Carmen Miranda's Ghost, Part 1: Shakedown

Johnny Anger, human cyborg. Unmutated, heavily augmented. No gene treatments. Nearly killed in a shuttle crash, his limbs are now cybernetic parts, and he has an artificial heart and lungs. Changed his name to become a bounty hunter, didn't pan out.

Franklin Dupont, human. Light mutation re

Gregory Jones, human. Heavily mutated due to starting life

Wilson, the uplifted chimpanzee. Highly intelligent. Chain smoker. Uses his small size to fit into tight spaces other mechanics can't.

Chester, the Little Green Man. The only non-Earthling representative, Chester is not his real name. His real name requires syllables that other languages just don't have.

-----
"I'm still not convinced this is a good idea, Pauly."

Captain Ricardo was a baseline human. He didn't have any mutations from radiation. He'd never sprung for cybernetic augmentation. He didn't even have any gene treatments aside from the typical ones to prevent familial diseases. What he did have was ten years experience as salvage mechanic and pilot. He and his first mate were currently looking at a "fine secondhand vessel" to salvage his last ship after a catastrophic depressurization resulting from a pirate hacking the airlock.

"Neither am I, Captain. But we don't have much of a choice with our budget."

Pauly Shore wasn't a baseline human. He had enhanced intelligence as part of a series of gene treatments. This resulted in a genius-level IQ that cemented his place as the crew's comms officer and first mate. The digitation of his beak and zygodactyl feet had also been increased by gene therapy. Unlike his friend, he was an uplifted parrot currently sitting on the captain's shoulder.

And then there was the ship before them.

The crew had found this relic for a bargain in a little salvage yard on the dark side of the Moon. An old vessel, reportedly crewed by survivors from some fallen regime or another back in the old days on Earth. Of course, the problem was that it was built before humans made their own FTL tech. Which meant that it had to come from somewhere else in the galaxy, been built with another species' anatomy and life support needs in mind, and that most of the more recent technology was retrofitted in. Even so, it was a very large ship for a ten-man operation, and it was half the cost of a new ship less than a quarter the size due to its age. The plans the salvage yard's owner had shown them gave the ship as having two decks, most of the "lower" deck occupied by a tremendous cargo bay. The problem was that just by looking at it, it was apparent that the ship actually had THREE decks. Which either meant new construction had been attached, or the blueprints were to a different ship.

It was a... unique design. A large, rounded square panel at the back where a block of thrusters- four large ones for acceleration, four smaller ones for changing the vector. From there, The body of the ship tapered forward, the two sides gently curving in to a sharp point. Sort of like the lovechild of a giant capsized rowboat and a bullet, but made of heat shielding and solid steel. The "bottom" was a good deal flatter than the "top," allowing the ramp and landing gear to sit flush with the hull.

The mechanic, an uplifted male chimpanzee by the name of Wilson, was giving her the once-over while they were still in the atmosphere of Luna. Activating the magnetic gloves and boots he'd use to move about during EVA or if the ship's artificial gravity bugged out, he began climbing over the ship, taking notes as he went.

A cursory glance showed scorch-marks on the "nose" of the craft. This meant that the ship had been in use before deflector shields were commonplace, burning off paint on re-entry. Normally the ship would keep up its forward shield during the descent to prevent burning on re-entry. With all the micrometeorite damage to the hull, it looked like it had been in use before deflector shields EXISTED. There were even monodirectional RCS thrusters that looked more at home on a museum floor than a spaceworthy vessel- the norm was RCS blocks with 4 thrusters. There were, oddly enough, small landing pontoons in addition to the more typical four-point landing gear and cargo ramp. While this meant it was possible to perform both water and ground landings, it was an odd design choice. Perhaps it was intended to land in changing conditions, like most military freighters. Of course, that wouldn't explain the solar strips built along the back. This was as deep as his investigation could go, however- the external plates over the docking clamp wouldn't come off. The paneling over the wiring for the external sensors was locked just as tight. He couldn't even get the ladder leading up to the airlock to deploy. The yard owner lit up his cigar, looking up at the chimp.

"Oh yeah. Previous owner said an engineer of an earlier crew was kinda paranoid of pirates. None of the external hatches open without direct authorization from the bridge. Makes it harder to break in, but damned if it ain't a pain in the ass."

The chimp glared down at him, raising an eyebrow. Although the gene treatments had done wonders for his intelligence, the voicebox on his PDA had to do his talking- chimp vocal chords just can't wrap themselves around human languages. "Okay, just how many crews has this ship been through?"


In fact, the ship was originally constructed- and painted- by a horrible little race of insectoids that saw a very different band of the light spectrum than humans. To them, the contrasting neon greens, matte blacks, and electric pinks might have looked acceptable, perhaps even pleasant. To the mostly human crew now settling in, it looked like the interior of the ship had been painted by having Jackson Pollock force-feed dynamite to clowns.



"Olá, capitão. Estou 387-CRMN, o seu assistente pessoal e regula a inteligência artificial deste navio."

"What the hell kind of Earth-language is that?"

"I don't know. Sounds like Spanish."

"Yeah, but at least FOUR Earth languages sound like Spanish. And then there's planetary dialects."

"Hallo, Captain. Ich bin 387-CRMN, Ihr persönlicher Assistent und über Intelligenz diesem Schiff."

"Okay, that sounds German. Anyone speak German?"

This was Carmen Miranda's Ghost. And for the duration of this shakedown cruise around the Sol system, it would be their home.