In Search Of...

Fortune, September 17, 2012; 16:44 / FB 5000
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IN SEARCH OF...
(starring John C. Reilly)

>Be Sasquatch.
>That's right, the legendary missing link that wanders around the Pacific Northwest.
>You've got a good thing going for you.
>Plenty of space, plenty of food, and best of all, few even know of your actual existence (which ties into the plenty of food bit).
>You spend your days wandering around the forest, enjoying nature as best as you can, and occasionally playing the drums with two stoners.
>Life is good for a semi-mythological creature.
>You're wandering around the forest, as is your want, one day when you stumble upon something you've never seen before.
>Little, fluffy, multi-colored creatures who have made a home within your forest.
>Contrary to some belief, you are a peaceful creature.
>You just observe.
>After all, if they don't bother you, you won't bother them.
>If they are belligerent, well...
>You do wonder what they taste like.
>You hide in the bushes and observe.
>There's around 1, 2, 3...6 of them.
>One is obviously dominant.
>He stands watch over the group as some run around and others just lay in the shade.
>You didn't notice at first, but it looks like one has tiny versions near it.
>Must be a mother with children.
>You nod in approval.
>These things aren't causing any harm to your forest, so there's no need to reveal your presence or bother them.
>Life goes on, just as it has for you for the best couple of millenia (There has only ever been one Sasquatch...).
>You sit and observe, picking berries out of the bush to snack on.
>These creatures are quite entertaining.
>To your surprise, it appears that the creatures are able to speak like humans.
>Hmmm.
>Interesting.
>You understand the language of the forest creatures, but you've never heard another creature speak like the humans do.
>"Dis gud pwace Smawty! Dat why yu Smawty!" one of them, a light blue one, says to the dominant one watching over the group.
>The leader, or Smawty as they call him, just nods.
>"Saf' hewe. Nu munstas, nu meanies, jus' nummies 'n' pway pwaces. Dis gud pwace." he replies.
>You agree.
>Your attention turns to the female with children.
>"Dwink up Babbehs! Gwow inta big 'n' stwong Fwuffies!" she coos to them.
>Fwuffies.
>So that's what they're called.
>You've never encountered anything like them before.
>You sit and watch them play until the sun starts to set.
>The Smawty begins yelling out orders.
>"Gwowy ting go dow'! Iz sweepy-timez! Nu pway, nu huggsies, iz sweepy-timez! Inta shadey-pwaces!"
>The rest listen and fall into line.
>It's about time you get back to your cave as well.
>But these things are so fascinating.
>You'll have to return tomorrow.
>When you've made sure they're all alseep (all are curled into a massive pile of fluff), you leave a few berries in front of their sleeping place.
>It's a gift to let them know that no harm will come to them.
>Not while they're in your forest.
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>Before the sun rises the next day, you make your way back to your hiding place from yesterday.
>You want to see how they react to your gift.
>The Smawty is the first to awaken.
>He shouts "Gwowy ting up! Aww Fwuffies wise 'n' shin'! Iz nyu day! Iz time fo' pway!"
>It's the final word that rouses everyone else.
>All of them babble "Pway?" as they come loose from their "fluffpile".
>One of the children walks away and goes up to your pile of berries.
>It sniffs it and tries to take a bite, when it's mother rushes forward.
>"Nu Babbeh! Dun eat nummies! Nu can hav' big Fwuffy nummies! Onwy miwkies!"
>This calls the attention of the Smawty.
>He walks over and sniffs the pile himself.
>Then he takes a berry and eats it.
>He smiles happily.
>You're pleased as well.
>"Dun kno' whewe nummies cam' fwom, bu' dey gud nummies. Eat up Fwuffies! Mo' time fo' pway nao! Nu nee' ta fin' nummies nao!"
>A cheer erupts from the others.
>You're incredibly happy.
>You might have to do this again tomorrow.
>But their happiness is broken by footsteps.
>Footsteps you know all too well.
>"Told you if we followed the smell we'd find them!"
>"Yeah, yeah. Whatever."
>Humans.
>And from the smell on them, not pleasant ones.
>You've met many decent humans over the course of your long life.
>You even let them film you once in 1968.
>But you've also encountered many less than good ones as well.
>And they made for some very good meals.
>You don't want to reveal your presence yet, so you sit on ready.
>The Smawty approaches the first human, puffing his cheeks out.
>You've seen animals do that to try and look intimidating.
>It almost never works.
>"Go 'way! Dis Fwuffy wand! Dum hoomans nu wewcum!"
>That's answered by a swift kick to the face.
>You almost rise out of the bushes then and there, but still you wait.
>"Dumb little fucker." one of the humans says "They just never know that that phrase translates to: 'Pwease howwibwy kiww me 'n' aww mah famiwy!'. Ha!"
>"I know, right?" the other one snickers "Welp, let's get to it."
>They start to approach the mother who is trying to hide her children in her fluff.
>"Nu! Go 'way! Nu tak' Babbehs! Babbehs too wittwe! Babbehs nee' Mummah!"
>The first human ignores her and picks one up by it's tail.
>That's painful for any creature and the child cannot stop crying.
>"Decent coloration. Might make a few bucks. The others not so much. Don't need them!"
>The second turns to face the first.
>"Stompy paste game, then?"
>"Stompy paste game, then." the first says with a nod.
>An evil smile crosses the face of the second and he begins to move towards the mother and children, closer and closer, stamping his feet as he does.
>You no longer can abide by this.
>With a roar, you leap from the bushes and jump down in front of them.
>To say that they are taken aback would be the understatement of the entirity of the history of this world.
>"Dude, is that...?"
>"Holy shit! It's fucking Bigfoot! Holy fucking..."
>He doesn't get another word out, as you send him flying into a tree.
>The remaining one nervously attempts to pull out a knife, but a straight roar to his face stops him and turns his face pure white.
>"S-sorry Mr. Foot. We didn't mean to do anything. Honest!"
>You probably would have let him go if you didn't hear the crying of the child in his pocket.
>You growl and point to it.
>He's frightened.
>Good.
>"What? My pocket? There's nothing..."
>Another roar shuts him up.
>You hold out your palm and he nervously places the child in it.
>The child is still crying.
>You stroke it's fur with your other finger and roar once more.
>The human flees, grabbing his thrown companion and together they exit the clearing.
>The Fwuffies are frightened.
>They've all huddled together in safety, hugging each other, but giving most of the hugs to the Smawty and the mother.
>You walk closer, petting the child in your hand.
>You crouch down and place the child on the grass and let it run back to it's family.
>They welcome it back with hugs, but they are still afraid of you.
>You can't quite vocalize your intentions, but with a leap, you pull down a branch that's filled with berries and nuts and place it before the group.
>The Smawty comes closer and sniffs it.
>"Big munsta...gif nummies? Mystewy nummies wuz big munsta?"
>Guess he figured out that you had left the pile of berries the night before.
>You nod and smile.
>He rushes up and hugs you, causing the rest of the group to gather around your long legs.
>"Tank yu munsta! Yu sav' Babbeh! Yu hewp Fwuffies! Nn scawy munsta! Am fwiend!"
>Fwiend.
>He must mean friend.
>You crouch down and pet them as they continue to hug you.
>This is your forest and you take care of all things in it.
>Life is good.

END