Kissing Booth 5: My Little Sobriety: Apologies are Exercise

>You are Anon
>And you're feeling much, much better than you were earlier today
>After all, your old pal flask buddy is safely ensconced within the confines of your lovely winter coat
>But Anon, how can flask buddy make you feel all good when he's full?
>Not that anyone asked you, but flask buddy is reserved for when Anon is on the go!  After all, Anon is a boyscout level drinker, always prepared for every occasion
>For example, dear sir or madam, when the occasion happens to be "staying in to get shitfaced" Anon has a liquor cabinet full to the brim with alcoholic accoutrements
>You mosey on over to your favorite piece of furniture and fling it wide open
>Hello brandy
>Hello whiskey
>Hello gin and rum and tequila and vodka
>Daddy loves you all
>Your, totally platonic I swear, love for the sauce is broken when you begin to hear voices outside your door
>You gulp
"I guess it's time..."
>You return your attention to your lovelies in the cabinet
"Well girls, it looks like Daddy needs a little extra help today"
>Truth be told, your girls had given you quite a bit of help since you had returned to your house, but this...this was going to be difficult
>You sigh as you reach for the back and grab the grenadine before meandering towards your kitchen
>You can't tell whether the slight wobble in your steps is due to your nervousness or the alcohol...let's just blame that on the nervousness for now, eh, conscious?
>When you had finished that...conversation...with Twilight, you really didn't think you had any reason to be nervous
>So Rainbow Dash was kind of a cunt to you sometimes, you were a big boy, you could take it
>And so you embarrassed her in front of just about the whole town when you kissed her, made her want the tongue, in and around her mouth, and then told that bitch straight up that you were playing her
>Tit for tat, right?
>You open your fridge
>Beer, beer, and more beer
>Seriously, you swore there was food in here at some point...aha! Found it!
>You reach for the back, cringing every time you hear the clinking of glass on glass, hoping you won't cause a beer avalanche, and grab the bottle of cola at the back, gingerly removing it from it's prison
>As you pop the top on both bottles and begin to mix the two delicious liquids in a glass, you huff in disdain
>But nooooo, Rainbow Dash had to get all fucking sensitive all of a sudden and get all "distressed"!
>Whatever that means
>And now you had to apologize to her
>Again, more a small annoyance, just like Dash, and not really a reason to get all nervous
>But then you remember what Twilight had said
>About Ponyville "looking out for it's own" and "being protective" and all that garbage
"Feh"
>You sit at the table and nurse your drink
>That was your sentiment at first, but then you remember the walk from the cafe to the liquor store
>You remember how all the p0nies had stared at you with what you can only imagine was the utmost contempt for your being
>Sure, you were never Ponyville's favorite son, more of a strange, but tolerable uncle
>Yeah..."Crazy Uncle Anon"
>You could live with that just fine
>But now it was like you were some strange lunatic that had invaded their home, and it was clear that they didn't much care for your antics any longer
>You weren't deaf, you could hear their whispers as you had passed them
>"I just knew he was bad news"
>"Can you believe he did that to Rainbow Dash?  Humiliating her like that?"
>"Doesn't surprise me, my cousin got a pet monkey one time, gave it alcohol, the thing went bucking crazy and nearly tore him to pieces"
>Seems word travels fast in small towns
>Almost every p0ny you had passed had given you the stink eye and/or said something nasty
>The realization that the danger Twilight had mentioned was true had made you hurry quickly to the liquor store to get flask buddy all filled up, no matter how much you wanted to hear more about that awesome monkey
>Seriously, a drunk monkey?  Who WOULDN'T want to see that?
>You take another swig of the sweet ambrosia in your glass
>So...it's come to this...
>In order to maintain your...tolerable reputation in this town, i.e. your ability to be employable and not having to worry about being attacked or succumbing to some other dreadful fate, you had to swallow your pride, put on your best smile...
>You drain your glass
>And take a big bite of the steaming shit sandwich that will be heretofore known as "apologizing to Rainbow Dash"
"Great..."
>Playing the game, as it were, was never your strong suit, of course, neither was surviving without a steady income or place to live
>THAT was why you were nervous
>You had to make this right with Dash and hope the word spread around town that you were actually an okay guy who liked to make amends when he fucked up, otherwise...
>As you contemplate getting another drink, the moment comes
>Three brisk, but steady knocks at your front door
>Welp, time to face the music
>You rise quickly from your chair, fight off the sudden blood loss to your dome and walk towards the door, hoping that last Roy Rogers had put enough class and tact into you to give a convincing apology
>A Roy Rogers was a classy drink right?  That shit just had to be FULL of tact
>As you pass by your still open liquor cabinet you turn and point and a finger at your girls
"I hope you appreciate all the shit I do to keep you around"
>The bottles stare back you, unmoving and unspeaking as always
"Ungrateful whores..."
>You close the distance to your front door and take a deep breath
>Okay, class and tact on three
>One
>Two
>Three
>Don't forget to smile!
>Shit, you're already opening the door!
>You finish the movement and throw on the biggest, cheesiest smile you can muster
>Before you stand 6 multicolored p0nies, all bearing varying looks ranging from idle curiosity, to skeptical anger, to absolute frothing rage
>Guess who has the last one
>Holy crap, did they all need to be here for this?
>Oh god, they're staring at you, you're supposed to say something
"Hey, girls!  What brings you here?!"
>Keep it together...
>Twilight, standing in front of the lot, raises a brow at you
>"I would assume you would know why we're here.  This was your idea after all"
>Yes, but it WASN'T your idea to bring the whole fucking gang to witness your humiliating display of lying through your teeth that you were honestly apologetic
>Class and tact, Anon, class and tact
>The pink poster child for ADHD speaks up
>"Wow!  Look at that smile!  I bet Anon is super duper psyched to make everything right, huh Rainbow Dash?"
>Dash doesn't answer, the same broiling rage is maintained on her visage
>Rarity sniffs the air
>"Goodness, Anonymous, how much have you had to drink today?  I can smell the alcohol from here...wait, is that grenadine?"
"Ummmm, yes?"
>Annnnnd bourbon and beer and rum and a small amount of everything else in your aforementioned favorite piece of furniture
>She smiles a little
>"Well, I for one think it's nice to find your, shall we say, 'benders', are becoming at least a little more classy"
>Oh, Roy, don't ever let me go, you stud, you
>"Still"
>Twilight interjects
>"You seem to have had a bit...much.  Perhaps we should come back at a later time?"
>The disappointment in her face is evident
"No, no, no!  That won't be necessary!"
>You wanted to get this out of the way, pronto
"Look, I'm sorry if I may seem a tad, er, inebriated..."
>"What are you talking about?!"  Fucking Pinkie again...
>"I've never seen you smile that big and bright since you came here!  Keep it up, Anny!"
>Oh, right, your cheesy smile was still plastered on your face
>Twilight gives a look and mouths
>"Lose the smile"
>You comply
>"Awwwww"  Pinkie deflates
"But"
>You continue
"I'm afraid I couldn't help myself"
>You turn to look at Dash, still giving you a "I hope you catch on fire" look
"After this morning...I felt really terrible about what I had done.  I must confess that in my weakness I turned to the embrace of the bottle, trying to solve my problems by drowning them in drink"
>You face Twilight
"But it took a good friend's advice to show me that that isn't the way to properly deal with such a problem"
>She smiles warmly at you and you turn back to face Rainbow
"No, the way to solve this kind of problem is go to straight to the source"
>You tentatively take a few steps toward her, hoping she won't A) Run off or B) Punch you
>A) is preferable, by the way to any deities listening
>Dash hovers in place, forelegs crossed, still regarding you as scum, but her hatred doesn't seem to be as vitriolic as before
>Now or never, Anon
"Rainbow Dash, what I did today was inexcusable.  I know you and I have had our differences in the past, but that doesn't give me the right to toy with you or humiliate you in front of your friends and fellow townsfolk.  I come to you now to sincerely apologize for my actions and to ask for your forgiveness, that we may all try to put these events behind us and move on"
>god DAMN, Roy Rogers is a miracle worker
>You give Dash a smile and extend your hand
"Whaddya say?"
>She looks at your hand, then your face
>"Just like that, huh?"
>What?
"Uhm, well yes..."
>"You expect me to believe that you just SUDDENLY figured out that you sorry and that now you want both of us to just get over all this?!"
>Shit, shit, shit she knows you really don't mean it!
>Okay, calm down, she doesn't know anything, just stay in character
>Let's see, say something nice and neutral
"Oh, I'm sorry.  Did my heart felt fucking apology confuse you or something?  Because, yeah, that's what I'm fucking going for here!  Both of us forget this shit and just move on!  Is that too much for you to figure out?"
>GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, that wasn't classy or tactful at all!
>Fuck you, Roy Rogers, I trusted you!
>The p0nies gasp, Twilight groans, and Dash flies a few feet back from you
>"You gotta lotta nerve saying that shit to me!"
>You lose it
"No, YOU gotta lotta fucking nerve being mad at ME!  Day in and day out all you do is call me names when I've been nothing but congenial to you!  'Monkey boy', 'Ape', hell you even called me a 'Shit-flinger'!  Do you know what that does after a while?!  Do you know how that starts to hurt someone's feelings and shit?!  Or do you even care about other people's feelings at all?!  Face it Rainbow Dash, you're nothing but a goddamn bully and I...I..."
>Dash is back to staring daggers at you, she's practically shaking with rage
>Your mention of the word "bully" seems to have really got to her, her eyes are starting to water up
"And I...still fucked up..."
>Dash stops shaking, she wipes her eyes quickly and goes back to glaring at you
>You relax your tense body and sigh, lowering your eyes to the grass under your feet
"Look, Dash, no matter how much I dislike you, no matter how much I think you're a terrible pers...p0ny...that doesn't give me the right to do what I did"
>You return your gaze to hers, she's also relaxed herself, her eyes are dry but it looks like that could change any minute now
"I took it way too far, I played with your emotions, and I made a complete ass out of my self doing it...I don't know if I deserve your forgiveness, just like I don't know if you deserve mine for being so rude"
>Dash sniffs and wipes her nose a little
"But I think that we should at least try.  Let's bury this stupid hatchet already and just try to at least tolerate each other, eh?"
>Was this still acting?  Or had that dick Roy Rogers abandoned you to your doom?  You really couldn't say
>Dash finally speaks
>"Do you really mean that, Anon?"
"I do"
>She thinks silently for a moment
>The she takes another moment, and another to think
>"Well...then I guess I'm sorry too...I know I'm not always the easiest to deal with..."
>She shakes her head
"No.  No excuses"
>Dash looks you right in the eye
>"I was a total dick to you, Anon.  Plain and simple.  You're right, I shouldn't have been so mean to you just because..."
>Her eyes widen and she freezes
"Because what?"
>"It's...not really important"
>Sniff.  Hoof-wipe.
>"What IS important is that I think both of us are still a little sore about this whole thing...and I think that before either of us can truly accept each others' apologies...there needs to be some fence mending"
>You raise a brow
"Okaaayyy, what did you have in mind?"
>Rainbow Dash looks at you.  Intensely.  She moves her gaze from your face to your shoulders, your legs, your arms, she flies around behind you and hovers there for a few seconds before returning to her place in front of you
>The whole experience makes you a little uneasy and leaves you feeling objectified
>"Hmmm.  Who are you working for these days?"
>You had had several different bosses in your time here in Equestria.  To the p0nies, you were something of a Renaissance man
>Instead of having a special talent like the lot of them, you had many, slightly less than special talents, which thankfully broadened your employment potential
>Unfortunately, it also meant that you weren't able to do things as superbly well as they could, which meant you were usually brought on as extra help when it was needed
>When it wasn't needed, it was time to look for another job
>Such is the life of a jack of all trades but master of none, so it seems
>This time of year, however...
>"That'd be me, sugercube"
>Applejack was your boss for the time being.  Applebucking season was in full swing and she needed all the help she could get, hired or non
>You preferred to be considered "hired"
>Rainbow flies over to orange p0ny and whispers a string of sentences in her ear
>Applejack pulls away suddenly, giving her friend an incredulous look
>"Really?"
>Dash pulls her back in to the two-p0ny huddle and continues whispering
>Applejack twists up her mouth and regards you carefully
>Oh, god, what in the world kind of scheme is Rainbow Dash concocting
>You hope her little "mend fences" plan doesn't involve any kind of ridiculous servant arrangement
>Or worse, she could be talking AJ into making you do some really weird stuff
>Butt stuff
>You shudder
>AJ sighs
>"Well, normally, Ah'd say no to this sort of thing, but considerin' the circumstances, I guess ya'll have mah blessin'"
>Blessing?  Blessing for what?!
>Rainbow thanks Applejack before returning to you, landing with a triumphant grin on her face
>"So, Anon...do you REALLY think we can work to put all of our problems behind us and try to get along?"
>You gulp, what the fuck are you agreeing to here?
"That is what I said, didn't I?"
>Alcohol is a cruel mistress, making you say shit before thinking like that
>"Yep, you certainly did.  Well, I think so too.  That's why I just asked AJ to let you get off work for the next month so we can spend some...quality time together"
>What
>What the fuck
"You can't be..."
>"I am" she states smiling proudly at her self
>She flies up and gets right in your face
>"Just think, Anon, for a whole month, you and I, are going to be..."
>She can't mean this, she can't fucking be about to say what you think she's about to say
>I mean, shit, you were a good kisser, she knew that now, but THIS?  Fuck this, if she thinks just can just up and ask you to be...
>"Workout buddies!"
>Oh, that...really wasn't what you were thinking she was going to say
>"From dawn until dusk, we'll hit the gym, the track"
>She turns to face Applejack again
>"And maybe even the apple orchards if get some time"
>AJ nods
>"That'd be much appreciated, ya'll"
>Rainbow whips back around toward your shocked mug
>"Well, whaddya say, big guy?"
>You shake your head
>Nope, still got that crazy in your ear
>You shake a few more times
>"Is, uh, is that a yes or a no?"
"Dash...what...WHY?!"
>She shrugs
>"Why not?  You seem like a strong dude, and I've spotted you heading to the gym on occasion"
>She laughs
>"Of course that might only be because it's on the way to the bar"
>Dash waits for you to interject, but your stunned visage is all she gets
>"Anyway, the way I see it, our...differences happened because I, uh, didn't really know you very well.  And well, If we, you know, worked out together a bunch, we, ummm, might learn to...well, you know what I mean"
>You can't help but notice that that last bit from her seemed a little off, like she was unsure about something...or perhaps lying
"So let me get this straight.  I workout with you for a month and then you accept my apology and we go straight to not being mortal enemies"
>"That's the plan!"  she states, exuberantly
"But...what about YOUR end?  What about the part where you make it up to me?"
>"Oh, I thought about that!  You see, I figured that without you having your job for a month, you might not want to take me up on this.  So, as MY part of the bargain, I agree to pay your salary!  You know, the one you would've been getting if you were still working for Applejack"
>You rub your chin, thoughtfully
>Well, that IS rather decent of her
>"You get to spend a month just straight up exercising, with the Dash I might add..."
>She puffs out her chest proudly at that
>"You get in shape and you get paid for it!  You can't lose, dude!"
"You know I could just work at Sweet Apple Acres, I get in pretty good shape there"
>"Pssh, not like you'd get hanging with me.  Trust me, by the end of this month, you'll be one lean, mean, flank-kicking machine!  And besides..."
>She leans in a little, whispering now
>"How boring are apples?  Seriously?"
>She had you there
>Working the farm had not been your first choice for employment
>You turn to pace back and forth, continuing your thoughtful chin rubbing
"Well...what the hell...you've got a deal!"
>You extend your hand once again and this time she grabs (hoofs?) it and shakes hard
>"Awesome!  You won't regret this!"
>You hear a noise that sounds like a combination of a cannon and a party favor
>Pinkie's stupid fucking party cannon, what else
>"Wheeee!!  Everyp0nys' friends again! (Gasp) Do you guys know what this calls for?"
>Dash sighs and answers flatly
>"Let me guess, a party?"
>"Whoa!  Did Anon's kiss make you psychic or something?  Because you totally just read my mind!"
>Dash pulls her hoof back away from you at being reminded of the incident
>You should probably break the tension
"Well, you certainly read my mind, Pinkie!  Let's hit the bar, drinks are on Anon!"
>Hell yeah, you're back, baby.  This could all go potentially...
>"NO!"
>Dash's outburst makes you take a few steps back
"No?"
>She fixes you with a stern glare
>"I'm really sorry, Anon, but...one of the things I need you to do over the next month..."
>Oh, fuck
>"Is to not drink.  Like, at all"
>Ooooh, I'm sorry, that was not the correct answer.  But thanks anyway for playing contestant, let's see what you've won
"Welp, if that's the case, I'll see your ass later.  No deal, Dash"
>You turn to head back inside your house
>"Aw, come on, please?  It's just a month!"
>JUST a month
>JUST a month without flask buddy?
>JUST a month without your lovely ladies to keep you company?
>Yeah, no deal indeed
"Sorry, kiddo, them's the breaks.  No alcohol means no Anon being on board"
>You continue your short trek away from these colorful equines who would dare to deprive you of your sweet nectar when Rarity calls out to you
>"Wait just a moment, Anonymous!  Do not go through that door!"
>You turn around
"I thought I made myself clear!"
>"Now hold on, darling.  Let's not do anything rash...just, what if..."
>Her face contorts in thought before lighting up with a smile
>"Idea!  What if Rainbow were to sweeten the pot a bit, as it were?"
>Any pot sweetening without alcohol seems pretty lame to you
>"What if instead of the full month, you two only work out for two weeks?  After that, you can go back to your, ahem, lifestyle"
>Then under her breath
>"If you wish to call it that"
>"Yeah!  Two weeks!"
>Dash chimes in
>"And I'll still pay you what you would have made for the full month!  I promise!"
>It seems it's Twilight's turn to address you now
>"That seems like a reasonable, offer Anonymous.  I mean, would it really kill you to not drink for just two measly weeks?"
>What a stupid question from such a smart p0ny
"Yes!  Yes it would!"
>"Anon, don't say that now"
>Applejack this time
>"We all see what you do to yerself, and Ah think Ah can speak fer all of us, when Ah say that Ah sometimes wonder if quittin' fer a spell would really do you some good"
>Seriously?  Is this all just some elaborate scheme to orchestrate an intervention?
>Before you can ask, Rainbow flies in close to your face again
>"Please, Anon?  Just two weeks?  Just give me that much time to..."
>Her face falls
>"To, you know, figure you out...and stuff"
>Her eyes seem to plead with you as they stare into yours
>You find yourself strangely transfixed by their gaze
>You don't think you've ever seen a prettier pair...
>You shake your head
>Fucking booze is talking again
>Well shit, it IS just two weeks
>Considering the span of your life, two weeks isn't THAT long, you guess
>And you get paid, get in shape, you and Dash work your differences out, the townsfolk hopefully stop hating you and you get on with your drinking after that
>You hate to admit it, but this deal really is coming up Anon
>Defeated, you sigh deeply
"Okay...I'll do it..."
>"Yes!  I knew you'd come around!  Don't worry, dude!  We'll be so busy busting our rumps, you won't even have time to think of drinking!"
"I doubt that very much" you reply critically
>Dash's gaze narrows, a sly smile spreads across her face
>"Don't test me, Anon.  If you're not careful, I might take that as a challenge"
"Take it however you want, I'm still not happy about this"
>"Well get over it, softie"
>She pokes your belly with a hoof
>"I'm going to head home and write up a workout plan for us.  Catch you tomorrow, Anon!"
>And like that, she's gone in a Rainbow-tailed flash
>As soon as she's gone, Twilight suddenly jumps up and hugs your midsection
"Whoa there, little p0ny!  What's all this about?"
>She removes her face from your abdomen and turns to look at you
>"Oh, I'm guess I'm just proud of you is all.  Smoothing things out with Rainbow Dash AND giving up the booze for two weeks?  That's quite a feat"
>She breaks the hug and plops her fore-hooves back on solid ground
>"See?  That wasn't so hard was it?"
>Before you can answer, she's called out to Applejack to help her remove, whimper, your alcohol supply from your house
>It hurts to watch it all go
>What makes matters worse is the whole process takes a while,  AJ is finally forced to run back to the farm to grab a cart to transport it all while Twilight and Rarity telekinetic-ally place your lovely ladies in the cart
>Pinkie and Fluttershy lend their aid as well
>When the horrific deed is finally done, as you wave good bye to your sweet, sweet companions, Twilight turns to face you
"Well...I guess that's that..."
>"Not quite, Anon"
>She stares at you shrewdly
"What?  You got it all"
>"I said 'not quite'"
>She tugs at your jacket with her magic
"Oh, come on!  Not flask buddy!"
>"Not what?  What did you call it?"
>You sigh and remove your bestest friend in the whole wide world from your coat pocket
"Nothing..."
>Twilight's smile returns and she snatches the flask from your outstretched hand
>"Thank you, Anonymous" she giggles
"Yeah, yeah, I bet you're just loving this"
>You turn to look at the direction Rainbow flew off in
"What an odd stipulation...I mean, I know I drink a lot, but why did Dash have to make sobriety part of the agreement?"
>Twilight, Pinkie, and Rarity just shrug
>Beats them
>As they trot off, one p0ny remains for a second
>Fluttershy, of course
>She had been quiet during the entire proceeding
>Typical, but still, she usually found at least SOMETHING to say during these emotional moments
>She stares up at you, unsure and full of doubt
"Something you'd like to say?"
>"Uhmm..."
>She begins, thinks for a moment, opens her mouth, then closes it again
>"It's nothing, Anonymous.  I'm just proud of you is all"
>You give her a warm smile and ruffle her mane
>"Thanks, Flutters"
>She returns your smile and then opts to leave
>You don't know it yet, but Fluttershy knows the exact reason why Rainbow Dash wanted you to quit drinking
>She knows exactly why...but she also knows why she can never, ever tell you

End of Chapter 5