notkickass222urmom

LtD 44-49

Apr 18th, 2014
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  1. >>Chapter 44 & 45 -Part 1
  2. Chapter 44 was just a preview of chapter 45, because Kickass222urmom couldn’t get it done in time, and he just didn’t want to deprive his readers from the fascinating conclusion of this crossover arc.
  3. > Living their dream crossover: Part 2
  4. I insist. What was the point of naming these chapters “Living the Dream”? Is it to indicate that it’s a crossover? If that’s the case, wouldn’t it be better to name it as the ‘other’ story? The one you are crossing over?
  5. > "We've been to your house and Fluttershy's. Where are we going now?"
  6. Wherever the writer feels like taking us. There is not really a reason for this crossover, after all. You don’t have a mission or anything of the sort here. This whole thing is pretty damn pointless.
  7. >"Well, we can go to Sweet Apple Acres."
  8. Might as well do so. Is this chapter going to be a tour through Ponyville?
  9. >"Alright." I unfolded my wings, "Race you there."
  10. Yes, please. Get this over with as soon as possible.
  11. > I held up a hoof, stopping him, and said, "First, some rules; no human form, no weird alien technology, no powers, and no cheating."
  12. Because all those others don’t count as cheating.
  13. > I shot ahead at a break neck speed. I wasn't going to lose this time.
  14. Why is he racing through the town? He is going to get hurt, or actually worrying, he can hurt someone else.
  15. > I saw a cart being pushed by an old pony and yelled, "Get out of the way!" Well, the pony jumped out of the way, but they left the cart in the street. I slammed into it and burst through it.
  16. Toldja.
  17. >I swayed in the air, dazed. That wood hurts!
  18. You just destroyed an old man’s cart, who knows what he had inside. Damn you, Lance.
  19. > I looked up to see Omnius, smirking. "Beat ya Lance." "No, I beat you. There's no way you could have gotten here before me."
  20. It would take some sort of explanation only found in bad writing
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  24. >>Chapter 44 & 45 -Part 2
  25. > He smirked, "You said no powers. You didn't say anything about magic."
  26. He clearly said “no cheating”, douche.
  27. > “I became a unicorn when you weren't looking," he said pointing to a horn pointing out of his head.
  28. Congratulations, Omnius. You have won the award for most stupidly overpowered OC ever.
  29. > I nodded, "Sounds good to me. Lead the Mr. Roboto!"
  30. How is that related to anything that just happened? Is any of you an automaton doing menial tasks over and over and helped the other escape? Did I somehow miss a chapter of this?
  31. > I trotted down the path, wondering if what I suspected was true. Wait, you didn't see my thought process because you were looking at Lance's thoughts, right? I should explain what I was thinking then.
  32. I’ll be honest with you. I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t enjoy my anger. I just want to see Omnius get written out of this story. I am sick of his fourth wall shenanigans.
  33. > If the Timber Wolves were out and about in the forest, does that mean that they're headed towards the farm?
  34. You entered the forest; you found one timberwolf, who you admitted was just a young one, and then you assume that they’re headed towards Sweet Apple Acres?
  35. > Just because I Travel through Time, Space, and Matter, it doesn't mean I understand it!
  36. I somehow don’t have problems believing that.
  37. > I grinned, glad that this was still as I remembered it in all four worlds
  38. Didn’t you say that there were three?
  39. >(yeah, a fourth one revealed itself to my memory. As if things weren't conflicting enough as it is)
  40. Of course. I wonder if that will end up having any meaning, but I’ll assume it won’t.
  41. >"Well Howdy Lance! It sure is good to see ya again! Who's yer friend?" "The irony of that statement,"
  42. How is that ironic at all? Did you expect her to react in any other way?
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  46. >>Chapter 44 & 45 -Part 3
  47. > We ended up staying for a couple of hours, just chatting about random things in general, and thankfully, no sudden animal disappearances
  48. So… There was no purpose for coming here besides just making Applejack appear?
  49. > I can't say the same thing about the voices in my head though. "Hello? Traveler, can you hear me?"
  50. “Kill them, Omnius. Kill them all.”
  51. >"Princess Celestia, I presume?" The presence in my head seemed to smile, and answered, "Yes. I am sorry to trouble you, but I need to speak with you, here, in Canterlot."
  52. Well, Omnius seems to be the single most powerful thing ever. So it makes sense for Celestia to see him. I guess…
  53. >"Wait, you work for the Princess?" "Um…yeah, I'm the, uh, Royal…Ooh! I'm the Royal Traveler!"
  54. Disregard the fact that what I just said makes no sense.
  55. > "Quiet you!" I repeated, smiling. "Technically, I do work for the Princesses! Anyways, I just heard Celestia in my head,"
  56. And this shouldn’t be a sign of worry.
  57. >"Let's break wind!" I laughed, and said, "Lance, keep up that humor, and we'll get along just fine!"
  58. Ok, I’ve got to ask. Does anyone know what he’s referencing half the time? Because I am drawing blanks here.
  59. > As soon as we hit Canterlot, we stopped in front of the gates to the Royal Palace…place. Damn it, I forgot what it's called!
  60. Isn’t it named The Royal Palace?
  61. > As we entered the palace, Omnius turned to me, "I'm going to talk to the Princess, alone. Uhhh, meet me here... I guess when ever you think I'm done."
  62. Wouldn’t make more sense for Omnius to look for Lance once he’s done?
  63. >"Alright, you better not leave." He chuckled, "I won't." He then began to walk up the large stairs.
  64. I don’t think I’ve mentioned this, but this guy sucks at formatting as well. When another character speaks, start a new paragraph, it’s writing 101.
  65. > I looked around, where is Frederic?
  66. Yes. What is the new Prince of Equestria doing?
  67.  
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  70. >>Chapter 44 & 45 -Part 4
  71. > Frederic wasn't there, but I did see somepony that I've been wanting to talk to. Octavia.
  72. I don’t know what’s worse. As much as I don’t want him using background ponies, the alternative is that he introduces more OC’s that he won’t develop.
  73. > I smiled, finally, I get to talk to her.
  74. After all this time, Lance will finally speak to Octavia.
  75. > I jumped up on stage and smiled, "Hey."
  76. You have never seen her; the least you can do is introduce yourself formally.
  77. > I looked at her cello, "What are you doing?"
  78. You don’t know her, why are you being so casual?
  79. >"Now I remember you. You and your band played at your wedding, right?"
  80. How did you know that? Were you invited? Did they know you beforehand? Then why did Lance say that this is the first time you’ll talk?
  81. > “I worked really hard to learn that song. It's very difficult to play."
  82. “I’m just that good, you see?”
  83. > she then looked at me and smiled, "I like your cutie mark. It's exciting and adventurous."
  84. He’s a test dummy. His talent is getting beaten up.
  85. > "I was thinking, what if you and I got together sometime and performed together.”
  86. So, you’re not making this Octavia entirely dedicated to classical music? Because Paralyzer isn’t exactly classical. Though I assume it could make sense
  87. > I almost jumped with excitement at the idea of playing with her, (Keep those dirty thoughts out of your heads!)
  88. Again, nobody wants to have those thoughts, stop forcing them into our heads.
  89. > She clapped her hoofs together, "Excellent! I can't wait!"
  90. Yes, the wait is killing me.
  91. > “Would you mind escorting me to the door?" I smiled brightly, "It would be my pleasure madam."
  92. I have the nagging feeling that they’re going to have an affair. Then again, I don’t think Kickass222urmom would be capable of that.
  93.  
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  95.  
  96. >>Chapter 44 & 45 -Part 5
  97. >"Girokon, but you can call me Giro..." Maybe I can try this, "Or Lance if you want."
  98. I mean, he sounds like the kind of guy that would be entirely devoted to his wife.
  99. >"I like that name, Girokon. Very interesting sounding. Mine is Octavia."
  100. I mean, he got Twilight pregnant and married her. He clearly cares for her.
  101. > I nodded and smiled, "You can call me what ever you want, Miss Octavia."
  102. This fic has taught me not to hope, but I’ll do my best to not believe that Lance will cheat on Twilight.
  103. >"What did the Princess have to talk to you about?" [Omnius] shrugged, "Just about the Rapture and how everyone was spread out all over Equestria. She also told me about Luna's new husband,
  104. Ok, standard information, just what you’d expect Celestia to sa—
  105. >and new God of Good."
  106. Is this implying that Frederic is the God of Good?
  107. >"God of Good?" He smirked, "I'll tell you about them later.
  108. Them? So, it’s not Frederic?
  109. Well, that wraps up the crossover arc, and I have to say I am unimpressed. There doesn’t seem to have been any driving motivation for this arc. Neither Lance nor Omnius wanted to accomplish anything; Omnius’s case is especially frustrating because he came from another dimension for no other reason than to visit. Even if you analyze it as a Slice of Life chapter, it falls short because the characters don’t experiment any growth or form any new relationship, besides the friendship between Lance and Omnius, but they hit it off from the beginning, so there’s nothing to explore there. And worse of all is that, again, nothing ultimately happens. The few things that may be relevant are that Lance is going to play with Octavia and that off-hand mention to the “God of Good” (Gods?) and even then that doesn’t happen until the very end of the second part.
  110. All in all, I expected Kickass222urmom to go all out for a crossover fic that is titled the same way as the story.
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  113.  
  114. >>Chapter 46 - Part 1
  115. > Bonus chapter: The last roundup
  116. Wait. “The Last Roundup” aired in early 2012, and Lance came to Equestria in December. Did he go back in ti—Oh, screw it.
  117. > First off, this is only a bonus chapter. Since its taking so long on the Crossover, I'm going to do a few bonus chapters
  118. This bonus chapter is half as long as the crossover chapters. Seeing that the crossover really amounted to nothing, you could have published these first as part of the story.
  119. > This does not go along with the plot of the story
  120. You mean the plot of the fanfic? The plot of the crossover? Or the plot of the episode? I’m going to take the safe route and say none.
  121. > I held up the right side of the banner, while Rainbow Dash lifted up the other side. Once she had it even with my side, she placed it against the building.
  122. So, this is going to be a retelling of the episode but with Lance thrown in? Well, let’s see how it fares.
  123. > As she neared the support beam, my eyes widened, "Derpy! Wait, don't back into the..." Her flank hit the support beam, somehow knocking it loose. Rainbow Dash's face filled with surprise as she watched the beam fall. I pointed my hooves downward, "Well, hurry!"
  124. Hey, why don’t ‘you’ help out?
  125. >I winced, "Owww, that's gotta hurt."
  126. You were just hovering there doing nothing. If you had the time to turn around and tell Rainbow Dash to do something, you had the time to fly and hold the falling beam. Your talent is getting beaten up, it’d be safer for ‘you’ to enter rather than Dash.
  127. > While she was saying this, I flew down and hoovered above the hole.
  128. […] All three of us fell into the hole, all hitting the ground.
  129. If you were hovering, why did you fell in the hole? When did you land?
  130. Derpy proceeds to crash an additional three times after that.
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  134. >>Chapter 46 - Part 2
  135. > I turned and began walking towards Ponyville, "I got to get to work, see you later everypony."
  136. Oh right, your magical, high paying waiter job. I’m surprised you remember that.
  137. > One week later.
  138. Hopefully this chapter will be devoid of filler.
  139. > I grabbed the last balloon in the bag and began blowing it up. Blowing is hard work. (Dirty minds! Be gone!)
  140. I don’t know how many times Kickass222urmom has written something totally innocuous, worded it to sound “dirty”, and then told us to not think of it as dirty, despite only people who are desperate for sex would do so.
  141. > [Twilight] then quietly closed the door and ran over behind a beam.
  142. I have to wonder, if Twilight was already showing signs of pregnancy before her wedding, she must have been at least three or four months pregnant. By this point she should be nearing the five months, which is approximately half of the length of an equine pregnancy. That being the case, when the hell is she going to start taking precautions about her foal? She’s still as active, if not more, than before she got pregnant.
  143. >"Don't worry Twilight, got my lips all limbered up." Then a few strange noises, which was strange.
  144. Instead of describing things, you use repetition. Which is repetitive.
  145. >"Family and friends, not coming back to Ponyville. Don't worry, will send money soon."
  146. And the plot kicks in, it’s going to be weird reading one of these chapters with an actual plot.
  147. > We all began walking up to the large stadium. Peter was standing next to me, I had insisted he come. Since Rarity was going, he agreed.
  148. Rainbow Dash is coming too. Why didn’t Dave come?
  149. > Twilight looked out the window and smiled, "This is Dodge Junction girls, Applejack is to supposed to have come here after the rodeo ended."
  150. Just for the record, I’m skipping the parts that are lifted straight from the episode with no alteration whatsoever, which is about 75% of the entire chapter.
  151.  
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  153.  
  154. >>Chapter 46 - Part 3
  155. > I opened my mouth to say some more, but was interuppted by somepony yelling, "Lance! We found her, get over here!"
  156. Plot’s calling!
  157. > I walked up and looked around, "Where's AJ?" Twilight turned and smirked, "Don't worry, we have a plan."
  158. Which is the same plan they had in the episode, and they execute it in the same way with no exception whatsoever. Oh, sorry. One exception.
  159. >"What are you five up to?" I raised an eyebrow and counted everypony. There was seven of us, not five. "Hey, me and Peter are here to you know!"
  160. Did he really have to count to know that there were seven of them?
  161. In any case, what was the point of this chapter if you’re just going to retell what happened in the episode and not have Lance or Peter interact in any way? You could remove every instance in which they’re mentioned and not affect the flow of the story.
  162. > Rainbow Dash looked at Pinkie Pie, "It's time to call in the big guns." Pinkie Pie licked up some cherry and smiled.
  163. >I cocked my head, why are they looking at her? Why not me? I think I can be helpful right now.
  164. It’s already been established that you two are not going to contribute to the plot in any meaningful way.
  165. > Pinkie Pie burst through the door followed by the others. Twilight ran past me, "Come on you two!"
  166. There’s less than a thousand words left in this chapter. Whatever you do, if it is you do something, will feel completely tacked on for the purpose of justifying you being featured in the story.
  167. > We chased after them, not able to catch up. But suddenly, they slammed to a stop. Thank god. Me and Peter jumped in [the cart] and slumped down, breathing hard.
  168. You have five mares and two stallions. Clearly the cart should be pulled by two mares, out of who only one of them is a decent flyer.
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  171.  
  172. >>Chapter 46 - Part 4
  173. > Pinkie Pie then slammed into her, sending both of them off the cart.
  174. > Peter jumped up, "Rarity! I'm coming for ya!" And jumped off the cart.
  175. Well done, Peter. You have done something appropriate for a boyfriend to do. Too bad that it still feels superfluous.
  176. > But instead of stopping, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy picked up speed. My eyes widened and I screamed out, "I'm not stupid!" I then jumped off the cart.
  177. Ok, I checked. This episode aired on January 2012. Lance should have seen it, and should have known what would happen here. In fact, he should have been able to prevent anything of this from happening. He should have been able to solve every problem from that point on.
  178. > As I watched them, I saw them jump over the train. I facehoofed, I am stupid.
  179. Did being sent to Equestria somehow wipe your memory from the second season?
  180. > Up ahead, they was all talking to each other. I sighed, time for a friendship moment.
  181. Ok, the sappy feel good moment; if Lance actually has something to say here, it could sort of justify doing this.
  182. > Jump ahead to train ride home (Why? Because you all know what they said, and it will be boring to read.)
  183. What? What!? You’re skipping the one part that could have given Lance a purpose in this chapter? And you’re doing it because it would be boring to read what we’ve already seen in the chapter? How is that different than, say, this entire chapter!?
  184. And what is this? The chapter ends with the same scene with Rarity and Pinkie Pie on the tracks, but with Peter tagging along and not really doing anything? I am not surprised, somehow.
  185. I hate you, Kickass222urmom.
  186.  
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  188.  
  189. >>Chapter 47 - Part 1
  190. > Bonus chapter: The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000
  191. If the last bonus chapter was any indication, prepare to see a watered down version of the episode with OC’s thrown in doing nothing.
  192. > Time for some advertisement
  193. No, it’s not. I am not reading your blog.
  194. > Cider season? What's that suppose to be? "Sounds cool."
  195. Oh! That explains everything! He hasn’t seen the show, that’s why everything is so freaking ass-backwards! When Lance hit his head on the beginning of the story, he fell in a coma. At that point he had only seen a couple of chapters of MLP, so his brain created a scenario in his mind where he went to Equestria. Then, when he was hospitalized, they aired reruns of S1 and S2 and his subconscious began to fuel his fantasy with new material. That’s why everyone is jarringly out of character and he’s the center of the universe. It’s his feeble mind making up a fake fantasy for him to live while he heals.
  196. Yes, that’s my theory and I’m sticking to it.
  197. > I chuckled and galloped after him. David lead me up to Rainbow Dash, who was near the front.
  198. Despite Rainbow Dash being late and not making it to the start of the line as she wanted being the setup for her actions during the episode, here she is near the front. Surely there’s an explanation for that.
  199. > David walked up to her and smiled, "Can I cut in front of you Rainbow Dash?"
  200. I don’t think so, David. She hasn’t had any cider in years, she wouldn’t--
  201. > She smiled back, "Sure you can David."
  202. When you inevitably can’t drink any cider, it will be entirely your fault, Rainbow Dash
  203. > She pointed over her shoulder, "Behind me Lance." I sighed, "Fine." I walked behind her and began to laugh. Damn my dirty mind, making that sound wrong.
  204. How much sex deprived do you have to be before you start seeing innuendo everywhere? Kickass222urmom has been making more and more lame double-entendres with every chapter.
  205.  
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  207.  
  208. >>Chapter 47 - Part 2
  209. > Applejack walked up and smiled the best she could, "Sorry everypony! That's it for today!"
  210. As much as I want to believe he’s actually writing what happens in the episode, I think he just got a transcript.
  211. > I put on a pouting face, "But I want my cider NOW!"
  212. So does everypony else in the line, Lance.
  213. > "And ME!" I chimed in from the back ground. Oh look, I'm a background character now, how nice.
  214. If only you could stay that way.
  215. > Applejack jumped up on the stand and looked at the crowd, "Hold on everypony, we've done our best to improve supply this year.."
  216.  
  217. Kickass, if I wanted to read the banter between Applejack and the thirsty ponies, I’d just watch the episode instead. Why don’t you try to add something new for a change?
  218. > Applejack walked up to us, "What in Equestria is that?" "Your mom!" David replied while laughing.
  219. Or not. Don’t add new things, I’d rather just read the episode transcript.
  220. Also, her parents are dead, you insensitive prick. Even if you didn’t know that, you should have wondered why they’re never around.
  221. > I groaned and facehoofed, please tell me they're not about to sing!
  222. How dare they? Impromptu singing is frowned upon in Equestria.
  223. > They began to sing together again, "We're the world famous Flim Flam brothers. Travelling salesponies nonpareil."
  224. The song happens. However, I do have to give some credit to Kickass, he has finally learned to write the scenario and show the ponies doing actions while they sing.
  225. It only took three fucking attempts.
  226. > She and the other Apple's all went into a huddle up.
  227. See that’s the problem with rewriting an episode from the point of view of someone who doesn’t take part in the plot. You missed the good part, and you have to make do with filler while the protagonists do protagonist things.
  228.  
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  230.  
  231. >>Chapter 47 - Part 3
  232. > I turned to David, "That was awesome!"
  233. > He shrugged, "If you say so. Kinda lame if you ask me."
  234. > I rolled my eyes, "Your not fun. What did you think Rainbow Dash?"
  235. > She smiled happily, "It was awesome!"
  236. > I smiled, "I totally agree with you!"
  237. > David sighed, "Why me?"
  238. Case in point.
  239. And apparently someone told Kickass222urmom that he can use actions to replace “said”. He seems to have stopped listening before he was told not to overuse it.
  240. >"You wouldn't dare." Said angrily.
  241. Good thing we’ve watched the episode, otherwise, we’d be confused as to who is speaking here.
  242. > I turned to Rainbow Dash and smiled, "I can't wait for tomorrow, I'll finally get to taste some cider."
  243. Hey, um, what about the cider Flim and Flam just made? It belongs to the Apples, right? Why did they let them take it?
  244. > Rainbow Dash stepped towards [Dave], "I let you cut in front of me, and you got the last mug of cider!"
  245. Well, it’s not as if he knew how much cider was left, right?
  246. > I stepped forwards next, "And you bought two! You should have been behind me! I would have had my cider, but oh no, you just had to be first and have two!"
  247. Ok, first of all, both of you should have been at the end of the line and got nothing; and Rainbow Dash let David in front of her because that’s how she’s written. Even if David didn’t buy two mugs of cider, then Rainbow Dash would have gotten the next one.
  248. In either scenario Lance wasn’t getting any cider.
  249. >"I can already taste that cider on my lips." I said rubbing my hooves together happily.
  250. How, exactly? You said you’ve never drank cider.
  251.  
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  253.  
  254. >>Chapter 47 - Part 4
  255. > Up at the front, Apple Bloom yelled out, "That's it! Last cup!"
  256. Hey, what’s cider’s shelf life? I know this is unprocessed cider, but I’m sure it’s more than a day. Couldn’t the Apples start making cider in advance? And if they ‘did’ produce cider in advance, and they all ran out on the first day, they somehow managed to make enough cider overnight to sell the next day?
  257. Ok, granted. This is more of a complaint about the episode than the fic, but this made me think about it.
  258. > I also yelled something out, "We've been trolled!"
  259. How, exactly? Did they give you cider that was something else? No, you weren’t given any cider at all. So shut up.
  260. > Applejack propped her self up on the barrel, "You can't sell that cider! That's made from Apple family apples!"
  261. How do you know that? This isn’t necessarily made with the apples they took from the orchard yesterday. And even if it is, my previous point still stands. Why did you let them take it?
  262. > I smirked, "Aww, to bad Dash, looks like you won't be getting any cider. As for me, I'm going to enjoy this nice cup of cider. You jelly Rainbow Dash?" I said as I tilted it up to my mouth.
  263. Aren’t we supposed to like the protagonist of a story? Because I people who are mean just for the sake of being mean normally aren’t likeable.
  264. > I jumped above the crowd, "Quality sucks! Give me cider!"
  265. Replace “cider” with “Living the Dream” and you get the average fimfic comment this has.
  266. > Twilight walked up to Applejack, "Don't worry, Applejack, I know you'll win tomorrow!" She said encouragingly.
  267. Of course she will. Why should this transcript be any different than the episode?
  268. > I walked up to Twilight, "Eh, don't worry, they'll beat them."
  269. She looked at me, "How do you know that for sure?"
  270. You literally just said that they were going to win! Why were ‘you’ so sure?
  271.  
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  273.  
  274. >>Chapter 47 - Part 4
  275. > I shrugged, "Well, its Applejack, she always wins. Uhh, sometimes anyways." I turned and began walking off.
  276. I’ll save you the mystery. He goes to a cloud to sing.
  277. >"I'm on a cloud, oh yes, I'm on a cloud. So fluffy and soft, I could die on a cloud." I sang out as I lay on a cloud that was above Ponyville.
  278. Seriously. And he stays there for a full day, apparently, because the contest is happening right now.
  279. > [David] held up a hoof, "Before you say anything, I must tell you that we are missing the contest."
  280. So, you’re not even going there for moral support? You rather lay on a cloud and sing? What the hell?
  281. > David pointed to the front, "There they are, they're talking to the Mayor." I nodded, "Lets do this thing."
  282. Do what, exactly? Neither Lance or David know that Twilight is asking the Mayor to let them help the Apple Family, they were on the cloud.
  283. > Twilight then walked up to me, "Lance.. err... run around and pick up fallen apples."
  284. So, once again, Lance is not going to affect the plot in any meaningful way? The outcome of the contest is not going to be affected, and it will be the same as in the episode? Meaning that, just as with the crossover, the two bonus chapters had no purpose at all!?
  285. > I shook my head, stay on task Lance! I continued to do my useless job.
  286. Yes, that’s the only think your author deems you worthy of doing.
  287. > We all slumped to the ground. But I made my dramatic, why? Because I could. I stumbled and held a hoof to my forehead, "Oh my, picking up apples almost killed me."
  288. You are really going out of your way to be even more of a douche this chapter, Lance.
  289. >I then did a fake faint, landing on Twilight.
  290. You landed on your pregnant wife? Did this guy ever took a biology lesson in his life?
  291. >"Flim and Flam win!" The Mayor announced. Everypony gasped in surprise.
  292. Unlike anyone who is reading this.
  293.  
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  295.  
  296. >>Chapter 47 - Part 6
  297. > I flew forwards, "You didn't say I couldn't do anything to them!" I said as I prepared to slam into Flim. Suddenly, before I even reached them, my body came to a complete stop. "Oh no you don't Lance, I'm not letting you get beat up." Twilight said as she floated me towards her.
  298. Twilight acknowledges that Lance would get his ass handed to him by two salesponies.
  299. > Apple Bloom pointed towards the pile of barrels, "Because of that silly competition, we've made enough cider for the whole town!"
  300. Ok, another complaint here. If the Apples managed to make enough cider in an hour for the entire town, why do they always run out? Ok, take away half of the total, they were made by Flim and Flam anyways. That means it would take two hours to make cider for the entire town. And even without the rest of the mane six helping out, which they only did for less than half the competition, it would mean that the Apples can supply the whole town with cider in just ten hours of work. Why the hell do they always run out? Is not as if they should fear the cider will go bad, everyone loves the cider and is willing to buy extra.
  301. Damn it, Kickass222urmom, I liked this episode.
  302.  
  303.  
  304.  
  305. >>Chapter 47 - Part 7
  306. >Dear Princess Celestia,
  307. >I'm writing to tell you what I've learned today. Today, I've learned that when you stick with your friends, you can do anything, unless those friends find you unimportant and stick you with the useless jobs. I also learned that when you bring a friend to help, make sure they stay around to help, otherwise, you're on your own. The most important thing I've learned is, when somepony says don't drink something, don't drink it. I'm going to be passing rocks and tree for the next three months. Also, can you tell Twilight to stop reading at night, it takes away from the fun when we're doing it. I mean, come on, she's reading while we make love! Doesn't even make sense!
  308. >Your brony,
  309. >Lance
  310. This guy is so disrespectful it’s not even funy. Why the hell would you write to the Princess about your sex life and your bowel movements?
  311. >"Lance, what are you writing?" Asked a confused Twilight.
  312.  
  313. Kill him while you have the chance, Twilight.
  314.  
  315. > I smirked, "Its nothing bad, where's Spike?"
  316. If you say it like that, it’s obvious it’s something bad
  317. >"Let me read it." She said, holding out her hoof.
  318. “It was originally ’my ‘assignment, and I’m the Princess’s protégé; it makes sense that I should read it before you send it.”
  319. > I jumped over her and stuck my tongue out, "Gotta do better than that Twi."
  320. I seriously want to know why he thought this was a good idea.
  321. > She grabbed the letter and read it. She then glared at me, "Lance!"
  322. I’ll have to give you a stern lecture.
  323. > I looked at Spike, who looked at us with a confused face, "Spike, send this letter!" I said as I tossed it towards him.
  324. > "Spike! Rip it up, now!" Twilight screamed as I held her back.
  325. Spike should at least be curious about what is causing Twilight to act like this.
  326.  
  327.  
  328.  
  329. >>Chapter 47 - Part 8
  330. >"Spike, send it and I'll get you some gems." I bargained.
  331. Or not.
  332. > Twilight slumped to the ground, "I'm doomed."
  333. Indeed you are, Twi.
  334. > I laughed, "Aww, come on, what could possible happen that would result in something bad?"
  335. “How could the Princess react in a negative way to such an offensive letter?”
  336. > She smiled, "Aw, a friendship report, lets see how my student is doing." She opened it and read it, instantly knowing it was from Lance, due to the crappy hoof writing.
  337. Great, surely Celestia won’t take this ki—
  338. >Dear Lance,
  339. >Tell Twilight Sparkle to read the book that I am enclosing in this letter while you two are having intercourse. This should help you with your problem.
  340. >Sincerely,
  341. >Princess Celestia
  342. >She picked up a book, 'A life in bed' and put it with the letter.
  343. Hey, Kickass222urmom.
  344. Fuck you.
  345.  
  346.  
  347.  
  348. >>Chapter 48 - Part 1
  349. > A/N the character Dali's name is pronounced, (D la) Just say D then la.
  350. Hey, Anons. You were right. This isn’t English.
  351. > Four months after Omnius visited.
  352. So… Is Omnius still around? Did he leave and went back to his dimension(s)? Is he going to be acknowledged beyond this point? None?
  353. >"Do you really have to go to Manehattan?" Twilight asked while pouting.
  354. “Of course I do, plot demands it.”
  355. > She stood on her hind legs and pointed to her stomach, "You better now be gone to long, its only three more months till the foal is born."
  356. Great. Only three months before the little demon spawn arrives.
  357. > I walked over to the mirror and made sure I hadn't forgot anything. I was not wearing my usual black clothes, I was stripped down to just my goggles.
  358. Funny you should decide not to wear clothes to the one city where ponies are clothed most of the time.
  359. > I didn't HAVE to go to Manehattan, I just really wanted to see it. After all, it did look pretty nice in the show.
  360. Why lie, then? Do you think Twilight would forbid you from travelling?
  361. > Twilight may not be coming with me, but I'm not going alone. You see, over the past two months, I've made a new friend.
  362. And instead of introducing this new friend, you’re going to have Lance talk about him/her. Because why the hell not?
  363. > I was walking through Canterlot alone one afternoon and came upon a mare being made fun of by a few high class ponies. I became instantly mad at them and defended the poor pony.
  364. This sounds like an interesting introduction for a character, which begs the question, why didn’t you introduce her that way? This is Zane all over again. He got introduced at some unspecified moment during a time skip, got no characterization, and was barely mentioned after that.
  365.  
  366.  
  367.  
  368. >>Chapter 48 - Part 2
  369. > As for looks, she was a light brown earth pony. […]
  370. Yadda, yadda yadda. Generic description of generic OC. What I want to know is why you lied to Twilight about going to Manehattan. With another mare in fact. In which scenario will this end up well?
  371. > After I found out that she didn't have a place to live, I talked to Frederic, who was kind enough to get her a house of her own.
  372. I’m glad to know Frederic has gained enough knowledge of urban planning in his fine months of being Prince to be able to give free housing to anyone who asks.
  373. > As time went on, me and Dali became great friends. Strangely, I was better friends with her than most of the bronies. Only two ranked above her and that was Frederic and Twilight.
  374. You decide to introduce a mare out of the blue. You, uh, establish that you have a lot in common with her, more than most of your friends, and then you proceed to remind us that your wife is still important to you. Allow me to raise an eyebrow in doubt.
  375. > To say the least, we spent a lot of time together.
  376. Time you are not spending taking care of your pregnant wife.
  377. > We was close, but not in the way a couple is.
  378. Well, that’s good to know. I didn’t think that he’d try to portray a friendship between a man and a woman and not have it laced with romance and se—
  379. > Sure, we talk about... things, but we would never do anything like that.
  380. I take that back.
  381. > I am married after all.
  382. And you better remember that. Is this the setup for a shitty romantic misunderstanding later on? Wasn’t that Octavia’s purpose in the crossover?
  383. > Anyway, back on subject. I'm not going alone to Manehattan, I'm taking my best friend along, Dali.
  384. Oh, so she’s you best friend now. Thankfully we skipped over all that boring bonding and character development. Who would want to see that?
  385.  
  386.  
  387.  
  388. >>Chapter 48 - Part 3
  389. > Why not, she's doesn't know that much about Equestria and I'm the only pony she will even talk to.
  390. I guess that’s as much info we’ll get about the relationship between Deela and Lance.
  391. > In her culture, nopony will talk to one another, unless they fully trusted that pony and felt a connection to them.
  392. Seriously? And you are going to let this continue and don’t act as if—
  393. > For us, it was the connection of friendship.
  394. Oh right, I forgot. You ‘are’ that dense.
  395. > If you became friends with said pony, it means that you have formed a bond that can not be broken, a bond that you would do anything to keep whole.
  396. You are the only one with whom she can speak in this entire world, and she’ll do anything to preserve the ties that bind you. And you see nothing wrong with that.
  397. > Got to admit, that's a tough commitment. I wouldn't be able to do that, to hard.
  398. But you were completely fine with getting Twilight pregnant and marrying her.
  399. > She smiled happily at me, "Hi Lance, you ready to get going?"
  400. I fear he is.
  401. > I told her everything about me and the other bronies. I trust her with the secret.
  402. But you didn’t trust everyone else enough to tell them about Deela. Great.
  403. > She continued to smile as she walked out of her house and closed the door, "I can't wait to see the big city. Everypony from where I lived said it was a city to see."
  404. Wait… Did you live in a place where everyone knew about Manehattan? So you already lived in Equestria. Why did you move? Who said that it was a city to see? Why—ugh, fuck it. Let’s keep going.
  405. > I chuckled, you just got to love the way she talks. She may not make full complete sentences all the time, but you just got to love it.
  406. They have had more romantic development in the beginning of one chapter than Twilight and him in over forty.
  407.  
  408.  
  409.  
  410. >>Chapter 48 - Part 4
  411. > She waved a hoof at my back, "May I mount your back now?" (That does not mean what you think it means! Pervs...)
  412. I have the feeling that this time; it does mean what you think.
  413. > Dali gently climbed onto my back and positioned herself so that she wouldn't effect my flying.
  414. What is supposed to be happening here? Is Deela supposed to be a shy person who starts opening up to strangers after she gains confidence on herself through her friendship with Lance and finally breaks free from the customs of her culture?
  415. > One last thing about her culture and I'll shut up. In her culture, touching another pony, or being touched, is like a sacred thing. They will not touch another pony, or let another pony touch them, unless they trusted that pony and accepted them.
  416. Jesus Christ! What in the actual hell, Lance? She must have told you all of this beforehand, doesn’t that raise any red flags for you? Are you seriously that incredibly dense?
  417. > The plan was for me to fly us there, as it would be faster than walking. Once there, we would explore the city, have a good time, meet some new ponies, then come back with in a few days, or weeks. We've been planning this trip for the past month.
  418. Of course you are that dense. You thought it would be a good idea to go alone to a new city with this mare you’ve only known from very recently, and yet you felt a strong connection, and you plan to stay together for a couple of weeks and it didn’t cross your mind to tell anybody. Not even your freaking wife.
  419. > I landed in the middle of the city, sweat coated my body, my lungs on fire.
  420. Again, trains. They are a thing that exists in Equestria.
  421. > She began walking forward, but stopped when she saw the large crowd of ponies moving about. She back tracked to me, "There are a lot of ponies in this city."
  422. Oh, great fucking plan, Lance. Take the one pony that is even more nervous around people than Fluttershy to a huge, densely populated city.
  423.  
  424.  
  425.  
  426. >>Chapter 48 - Part 5
  427. > I put a hoof on her shoulder, "Don't worry, I got this." I smirked and pulled off my goggles. Come on eyes, do your thing.
  428. Oh, right. Your snake eyes. I thought we wouldn’t have to talk about those again.
  429. > I led Dali through the crowd, making sure nopony touched her. If that happened, she would be devastated. She'll take it as if somepony had rapped her. I will never understand her culture.
  430. Then why did you take her to one of the most heavily populated cities in Equestria?
  431. > I chuckled to myself, man I love the way she talks!
  432. Please, Lance, keep telling us about how she’s your best friend and nothing more.
  433. >"How does this place look then?" I held out a hoof to the club in front of us, 'The Trotting Pony'. Techno music could be heard inside,
  434. A place with techno music will most likely have people dancing. In a very touchy way. Do you really see no drawbacks to this plan?
  435. > Dali smiled happily, "Okay Lance, I trust you."
  436. And you will soon come to regret it.
  437. > One last thing, I promise. Dali isn't what you would call, athletic. She can't run a quarter of a mile without needing to take a break. Where she's from, all the mare's do is stay home and help the family.
  438. Ok, so she’s either an eighteenth century housewife or from ultraconservative Muslim family.
  439. > I stopped and let her catch up, "I'm so sorry Dali, I didn't mean to leave you behind."
  440. “I know you are not used to this environment and you are clearly nervous and scared, but this is the first time I’ve gone to a club so screw you.”
  441. > She waved me off with her hoof, "All is forgive Lance, I know you did not mean to leave me. Nothing happened, so there is nothing to be sorry about."
  442. Woah, there’s a being even more forgiving than Lance. That’s impressive.
  443.  
  444.  
  445.  
  446. >>Chapter 48 - Part 6
  447. > After a few minutes of sitting there, I noticed a sign up on the stage. […] It read, 'Tonight's performance stars, The Great and Powerful Trixie!'
  448. And there goes another character down the drain. Who wants to bet who comes next? I say Lyra.
  449. > I then looked at Dali, "Do you want me to get you something to eat?"
  450. > She nodded, "Yes please."
  451. > I chuckled and stood, "I'll be right back then."
  452. > Her eyes widened with shock, "Please don't leave me here alone!"
  453. So she’s also chronically dependent. I wonder if it’s a character trait or is it just a gimmick to force romantic misunderstandings later on. Although, knowing Kickass222urmom, it’ll probably none of them, and it will never be mentioned again.
  454. > I patted her hoof, "Dali, I'll be right over there, see?" I pointed to the bar, "I'll keep my eye on you, I promise."
  455. You had to choose the one restaurant without waiters, right?
  456. >"What would you like today..." He looked at me, a look of surprise and confusion. I sighed, "I'm a Pegasus, a zebra Pegasus if you prefer. I would like a daisy sandwich and a hayburger.
  457. That doesn’t make sense. You are both a zebra ‘and’ a Pegasus, preference shouldn’t matter if you are equal parts both.
  458. > Also, two large ciders."
  459. And you are going to make her drink. A mare that most assuredly has never drank alcohol in her life. I hope this all backfires horribly for you.
  460. >"Forty bits." He said as he turned from me. My mouth hung open in surprise, forty bits!
  461. I know you’ve never been to a disco/night club, but this seems like the most obvious stuff you should ask before coming.
  462. > I wonder what a rainbow taste like. I'll ask Dash when I get back.
  463. I’m sure this joke was already overused by August 2012.
  464. > “did you hear about the large storm coming in? Its suppose to be huge."
  465. Oh, no! Now they are forced to stay together during their stay in Manehattan. How cruel and unpredictable.
  466.  
  467.  
  468.  
  469. >>Chapter 48 - Part 7
  470. > Suddenly, behind me, I heard a very familiar beat begin to play, "Come one, come all! Come and witness the amazing magic of the Great and Powerful Trixie!"
  471. There’s no way this will have a happy ending for Trixie.
  472. > A tear rolled down my face, "Why? Why does the universe hate me!"
  473. Ok, first of all, you came back from the dead twice, you are married to one of the most powerful unicorns in Equestria, you are intimate friends with royalty, you live in a mansion in the suburbs of Canterlot, and you have a job that will gladly give you several weeks off and still pay you. The universe doesn’t hate you, you whiny prick.
  474. > I nodded, "I'm okay, I just hate this... 'magician'."
  475. Secondly, why do you hate her? Is it because she boasts a lot? She’s a freaking showmare, of course she boasts. She has to.
  476. > I chuckled, "Yeah... I have the worst luck ever, huh?"
  477. Why are you letting it affect you so much? Just ignore her show and keep talking with your “best friend”.
  478. Actually, wouldn’t have been a sign somewhere out there showing who was going to have a presentation that night?
  479. > She shook her head, "Not at all, you are very lucky. You are married to a wonderful mare. You are very lucky."
  480. Would you look at that, she is not a complete blank slate for Kickass222urmom to project his fantasies; she actually has some common sense.
  481. >"Hey! The Great and Powerful Trixie is talking! You must listen to her!" Said Trixie with annoyance in her voice.
  482. Oh, that’s why you hate her, Lance. She’s horribly written.
  483. > I turned to see that she was looking straight at me. Okay, that's it
  484. What’s it? This is the first time she has acknowledged your existence, and to be fair, you were talking in the middle of her show.
  485.  
  486.  
  487.  
  488. >>Chapter 48 - Part 8
  489. >"The Great and Powerful Trixie? Really? Your not that great or powerful, you was beaten in a foals game of magic against Twilight Sparkle, the student of Princess Celestia!"
  490. Ever seen one of those people who go to shows just to mess with the host, talk down to them and generally be obnoxious? Apparently, Lance thinks those people are upstanding citizens and role models.
  491. >"Yeah, says the bitch with the loud mouth. Face it Trixie, your nothing more than a poser. Twilight is the real deal!"
  492. Now you are insulting her, even though she hasn’t done anything to you. Why isn’t security kicking you out?
  493. > Am I rapping? That's strange, even for me.
  494. What? That’s… No, what? Why would you even begin to think that you were rapping? Just because you rhymed “real” with “deal”? Do you even know what rap is?
  495. >"Well well, Trixie is wrong, you know why? Because I'm married to Twilight, I know that she can kick you flank in a magic duel any day."
  496. So? If I’m going to a club to see a small band to play, I’m not going to complain because there are better bands out there, or they lost a battle of the bands. Why should anyone care that the Princess’s personal protégé defeated her? If anything, I’d be surprised that she managed to hold her ground.
  497. > What is wrong with me?
  498. You’re being and asshole, for starters.
  499. > I slammed my hoof down, "Cut that fucking third person crap! Its annoying as hell!"
  500. Hey, Anon. “This” is Argument by Assertion. Trixie’s style doesn’t appeal to him, so he throws a violent fit. Actually, this may be a bit more extreme than that.
  501. > She twisted, hitting me in the face with her cape, "Trixie doesn't have time for you, she has a show to perform."
  502. I would have done the same, Trixie.
  503. >"I'm going to kick her ass!" I said as I took a step forward.
  504. Security? Now would be a good time to escort Lance out of the building.
  505.  
  506.  
  507.  
  508. >>Chapter 48 - Part 9
  509. > Dali jumped over the table and pulled me back, "Lance, no. Don't fall for her games, she wants you to fight her in public."
  510. What games? She just wants to perform her show, you’re the one that has been aching to start a fight.
  511. > As she stood, the sound of thunder could be heard in the distance. That bar tender was right, there is a storm coming. Sounds big too.
  512. Equestria’s weather is run by the Pegasus, everything is planned and precise. How did you not know that there was a huge storm coming?
  513. > An hour and fourteen minutes later, the 'Sleeping Stallion' hotel
  514. It took you over an hour to get to the hotel? Have you forgotten that there are taxis too?
  515. > I turned to the two beds, mine and Dali's.
  516. Well, at least there wasn’t a misunderstanding at the hotel and they gave you a double bed instead.
  517. > I began walking towards my bed when the power suddenly cut off
  518. You were already going to sleep, so that’s not too much of a problem.
  519. > When a loud and sharp crack of lighting was heard, I heard Dali give a yelp of surprise, "You okay Dali?"
  520. Considering she comes from a place where thunderstorms aren’t common, she has been shaking under her covers, and just now was startled by a lightning, I’d dare to say that she’s not ok.
  521. > I rubbed my hooves together, trying to think of a plan. Then I remembered something. Last time there was a thunderstorm in Canterlot, she came running to my house. Twilight and I had let her stay in our room and sleep with us.
  522. Hold on. So she has already met the rest of you? And you didn’t mention it? Why the hell didn’t you mention it? Actually, why did you skip four months? It’s not as if nothing happened during that time, you’ve already established that. Did Kickass222urmom do it so he could just introduce whatever he wants and justify it by saying that it happened during those four months? That's an extremely cheap scapegoat, man.
  523.  
  524.  
  525.  
  526. >>Chapter 48 - Part 10
  527. >"Dali, would you like to sleep in my bed tonight?"
  528. No. I refuse to believe he is letting this happen.
  529. > I heard her bed squeak and felt her jump in bed. She gave me a quick hug, "Thank you Lance, your a good friend."
  530. There are limits that even the most obtuse being would identify.
  531. > I chuckled, "No problem, I know Twilight wouldn't mind."
  532. I’m sure that if Twilight did the same with a male friend you would throw a tantrum.
  533. > She put her hoof over my waist, "Do you mind?"
  534. Oh, my God. Kickass, seriously. You’ve been shoving half-assed double entendres at our face since the beginning and asked us to “keep our dirty minds in check”. Now you are clearly setting up a scene full of sexual tension.
  535. > She hugged my body tightly, which I would hate if this was another pony.
  536. Right, for a second I forgot how important Deela is to you.
  537. > I only let Twilight do this, but seeing as Dali needs somepony to hold, I'll let it be.
  538. If it was Fred or Dave, would you let him do it?
  539.  
  540.  
  541.  
  542. >>Chapter 48 - Part 11
  543. > I smiled and started to focus on Twilight.
  544. Oh, good. Now that Deela’s asleep you can think on your wife.
  545. > What am I doing you ask? Well, Twilight cast a spell on me so that I could talk to her anytime I wanted.
  546. How freaking convenient.
  547. >'Twilight, you awake?' I thought.
  548. It’s a good thing Twilight just sits around waiting for Lance to talk to her.
  549. >'Pretty good, we're in a storm right now.' 'You are? How's Dali doing?'
  550. Wait, so Twilight knew about all of this? Does she also know about how touchy Deela is?
  551. >'She's doing fine. But I hope you don't mind that I let her sleep in my bed with me. The lighting was scaring her.'
  552. Ok, Twilight. Please say something about this. I know you’re just a shadow of your character, but you must have something to say about this.
  553. > Lance, your a good friend you know that?'
  554. >'How?'
  555. > 'Well, you let her hold you the whole night, just to make her feel better. That's true friendship Lance.'
  556. So this whole subplot is not even going to make Twilight jealous. There’s not going to be a misunderstanding that will make her get angry at you, you will never help Deela get over her social anxiety, and this whole thing amounts to nothing.
  557. Again.
  558. God damn it, Kickass222urmom.
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