makes you cry. And how you keep going back to him, how you accept it."

Rin took a moment to absorb this new information. She knew Emi always kept stuff like that for herself, but still... She never would've guessed she felt this way about her. Never gave her a hint. Unless 'always being there for her' counts as a hint. She made up her mind then; She would talk to her about it, definitely. But... Only after she's read it all; She didn't know what else was there in the letter, it could be awkward to only talk about that part, when the rest might be completely different. Rin's 'serious talk' was awkward enough already. She placed the first page on a nearby table and read the second one.

"I'm tired of seeing you hurt. I'm tired of hurting myself, knowing that he's the one responsible for you feeling like that, but I can't say anything about him, by fear of you pushing me out of your life for him. I'm tired of having to cheer you up every time he tears you apart. I'm happy to be there for you, I feel better knowing you have at least one person you feel comfortable to talk to when you're not feeling well. But wouldn't it be better if you didn't feel like that in the first place?
I'm not asking you to be with me, Rin. I mean, I would if I knew you'd say yes. But all I'm asking you is... To make the choices that will lead to happiness, your happiness. I'd be happy to be there for you for the good times too, you know? Since you've started dating him, when's the last time you came to see me for no reason? I feel like the only time you come to me anymore is when he makes you sad. He's the one hurting you, yet I'm the one you seem to be moving away from. I've made my peace with your relation... I wouldn't ever be with you like that. Fine. But I thought we could at least stay friends, yet even this seems less and less likely as time goes. Maybe I should've said something earlier. Maybe I should've told you how I really felt. But it was hard for me. I thought about what would happen if you rejected me. Whether this confession would make you push me out of your life forever. And so I kept silent. But now I can't keep silent anymore, not when I'm seeing you like that. I never said anything, out of fear of rejection... But it's more than that now. Even if you were to reject me... There is more I wanted to tell you, hence this letter. And all I can hope is that whatever you decide, whatever you feel... It won't be the end for us."

Rin felt tears coming to her eyes again, and couldn't help thinking about the last thing she told Emi; To go away. To leave her alone. That she didn't want her. She felt terrible, thinking about what Emi would feel right now; Afraid of being rejected, and being told to go away, when she was just trying to help. She wanted nothing more than to walk to her, to tell her sorry and then... Who knows. But she had to finish the letter first;

"It took me so long to finally get myself to write this for you, afraid of the consequences, but now... Would they be any worse than what you're enduring now? You're never happy, or not for long anyway. I hate having to say this, and you might not see it that way yet, but... Hisao is bad for you Rin, you have to realize that. And I know I'm biased, but keep in mind, you're biased too, Rin. Be objective. When is the last time you've been happy, truly happy? Was it because something he's done for you? Or only because he let you hang around him, used you whenever he felt like, and not lift a finger for you when you need help? What is he doing for you Rin?
I found you naked in the bed once, after he fucked you and couldn't even bother dressing you up again... I had to do it. Does he even care?"

Rin recalled what Emi was talking about; 'He told me he had to leave quickly to get back to his dorm room', she thought. She didn't make an issue out of it... Emi helped dress her up after all, so it was all good. 'Maybe I take her too much for granted...'. Rin tried to think about other similar situations, but Emi was a step ahead of her in the letter;

"I try to make you eat healthy, and most of all, regularly. You'd lose your head if it wasn't attached to your shoulders, and sometimes I wonder if you'd even eat at all if I didn't bring you lunch. When has Hisao made you lunch to make sure you ate properly? When did he buy you a drink? Yeah, he peeled you oranges that one time, big deal... And he made sure to get you smoking, to balance that good deed? Someone with his condition, smoking... I wish I could tell you he only cares about himself and not you, but to be honest I doubt he cares about anyone at all, himself included. He wants to go down it's fine by me, but Rin, don't let him bring you with him. There's nothing good coming out of this.
And of course, he makes you skip school to smoke with him, and... who knows what else. Are you two doing drugs yet? I try my best to make you attend school, because it's good for you. I don't like school much either, and I'm not very good at it, but I try. And I make you try, too.
I... I know you don't think much of me, Rin. I might not be as smart as Hisao, but I'm doing my best. For me and you both. I'm not a bad person..."

The ellipses made it quite clear what she really implied; "I'm not a bad person... but he is". Rin was a bit stunned by this torrent of new ideas, these revelations, and she felt a bit confused. She had never seen Emi being so open, honest like that. Probably why she wrote it down; Couldn't bring herself to speak it out loud. She kept reading the rest; Almost there. She had to get through it, then she'd talk to her... But what would she tell her? She was right, of course... Rin never thought about it this way, but it was hard to argue about anything she said;

"I don't always understand you Rin, and neither does he... But I don't think any less of you. I don't yell at you, I don't make you feel like he always does. I encourage you in your art when I think you might need it, but I don't try to push you too much; You've got enough of your art teacher for that. Your boyfriend shouldn't add to this, pressure you more, make you more miserable. I always try my best to make you feel better, to make your life better if I can, while everyone else seems to try their hardest to make you feel bad, to make you cry, suffer, to make your life a misery. And yet you push me away, and stay close to these people.
I recall the first time I tried to hug you; Caught you by surprise and you kicked me in the stomach... but you lament not being able to hug him. HIM! WHY? It's just not fair..."

Rin recalled these events, when she first met Emi, couple years ago. They've had some great times since... And she was right; They didn't have as many since she started dating Hisao. Nor did Rin have many great times at all, for a while now. It took this letter, this fight with Hisao, all of this to make her realize something she missed for a long time... How much of her happiness was linked directly to Emi, and how much of her sorrow came from Hisao. Yet she didn't bother trying to hang with Emi anymore, unless she forced her hand - figuratively. And she desperately tried to spend time with the person who kept making her unhappy. Was she really in love with him? Or simply in love with love, and afraid to go back to nothing? Though... she may have something else to go back to now;

"This is what I had to say, Rin... And now you know. I won't ask you to answer me. I won't ask you to do anything. We can talk about it, and I'll listen to anything you have to say. Or you can just tell me 'no', and we'll never talk about it again. We'll stay friends if you want, and I will keep trying to be there for you whenever you need me... And we can spend time together like we used to do before... It's all up to you Rin. You know how I feel now. You know how I wish you were mine... And I wish I was yours. I wish you wanted me in the same way I want you. But if you don't... There's nothing I can do about it. Other than being there for you, always.
With me, without me, with anyone else... I hope you find a way to be happy."

There were only a few lines left in the letter. Rin closed her eyes and rested her head on the couch, trying to digest this new information. Trying to imagine herself with Emi... Could she really do something like that? She had never thought of Emi this way... But she had not seen Hisao like that either when they first met, and it still happened;

She was thinking about all this, and recalling the good times spent with Emi in her years at Yamaku, when the door to Emi's room opened brusquely, sending a few pages of the letter flying away. 'I will tell her now', Rin thought.

'Emi?'

Rin called out her name without turning in her direction, expecting her to walk around the couch to come face to her. The bullet struck her at the back of her head and came out in front, sending a spray of blood in the air, ahead of her, some of it hitting the pages of the confession letter before the gravity brought them to the floor. 'So beautiful', Rin thought, in her last second of brain activity; 'I wish I could paint it'.

Emi walked in front of her, still holding the gun, and looked at the bloodied pages laying on the floor, taking a second to realize what they were before picking them up, stacking them back together and coming to sit next to Rin on the couch. She placed the letter at her side and passed an arm around Rin, holding her close, in a hug. She smiled sadly before voicing her thoughts aloud, though no one else could hear;

'You can't kick me now, Rin. You can't push me away'.

Emi brought the gun to her head and after a moment of hesitation, she pulled the trigger. The blood spattered the top of the last page of the letter, but the last lines were still visible;

"I want you to be happy, Rin. Because I love you.
And whatever happens, whatever you decide... I will always love you.

With all my heart
Emi