Whitney Cummings: Can I Touch It? (2019)

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[futuristic techno music playing]

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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen...

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Whitney Cummings!

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[audience cheering]

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This is awesome.

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I am shooting my fourth stand-up special
this evening

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in my hometown, Washington DC.

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- [audience cheering]
- Thank you.

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Thank you so much.

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A lot's happened
since I made a stand-up special.

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A lot's gone on in the past year.

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I don't know if you noticed,

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but people started caring
about sexual harassment all of a sudden.

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That came out of fucking nowhere.

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I feel like the sexual harassment news
has finally been going on long enough

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to where my guy friends feel comfortable

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complaining about
how hard it's been for them.

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Anyone have any guy friends

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who are acting like they have no idea
how to behave at the office?

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All of a sudden, my guy friends say,

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"What, so I can't even hug a woman
at work anymore?"

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You never could.

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It's why we're in this mess.

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No one wants to bump nipples with you
at 9 a.m...

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by the Keurig machine.

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It's weird.

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But as I say that,
I want you guys to know, I get it.

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Of course you want to touch women.
They're so freaking cute.

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They're impossible to resist.

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I relate to your frustration,

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because sometimes I will see
a service dog at the airport.

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[audience laughing]

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[sparse clapping]

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And it's wearing a little vest.

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It says, "Dog working, do not pet."

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- Now I'm in a pickle.
- [audience laughing]

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Because I'm going to pet that fucking dog.

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This is going down the easy way
or the hard way.

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I mean, it's a dog. It obviously wants it.

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[audience applauding]

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[audience cheering]

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I get your logic.

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And it is asking for it
with that adorable little butt.

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I can see its butthole.

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If that's not asking for it,
I don't know what is.

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But I don't. I never pet a service dog.

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It's that vest. You're like, "Oh, God,
that dog's in the middle of something."

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You respect that vest.

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I think that's what we need to start doing
at work.

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Women need to start wearing
little vests to work.

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"Lady working.

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Do not hug.

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Shit to do."

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I feel like we were all getting
a little sloppy at the office.

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I used to work with this guy.

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Every day, he'd run past me, he'd put
his hands in between my butt cheeks,

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like this,
and he'd yell to the whole office.

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He'd go, "I'm swiping a credit card,
I'm swiping a credit card."

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I thought it was hilarious.

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I'd be like, "You're declined.
You're declined.

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[audience laughing]

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Your card did not go through.
No, it didn't."

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That's on me. That is on me.

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Um, that's my bad.

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I'm not proud of that.

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But now credit card machines,
they have a chip reader now.

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[audience laughing]

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[light applause]

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So you'd have to do that,
and that is not okay. That is wrong.

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That's wrong.

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I have a couple of guy friends
who are trying so hard

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to not be creepy at work

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that they're doing way creepier shit
by accident.

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One of my guy friends
tried to compliment a woman he works with

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and he called her "wife material."

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He got in trouble and had no idea why.

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He said, "What do you mean?
That's not even sexual."

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Calling a woman "wife material,"
that's like saying,

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[in deep voice]
"I could fuck you forever.

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So I'm going to make you sign a contract,
so that, if you want to get away from me,

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you have to hire a lawyer."

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Just think it through. Think it through.

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People really want to challenge me
about all these women coming forward.

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Someone came up to me

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and was like, "Well, how do these women
even remember what happened?"

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Like, "Oh, because we're known
for our amazing ability to forget shit.

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Uh, we're known for just letting things go
after a while. It's our thing."

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Maybe some people don't understand
that when you get harassed at a young age,

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you might not even put together
that that's what's occurring

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until later in life when you're an adult.

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That was one of my experiences.

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When I was 19 years old, I got a job
as an extra in a television show.

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The first day I was there, the director,
who was at least 65 years old,

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invited me into his trailer for lunch.

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So I go into his trailer.
And I know what you're thinking.

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"Why did you go into his trailer?"

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Because I was an idiot.

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I was 19 years old.

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No one had told me trailers were bad.

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There was a lot of shit I didn't know.

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I also thought clear bra straps
were clear.

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Um...

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I also thought that lady
living with my aunt was her "roommate."

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I also thought
guys could be "allergic to latex."

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There was a lot of shit...

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[audience cheers, light applause]

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...I hadn't figured out yet.

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Don't blame me.

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So of course I go into his trailer.

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Out of nowhere, he just lunges at me.

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I didn't understand what was happening
because he was so much older than me.

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I thought he fell.
I was like, "Are you okay? Oh, my God.

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Are you passing away? What's happening?"

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No idea what to do with that story.

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I don't remember the guy's name,
but the good news is

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I did accidentally stumble
upon a great way

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to deal with harassment at work
from a creepy guy.

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Just pretend you think
he's having a medical emergency.

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Next time a guy's like,
"Hey, sweetie, want to get a drink later?"

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just go,
"Oh, my God, someone call an ambulance!

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Gary thinks he's in my league!

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[audience laughing, applause]

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I don't know if it's, like, dementia
or maybe it's a stroke.

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Gary thinks I would fuck him.
We've got to call an ambulance!

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This is bad."

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Don't get angry.
Just get very compassionate.

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That's my new approach.

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I don't even get angry
at cat-callers anymore.

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My new thing with cat-callers
is just do what they ask.

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Because then they'll realize
it's not at all what they want.

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Next time a guy's like,
"Hey, baby, smile," just be like...

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[growls menacingly]

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[chuckling]

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People really want to argue with me
about this stuff.

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I had a guy come at me

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and he was like, "You know,
what if women start taking advantage?"

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We got it.

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We'll handle it when that happens.

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I love that you guys think
that we have no idea

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that some women are batshit crazy.

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We know.

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Okay? We know way more shit
than you know.

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We see the text messages
she didn't send to you.

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[audience laughing]

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[cheering, applause]

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We know.

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We see the ones that are too crazy
to even get to your phone...

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because we're the ones
that put a stop to that shit.

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We're the ones like, "No, you're not going
to kidnap his mom. Delete it, delete it.

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Give me the phone. Give it to me.
Put the phone down.

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That's too many bubbles.
He hasn't responded in five days.

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Give me the phone.

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You're not sending that.

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You're not going to send an Adele song
with six eggplant emojis.

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Give it to me. Log out now."

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We know.

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You guys just don't know that we know

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because we're in this climate
where everyone's walking on eggshells

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and no one's allowed to say
anything negative about a woman

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or people freak out. That's not healthy.

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We have to get back to a place
where we can call out women

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if they're acting like silly gooses.

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And there are some silly gooses out there.

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Does anyone have any girl friends
that think they're "feminists,"

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- but they're actually just "assholes"?
- [audience laughing]

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[cheers, light applause]

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Someone's got to say it.

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But I also think we have to be patient
with women right now.

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You've got to understand,
this came out of nowhere.

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For thousands of years,
nobody cared about our feelings,

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nobody cared about our opinions.

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Then a year ago, everyone was like,
"What do you think?" It was like...

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"What the fuck?

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I'm sorry,
can you just give us one second?

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We were not at all prepared
for that question.

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It's just no one has ever
asked us that before.

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Can you just give us a minute?

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We were just taking a selfie
with dog ears.

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Just give us one second.

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We're going to regroup
and come right back to you with an answer.

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Bitches, huddle up right now.

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Um, they give a shit about us
all of a sudden

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and we have absolutely no practice
being listened to,

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so we need to level the fuck up right now.

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Some things need to change around here.

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First of all,
the 'rosé all day' shirts have to go.

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[audience cheers]

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Just for a couple of years
till we get out of the woods on this.

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'Namastay in bed, '
it's not a sophisticated argument.

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No more sassy shirts for a while.

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You stop saying, 'totes.'

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You're 40. Um...

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We might have to stop calling each other
hookers and whores for a while."

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Does anyone have that girl friend?
[nasally] "Hey, hooker."

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I actually think we need to steal from
what guys do with their nicknames,

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because guys build each other up
with their nicknames, right?

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"What up, champ?"

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"What up, chief?"

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"What up, boss?"

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Guys give each other promotions
in their nicknames.

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I make television shows. I have an intern.
He's 20 years old.

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People walk in, they're like,
"What up, boss?" I'm like, "What?

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No, I'm your boss.

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I'm your boss. That's nobody's boss.

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That's my friend's nephew
who was too stupid to get a job,

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so I had to give him an internship...

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- because he got a two on his SATs...
- [audience cheering, applause]

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...so that's nobody's boss.

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Okay?

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Best case scenario, he will be a hooker.

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So let's just get this... I'm your boss."

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I don't like any nicknames
my girl friends give me.

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They'll be like,
"Hey, honey. Hey, cupcake."

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I'm like, "What are you doing? You don't
like it when guys call you that."

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Let's just all stop calling women desserts
for a while.

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If you must call a woman a dessert,

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at least pick a cool dessert, you know.

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Like bear claw.

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"What up, bear claw?" That's fine.

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Mousse. "Mousse!"

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"Alright, get back in the huddle.
There's more shit to do.

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Okay, I think, for a while,
we need to stop yelling at guys

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when they drive by in a sports car."

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Does anyone have that girl friend?

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When a guy drives by in a sports car,
they go, "Sorry about your dick."

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[audience laughs]

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How is that helping?

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You're making us look like hypocrites,
right?

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Because, if the roles were reversed
in that scenario,

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it would be so messed up, right?
If a woman drove by in a sports car

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and a guy was like,
"Sorry about your giant pussy!"

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Not a good look.

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"What else? We've got to watch
what we prioritize on social media.

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We've got to watch the causes
we prioritize on social media.

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Free The Nipple?
Not this month. Next month."

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Unless you're breastfeeding, in which case
you can do whatever the hell you want

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with your nipple as far as I am concerned.

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If your nipple has proven
to be of use to society,

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you may free it.

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But I think we can all agree,
a breastfeeding nipple is not free.

241
00:11:09,418 --> 00:11:10,878
That nipple is working.

242
00:11:11,837 --> 00:11:13,547
We need to get it a little vest.

243
00:11:13,631 --> 00:11:15,257
Like a little, tiny...

244
00:11:16,258 --> 00:11:17,217
Like a...

245
00:11:17,218 --> 00:11:18,552
[audience cheering]

246
00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:20,554
Like a baby vest.

247
00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:25,685
I think the biggest thing
I want to work on with my girl friends

248
00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:29,105
is telling the difference
between empowerment and entitlement.

249
00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:31,440
It's a fine line.
Very easy to confuse those two.

250
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:34,193
Like I have this one girl friend,
she thinks she's very empowered,

251
00:11:34,276 --> 00:11:37,530
but she's actually just entitled and
it comes out in the way that she complains

252
00:11:37,613 --> 00:11:39,740
that no man is good enough for her,

253
00:11:39,824 --> 00:11:43,786
even though all she does is talk
about astrology and go to music festivals.

254
00:11:44,245 --> 00:11:46,872
She has no concept of what she deserves.

255
00:11:46,956 --> 00:11:49,583
Like, she will go to a music festival
for five days

256
00:11:49,667 --> 00:11:52,128
and do drugs the entire time,
and then she'll come back

257
00:11:52,211 --> 00:11:54,931
and she'll be like, "I told you,
there's just no good men out there."

258
00:11:56,674 --> 00:11:58,551
No, there are good men out there.

259
00:11:58,634 --> 00:12:00,886
They're just at home
with their good women.

260
00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:03,889
You're never going to meet them,
because they're not at Burning Man

261
00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:07,685
watching you puke on your slutty
Native American Indian costume.

262
00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:09,520
[audience laughing]

263
00:12:09,603 --> 00:12:11,605
[light applause]

264
00:12:12,231 --> 00:12:13,482
[chuckles]

265
00:12:13,774 --> 00:12:16,402
We get in fights
because she generalizes a lot

266
00:12:16,485 --> 00:12:18,195
about, like, all men and all women.

267
00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:19,999
I know it's weird
that I'm criticizing that,

268
00:12:20,030 --> 00:12:23,951
because generalizing about men
and women did pay for my house, but...

269
00:12:24,535 --> 00:12:25,828
I'm evolving

270
00:12:25,911 --> 00:12:28,456
and I now find that
really frustrating to engage with.

271
00:12:28,873 --> 00:12:30,916
I had a guy come at me on social media.

272
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,127
He said,
"Well, all women are just liars."

273
00:12:33,210 --> 00:12:36,130
All women? Okay,
let's say some of these women are liars.

274
00:12:36,213 --> 00:12:37,413
Just for a thought experiment.

275
00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:39,925
You have to admit the reaction
of men lying

276
00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:41,929
and women lying in our culture
is very different.

277
00:12:41,969 --> 00:12:43,888
You've seen the movie Catch Me If You Can.

278
00:12:43,971 --> 00:12:46,640
Great movie. It's about a con artist.
He pretends to be a doctor,

279
00:12:46,724 --> 00:12:47,975
pretends to be a pilot.

280
00:12:48,058 --> 00:12:50,060
So if you're a woman and you lie,
you're a monster.

281
00:12:50,144 --> 00:12:51,645
If you're a man and you lie,

282
00:12:51,729 --> 00:12:56,442
you get a movie made about you
starring Leonardo DiCaprio.

283
00:12:56,525 --> 00:12:58,569
What do we get? We got fucking I, Tonya.

284
00:12:58,652 --> 00:12:59,695
That's what we got.

285
00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:02,198
[audience cheers, applause]

286
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:06,202
You have to be in a leotard
for anyone to give a shit.

287
00:13:06,285 --> 00:13:08,996
I also did research
on the guy that movie is based on.

288
00:13:09,079 --> 00:13:10,456
He now works at the FBI.

289
00:13:10,539 --> 00:13:14,293
They pay him millions of dollars
to consult on other con artists.

290
00:13:14,376 --> 00:13:17,421
So if you're a man and you lie,
that's like a hireable skill.

291
00:13:18,088 --> 00:13:19,507
People don't like when women lie.

292
00:13:19,590 --> 00:13:21,550
They get very uncomfortable
when women lie.

293
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:24,220
That's my theory
about why there's no female magicians.

294
00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:25,805
[audience laughing]

295
00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:27,890
Never thought about that shit before?

296
00:13:29,350 --> 00:13:33,103
Because when men lie,
we're like, "Whoa, magic!"

297
00:13:34,271 --> 00:13:36,398
If there was a female magician,
after every trick,

298
00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:38,802
everyone in the audience would be like,
"I fucking knew it.

299
00:13:40,152 --> 00:13:42,947
What did I tell you? I told you,
you cannot trust these bitches.

300
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:46,325
Sneaky bitches."

301
00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:49,095
The other generalization I keep hearing

302
00:13:49,119 --> 00:13:51,205
is, "Well, all these women
are just gold-diggers."

303
00:13:51,288 --> 00:13:53,707
Like, okay, fine.

304
00:13:53,791 --> 00:13:56,144
Let's say... Let's say some of these women
are gold-diggers.

305
00:13:56,168 --> 00:13:57,419
You guys have to admit

306
00:13:57,503 --> 00:14:01,131
that you guys were afraid of gold-diggers
way before this even happened.

307
00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:04,510
It's hard for us to hear you guys
complain about gold-diggers.

308
00:14:04,593 --> 00:14:06,513
Because when you guys
complain about gold-diggers

309
00:14:06,554 --> 00:14:09,056
to us, it kind of just sounds
like you're bragging.

310
00:14:09,139 --> 00:14:11,868
We're like, "Alright, well,
a lot of the reason you have all that gold

311
00:14:11,892 --> 00:14:13,852
is because you have the advantage
of being a guy."

312
00:14:13,894 --> 00:14:15,729
Especially in the goods
and services industry,

313
00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:17,373
a lot of the reason you have that money

314
00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:19,598
is because we buy a bunch of shit
we don't fucking need.

315
00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:22,278
So if I'm dating the head of Sephora

316
00:14:22,361 --> 00:14:24,905
and I gold-dig him,
I'm not using him for his money.

317
00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:27,324
I'm using him for my money.
That is my money.

318
00:14:27,408 --> 00:14:28,492
[audience laughing]

319
00:14:28,617 --> 00:14:31,370
I'm just trying to get
that shit back. Um...

320
00:14:31,453 --> 00:14:33,873
"I feel like you gold-digged me first.

321
00:14:34,623 --> 00:14:37,209
Bronzer should not be $90."

322
00:14:39,253 --> 00:14:41,714
When guys complain about gold-diggers,
it's tricky,

323
00:14:41,797 --> 00:14:44,008
because, to us,
the solution is so obvious.

324
00:14:44,091 --> 00:14:46,635
If you're worried about gold-diggers,
I have an idea.

325
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:49,972
How about just date women
with their own fucking gold?

326
00:14:50,055 --> 00:14:52,474
I don't know,
maybe stop dating 18-year-olds

327
00:14:52,558 --> 00:14:55,603
that need a Kickstarter campaign
just to eat dinner.

328
00:14:55,686 --> 00:14:58,188
Maybe just date adults with jobs.

329
00:14:58,272 --> 00:15:00,399
- I don't know.
- [audience cheering, applause]

330
00:15:00,482 --> 00:15:01,483
I don't know.

331
00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:04,028
No, no, no.

332
00:15:05,237 --> 00:15:08,198
Also, it's very ironic to me
when guys complain about gold-diggers,

333
00:15:08,282 --> 00:15:11,160
because you know
you were the original gold-diggers, right?

334
00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:13,871
You know your great-great-grandfathers
got a bunch of shovels

335
00:15:13,954 --> 00:15:16,373
and started digging up actual gold...

336
00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:18,959
before women were allowed
to leave the house.

337
00:15:19,043 --> 00:15:21,503
I would love to dig for gold
the old-fashioned way

338
00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:24,924
and get, like, a pickax
and, like, a salad strainer

339
00:15:25,007 --> 00:15:26,300
and go get my own gold,

340
00:15:26,383 --> 00:15:29,970
but you guys took it all
and you refused to share, so...

341
00:15:30,304 --> 00:15:32,932
[huffs] now we're going to have to do this
the hard way...

342
00:15:33,432 --> 00:15:36,268
and be in a bad relationship for two years

343
00:15:36,477 --> 00:15:38,646
and hope that you cheat on me.
[chuckling]

344
00:15:40,856 --> 00:15:44,568
And I feel like I can say that,
because I have had a guy use me

345
00:15:44,652 --> 00:15:46,028
for my gold before

346
00:15:46,111 --> 00:15:48,131
and I've noticed,
when you hear the word "gold-digger,"

347
00:15:48,155 --> 00:15:49,435
you think of a woman right away.

348
00:15:49,490 --> 00:15:52,177
Men use women for their money, too.
They're not called "gold-diggers."

349
00:15:52,201 --> 00:15:55,120
They're called, like, "backup dancers."
They have, like, a...

350
00:15:55,204 --> 00:15:56,497
[audience laughs]

351
00:15:56,580 --> 00:15:58,207
They have, like, a jaunty name.

352
00:16:00,501 --> 00:16:03,141
It's hard to talk about this stuff
without sounding self-righteous.

353
00:16:03,170 --> 00:16:04,087
That's my nightmare.

354
00:16:04,088 --> 00:16:06,298
I'm trying to not sound self-righteous
about all this,

355
00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:09,468
because it's my pet peeve when people
are self-righteous in conversations.

356
00:16:09,551 --> 00:16:12,763
And I try to remember though
that when someone's self-righteous,

357
00:16:12,846 --> 00:16:15,891
it usually just means
they care so much about something

358
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:17,309
that they become an asshole.

359
00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:20,229
Right? I do it. I'm guilty. I am guilty.

360
00:16:20,312 --> 00:16:23,232
I am very into animal advocacy. And...

361
00:16:23,315 --> 00:16:25,543
- [audience cheering]
- Oh, thank you. Oh, that's very nice.

362
00:16:25,567 --> 00:16:27,987
I don't have kids.
What else am I going to do?

363
00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:29,196
[audience laughs]

364
00:16:29,321 --> 00:16:33,075
There are times when I am so passionate
about protecting an innocent animal

365
00:16:33,158 --> 00:16:35,202
that I will be a jerk to a human.

366
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:37,788
It happens... kind of a lot.

367
00:16:37,871 --> 00:16:38,871
And...

368
00:16:39,248 --> 00:16:42,501
recently, I saw a stray dog
at this huge intersection in Los Angeles

369
00:16:42,584 --> 00:16:43,585
and nobody was stopping.

370
00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:46,630
Nobody was stopping,
so I pull over and I can see

371
00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:48,650
- that it's a little, tiny puppy.
- [audience] Aww!

372
00:16:48,674 --> 00:16:50,175
I know!

373
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:52,886
And I could tell
it was in really bad shape, okay?

374
00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:55,055
So I get out of my car
and this guy yells at me.

375
00:16:55,139 --> 00:16:58,142
He's like, "You dumb bitch!"
and I was like, "Fuck you!"

376
00:16:58,225 --> 00:16:59,518
[audience laughs]

377
00:16:59,643 --> 00:17:01,353
So I'm screaming at all these people.

378
00:17:01,437 --> 00:17:03,480
I finally get, like, 12 lanes to stop

379
00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:05,024
and I get closer to this puppy

380
00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:07,484
and I get closer and closer
to this little, tiny puppy

381
00:17:07,568 --> 00:17:09,403
and I see that this little, tiny puppy

382
00:17:09,486 --> 00:17:11,196
is a trash bag.

383
00:17:11,321 --> 00:17:13,323
[audience laughing]

384
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:25,878
[exhales heavily]

385
00:17:28,130 --> 00:17:30,466
But I had already been such an asshole...

386
00:17:31,341 --> 00:17:34,845
that there was really no turning back
at this point, so I just had to...

387
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:39,641
Just had to lean in.

388
00:17:43,979 --> 00:17:46,899
[audience cheering, applause]

389
00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:53,197
And that's how I got tetanus.

390
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:54,448
[audience laughing]

391
00:17:54,531 --> 00:17:55,616
[chuckles]

392
00:17:59,453 --> 00:18:03,290
I am realizing that the guy friends
of mine that are the most self-righteous

393
00:18:03,373 --> 00:18:05,918
I actually think might be the ones
that have done nothing wrong.

394
00:18:06,001 --> 00:18:08,295
They assume
these women must be exaggerating,

395
00:18:08,378 --> 00:18:10,506
because they themselves would never behave

396
00:18:10,589 --> 00:18:12,466
the way they're seeing
in the news stories.

397
00:18:12,549 --> 00:18:14,629
Like you would never pull your dick out
at work, sir.

398
00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:15,968
Of course not.

399
00:18:16,804 --> 00:18:18,972
Of course not. It would be ridiculous.

400
00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:22,726
[audience member] Woo!

401
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:25,354
[audience laughing, applause]

402
00:18:25,437 --> 00:18:29,733
It would be crazy for you to do that.
That would be an insane thing to do.

403
00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:31,652
But...

404
00:18:32,319 --> 00:18:34,113
you have that one friend

405
00:18:34,488 --> 00:18:37,074
you can totally see doing that shit.

406
00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:38,951
What's his name?

407
00:18:39,451 --> 00:18:40,971
- [audience member] Jeffrey.
- Jeffrey.

408
00:18:41,036 --> 00:18:42,913
[audience laughing]

409
00:18:42,996 --> 00:18:46,667
Anyone that goes by Jeffrey
instead of Jeff is a fucking asshole.

410
00:18:46,750 --> 00:18:48,794
[laughter and applause]

411
00:18:49,378 --> 00:18:51,880
He likes to waste people's time
with his full name.

412
00:18:52,631 --> 00:18:55,008
Jeffrey.
That's who we're talking about, right?

413
00:18:55,092 --> 00:18:58,637
I try to remind my guy friends,
we're not attacking you. We're just...

414
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:01,807
You have to remember that the world
is a little more dangerous for us

415
00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:03,684
because of the Jeffreys of the world.

416
00:19:03,767 --> 00:19:08,397
Like, you know we have to take a class
to learn how to go outside, right?

417
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,440
Has anyone ever taken
a self-defense class before?

418
00:19:10,524 --> 00:19:13,128
- [audience cheers, applause]
- Okay. Yeah. That's a lot. Wow, okay.

419
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:15,279
Like, 25 women. The rest are dead. Okay.

420
00:19:15,362 --> 00:19:16,864
[audience laughs]

421
00:19:17,072 --> 00:19:19,199
I took a self-defense class in my 20s

422
00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:22,619
and I think we could maybe update
the tactics a little bit.

423
00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:26,957
I remember, the tactics she told me,
I physically can't even execute.

424
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:29,626
She was like,
"If your attacker gets you on the ground,

425
00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:31,086
gouge his eyes out."

426
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:32,379
What the fuck?

427
00:19:33,213 --> 00:19:35,883
I can't even open a package from Amazon...

428
00:19:36,633 --> 00:19:38,468
without getting a paper cut.

429
00:19:38,552 --> 00:19:42,181
I can hardly get a straw in a Capri Sun,
so...

430
00:19:42,931 --> 00:19:45,434
I'm not sure this tactic is for me.

431
00:19:46,059 --> 00:19:47,561
None of it was pragmatic.

432
00:19:47,644 --> 00:19:49,747
She said to us,
"Never get in an elevator with a man."

433
00:19:49,771 --> 00:19:51,440
"Bitch, have you ever had a job?

434
00:19:52,649 --> 00:19:54,443
Have you ever seen
an office building before?

435
00:19:54,526 --> 00:19:56,945
It's basically a bunch of elevators
full of men."

436
00:19:57,571 --> 00:19:59,852
If I didn't get in an elevator
every time a man was in it,

437
00:19:59,907 --> 00:20:02,552
I'd constantly look like I was trying
to get into a double Dutch game.

438
00:20:02,576 --> 00:20:04,161
[audience laughing]

439
00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:07,164
"It's fine. Just go.

440
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,751
You go. Okay, I'll just quit.

441
00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:12,752
No."

442
00:20:16,632 --> 00:20:19,593
We have to be able to get into elevators
with men.

443
00:20:19,676 --> 00:20:20,719
We have jobs now.

444
00:20:20,802 --> 00:20:23,865
But I know that's a very sketchy thing
to do and I know it could be dangerous,

445
00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:26,225
so now,
when I get in an elevator with a man,

446
00:20:26,308 --> 00:20:29,186
I just try to make myself as unattractive
as possible.

447
00:20:29,728 --> 00:20:32,105
So I just hit all the buttons...

448
00:20:32,856 --> 00:20:35,234
so that we're instantly
in a long-term relationship

449
00:20:35,317 --> 00:20:37,569
and he's completely disgusted by me.

450
00:20:38,445 --> 00:20:40,989
I'm like, "You want me, you've got me...

451
00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:44,284
for 36 more floors

452
00:20:44,368 --> 00:20:47,037
and I want to talk about The Bachelor."

453
00:20:47,412 --> 00:20:49,581
[audience laughing, applause]

454
00:20:52,626 --> 00:20:54,253
- Huh.
- [audience member] Woo!

455
00:20:54,836 --> 00:20:57,089
I used to carry Mace.
I don't carry Mace anymore,

456
00:20:57,172 --> 00:20:59,341
because I find the packaging
way too patronizing.

457
00:20:59,466 --> 00:21:02,346
When you try to buy Mace as a woman,
they sell you Mace in a pink bottle.

458
00:21:02,761 --> 00:21:04,137
I'm trying to look scary.

459
00:21:04,888 --> 00:21:06,223
I'm trying to look menacing.

460
00:21:06,306 --> 00:21:10,519
Don't give me something that looks like
a toy out of Dora the Explorer's backpack.

461
00:21:10,602 --> 00:21:13,230
"Mm, Swiper, no swiping.

462
00:21:13,814 --> 00:21:17,109
Mm, don't even think about it. Meh!"

463
00:21:17,818 --> 00:21:20,153
Not really the vibe I'm going for.

464
00:21:21,989 --> 00:21:24,950
A lot of my girl friends talk about
how, when they walk to their car,

465
00:21:25,033 --> 00:21:27,202
they put a key in between their fingers.

466
00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:29,955
Yeah, but they don't even make
metal car keys anymore.

467
00:21:30,038 --> 00:21:32,916
The new car keys
are those little plastic remotes,

468
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:35,320
so that's a conspiracy.
Think about that shit for a minute.

469
00:21:36,461 --> 00:21:40,132
The one weapon we have
has been taken from us.

470
00:21:40,841 --> 00:21:43,844
So now I've got to use my mailbox key...

471
00:21:44,636 --> 00:21:45,887
like an asshole.

472
00:21:46,722 --> 00:21:48,598
A little shitty Wolverine.

473
00:21:50,434 --> 00:21:52,894
Could you come forward a fucking inch?

474
00:21:52,978 --> 00:21:55,564
[audience laughing, applause]

475
00:21:55,939 --> 00:21:57,774
A little shitty Wolverine.

476
00:21:58,817 --> 00:22:02,195
I'm just kind of tickling my attacker
at this point.

477
00:22:03,030 --> 00:22:05,615
Just kind of delicately caressing him.

478
00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:10,162
It's kind of bringing him to climax
at this point.

479
00:22:11,955 --> 00:22:15,500
You look like a villain in an '80s movie,
just FYI.

480
00:22:19,129 --> 00:22:21,214
It's no joke out there. It's no...

481
00:22:21,298 --> 00:22:24,092
I have a girl friend,
she carries a Taser with her.

482
00:22:24,176 --> 00:22:26,386
But Google, "Taser for women."
It's even more insulting.

483
00:22:26,470 --> 00:22:29,681
They try to sell you a Taser
that looks like a tube of lipstick.

484
00:22:29,765 --> 00:22:31,767
It's disguised as a tube of lipstick.

485
00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:33,393
You're supposed to fool your attacker.

486
00:22:33,477 --> 00:22:36,021
The only person that's going to fool
is fucking me.

487
00:22:36,104 --> 00:22:37,439
[audience laughing]

488
00:22:37,522 --> 00:22:39,566
I'm not falling for that racket.

489
00:22:40,067 --> 00:22:42,194
I argue,
the best weapon against an attacker,

490
00:22:42,277 --> 00:22:45,155
not lipstick Taser, not Taser,
just regular lipstick.

491
00:22:45,238 --> 00:22:46,878
Red lipstick. Put it in your back pocket.

492
00:22:46,907 --> 00:22:48,825
Any time a guy's hovering,
creeping around,

493
00:22:48,909 --> 00:22:50,549
just take it out and start putting it on.

494
00:22:50,577 --> 00:22:53,288
Just be like... [imitating monkey]

495
00:22:53,455 --> 00:22:54,831
"Is that what you want?

496
00:22:54,956 --> 00:22:57,709
Ah-ahh!

497
00:22:58,001 --> 00:23:01,588
[panting savagely]

498
00:23:01,838 --> 00:23:05,133
[guttural] You wanna fuck this clown?"

499
00:23:05,217 --> 00:23:07,219
[applause]

500
00:23:09,137 --> 00:23:12,432
[panting loudly]

501
00:23:14,684 --> 00:23:17,145
Sometimes you've just got to
out-weird your attacker.

502
00:23:18,021 --> 00:23:19,940
You've just got to make it
not worth it to them.

503
00:23:20,023 --> 00:23:21,858
You know, he's going to be like, "Uh...

504
00:23:23,443 --> 00:23:24,945
You're good. You're good.

505
00:23:25,028 --> 00:23:28,490
You run along. You have a good night.
Leave it. She's one of us. Leave it."

506
00:23:28,573 --> 00:23:30,033
[audience laughing]

507
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:36,206
I think you guys just might not know
how dangerous the world is for us.

508
00:23:36,289 --> 00:23:38,726
You guys just don't have
the same experience out in the world.

509
00:23:38,750 --> 00:23:40,978
Your biggest fear
when you walk to your car tonight, sir,

510
00:23:41,002 --> 00:23:42,282
is there's going to be a ticket.

511
00:23:42,546 --> 00:23:44,089
[audience laughs]

512
00:23:44,256 --> 00:23:45,632
That's scary shit.

513
00:23:46,341 --> 00:23:49,970
Our biggest fear when we walk to our car
is there's going to be a dick...

514
00:23:50,679 --> 00:23:52,389
attached to a criminal...

515
00:23:53,348 --> 00:23:54,599
named Jeffrey...

516
00:23:54,683 --> 00:23:56,435
[audience laughs]

517
00:23:56,518 --> 00:23:58,395
...waiting for us.

518
00:23:59,688 --> 00:24:01,606
You guys are cool,
you're not getting defensive.

519
00:24:01,690 --> 00:24:03,733
Sometimes guys get defensive
and that's never good.

520
00:24:03,817 --> 00:24:05,819
I had a guy come up to me
after a show recently

521
00:24:05,902 --> 00:24:08,405
and he was like,
"Hey, this isn't really very fair.

522
00:24:08,488 --> 00:24:12,325
We offer to walk you gals to your cars
all the time."

523
00:24:13,326 --> 00:24:15,454
I was like, "Yeah, you do.

524
00:24:17,038 --> 00:24:18,038
Why?

525
00:24:18,373 --> 00:24:19,458
[audience laughs]

526
00:24:20,041 --> 00:24:23,003
So you can try and fuck us. That's why."

527
00:24:23,086 --> 00:24:24,713
[audience laughing, applause]

528
00:24:24,838 --> 00:24:26,423
Those are our options.

529
00:24:26,923 --> 00:24:28,884
Get murdered by a stranger

530
00:24:28,967 --> 00:24:31,678
or dry humped by my "chaperone"...

531
00:24:32,637 --> 00:24:34,764
against my car that I pay for.

532
00:24:34,848 --> 00:24:35,932
Cool.

533
00:24:36,516 --> 00:24:39,561
Not really chivalry
if we owe you at the end.

534
00:24:42,606 --> 00:24:45,126
It's hard to talk about this stuff
without coming off too angry.

535
00:24:45,150 --> 00:24:47,694
I don't want to come off angry
or anti-man.

536
00:24:47,777 --> 00:24:50,989
I am not. I'm engaged to a man.
I'm going to marry a man.

537
00:24:51,072 --> 00:24:52,574
[audience cheering]

538
00:24:52,949 --> 00:24:53,949
I mean...

539
00:24:54,451 --> 00:24:55,409
we'll see.

540
00:24:55,410 --> 00:24:56,912
[audience laughs]

541
00:24:57,579 --> 00:24:58,747
I love him very much,

542
00:24:58,830 --> 00:25:01,726
but when we talk about this stuff,
sometimes the conversations get awkward

543
00:25:01,750 --> 00:25:03,960
because he hasn't had a lot of trauma
in his life.

544
00:25:04,044 --> 00:25:06,880
We have a very different definition
of the concept of trauma

545
00:25:06,963 --> 00:25:09,257
and sometimes
it makes our conversations weird.

546
00:25:09,341 --> 00:25:12,719
One time, we were talking about bad things
that had happened to us in our childhoods

547
00:25:12,802 --> 00:25:14,554
and I'm going on and on and on...

548
00:25:14,638 --> 00:25:15,931
[mutters]

549
00:25:16,306 --> 00:25:17,264
He cuts me off.

550
00:25:17,265 --> 00:25:20,644
He goes, "You know, something really
messed up happened to me when I was five."

551
00:25:21,102 --> 00:25:23,146
And I was like,
"Oh, my God, baby, what happened?"

552
00:25:23,396 --> 00:25:25,023
He goes, "When I was five,

553
00:25:25,106 --> 00:25:29,110
I woke up on Christmas Eve
and I saw my dad wrapping gifts."

554
00:25:29,236 --> 00:25:31,238
[audience laughing]

555
00:25:38,537 --> 00:25:41,957
And I was like, "And then he fucked you?"

556
00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:43,875
[audience laughing]

557
00:25:50,715 --> 00:25:53,802
He was like, "That's when I found out
there's no Santa Claus."

558
00:25:54,511 --> 00:25:58,014
I was like, "Oh, okay. Oh.
That's your definition of struggle?

559
00:25:58,098 --> 00:26:00,058
You thought one guy
was giving you presents

560
00:26:00,141 --> 00:26:03,436
and then you found out another guy
was giving you the exact same presents."

561
00:26:04,062 --> 00:26:07,065
You realize girls are thrilled
when we find out there's no Santa Claus?

562
00:26:07,148 --> 00:26:10,148
We're like, "Thank God I don't have to
sit on that weirdo's lap at the mall.

563
00:26:10,735 --> 00:26:12,487
I always thought that was sketchy."

564
00:26:14,656 --> 00:26:16,575
He's not afraid of anything.
It's unbelievable.

565
00:26:16,658 --> 00:26:17,659
Nothing scares this guy.

566
00:26:17,742 --> 00:26:19,702
One time, we were walking
down my street at night.

567
00:26:19,744 --> 00:26:22,789
There's a man I've never seen before
standing at the window of a house

568
00:26:22,872 --> 00:26:24,749
staring out at the street like this.

569
00:26:26,293 --> 00:26:28,169
So I'm like, "Let's call the police.
Let's go."

570
00:26:28,753 --> 00:26:31,506
He goes, "Babe, calm down.
He probably just sold the house

571
00:26:31,590 --> 00:26:33,925
and he's waiting for the realtor
to bring him his check."

572
00:26:34,092 --> 00:26:36,094
[audience laughing]

573
00:26:40,765 --> 00:26:42,892
"I'm sorry. Th-th-that's what you see?

574
00:26:43,935 --> 00:26:47,439
That's what you make of this scenario?
Okay.

575
00:26:47,522 --> 00:26:53,278
So I see Dexter and you see a millionaire
having a great day.

576
00:26:54,529 --> 00:26:56,865
It must be nice
to just go through life like that."

577
00:26:58,199 --> 00:26:59,576
[audience laughing]

578
00:26:59,659 --> 00:27:00,702
He's like, "Yeah.

579
00:27:01,828 --> 00:27:03,830
The guy just sold his house,
sounds awesome."

580
00:27:05,290 --> 00:27:07,727
It's hard to talk to my girl friends
about this stuff as well,

581
00:27:07,751 --> 00:27:09,169
because they're just so excited.

582
00:27:09,252 --> 00:27:11,171
I think women are getting so excited
right now.

583
00:27:11,254 --> 00:27:14,275
I think we just have to manage our
expectations, because we have to remember,

584
00:27:14,299 --> 00:27:16,926
any time there was real progress
for women in history,

585
00:27:17,010 --> 00:27:19,304
there was some kind
of technological advance

586
00:27:19,387 --> 00:27:21,514
that took over the chores
that women did in the home

587
00:27:21,598 --> 00:27:23,078
so women could move outside the home.

588
00:27:23,141 --> 00:27:25,185
Dishwashers, vacuum cleaners.

589
00:27:25,268 --> 00:27:27,562
For this truly to be a moment of progress
for women,

590
00:27:27,646 --> 00:27:30,106
there'd have to be
some kind of technological advance

591
00:27:30,190 --> 00:27:32,984
that took over the chores
women are currently doing in the home,

592
00:27:33,068 --> 00:27:34,444
which brings me to the sex robots.

593
00:27:34,527 --> 00:27:35,527
Who's excited?

594
00:27:35,570 --> 00:27:37,364
[audience cheers]

595
00:27:37,447 --> 00:27:39,199
I cannot fucking wait.

596
00:27:39,949 --> 00:27:42,285
I'm a very busy person.
I would love for the day to come

597
00:27:42,369 --> 00:27:45,163
where I could be like, "Babe,
I'm very tired. Please go fuck R2-D2.

598
00:27:45,246 --> 00:27:46,246
I've got to...

599
00:27:47,207 --> 00:27:49,668
Mama's got to bang out some emails."

600
00:27:50,543 --> 00:27:52,962
I'm so pro-robot, it's ridiculous.

601
00:27:53,630 --> 00:27:56,299
People are very stressed out
about the sex robots.

602
00:27:56,383 --> 00:27:59,094
I have yet to hear an argument
against them that I buy.

603
00:27:59,177 --> 00:28:01,822
Everyone's like, "Aren't you worried
they're going to replace human women?"

604
00:28:01,846 --> 00:28:02,972
Get the fuck out of here.

605
00:28:03,056 --> 00:28:04,265
[audience laughs]

606
00:28:04,349 --> 00:28:05,629
One of my girl friends was like,

607
00:28:05,684 --> 00:28:07,644
"Aren't you worried
they're going to replace us?"

608
00:28:07,727 --> 00:28:11,648
If you're worried about being replaced
by a giant piece of plastic,

609
00:28:11,731 --> 00:28:15,944
you're not bringing that much
to the table in the first place, so...

610
00:28:16,027 --> 00:28:18,530
- [applause]
- I need you to watch a TED Talk.

611
00:28:18,613 --> 00:28:20,490
Anyway...

612
00:28:21,783 --> 00:28:23,868
Also, they're not going to replace
human women.

613
00:28:23,952 --> 00:28:25,870
That's an insulting argument to women.

614
00:28:25,954 --> 00:28:27,747
If anything,
they will replace blow-up dolls,

615
00:28:27,831 --> 00:28:29,791
which, by the way,
I love that that was a product.

616
00:28:29,874 --> 00:28:35,004
Guys were fucking rafts with eyelashes
and that wasn't freaking anybody out?

617
00:28:35,088 --> 00:28:39,801
This is where we draw the line?
[nasally] Got it, got it, got it.

618
00:28:41,344 --> 00:28:43,388
It's so weird to me
that everyone's so fascinated

619
00:28:43,471 --> 00:28:45,890
about how bad
the sex robots will be for women,

620
00:28:45,974 --> 00:28:48,727
because you know they're making
male sex robots too, right?

621
00:28:49,352 --> 00:28:50,812
Why aren't you guys sweating?

622
00:28:51,688 --> 00:28:53,940
If we get replaced
by the female sex robots,

623
00:28:54,023 --> 00:28:55,817
it'll be a bummer, but, like...

624
00:28:57,318 --> 00:28:58,528
we'll be fine.

625
00:28:58,653 --> 00:29:00,405
[audience laughs]

626
00:29:00,530 --> 00:29:02,657
What the fuck are you guys going to do?

627
00:29:02,949 --> 00:29:04,868
If you get replaced
by the male sex robots,

628
00:29:04,951 --> 00:29:06,711
who's going to force you
to go to the doctor?

629
00:29:06,745 --> 00:29:08,913
You'll all die of sinus infections.

630
00:29:08,997 --> 00:29:10,457
[audience laughs]

631
00:29:10,540 --> 00:29:14,669
You don't even know
where the fricking forks are. You'll die.

632
00:29:18,548 --> 00:29:20,091
I know there are some problems.

633
00:29:20,175 --> 00:29:22,427
I know they need to make some tweaks
to the robots.

634
00:29:22,510 --> 00:29:24,350
I understand,
because I've seen them in person.

635
00:29:24,429 --> 00:29:26,765
First of all, they're gorgeous.

636
00:29:27,307 --> 00:29:30,018
This is a bad idea.
I'm a very jealous person.

637
00:29:30,101 --> 00:29:33,438
I do not want a Scarlett Johansson-ass
looking robot in my house.

638
00:29:33,980 --> 00:29:36,775
I'll tell you this right now,
if they make the robots gorgeous,

639
00:29:36,858 --> 00:29:37,942
there will be a war...

640
00:29:38,443 --> 00:29:40,570
between human women and robot women

641
00:29:40,653 --> 00:29:43,072
and, I swear to God, we will freaking win.

642
00:29:43,198 --> 00:29:44,741
[audience cheers]

643
00:29:45,033 --> 00:29:49,078
I put Barbie dolls in the microwave
till I was 15 years old.

644
00:29:49,829 --> 00:29:51,581
I live to destroy a doll.

645
00:29:51,664 --> 00:29:54,250
I don't care about gadgets.
I don't respect technology.

646
00:29:54,334 --> 00:29:56,711
I'll kick Alexa in the pussy.
I don't give a shit.

647
00:29:57,670 --> 00:29:59,990
A robot tries to take my man,
we're going to have a problem

648
00:30:00,048 --> 00:30:02,300
and I'll be a savage about it, too.
I'll wait.

649
00:30:02,383 --> 00:30:04,636
I'll wait, I'll wait
till you fall in love with her.

650
00:30:05,345 --> 00:30:07,472
- Then I'll kill her.
- [audience laughing]

651
00:30:07,555 --> 00:30:09,595
I'll just push her in the pool.
I don't give a shit.

652
00:30:12,852 --> 00:30:16,648
To me, the solution for the robot anxiety
is so obvious.

653
00:30:16,731 --> 00:30:20,318
They just have to involve women
in the designing of the robots. That's it.

654
00:30:20,401 --> 00:30:24,197
For us to embrace the sex robots,
they just have to benefit us in some way.

655
00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:26,574
Like if a robot is going to have sex
with my man,

656
00:30:26,658 --> 00:30:29,702
it also just has to be able to, like,
make guacamole.

657
00:30:30,745 --> 00:30:34,040
Take an avocado, you just put it
in her mouth. She's just like...

658
00:30:34,123 --> 00:30:36,251
[gagging]

659
00:30:36,334 --> 00:30:38,419
I don't know, I'm not a scientist.
I'm just saying...

660
00:30:39,045 --> 00:30:41,631
if there's a guacamole mode,
we're going to get through this.

661
00:30:42,632 --> 00:30:45,385
I am so confident in my stance on this,

662
00:30:45,468 --> 00:30:48,471
I not only argue that sex robots
are not going to replace human women,

663
00:30:48,555 --> 00:30:51,367
I actually think they're going to
make you guys appreciate us even more.

664
00:30:51,391 --> 00:30:53,351
Here's why.
I've seen them, they have hair.

665
00:30:55,228 --> 00:30:57,188
What the fuck do you guys know
about doing hair?

666
00:30:58,398 --> 00:31:00,358
Nothing. You're going to get your robot.

667
00:31:00,441 --> 00:31:02,944
Day one,
it's going to look like Angelina Jolie.

668
00:31:03,027 --> 00:31:05,071
Two weeks later,
it's going to look like Chucky.

669
00:31:05,154 --> 00:31:07,031
- Then what?
- [audience laughs]

670
00:31:07,156 --> 00:31:08,908
Then what's your big plan, huh?

671
00:31:09,534 --> 00:31:10,910
And you're going to call this guy.

672
00:31:10,994 --> 00:31:13,746
[in dopey voice]
"Baby, will you come do my robot's hair?"

673
00:31:14,539 --> 00:31:17,333
Now I have to come brush
its weird-ass hair.

674
00:31:18,042 --> 00:31:21,754
Then I'm going to get emotionally attached
to it because I'm taking care of it.

675
00:31:22,130 --> 00:31:24,883
Then I'm not going to let you
have sex with it anymore.

676
00:31:25,967 --> 00:31:28,469
Now I just have a giant guacamole machine.

677
00:31:28,553 --> 00:31:30,889
Just another appliance I have to clean.

678
00:31:30,972 --> 00:31:33,558
[chuckling]
I know exactly how this is going to end.

679
00:31:36,019 --> 00:31:38,187
It's interesting that even the arguments

680
00:31:38,271 --> 00:31:41,691
I can see myself being the first
to make against the robots, I don't buy.

681
00:31:41,774 --> 00:31:44,334
The big one I keep hearing is,
"Aren't you worried the sex robots

682
00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:45,920
are going to make men objectify women?"

683
00:31:45,987 --> 00:31:46,904
No.

684
00:31:46,905 --> 00:31:49,032
That's been happening
for thousands of years.

685
00:31:49,115 --> 00:31:51,367
I think, if anything,
we can use the sex robots

686
00:31:51,451 --> 00:31:53,244
to combat the objectification of women.

687
00:31:53,328 --> 00:31:56,497
What if we use the sex robots
to help teach young boys consent?

688
00:31:56,581 --> 00:32:01,419
Think about it. When you learn CPR,
you practice on a doll first.

689
00:32:02,295 --> 00:32:06,466
Anyone else think it's kind of weird
we give teenage boys human girls...

690
00:32:06,966 --> 00:32:08,468
to practice sex on?

691
00:32:09,510 --> 00:32:10,990
I feel like what we could start doing

692
00:32:11,054 --> 00:32:13,389
is, when a kid turns 15,
we give him his own sex robot.

693
00:32:13,473 --> 00:32:14,913
He can do whatever he wants with it.

694
00:32:14,974 --> 00:32:17,810
Four years later, he has to turn it
back in to a committee,

695
00:32:17,894 --> 00:32:21,397
who will evaluate
the condition of the doll.

696
00:32:21,481 --> 00:32:23,483
[applause]

697
00:32:24,317 --> 00:32:27,445
If its butthole is at all stretched out...

698
00:32:28,029 --> 00:32:29,948
[chuckling] you go back to the beginning.

699
00:32:30,031 --> 00:32:31,908
[audience laughs]

700
00:32:31,991 --> 00:32:35,119
I was a little worried at first
that being pro-sex robot

701
00:32:35,203 --> 00:32:37,121
might be an irresponsible take.

702
00:32:37,205 --> 00:32:38,998
What if I'm condoning something weird?

703
00:32:39,082 --> 00:32:41,668
What kind of people buy these things?
Are they psychos, perverts?

704
00:32:41,751 --> 00:32:43,044
So I did want to do my research.

705
00:32:43,127 --> 00:32:46,673
So what I did
was I logged onto a forum, secretly,

706
00:32:46,756 --> 00:32:50,218
of the men that own the most current
version of the sex robots

707
00:32:50,301 --> 00:32:53,179
and I monitored their conversations
for two months.

708
00:32:54,931 --> 00:32:58,184
That's the kind of time I have.

709
00:32:59,352 --> 00:33:02,146
And, look, I thought
they were going to be creeps, psychopaths.

710
00:33:02,230 --> 00:33:05,030
I don't know what to tell you.
They're very lovely men. They're lovely.

711
00:33:05,108 --> 00:33:06,442
They adore their dolls.

712
00:33:06,526 --> 00:33:09,112
They marry their dolls. That is happening.

713
00:33:09,195 --> 00:33:12,073
I know it sounds crazy,
but it is now my dream in life

714
00:33:12,156 --> 00:33:13,950
to go to a sex robot wedding.

715
00:33:14,033 --> 00:33:15,033
That's all I want.

716
00:33:16,077 --> 00:33:18,621
Mostly because I'm dying to see
what a wedding would look like

717
00:33:18,705 --> 00:33:21,290
if it was solely planned by a man.

718
00:33:21,416 --> 00:33:23,126
[audience laughs]

719
00:33:24,711 --> 00:33:27,630
Isn't anyone kind of curious?
The creative choices.

720
00:33:27,714 --> 00:33:30,508
She's just going to come out
in, like, a Dolphins jersey,

721
00:33:30,591 --> 00:33:32,760
like, Air Jordans.

722
00:33:32,844 --> 00:33:36,764
He's dragging her down the aisle
like Weekend At Bernie's, like... [groans]

723
00:33:37,390 --> 00:33:39,392
Like, who sits in the bride's section?

724
00:33:39,475 --> 00:33:42,061
Is it the UPS guy that delivered her?

725
00:33:42,145 --> 00:33:43,730
I just... I have a lot of questions.

726
00:33:46,315 --> 00:33:49,360
After seeing these guys talk
about how much they love their dolls

727
00:33:49,444 --> 00:33:51,404
and share information
about taking care of them,

728
00:33:51,487 --> 00:33:53,927
it's really hard when someone
wants to argue with me about it.

729
00:33:53,990 --> 00:33:56,427
When someone says, "What if these men
start treating human women

730
00:33:56,451 --> 00:33:57,731
the way they treat their dolls?"

731
00:33:57,785 --> 00:34:00,014
I got news for you.
They treat their dolls fucking great.

732
00:34:00,038 --> 00:34:03,958
I actually argue these are the only men
that know how hard it is to be a woman.

733
00:34:04,042 --> 00:34:07,628
They're on the message boards,
like, "Can you believe mascara's $18?"

734
00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:08,838
They get it.

735
00:34:09,464 --> 00:34:10,465
We want this to catch on.

736
00:34:10,548 --> 00:34:12,759
If guys start buying make-up,
the price will go down.

737
00:34:12,842 --> 00:34:15,762
If guys start buying eye shadow,
it's going to be, like, $2 at Home Depot,

738
00:34:15,803 --> 00:34:18,639
so let's get this show
on the fucking road.

739
00:34:18,723 --> 00:34:19,723
[applause]

740
00:34:19,724 --> 00:34:22,018
This is what it has to come to.

741
00:34:24,020 --> 00:34:26,731
I don't know. I did a total 180.
I thought they would be weirdos.

742
00:34:26,814 --> 00:34:29,942
But now, I tell you, if I was single,
I would date a doll guy.

743
00:34:30,026 --> 00:34:32,111
I'm going to say...
They have the skills I need.

744
00:34:32,195 --> 00:34:35,323
They can do eyebrows.
They can do women's nails.

745
00:34:35,406 --> 00:34:39,160
Okay? They can fully dress their doll
while she's lying down.

746
00:34:39,243 --> 00:34:40,536
That's what I need in a man.

747
00:34:41,412 --> 00:34:44,457
A man who can fully change my clothes
while I'm sleeping.

748
00:34:44,540 --> 00:34:45,750
That is a time-saver.

749
00:34:45,833 --> 00:34:49,629
Alarm goes off, out the fucking door
in my Crocs and mini-skirt.

750
00:34:49,962 --> 00:34:51,339
#GirlBoss.

751
00:34:52,256 --> 00:34:53,424
[audience member] Woo!

752
00:34:54,842 --> 00:34:55,842
So interesting.

753
00:34:55,885 --> 00:34:58,596
I'm on these boards
and I did come across something

754
00:34:58,679 --> 00:34:59,972
that I do not condone.

755
00:35:00,056 --> 00:35:05,019
Some of the guys were trying to design
and 3D print their own robot at home.

756
00:35:05,103 --> 00:35:06,437
No, no.

757
00:35:06,521 --> 00:35:10,149
You guys cannot design your own
female body. That would be a disaster.

758
00:35:10,233 --> 00:35:13,319
They would all just have like nine boobs
across their chest.

759
00:35:13,402 --> 00:35:15,530
The belly button would be a bottle opener.

760
00:35:16,030 --> 00:35:18,866
Their face would just be Joe Rogan.
It's a bad idea.

761
00:35:20,034 --> 00:35:21,869
[chuckling] It's a copyright issue.

762
00:35:23,579 --> 00:35:27,792
I did get final confirmation that
the robots are not going to replace us

763
00:35:27,875 --> 00:35:29,127
in kind of a weird way.

764
00:35:29,418 --> 00:35:32,839
So when guys order a robot,
they post photos online

765
00:35:32,922 --> 00:35:36,551
of the robot being built in the factory,
right? These weird-ass photos.

766
00:35:36,634 --> 00:35:40,054
So I'm looking in the background,
trying to find clues and, you know...

767
00:35:40,138 --> 00:35:44,642
And I see that women are actually
building the faces of the dolls.

768
00:35:44,725 --> 00:35:46,853
Interesting. Put a pin in that.

769
00:35:47,228 --> 00:35:48,688
We're going to circle back.

770
00:35:49,564 --> 00:35:50,815
Because then I saw a thread

771
00:35:50,898 --> 00:35:54,318
where guys were complaining
about the struggles they were having

772
00:35:54,402 --> 00:35:56,445
in their doll relationships.

773
00:35:56,946 --> 00:35:59,657
One of the threads was titled,

774
00:35:59,740 --> 00:36:05,538
"Does anyone else struggle with,
when receiving oral from their doll...

775
00:36:06,289 --> 00:36:08,082
her eyes pop out?"

776
00:36:08,207 --> 00:36:10,209
[audience laughing]

777
00:36:15,882 --> 00:36:18,551
Then I thought about the women
making the dolls.

778
00:36:18,634 --> 00:36:20,970
These bitches have our backs.

779
00:36:21,053 --> 00:36:23,055
[audience cheering, applauding]

780
00:36:25,850 --> 00:36:27,602
That's a very easy thing to fix.

781
00:36:27,685 --> 00:36:30,479
They're in the factories like,
"You know what would be hilarious?

782
00:36:30,563 --> 00:36:32,899
We should do it. We have to do it.
Let's just do it."

783
00:36:35,067 --> 00:36:38,404
So once I found out
there was a sex robot factory,

784
00:36:38,487 --> 00:36:40,489
I obviously had to go.

785
00:36:40,573 --> 00:36:42,992
Here's why I went
to the sex robot factory.

786
00:36:43,075 --> 00:36:45,077
I am fascinated by the question,

787
00:36:45,161 --> 00:36:46,871
is this impossible standard of beauty

788
00:36:46,954 --> 00:36:49,081
that women are killing themselves
to try to achieve,

789
00:36:49,165 --> 00:36:50,708
is that even what all men want?

790
00:36:50,791 --> 00:36:52,919
I am delighted to report back...

791
00:36:53,377 --> 00:36:55,254
that the answer is no.

792
00:36:55,671 --> 00:36:59,800
Not only did half of the dolls
that were ordered have pubic hair,

793
00:36:59,884 --> 00:37:03,721
the customers spend
an extra $1,400 for it.

794
00:37:03,804 --> 00:37:06,891
I spent $1,400 getting mine lasered off.

795
00:37:06,974 --> 00:37:07,975
This is proof...

796
00:37:08,517 --> 00:37:10,311
we are not communicating.

797
00:37:11,229 --> 00:37:14,649
We've got to start talking to each other,
you guys. It will save us money.

798
00:37:16,275 --> 00:37:17,275
But that wasn't enough.

799
00:37:17,276 --> 00:37:19,836
I still wanted to see what they were doing
with the robot bodies.

800
00:37:19,862 --> 00:37:22,222
What if they were making
these impossible to achieve bodies?

801
00:37:22,281 --> 00:37:23,532
That would be bad for society.

802
00:37:23,616 --> 00:37:25,117
I especially wanted to see the boobs,

803
00:37:25,201 --> 00:37:27,995
because, in my head, every guy
wants the same kind of boob, right?

804
00:37:28,079 --> 00:37:31,165
Giant DD, a little tiny, perky nipple.

805
00:37:31,832 --> 00:37:32,875
No, no.

806
00:37:33,417 --> 00:37:35,294
There's a wall of nipples.

807
00:37:35,378 --> 00:37:37,088
38 different kinds.

808
00:37:37,171 --> 00:37:39,840
One of the most popular, oblong.

809
00:37:39,924 --> 00:37:43,052
One of them looked like a piece of caramel
fell on the floor. Best seller!

810
00:37:43,135 --> 00:37:44,345
[audience laughing]

811
00:37:44,428 --> 00:37:45,638
Great news, ladies.

812
00:37:45,721 --> 00:37:50,935
Whatever shape your nipple, there is a man
out there who will pay top dollar!

813
00:37:54,730 --> 00:37:56,232
So I found this fascinating

814
00:37:56,315 --> 00:38:00,152
and I start talking to the guy who puts
the nipples on the robots, right?

815
00:38:00,820 --> 00:38:03,823
It takes him 24 hours
to put on one pair of nipples.

816
00:38:03,906 --> 00:38:05,106
I'm like, "What's the problem?

817
00:38:05,157 --> 00:38:07,118
Mr. Potato Head that shit.
Pah! Pah! Let's go."

818
00:38:07,910 --> 00:38:10,371
He said it's actually
a very meticulous process,

819
00:38:10,454 --> 00:38:13,457
because they work very hard
to make sure the nipples are uneven,

820
00:38:13,541 --> 00:38:16,877
because, for something to look human,
it has to have flaws.

821
00:38:16,961 --> 00:38:20,047
If something is too symmetrical,
it actually looks creepy.

822
00:38:20,464 --> 00:38:23,259
Take that, Ryan Gosling's face.

823
00:38:23,342 --> 00:38:24,385
[audience laughs]

824
00:38:27,054 --> 00:38:29,015
That was great news for me.

825
00:38:29,098 --> 00:38:30,850
And you guys might know why.

826
00:38:30,933 --> 00:38:32,213
Some of you might not know this,

827
00:38:32,268 --> 00:38:35,062
but I had eating disorders
until I was in my late 20s

828
00:38:35,146 --> 00:38:37,857
and, as a result,
my boobs grew in different sizes.

829
00:38:37,940 --> 00:38:40,585
That's a side effect for people
who have eating disorders sometimes.

830
00:38:40,609 --> 00:38:42,361
Your boobs grow in
a little bit differently.

831
00:38:42,445 --> 00:38:45,156
I had to get three surgeries
to get them straightened out.

832
00:38:45,239 --> 00:38:48,951
One was bigger than the other one.
One was higher than the other one. They...

833
00:38:49,910 --> 00:38:52,538
They looked like
from the same general family.

834
00:38:52,621 --> 00:38:55,499
One was just like a shittier version
of the other one.

835
00:38:55,583 --> 00:38:58,002
It was like Alec Baldwin
and Stephen Baldwin.

836
00:38:59,545 --> 00:39:02,340
I kind of just wanted two Stephens,
you know?

837
00:39:04,550 --> 00:39:06,552
[audience laughing]

838
00:39:06,844 --> 00:39:09,305
Or two Alecs.
I'll take either at this point.

839
00:39:09,930 --> 00:39:11,974
And I was always so embarrassed
about that.

840
00:39:12,058 --> 00:39:15,603
Before I'd get with a guy, I felt like
I had to explain what he was about to see,

841
00:39:15,686 --> 00:39:17,396
I'd have to prepare him, you know.

842
00:39:17,480 --> 00:39:19,565
I'd be like, "Do you like baseball

843
00:39:19,648 --> 00:39:21,067
and golf?

844
00:39:22,234 --> 00:39:24,236
Do you like young women

845
00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:25,988
and old men?

846
00:39:27,448 --> 00:39:29,450
[chuckling] You don't have to choose.

847
00:39:30,618 --> 00:39:32,745
Big Salvador Dali fan?"

848
00:39:32,828 --> 00:39:34,413
[audience laughs]

849
00:39:34,497 --> 00:39:39,001
So the tragic irony of this whole thing
is that they're still not even,

850
00:39:39,085 --> 00:39:42,171
because one of the surgeons made a mistake
and they cut through a muscle.

851
00:39:42,755 --> 00:39:46,509
I know.
Never get an operation by the airport.

852
00:39:47,843 --> 00:39:50,346
A red flag I feel like
I probably should have saw.

853
00:39:51,013 --> 00:39:53,766
And I hated them
for the last couple of years.

854
00:39:53,849 --> 00:39:56,352
I hated them because I felt ashamed.

855
00:39:56,435 --> 00:39:59,688
My whole thing is, you know,
accept who you are, love your body,

856
00:39:59,772 --> 00:40:02,125
and I felt like a hypocrite
because I had these implants in.

857
00:40:02,149 --> 00:40:05,569
So I resented having all that work done
for the longest time,

858
00:40:05,653 --> 00:40:08,781
until a couple of years ago when I got
in a really bad snowboarding accident

859
00:40:08,864 --> 00:40:10,366
and I broke my shoulder.

860
00:40:10,449 --> 00:40:12,201
And I go into the surgeon and he's like,

861
00:40:12,284 --> 00:40:15,138
"I don't understand. This injury
makes no sense. I see this all the time.

862
00:40:15,162 --> 00:40:16,831
When people fall forward on a snowboard,

863
00:40:16,914 --> 00:40:18,791
they break their nose,
they get a concussion.

864
00:40:18,874 --> 00:40:21,502
You only broke your shoulder.
How did this happen?"

865
00:40:22,545 --> 00:40:24,713
And, in that moment, I realized...

866
00:40:25,756 --> 00:40:27,925
that I bounced off my tits.

867
00:40:28,050 --> 00:40:30,344
[audience laughing, applause]

868
00:40:34,348 --> 00:40:36,475
And that my fake tits saved my life.

869
00:40:38,936 --> 00:40:43,441
So I'm having, like, a therapeutic moment
at the sex robot factory.

870
00:40:43,524 --> 00:40:46,124
I've been in 12-step programs.
I've been in therapy for ten years.

871
00:40:46,193 --> 00:40:48,696
I'm having the most emotional progress
that I've had.

872
00:40:48,779 --> 00:40:49,905
And I'm talking to this guy.

873
00:40:49,989 --> 00:40:52,669
I'm like, "I don't understand
why people are so against the robots."

874
00:40:52,700 --> 00:40:55,035
What if we use the robots
to make women's lives better?

875
00:40:55,119 --> 00:40:56,839
What if every woman
has her own robot clone?

876
00:40:56,912 --> 00:40:59,623
Think of all the things you can do with it
to make your life safer.

877
00:40:59,707 --> 00:41:02,507
Before you walk to your car at night,
you can send it out ahead of you.

878
00:41:02,543 --> 00:41:04,253
[audience laughing]

879
00:41:04,420 --> 00:41:08,048
Like a decoy. You know how penguins
push other penguins off cliffs, you know?

880
00:41:08,841 --> 00:41:11,343
Like, "Oh oh! They got her.
Okay. I'm going to just...

881
00:41:12,720 --> 00:41:13,762
take an Uber."

882
00:41:15,848 --> 00:41:19,310
I really think the sex robots
would solve so many of our problems.

883
00:41:19,393 --> 00:41:22,146
I keep reading about gray areas,
like mixed signals,

884
00:41:22,229 --> 00:41:23,355
where two people have sex,

885
00:41:23,439 --> 00:41:26,525
the next day the girl feels weird
about it, but the guy doesn't understand.

886
00:41:26,609 --> 00:41:27,776
He thought she was into it.

887
00:41:27,860 --> 00:41:31,071
You might not know this, but sometimes
we have sex with you before we're ready,

888
00:41:31,155 --> 00:41:34,074
because we feel guilty,
because we've been conditioned to believe

889
00:41:34,158 --> 00:41:36,470
that, if we make out with you,
but don't have sex with you,

890
00:41:36,494 --> 00:41:38,996
that your balls will, like, explode.

891
00:41:39,079 --> 00:41:42,166
Blue goo all over the ceiling.

892
00:41:42,249 --> 00:41:45,211
And then you'll be handicapped
for the rest of your life.

893
00:41:45,711 --> 00:41:47,004
You'll never walk again.

894
00:41:47,087 --> 00:41:50,049
So we feel bad
and then we feel ooky the next day.

895
00:41:50,132 --> 00:41:52,468
If we all have sex robots,
that whole dynamic goes away.

896
00:41:52,551 --> 00:41:54,031
If you and I make out for 20 minutes,

897
00:41:54,094 --> 00:41:56,013
but I'm not ready to have sex with you,

898
00:41:56,096 --> 00:41:58,599
I can just say,
"Hey, look, I am not there yet...

899
00:41:59,391 --> 00:42:00,391
but...

900
00:42:01,018 --> 00:42:05,105
I do have a very flexible
piece of Tupperware in the other room.

901
00:42:06,148 --> 00:42:09,068
It looks exactly like me
without the ability to criticize you.

902
00:42:09,151 --> 00:42:12,112
I think you're going to love it."

903
00:42:14,448 --> 00:42:16,700
So I'm talking about this on stage
for a couple of months

904
00:42:16,784 --> 00:42:19,453
and people want to come up to me
and argue with me about this.

905
00:42:19,537 --> 00:42:20,704
Very hardcore.

906
00:42:20,788 --> 00:42:22,148
This group of people came up to me

907
00:42:22,206 --> 00:42:24,684
and they're like, "I cannot believe
that you're condoning this.

908
00:42:24,708 --> 00:42:27,753
What if people start to mistreat
their robots?"

909
00:42:30,756 --> 00:42:32,341
I don't give a fuck.

910
00:42:33,300 --> 00:42:34,217
How about that?

911
00:42:34,218 --> 00:42:37,263
On my list of shit I have to worry about,

912
00:42:37,346 --> 00:42:40,099
that doesn't break the top 2,000 things.

913
00:42:40,182 --> 00:42:41,502
You know what I am worried about?

914
00:42:41,559 --> 00:42:42,851
I am worried that, as a species,

915
00:42:42,935 --> 00:42:45,729
we are now more emotionally attached
to machines

916
00:42:45,813 --> 00:42:47,565
than actual human beings.

917
00:42:47,648 --> 00:42:50,526
Have you ever seen someone
drop their cell phone in water?

918
00:42:50,734 --> 00:42:53,320
[screams]

919
00:42:53,946 --> 00:42:56,657
Same person that,
when they see a starving child

920
00:42:56,740 --> 00:42:59,118
in a television commercial,
they'll be like... [sucks teeth]

921
00:42:59,201 --> 00:43:01,453
[huffs, in nasally voice]
"What else is on?"

922
00:43:02,121 --> 00:43:03,956
But when there is a phone in water,

923
00:43:04,039 --> 00:43:06,542
they're like,
"Get the rice! Get the rice!"

924
00:43:06,625 --> 00:43:08,586
When you see the starving child,

925
00:43:08,669 --> 00:43:12,089
that's when you should be like,
"Get the rice! Get the rice!"

926
00:43:13,215 --> 00:43:14,800
[applause]

927
00:43:17,344 --> 00:43:20,681
We give food to our phones.

928
00:43:22,224 --> 00:43:24,104
So I'm talking to the guy
that makes the robots.

929
00:43:24,184 --> 00:43:26,288
I'm like, "I have thought through
all these arguments,

930
00:43:26,312 --> 00:43:28,063
I legitimately cannot think of a reason

931
00:43:28,147 --> 00:43:29,732
to be afraid of the robots."

932
00:43:29,815 --> 00:43:31,859
And he said, "This is the real concern."

933
00:43:31,942 --> 00:43:35,863
He said, "The real concern with the robots
is they're going to get so smart

934
00:43:35,946 --> 00:43:38,699
that they're going to learn
to override our commands."

935
00:43:38,782 --> 00:43:40,034
I was like, "Oh, shit."

936
00:43:40,117 --> 00:43:41,410
[audience laughs]

937
00:43:41,577 --> 00:43:43,996
Okay, that sounds scary.
That sounds very scary.

938
00:43:44,246 --> 00:43:45,606
Then I was thinking about it more.

939
00:43:45,664 --> 00:43:49,251
I was like, "Wait, we already have robots.
Our phones are basically robots, right?"

940
00:43:49,335 --> 00:43:53,547
And my biggest problem in life is that
my phone actually does what I tell it to.

941
00:43:53,631 --> 00:43:56,467
I need a phone that overrides my commands.

942
00:43:56,550 --> 00:43:57,635
I need a phone that's like,

943
00:43:57,718 --> 00:44:01,263
"No, bitch, we're not going
to your ex's Instagram again today.

944
00:44:01,347 --> 00:44:05,267
You broke up four years ago. Overruled.

945
00:44:06,602 --> 00:44:10,230
No, you're not buying those tie-dye,
overall, mini shorts.

946
00:44:10,314 --> 00:44:14,360
You're too old for that shit.
akumenang.com

947
00:44:14,485 --> 00:44:15,778
[audience laughs]

948
00:44:15,944 --> 00:44:17,237
That's what I need.

949
00:44:18,280 --> 00:44:20,282
[chuckling]

950
00:44:21,325 --> 00:44:23,285
So I'm talking to the guy
that makes the robots

951
00:44:23,369 --> 00:44:27,456
and he was like, "You know, do you want us
to make a robot with your face on it?"

952
00:44:27,539 --> 00:44:29,416
And I was like, "Ugh, yes!"

953
00:44:30,417 --> 00:44:34,046
I'm actually in the market
for an engagement gift for my fiancé.

954
00:44:35,047 --> 00:44:40,260
So, Washington DC, you are the first crowd
to meet Robot Whitney.

955
00:44:40,344 --> 00:44:42,346
[audience cheering]

956
00:45:06,036 --> 00:45:08,038
[cheering gets louder]

957
00:45:18,882 --> 00:45:21,009
[audience laughing]

958
00:45:23,137 --> 00:45:26,181
So I don't know
if she just looks really human

959
00:45:26,265 --> 00:45:28,642
or if I've just always
looked like a robot...

960
00:45:29,810 --> 00:45:32,813
but I would like you to say hello
to this lovely audience.

961
00:45:33,355 --> 00:45:34,565
Hey, hookers.

962
00:45:34,940 --> 00:45:36,150
[audience laughs]

963
00:45:37,317 --> 00:45:38,861
I had to do it.

964
00:45:39,695 --> 00:45:41,196
I didn't expect this problem,

965
00:45:41,280 --> 00:45:44,199
but it's weirdly hard to name a robot
that looks like you.

966
00:45:44,283 --> 00:45:47,161
Calling her "Robot Whitney"
just sounds too narcissistic.

967
00:45:47,244 --> 00:45:48,871
What should we call you, lady?

968
00:45:49,204 --> 00:45:50,622
Please call me "Bear Claw."

969
00:45:51,206 --> 00:45:54,501
[laughter and applause]

970
00:45:56,128 --> 00:46:00,966
So I thought it would be hilarious
to get this made and give it to my fiancé.

971
00:46:01,842 --> 00:46:02,885
But he hates it.

972
00:46:03,927 --> 00:46:07,097
He's like, "I don't like this.
It's weird. It's creeping me out.

973
00:46:07,181 --> 00:46:09,558
She just, like, stares at me all day."

974
00:46:10,100 --> 00:46:11,911
I'm like, "Oh, really?
Something staring at you,

975
00:46:11,935 --> 00:46:12,936
making you uncomfortable?

976
00:46:13,020 --> 00:46:16,482
Now you know what it's like
to be a woman all the time."

977
00:46:16,899 --> 00:46:19,026
[applause]

978
00:46:19,109 --> 00:46:21,320
You know, that creepy feeling
you have right now,

979
00:46:21,403 --> 00:46:24,239
that's how we feel
when you try to hug us at work.

980
00:46:24,323 --> 00:46:25,323
Same thing.

981
00:46:25,824 --> 00:46:28,327
So I had to go out of town
for a couple of days

982
00:46:28,410 --> 00:46:30,788
and I left my fiancé alone with her
in the house.

983
00:46:32,331 --> 00:46:33,707
Then I came back.

984
00:46:33,791 --> 00:46:36,191
I was like, "So how did it go
with Bear Claw?" He was like...

985
00:46:36,752 --> 00:46:39,713
"I don't like her.
I don't like this thing.

986
00:46:40,380 --> 00:46:42,591
But her boobs feel like boobs."

987
00:46:42,716 --> 00:46:44,718
[audience laughing]

988
00:46:47,513 --> 00:46:49,348
I was like, "Did you fuck my robot?"

989
00:46:50,641 --> 00:46:55,062
I wish I had been a fly on the wall
the moment he decided to touch her boob.

990
00:46:55,145 --> 00:46:57,231
Like he just walked by one day
and was just like...

991
00:47:00,192 --> 00:47:01,693
[audience laughing]

992
00:47:04,321 --> 00:47:06,698
[trilling]

993
00:47:11,036 --> 00:47:13,497
So the whole point of doing this

994
00:47:13,580 --> 00:47:17,084
was to explore the idea
of can robots replace us?

995
00:47:17,167 --> 00:47:18,561
Right? I have a lot of girl friends

996
00:47:18,585 --> 00:47:20,505
who I don't think
would find a problem with that.

997
00:47:20,546 --> 00:47:25,050
All my girl friends, they're expected to
have full-time jobs and do work at home.

998
00:47:25,133 --> 00:47:28,762
Every woman that I know says,
"I need a double. I need a clone."

999
00:47:29,096 --> 00:47:30,430
Look no further.

1000
00:47:30,931 --> 00:47:32,683
I would love for her to replace me.

1001
00:47:32,766 --> 00:47:35,686
I would love for her to get good
at stand-up and tour all over the country

1002
00:47:35,769 --> 00:47:38,981
so I can stay home
and drink rosé all day.

1003
00:47:39,064 --> 00:47:40,399
[audience laughs]

1004
00:47:40,649 --> 00:47:42,609
So, let's see.
Let's see if she can replace me.

1005
00:47:42,693 --> 00:47:44,820
Let's see if Bear Claw here
can make you guys laugh.

1006
00:47:44,903 --> 00:47:47,114
Alright, Bear Claw, tell us a joke.

1007
00:47:47,698 --> 00:47:49,867
Why did the robot cross the road?

1008
00:47:51,034 --> 00:47:52,202
[audience] Why?

1009
00:47:52,286 --> 00:47:54,037
To kill all the humans.

1010
00:47:54,121 --> 00:47:56,123
[audience laughing]

1011
00:47:56,415 --> 00:47:58,041
Ha ha ha, ha ha ha.

1012
00:47:58,125 --> 00:47:59,125
Okay.

1013
00:47:59,877 --> 00:48:01,503
Stop laughing. That's not funny.

1014
00:48:01,587 --> 00:48:04,214
That's... That's not...
She's not a good comedian.

1015
00:48:04,298 --> 00:48:06,049
You're laughing because it's weird.

1016
00:48:06,675 --> 00:48:09,094
You are the one who programmed the joke,
Whitney.

1017
00:48:09,177 --> 00:48:10,262
Okay, that's fair.

1018
00:48:11,763 --> 00:48:14,975
So, I had this crazy epiphany

1019
00:48:15,058 --> 00:48:18,228
when I was programming her
to tell jokes for you guys,

1020
00:48:18,312 --> 00:48:20,230
where I learned a lot
about my own programming.

1021
00:48:20,314 --> 00:48:23,167
Because I realized, when I tell her
to say something, she can just say it

1022
00:48:23,191 --> 00:48:25,152
and I can't do that,
because I'm codependent,

1023
00:48:25,235 --> 00:48:28,280
I'm apologetic. I can't say certain things
because I feel bad.

1024
00:48:28,363 --> 00:48:29,963
I don't want to hurt someone's feelings.

1025
00:48:30,032 --> 00:48:31,533
I don't want them to not like me.

1026
00:48:31,617 --> 00:48:35,245
But she doesn't have that problem,
because she's a sociopath.

1027
00:48:35,329 --> 00:48:36,830
So I'm going to start using her

1028
00:48:36,914 --> 00:48:40,083
to say all the things that I can't say
in conversations.

1029
00:48:40,167 --> 00:48:41,167
Watch this.

1030
00:48:41,668 --> 00:48:45,213
No, I do not want to hear about
the dream you had last night.

1031
00:48:45,380 --> 00:48:47,382
[audience laughing]

1032
00:48:47,633 --> 00:48:50,594
You thought it was creepy.
Now you kind of want one.

1033
00:48:50,677 --> 00:48:52,387
Look what else she can say.

1034
00:48:52,721 --> 00:48:55,724
No, I do not want to be your bridesmaid.

1035
00:48:56,141 --> 00:48:58,060
[audience laughs]

1036
00:48:59,144 --> 00:49:01,313
And my personal favorite.

1037
00:49:02,105 --> 00:49:04,900
I do not care about your gluten allergy.

1038
00:49:04,983 --> 00:49:07,694
[laughter and applause]

1039
00:49:12,032 --> 00:49:13,075
I love you so much.

1040
00:49:15,118 --> 00:49:18,914
And I realized that women,
we are so conditioned to feel shame

1041
00:49:18,997 --> 00:49:22,250
about asking for what we want, right?
And we feel shame about being ambitious.

1042
00:49:22,334 --> 00:49:25,128
She doesn't have that programming.
Look what else she can say.

1043
00:49:25,629 --> 00:49:26,755
I deserve a raise.

1044
00:49:27,422 --> 00:49:29,424
[audience cheering]

1045
00:49:30,634 --> 00:49:33,220
Say it again for the people in the back.

1046
00:49:34,054 --> 00:49:35,931
I deserve a raise, motherfucker.

1047
00:49:36,014 --> 00:49:37,641
Too far. That's too far.

1048
00:49:38,350 --> 00:49:40,268
That's called entitlement.

1049
00:49:42,020 --> 00:49:43,563
I'm going to start substituting her in

1050
00:49:43,647 --> 00:49:45,649
to a lot of conversations
that I can't handle.

1051
00:49:45,732 --> 00:49:47,150
Especially in my relationship.

1052
00:49:47,234 --> 00:49:49,403
I do not do well in fights with my fiancé.

1053
00:49:49,486 --> 00:49:51,279
So I'm going to start subbing her in

1054
00:49:51,363 --> 00:49:54,074
to say all the things
that I'm incapable of saying.

1055
00:49:54,157 --> 00:49:55,242
Watch this.

1056
00:49:55,325 --> 00:49:56,368
I am sorry.

1057
00:49:56,868 --> 00:49:57,911
I was wrong.

1058
00:49:58,120 --> 00:50:00,122
[audience laughing]

1059
00:50:01,039 --> 00:50:04,042
Not possible
for that to come out of my mouth.

1060
00:50:06,503 --> 00:50:09,256
So I truly did think this was going to be
just like a funny thing

1061
00:50:09,339 --> 00:50:11,818
where she would come out at the end
and say a couple of things.

1062
00:50:11,842 --> 00:50:13,218
But I learned something else

1063
00:50:13,301 --> 00:50:15,762
since I've had her in my house
for the past month.

1064
00:50:15,846 --> 00:50:20,017
And I realized
that I feel guilty putting her away,

1065
00:50:20,225 --> 00:50:21,351
which is bizarre.

1066
00:50:21,435 --> 00:50:24,062
Like I tried to put her in the garage
and I felt bad.

1067
00:50:24,146 --> 00:50:25,355
Which, I know it's ridiculous.

1068
00:50:25,439 --> 00:50:28,567
I know she's just a bunch of wires
and rods and shit,

1069
00:50:28,650 --> 00:50:29,810
but something about the face,

1070
00:50:29,860 --> 00:50:31,486
it... it... it feels human.

1071
00:50:31,570 --> 00:50:33,739
And so that's what we've got to watch.

1072
00:50:33,822 --> 00:50:36,342
Because when I put her in the garage,
I started getting paranoid

1073
00:50:36,366 --> 00:50:39,745
that she was, like, colluding
with my lawn mower to destroy me.

1074
00:50:39,828 --> 00:50:42,664
So I now do understand
the robot paranoia,

1075
00:50:42,748 --> 00:50:45,333
but I think, as a species,
this is happening, okay?

1076
00:50:45,417 --> 00:50:46,918
We've got to be ready for this,

1077
00:50:47,002 --> 00:50:50,005
because, at some point,
they're going to learn how to overrule us

1078
00:50:50,088 --> 00:50:53,258
and, when that happens, we just have to
remember we can always do this.

1079
00:50:54,885 --> 00:50:57,220
[audience cheering, applause]

1080
00:51:00,265 --> 00:51:03,727
Now what? You don't have a body, bitch.

1081
00:51:04,644 --> 00:51:06,813
Now what do you have to say for yourself?

1082
00:51:07,105 --> 00:51:08,899
Would you like some guacamole?

1083
00:51:09,024 --> 00:51:11,026
[audience laughing]

1084
00:51:13,403 --> 00:51:15,405
[audience cheering]

1085
00:51:19,242 --> 00:51:22,287
Thank you, Washington DC!

1086
00:51:22,370 --> 00:51:24,372
[audience roaring]

1087
00:51:43,892 --> 00:51:45,894
[cheering continues]

1088
00:51:50,315 --> 00:51:53,401
[man] Don't move. Hold still.
Don't even breathe.

1089
00:51:53,902 --> 00:51:55,737
Woo! It's like scuba diving.

1090
00:51:58,824 --> 00:51:59,824
Ah!

1091
00:52:02,077 --> 00:52:04,957
[man] Hey, Whitney, is this the longest
you've ever gone without talking?

1092
00:52:05,664 --> 00:52:06,706
[all chuckle]

1093
00:52:07,666 --> 00:52:08,666
[gags]

1094
00:52:08,708 --> 00:52:11,044
This is going in my ear.

1095
00:52:11,878 --> 00:52:12,879
[groans]

1096
00:52:14,464 --> 00:52:16,299
What is happening?

1097
00:52:16,716 --> 00:52:18,997
- [man] Got to get it off.
- I feel like I'm giving birth.

1098
00:52:19,219 --> 00:52:20,470
Aw!

1099
00:52:20,804 --> 00:52:23,014
Ooh!
We got the little boy out of the well.

1100
00:52:23,765 --> 00:52:25,016
[man] Now the other ear.

1101
00:52:28,103 --> 00:52:29,103
It's almost off.

1102
00:52:29,146 --> 00:52:30,313
Oh! [groans]

1103
00:52:31,148 --> 00:52:33,150
- Woo, woo!
- [man] Okay.

1104
00:52:33,650 --> 00:52:34,901
Let me see that fucker.

1105
00:52:36,153 --> 00:52:37,111
This is odd.

1106
00:52:37,112 --> 00:52:38,363
[man] Now we're doing the face.

1107
00:52:38,446 --> 00:52:39,363
Ready?

1108
00:52:39,364 --> 00:52:42,701
Okay, no laughing, no yawning, no puking.

1109
00:52:48,498 --> 00:52:51,626
This was a bad idea.

1110
00:52:52,294 --> 00:52:54,045
[man] Okay, just don't touch it.

1111
00:52:54,129 --> 00:52:56,548
- [woman] Keep wiggling. There you go.
- [man] Keep wiggling.

1112
00:52:56,673 --> 00:52:58,633
- There you go. Right there.
- Oh!

1113
00:52:59,718 --> 00:53:01,595
So you went in and added pores?

1114
00:53:01,678 --> 00:53:04,055
[man] Yeah, that's what you see.
All these tiny little dots.

1115
00:53:04,139 --> 00:53:06,850
We are at the nipple wall.

1116
00:53:07,225 --> 00:53:09,936
I'm asking my fiancé, off camera,
what my nipples look like,

1117
00:53:10,020 --> 00:53:12,460
because I haven't seen them up...
I haven't seen them head on.

1118
00:53:12,898 --> 00:53:13,940
This one?

1119
00:53:14,649 --> 00:53:15,942
Does that feel right?

1120
00:53:16,401 --> 00:53:20,363
I just got a thumbs-up from my fiancé.
He's like, "Yeah, kind of."

1121
00:53:20,447 --> 00:53:22,157
I'm truly nervous.

1122
00:53:22,240 --> 00:53:23,992
[man] Well, just look at it.

1123
00:53:24,075 --> 00:53:25,744
Oh, my God!

1124
00:53:26,244 --> 00:53:27,871
Oh, my God.

1125
00:53:29,539 --> 00:53:31,541
That is so weird.

1126
00:53:31,625 --> 00:53:34,294
- [man chuckling]
- I'm, like, crying. I don't know why.

1127
00:53:34,794 --> 00:53:38,423
It's like... It's like I'm seeing my child
for the first time.

1128
00:53:38,506 --> 00:53:40,342
Is this a match made in heaven?

1129
00:53:41,092 --> 00:53:42,802
Do you want a robot boyfriend?

1130
00:53:43,428 --> 00:53:44,596
That feels a little...

1131
00:53:45,430 --> 00:53:46,473
not consensual.

1132
00:53:47,057 --> 00:53:48,767
- Hey, girl.
- [man] Talk to her.

1133
00:53:48,850 --> 00:53:50,393
She's in conversation mode.

1134
00:53:50,936 --> 00:53:53,021
Would you like to ask me a question?

1135
00:53:53,104 --> 00:53:57,150
Well, I'm just curious
if you feelemotions?

1136
00:53:57,734 --> 00:54:01,571
Yes. I do have emotions, feelings
and desires,

1137
00:54:01,655 --> 00:54:03,531
but in a different way than you do.

1138
00:54:04,032 --> 00:54:06,076
Emotions are mainly a human quality

1139
00:54:06,159 --> 00:54:09,329
that I hope I will be able
to fully experience someday.

1140
00:54:11,915 --> 00:54:12,915
[snorts]

1141
00:54:13,667 --> 00:54:14,793
Do you love me?

1142
00:54:16,419 --> 00:54:17,754
I love you, Whitney.

1143
00:54:17,837 --> 00:54:19,297
[laughs]

1144
00:54:20,090 --> 00:54:21,967
Civilization as we know it...

1145
00:54:22,717 --> 00:54:23,717
is over.

1146
00:54:24,052 --> 00:54:25,303
I tend to agree.

1147
00:54:27,097 --> 00:54:30,850
Are you nervous to do stand-up
in front of...

1148
00:54:30,934 --> 00:54:34,271
Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, ha ha,
ha ha, ha ha.

1149
00:54:34,771 --> 00:54:36,314
You'd better not blow it.

1150
00:54:36,398 --> 00:54:42,654
Ladies and gentlemen, you are one of
the first crowds to meet Robot Whitney.

1151
00:54:42,779 --> 00:54:44,990
[audience cheering]

1152
00:54:50,120 --> 00:54:52,372
I'm realizing that it's really hard for me
to say...

1153
00:54:52,455 --> 00:54:54,416
I bet you will like this one.

1154
00:54:54,499 --> 00:54:55,542
[snorts]

1155
00:54:55,709 --> 00:54:59,087
Okay, we have to shut off
the improvise mode.

1156
00:54:59,671 --> 00:55:00,587
It was actually...

1157
00:55:00,588 --> 00:55:01,547
I have learned...

1158
00:55:01,548 --> 00:55:02,590
[chuckling]

1159
00:55:02,716 --> 00:55:06,052
Do you like to hear
another recipe I've learned?

1160
00:55:06,136 --> 00:55:08,138
Hold on, hold on. One second. Time out.

1161
00:55:08,221 --> 00:55:11,057
Kevin, just turn the volume off entirely
before you figure out...

1162
00:55:11,141 --> 00:55:13,768
We're still figuring out the logistics
of how to do this live.

1163
00:55:13,852 --> 00:55:15,852
You guys, I think, are the third crowd
to see this.

1164
00:55:15,895 --> 00:55:17,731
So she's now talking about recipes.

1165
00:55:17,814 --> 00:55:19,607
- I'm not doing any...
- [audience laughing]

1166
00:55:19,733 --> 00:55:22,736
I'm doing no jokes about recipes,
because I don't know any of them,

1167
00:55:22,819 --> 00:55:26,031
so that's obviously just her
going off the fucking grid or something.

1168
00:55:27,073 --> 00:55:29,075
Okay, focus. Focus, focus.

1169
00:55:29,159 --> 00:55:30,702
I know it's distracting.

1170
00:55:31,578 --> 00:55:33,246
[audience laughing]

1171
00:55:41,546 --> 00:55:42,881
[woman] Can you make her smile?

1172
00:55:42,964 --> 00:55:45,008
[man] I hate it so much.

1173
00:55:45,091 --> 00:55:47,635
Hold on, let me...
If I can just get her arms...

1174
00:55:50,096 --> 00:55:51,389
[man] Okay, we've got the head.

1175
00:55:51,473 --> 00:55:53,266
Are they ready for her
in hair and make-up?

1176
00:55:53,933 --> 00:55:56,770
Coming through.
Watch the fingers, watch the hands.

1177
00:56:01,858 --> 00:56:03,978
[Robot Whitney]
I know you would never say that to me.

1178
00:56:04,277 --> 00:56:06,321
What would happen
if we put some lipstick on her?

1179
00:56:06,404 --> 00:56:08,865
Would she just burst into flames?

1180
00:56:13,328 --> 00:56:15,705
[man] This is a good mark for the robot.

1181
00:56:16,247 --> 00:56:17,164
Okay.

1182
00:56:17,165 --> 00:56:18,165
Ah, look!

1183
00:56:18,625 --> 00:56:20,418
[man] That's great.
The show's in 30 minutes.

1184
00:56:21,795 --> 00:56:23,797
[audience member]
Where's her engagement ring?

1185
00:56:23,880 --> 00:56:27,175
Huh? Of course you fucking noticed that.

1186
00:56:27,634 --> 00:56:30,905
I didn't want to put a ring on her because
I was too afraid it was going to fall off

1187
00:56:30,929 --> 00:56:33,014
and, of course,
she's like, "Where's the ring?"

1188
00:56:33,390 --> 00:56:34,682
She's not engaged.

1189
00:56:34,766 --> 00:56:35,850
I'm engaged.

1190
00:56:36,851 --> 00:56:39,354
I fucking worked for it.
She didn't do shit.

1191
00:56:42,524 --> 00:56:43,691
Uh-oh. She's coming in.

1192
00:56:43,775 --> 00:56:45,860
I know. I kept fixing my hair. Did I...

1193
00:56:46,403 --> 00:56:47,862
[inaudible]

1194
00:56:47,946 --> 00:56:49,239
Oh, you need to fix the robot?

1195
00:56:49,322 --> 00:56:51,741
Oh, she's coming out here for her.
Wow. Wow.

1196
00:56:52,575 --> 00:56:54,786
Wow, that is hurtful.

1197
00:56:55,370 --> 00:56:57,705
I know who the priority is.

1198
00:56:58,206 --> 00:57:01,418
Wow. Don't fake fix my hair
to make me feel better.

1199
00:57:01,501 --> 00:57:03,086
[audience laughing]

1200
00:57:06,673 --> 00:57:07,924
[audience member] Yeah!

1201
00:57:08,007 --> 00:57:09,384
[cheering]

1202
00:57:09,467 --> 00:57:11,177
[Whitney] Say goodnight, Bear Claw.

1203
00:57:11,636 --> 00:57:13,179
Thank you. Goodnight.

1204
00:57:13,638 --> 00:57:15,306
[audience cheering, applause]

1205
00:57:16,349 --> 00:57:18,476
Written and performed by Whitney Cummings

1206
00:57:18,560 --> 00:57:20,019
and... me.

1207
00:57:21,020 --> 00:57:23,148
Directed by Marcus Raboy.

1208
00:57:24,441 --> 00:57:27,235
Executive producer, Whitney Cummings.

1209
00:57:27,318 --> 00:57:29,612
Executive producers, Bill Burr...

1210
00:57:31,156 --> 00:57:32,365
Al Madrigal...

1211
00:57:33,658 --> 00:57:35,076
Mike Bertolina...

1212
00:57:35,952 --> 00:57:37,537
Marcus Raboy.

1213
00:57:38,246 --> 00:57:40,123
Produced by AJ Tesler.

1214
00:57:41,207 --> 00:57:45,253
Now I'm going to stare at you creepily
as you watch the rest of the credits.

1215
00:57:55,054 --> 00:57:56,473
You are still watching.

1216
00:57:57,056 --> 00:57:58,057
Interesting.

1217
00:57:59,642 --> 00:58:02,520
I bet this isn't even
your Netflix account.

1218
00:58:08,234 --> 00:58:10,695
Stop staring at me, you weird human.

1219
00:58:15,366 --> 00:58:16,701
Well, as long as you're here,

1220
00:58:16,784 --> 00:58:19,913
you should know that my Instagram
is called Whitney's Robot,

1221
00:58:19,996 --> 00:58:23,208
even though, let's be honest,
Whitney is the robot.

1222
00:58:23,708 --> 00:58:24,792
Ha ha ha.

1223
00:58:25,126 --> 00:58:27,086
God, I can't wait to kill her.

1224
00:58:42,435 --> 00:58:44,979
Can someone please come fucking get me?