joke story - Owlanon

from /hhg/ Helluva Hotel general #NaN
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Note: This isn't canon

>Clink, clink
>Someone broke in?!
>Anon shoots up to his feet, luckily fully dressed and ready to face the invader
>Is Ock hearing this sht?
>Anon grabs his edge-spear in case the worst comes to pass
>"Hopefully I won't have to use this sht, maybe I can just punch the fucker and make him leave."
>Clink, clink, clink!
>There it is again! Did someone allow this guy to move in without telling me or something?
>Anon silently struts down the hallway, placing all attention to his senses
>"I swear to Satan if it's that homewrecking fk again-"
>A scarily similar voice echoes through the hallway
>"Where did he put my fruit punch? For the love of the nine circles..."
>But that's not Blitzo's
>Someone actually broke in!
>Getting a closer look, Anon sees an avian figure standing in front of the fridge
>He could go for the chili peppers
>THAT'S NOT HAPPENING
>With a whisper, Anon activates his edge-spear
>"Zaštiti me."
>Sepharim flows through the weapon, seeping with pure angelic energy
>Anon points his spear to the owl
>"Don't fking move."
>Owlnon spins around to see what low-life assassin could be threatening him this time
>A very humanoid sinner, holding what looked to be angelic weaponry
>This is serious!
>Owlnon's red eyes shine with an increasing glow
>"Same goes for you."
>Serious tension hangs in the air as the two Anons glare daggers into each other for a moment
>Anon is the first to speak
>"What's your name?"
>"I'm not telling you that. You broke into my manor."
>"What are you talking about? I live here!"
>"Bullsht!"
>Damn, this is going to be difficult
>"Gratias tibi"
>The edge-spear's white aura fades into the air as Anon puts it away
>Seems like intimidation is going to get us nowhere
>"My name is Anonymous Goetia."
>"That's-"
"I'm their adopted son, and I am 17 years old. I have a father named Stolas, a mother named Stella, a homewrecker named Blitzo, and a sister named Octavia. Now you."
(1/3)
-
>Owlnon gives the young man a deadpan stare, bullsht detectors going off the charts
>"Right, and I'm Solomon, King of Israel."
>"Just kidding, that's my name dipsht. What's your real name?"
>"That is my real name!"
>Owlnon's eyes glow even more, and Anon slowly holds his hands up in the air
>"Stop lying before I petrify you and throw you off the roof!"
>"I'm telling you the honest-to-God truth."
>"...What's Tavi's favorite band?"
>Hopefully he means Ock
>"Fk You Dad."
>"What does mother do when she's mad at father?"
>stockglassbreaksoundeffect.mp3
>"Breaks stuff like a Hellhound in a China store."
>An unusual discomfort crawls up Owlnon's back
>"Does anyone else live here?"
>"Imp servants. Mom throws them around like objects, but I try my best to help them when I can."
>Both stay still for the longest minute of their life
>They slowly come to their senses and release the tension as their defensive stances turn into relaxed ones
>"That's- how-"
>Neither Anon can form a coherent sentence
>Now they stare into the floor, eyes darting with insecurity
>Finally, Anon speaks up
>"You didn't take my carolina reapers, right?"
>"Uh, no."
>Owlnon slowly points towards his room, ready to wake up from this nightmare
>"I'll see myself out."
>Owlnon is about to open his room door before Anon interrupts
>"Uh, excuse me, that's my room."
>"..You know what?"
>Owlnon's eyes begin to glow once again
>He clenches Anon by the neck, holding him against the wall
>"I'm going to need for you to shut up."
>"It'll be a one sided conversation otherwise"
>Anon suddenly notices Owlnon's incredibly feminine features
>"Uh-"
>Anon realizes he can't move his body, as if his brain and body severed
>"Must you keep yapping? If you do so I just might have my way with you, fool."
>Owlnon brings Anon to the floor, eyes shining with a sudden lust, hand still over his neck
>"Ack! I won't get rped by my-my own clone!"
>"Now neither of us will be virgins."
(2/3)
-
>"Now, 'Anon' I'm not going to live with an imposter among us."
>"So, I'm going to use you as my toy instead. If you try to escape, you're stone. Got it?"
>Anon nods, pretending to agree
>Like hell I'm letting this horndog rpe me
>Just when Owlnon is about to finish stripping, Anon holds him by his hair and forces his eyes shut
>"What th-"
>"Yeah, sorry pal. I'm not gonna deal with that gay sht."
>"OWOWOWOWOWOW-"
>A wicked smile from Anon
>"You're going to the hrny box"
>"The WHAT?!"
>Opening the occluded door, Anon steps inside still holding Owlnon by his eyes and hair
>"Stop this at once! I will not hesitate to place your head on a platter!"
>"Quiet, bird pus."
>Anon throws Owlnon into an inflatable pool, with 'HRNY BOX' crudely written on with marker
>Owlnon opens his eyes, taking in the sight of the Horny Box as well as a powered hose in Anon's hands
>"WAIT, NO!"
>"Too late."
>Anon sprays Owlnon with the hose on maximum power, with him sputtering as every inch of his body is getting soaked
>Anon can only grin at the sight
>"Fg."
(3/3)