Magical Mayhem #03: Divide and Conquer [AR]

>Reverberation travels back into your body from the final kick.
>Thirty seven clunks follow, and you look up to find the tree now clear of apples, like every other in this section of the orchard.
>Suppose you're done for the day.
>With a quick adjustment of your hat and wipe of sweat from your brow, you pile the last few buckets of apples into the cart and head back towards the barn.
>Glancing skyward, you see it's not even noon.
>Maybe you were too good at this.
>...Nah, no such thing.
>Still, might as well take the rest of the day off.
>Could get some shopping done; always need a few things for the farm.
>Maybe swing by the library, see what Twilight was up to.
>Yeah, today was gonna be a good day.

>"Morning, Applejack."
"Howdy."
>"Just the six?"
"Yep."
>"Alright, four bits."
"Here ya go."
>"Thanks, see you around."
"See ya."
>You place the half dozen carrots into your saddlebag, and wave goodbye to the orange-maned fellow farmpony.
>Granny should be able to whip up a mighty fine strew with these.
>After all, as much as you hated to admit, a pony could only eat apples so often.
>Not that you'd tell anypony that, anyhow.
>Trotting through the market, you spy a familiar non-pony face towering above those around him, engaged in a barter with a stallion selling oranges.
>You make your way through the crowd for a greeting.
"Well howdy Anon."
>The human turns to face you, a smile forming as he recognizes you.
>"Mornin', Applejack."
>His smile falters as he glances back at the orange in his hand.
>"Uh, it's not what it looks like, I swear. These are for a friend."
>You chuckle lightly.
"Don't worry about it none. Just don't let me catch you again, ya hear?"
>He returns his own chuckle.
>"I'll go back to buying my oranges in the dead of night, then."
>Considering you've never seen him buying oranges before, you weren't actually sure if he was serious or not.
>You could usually get a good read on ponies, but some of the things going on in that human's head were beyond you.
"So what're ya'll up to out this early? I thought today was the day you and Twilight did all that magic studying?"
>Some of the mirth drains from his face at the mention of Twilight.
>"Yeah, we uh, finished early today. So I figured I might as well get some things done. What about you? I thought you were usually applebucking until at least mid-afternoon."
"Same reason. Been trying out a new bucking technique that's cut down on time pretty good, actually."
>Anon turns mildly contemplative.
>"I didn't think there was much technique involved in kicking a tree."
>You give him a slightly cynical smirk.
"There's more to it than you'd think."
>"I'm sure. By the way, any chance you were going by the library at some point?"
>You raise an eyebrow.
"I was thinking about it. Why?"
>"No reason, I just figured Twilight might need a little help with something."
"What kinda something?"
>The human nervously scratches at the back of his head.
>"It's uh, complicated. You'll see when you get there. Look, I gotta run. You'll see me around."
>Before you could question him further, Anon moved away with fast, long strides.
"Uh, alrighty then."
>Turning in the direction of the library, you realize how strangely that farewell was worded.
>He must have been hanging around Twilight too much, turning into one of them 'learned' types.
>Though he's always been a little strange, ever since he arrived.
>Ah well, probably wasn't important.

>The relative peace of the day continues all the way to the library, which honestly made you a bit worried.
>The town was usually at least a |little| chaotic on Twilight and Anon's magic testing days, when things tended to go horribly awry with an eerie kind of certainty.
>But today Anon has already gone home, so maybe things went smoothly for once.
>That or this was just the calm before the storm.
>Here's hoping.
>Reaching the library, you extend a hoof and knock.
>After a moment, Anonymous answers the door.
>"Mornin', Apples."
"Howdy Anon."
>...
>Wait.
"Uh. Didn't I just see you at the market?"
>The human sighs. "Probably. Come on in."
>You cross the threshold slightly confused.
>A feeling that only grows when you see the library in some kind of mess the likes of which you've never seen.
>Every book has been pulled from the shelves, stacked into walls that were nearly two ponies high, running all through the room.
>There seem to be narrow pathways between them, but all you can see beyond each is more books.
>"Twilight should be around here somewhere. I gotta get back to |books|."
>Again, the human swiftly exits your presence, disappearing into one of the labyrinthine corridors that now filled the library.
>With little options, you make your own way into the maze, searching for the proper path to your purple friend.
>It was hard to imagine there were really |this many| books in the smalltown library, or for that matter, all of Equestria.
>Coming to a crossways, Anon walks past carrying a cardboard box full of books.
>"Comin' through, Applehat."
>He's gone before you can even react.
>Three turns later, he passes by again, a stack of books balanced on one hand and what appeared to be a harpoon in the other.
>"Pardon."
>After another four turns, at which point you were sure you were going in circles, he comes down the path directly towards you, nose buried in a book.
>He steps over you without a word.
>This was becoming ridiculous.
"Dagnabbit, Twilight, where are you?"
>A familiar voice calls back, from somewhere you weren't quite sure of.
>"Applejack, is that you?"
"Yeah, it is. I can't seem to find my way through this place!"
>"What kind of books are around you?"
>You glance over the titles on the spines around you.
>None are familiar.
"The fancy kind!"
>There is a groan.
>"Fiction or Non-fiction?"
>Another cursory glance.
"Uh, Fiction, I guess."
>"Take two rights, a left, another right, then head straight until you get here."
>You start to question how she could possibly know where you were just by what kind of books you were around.
>Then you thought better of it; she probably memorized the exact location of every book set down in this crazy construction.
>Sure enough, following the directions leads you to the unicorn in question, sitting at a desk piled high with even more books, in the middle of a small clearing.
>She smiles weakly upon noticing you.
>You waste no time with pleasantries.
"Twilight, what in the world is going on in here? It's like the hedge maze at the castle gardens all over again."
>Her smile loses the fight to a sigh.
>"I'm looking for a spell."
"What kinda spell?"
>"A spell to fix another spell."
>You look back around the library.
"Guess I shoulda known."
>Anon pokes his head around the corner of the bookstacks leading to your location.
>"Mystic Malefactions?"
>"Already checked it," Twilight promptly responds.
>Anon wordlessly places the book he was holding at the top of the stack nearest to him before disappearing again.
>The act reminds you of another pertinent question.
"Say, what's up with Anon today, anyhow? I saw him this morning, and then here, and then there, and then here again, and then I don't know! Did whatever cockamamy spell you cast on him make him start teleporting around all willy nilly or something?"
>"Uh not exactly. You see–"
>Anon pops his head up over the wall of books behind Twilight.
>"Yo, Purplesparks, haven't found shit and I'm out of books to look through."
>Before Twilight can respond, Anon speaks up from the corridor behind you.
>"Check shelves 3A through 4B, I think there's some left there."
>"Alright, thanks."
>You look back and forth a few times.
>It takes a moment to process.
"Uh, Twilight? Are there... are there two of him now?"
>The exasperated unicorn lets out a sigh harder than any that have come before it.
>"I |wish| there were only two."
>A sudden 'Whoopshit!' comes from somewhere out in the maze, followed by a series of thuds.
>Then a growing rumbling.
>In a panic, Twilight bounds over the desk towards you.
>"Get down!"
>And then all the world was books.

>Standing back up, Twilight dispels the purple dome around the two of you, various volumes flooding into the empty space around your legs.
>You look out over the sea of tomes, to find no less than a dozen different Anons pulling themselves from the worded wreckage.
>"Whoops," states one near the back.
>"Good job dumbass, you killed all the books!" shouts another.
>"You can't kill books, idiot," A third responds.
>"I can kill you," is the second's curt response.
>"Nobody's killing anybody!" Twilight suddenly outbursts. "At least not until we fix this!"
>"Well how the hell are we gonna find the damn spell now? All the books we already looked through are scattered again thanks to Tripfoot Fumblebum and his amazing two left feet over there."
>"Hey, they're your left feet too, moron. Besides, I'd like to see |you| keep your footing when you step on an open book carrying a stack of about 20 more."
>"I think I'd try to avoid stepping on open books in the first place. Or any books. Not that hard."
>"Look around us and say that again. Books are the only thing |to| step on."
>"I'll step on you."
>"I'll step on the both of you if you don't get back to searching!" Twilight again explodes.
>As the various Anons go about picking up books, you place a consoling hoof on the livid librarian's shoulder.
"You alright there, sugarcube?"
>Her anger subsides with a deep breath.
>"Yeah, sorry. I'm just a little on edge right now."
>You look back to see an Anon get hit in the head by a book another had tossed aside, prompting him to shout various obscenities at his other self, who casually responded with that one-fingered gesture you see him use a lot.
"Can't imagine why."
>"I'd just like to fix this problem as quickly as possible."
>Turning back to your agitated friend, you put on your best 'everything's gonna be alright' smile.
"You shouldn't let yourself get too worked up over things like this. Sure, things may seem bad now..."
>You look back to see the two Anons were well past the verbal stage and had begun purposely hurling books at one another.
"But they'll get better. We can fix this. We always do. And besides, at least things aren't getting any |worse|."
>Twilight gets that nervous look about her again, scratching at the back of her head.
>"About that. You see–"
>One of the Anons suddenly screaming in pain cuts short whatever she was about to say.
>"Hnnnggrraaaaafuckingshitdamnit!"
>You turn to find him doubled over in pain, and... wait, did he always have two heads?
>Horrifyingly, you can only watch as the two heads pull away from one another, while new flesh, bone, and (thankfully) clothing forms in the gap between, in a perfectly symmetrical mirror image.
>After much screaming and cursing, there is a loud 'fwap', as the final connection between the two is severed, leaving two dazed humans where there once was one.
>"Man, I'm never going to get used to that."
>"Yeah, me neither."
>You look back at Twilight, unable to hide the fear and worry present on your face.
>"That happens about once every hour, for each copy. And I'm afraid it may be speeding up in frequency."
>Well so much for things not getting any worse.
>"I managed to do a few calculations while searching for a reversal spell. If current patterns continue, by the end of the day the Anonymii will outnumber the current population of Ponyville by about four. In 24 hours, he'll be more numerous than all the ponies in Equestria at large. And in two days, there will be more of him than there are molecules of water in the world's oceans. I couldn't bring myself to go any further."
>You stare at your stonefaced friend, mind reeling with the information you just took in.
"Well, I'll be the first to admit I'm not that great at no fancy math, but... that sounds bad."
>Twilight can't manage to suppress a chuckle at your straightforward assessment of things.
>"Yeah, it's not an ideal situation, I'll admit. And time is of the essence, so I hope we're able fix it soon."
>The bookfight has increased in intensity to include most of the current Anons minus one, who looks up, shakes his head, and returns to the comic he was reading.
"I hope so too, for your sake. Now then, how can I help?"
>Some of the fatigue seems lifted from Twilight's shoulders at your mention of help, which manages to bolster your own confidence.
>"Like I said, I need to find a spell to reverse the process, or at the very least |stop| them from dividing. But I haven't had much success yet."
>Trying to find a spell, great.
>If you were being honest– and how could you not be– finding books wasn't your strongpoint.
>Though maybe you could keep her spirits up at least, and she might figure out something on her own.
>And though you're no Pinkie, a joke couldn't hurt.
"Dividing? If you'd have asked me, I would have called it multiplying. But I guess that shows how bad I am at math, heh."
>Okay, comedy isn't your strongpoint either.
>You should probably just stick to kicking trees.
>Despite your attempts to kill humor, Twilight suddenly perks up and looks at you.
>"Multiplying... That's it!"
>It is?
"It is?"
>"All this time, I was basing my search for a solution on the assumption that they were dividing, because of the manner of how they were splitting. But if that were true, each Anon would be only half of the original in some way. Since they're all identical, they must actually be multiplying! Thanks, Applejack."
>You didn't entirely follow all those words that just came spewing out of her mouth, but you're pretty sure you heard a 'thanks' there at the end.
"You're welcome, I uh, I think."
>With a smile of renewed confidence, Twilight looks out across the vast expanse of bound paper covering the library floor.
>"Spike!"
>A familiar purple dragon pokes his head out of a mound of books.
>"Bring me that copy of The Magic of Math again!"
>With a smile and thumbs up, Spike jumps up and does an honestly impressive swan dive into the lake of literature.
>Mere seconds later,  he breaches through a crest of hardcovers, book in claw.
>"Thanks."
>After passing it over, he gives a bow, and backflip dives back into the sea of scrolls.
>Your gaze lingers on his entry point for a moment.
"I didn't know you could swim in books."
>"Dragons can swim in anything."
>Clearing the scattered books off of the desk, Twilight plops the spelltome down and starts flipping through it.
>Curiously, you glance over her shoulder at the contents.
>Upon realizing you don't understand a single thing you're looking at, you wonder why you bothered.
>"Aha, I knew it! An anti-multiplicative spell! I glazed right over it in my earlier panic."
>The book is shut, and carefully placed alone on one of the many empty bookshelves nearby.
>Looking towards the chaos of flying books and otherworldly curses, she begins to gather magic in her horn.
>You're somewhat startled by the continuous beam of deep purple energy that suddenly comes shooting out of her head, leading to a point above the center of the room.
>From there, it collects into a brilliant sphere, surrounded by several spinning rings of runic symbols, which soon catches the attention of the entire room.
>"The hell is that shi–"
>The sphere fires more beams at each Anon, bathing them in an ethereal glow and lifting them into the air.
>Then, it just up and explodes with a purple shockwave, hurling books and humans everywhere.

>Once the dust settles, you look out over the aftermath of Anons once again recollecting themselves.
"Boy, math sure is something else."
>"Isn't it though?"
>One of the Anons approaches Twilight, appearing moderately irritated.
>"Yo, sparkleass. What the hell was that?"
>Twilight lifts her head high and puts a hoof to her chest, positively beaming with accomplishment.
>"That, my surly friend, was half the solution to our problem. You all should no longer be multiplying."
>Anon's expression changes, and while he doesn't actually smile, he at least seems no longer annoyed by just being in the purple mare's presence, which is a lot more positive than you've seen of him lately.
>"Oh, well that's good."
>"Speak for yourself."
>The three of you look back to find one Anon– wait, no, two, looking a bit... off.
>A single pair of legs led up into two completely separated torsos, the owners of each looking angrily in your direction.
"Huh. Must've hit them while they were splitting."
>Twilight gives a nervous laugh.
>"Eeehheheh, sorry."
>"Oh, no, it's cool. I always wanted to be a freak of nature," responds one-half of the Doubleanon.
>"Well, technically we've always been a freak of nature, considering we're originally from another plane of existence entirely," says his other half.
>"Jesus, do I really have to be stuck to |you| for the rest of our lives?"
>"You've lived with yourself so far, amazingly. Even after that one time back in Appleloo–"
>A chorus of shushing comes from every Anon in the room, silencing the half man.
"What happened in Appleloosa?"
>"Nothing happened in Appleloosa," the nearest anon deadpans.
>Given your familiarity with the place in question, you let it drop.
>"So anyway," he continues, "what's the plan from here?"
>"Well," replies Twilight, "now that the looming threat of global annihilation by a flood of innumerable clones has passed, I'd say first thing is to clean up the library."

>Cleaning up catastrophic messes goes surprisingly fast when you have twenty eight hands, two claws, four hooves and a horn to put things into their proper places.
>Once the small dragon standing on you for height pushes the last book you'll probably never have any interest in reading back into the shelf, you turn and look over the library.
>Everything looked to be back to the way it always was, save for the increased quantity of Anons lounging about the place.
>Spike settles in for a ride as you converge near the table with Twilight and one of the Anons.
"Alright, I'd say that'll do it."
>"Wow, that hardly took an hour. Thanks guys. I almost hate to bring you back down to a single entity."
>One of the Anons out in the room speaks up
>"If you really think we'd all willingly stick around to do your chores, you're a lot stupider than I originally thought."
>"He's got a point, you know," remarks the nearby Anon.
>"Uh, er, well... yeah," Twilight fumbles.
>"So anyway, about getting rid of all the other me-s, how do you think we'll go about doing that?"
>Twilight glances back at the comfort of her books.
>"I'm sure there's a spell around here somewhere that should help."
>"Of course there is," Anon shoots back, suddenly irritated, "there always is. Seems like every problem we have around here is eventually solved by just throwing spells at it."
>"Well, not always," Spike speaks up from your back. "Aren't you technically still a weretimberwolf?"
>"Yeah, don't remind me. I still have these strange urges to howl at the moon whenever anyone says that."
>Another Anon fiddling with a busted shelf suddenly speaks up.
>"Hey, did someone say weretimberwolf? I just had the urge."
>"Yeah, me too," another says, "weird how that still happens any time anyone says weretimberwolf."
>"I think it's because we technically still are a weretimberwolf, right?" asks a third.
>"Maybe," responds a fourth. "Hey Twilight, how do weretimberwolves work?"
>"Would everyone |please| stop saying weretimberwolf before my head explodes!" the nearby Anon suddenly shouts.
>"You just said it again," points out the first other Anon.
>"Shutup!"
>The flustered Anon turns back to Twilight, who you suddenly notice has a subtle smirk on her face.
>"Okay Purple, I cannot deal with all of this me in here, so let's hurry up and find a solution before I start killing myself."
>"I don't know," Twilight responds with a widening smile, "maybe we should keep them around a while longer."
>Anon's agitation only grows in response.
>"And why in the everloving name of Celestia's fiery butthole would we do that?"
>Twilight's face sours somewhat at Anon's colorful choice of words, as does yours.
>"So you'll know how I feel all the time."
>"What the hell does that mea– oh."
>The human goes silent for a moment, leaving only the sounds of the other Anon's idly chatting amongst one another.
>Finally, he breaks the relative silence, and for the first time in... well, ever, sounds completely sincere.
>"Twilight... I..."
>Your aggravated friend looks up, tentatively awaiting his response.
>You couldn't help but bite your own lip in anticipation.
>"I... don't think getting three feet shorter and turning purple is going to help our current situation."
>Well so much for heartfelt apologies.
>Twilight lets out her tension in the form of an extremely long, exasperated groan.
>Anon chuckles.
>You can only sigh.
>Spike wasn't paying attention.
>Anon suddenly crouches down and throws an arm around Twilight, startling her somewhat.
>"Ah, I'm just messing with ya. I got the message."
>Twilight remains skeptical.
>"I'm sure."
>"But hey, here's the deal. If you don't get rid of the clones, |you'll| have to deal with all of their constant bothering as much I will."
>The unicorn's face quite quickly becomes less purple than usual.
>"I'll start looking for that spell."
>"Atta girl."
>As Twilight turns back to scan through the recently rearranged reading materials, you shake your head.
"I don't see how you two put up with one another."
>"I'm afraid it's a mystery not even the magic of friendship can solve," Twilight replies without turning around.
>"Yeah, friendmagic ain't got shit on humanity," Anon replies, with what you feel might be displaced confidence.
>"I'm just glad we stopped all of you from dividing before things got really out of control. If any of the clones had gotten out before I found that spell... well, we'd still have a pretty big mess on our hooves."
"Yeah, I–"
>At that precise moment, a very important memory pops into your head.
"Uh... fellas?"
>"What is it, AJ?"
"You remember when I got here, and asked if hadn't just seen Anon somewhere else?"
>"Yeah, you said you ran into me at the mark– ...oh no."
>The book levitating off the shelf freezes in midair as Twilight comes to the same realization.
>"You mean one of the Anons left the library before I cast the spell?!"
>You absentmindedly adjust your hat while the two of them bear down on you.
"This ain't over, is it?"
>While Twilight proceeds to spiral into a vortex of chanting "oh no, this is bad" over and over, Anon takes a step towards you.
>"Apples, what did the me call you when you saw him?"
"Huh?"
>"Did he call you something ridiculous? Some kind of absurd nickname?"
>You rub your chin in thought.
"I don't quite rememb–"
>Before you can finish, Anon abruptly rushes towards you, grabbing you by the shoulders.
>He lifts you up to be eye level with him, which had the unfortunate effect of throwing Spike to the floor.
>"Applespank? Treekicker? Fruityflanks? Produce Punter and her Profound Pectin Permeated Puckerhole?!"
>He was starting to shake you violently at this point, to which you were not appreciative.
"No, none of that! He just called me Applejack!"
>The shaking stops, and you are rather ungracefully dropped to the floor.
>Thankfully you land on your well-toned backside, and incur minimal damage.
>"...Oh crap."
>Getting back to your hooves, you look up to find your sudden assailant staring blankly at the air ahead of him.
"Is that bad?"
>His focus returns to you.
>"Yes, it is. I only call you guys by your real names when I'm up to something."
>"The fact that you're aware of yourself enough to admit that is disheartening," Twilight says from over at the research table.
>"It doesn't matter!"
>"Kinda does."
>"We have to stop him... me... them... whatever, before they do something unimaginably horrible! Like... oh god no."
"What?"
>"They're gonna drink all my booze!"
>There's a round of gasps and assorted comments from the other Anons.
>"Oh god, my booze!"
>"No, anything but that!"
>"Booze! Nooooo!"
>"You know we can buy more, right?"
>The nearby Anon points dramatically towards the door.
>"Everyone! To the Anon Cave!"
>The action is met with silence.
>"We have a cave?"
>"I mean the house, idiot."
>"Oh, yeah. Anon Cave!"
>The crowd of Anons shout a war cry in unison, before scrambling out the door, leaving scattered papers fluttering in their wake.
>You stare at the open doorframe for a second.
"Well, that was strange."
>Twilight does not mirror your demeanor, and appears to be getting all panicky again.
>"We gotta go after them!"
"Do we really?"
>"Yes! Regardless of the fact that I wouldn't trust that many Anons loose in the town on a bet, there's probably more of him out there that are still multiplying!"
"Oh, right. The whole 'flood the world' thing. Alright, guess we better get."
>Before charging out the door on her own brazen mission, Twilight turns back to her loyal assistant.
>"Spike, take care of the library while we're gone. See if you can't find another spell to deal with all the clones."
>The young dragon salutes.
>"You got it!"
>"Thank you. Come on, AJ, we've got a horde of humans to catch."

>It only took a few minutes of pursuit to catch up, given your above average running abilities.
>You slow down to lock stride with the forwardmost Anon, as Twilight explodes out of nothing on the other side to do the same.
>Dang fancy magic.
>"Anon," she started, "I understand your determination, but do you really think running a crowd of yourself through the middle of town was the best idea? What if somepony sees you?"
>"Yeah, what |if|? Hi Pinkie."
>Your pink partying friend waves back as you all run past.
>"Hi Anon! Hi Twilight! Hi Applejack! Hi Anon! Hi Anon! Hi Anon! Hi Anon! ..."
>She continues for every human that passes, who each greet her back in turn.
>"See? No big deal."
>"That's just Pinkie, she's always like that."
>"Look, I don't care. We've got to stop the other me-s before they drink all my booze."
>Twilight gives him a pretty hard glare.
>"...And, you know, drown the planet with bodies, I guess. By the way, we got a plan for that?"
>"Spike's back at the library, looking for a spell to deal with the copies. I'm sure he'll find something."
>"Yeah, he's got a knack for that sort of thing, I have to admit. What about until then?"
"I figure stopping them from multiplying would be a good start."
>"Alright, sounds like a plan. There's the house up ahead."
>Your odd company comes to a stop in front of the large home.
>You can hear some kind of commotion coming from inside.
>The leading Anon places his hand on the doorknob just above your head, but hesitates.
>In fact, the entire group of him seemed... apprehensive all of a sudden.
>Twilight, however, was in a hurry.
>"What are you waiting on?"
>"Before I came to this world and learned that magic was a thing, I did some thinking about what I would do if there were more of me."
"You did? Why?"
>"Just some thought experiments, mostly. Anyway, it culminated in two potential plans for the event. If I know me, the others will have come back here to enact one of those two plans. Or both, if they've already gotten into the liquor."
>You look back to find the other Anons all looking rather nervous, shifting uncomfortably in anticipation.
>"I just wanted to warn you that what lies on the other side of this door may not be pretty, if it's the plan I'm afraid it might be. Are you prepared?"
>Twilight takes on a look of determination and nods, as you do the same.
>"We're ready."
>"No, you're really not. But I'm going to open the door anyway. Here we go!"
>The door is violently thrust open, onto a scene you could have never expected.
>Hundreds of Anons are packed into the now seemingly tiny domicile.
>All the furniture has been pushed out of the way to the walls, leaving the spacious living room an open floor, around which all the copies gathered, shouting and cheering.
>Except for two, who stood inside the makeshift arena, beating the living crap out of one another.
"What in tarnation?"
>"By Celestia!"
>"Oh thank god it's just the fighting arena."
>There's a round of relieved sighs from your group of Anons, and at least one 'darn'.
>Twilight is perplexed.
>"Wait, this is the |good| scenario? What was the bad one?!"
>"You don't want to know."
>You, Twilight, and the Anon that opened the door squeeze into the tightly packed home, after the remaining dozen or so decide to wait outside.
>The house is loud, cramped, and smells of several liquids, only a few of which were alcoholic in nature.
>So basically your standard bar.
>If standard bars also had patrons beating each other senseless.
>...Actually, no, yeah; standard bar.
>"Well, at least we know the spell is most definitely accelerating," Twilight says.
"This place is a mess."
>"Yeah," Anon responds, "that's usually the consequence of getting this many humans together in one place and then letting them get drunk. Although considering they're all me, I'm kinda surprised the house is still standing."
>"Yeah, okay, we get it," Twilight irritatedly starts, "you're a big jerk and your jerk quotient increases exponentially when you're multiplied. No need to keep stating it."
>"You know, you really can kill all fun when you put your mind to it."
>You can't help but tune out Anon and Twilight's bickering, letting yourself meld a little with the strange environment.
>It reminded you of that time in Appleloosa...
>No, better not bring that up again.
>Anon isn't the only one with things he'd like to forget.
>What was up with Appleloosa and unspeakable experiences, anyway?
>You suddenly notice something that didn't quite fit.
>It was a voice. Unlike the hundreds of other voices, it was female.
>And you were almost certain you recognized it.
>You steadfastly move through the crowd of Anons in the voice's direction.
>Before long, you come across a few chairs and tables, several boards laid across them to form makeshift bleachers.
>And sure enough, there she sat, cheering along with the rest of the Anons.
"Rainbow, what the hay are you doing in here!?"
>"Watching the fights, duh!" she shouts back over the noise. "Heck, I've got 20 bits on shirtless to win!"
>"You're betting on the fights?!" Twilight suddenly yells from right next to you, startling you somewhat. "Are you nuts?"
>"Yeah," Anon interjects,  "any sane person would bet on shirt for this one, he's mopping the floor with shirtless!"
>"Not helping!" Twilight shouts back.
>"He can give betting advice if he wants," one of the Anon's sitting next to Rainbow says, "wrong as he is. Shirtless' got this one in the bag!"
>"Yeah!" Rainbow agrees with a hoof pump.
>You hear an all too familiar sigh over the din of the house.
>"This is a catastrophe," Twilight sullenly states.
>"Nah, this is pretty cool. Like I said, I always wondered who would win in a fight between me and me."
>A loud slam from the arena draws your attention, and you notice the Anon still wearing his shirt was on the ground, the shirtless one on his back with him in a headlock.
>"And it looks like I'm a much better fighter when I take my shirt off! Goooo shirtless!"
>"Wooo!" Rainbow agrees.
>"Rainbow," Twilight pleads, "you really shouldn't be here, this situation is getting worse every second."
>"I can't leave now, it's just getting good!"
>"Yeah really, Sparklespank, let the girl have her fun. We know what we have to do, it's just a matter of doing it. This situation is completely under contr–"
>You barely have time to notice Rainbow's face go colorless before you hear a sickening snap.
>Looking back, you can't help but notice the shirtless Anon is holding his opponent's head high in the air.
>Which would probably be alright, if his body was still attached.
>The crowd cheers as you stand awestruck by horror, for the second time today in barely two hours.
>Rainbow slowly lowers her forelegs, her gaze distant.
>"I think I'm ready to leave now."
>"Okay, so," Anon begins, "maybe things aren't quite as under control as I thought."
>"Do you |think|?"
>Twilight sure recovered from her own shock alarmingly fast, in order to go back to being irritated at Anon.
>Was she even shocked to begin with?
>They may be rubbing off on one another.
>You managed to shake off your own dismay shortly afterwards, though you'd probably have nightmares for weeks.
>Luna better be prepared to see some serious stuff.
>You try not to look as several other Anon's drag the lifeless remains of the fallen out of the arena, as another walks in.
>He was wearing what you recognize as Anon's so-called "ringleader tophat", and yelling into a piece of cardboard rolled into a cone.
>"Victory goes to Shirtless #24! Will any two of me brave enough to enter the |Circle of Self-Slaughter| please step forward! In the meantime, place your bets on whichever one of yourselves you fancy!"
>You catch a glimpse out of the corner of your eye as your own Anon starts to take off his shirt.
>Twilight notices too, to which she is suddenly very hostile.
>"|Stop that!|"
>Anon drops his shirt and throws his hands in the air.
>"What? We |just| saw I'm stronger without a shirt, so if I go shirtless victory is guranteed! It's scientifically proven!"
>"That's not how science works!!"
>"And how would you know, you just use magic for everything!"
>"Magic |is| a science!"
>"The hell it is! Magic is literally the exact |opposite| of science!"
"Guys!!"
>Both of them stop arguing and look at you.
"I know we're all a little off balance because of the situation we're in, but ya'll still need to figure out how to fix this mess before it gets even |worse|!"
>The tension in the air releases a bit as Twilight emits another sigh.
>"You're right, I'm sorry."
>"I'm not."
>You glare at Anon.
>"Okay, I am, Jesus."
"Now, if I remember right, you just gotta cast that spell to make them all quit multiplying, right?"
>"Right. I'll get on that."
>Twilight looks towards the rambunctious crowd of humans, and around at the room.
>...She seems to be taking her time.
"Something wrong?"
>"No. Well, a little. One caveat of this particular spell is it'll only work if the total number of targets is prime."
>Your stare intensifies.
"You better be pulling my leg."
>"I wish I was. And with so many of them all moving around and constantly multiplying, it's hard to get a correct count to know for sure."
>You sigh, taking some of Twilight's earlier irritation, and look around the room real quick.
"...Alright, there's about two hundred twenty seven in the house right now, not counting the one we brought in who's already been stopped multiplying. I'm pretty sure that's a prime so hurry up and cast it before another one pops up."
>"Right!" Twilight states, turning her horn in the direction of the center of the house.
>But again she hesitates, something occurring to her in a delayed reaction.
>"Wait, how'd you do that?"
"What, count? I've been doing it since I was a filly, and I should hope you have too."
>"Not like that. I can't count nearly that fast or focused, especially in an environment as chaotic as this."
>You tap your hoof slightly impatiently.
"So?"
>"So, I thought you said you weren't any good at math."
"I said I was no good at |fancy| math. I can count just fine. And do any other tasks directly related to apples or the running of an apple-based business."
>The two of them just just sorta stares blankly at you for a moment, before Anon finally responds.
>"You're something of a one-trick pony, you know that?"
>"We can talk about this later," Twilight finally realizes, "Right now I have a spell to cast."
>A bright purple light shines from her horn, building in intensity.
>It quickly fizzles out and you hear some kind of strange, low-pitched buzz.
>"Darnit, it didn't work!"
"Probably because in the time ya'll spent jawing about my counting another three Anon's went and came to be."
>"Arrrrg, this is hopeless! The timing is impossible at this high a number."
>"You know I really thought you'd be better at this whole magic thing, Purple."
"Shut it, Anon. Look, is there any part of the spell that says it has to be cast on |all| the clones?"
>Twilight thinks for a moment.
>"Not that I know of."
"Then we can do it in groups. There's thirteen over in that there corner being downright antisocial."
>"Okay, got it."
>Once more, her horn shines purple.
>This instance seems successful, as the glow grows into a medium-sized purple orb stuck to her forehead.
>Twilight rears back, and slings her head forward, throwing the orb into the middle of the group, where it promptly detonates in a bright flash.
>Besides some minor disorientation, the thirteen Anons seem largely unaffected physically.
"Huh. What happened to the big fancy explosion and lasers and whatnot?"
>"If I cast the long version of this spell every time we'd be here all day."
"Fair enough."

>The two of you work in tandem to neutralize the remaining Anons of the house, while Anon mills about being useless, like usual.
>The process was fairly simple; as far as you can figure Anon was so used to having spells cast on him most groups hardly even noticed, and the ones that did didn't seem to care.
>Twenty-nine here, thirty seven there, nineteen, big group of fifty three right there, seventeen, twenty three, twenty three again, another nineteen...
>A final orb blasts the two Anons currently in the arena, to which they briefly stop, shrug, and continue fighting.
"Alright, that should be the last of them!"
>"Thank goodness, I'm downright exhausted."
>You notice an Anon saunter over to you, eating a slice of cake.
>"Remembered I had some cake left over from the last Pinkie party. So you guys fix it or what?"
>"Yes," Twilight replies, "no thanks to you."
>"Hey, what'd you expect me to do? I don't have magic or any bizarre counting abilities, so I figured you two could handle it."
>"Yeah, but–"
"I know you two can't pass up an opportunity to argue, but quit it. All two hundred thirty five Anons are totally multiplying-free."
>"Great!" Twilight suddenly shouts, with what you can't help but notice is mock enthusiasm, "now we just have a house full of two hundred and thirty five Anonymouses to deal with."
>You hear another loud, wet crack, followed by uproarious cheering.
>"Two hundred and thirty four," Anon states flatly, staring towards the arena.
>Twilight remains silent.
>"Look, don't worry about it, Purplestuff," Anon continues. "Way I see it, we can just kinda sit back and let this problem take care of itself now."
>Twilight looks up, incredulous.
>"How, may I ask, will it do that?"
>"Well, they're already eliminating one another through one on one combat, so it stands to reason that eventually they'll all wipe each other out."
"What about the last one?"
>"I'll take 'im on."
"But... what if you lose?"
>"I doubt it. Soon as the fight starts I'm gonna jam this fork in his eye."
>Anon twirls the cake fork between his fingers.
>That statement seemed to finally hit one of Twilight's many 'flip-out switches'.
>She lets out a slowly building yell, flailing her forehooves in every direction.
>Several nearby Anons take notice, chuckle lightly, then return to whatever they were doing.
>"I can't take it any more! |How| can you be so nonchalant about all this?! Does it not bother you to watch yourself |die| over and over?!"
>Anon takes another bite of his cake, chewing slowly.
>"Not really."
>"Why not?!"
>"Because as much as these guys are |like| me, they're not |this| me."
>He pokes at his chest with the fork, leaving a bit of cake residue on his shirt.
>"But they're identical clones!"
>"Correction, |were| identical clones; specifically at the exact point of creation. Afterwards, they became wholly separate individuals with their own direction of events and causality that just happen to bear an overwhelming similarity to me."
>As angry as she was, Twilight could never deny a logical application of science.
>"...Okay, that is a point, I guess. But still, how can you act so callous to beings that are still mostly yourself?"
>Anon gets that distant look to him again.
>"I never much cared for myself, to be honest."
>An awkard silence came across the three of you.
>...Well, |relative| silence. This place was still really loud.
>It was starting to get on your nerves.
>Twilight eventually gets it back together.
>"Alright, well, as... |depressing| as that revelation is, I'd still like to figure out an alternate solution to this ordeal, preferably before it gets any worse."
>Any melancholy Anon might have been feeling was clearly promptly bottled up with the rest of those emotions males pretend they don't feel, as he quickly brightens back up.
>"I wouldn't worry about it. The only way this could |possibly| get any worse is if some of the Anons realize that with their collective power and numbers, it would be entirely possible, if not a guaranteed eventuality, to conquer Equestria at large."
>An Anon breaks through a nearby crowd and moves towards you, clearly distressed.
>"Guys! Some of the Anons realized that with their collective power and numbers that it would be possible for them to–"
>"God damnit!"
>"What? ...Oh, did you just now point out that–"
>"Yes. When did they leave?"
>"Like... 20 minutes ago, I think."
>"20 minutes ago?!" Twilight abruptly shouts. "Why didn't you come tell us sooner?"
>The anon scratches the back of his head.
>"I, uh... I got caught up watching the fights."
>"Oh for the–"
>"Be mad later, we've wasted enough time as it is," the first Anon says. "Come on."
"Where are we going?"
>"The place I always planned to start my domination of Equestria from."

>"...My library?"
>The fifteen and a half of you stand gathered just outside where all this mess started.
>Twilight is, as usual, mad.
>"Why in the world would you start here?"
>"Because long ago I determined this to be the most strategic location to start a national invasion."
>"I'm just gonna go ahead and not ask why or how you came to that conclusion."
"So, fellas? Tree library full of an unknown amount of Anons, here? We gonna, I don't know, do something about that?"
>"Right, the tree. We need to infiltrate the compound before one of the seven sentries spots us during their rounds. Now..."
>Anon kneels down and starts drawing diagrams in the dirt with a stick.
>"Me, Twizzlers, and Breakfast Cereal are going to sneak around to the back door in order to covertly gain entry. Anon, Anon, Anon, and Anon, you provide cover support for Anon and Anon, who will be assaulting the fortress directly as a distraction tactic. Anon, Anon and Anon, scout the area for any hidden battlements."
>"What about me?"
>"You just stand there and look pretty."
>Anon stands up.
>"Alright, we should have about two minutes before the next round of sentries examine this location, so we should–"
>An Anon pops out of the upper canopy of the three library.
>"Purple off the port bow!"
>"We don't have a port bow, this isn't a boat!"
>"Who cares, open fire!"
>The canopy comes alight with hundreds of projectiles.
>Anon keeps his cool.
>"Holy shit! Fuck the plan, everybody run!"
>You scatter.
>You manage to duck behind a nearby bush, along with Twilight and one of the Anons.
>"So," Twilight begins calmly, "something's been bothering me since we left your house."
>"Yeah? What's that?"
>"Nothing much. Just the fact that you apparently have had, for a long time now, an |alarmingly| elaborate plan to take over Equestria, completely memorized and ready to enact at any potential opportunity."
>"Oh what, are you telling me that if you one day found yourself with a limitless number of yourself, the thought of conquering all civilization would |never| cross your mind?"
>"Yes!"
>"...Really? Huh, maybe it's just a human thing."
>"I'm beginning to regret having you live here."
>A large object nearly takes your hat off, skidding to a halt in the dirt.
>You take a moment to get a closer look at it.
"Wait a sec, are they throwing books at us?"
>"Oh come on, we |just| re-shelved those!"
>"We've kinda got bigger problems here, Twinkleshine."
>"Like what?"
>"Well, for one thing they don't seem to be adhering to the plan, so I have no idea how to get in there and stop them."
>"Is that because you actually just made that plan up a few minutes ago?"
>"No! ...Well, maybe."
>"Of course."
>"Look, it doesn't matter! All of them are camped out in the tree's branches, so there's no good way to get at any of them without getting a facefull of book."
>"So what are you saying?"
>"I'm saying we're fucked."
>It was at that moment you realized you knew exactly what you had to do.
"No we ain't."
>You stand up.
>"Applejack, what are you doing?"
"Doing what I do best!"
>With no more thoughts about it, you leap over the bush and charge the treehouse.
>You can hear Anon shouting behind you.
>"Everyone! Cover Apples!"
>Several of the other Anons leap from their cover and take to the charge with you.
>A storm of books rains down upon you.
>You dodge as many as you can, but the volume is incredible.
>The Anons make a noble sacrifice and take any hits you can't avoid.
>Strangely, you feel like your entire life has been leading up to this moment.
>Time slows down as you near the trunk.
>You take a deep breath, and leap.

>You kick the tree.

>For a time, there is silence.
>Then, it rains men.
>Anons fall from the canopy like freshly ripened apples, their unspent stockpiles of scriptures tumbling down with them.
>When all is said and done, thirty seven Anons lay sprawled about the ground, half-buried by books.
>It was finally over.
>As sound returns to the world, you notice the Anons cheering your name.
>"Woohoo!"
>"Go Treekicker!"
>"Alright, Fruityflanks!"
>"Way to go Produce Punter and all that other shit!"
>More or less, anyway.
>You triumphantly canter back to the group.
"Alright, Twi. Cast that spell so they don't multiply any more and let's call it a day."
>"I wouldn't bother," Anon says.
"What? Why not?"
>"Going by the fight arena, death also stops the multiplication process."
"...Death? But I just–"
>"You just what? Kicked them out of a giant tree? The canopy is almost three stories high, Apples. Most of them landed on their neck, probably died instantly. And they were the lucky ones; rest are probably still bleeding out."
"Wh... Buh... I..."
>"Honestly I don't know what you were expecting to happen. This isn't a cartoon."
>You sit down.
>Apparently, you've just killed thirty seven humans.
>This... might have a lasting effect on you.
>A million questions swam wildly through your head.
>Did Equestria have any laws against the killing of humans?
>Weren't they on the endangered species list, in fact?
>How were you going to live with yourself, knowing what you did?
>Oh Celestia, how are you going to face Applebloom?
>And why was Anon smiling so big?
>...
>Son of a...
"They're not really dead, are they?"
>"No. During one of Twilight's many testing sessions I apparently developed a permanent immunity to falling out of trees."
"That... don't make no sense."
>"Magic don't make no sense."
>Looking back, you do indeed find the multitude of Anons you shook loose from the canopy stirring, completely unharmed.
>Well on the bright side, no dark dungeons and lifelong guilt for you.
>"That wasn't very nice, Anon," you hear Twilight say.
>"Yeah, sorry. Couldn't help myself. No hard feelings?"
>Anon sticks his hand out towards you.
>You eye it pensively for a moment, before letting out a sigh.
"Alright, fine. Just try to be a little more considerate the next time you feel like making somepony think they just committed a mass murder."
>You meet his hand in a shake.
>"Noted. Glad to know we're square."
"Oh, we ain't square. Not by a long shot."
>You suddenly stop shaking, and wrap your foreleg around his arm, pulling his face close to yours.
"Just watch your head when passing under any apple trees from now on."
>Your glare remains as you let the startled human stand back up., eventually giving way to a grin.
>Anon does too, but with a hint of uncertainty.
>"...Okay?"
>You turn back to Twilight.
"So, are we finally done with all this? Because I'm just about ready for this day to be over."
>She thinks for a minute.
>"Well, with the tree-bound Anons neutralized, I think we've successfully stopped all the Anons from multiplying, for real this time."
>You breath a sigh of relief.
"Great."
>"The only thing still concerning me is the house full of them we left behind to come back here."
>"You know," Anon starts, looking at something distant, "for some reason I don't think we have to worry about that anymore."
>Following his gaze, you notice a solitary Anon walking towards the lot of you.
>He was wearing no shirt, and completely drenched in blood.
>Rainbow Dash walked silently beside him, similarly stained.
>Twilight notices this about the same time you do.
>"Rainbow!"
>You both rush over to inspect the pegasus, who grins casually at your presence.
"Are you alright?"
>"Yeah, I'm fine."
>"But you're covered in blood!" Twilight helpfully points out.
>"Relax Purple Spastic," the blood-drenched Anon says, "none of it is hers."
>"What the hell happened?" Anon asks.
>"Well", bloodied Anon says, "after you guys left, the whole arena concept kinda broke down and we all just started indiscriminately beating the living shit out of one another."
>"And you didn't get hurt at all?" Twilight asks Rainbow.
>"Well, duh. I can fly, you know. Once the free for all started I just flew up over the top of them."
"But, you could have still gotten hit by something thrown. Why didn't you just get out of there?"
>"I wasn't done watching."
>This one was unbelievable.
>But you were really sick of dealing with things like this today, so you let it go.
>Twilight apparently was as well, because the unusual comment barely registered with her as she looked up at Anon.
>"Well?"
>"...Well what?"
>"Didn't you say you'd "take on" the last one yourself? Well, there he is, so go on. Take him."
>"Are you nuts?" Anon asks, incredulous. "Motherfucker just killed, like, two hundred of me. I'm not going up against that."
>"Actually it was more like, fifty or so, but yeah," bloodanon confirms, "I'm pretty much done killing myself for the day, I think."
>Twilight just groans.
>Strangely, you can't help but laugh.
>The stress of the day was probably catching up to you.
>"Well whatever," Twilight says. "But that still doesn't solve the issue of there being more than one of you, which was most of the problem to begin with."
>"Actually yeah", one of the first fourteen Anons speaks up, "We're just... we're just gonna go."
"Go?"
>"Yeah, go."
>"Go where?" Twilight asks.
>"Don't care. Seems like this town has an alarming death rate for myself all of a sudden, so we decided we'd probably be better off literally anywhere else. You wanna come, Blood?"
>"Why not?"
>"Cool. Alright, let's skedaddle. Bye Purple. I hope to hell we never see you again."
>And with that, the remaining fifty two and a half Anons walk out of town into the sunset, headed for parts unknown.
>The four of you watch them leave in silence for a time.
>"Well, that's that then, I guess," Anon states with finality.
>"Gonna miss the fights, though," Dash laments.
>"I'm just glad it's over," says Twilight. "Now, I guess we better start cleaning up the library, again."
>"Yeah, you three have fun with that."
>Anon swiftly pivots and starts walking away, raising Twilight's ire one last time.
>"You're not going to help?"
>"No," Anon says, turning around while continuing walking backwards, "because I have to go home and figure out what the hell I'm going to do with over two hundred of my own corpses."
>He turns back around, and waves over his shoulder.
>"It's been real. Far, far too real."
>Dash yawns, stretching her body a bit.
>"I think I better go home and wash off all this Anon blood before I get too purple. See ya guys."
>She flutters off lazily, leaving only yourself and the equally exhausted magician.
>You look back at the departing herd of humans, a light evening breeze picking up.
"Twilight?"
>"Yes Applejack?"
"Can I be honest with you?"
>"Of course."

"I hate magic."