Not a member of Pastebin yet?
Sign Up,
it unlocks many cool features!
- The 100 Things I Hate The Most.
- 100: Hats
- 99: The song "Breakfast at Tiffany's" by Deep Blue Something
- 98: Kirstie Allsopp
- 97: People who say "Glasto"
- 96: Team GB. Team anything.
- 95: The term green belt. Which means "dont reduce the value of my home" rather than "won't somebody think of the countryside"
- 94: Anybody over the age of 12 on a skateboard
- 93 People who put their middle finger and thumb to the side of their eyes to intimate a level of stress you cannot comprehend.
- 92 Football hipsters. Vintage Barcelona shirts, non league fanzines, all that shit.
- 91: Jeeps. Fuck off.
- 90: The film Pretty Woman. Unless its a subtle satire of Reaganite values. Which it isn't. And even then it would suck.
- 89: Childish menus in pubs. I'm here to obliterate myself. I don't want fucking Little Yummies. I want to drink till I'm sick.
- 88: Glamping. It's fucking camping. And camping is for paedophiles. And those poor bastards outside Calais. Get a hotel.
- 87: Vaping. You look like a dick. Get some dignity. Back on the cancersticks man.
- 86: That twat from Blur. No. Not him. The other one.
- 85: Fashion. All of it. Grow up. Your clothes were made by battery hen kids. You will look like a cock in that shirt.
- 84: Cath Kidston. Twee misogynist bullshit for women with shit taste in everything.
- 83: Baristas. You pour coffee for fuck sake. You're no more a barista than the guy who takes our recycling is an environmentalist.
- 82: John Bishop
- 81: The minority novelty sport segment of a Saturday morning BBC Breakfast. Some prick getting paid to play Surfchess or Arsegolf.
- 80: The smug just spunked on a passing unicorn face Jools Holland pulls when he gets to play piano with some legend on Later.
- 79: Musicals. The nadir of man's achievement. Showtunes with their piccolo and cornet shit. Lloyd Webbers face - a vomiting crab.
- 78: Tony Parsons and his mix of sentimental barrow boy politics and sixth form rhetoric.
- 77: DVDs at car boots. No one sells anything good. I don't want Talladega Nights. Or Little Nicky. How much for Coyote Ugly?
- 76: People who mythologise violent criminals. Ooh the Great Train Robbbery. Course the Krays made the East End safe. Shitheads.
- 75: Breakfast radio posses. Not enough personality for the airwaves? Surround yourself with people paid to laugh at you. Wanktards.
- 74: The Barmy Army. That brass band that play at England football and cricket? Nothing but UKIP with trumpets.
- 73: Gina McKees nauseating turn as a disabled woman in Notting Hill.
- 72: Magicians. Jugglers. Street entertainers. The statue man. All bollocks. Friendless dickheads on the make
- 71: The Italian Job. And it's remake.
- 70: phones that tell me I meant it's and not its.
- 69: Collections in spare bedrooms. There's homeless people and you've given a bedroom to 22000 He Man figures/Queen Mum cups.
- 68: people who say "coin" when they mean "cash."
- 67: People who help find the golf ball in tournaments.
- 66: Labradoodles and Cockapoos. Fuck off with your dog cocktails.
- 65: EastEnders introducing a new family. Displaying a behaviour or identity the audience can go Oh Asian/Benefits and tick a box.
- 64: High School Proms are a US thing. We have telling Mr Giles to piss off and doing a pointless degree. Prom? Geddouttahere!
- 63: The film Mamma Mia
- 62: The stupid way in which that girl in the Black and white dress in the Nivea advert dances at a concert.
- 61: The Medway Towns. Capital of Broken Britain. If Kent is the Garden of England, this is the weed patch.
- 60: Kids drinking Red Bull. These are your peak years you lazy cunts. Put down the XBox and learn to swim. Its safe. Rolfs gone.
- 59: The term Indie now meaning "has guitars" I'm blaming Noel Gallagher, Chris Evans and those God awful Shine compilations.
- 58: People tracing their family tree. You spent 800 quid proving your entire line amounted to nothing. Well done.
- 57: The attempts by BBC2 to make baking somehow dramatic. It's the cunt from Emmerdale making scones ffs. Baking. Piss off.
- 56: Stag and hen nights.
- 55: Any poll that says kids most admire Richard Branson. I have never met a child who wants to be a hippie cock when they grow up.
- 54: Fireworks
- 53: Catfish. It's like Stalker Watchdog. Except theyve blown that by chatting to gullible Americans sad they are not getting laid.
- 52 The added O to Dawn Porters name. Unless it's symbolic for gaping talentless hole.
- 51: The Comic Relief Career Path. The standups gap year. I went to Sierra Leone to dig a well. Now I sell out arenas. Knight me!
- 50: Chevy Chase. He isn't funny. You're ALL wrong.
- 49: Being asked if I've been bummed by an African recently. I'm trying to give blood. You're bringing back painful memories.
- 48: Van bangers. Nonce on his way to court! Quick! Show the world how much YOU care. Bang the prison van! Yeah!.You're the man!
- 47: Wimbledon. The only way Wimbledon could be more middle class is if David Mitchell was a first round wild card each year.
- 46: Pub amateurs. People who only go out twice a year and are shit at it. Why your true booze hound never goes out New Years Eve.
- 45: White Rastas. They're a dying breed but, like Jacko defenders and Help for Heroes merchandise, they need eternal mocking.
- 44: That music man song. Pia. Pia. Piano. Piano. Piano. Though it is a handy way for paedophiles to accidentally "out" themselves.
- 43: People who wear sunglasses at any opportunity. Few sighted people look good in shades. None on a muggy grey day in Penge Lidl.
- 42: Rocky Horror Picture Show enthusiasts.
- 41: The voice of Paul Gambaccini. A transatlantic tone redolent of vanished laptops and powerful lawyers.
- 40: Parents whose kids have names all beginning with the same letter. They probably go to Center Parks.
- 39: Pokemon. Japanese torture didn't end with Nagasaki.
- 38: Schoolboys with beards. Half the lads at our local comp look like Mungo Jerry ffs
- 37: People queuing overnight to buy stuff. Ooh there's a half price telly. Ooh a new Harry Potter dildo. Queuings for gangbangers.
- 36: Wristbands. My favourite moment of this century was the shaming of Lance Armstrong. It made a million wrists look like cunts.
- 35: I've only just seen this. Kitkats labelled for Cycling Breaks. Fuck off. Cycling really is the new Untouchable.
- 34: Self service checkouts in supermarkets. 1: That used to be someone's job. 2: Aaah! Bananas don't have barcodes on them. Twat!
- 33: Tolkien. Which is an old Orc word for "only paedos read this goblin shit".
- 32: Quiz show contestants told to drag show out. "Well. I know it's not 27. Or Cher. So I'll say Paris is the capital of France."
- 31: Live Lounge. Jo Whileys legacy will be endless sad retreads of pop hits by artists who think acoustic means poignant. Shit off.
- 30: TV studio audiences. People waving to a "supercomputer' on a game show. Blokes in football kit. Watching a parked car. Scum.
- 29: Educating (insert county). Wow. Top teachers! You'd be good at your job too if it was being filmed. Where's the shit staff?
- 28: The Libertines. Add a druggie version of Rik the People's Poet to tunes the Clash would reject for being too leaden. Voila.
- 27: Bailiffs/debt collectors getting sympathetic documentaries. Apply now. History of violence preferred though not essential.
- 26: Rich guys boasting their kids won't get a penny when they die. Why not say I never loved your mother while you're at it. Twats.
- 25: Kay Burley. Remember Grace Pander in Death Race 2000? Kay Burley is that satirical creation multiplied by Gail Tilsleys face.
- 24: Hackett/Eden Park. A look that says "After intimidating this pub with banter, us lads are off to hunt foxes. And rape them."
- 23: Paid holidays of a lifetime for rich comedians tv projects. Especially Griff Rhys Jones. The grasping rimjob.
- 22: Suntans. People never say "ooh nice hangover!" Or "That is a top scar." Damage your skin in the sun though and its high fives.
- 21: Man vs Food. Basic needs abused as entertainment. Shame he didn't make Man vs Sun. Or Blood Smeared Man vs Great White Shark.
- 20: Regional spin on world news. Devon man went to Sousse in 1987. Is he shocked by these events? Yes. We didn't see any gunmen.
- 19: Football gossip. Insiders say Alan Wank is poised to make a million pound move to Cancer Napolitano. STOP MAKING SHIT UP!
- 18: Bank TV ads. Banks are cunts. They dont return lost scarves, they don't have choirs or radio stations. They reposess homes ffs
- 17: Leslie Ash. NHS suing talentless carp mouthed fuckmuppet.
- 16: Stage schools. Pushy mums convinced their Jakey is a star in the making. He's a cunt in the making. Child abuse with fees.
- 15: Name badges. My name is Alan and McDonald's own me. I am a branded cow. My badge helps identify me should I upset a customer.
- 14: The Big Issue. 25 years of not ending homelessness. Never mind. 800,000 empty properties. 250000 homeless. I see a solution.
- 13: Sport quiz shows. A Question of Sport is UKIP Golf Club Banter. That thing with Cordens got Corden in it. Don't mention TTIAO.
- 12: Children in Need: Celebrating our failure to care for society's most vulnerable. Now in UK Causes Only flavour!!
- 11: Cash machines with too many options. What language? Balance? Receipt? Printed? I just want money its my fucking round!!! Cunts
- 10: The Boat Race. Televised as part of our cultural heritage. It’s a wankers jolly watching future business cunts on steroids.
- 9: Motorsport. All of it. From F1 to the klaxon raping dickdrinkers at Speedway.Except when rally cars hit fans. Cos that's funny.
- 8: Danny Baker. The Australia to Clarksons South Africa. The Cockney Dungeonmaster. Beat cancer then wished it on rioters. Wanker.
- 7: The increasingly shit names of children. Did you want a kid? Really? Then why did you call it Kai/Fletch/Legolas? You twat.
- 6: People who say things like "Ooh 5 sleeps till Ibiza" online. I find texting local thieves their addresses most therapeutic.
- 5: DIY. Make DIY illegal and you'll halve the unemployment numbers at a stroke. DIY is time consuming joyless wanking with hammers
- 4: The theft of working class culture. Football, pop music, even our fucking chips. Hipster vultures circle our bingo and darts..
- 3: Tax evaders. Oh I pay a lot of tax as it is. So? That's like a paedo saying well there's a lot of kids out there I didn't shag.
- 2. Actors being "brave". Bravery is showing courage in difficult situations. It isn't wearing a prosthetic nose or cripping up.
- AND THEN I COULD NOT DECIDE ON A NUMBER 1
- Joint #1
- 1: That moment when you realise who Claudia Winkelman’s mum is.
- 1: Post Buble boybands. Hey they dress like the Rat Pack! They sing songs your nan would like. They're all fucking awful. Like Sinatra is!
- 1: The sudden trend of phrase "Life-changing injuries" in tv news. Tempting the worst kind of ghoulish speculation. OOh that's a leg gone!
- 1: Apps and devices that tell you where speed cameras are. Why not list coppers in the phone book? Fuck you, ignorant motorpricks.
- 1: Armed forces ads. They should have a quadruple amputee typing “I Never Went Speedboating and Helmand Is Shit” with a headstick.
Add Comment
Please, Sign In to add comment