Meditation

[00:26] Ethan nodded, taking in the fact his brother was, much like himself, very good at hiding a lot of negativity. Perhaps even better. Sure, he was lost, but he wasn't on the ground crying. A few moments of thought were spared before Eiphraem's advice came to mind - the final step to getting everything under control, or so Ethan felt.

"If Reito was there she could teach us how to meditate. I also have stuff I gotta... Take control of."
(Ethan Hawke)
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[00:27] Jesse Hawke says, "Teach US? You mean teach YOU."
[00:27] Jesse Hawke says, "The very first ritual is hours of meditation."
[00:27] Ethan Hawke asks, "???"
[00:28] Ethan Hawke asks, "How did you even have the will to stay and marry that girl?"
[00:28] Ethan Hawke asks, "Are you dumb?"
[00:35] Jesse tilts his head.

"That can't be a real question, bro." He sighs. "Most people would give the world for what I have, really. What either of us have. We're magi. One of the strongest forms of life on the planet. My future wife can call down power from the stars and shoot fire, Ethan." Jesse goes on! This whole shebang was starting to seem so fucking crazy to him. He had been a magi for so long now, it was becoming hard to remember the times before he was insanely powerful.


It was hard to remember that he was even human. That was he was really a kid once. It seemed so close, but so... not him. He literally *was* the same Jesse that ran around stealing booze and mushrooms in the fields, but it felt like the distance between then and now was infinite. An impossible gap.

"Regardless of if it's stupid... it's the chance I have, Ethan. It's ***fate.*** Destiny. I've just been blind to it for a long while. Forever now, I've wanted to give appreciation for it. To say 'Thanks, Reito. Thanks, Jiuweihu. Thanks, Shen. For making me all - sparkly and magical' but..." He heaves a heavy breath.

"Now I just want to take this as far as I can go. That's the best show of appreciation I can give. For everyone."
(Jesse Hawke)
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[00:44]
{LOAD GAME}

[00:49] Ethan had to take a metaphorical step back. The words that Jesse uttered were... Insanely true. Those kids that thought they were cool just because they managed to grow a few plants in the middle of nowhere ended up becoming lich killers, necromancer sunderers, and star throwing magi. This wasn't by any means normal. Their lives were... Special. A small joke about meditation's boring ways had made Ethan realize that they weren't just boys anymore.

So many broken hearts. So many failed conquests. So many mistakes, too. Death was around them, yet they had been graced with the ability to not be victims of such. Kids turned magi. Just how crazy was their life?

"Well... As long as there's a lifestream to protect I'll have something to do. I guess I can't just stop before we've reached our greatest potential, yeah?"

A pause came, the previous discussion being brought back.

"So... You know how to meditate? Why'd you learn?"
(Ethan Hawke)
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[00:55] That got deep pretty fast. Jesse felt like a bit of a spoil-sport for driving the conversation straight into the Mariana Trench of Feels, but. Damn.

"Erm… yeah. I followed Shen to the first ritual just to see what it was all about. They told me just to sit there in my underwear from midnight to sunrise. I hated it at first and wanted to leave but... you'll see.

It's really simple, actually. Just find a comfortable spot to sit down in, close your eyes and... let loose. It's that easy. The biggest mistake you could make is trying to think of nothing. A lot of people think meditation is about clearing your mind, but you can't stand still and clean a room, you know?

Just let it flow... make any sense? Probably better if you just try it yourself."
(Jesse Hawke)
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[00:55] Jesse Hawke says, "Soothereed usually helps."
[00:55] Ethan Hawke says, "..."
[00:56] Ethan Hawke asks, "Do I have to be in my underwear or were you just dumb?"
[00:56] Jesse Hawke says, "You do not have to be in your underwear."
[00:56] Ethan Hawke says, "So you were dumb."
[00:56] Jesse Hawke says, "So was Reito."
[00:56] Jesse Hawke says, "So.'"
[00:56] Ethan Hawke says, "..."
[00:56] Ethan Hawke says, "Oh."
[00:56] Jesse shrugs!
(Jesse Hawke)
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[00:56] Ethan Hawke says, "So that's how."
[00:56] Jesse Hawke says, "We all were. It was a collective embarassment."
[00:57] Ethan gave a small nod, making a mental note of the explanation that was given. His right hand reached out, though. This time he wasn't going to rely on himself alone. He couldn't, right? If he wanted to win over those fears that rotted away at his soul he'd need to be able to trust someone, once again.

Tugging onto what used to be Shen's attire, Ethan spoke.

"You're coming with me, yeah?"
(Ethan Hawke)
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[00:57] Jesse Hawke says, "Sure, sure. Let's go to the Shrine."
[00:58] Jesse Hawke says, "Wait here just a second..."
[01:02] Jesse moves over to a nearby desk, pulling out a side drawer. He pulls out a glass jar. The stash jar. The SOOTHEREED stash jar. There were not one but TWO handpipes in there, along with soothereed collecting at the bottom.

He moves back to the table and puts the jar on the desk, looking to Ethan. The FDA literally did not exist and thus Jesse felt only a minimal amount of guilt for drug abuse, if none at all.

"Help yourself."
(Jesse Hawke)
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[01:08] With the D.A.R.E. program never having been invented in this universe there was a lot of things that were easier to get. Soothing reed was one of those things. A nod that seemed to know far too much about how the next steps were going to go was given to Jesse. Ethan's hand reached out for one of the pipes, picking up a rather hefty amount of herbs as he did. Far from his brother's knowledge Ethan consumed.

A lot. He even had hugged an angel while reeking of the stuff earlier on that very same day. Some may say he had a substance problem ever since he smoked with Mital, but that was a talk for another day. Stuffing the reed in the pipe the young magi offered a grin to his brother, placing the other end of said pipe between his lips. His right hand rose up, fingers ready to snap.

"Tell me when you're ready for me to light you up, too."

Fire magic had its advantages.
(Ethan Hawke)
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[01:11] Jesse picks up his pipe, loading it on up. For his part, he didn't like to smoke every day or anything like that! But special occasions and meditation were an exception to that. He COULD meditate sober, but if his brother was already smoking, why the heck shouldn't he?

With the piece to his lips, he leans in just a little, giving a nod of the head.}

Now THIS was brotherly bonding.
(Jesse Hawke)
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[01:14] Snap.

Both pipes were lit up at once, smoke slowly wisping up from them moments after the very slight amount of fire magic had made itself known. Ethan drew in a long drag, allowing himself to indulge in one of his pleasures while judging the quality of Jesse's stash. Truth be told there wasn't much diversity within a species of plant, leaving the sensation to be just as he had expected it.

From beneath a puff of smoke the young man spoke.

"So... How do we go about it, Jes?"
(Ethan Hawke)
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[01:24] Jesse takes the drag as well, breathing deep! He lets his throat fill before sucking it all down in one big gulp. His stash? Impeccable. Home grown, a strain that he didn't exactly have a name for other than 'The Good Stuff'. As he takes it down, he LOOKS like he's taking it fine.


"Yeah so-- AGHCK" He coughs loudly, putting a fist to his mouth. "Just sit- HMPHHUH - over on whatever cushion you want. I like the one by the water. Some people like to go out to the rocks and sit on those, but eh." He stands up, clearing his throat again.

"Let's go?"
(Jesse Hawke)
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[01:37] Ethan seemed to be entranced for a few moments, thinking about something else than the subject he had just asked about. His mind had wandered off about his own life - reflecting on his lack of... Well, relationship. It wasn't difficult to think of when your brother was right there and about to get married. Eventually he snapped back to reality, giving a small nod to the red-haired one. He stood up puffing out another cloud of smoke before moving to a spot that was... Dear to him.

The place where he sat and read through all of Elisheva's tome.

It wasn't even far.
(Ethan Hawke)
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[01:37] Ethan Hawke says, "... I should turn this."
[01:42] Jesse could feel it start to hit him. Good lord.

"Mhm. Go ahead, make yourself as... comfortable as you need to be. You don't have to sit cross-legged or any of that. Just sink on in and all that good stuff." He explains. As he does so, he starts to move himself, sitting down on the nearest cushion. Jesse was an expert at this by now, he could meditate upside-down if he wanted to.

"Then close your eyes."
(Jesse Hawke)
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[01:49] Ethan nodded, displacing the couch he was in a bit to face his brother before he allowed himself to sink into the red embrace that surrounded him. A long drag reached all the way down to his lungs, filling them up before the smoke would start filling the room again. A light cough escaped him as the effects of soothing reed... Soothed him.

He took in a breath, letting his eyes fall shut - though not letting himself fall asleep.

".. Yeah?"
(Ethan Hawke)
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[01:54] Jesse Hawke says, "and by bed i mean rp"
[02:01] Jesse goes to take another hit... only to find that he is not a fire magi. There's a vaguely disgruntled look on his face, before a lightbulb sparks above his head. With his index and middle finger, he brings the tips close together - before running a current between the pads of them. It's a pain and a half to get it to where he can light only a little bit of the bowl, but it works out in the end. Once he has a spark, it's smooth sailing from there.

He takes a drag, before answering-

"Yeah. So... just think about whatever now. But don't dwell on anything for too long. Whatever comes to your mind... accept it. It's a thought. It's yours. After that, just keep letting it come to you. Wherever your mind flows, follow and accept." Jesse instructs, starting to let himself slip into that meditative state himself now. Putting the pipe down by his side, he closes his eyes.

Almost instantly, Jesse entered a state of what lookedto be supreme peace and tranquility. As forcies, meditation was an important part of their daily cycle - one that Jesse had long since mastered. He was surprised Ethan hadn't caught on by now.
(Jesse Hawke)
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[02:32] Ethan nodded a few times while his eyes were kept shut. The instructions his brother had given were... Pretty simple. He just had to let things come and accept them. To let himself think, no matter how bad it may be. This was what Eiphraem had spoken about. Even Jesse didn't know what his brother had to cleanse off his mind - what he had to get under control.

.. And so, the young man placed the pipe on the nearby desk, snuffing out the flames before he more or less melted into the couch. A deep breath was drawn in before ideas just... Came.

His worries. The fact that he thought it may just be impossible for him to ever get his occult madness under control. That... was something he had to accept - to know that he was nervous about it and instead to try and overcome this inner fear that had taken over his life.

What came next was a bit more hefty; it had to do with the bonds that he thought he had severed with all the women that tried to claim his very existence in the past. They managed to get close to him for a reason, after all. Was he completely over Anna? Definitely. Leoda? Of course. Aspen? Maybe not. She had shared his life for a while and... It almost seemed like they were going to go further - like their lives actually were intertwined. He had to accept that he still had some feelings for her, that if she spoke to him he wouldn't be able to resist replying. That she still looked... Pretty, even as some thrall monster.

He had to accept his weakness.

As his mind dug deeper down the rabbit hole it fell upon this void he felt in his heart. The happiness he knew not of; his relationships were crummy and he was the joke of Agartha, according to most people. They saw him as a womanizer, as someone who didn't have standards or self-respect. It... Actually hurt. If it weren't for Magdalen re-assuring him that it was just fine to be himself earlier he most definitely would've remained stuck on people's opinion of him. He never let them stop him, but deep down he couldn't deny that they pained him.

Relationships were complicated for him. Everything stemmed from the very first girl that had claimed his heart; Vanika knew how to match him in dedication and love. She was.. Cute. She was the first girl who confessed to him, and despite it being years into their relationship, he believed it was still the best he had been in thus far. Her disappearance left him wounded, hurt. He had been lost without the one he gave his heart to. Some part of him thought it may have been a mistake after she so easily convinced Alastor to remove their bounties. He had to accept that, too. This doubt. It hadn't been a perfect relationship. It was built on a desire to please and a feeling of superiority. Even if those would come to change over the years, Vanika and Ethan were probably not meant to be with eachother.

She made him happy. She could've been his wife, but his soulmate? She wasn't that. She didn't read into his deepest thoughts.

... Not like that girl.

His mind veered off towards something a bit too tabboo to be shared. Was it wrong to have a small crush on one of your students? Magdalen was younger than he was, but not by much. He didn't see her like a kid - she wasn't one. Most of her siblings were much younger, but she... Had grown almost as tall as him. He could recall her warmth. Her scent. Her love. Her affection. The words she said. The support she offered. The feeling of her body pressed up against his. Was it wrong to want to be with someone he knew would be with him for the rest of his life? Was it wrong to want to fall in love with a girl he thought would solve all of his relationship issues forever? She could see through him. She could see through his lies. She could see that he was hurt - damaged. She understood why he flirted so much and.. Accepted him for it. She told him that she'd always be there—

The same words Aspen had given. The same kind of embrace. He wanted to believe in this one, though. His paranoia, his fear, and his doubts were all slowly bring pushed further and further down. The corruption in his soul was being kept under control because....

... Because Ethan knew what he had done wrong. Because he accepted what had happened to him. Because he accepted he wasn't completely responsible for all of that. Because he accepted and knew of his weaknesses.

Physically, the young man grew a bit more relaxed. His mind wasn't too sure whether or not he deserved to even pursue a student of his - it was wrong but it felt right. Deserving or not, she was going to be the one that he'd focus on. He determined himself to stop chasing wenches left and right, to fall for seductresses in every part of the world. He'd become a good person. Someone that actually had a shot with a slightly divine being. He wouldn't rush it— he wasn't good enough just yet.

... If he could control his desire, his lust, his needs, and his heart he knew he'd be able to succeed. They were the source of his misfortune, the source of his mistrust.

Paranoia was slowly dying off with each part of him he accepted.

He knew he should be wary of some people, but not all of them deserved it. He couldn't be so innocent anymore, but it didn't mean that he had to be mean or trust no one. He had to think, to use his head when making decisions. He had to let his heart tell him who to love rather than let his lust decide. Body and soul had to act as one and... Work together.

He had to accept that Shen's death was real. That he wouldn't see him again, at least not soon. He wouldn't search for him, either. It wasn't right to do so. His lips parted to let out a soft breath as the torment of losing a friend was being worked over.

Shen was more than just that. He was his savior to an extent. They fought for the same ideals. They felt pity and offered mercy to even the worst people in the world. It hurt that he was gone, but... That's something he had to accept too:

The pain.

It would keep on hurting. On tormenting him. He had to accept that he wasn't going to forget someone that important. He had to accept that he was getting a bit too involved in Huangzhou's affairs. He had to accept that Dawn would never welcome him as long as Alastor was there. As long as the people he knew from back then would see him as a traitor. This one was easy.

In the end, there was nothing but him and this... Occult force.

He had to accept it, too. It wasn't there for no reason; it was born from the young man's talent for it. It wouldn't go away anytime soon, either. This was something he had to accept, something he had to master and control.

Wayfinding kept the lifestream stable by riding along it and going with the flow.

Ethan would keep his mind stable by accepting reality and... Going with the flow of his thoughts.

After all, meditation was something that worked. It wasn't unpleasant - especially not with what he had smoked. He had been able to clearly picture every situation. Even the time he wanted to start all over and trusted Izabell would be the one— It hurt... But it was part of life. The mercenary may or may not have something to do with it, but she wasn't the right one; she was someone he knew nothing of, some idea he had created in his head.

If he wanted the next relationship to be a real one he'd have to learn about the person. To learn about what they were like and... To be open towards them, too. He couldn't throw himself at the first pretty girl that came around.

He had to take control of his life.
He had to take control of his mind.

Ethan's eyes opened, looking at the world in a whole new way.

".. Woah." He finally said.
(Ethan Hawke)
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