Marefriend Assistance Thread

MareFriend Assistance Thread Archive

Operation Love Bug by THSHDW https://pastebin.com/t5cA1Psi

Marefriend Flurry by Mobile_writefag https://pastebin.com/jCNG8VC1


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By DriverPone
(Pastebin Deleted)


>"Hey Anon, you've been living here for a while, but I've never seen you with a marefriend"
>"Do you need help getting one?"
>You open the door a little more, and rub your tired eyes to make sure this isnt just the moonlight's reflection playing a trick on you
>Nope, she's really here
"Cadance, It's 2 am, please let me sleep"
>"Love never sleeps Anon, and neither should you until you find it!"
"Look, can we do this another time? I know love is your whole schtick and all, and I appreciate you coming over to check on me even if it's completely unnecessary, but please try to make your daily visits in the daytime"
>"Love comes when you least expect it, Anon, so dont give up hope! There's a mare for you out there, I just know it! Just accept my help and we'll find her together!"
>You rub your face from the top down and subsequently sigh
"No, Cadance, like I've told you so many times before, I'm fine. You're a princess, surely there's something better you can do with your time than come pester me with trying to get a marefriend, right?"
>"No!"
>Cadance slams a hoof on the ground for dramatic effect
>"There's absolutely nothing more important than the love 2 ponies feel for each other Anon, to love and to be loved is to be happy, and I want every citizen of Equestria to experience it firsthoof!"
>Cadance notices how out of breath she's become and composes herself
>"Now, with most ponies, that comes naturally, but with some that isn't the case, and it is one of my royal duties to help them find love, and I've never failed! Not once!"
>She sighs
>"So why do you make it so difficult?"
>Cadance looks at you with sad puppy eyes
>You feel to blame for Cadance's sad state, you avoid her gaze as your scratch your head looking for a gentle way to let her down
"Cadance, Im... sorry you feel that way"
>Eeek, not a great start
"Im just, not looking for love you know? Sure, I've heard about how great it is to be in a mutual relationship, but I feel pretty fulfilled and happy as it is now. I've got a job I enjoy, I've got hobbies, I've got friends I hang out with, hell, just today I helped Pinkie throw Twilight a Welcome to Ponyville anniversary party and we had a blast! And besides, Isn't friendship love in it's own way?"
>Yes! That must have calmed her down
>...Shes furious
>"Not at all! I'm talking about the love you save for the one you desire most, the love you feel for the pony you cannot imagine a world without, the love you feel when, just looking deeply into a pony's eyes, you know they'll be there with you every step of the way through thick and thin, that the whole world could collapse around you but you'd still be happy because you have them! That's the love I want you to feel!"
"And I'm telling you, I don't need it"
>Cadance looks like she's about to explode, but instead implodes as her spirits collapse and she looks the saddest you've ever seen her
>"Just, do it for me, okay? Do it for me, please. Really, what do you have to lose? Nothing! You have nothing to lose!"
>Well, she does have a point there
"I... I guess?"
>"Please, tell me you'll at least try, that all I ask, I promise it's worth it"
"I don't know, Cadance"
>"Please? I... I don't want to fail for the first time"
>You've got a goddamn princess begging you on what might as well be her knees, and all she needs is a yes
>You notice the moon has moved a significant amount since she first appeared
>You just want some goddamn sleep
"Alright, fine, I'll try, I guess"
>"Great!"
>In a split second Cadence is back to her usual spirits
>"So, who are you thinking of? Ooh, I bet it's Twilight, you threw a party for her right? Listen, I got some great tips on how you can conquer her heart, no one else knows this, but she is really into-"
"Cadance"
>"...food play"
"Cadance!"
>You pinch the bridge of your nose
"Just, I'll handle it, If im doing this, I'm doing it my own way"
>Cadance seems surprised, but a little intrigued at the idea
>"Oookay, I suppose you think you're a natural huh?"
"How hard can it be?"
>Cadance seems amused at your answer
>"Well then! Have it your way, but don't hesitate to ask for my help if you need it"
>"I'll be checking up on you soon, so don't let me down, okay?"
"I'll try not to, love horse"
>Cadance smiles
>"See you later, Anon!"
>The pink alicorn flies away and you're left alone standing in the empty doorway
"Love, huh? What a waste of time, this will be a piece of cake"
>You go to bed and have a comfortable, dreamless sleep.
>You wake up refreshed despite your lack of sleep and make yourself a bountiful breakfast
>So you just gotta show Cadance that you experienced love and you’ll get her of your ass huh?
>No more knocking in the middle of the night, no more window surprises while you’re bathing, no more chimney intrusions, it’s like a dream come true!
>Just gotta get the day off first, not many opportunities for love at work
>You finish eating, and go to find Applejack at her usual spot at this time of day, selling apples a the Ponyville market
>She waves as you come closer
>”Howdy there pardner! On your way to the farm? We’ve got to make a big private delivery of apple cider and Big Mac could certainly use the help carrying those wagons!”
“Actually Applejack, I was hoping to get the day off...?”
>She squints as her brow furrows just a bit
>”Oh? You injured or somethin? You never miss a day”
“Oh, no, not at all, I need it for uh... private matters”
>Applejack leans back and her mouth crooks into a half smile
>”Private matters? Private matters my flank!”
>”Oh! I mean...”
>Applejack catches herself and settles down a bit
>”Look, Ahm sorry Anon, I don’t mean to wave the boss card, but we’ve had some tough times recently, and Big Mac really needs a hoof, so you better have a damn good reason for missing work today”
“I.... uh...”
>”Well? spill it!”
>Should you tell Applejack you want a day off for a stupid love quest? You’d rather not, you wouldn’t hear the end of it
>You look directly at her demanding eyes trying to come up with something to get out of this one
>”Cmon, You’re holding up the line, pardner”
>Her words break you out of the spell and give you a great idea
>You shake your face a little and give a gentlemanly smile
“Oh, sorry, it’s just, I kinda got lost in your eyes for a second there”
>She’s taken aback and opens her eyes wide
>”...I’m... I’m sorry?”
“I mean it! It’s like I’m looking at two bright emerald sparkling right in front of me, I never really noticed how beautiful your eyes are”
>This flusters her as she angrily slams a hoof on the counter
>”F-flattery will get you nowhere, big guy! Now you better get your flank to the farm or Ah swear I’ll-“
>You lean closer and gently place your hand on Applejack’s hoof on top of the counter
“It’s not flattery, I’m just being honest, I thought you of all ponies would appreciate that”
>Applejack has frozen and just looks surprised at you, sweat drops appearing on her brow
>You gently caress the top of her hoof
“Wow, you have surprisingly soft hooves and fur for such a hardworking mare, whoever gets to take your hooves in theirs is a lucky stallion”
>You get her to blush as she swallows the saliva that’s built up in her mouth
“There IS a lucky stallion, righ-“
>She swiftly takes her hoof away from your grasp and stares at you flustered
>”Quit It! F-fine! Have your day off! B-but you better work twice as hard tomorrow, you hear me?!”
>You stand up straight and smile satisfied
“Thanks Applejack, by the way, I really did mean everything I said”
>She looks away from you and pulls down her hat to hide her blush
>”Whatever! Just, g-get away from my face!”
>You walk away from the stand and hear a customer ask Applejack for an order of apples as she tries to keep herself together.
>Compliments! How could you forget?
>It’s like the first page on the love handbook, make them think you like them and they’ll fall for you
>Who needs love horse now?
>You confidently stroll through Ponyville square winking and finger gun pointing at passing mares
“Looking sharp Roseluck! No flower blooms to be as beautiful as you are!”
>”Aw, how nice! You’re not bad looking yourself Anon~”
“Oh hell-o Lyra! Your harmonious voice is unmatched by even the most heavenly song!
>”T-that’s not true! Y-you’re too kind, Anon...”
“Cherilee Cherilee! Have I ever told you how much I like a mare who is good with foals?”
>”Oh, A-anon, I had no idea! Hehe~”
>”Wait, where are you goi-“
>Nailed it, so it really is that easy huh?
>You know what they say, fire an arrow in every direction and one is bound to hit
>Now, what’s next?
>Hmmm
>That’s right, dates!
>A pleasant warm evening spent with a mare it’s best way for love to bloom, but first you have to find a mare to spend it with
>Who is the most desperate pony you know?
>You snap your fingers
>And make your way to Carrousel Boutique
>”Welcome to Carrousel Boutique, where every garment is-
>Rarity turns around from her work table and smiles when she notices you
“Oh, it’s you Darling, come on in!”
>You enter and close the door behind you
“Hi Rarity, I was just coming to get my suit fi-“
>You freeze and look at her as if you saw an angel descend from heaven
“Oh wow”
>”Hmm? What is it, Darling?”
>You get closer to her and put on eyes of admiration
“I-I gotta say, you’re looking gorgeous this afternoon, did you do something to your mane?”
>”Oh, you noticed? I used a different water activated honey mane conditioner when bathing this morning, you’re the first to notice it!”
>Blind guess
“That must be the vanilla I’ve been smelling, right?”
>”Yes! Oh Isn’t the fragrance just captivating?”
>You swear, she always smells like vanilla
“Captivating is right, my nose feels like it’s in heaven right now”
>”Hehe~ you’re much too kind, Anon”
>She looks at you with half lidded eyes for a few seconds before coming to her senses
>”Oh! Where are my manners, what brings you to my Boutique? Do you need some fabulous work done, perhaps?”
“No, actually. I was just passing by, and I thought I’d pay my favorite seamstress a visit, how’ve you been?”
>”That’s very nice of you, Darling. I’ve been doing fine, although I’m a bit stressed over the requests that have been piling on, it feels like everypony in this town needs Rarity!”
>You act deeply interested
“It must be tough being such a solicited pony, although I imagine it is quite rewarding as well?”
>”Oh very much so! I feel a little giddy inside every time I look at the smile on a satisfied customer, knowing somepony was pleased with a design of mine brings me a lot of joy, although, I don’t just make them for other ponies of course, it’s also the creative process I must go through, and how it...”
>You space out and just keep looking at her while nodding, making surprised expressions when appropriate, and wondering when she’ll shut up
>“... but it can be a little tiring at times and-“
“Oh, you’re tired?”
>”Well, a little yeah, it’s been a very busy couple of days, I’ve gotten orders from at least a TWO dozen-“
>You space out again, nodding until she finished talking, and then proceed
“Well, if you’re up for it, I was thinking of going for a chocolate milkshake at the clover cafe, but it’d be awfully boring going on my lonesome, what do you say? My treat”
>”Umm... I wanna say yes, Darling, but I’m a little busy with my work at the moment”
“And hide your beautiful mane from the rest of town? No way! Besides, you need some fresh air, it will be good for you and you’ll come back revitalized and more creative than ever”
>She ponders for a moment
>”That does sound nice... but I’ll have to go put something on if we’re going out”
>It’s just a damn milkshake
“I don’t mind, even though I admire your natural beauty I’m sure whatever you’ll put on will make it stand out even more”
>”Oh, you flatterer you. I’ll be right back!”
>As she leaves to go to her room, you’re left to your own thoughts, this is a little harder than Applejack
>Well, she IS a fashion pony, must be used to getting empty compliments, even if you’re making an effort to make them not baseless
>Maybe you should have gone for someone with lower self steem
>”Hello Mr Anon!”
>Your train of thought is broken by a squeaky voice coming from below
>You glance down and spot Sweetie Belle looking up at you expectantly
>”What brings you here? Need some work done from my sister?”
>You look at the little filly feeling conflicted
“You’re... you’re too young right?”
>”H-huh?”
>Wait, no, love overcomes all boundaries and knows no age! That’s what everyone said back on earth
>But this... would Cadance approve of it?
>Probably
>”A-are you ok there, mister?”
>You crouch down slowly and smile at the filly
“I’m sorry, I just got lost in your eyes for a second, it’s like I’m looking at 2 bright emeralds sparkling right in front of me, I never really noticed how beautiful your eyes are, Sweetie Belle”
>You boop her for good measure
>She winces at your gesture, blushes, and takes a step back scared
>”I-uh... I-I gotta go!”
>She runs off before you’re able to protest
>You shrug, the seed is planted, that’s what matters
>”I’m back Anon, I hope I didn’t make you wait too long~, what do you think?”
“Rarity, it’s simply-“
>She just put a pink hat on
“Gorgeous!”
>She finally blushes just a little
>”Isn’t it? It’s the only one of its kind, got it hoofmade from an steemed Canterlot seamstress! Doesn’t it contrast nicely with my coat?”
“Absolutely, should we go?”
>Rarity nods happily and heads with you out the door
>Right, it required a lot of bending over backwards, but the hard part is over, you got her to come with you
>Okay, section 1 of the love handbook, compliments, is done
>Now for section 2, gift giving!
>Shower a mare in gifts and she’s sure to want to stay with you
>”Don’t you agree, Darling?”
“Huh, oh yeah, for sure!”
>She gives you a warm smile
>Rarity is blabbering about god knows what, the nodding technique seems to work well enough on her
>Right, so, gifts, what kind of gifts?
>Flowers! You’re always supposed to buy flowers for the girl at a date
>Thankfully the walk to the cafe passes close to the market, you can easily pass by a flower shop with a very small detour
“I wanted to make a quick stop nearby Rarity, if you don’t mind that is”
>”I don’t mind, my legs certainly could use the stretch after staying locked up inside that long”
>As you get closer to the market you realize you want the flower to be a surprise
“Actually, stay here a second, I’ll be right back”
>This seems to irritate her just a little
>”Oh, well, just don’t keep a lady waiting!”

“Roseluck! If it isn’t my favorite flower salesmare, how are ya?”
>She’s startled by your sudden appearance
>”Oh, Anon!”
>She starts playing with her mane with one hoof wile looking at you through half lidded eyes
>”I’m doing great now~ How can I help you?”
“Well, I’m looking to get a rose, actually”
>”Oh, just one rose? That’s simple enough, give me a second”
>She leans down and gently bites down on one of the roses in the bag and brings it up to you
>You gesture with your hands to deny it
“Wait! Not just any rose”
>”Hm?”
“Only the most beautiful rose you have in your possession”
>She’s taken aback, she opens her mouth in surprise and the rose she was holding falls on the counter making a tiny thump
>”My... my best rose? Anon, that is-“
“I’m sure you won’t disappoint”
“I’m sure you won’t disappoint”
>She realizes you’re serious, and her expression changes into confident look and smile
>”Oh, believe me Anon, you won’t be disappointed...”
>She disappears from view lowering behind the stand, you hear a few clicking noises and she resurfaces holding an engraved box in her mouth
>”Pwah!”
>She lets it down on the counter and looks at you sure of herself
>”Heh, I found this baby a few months ago, right in the edge of the everfree forest, where it’s powerful chaotic energy meets the harmonious magic of Equestria, creating true wonders of life, such as THIS!”
>Roseluck clumsily opens the box with her hooves, as the insides seem to flash a blinding light to the outside world
>You cover your eyes with your arm and wince at the light, but the discomfort is quickly overpowered by sheer amazement at the rose you see within
>At first glance, it appeared to be a normal rose
>But to the trained eye, it was so much more
>Every aspect of its form seemed to have been manually crafted by a benevolent god, its colors vibrant and full appeared to be how red and green were truly meant to be seen, it’s petals being perfectly accurate to the golden ratio and it’s leaves perfectly simmetrical on both sides, their veins and margins seeming to extend indefinitely into their apex as if they were fractals
>You slowly take the rose in your hand, Roseluck looking at you expectantly, hoping you would be pleased
>With the flower closer to you, you notice it emits a barely audible hum, it sounds like a choir of angels
“Roseluck, I must say”
>She bites her lip as she grows more and more anxious of your judgement
>”Y-yes, Anon?”
>You lower the rose down until your arm is straightened and look at her with a poker face
“I am disappointed in you”
>She’s horrified
>”....W-what!? B-b-but-“
“I ask for your most beautiful rose, and you give me this?
>You raise the flower and look at it as if I’m disgust
“A simple runner up? This is a disgrace to your best”
>”I-it’s the best I have! I-I have nothing else!”
“Sure you do”
>You lean forward towards her
“Everyone knows where the most beautiful rose is, you should too, I told you just this morning”
>You lean forward and boop her
“It’s you, silly”
>”M...M-Me?”
>You smile
“The most beautiful of roses”
>Roseluck looks up at you expressionless for a few seconds, before bringing a hoof to her forehead and fainting to the side
“Shit! Roseluck, are you okay!?”
>You lean over the counter and see the mare on the ground giggling to herself
>”Hehe~ I’m fine Anon, I’m more than fine~”
“O-okay then”
>”Heh, heheh”
“I’m... I’m gonna go, I’ll take the rose anyway, how much do I owe you?”
>”N-Nothing, it’s on me~”
“Sweet! Thanks Roseluck, you’re the best”
>”Anything for you, Anon~”

>You run back to where you left Rarity
>You spent too much time with Roseluck, good knows the worst thing you can do in a date is leave the girl alone
“Rarity!”
>You run towards her holding the flower behind you
>”Oh, Anon, hmph! Took you long enough, what did I say about keeping a lady waiting?”
“Sorry Rarity, I came as fast as I could!”
>”Well it wasn’t fast enough, you left me for nearly 10 minutes! I was about to just go home, Anon”
>You scratch your neck while giving an apology smile
“Sorry, sorry... but I did it to get you a little something, Rarity”
>This piques her interest
>”Oh? What do you mean?”
“I mean”
“This”
>As the rose comes into her view it seems to shine with the same blinding light it had when first revealed in the box, as if aware of the good timing
>Any signs of anger in Rarity’s face instantly vanish as her eyes sparkle with the reflection of the perfect rose you present her with
>”Is this... for me? Darling?”
“Of course, I tried getting something beautiful that would give you a hint of the way I see you, but I didn’t even come close, I’m sorry if it’s inadequate”
>”It’s gorgeous! Pristine! Magnificent!”
“Heh, I’m glad you like it, here”
>You approach her and attach the rose to her pink hat
“Now the entire town can see a this beautiful rose worn by the only mare pretty enough to sport it proudly”
>Rarity’s eyes glisten as she looks up at you, smiling warmly
>”Y-You really know how to charm a lady, Anon, I... I apologize for getting mad at you”
“Don’t sweat it Rarity, now, we’ve got a milkshake with our names on it just waiting for us at the cafe, no more stops, okay?”
>She nods and you walk to the cafe closer together than when you began
>Third section of the love handbook, dates!
>Dates are just an excuse for 2 people/ponies to spend time together away from everyone else.
>Now is the time to put on the moves
>And you know, learning stuff about them you can use to your advantage doesn't hurt
>”...and can you believe he then had the GALL to commission FIVE more suits?!”
“Sounds terrible”
>”I know! So I just had to...”
>While you walk to the cafe together, you notice some ponies giving both of you passing curious glances, probably because you were walking a bit too close to each other
>But they soon looked away remembering that with Rarity that didn’t mean all that much
>Entering the cafe, you notice it’s packed with all sorts of ponies, not a single table empty
>”Oh dear, it seems we arrived at peak hour! What should we do, Darling?”
>Before you can answer, you’re greeted by a greenish cyan colored mare with a full waitress attire that hid her cutie mark and tail, a waitress hat that hid her mane, and that even wore blue tinted glasses
>”Hall-o! Welcome to the clover cafe! We are quite busy at this time of day, but a table should be available for you in about... half an hour”
>”Half an hour!?”
>Rarity turns to you
>”Anon, my hooves are killing me, surely there’s another establishment of this kind nearby we could go to instead”
>You haven’t taken your eyes off of the waitress mare since she addressed you, your scrupulous look examining every aspect of her being
>Mostly just her coat
“...Lyra?”
>The mare tenses up
>”Y-you’re mistaken, dear customer! But it’s alright, I am often confused with this “Lyra” mare! I swear, I’m gonna she her for identity theft! Hahaha!”
>She puts on an awkward smile
“Lyra, I know it’s you”
>The mare suddenly yanks your sleeve and pulls you aside making you nearly fall over, but now you’re in whispering range
>Rarity gasps and is about to make a scene
>’Don’t keep saying my name Anon! Ponies could hear you!’
>She sighs
>’How did you know?’
>You make a gesture to Rarity to assure her you’re fine, she’s confused, but doesn’t press the issue
‘Those pure golden rings you call eyes aren’t so easily obscured, Lyra, I could see their spark beckoning me as soon as I entered’
>It was just the coat, who else has a magic mint coat?
>’Dammit! I knew I should have gotten eye contacts instead of glasses...’
>She mutters something under her breath while angrily looking down
‘So uh, why are you hiding yourself?’
>’Are you kidding? Who’s gonna hire a waitress to play the lyre? I can’t let anyone know I work here’
‘...then why are you working here?’
>’Why does anyone work anywhere Anon? Bits!’
>’It's tough to make it as a musician in this town, yknow? Hardly anyone needs a lyre player, hahaha!’
>She gazes downwards
>’...Please dont tell anyone I'm working here’
>You surprise her by petting her mane, making her look up at you
‘Don't worry your pretty little eyes Lyra, your secret is safe with me’
>’...You mean it?’
‘Yes, and for what it’s worth; I admire that, even though you could make it big in Canterlot, you bless this undeserving town with your talent’
>You’ve heard her play her lyre once
>...maybe? You’re not sure
>Nevertheless it works, making the mare give you a sincere smile
>’Thanks Anon, really’
>You exchange warm looks for a second
>Lyra notices Rarity quizzically looking at you two
>”Oh, right!”
>Lyra moves aside and you take your place next to Rarity again
>"Ahem, You need a table, correct?”
"Yeah, but every single one is taken, no?"
>"Well, it appears so, but im sure we can accomodate you two, if you'll excuse me for a second"
>You watch Lyra walk away from you, up to a table which seats two ponies who are leaning forwards looking dreamily at each other
>"Ahem!"
>Their spell is broken and they look surprised at Lyra
>"If you've finished your meal, I'm afraid im gonna need to ask you to leave"
>"B-but we only just finished our milkshake, w-we haven't even paid"
>Lyra raises an eyebrow and looks at the empty large cup on the table
>"Thats a strawberry milkshake for two, 20 bits, hoof em over"
>The stallion scaredly reaches into his saddle bag and produces 20 bits, which he hoofs over to Lyra while trembling
>Lyra motions with her head
>"Now go"
>The ponies hurriedly grab for their things and head out the door looking upset
>Looks like they wont be coming back soon
>Lyra comes back and acts like you didnt just witness her kicking them out
>"As luck would have it, a table was just cleared! Take a seat, and I'll be right with you"
>You take your seats, Rarity looks at you impressed
>”I have to say, Anon, I thought for sure that we’d have go to somewhere else, but you made that mare clear a table for us! Just what did you say to that waitress?”
>You put on a gentlemanly smile
“You said it yourself Rarity, I really know how to charm a lady, and I wasn’t gonna make the mistake of leaving THIS one”
>You lean forwards and boop her
“Waiting twice”
>Rarity blushes, and scrambles to raise her menu to hide her face
>”R-right.. ahem! S-shall we order?”
“Of course”
>Rarity tries to settle down
"I was thinking a chocolate milkshake, how about you?"
>The mention of chocolate brings Rarity back to normal
>"Oh that would be just perfect Darling, although..."
"Hmm? Is something wrong?"
>"Well, between you and me, don't you think lately I've been getting a little... pudgy?"
>Heh, let's just say you don't call her marshmellow for nothing
"You? Nonsense! You're fine, more than fine, I like a mare with a little more meat on her bones, besides, thin, skeleton-looking models are a thing of the past, it's all about healthy bodies now, and stressing over your body isn't very healthy, is it?"
>"I-I suppose you're right, I haven't had chocolate in a while, after all"
"Hey, it's fine to reward yourself every now and then, you help this town a lot with you work and generosity, you deserve it"
>Although something tells you she has been rewarding herself a tad too much lately
>"Thats very nice of you, Darling.... maybe a little couldn't hurt"
"Sweet!"
>Because if she ordered something else, then this move wouldn't have worked
>Lyra comes back just in time, levitating a little notepad and pen in front of her
>"Have you decided what you want to order, sir and ma'am?"
>Rarity is about to speak up when you interrupt her
"Yes, we'll have a chocolate milkshake for two, please"
>You see Rarity get a little redder, she opens her mouth just a bit to protest but quickly closes hoping you wouldn't notice
>You turn to her and give her an awkward smile
"Oh, sorry Rarity, it's just cheaper than ordering two individual ones, you don't mind, right?"
>"N-Not at all! It's your treat, i-it'd be rude of me to be picky"
"Thanks Rarity"
>Lyra gives you an odd look, but doesn't say anything as she scribbles your order down
>Whatever she's thinking, you hope she doesn't forget you have dirt on her
>"Okay then, I'll be right back with your milkshake, you two sit tight"
"Cool"
>Lyra leaves, and you prepare for the nitty gritty of the date
>Rarity is looking a little flustered, she's gotta have an idea of your intentions by now
>You gotta make her comfortable again, show her you mean no harm
>Something lighthearted
"Pfft, pudgy..."
>She perks up
>"Hmm?"
"Im just saying, you've got nothing to worry about. Don't tell her I said this, but if you wanna talk about pudgy, check out Twilight"
>She smiles a bit
"There's a mare who could use a little less body positivity in her life"
>Rarity chuckles
"When you girls go out to eat together, does Twilight get a whole table for herself?"
>She chuckles some more
>"Well, Darling, you know it isn't proper of a lady to gossip"
>Its very clear she really wants to
"...but?"
>"buuut, let's just say, we stopped splitting the bill a long time ago"
>You chuckle despite it not being all that funny
>"In fact, there was this one time when..."
>Here we go
>Nodding, nodding, chuckling, surprise face, nodding
>You're just glad she's comfortable again
>"But you know, Darling, we've been talking a lot about me all this time, how've you been doing?"
>Shit, she threw you a curve ball
>For the man to talk about himself at a date? Nonsense!
>Maybe you can spin this into something useful
"Not much is new, still working with AJ at the farm, although, I feel that work is a little too... brute, for me"
>"Oh? What do you mean?"
"I mean, I want something a little more... intellectual and creative, yknow?"
>This piques her interest
"I've got all these ideas just, ruminating in my head, stories, music, art, influenced by works made by other humans from where I come from, I feel there's nothing quite like it here"
>She's got her full attention on you now
>"Nothing quite like it here? Darling, thats amazing! Can you share one of these ideas with me? Oh- That is, if youre okay with it"
"Well, it's just a work in progress, I haven't told anyone, it's called 'Romeo and Juliet'"
>She's looking at you attentively
"It's about these two... ponies, that belong to completely different worlds, who, with the odds stacked against them, fall in love with each other in one chance encounter"
>She blushes a little, clearly seeing some parallel between you two
>Let's just hope she doesn't ask for more
>"...Go on"
>Shit
"Well, their families are very much against their union, and they do everything in their power to get them away from each other"
>She seems thrilled
>"...and then?"
"So, Juliet, to get her family away from her, fakes her own death, so that she may be free from them and can run away with Romeo"
>"Oooh! So they get together and run away, right?"
"No... Romeo finds her, not knowing she had planned to fake her death, and at the inmense sorrow of seeing her "dead", proceeds to kill himself"
>Rarity's smile and enthusiasm: Gone
>"...oh"
"And when Juliet wakes up, she sees Romeos corpse right next to her, realizing what had happened, she feels even more sorrow at his death and her actions, and commits suicide as well"
>"..."
"...and thats kinda how it ends"
>Probably should have lied saying it ended well
>"...Darling, that is"
>"AMAZING!"
"Huh?"
>She's nearly standing up out of her seat
>"The romanticism! The Melodrama! The Tragedy! It's got everything!"
"Does it?"
>"Yes! Oh, you simply MUST let me set you up with a book deal! I know a few ponies in the business who would DIE for a story this good!"
"That does sound pretty nice. You know, there's more where that came from"
>"Oh pleeeasee you must tell me more later, Darling! I had no idea you were this... inspired!"
"Heh, you know me, a man of many talents"
>That turned out better than expected
>Thanks Shakespeare



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm gay, Candyass, GAY. I suck dicks.

>"Anon, you're always alone, we need to set you up with a mare!"
"Dash, Im gay"
>Dash looks at you confused
>”Really? Are you happy with being alone? Anon, that’s not right!”
“What? No, I said I’m gay”
>”Yeah! How are you happy just being alone? Twilight said that no one could be happy like that, so we should help you g-“
“Dash, you’re not listening, I like the same sex”
>She stops mid sentence and looks at you, more confused than surprised
>”You... You what?”
“You know, I’m gay, a homosexual, a knob jockey, a meat masseuse”
>”Oh, meat? Yeah Twilight told us you might be into that, listen, I got some griffon friends who could-“
“No you crusty cunt, I mean man meat! You know?”
>”Well I’m sure they’ve got all kinds of meat Anon! Now about setting you up with a mare-“
“YOU DONT GET IT!”
>Dash flinches at your yell
“I LIKE COCK! IM A FUCKING FAGGOT!”

i've got a related idea:
"ok ok, listen. You like Applejack, right?"
>"right"
"it's the same thing for me"
>"do you like Applejack too?"
"NONONONO! ugh, nevermind!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>*knock knock knock*
>Late in the night, you wake from slumber, dreaming of Yu-gi-yo and how bullshit it was that Joey lost that duel, but your wasted youth of memorizing WBkids would have to be put on hold
>*knock knock knock*
>You drag yourself up from bed, throat parched from midnight drooling, forcing you wipe half you cheek of dried saliva, your eyes refusing to open fully from crusty eye boogers
>After three stubbed toes and banging your head on the low ceiling at least twice, you finally manage to reach your front door
>And lo and behold, your midnight delight was a visit from royalty
>Though your passive aggressive nature would compel you to be snide and rude at the drop of the hat, such vulgar displays, as well as most inner thoughts from displeasure at your current situation as most your life were quickly suppressed as it is far too familiar to be in a displeasurable situation.
"Good morning Cadance"
>"Good morning Anonymous, however, as of right now, you are to refer to me as Princess Cadenza"
"Ah that bad?"
>"I'm afraid so."
>Princess Cadance
>Or Princess Mi Amora Cadenza
>However, due to her nature of taking on a casual familiarity with her subjects, has self-demoted herself to a simple Cadance in passing, and a Cadenza on business
>You know this as it is common knowledge across Equestria and not from personal intimacies from the Princesses as you've never had such a close bond with any of the pony hierarchy
>Your business in Equestria has been far too pedestrian to be considered for such attention, as you are only a local anomaly as the ninth non-pony resident of Ponyville and thus any foreign charm that may have been derived from your exotic nature has been swept up in a sea of apathy and tolerance, dispelling all misunderstandings and annoyances that may have derived from my attitudes, behaviors, and beliefs to simply be written off as a custom from a place too far off to be relevant, yet must be tolerated for the sake of mutual tolerance
>The fact that Princess Cadenza came on business only means that she's come for something not half-hearted but for something she considers of upmost importance, of which she'd be willing to abandon, not only her child and husband, but leave a vacancy in the bureaucratic dynamic of an entire kingdom of time-distorted equestrians in the hooves of said time-shifted ponies.
"Well, then what can I do for you, Princess?"
>"Anonymous, be honest with me, what are your relationships with the ponies of Ponyville?"
>You look at her perplexed
>Your relationships?
>What could be so important about your relationships that would warrant such attention
>And thus, you ask her as much
>Although seeing as how this might lead to such a longer exposition and letting a conversation with royalty drag itself out in the middle of the night at the front of your door would not only incur unwarranted attention to what may become such an unimportant dialogue as well as being a common curtesy to visitors who might stay for an evening, you invite the princess into your humble abode
>That and it's drafty outside and you don't want to catch a chill
>Turning your door into a jar, you step aside far enough to allow her in, though not as much as you'd prefer in your preference of personal space being a 5'11 giant in a 3' world, where even the most accommodating home Ponyville could offer on short hand notice was still much too small and much too cramp
"I apologize, but I cannot get the lights at this time"
>"I'm sorry. Are you out of oil? Difficulties with magic crystals?"
"A bit of both, I'm afraid"
>The modern convenience you once knew has stifled your ability to adapt to such antiquities as oil lamps and fire-heated baths, although magic was a near perfect substitute in terms of convenience and simplicity, it however came at such a high dollar cost as to be financially impossibility at your present state, as your job as a clerk cannot subsidize such luxuries. As such, when confronted with a Equestrian budget option which seemed far too much effort for the quality, you've simply let yourself become accustomed to early bedtimes and cold baths. However, admitting as such would not only be irrelevant to a solution, but also a waste of time to explain in person and prolong a conversation with idle chatter not relevant to the business at hand, hoof, claw or other forelimb appendage that may be applicable
>Also, your lifestyle may not be seen as a degree of self-implemented character building, but might be seen as a sort of hyper sloth mentality which might be seen as unbecoming, so to spare yourself the embarrassment, you have never had oil in the house in the unlikely occasion that guests might show up at an untimely late hour.
>"Not to worry, I have a spell for this"
>And thus the unicorn, and in this regard can extend to Alicorns, master race flexes upon the magically deficient yet again
>Princess Cadenza closed her eyes for only a moment before the living room was bathed in orange light, making for a warm atmosphere contradicted by the brisk night outside
>"And the fireplace?"
>You were miffed at this, but didn't say as much. One because this was a tax on your firewood that you personally procured from the local forest and though labor brings character, it also brought with it sweat and exhaustion. Secondly, it was a signal that the Princess would be staying far longer than you would prefer
"Allow me"
>The fireplace was only modern inconvenience you allowed yourself, as the nights are far too uncomfortable to allow your place to cool during the late evenings and made a rather charming rural comfort in such a strange land. The crackle of fire would soothe your fatigue and restore your soul in a way that home-cooking and spirits just couldn't quite make up.
>With one strike of a match, a cut and dry log, and the rote muscle memory of a former outdoorsman, you bring another orange ambiance to your home
>You turn to see the Princess had made herself at home and was resting on the sofa, leaving you the only furnishing of your favorite and only, ugly, stained armchair
>Properly situated, the Princess begins the conversation anew
>"Anonymous, I have found that you are one of the few individuals in Equestria without a significant other. Is this true?"
>You give a dry chuckle
"Excuse me, Princess, but why is this important?"
>Important enough to bring a princess of a colonized kingdom across the continent for a lifestyle choice of a single citizen
>"Let me start by saying I am a Princess of Love. Though it may extend to terms of intimacies and affection, my domain is not relegated solely to a status of royalty in the Crystal Empire, but is a field of attunement to the metaphysical form of love. I am quite in tune with the state of love in a loose sense with much of the land of Equestria. And I can sense imbalances as well."
"I assume this is where I come into play"
>She smiles politely
>"Perhaps. I can feel the love in the air most everynight, without thinking or meditation. It is another sense for me. And I can also feel disturbances. Those with heartbreak, with loss, and with loneliness. And Ponyville has been biting in the back of my head for over ten month."
>You're starting to get the picture now
>"I looked into the matter and found that the only pony who are suffering from the heart is not a pony at all. That the only lonely colt was six foot ape who preferred the company of his own kind in a ponies' world."
>You tap a finger on your chair for a moment, before smiling at the princess
>"I apologize, Candenza, but I am not looking for love. I am very satisfied with the friends I have in town. Plenty of folks to shoot the shit and do favors for. I was hesitant before, however, I have come to accept the pony friendship into my life, however, I simply do not long for that sort of relationship."
>"Anonymous- may I call you Anon-"
"Of course"
>"Anon, I am an ascended being whose domain is squarely focused on love. If you were to talk to Princess Luna about the moon, who would be the authority figure on all lunar matters?"
>You pause for a moment, disgruntled with the way the direction this was going
"Princess Luna, of course"
>"And with matter of the Sun, who is the central authority on all matters of the Sun"
"… Princess Celestia."
>"So trust me on this. Though you may deny it to me, or perhaps even to yourself, that you are in need to be brought to a higher love, I know that you are in a lonely state of despair."
"'Despair' is a strong term, don't you think?"
>"When I close my eyes at night and listen to Ponyville, I hear a painful, existential screaming and the sounds of chairs clattering from thousands of miles away. Every night. I FEEL your pain. If you cannot trust yourself, trust an expert who knows."
>You chew on your lip and tap the arm of your chair again
>"If you are in need of aid, I can help. Accept that you are not happy, and we can build you a future where you are."
>You take a deep breath and wave a hand
"This is silly. I will not have any of it. Thank you, Princess, but I am very fine with how things are. So if you don't mind-"
>"I will order you to find a soul mate if you refuse my help."
>You stop
"Excuse me~?"
>"I am a Princess of Equestria, and can and will, if forced to, order you to find a marefriend."
"I-I-I-this is lunacy. This madness."
>"Madness? This is Equestria. And as a Princess, I may will any law with a wave of my hoof."
"This is tyranny."
>"Equestria is a benevolent tyranny for eons, and now it has placed it's benevolence squarely onto your shoulders. You may buckle, but you cannot shirk this."
"I-I will petition Princess Celestia. You have overstepped your boundaries"
>"Though Princess Celestia may be taller than me, and has a wavier mane than I, that makes me no less a princess and her equal. Thus, she will not intrude upon my commands."
"She is the princess of the sun."
>"And I am the princess of love"
"But Celestia… she-she's…"
>"Tall! She is tall and nothing else. Celestia is taller than me and nothing more, Anon. In the years, you've lived here has any crisis been averted by her hoof?"
"…"
>"Of the royal sisterhood, there is only Twilight who stands above us in terms of non-de facto power and you've met Twilight before, yes?"
"Oh God, yes."
>Her face becomes sinsister
>"So there is nothing stopping me from turning this February into 'Finding-Anon-A-Date month"
"Alright, enough! I concede! I will take your help, though I will tell you, I am not in need of-" You flop your hand around in the air, "'that' sort of relationship"
>Cadance looks at you much more softly
>"Anon, everyone needs love, pony or otherwise. And you'll realize soon enough, that you need this"
"For the time being, I will simply take your word."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>"We should start by you telling me what your type is."
>You put a hand on your chin and think
>Of all the things you look for in someone, what would you need them to be?
>After much deliberation, you stat confidently
"I would want her to love me."
>"And… anything else?"
>You shrug
>"Wow. Yeah, I'm starting to understand why I should be here."
>You simply shrug again
"Alright, you're the expert. You tell me. What my type is?"
>"Well, Anon, you're an extraordinary case. You, by these means, are a betrayal of natural instinct and psychology."
"Rude"
>"Do you have a dick, Anon?"
"I-What?"
>"Answer the question."
"I- yes. Yes I do"
>"Why do you have a dick?"
>You scratch the back of your head uncomfortably
"For sex. To have sex"
>"And have you had sex?"
>Your silence is undoubtable incriminating
>"So, let me ask again. Why do you have a dick?"
"…Very rude"
>"Thus, an abnormal psychology like your won't balance well with a normal mare. They're all going to live perfect, happy, normal lives, with other happy normal stallions. For you, we need someone that can create a cooperative relationship that's balanced."
"When does your help stop degrading my ego?"
>She continues to ignore your commentary
>"So after a bit of research on the ponies in town," She magically pulls out a list and reading glasses, "We have a few mares who might be compatible with you"
"Joy, joy. Can I see?"
>She nods and floats you the list
>Let's see
>Twilight Sparkle
>Rainbow Dash
>Pinkie Pie
"This it?"
>"Most mares tend to be normal, and the ones that aren't tend to be lesbians"
"Go figure.">"Leaving us with only a few options."
"Isn't Pinkie Pie involved with some dude?"
>"Hmm?"
"Like a stallion, likes to party too."
>"Not ringing any bells"
"He had a big hair and an accordion."
>"Probably doesn't exist"
"Sounds like Weird Al."
>"Not. Canon."
>You shrug
"Alright, fine by me. I just have to get a date and we'll be done."
>"Oh no, I'm staying here to help you until we've healed your heart"
"And where will you be staying while I undertake your mission"
>She just waves her forelegs open
"Of course"
>"For one, I don't want to cause a commotion that might distract ponies or tip them off that I'm helping you, else this may seem a bit forced on your part."
"A bit!?"
>"Secondly, I want to stay close by during any time of respite that you don't lose your way or give up hope."
>You put your head in your hands and rub your cheeks
"Of~ course."





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