fuck me

guess i should just stop trying
why am i ALWAYS the last person people tell things to?? why am i ALWAYS left out of the equation?? i trust all of you SO ****ING MUCH and everyone always fails to, you know, actually ****ing care back. actually tell me theyre okay. actually see me as something more than whats in the background. im never first place in anyones heart, im never first place for anything for any relationship so why ****ing try?? all im gonna do is get stepped on over and over and over and over and OVER so when the FLYING **** am i gonna learn to stop trying any mind my own goddamn business?

every time i open my heart to people they use it for whatever they want
fine
its gone
im ripping it out with my bare ****ing hands because im sick and tired of it breaking. im sick and tired of being last place. im sick and tired of all of this

do i make people uncomfortable? do i annoy them? ive been trying so hard for nothing. ive been trying so hard to reform into the person people want me to be, just for them to treat it completely for granted.
NONE of you tell me jack ****ing ****. ever. i trust you, but you dont trust me back. i pour my heart into my friends, my family, for what? for it to break? yeah, no thank you. if none of you guys are gonna give me even an iota of the care im trying to put in, then why should i try back? its clear that ive put my faith in all the wrong people


but then again, im an idiot
im just gonna come back and keep getting hurt again and again, arent i?
i dont know what to do...