The pop host, ADDY DENTON:
"Hey! Whew, it's startin' to get pretty chilly, huh?
Well, you'd better bundle up! Frostbite is serious business, even if it's only the second to last kind of bite you'd want. Hehe!
Anyway, listen. I thought I'd discuss something fun for a minute, OK? I swear, it's fun, I promise. So, when I was studying biology...
I was introduced to the term 'carcinization'. It's really a rather simple concept: Crabs are simply the finest work that nature can muster, and it constantly copies it!
That's right, you heard it here first. The apex of evolution, the finest example of life on Earth... is the humble crab. Well, sort of.
Really, it's more nuanced than that... obviously, a crab is not exactly going to be well-suited to climbing trees or montane environments. Not a lot of... crabs in the woods.
But you know! Something about the crab is still simply so efficient within its domain that many distinct species and even orders of animals steadily evolved to resemble them.
Isn't it fascinating? Sometimes you find nature's greatest success stories in the strangest places. Animals that we wouldn't even think twice about, the pinnacle of the art.
Oh, for instance! Did you know beetles make up about 25% of all described species of animals? So I guess nature was also a pretty big fan of beetles, too!
And hey, that's nothing! During the early Triassic, after the worst extinction Earth had ever seen, there was this genus of... sorta'... big rat-pig things called Lystrosaurus.
Lystrosaurus dominated this period so thoroughly that scientists theorized that at one point, they made up 95% of all land vertebrates!
That's right, at one point, the vast, vast, VAST majority of land vertebrates were these giant... uh, kinda' creepy pig-rats! Sometimes efficiency isn't pretty, I guess!
So just remember, when you're going to sleep at night, feeling all superior with your firearms and houses...
You're in fourth place behind the crab, the beetle, and some oversized prehistoric rats, buddy! ...Well, I guess we're sort of winning over the Lystrosaurus by not being extinct...
... uh... for now...
Anyway, bye! Next song!"

JASMINE 'JAS' KNIGHT, the punk host:
"Hey, 'sup, come on in.
You're Jammin' with Jas, and I'm Jas. And as the owner and proprietor of this lovely little station, I reserve the right to use it as my fuckin' soapbox sometimes.
So here we go. You know, a lot of people claim, especially these days, to know about 'human nature'. They claim to be able to predict people.
Same fuckin' kinda' dipshits who call themselves 'body language experts'. Y'know that whole branch of quote-unquote 'forensic science' is total horseshit? Anyway.
Some people think humanity is inherently selfish, always out for itself, and boy do they act like they're the first fuckin' people to ever figure that out.
Others think humanity is basically good, that most people will help each other given the option, etcetera etcetera. I like this idea at least a lil' more.
But folks, truth is, noody knows shit about 'human nature'. There's no such thing. Humans are a fucked up, complicated manifold and we always will be.
Especially now--nobody's ever seen humanity faced with anything like this, so anything we have is out the fuckin' window. People are gonna' behave all sorts of ways.
You can't apply generalities and assumptions to the random people you meet on the road. You can't trust everybody and you can't mistrust everybody, either.
Fact of the matter is, you gotta' use your fuckin' head. I know, I know, but I promise you, it's not that hard.
There's no skeleton key to people. No dumbfuck platitude is gonna' prepare you for how anybody actually acts in the real world. People are too complicated to be summed up.
Stay safe out there, dummies. Jas out."

MIRIAM 'MIRI' OSTRANDER, the rap & RNB host:
"Hello.
I want to discuss with you an important mental model. It is a means by which we can understand and evaluate risk.
It is called the 'Swiss Cheese Model'. In any situation where grave risk is involved, one cannot rely on a single layer of protection and protocol.
A howling storm in the dead of night cloaks the sound of a zombie picking a hole in your perimeter, boards landing quietly into sodden mud and infested boots shortly behind them.
It slips through a hole in one layer of cheese. Each layer of defense will, inevitably, have holes. With a risk as constant and serious as we face, single points of failure are death.
But here, you are wise. The infected bumbles about, sifting your fresh scent from the night rain. It has clearly learned to follow the cracks of light, for which it hunts.
A gleam, in the dim. Your lights, pouring out through bars of steel much too thick for it to punch through, but it doesn't care. It sees gaps. Its hands thunder through them.
Hissing, snarling, pulling, its arms nearly coming apart against the might of the unyielding steel. You stir, and stalk towards your window, slipping a spear off a nearby table.
Through the bars, and between its eyes, an effortless and easy kill from behind the safety of the second layer of cheese. Perhaps you could use a third, though.
Four, maybe eight nails the next day--a much lighter cost than your life.
Heed my wisdom, and carefully manage the alignment of cheese, survivors. [light, warm chuckle...]
Stay safe. That is all. Next up..."

RONNY ROY, host of RONNY ROY'S PILE O' MUSIC, the station dedicated to playing completely random true music tracks:
"Hey hey hey, Knox! It's your man Ronny Roy, and you're listening to my Pile o' Music!
Well, you were. Now you're listening to me ramble. Anywho, I've got another tale from my escapades with the boys.
And this one's a real doozy. I mean, Hell, we still think it's supernatural!
So. Me, my kid Jamie and my main man Keith were all out huntin' for the usual: whatever the hell we could find.
We're combin' some backwoods town, hoping maybe folks ain't picked it over too bad yet, and well... we were wrong. Wasn't a total waste of time, though!
Because as we step into this house, we look around and notice it's in perfect order. Nice! Maybe someplace that hasn't been touched yet.
As we're lookin' around, we hear... a noise. A little growl, a little shuffling. Our first thought: "Aw shit, a zombie's upstairs."
But we listen closer. Keith follows the sound to the wall right under the stairs, and puts his ear up against it. "Grrrr..."
Immediately, we're curious. There must be somethin' under the stairs, right? Some folks put little closets and stuff down there. Could be hidden treasure!
But I swear to God, we look everywhere and find NOTHING. Not a single entrance. No door, no way to crawl in, no hole, absolutely nothin'.
We're going nuts over this, trying to find some secret entrance. Jamie gets tired of it and just smashes their rifle butt through the wall.
They shoot the zombie inside dead, and we start tearin' down the wall to look for ANYTHING. Any sign of how this zombie got here. And we find NOTHING.
I mean, it's like he was plastered in there! No sign it was ever meant to be accessible, and no sign anybody ever took the wall down and put it back.
So we're left wondering, and I hope maybe one of you folks could reach out and answer this for me, what the hell was goin' on here?
Anywho, that's all! Thanks for listenin', 'till next time Knox!"