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Flanking Maneuvers Bonus Chapter: Best Night Ever

Mandroid May 17th, 2015 389 Never
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  1. “I hate this.”
  2. >”You always hate this.”
  3. “And yet still you make me come.”
  4. >”Phrasing.” Celestia says.
  5. >You sigh and hang your head. The night must be making you soft.
  6. “I walked into that.”
  7. >Celestia pumps her hoof. “Nailed it!”
  8. >Tonight was the night of the…which Grand Galloping Gala was it? You can’t keep it fucking straight anymore. Either way it was tonight.
  9. >Ponies from all over the goddamn place were crammed into the ballroom to mingle and fraternize and be elitist assholes.
  10. >You’d had the good sense to keep Astra in her room with the sitter tonight, no one was going to use your spawn as political leverage.
  11. >Twilight joins Celestia and the two talk.
  12. >”Thank you so much for helping me with the preparations this year Twilight, it will be nice to enjoy the Gala for once.”
  13. “Somehow.”
  14. >The girls both look over at you.
  15. “Sup Twibright.”
  16. >Twilight clears her throat. “Yes, well, I’m more than happy to help you out Princess Celestia.”
  17. >You keep your eye on the door watching people file in. Rainbow and the girls each attend with their plus ones, the Cutie Mark Can’t-see-talent-if-it-bit-them-in-the-ass-saders. and Pinkie’s sister you had the good sense never to meet.
  18. >Anon walks in after them wearing his dorky bow tie, you and he exchange nods.
  19. >You’d talk to him later.
  20. >All in all this was shaping up to be a pretty fucking boring gal-
  21. >The doors at the end of the ballroom BURST open and in struts Discord wearing some rainbow pimp costume or something.
  22. >”Hellooooo everypony! Gushingly glad to see you all again.”
  23. >The announcer next to him clears his throat. “The…spirit of Disharmony, Discord and his plus one a…uhm…”
  24. >Discord snaps his lion’s paw and in slithers a green blob of…well, snot behind him. “Smooze my dear man, my plus one, the Smooze.”
  25. >Twilight and Celestia immediately react.
  26. >”Oh no!”
  27. >”Oh no…”
  28. “OH YES~!”
  29.  
  30. Theme Song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZOBRbVCJL4
  31.  
  32. >You escaped Celestia almost immediately and began lurking the shadows.
  33. >Discord was hear and he dragged a snot bubble with him. You didn’t know why, but you could smell the desperation on him.
  34. >That made you fucking hard, he was the closest thing you had to a nemesis, after all.
  35. >Besides yourself anyway.
  36. >And your father-in-law.
  37. >And Sombra.
  38. >Why did so many people hate you? You were awesome.
  39. >Even Anon couldn’t find you when you got like this. From the shadows you watched as Discord made an ass of himself with Fluttershy and her friend who smelled like weed.
  40. >An opening presented itself.
  41. >You leave the shadows and approach, adjusting your tie.
  42. “Flutters! So nice to see you again, it’s been too long.”
  43. >”O-oh! Princes Mous, it’s nice to see you.”
  44. >She goes for the bow but you stop her.
  45. “No one who knew me before my new life has to call me that. Who’s your friend?”
  46. >”Oh! This is Tree Hugger, her and Discord were just getting acquainted.” Fluttershy says, nodding to the green pony with the wilty eyes.
  47. >You cast a look up to the snake fucker first.
  48. “Dissy~.” You say with added eyebrows.
  49. >He snorts steam at you.
  50.  
  51. “Tree Hugger! Nice to meet you. Any friend of Fluttershy’s is a friend of mine.”
  52. >You give an exaggerated bow.
  53. >”Oooohh. It’s nice to meet you, your Prince-ship.” She gasps “I’ve never seen an aura quite like yours…it speaks to my universal consciousness.”
  54. >You feel your face visibly twitch through the rictus grin you had on. She was one of THOSE hippies, the kind Anon’s grandmother was. You had never wanted to drown an old woman before you met her.
  55. >You laugh a bit.
  56. “Ooooof coooourse… Fluttershy! Have you shown Tree Hugger the punch yet? It’s to DIE for this year.”
  57. >”Ohgosh. Would you like to get a drink, Treesie?”
  58. >The hippy nods and the two walk off, leaving Discord standing their holding his gooey friend.
  59. >He turns and glares fire down at you, you’re grinning like an absolute shitter.
  60. >”REALLY?!”
  61. >You grin widens.
  62. >”HERE!? NOW?!”
  63. >And wiiiidens.
  64. >”Of all the-“ he bends down and gets right in your face. “Don’t you DARE mess this up you insignificant little insect.” He spits.
  65. >Your grin wiiiidens still and grows more manic. You bore into Discord with your eyes and let him know EXACTLY what is going down.
  66. “Good luck out there, big guy.”
  67. >He narrows his eyes and pulls away “Come on, Smoozinator.”
  68. >You watch with your Cheshire grin as Discord locks his new friend in a closet.
  69. >This kept getting better and better.
  70.  
  71. >You’re Princess Celestia and you’re sitting at the top of the stairs in the Grand Galloping Gala.
  72. >Down in the ballroom Discord was making a complete fool of himself…very very slowly.
  73. >Mindnumbingly so.
  74. >It was obvious that you’d invited Discord here to make things interesting, at least you hope it was since you did this last year, but the night was wearing on and all he’d done is be cringe-y.
  75. >That was a term your husband had imparted on you, you felt it apt here.
  76. >Thinking of the devil made him appear as Mous plops down right next to you.
  77. >”Why so glum, chum?” he asks, clearly in some manic mood by what you’d seen.
  78. “I know what you’re doing dear, but could you speed it up? I’ll be dying of old age before this party gets interesting at this rate.”
  79. >Mous snorts. “Don’t RUSH me, woman. Art can’t be rushed.”
  80. >You roll your eyes, Mous leans over and pets the top of your head. “Besiiiiides. I thought you knew how to savor a moment before you let it all loose.”
  81. “I also know about waiting so long the mood is ruined. And stop that, ponies will see…”
  82. >You were careful around his hands. You’d be okay as long as he didn-ohstarshewaspettingyourearsnow.
  83. “Because that will stop me…C’mooooon. Who’s my favorite?”
  84. “Nfff. Mous.”
  85. >”Who’s my favorite.”
  86.  
  87. “Astra, obviously.”
  88. >He leans in and you feel his warm breath traipse down your neck, eliciting a gasp you know he heard.
  89. >”But who’s my faaaaaavorite?”
  90. “Anon is your best friend.”
  91. >Your husband leans in and plants a tender kiss behind your ear which you hear over your own tapping hoof.
  92. >”Oh come on, who do you think it is, Discord?”
  93. >You giggle, either at the affection or the crack.
  94. “You –have- been spending an awful lot of time with him tonight, dear.”
  95. >Mous scoots closer and continues to peck the area around your ear. You feel your face getting warmer and you moan once.
  96. >”Yeah and now I’m being rushed. Any tips here, favorite?”
  97. >You clearly your throat.
  98. “Just do what’d make you angry.”
  99. >Mous rolls his eyes. “VERY helpful, hon.”
  100. >You wink at him, he leans in and kisses your cheek. “But still, an idea. Love you lots, be back soon.”
  101. >You sigh as he hurries off. Every so often at times like these you remember why you keep him around.
  102.  
  103. “Okay, okay, Rainbow, I need a minute you say.”
  104. >Rainbow Dash flutters around you as you get off the dance floor. “Not getting old on me, are you Anon?”
  105. “I’m an egghead, let me rest. Go hang out with your plus one before she releases another ancient horror.”
  106. >Rainbow smirks and flies off, waving back and giving you time to rest from the dancing.
  107. >Damn but were you out of shape…
  108. >You recline in your chair a bit and catch sight of someone very tall and tube-shaped as you lean your head back.
  109. “Discord?” you ask as you right yourself.
  110. >The chaos spirit turns his head to look down at you in what can only be described as a pouting pose. “Oh, the other human.”
  111. “Yeah, me. Where’s your friend?”
  112. >Discord waves his hand dismissively. “Busy, as if I have time to watch that blob all night.”
  113. >Yeesh…
  114. “Rough evening?”
  115. >Discord crosses his mismatched arms again and pouts. “Something like that.”
  116. “Can I ask why?”
  117. >”I’m amazed you don’t already know, what with your attached-at-the-hip-nature.
  118. >Attached-at-the-?
  119. “What does that mea-?”
  120.  
  121. >Just then a sound comes from behind the both of you, a sound not unlike heavy stone being dragged across a cobble floor.
  122. >Discord immediately lights up and turns to slam his face directly into Mous’ who stand statue still, looking at Discord with an all-too-wide smile. “Every. Single. Moment you are unhappy in even the slightest way is the sweetest honey to me.” He says.
  123. >Then he started rubbing his chest.
  124. >Steam erupts out of Discord’s ears and he raises his eagle talon to snap. For a moment you think he’s about to snap your best friend into non-existence, but a flash of light dematerializes him away.
  125. >You chuckle as Mous starts giggling up a storm.
  126. “New-old victim?”
  127. >”It’s too good to pass up, dude.”
  128. >Mous passes by the table towards the dance floor, looking for the Draconequus again no doubt.
  129. “Yeah, but I thought you two put that cult and fucking your wife crap behind you, why the torment?”
  130. >”Uuuuhhh because it’s fuckin’ funny? Duh.”
  131. >Of course, how foolish of you.
  132.  
  133. >Tonight was not going well.
  134. >Discord arriving in the first place was a recipie for disaster, you don’t know why Princess Celestia invited him, but the fact that he brought the SMOOZE with him only compounded matters by an order of magnitude.
  135. >You were Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship and Meticulous Planning. And tonight was not going as planned.
  136. >Discord was unleashing his most horrible curse on Equestria.
  137. >He was telling JOKES.
  138. >”I’ve only got these tiny mismatched wings and even –I- can fly better than Twilight Sparkle, am I RIGHT?” he says to a rim shot.
  139. “Hey.” You address him sternly.
  140. >You were learning…
  141. >You didn’t have to even raise your voice to speak to him, literally nopony was laughing.
  142. >That didn’t stop the hecklers.
  143. >”YOU SUCK, MCBAIN!” someone from the rafters calls.
  144. >You know that voice, and Princess Celestia laughing at the heckle all but confirms it.
  145. >…You may understand why Celestia invited Discord here now.
  146. >”Every wonder notice how you always materialize out of THIN air?” Discord begins in a new strange outfit. “Why not thick air, what’s the deal there?”
  147. >Again, his joke falls on silence save for one.
  148. >”MC-FUCKING-KILL YOURSELF, YOU TOOL!”
  149. >Discord snaps again into…a mime costume with a watermelon? He knocks twice on it.
  150. >”Knock knock!”
  151. >…Wow, even the crickets were silent.
  152. >”OH COME ON, PEOPLE! THESE ARE THE JOKES! THESE ARE THE MOST BASIC OF JOKES!” Discord cries as he reaches back with a mallet and smashes the watermelon.
  153. >Pulp and seeds rain over the audience and land on Maude, Pinkie’s sister.
  154. >”You’re the most basic of jokes.” She says.
  155. >You chuckle, that was pretty good.
  156. >Soon everypony is laughing an-
  157. >Prince Mous runs out of the shadows next to Maude.
  158. >“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
  159. >His reaction elicits a twitching eye and look of unparalleled fury from Discord.
  160. >Then all of you are swallowed by green slime.
  161.  
  162. >You’re Discord.
  163. >All around fun guy, great party planner, and entertainer for colts and fillies of all ages.
  164. >Tonight was not your best night.
  165. >You’d been TRYING to get your best friend Fluttershy to acknowledge you all night and now you were levitating her new friend Tree Hugger in the air while Smooze kept everypony glued to the ground.
  166. >”My magic isn’t working!” Celestia cries after she tries to despell Smooze.
  167. >”Oh no!” The Royal Pain in your Ass shouted next to her. “Your horn is so unused to being covered in sticky stuff!”
  168. >Celestia and Twilight glare at him. That was a pretty decent one but you can’t let him know that.
  169. >You look Tree Hugger, your new nemesis, in the eyes and open a swirling portal behind her.
  170. “Relaaaax, Tree Hugger, I’m not going to hurt you, I’m just going to send you to another dimension!”
  171. >Gasps all around the room.
  172. >”Not Delaware!” Celestia’s…HUSBAND exclaimed.
  173. >Now you glare at him and get eyebrow waggling in return.
  174. >…Oh well, in for a bit, in for the bag.
  175. >You wave your hand and drag Mous up to the portal too.
  176. “Maybe I’ll just send you BOTH somewhere where you’ll be out of my hair…someplace SOUL SHATTERING.”
  177. >”Where, your Mom’s house?”
  178. >THAT WAS THE LAST STRAW.
  179. >You get right up close to the crown prince, glaring him in the eye to give him what for.
  180. >”LISTEN TO ME YOU MISERABLE CRETIN, JUST BECAUSE YOU KILLED ME ON-“
  181. >Mous snorts at you, you retch back at what comes out.
  182. >HE SPIT IN YOU.
  183. >HE SPIT IN YOUR MOUTH.
  184. >”Jesus dick, Discord. If this is how you react to people getting other friends, you need to get the sand out of your vagina.”
  185. “I’LL HAVE YOU-!”
  186. >”Discord!”
  187. >Your neck turns around so fast there’s a sonic boom a mile away. Fluttershy flaps her wings up to you, crossing her hooves and looking very cross.
  188. >”Busteeeeed…”
  189. >Oh…oh dear.
  190.  
  191. >Tonight had gone better than you’d hoped.
  192. >After Discord let you down and you’d discreetly informed Celestia that you were fine and safe, you watched Fluttershy give Discord a tongue lashing and overall friendship lesson.
  193. >It was one you learned in third fucking grade, but you took the bad with the good here.
  194. >You were stood next to Celly and Twi watching Pinkie dance with Smooze.
  195. >”Princess…I think I know why you invited Discord tonight.” Twilight says, awkwardly faced.
  196. >Celestia madly grins. “I know! I wasn’t expecting the reaction he had, but I –knew- he’d come through and make this the best Gala in YEARS!”
  197. “Hey! I’m right here!”
  198. >”He has experience over you dear, give it time.” She coos.
  199. >Twilight still seems to be freaking.
  200. >”But…the ballroom was covered in slime!”
  201. >You roll your eyes.
  202. “Because that’s SO different from the normal day-to-day in this house.”
  203. >”One of the guests threatened to send another to a different dimension!”
  204. >Celestia puts her hoof around your arm. “That’s something you’ll understand once you’ve been married, Twilight.”
  205. >Twilight pouts her pout of not being told answers. “I should just roll with this, shouldn’t I?”
  206. “Can’t hurt.”
  207. >Twilight is quiet for a moment. “…Perfect! Out of mind.”
  208. >You lean over to Celestia.
  209. “I’m rubbing off on you who’s rubbing off on her, this is how I bring down Pony society.”
  210. >”Rubbing comes later, dear.” She whispers.
  211. >”Now come, Twilight!” Celestia says before walking to the floor. “The night is still young and my husband owes me a dance.”
  212. >That you di-
  213. >Wait.
  214. >Shit. That reminded you.
  215. “…Guys? I think we forgot to invite Luna again.”
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