[Draft] John-Rose Retcon powers

"John, you've managed something which heretofore you and all of my other friends have thought to be an impossible task. You have exhausted my vocabulary."

"What does that mean?' inquired John.

"It means no," Rose said flatly. "The answer is no. The answer has always been no. The answer will always be no. I like you, John, I really do. I care deeply for you as a friend, and were someone to hold a gun to my head to extract a meaningful heartfelt confession from me in a manner which frankly none of us are regularly capable, I might even go so far as to say that I… love… you."

"…but…?" said John, prompting her to continue, knowing full well she had every intention of doing so.

"But I am simply not attracted to you… in that way. And no amount of pestering on your behalf is going to persuade me to let you fuck me."

John opened his mouth to argue, when all of a sudden something went ZAP! A few steps away from the two of them. Both John and Rose turned towards the spot of the sudden intruder, expecting to see a time-displaced Dave or a space-warping Jade… but to their surprise, they were face to face with a John. He looked maybe a year older than the present John, half an inch taller, hair just a tad longer and messier, but otherwise the same person who had just been shot down a moment ago.

"Rose!" exclaimed Future-John, "Thank god you're here!"

"Yes, thank the gods above and below that I can be found in my bedroom, conveniently located in the same place it has been for as long as I have lived here."

Current-John countered with, "If Dave were here he'd point out the irony of any of us thanking "god" at all. Since, y'know, we sort of are gods now."

"Yes, the vernacular does have a certain oddity to it when one is literally saying, "Thank me!" as an expression of relief or general surprise."

"Both of you shut up!" said Future-John. "I've come from the future with terrible news, and a dire warning!"

"Those two things would be redundant," said Rose, "But you have piqued my interest. Please continue."

"Today is the day everything goes wrong!" exclaimed future-John, throwing up his arms for dramatic effect. He put on his best impression of a dramatic movie theater trailer announcer and continued, "Today is the day you make the biggest mistake of your life, Rose, and the consequences will shake the very foundations of the world!"

"Wait, really?" said a skeptical Current-John.

"Yes, really!" said future-John. "For you see, today is the day… you rejected John Egbert's sexual advances!"

"…what." said Rose, unamused.

"Hey man, I appreciate you trying to be your past self's wingman or whatever," said Current-John, "But like, this really isn't necessary, and it's kind of uncool. You're making both of us look like a complete tool, doing this."

"How did you even get here?" interrogated Rose. "Did you borrow Dave's time tables? I'm surprised they even work for you. I was lead to believe the objects with which we manipulated our aspects were ultimately horse shit, and only worked while in the hands of their respective players."

"I'm not just another time traveler, Rose!" said Future-John, continuing with his booming announcer voice. "I have been blessed… and cursed! With the power of a juju!"

"What the hell is a juju?" demanded Current-John.

"It matters not!" continued Future-John. "All that matters is this: I have gained the power to retcon events of the past! No time loops or alternate timelines! And I have chosen to use this power for good!"

"And I suppose, through some asinine contrivance, your presence in the past is intended to avert some nebulous future-catastrophe… by convincing me to sleep with John."

From behind future-John came another ZAP! and the three turned to look at the new arrival. A second future John had appeared in the room, this one dressed in his green Wise Guy Slime Suit.

"I know what you're going to ask," said the new arrival, "Because I remember being here. I'm wearing the green suit so we can easily tell who is who. Also, I forgot that I really kinda liked this outfit."

"It's pretty cool," said Current-John.

"Yeah I kinda missed it," said Future-John. "I wish I'd thought to change my clothes before coming here."

"Yes, your fashion choices clearly seem to be your greatest blunder in this endeavor," said Rose. "I can't even begin to fathom a greater mistake having been made, neither hypothetically or in actuality."

"Anyway," said Green-John, "I've come to deliver a warning!"

"Oh good, I was afraid this wouldn't get any stupider," said Rose rubbing the bridge of her nose.

"If this is about the sex thing," said Current-John, "It really isn't necessary. I think I've… we've… totally killed any chance of that at this point."

"I would like to make it clear," said Rose, "That the chance was zero, started at zero, and then remained at zero. There is no chance to be ruined, because it was never going to happen."

"Did you tell her about the dire consequences?" Green-John asked Future-John.

"I did," said Future-John," but she wouldn't listen."

"You didn't actually say anything at all about these so-called consequences," corrected Rose, "beyond merely saying that there would be some, and that they would be disastrous."

"I was going to!" said Future-John, "But this other me kind of interrupted!"

"When are you even from?" asked Current-John. "And since when can we time travel?"

The other two Johns responded in unison, "It's not time travel."

"Oh," said Rose, "Good. Stereo."

"Anyway," said Future-John, "She's still not interested. I think this is a lost cause."

"Hey!' said Current-John, "I think I might have had a chance if you two numbskulls hadn't butted in and made this whole thing weird!"

"You didn't," said Rose bluntly. "But I suppose, even in a hypothetical scenario where you did have a chance, and I was in fact merely playing coy in an attempt to string you along and delay our inevitable carnal exchange for some fucking reason, then yes, two more of you showing up and pulling whatever this is would have lessened the odds of you finding your way to my bed."

From across the room came a third ZAP!

"Oh my fucking god," said Rose.

A fourth John appeared this one almost totally nude. Wrapped somewhat awkwardly around his waist was a length of pink cloth, which Rose recognized as the pink scarf from her Black Squiddle Dress. The scarf was only able to partly disguise the fact that this new, Naked-John, had a raging erection. He wore no other clothes.

"Okay I know what you're thinking," said Naked-John, "And I'm not here to deliver a dire warning."

"Color me relieved," said Rose.

"I already tried that," said Future-John.

"It didn't work," said Green-John.

"I'm here to save all four of you a lot of time and energy," Naked-John explained. "The three Johns are going to hang around, continuing to pester Rose nonstop until she finally gets so fed up with all this horse shit that she's willing to do anything to make them all go away. The four of you have sex, and it's kind of weird because John, John, and John are not homosexuals and are kind of turned off by the prospect of basically having sex with two other dudes, even though those two are themselves. But it turns out Rose is really into it and in the end she's really glad she went with it even though this is all kind of completely insane."

"I will concede the possibility that everything you're saying strikes of plausibility," said Rose, "But I have to ask what prompted you to bring my scarf along time traveling."

"It's not time travel," said three Johns.

"Wonderfully timed, gentlemen. I'm sure there's no possibility of a fourth or even fifth John chiming in to your growing chorus of chicanery. But, if we may take a moment to address the pink elephant in the room before proceeding even further down this rabbit hole of insanity, please answer the question."

Naked-John looked down at himself, as if noticing his attire – or lack thereof – for the first time. "I thought bringing something of yours back with me would help prove that I'm telling the truth," he said with a shrug.

Rose gestured towards her wardrobe, where an identical scarf was hanging from an open door. "You proved that you interacted, at some point, with an article of clothing that belongs to me. You have also demonstrated a heinous lack of respect for the item, and in doing so inelegantly blasted away any idle curiosity as to your personal endowment, not that any such curiosity was present."

"I think the lady doth protest too much!" said Future-John.

"Man, quit it with the dramatic voice," said Green-John. "You're making us all look dumb."

"Ditto," said Present-John.

In the middle of the room came the sound of a record scratching, and suddenly Rose and the four Johns were facing Dave, decked out in full Knight pajamas.

"Yo Rose," he said, "Just interrupting for a moment to chill with my buddy John for a sec."

"By all means, chill away," said Rose. "I was preparing for the inevitable fifth John to show up and this is a nice alternative."

"Kay." He turned to Current-John, then each of the others in turn, "Sup John. Sup John. Sup John. Sup John."

"…sup?" said Naked-John awkwardly.

"Just wanna let you know, number one, your use of time travel is not cool. You're ripping me the fuck off."

All four Johns interrupted, "It's not time travel."

"Next we'll be asking who’s on first base," mumbled Rose to herself.

"Second," continued Dave, ignoring the interruption, "Doing this future self thing is incredibly lame, even for you. I'm literally embarrassed to know you right now, you don't even understand."

"Hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time!" said Future-John.

"And it worked!" replied Naked-John.

"Just cuz it works doesn't make it cool. Also, just sayin, the other thing that isn't cool is boning my sister. I'm not okay with that."

"Excuse me Dave," said Rose, "I don't want to stomp on your coolness seminar with the four Johns, but who I do or do not have sexual relations with is no business of yours, ecto-brother or not."

"Jesus Christ Rose you don't just go and interrupt a coolness seminar like that, you're going to get us all killed."

"Future-John already tried that angle," said Green-John.

"What." said Dave.

"I think I fucked up," said naked-John. "Before I retconed all of this, Dave showed up for like five seconds, which was only long enough to high five me for managing to get it on with Rose."

Rose frowned at Dave. "Oh really?"

"Oh hey look at that," said Dave, "I have to go now. Funny how time travelers never have any time. I'm a regular Marty Mcfly here. Gotta go shoot lightning at my car or whatever. See ya." And with another record scratch, Dave vanished.

"…see, that's time travel," said Green-John.

"Well as delightful as what I would generously call "this conversation" was for all parties involved, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you gentlemen to leave. The hour grows long and frankly no progress has been made in your campaign to assail Fort Lalonde today."

"I don't understand how I fucked this up," said Naked-John. "All I wanted to do was save some time."

"One day, John, you'll discover that attempting to save time and take shortcuts in the bedroom is a poor way to win a lady's heart."

With a ZAP! Naked-john disappeared, taking his copy of Rose's scarf with him. Green-John stared at the empty space quizzically.

"I don't know why he thought that scarf was a good idea," he said. "That was like… cheesy male stripper tier at best. Rob Schneider wouldn't even try that bit."

"It was shockingly unsexy," said Rose. "And resoundingly classless in a way I've almost come to expect from you, on those days you decide that lame practical jokes are funny and not simply annoying."

Green-John shook his head. "No idea what he was thinking…" and vanished with a ZAP!

"That was kinda mean," said Future-John to Rose.

"You're right, I'm sorry." She said. "I like your sense of humor, John. Even when it's annoying, it's still charming. You're the most charming person I know. I mean that."

"Thanks," he said.

"But not sexy," said Rose. "And it's not you. It's me. I'm just not attracted to you in that way. I hope you understand."

"I guess I'm okay with that," said Future-John, before vanishing with a ZAP! Current-John was now alone in the room with Rose.

"I guess, uh… I'm gonna go to," he said. "I don't have retcon powers or whatever that was, so I'm just gonna… use the door."

"John. Wait," said Rose.

The only remaining John paused, halfway through turning to the leave.

"I'll make you a deal. Whenever and however you end up getting the power that allowed you to do… whatever all that was… promise me you'll never utilize it in such a manner again."

"Okay…" said John, waiting to hear what the other half of the deal was.

"And I don't just mean on me," Rose continued. "Not on anyone else you know, not any girl, not any friend, not any girlfriend. No one else should be subjected to that. If you promise me you'll never use those powers in such a way… then I would be willing to have sex with you, right now."

John paused for a long moment, as the reality of what Rose had just suggested slowly sank in. When it finally finished processing, a huge grin spread across his face, and he raised both fists into the air triumphantly.

"Yes!"