One week later

Hey man. It's been nearly a week. I just finished my shift, and I've been thinking about you for the past few days. I know you're hurt, and I don't want you to think that I don't care about that. That's what's been really bugging me. But I also want to help you understand my position and why this hurt me a lot, too. *I'm willing to listen to you, so please hear me out.*

I said some strange stuff. I totally did. I'm not backing down from the fact that I was insensitive to you, cleb, and possibly other people who've been affiliated with the LGBTQ community. But I also want to say, it really feels shitty when we had a talk about it, I felt good and like we were on the same page, and I could be one of you guys again, and then a day later I wake up to a message about how everyone in the WuTang agrees that you should drop me. I felt forgiven, and I knew in my heart that I didn't hate you or any LGBT people there, but you coming back and saying I was still hateful made me feel like you were the one harboring a grudge.

After I said that stuff, I could tell it bothered you and other people. And I apologized after, and I even apologized on the talk we had on Wednesday. I've been more than willing to listen to your criticism on how I can get better, and the only reason I agreed to do therapy again was because of you.

I deleted my messages to you and Nutto after because I didn't want to backtrack. I wanted to think and listen to you before I thrusted myself at you again. And here I am, a week later. I've seriously been thinking about what you've said, and this isn't meant to be hurtful towards you at all, but it actually made me feel worse.

It was only a day after we had that talk that you said I was still hateful. I was extra careful in that time period to watch what I said, and even after thinking it over for a week, I think you were too quick to judge.

I really hoped that you knew me better than to label me as a hateful person, and you said I was the sweetest person you've ever met, but I think you put that in there to not make me feel worse. I think if you actually believed that, you would think about every time I've tried to be there for you, all the times I've done (albeit stupid at times) things to try and make you smile, and try to push past the dumb things I've done, along with the good. **Anyone saying that I hate you for your sexuality are liars.** I know I have beliefs most people in the WuTang probably hate, and I accept that. But I really think you guys should try to push past that along with the stupid stuff I've said at bad times, instead of letting that influence your decision.

I'm not backtracking on any joke I made. They were insensitive, and I should've known better. I really hope that you guys would've labeled them as just that, and not labeled me as hateful because of it. We've talked about how we both made those before, so I hoped you would understand, you said you did. It was hard for me to joke about something with a friend and then suddenly come to a screeching halt from those types of jokes, no matter what kinds of jokes they were.

Even though you said that you want to do this as a learning experience for me, like I mentioned earlier, it made me feel worse. Instead of having my friends understand, communicate with me, and help me through my struggles, it felt like you all dropped me off and said "Figure it out. We don't want to handle what you're dealing with." I'm not going to lie, it hurt a lot, and it still hurts. It's something silly, and all I want is for us to be friends again and put this behind us. This is all stupid, every part of it, and I hope we can learn and move on.

I'll be honest. I've talked to my friends as well, some of them also gay, and they agree and know I just love you guys. All I want you to know, is it's okay if you're honest with me right now, and say, I don't want to be your friend anymore, and I want nothing to do with you. It felt like the reasons you gave for kicking me out of the Clan spontaneously and refusing to speak with me held an underlying message, and you subconsciously or not used the dumb stuff I've done as the reason. I'm not trying to put you under the bus. I've waited a week, tried to look from your perspective, and tried to put a lot of thought into this. This all made me feel very alone, because you guys were always the people I thought I could be honest with. I thought being open about my struggles with hate would be beneficial, I never meant for you to become more suicidal or cry in front of your mother.

I think the best thing we can do to combat this is just move on. It's not something that should be put thought into. I'm definitely not trying to undermine how you feel by saying that either. The fact I'm writing this is because I miss you and do care about how you're doing.

Please give me the courtesy of a response and be perfectly honest. I'll understand if you want nothing to do with me and never want to speak to me again. It will be hard for me to move on but I'll do it, no matter what the cost. Please do this, because the initial message, and the comments such as "everyone agrees ... I cried in front of my mom ... and you're still a hateful person ... now I feel suicidal again" just made me feel like a brutal piece of shit human being for a week. It did not feel like a time of healing in the slightest.

Hopefully if you've read this far you understand where I'm coming from. I've absolutely tried my best to understand where you're coming from this past week, and just wanted to respond. No matter what you say, please know I'll always love you anyway. And I know you probably don't want me to bring Christianity into this, but I'll pray for you anyway. I don't usually pray for a lot of people, so I hope that tells something at least.

I love you no matter what you do
Konwave