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  1.  
  2. >
  3. My name is Amy
  4. and it's my show!
  5.  
  6.  
  7. >
  8. (rap music playing)
  9.  
  10.  
  11. >
  12. ¶ Man ¶
  13.  
  14.  
  15. >
  16. ¶ Uh ¶
  17.  
  18.  
  19. >
  20. ¶ Bitches ain't shit ¶
  21.  
  22.  
  23. >
  24. ¶ And they ain't
  25. sayin' nothin' ¶
  26.  
  27.  
  28. >
  29. ¶ A hundred motherfuckers
  30. can't tell me nothin' ¶
  31.  
  32.  
  33. >
  34. ¶ I beez in the trap ¶
  35.  
  36.  
  37. >
  38. ¶ BeBeez in the trap ¶
  39.  
  40.  
  41. >
  42. ¶ I beez in the trap ¶
  43.  
  44.  
  45. >
  46. ¶ BeBeez in the trap ¶
  47.  
  48.  
  49. >
  50. ¶ Man I been did that ¶
  51.  
  52.  
  53. >
  54. ¶ Man I been popped off ¶
  55.  
  56.  
  57. >
  58. ¶ And if she ain't trying
  59. to give it ¶
  60.  
  61.  
  62. >
  63. ¶ Then she get dropped off ¶
  64.  
  65.  
  66. >
  67. ¶ Let me bust that Uie ¶
  68.  
  69.  
  70. >
  71. ¶ Bitch bust that open ¶
  72.  
  73.  
  74. >
  75. ¶ Might spend a couple thou' ¶
  76.  
  77.  
  78. >
  79. ¶ Just to bust that open ¶
  80.  
  81.  
  82. >
  83. (cheers applause)
  84.  
  85.  
  86. >
  87. MC
  88. You know her
  89. from her hit TV show.
  90.  
  91.  
  92. >
  93. You loved her
  94. in the movie "Trainwreck."
  95.  
  96.  
  97. >
  98. Harlem it's time
  99. to give it up
  100.  
  101.  
  102. >
  103. for the one and only
  104. Amy Schumer!
  105.  
  106.  
  107. >
  108. ¶ Bitches ain't shit ¶
  109.  
  110.  
  111. >
  112. ¶ And they ain't
  113. sayin' nothin' ¶
  114.  
  115.  
  116. >
  117. ¶ A hundred motherfuckers
  118. can't tell me nothin' ¶
  119.  
  120.  
  121. >
  122. ¶ I beez in the trap ¶
  123.  
  124.  
  125. >
  126. ¶ BeBeez in the trap ¶
  127.  
  128.  
  129. >
  130. ¶ I beez in the trap ¶
  131.  
  132.  
  133. >
  134. ¶ BeBeez in the trap ¶
  135.  
  136.  
  137. >
  138. Get up!
  139. Get the fuck up Apollo!
  140.  
  141.  
  142. >
  143. Come on!
  144.  
  145.  
  146. >
  147. (cheering whistling)
  148.  
  149.  
  150. >
  151. Thank you!
  152.  
  153.  
  154. >
  155. Please sit I
  156. I would never ask
  157.  
  158.  
  159. >
  160. you to stand.
  161. I can't believe
  162.  
  163.  
  164. >
  165. you all stood...
  166.  
  167.  
  168. >
  169. of your own volition
  170. thank you.
  171.  
  172.  
  173. >
  174. That's never happened.
  175.  
  176.  
  177. >
  178. (cheering whistling)
  179.  
  180.  
  181. >
  182. Thank you so much
  183. for being here.
  184.  
  185.  
  186. >
  187. This has been
  188. an insane year for me.
  189.  
  190.  
  191. >
  192. I started out I made
  193. two New Year's resolutions.
  194.  
  195.  
  196. >
  197. I uh...
  198. Number one
  199.  
  200.  
  201. >
  202. I wanted to catfish someone.
  203.  
  204.  
  205. >
  206. Did it loved it
  207. recommend it.
  208.  
  209.  
  210. >
  211. (laughter)
  212.  
  213.  
  214. >
  215. And number two
  216. was to this year
  217.  
  218.  
  219. >
  220. just once take off
  221. a pair of underwear
  222.  
  223.  
  224. >
  225. and have it not look
  226. like I blew my nose in it.
  227. Now...
  228.  
  229.  
  230. >
  231. Same? Same?
  232.  
  233.  
  234. >
  235. No? You're
  236. kind of like "No no."
  237.  
  238.  
  239. >
  240. So you find a pair
  241. of underwear on the floor
  242.  
  243.  
  244. >
  245. and you're like
  246. "How do I know
  247. if I wore it?"
  248.  
  249.  
  250. >
  251. Please you know. You know.
  252.  
  253.  
  254. >
  255. (laughter)
  256.  
  257.  
  258. >
  259. She knows.
  260.  
  261.  
  262. >
  263. I'm like
  264. "Oh cool they filmed
  265.  
  266.  
  267. >
  268. "Charlotte's Web
  269. in my underwear wow.
  270.  
  271.  
  272. >
  273. 'Salutations'? Okay."
  274.  
  275.  
  276. >
  277. I don't know why the guys
  278. look grossed out.
  279.  
  280.  
  281. >
  282. Your underwear looks like
  283. a coal miner wiped
  284. their brow...
  285.  
  286.  
  287. >
  288. (laughs) at the end
  289. of a shift a long shift.
  290.  
  291.  
  292. >
  293. So my name is Amy
  294. and I'm at the Apollo. Um...
  295.  
  296.  
  297. >
  298. (cheering)
  299. Right?
  300.  
  301.  
  302. >
  303. You guys all look like
  304. you're from this neighborhood.
  305.  
  306.  
  307. >
  308. (laughter)
  309.  
  310.  
  311. >
  312. So... Here's how
  313. I wound up here. Okay?
  314.  
  315.  
  316. >
  317. Let me just catch you up.
  318.  
  319.  
  320. >
  321. My two front teeth
  322. didn't fall out
  323.  
  324.  
  325. >
  326. until I was in fifth grade.
  327.  
  328.  
  329. >
  330. (laughter)
  331.  
  332.  
  333. >
  334. Which is late.
  335.  
  336.  
  337. >
  338. (laughter)
  339.  
  340.  
  341. >
  342. And that same week
  343. I got my period.
  344.  
  345.  
  346. >
  347. (cheers scattered applause)
  348.  
  349.  
  350. >
  351. Which is early!
  352.  
  353.  
  354. >
  355. So I was just like
  356. this jacko'lantern
  357.  
  358.  
  359. >
  360. with tits walking around
  361. like... (groaning)
  362.  
  363.  
  364. >
  365. (groaning)
  366.  
  367.  
  368. >
  369. Trick or treat. (groans)
  370.  
  371.  
  372. >
  373. I was like Pinocchio
  374. transitioning to a donkey.
  375.  
  376.  
  377. >
  378. I was like
  379. "Heehaw!" (groans)
  380.  
  381.  
  382. >
  383. (laughter)
  384.  
  385.  
  386. >
  387. And I had one of those
  388. really cool moms who told me
  389.  
  390.  
  391. >
  392. "You don't need to shave
  393. above your knee
  394.  
  395.  
  396. >
  397. just... here down."
  398.  
  399.  
  400. >
  401. So here up
  402. I was just a werewolf just...
  403.  
  404.  
  405. >
  406. Mr. Tumnus here to here.
  407.  
  408.  
  409. >
  410. Benicio Del Toro...
  411.  
  412.  
  413. >
  414. beneath my torso.
  415.  
  416.  
  417. >
  418. I'm so happy to be filming
  419. my special here in New York.
  420.  
  421.  
  422. >
  423. I grew up here
  424. I was born here
  425.  
  426.  
  427. >
  428. um did my first
  429. everything here
  430.  
  431.  
  432. >
  433. um still no anal...
  434. (laughter)
  435.  
  436.  
  437. >
  438. But I just love New York
  439.  
  440.  
  441. >
  442. 'cause it's a town
  443. where I can get laid.
  444.  
  445.  
  446. >
  447. Like I can catch a "D" here
  448. kinda whenevs yeah.
  449.  
  450.  
  451. >
  452. And uh I was in LA
  453. for a little while and um...
  454.  
  455.  
  456. >
  457. can't can't there.
  458.  
  459.  
  460. >
  461. Uh...
  462.  
  463.  
  464. >
  465. Just in case you've
  466. never been to LA
  467.  
  468.  
  469. >
  470. it is um filled with
  471. the most beautiful people
  472.  
  473.  
  474. >
  475. from all over the world.
  476.  
  477.  
  478. >
  479. So picture the most beautiful
  480. girl in your high school
  481.  
  482.  
  483. >
  484. like the one
  485. that you wanted to be.
  486.  
  487.  
  488. >
  489. Okay? I'm talking
  490. to the guys right now.
  491.  
  492.  
  493. >
  494. (laughter)
  495.  
  496.  
  497. >
  498. And everybody was like
  499. "You're too pretty
  500.  
  501.  
  502. >
  503. for Buffalo Brittany
  504. go to LA. Go."
  505.  
  506.  
  507. >
  508. Everyone is hot there.
  509.  
  510.  
  511. >
  512. Everybody okay.
  513.  
  514.  
  515. >
  516. I saw a guy he was cleaning
  517. up a Pizza Hut bathroom.
  518.  
  519.  
  520. >
  521. I would have paid
  522. this guy to fuck me.
  523.  
  524.  
  525. >
  526. I would have paid
  527. him good money.
  528.  
  529.  
  530. >
  531. I don't People don't
  532. even see me there.
  533.  
  534.  
  535. >
  536. Like I just
  537. They 're just like
  538.  
  539.  
  540. >
  541. "Is that a fat tumbleweed?
  542. Like what's..."
  543.  
  544.  
  545. >
  546. My body type there
  547. they're like
  548.  
  549.  
  550. >
  551. My arms register
  552. as legs there.
  553.  
  554.  
  555. >
  556. They're just...
  557.  
  558.  
  559. >
  560. They're like
  561. "Is that an octopus?
  562.  
  563.  
  564. >
  565. I don't understand."
  566.  
  567.  
  568. >
  569. And my legs register
  570. as firewood.
  571.  
  572.  
  573. >
  574. They're just like...
  575.  
  576.  
  577. >
  578. like "Why is the BFG
  579. on Sunset?" Just...
  580.  
  581.  
  582. >
  583. It got to the point
  584. I was in LA I was so excited.
  585.  
  586.  
  587. >
  588. Somebody tweeted
  589. about another actress.
  590.  
  591.  
  592. >
  593. They were like
  594. "She looks like
  595. a fat Amy Schumer"
  596.  
  597.  
  598. >
  599. and I was like "Yes!"
  600.  
  601.  
  602. >
  603. (laughter)
  604.  
  605.  
  606. >
  607. "It's not me!"
  608.  
  609.  
  610. >
  611. It's so insanely
  612.  
  613.  
  614. >
  615. Like if I go
  616. on an audition in New York
  617.  
  618.  
  619. >
  620. it's for like the cute girl
  621. you didn't notice
  622.  
  623.  
  624. >
  625. 'cause she was like
  626. wearing khakis or something.
  627.  
  628.  
  629. >
  630. Like "There can't be
  631. a pussy under there
  632.  
  633.  
  634. >
  635. those are khakis."
  636.  
  637.  
  638. >
  639. (laughter)
  640.  
  641.  
  642. >
  643. How would that even work?
  644.  
  645.  
  646. >
  647. But then in LA
  648. I'll be in a waiting room
  649.  
  650.  
  651. >
  652. they're like um
  653. "Amy it says here
  654.  
  655.  
  656. >
  657. "Are you reading for the girl
  658. getting gastric bypass?
  659.  
  660.  
  661. >
  662. Is that correct?"
  663.  
  664.  
  665. >
  666. "Amy who did you Did you
  667. play Gilbert Grape's mom?
  668.  
  669.  
  670. >
  671. I can't place you."
  672.  
  673.  
  674. >
  675. (laughter)
  676.  
  677.  
  678. >
  679. I'm like "No."
  680. They're like
  681.  
  682.  
  683. >
  684. "Okay well
  685. you didn't get the part.
  686.  
  687.  
  688. >
  689. "But do you want us to put
  690. a hose on you keep you moist
  691.  
  692.  
  693. >
  694. so we can return
  695. you to the sea Blackfish?"
  696.  
  697.  
  698. >
  699. (laughter)
  700.  
  701.  
  702. >
  703. It's fucked up.
  704.  
  705.  
  706. >
  707. And that's not how it is
  708. for the dudes at all okay?
  709.  
  710.  
  711. >
  712. Like I just happened
  713. to see the movie "Zookeeper."
  714.  
  715.  
  716. >
  717. Did you ever see that movie?
  718.  
  719.  
  720. >
  721. Okay if you didn't
  722. don't all right?
  723.  
  724.  
  725. >
  726. Don't see that. But...
  727.  
  728.  
  729. >
  730. So "Zookeeper" is about
  731. talking animals okay?
  732.  
  733.  
  734. >
  735. And the male
  736. romantic lead is...
  737.  
  738.  
  739. >
  740. (in sultry voice) Kevin James.
  741.  
  742.  
  743. >
  744. Um...
  745.  
  746.  
  747. >
  748. (breathes heavily)
  749.  
  750.  
  751. >
  752. Oh my God I know.
  753.  
  754.  
  755. >
  756. Is it wet in here
  757. ladies or is it us?
  758.  
  759.  
  760. >
  761. (moans)
  762. (laughter)
  763.  
  764.  
  765. >
  766. The real King James.
  767.  
  768.  
  769. >
  770. And uh... (moans)
  771.  
  772.  
  773. >
  774. And Kevin James is dating
  775. a beautiful blonde skeleton.
  776.  
  777.  
  778. >
  779. And...
  780. (laughter)
  781.  
  782.  
  783. >
  784. And he's sad because
  785. sometimes she's mean to him.
  786.  
  787.  
  788. >
  789. And then...
  790.  
  791.  
  792. >
  793. the girl who is
  794. in love with him
  795.  
  796.  
  797. >
  798. who he doesn't notice
  799. who's been there all along
  800.  
  801.  
  802. >
  803. waiting in the wings
  804.  
  805.  
  806. >
  807. is Rosario Dawson...
  808.  
  809.  
  810. >
  811. arguably the most
  812. fuckable actress ever.
  813.  
  814.  
  815. >
  816. Rosario Dawson is just
  817. like working at the zoo
  818.  
  819.  
  820. >
  821. just like sweeping
  822. up koala shit.
  823.  
  824.  
  825. >
  826. Like
  827. "Please fuck me Kevin James."
  828.  
  829.  
  830. >
  831. (laughter)
  832.  
  833.  
  834. >
  835. "Why won't Kevin James
  836. give me his dick?" (whines)
  837.  
  838.  
  839. >
  840. And he's like
  841.  
  842.  
  843. >
  844. "Ew you're wearing
  845. khakis never."
  846.  
  847.  
  848. >
  849. (laughter)
  850.  
  851.  
  852. >
  853. Like that movie's
  854. about talking animals.
  855.  
  856.  
  857. >
  858. There is a beaver
  859. and a penguin that are friends
  860.  
  861.  
  862. >
  863. and talk about opening
  864. a bed and breakfast.
  865.  
  866.  
  867. >
  868. But that's not
  869. the most unrealistic part
  870. of that movie.
  871.  
  872.  
  873. >
  874. It's Rosario
  875. pretending
  876.  
  877.  
  878. >
  879. She should get an Oscar
  880. for that fucking movie.
  881.  
  882.  
  883. >
  884. Let's see Meryl do that.
  885.  
  886.  
  887. >
  888. I dare you Meryl.
  889.  
  890.  
  891. >
  892. Pretend like
  893. you're dying to have
  894. Kevin James deep dick you.
  895.  
  896.  
  897. >
  898. I... I dare you.
  899.  
  900.  
  901. >
  902. It's fucked up in Hollywood.
  903.  
  904.  
  905. >
  906. That's why I I wrote a movie
  907. last year and I uh...
  908.  
  909.  
  910. >
  911. (audience cheers)
  912. Yeah thank you.
  913.  
  914.  
  915. >
  916. Thanks. I did it.
  917.  
  918.  
  919. >
  920. And I went like that
  921. and then send
  922.  
  923.  
  924. >
  925. and I'm a hero and uh...
  926.  
  927.  
  928. >
  929. But they were like
  930. "We're gonna make your movie."
  931.  
  932.  
  933. >
  934. And I was like
  935. "Oh my God
  936.  
  937.  
  938. >
  939. this is so great
  940. 'cause I love money."
  941.  
  942.  
  943. >
  944. (laughter)
  945. Um...
  946.  
  947.  
  948. >
  949. So I wrote this movie and uh
  950.  
  951.  
  952. >
  953. and I just assumed
  954. that they would cast
  955.  
  956.  
  957. >
  958. like a beautiful
  959. modely actress
  960.  
  961.  
  962. >
  963. to play the lead role and uh
  964.  
  965.  
  966. >
  967. You know like
  968. a Blake Lively or like a...
  969.  
  970.  
  971. >
  972. Sofía Vergara...
  973.  
  974.  
  975. >
  976. Verge... Verchair...
  977.  
  978.  
  979. >
  980. Vergina... and uh
  981.  
  982.  
  983. >
  984. and then I'd be on set
  985. just as like a writer
  986.  
  987.  
  988. >
  989. with like a messy bun
  990. and a laptop like
  991.  
  992.  
  993. >
  994. "Um Miss Lively
  995. the line's actually
  996.  
  997.  
  998. >
  999. 'My pussy hurts.'"
  1000.  
  1001.  
  1002. >
  1003. And...
  1004. (laughter)
  1005.  
  1006.  
  1007. >
  1008. And she'd be like
  1009. "Why is there
  1010. a garden gnome on set?"
  1011.  
  1012.  
  1013. >
  1014. And um...
  1015.  
  1016.  
  1017. >
  1018. And I would just like
  1019. stumble back to my sad office.
  1020.  
  1021.  
  1022. >
  1023. But... they were like
  1024.  
  1025.  
  1026. >
  1027. "No we want you
  1028. to be in the movie."
  1029.  
  1030.  
  1031. >
  1032. And I was like
  1033. "Oh my God. Me?"
  1034.  
  1035.  
  1036. >
  1037. They were like "Yes."
  1038.  
  1039.  
  1040. >
  1041. They were like
  1042. "We just need you
  1043. to do three things.
  1044.  
  1045.  
  1046. >
  1047. "One just be yourself.
  1048.  
  1049.  
  1050. >
  1051. "Two have fun.
  1052.  
  1053.  
  1054. >
  1055. And three stop eating food."
  1056.  
  1057.  
  1058. >
  1059. And I was like
  1060. "Wait a minute!
  1061.  
  1062.  
  1063. >
  1064. I'm sorry don't people
  1065. need food to live?"
  1066.  
  1067.  
  1068. >
  1069. They were like
  1070. "That's a myth."
  1071.  
  1072.  
  1073. >
  1074. So I was like "Okay."
  1075.  
  1076.  
  1077. >
  1078. And they were like
  1079. "No. You promise?"
  1080.  
  1081.  
  1082. >
  1083. I was like
  1084. "You guys...
  1085.  
  1086.  
  1087. >
  1088. "like I don't
  1089. even like food.
  1090.  
  1091.  
  1092. >
  1093. "I was just eating it
  1094. 'cause I was bored.
  1095.  
  1096.  
  1097. >
  1098. "Like ugh.
  1099.  
  1100.  
  1101. >
  1102. Who wants to like chew
  1103. and eat food all the time?"
  1104.  
  1105.  
  1106. >
  1107. Me. I do.
  1108.  
  1109.  
  1110. >
  1111. It turns out
  1112. I need food and uh...
  1113.  
  1114.  
  1115. >
  1116. So they got me a trainer.
  1117.  
  1118.  
  1119. >
  1120. And I've never
  1121. had a trainer before
  1122.  
  1123.  
  1124. >
  1125. and this guy is the trainer.
  1126.  
  1127.  
  1128. >
  1129. He's like trains all
  1130. the Hemsworthses and um...
  1131.  
  1132.  
  1133. >
  1134. (laughter)
  1135.  
  1136.  
  1137. >
  1138. ...like Megan Fox
  1139. and like an actual fox.
  1140.  
  1141.  
  1142. >
  1143. Like everything
  1144. that you wanna fuck
  1145.  
  1146.  
  1147. >
  1148. this guy has gotten
  1149. his mitts on and uh...
  1150.  
  1151.  
  1152. >
  1153. And so we're meeting
  1154. for the first time
  1155.  
  1156.  
  1157. >
  1158. and I can really picture him
  1159. like it was like slowmo.
  1160.  
  1161.  
  1162. >
  1163. I saw him see me and wince.
  1164.  
  1165.  
  1166. >
  1167. Like "Ooh. Um..."
  1168.  
  1169.  
  1170. >
  1171. He wasn't used
  1172. to this kind of cargo.
  1173.  
  1174.  
  1175. >
  1176. So he's walking toward me
  1177.  
  1178.  
  1179. >
  1180. and he's smiling at me
  1181. like trying to be brave
  1182.  
  1183.  
  1184. >
  1185. like you would for
  1186. like a burn victim.
  1187.  
  1188.  
  1189. >
  1190. Like he's like...
  1191.  
  1192.  
  1193. >
  1194. (laughter)
  1195.  
  1196.  
  1197. >
  1198. "I can see there's a human
  1199. under there somewhere."
  1200.  
  1201.  
  1202. >
  1203. And uh...
  1204.  
  1205.  
  1206. >
  1207. And like I I see him
  1208. looking at me
  1209.  
  1210.  
  1211. >
  1212. and I know he's like
  1213. assessing what's up with me.
  1214.  
  1215.  
  1216. >
  1217. So I'm trying to make muscles
  1218.  
  1219.  
  1220. >
  1221. that like my body
  1222. doesn't even support.
  1223.  
  1224.  
  1225. >
  1226. I'm just like...
  1227.  
  1228.  
  1229. >
  1230. Like I look like one
  1231. of those inflatable things
  1232.  
  1233.  
  1234. >
  1235. outside a car wash
  1236. that are like...
  1237.  
  1238.  
  1239. >
  1240. I'm like... (groans)
  1241.  
  1242.  
  1243. >
  1244. And uh...
  1245.  
  1246.  
  1247. >
  1248. And so...
  1249.  
  1250.  
  1251. >
  1252. he gives me this
  1253. um this like questionnaire.
  1254.  
  1255.  
  1256. >
  1257. He's like "Okay.
  1258.  
  1259.  
  1260. >
  1261. How many drinks
  1262. do you have in a week?"
  1263.  
  1264.  
  1265. >
  1266. And I'm like you know
  1267. how you get just like
  1268.  
  1269.  
  1270. >
  1271. just once in a while
  1272. you're like
  1273.  
  1274.  
  1275. >
  1276. "What if I'm just honest
  1277. for the fuck of it?"
  1278.  
  1279.  
  1280. >
  1281. Like "What if I just...
  1282.  
  1283.  
  1284. >
  1285. What if I keep it real
  1286. with this guy right now?"
  1287.  
  1288.  
  1289. >
  1290. So I'm like...
  1291.  
  1292.  
  1293. >
  1294. "."
  1295.  
  1296.  
  1297. >
  1298. (laughter)
  1299.  
  1300.  
  1301. >
  1302. (cheering whistling)
  1303.  
  1304.  
  1305. >
  1306. "."
  1307.  
  1308.  
  1309. >
  1310. And uh...
  1311.  
  1312.  
  1313. >
  1314. And he's like "No alcohol."
  1315.  
  1316.  
  1317. >
  1318. And I'm like "No alcohol."
  1319.  
  1320.  
  1321. >
  1322. And...
  1323.  
  1324.  
  1325. >
  1326. And uh he's like
  1327.  
  1328.  
  1329. >
  1330. "All right take me through
  1331. what you eat in a day."
  1332.  
  1333.  
  1334. >
  1335. And he stops me at noon.
  1336.  
  1337.  
  1338. >
  1339. Like he had heard enough.
  1340.  
  1341.  
  1342. >
  1343. He's like "I get it."
  1344.  
  1345.  
  1346. >
  1347. So...
  1348.  
  1349.  
  1350. >
  1351. And then he's like
  1352. "Okay well here's
  1353. your new diet all right?
  1354.  
  1355.  
  1356. >
  1357. "So for breakfast
  1358. you'll have a smoothie.
  1359.  
  1360.  
  1361. >
  1362. "And then for lunch
  1363. you'll journal
  1364.  
  1365.  
  1366. >
  1367. "about that smoothie.
  1368.  
  1369.  
  1370. >
  1371. "And then you put a peanut
  1372. under your pillow
  1373.  
  1374.  
  1375. >
  1376. and you hope
  1377. you dream about pizza."
  1378.  
  1379.  
  1380. >
  1381. And I'm like...
  1382.  
  1383.  
  1384. >
  1385. (laughter)
  1386.  
  1387.  
  1388. >
  1389. I'm like "Um I kind of
  1390. have to stop you here.
  1391.  
  1392.  
  1393. >
  1394. "It's sounding like
  1395. at times I will be hungry.
  1396.  
  1397.  
  1398. >
  1399. "Um...
  1400.  
  1401.  
  1402. >
  1403. Did I miss a couple
  1404. of courses in there? Uh..."
  1405.  
  1406.  
  1407. >
  1408. And he had to explain to me
  1409.  
  1410.  
  1411. >
  1412. like "No sometimes
  1413. people are hungry."
  1414.  
  1415.  
  1416. >
  1417. And I'm like "Oh my God.
  1418. Well where are they?
  1419.  
  1420.  
  1421. >
  1422. Can we bring them food?"
  1423.  
  1424.  
  1425. >
  1426. Like "I've got some extra
  1427. stuff in my apartment
  1428.  
  1429.  
  1430. >
  1431. like not a lot
  1432. Actually let's just
  1433. get them their own food."
  1434.  
  1435.  
  1436. >
  1437. Um...
  1438.  
  1439.  
  1440. >
  1441. And like that's
  1442. the secret I found out.
  1443.  
  1444.  
  1445. >
  1446. Like that's
  1447. Hollywood's secret.
  1448.  
  1449.  
  1450. >
  1451. They don't put food
  1452. in their faces
  1453.  
  1454.  
  1455. >
  1456. and that's not
  1457. an option for me.
  1458.  
  1459.  
  1460. >
  1461. Like I don't know
  1462. how it was...
  1463.  
  1464.  
  1465. >
  1466. how it was in your house
  1467. growing up but in our
  1468.  
  1469.  
  1470. >
  1471. in my house
  1472. it was like
  1473.  
  1474.  
  1475. >
  1476. you would eat till
  1477. you were in a lot of pain...
  1478.  
  1479.  
  1480. >
  1481. (laughter)
  1482.  
  1483.  
  1484. >
  1485. then you'd take
  1486. like a little breather...
  1487.  
  1488.  
  1489. >
  1490. and you get yourself back
  1491. in even more pain right?
  1492.  
  1493.  
  1494. >
  1495. Like I was born weighing .
  1496.  
  1497.  
  1498. >
  1499. Like I just
  1500. came out swinging.
  1501.  
  1502.  
  1503. >
  1504. Like "Give me linguine Ma!"
  1505.  
  1506.  
  1507. >
  1508. (laughter cheers)
  1509.  
  1510.  
  1511. >
  1512. That's how it's been.
  1513.  
  1514.  
  1515. >
  1516. Like I have never
  1517. in my life
  1518.  
  1519.  
  1520. >
  1521. I've never said
  1522. this sentence in my life
  1523.  
  1524.  
  1525. >
  1526. I've never said "Oh my God.
  1527. I forgot to have lunch today."
  1528.  
  1529.  
  1530. >
  1531. Like never in my life.
  1532.  
  1533.  
  1534. >
  1535. If anything I've been like
  1536.  
  1537.  
  1538. >
  1539. "Oh shit.
  1540. I had two lunches today...
  1541.  
  1542.  
  1543. >
  1544. that lunch
  1545. and that other lunch."
  1546.  
  1547.  
  1548. >
  1549. Um...
  1550.  
  1551.  
  1552. >
  1553. So I was like
  1554. "I don't think I can do
  1555. this not eating thing.
  1556.  
  1557.  
  1558. >
  1559. "What if I... just develop
  1560. an eating disorder?
  1561.  
  1562.  
  1563. >
  1564. Like I'm a white girl.
  1565. I can do it you know?"
  1566.  
  1567.  
  1568. >
  1569. So I uh
  1570. I made a decision.
  1571.  
  1572.  
  1573. >
  1574. I was like "I'm gonna get
  1575. a lateinlife
  1576. eating disorder."
  1577.  
  1578.  
  1579. >
  1580. And...
  1581.  
  1582.  
  1583. >
  1584. So I binged regularly
  1585. and uh...
  1586.  
  1587.  
  1588. >
  1589. and then I was like
  1590. "Here we go.
  1591.  
  1592.  
  1593. >
  1594. First day pukin'."
  1595.  
  1596.  
  1597. >
  1598. And... and my body
  1599. was like "No bitch.
  1600.  
  1601.  
  1602. >
  1603. (laughter)
  1604.  
  1605.  
  1606. >
  1607. No we keep our food here."
  1608.  
  1609.  
  1610. >
  1611. It turns out that's not
  1612. available to everybody.
  1613.  
  1614.  
  1615. >
  1616. What was available
  1617. to me was
  1618.  
  1619.  
  1620. >
  1621. popping all the blood vessels
  1622. in my left eye.
  1623.  
  1624.  
  1625. >
  1626. (laughter)
  1627.  
  1628.  
  1629. >
  1630. So...
  1631.  
  1632.  
  1633. >
  1634. Not only...
  1635. was I super bloated
  1636.  
  1637.  
  1638. >
  1639. but then I had
  1640. this weird dead lizard eye.
  1641.  
  1642.  
  1643. >
  1644. (laughter)
  1645.  
  1646.  
  1647. >
  1648. People thought
  1649. I was an oracle.
  1650.  
  1651.  
  1652. >
  1653. They were like...
  1654.  
  1655.  
  1656. >
  1657. asking about their future.
  1658.  
  1659.  
  1660. >
  1661. And I was like
  1662. "I'm just hungry.
  1663.  
  1664.  
  1665. >
  1666. "I don't know.
  1667.  
  1668.  
  1669. >
  1670. I don't know
  1671. about your future."
  1672.  
  1673.  
  1674. >
  1675. So I...
  1676.  
  1677.  
  1678. >
  1679. Even from just not drinking
  1680. I did I lost like ten pounds.
  1681.  
  1682.  
  1683. >
  1684. And this trainer acted like
  1685. he taught Helen Keller
  1686. how to read.
  1687.  
  1688.  
  1689. >
  1690. He was like "There she is.
  1691. There's my girl."
  1692.  
  1693.  
  1694. >
  1695. So I showed up
  1696. to film this movie
  1697.  
  1698.  
  1699. >
  1700. and I was like
  1701. "I think I'm a model now."
  1702.  
  1703.  
  1704. >
  1705. Like ten
  1706. I was seriously
  1707.  
  1708.  
  1709. >
  1710. I think a lot
  1711. of girls are like this.
  1712.  
  1713.  
  1714. >
  1715. I We have like
  1716. a sneaking suspicion
  1717.  
  1718.  
  1719. >
  1720. like in the back
  1721. of our heads
  1722.  
  1723.  
  1724. >
  1725. like "Am I maybe gorgeous?"
  1726.  
  1727.  
  1728. >
  1729. (laughter)
  1730.  
  1731.  
  1732. >
  1733. "I think I'm gorgeous."
  1734.  
  1735.  
  1736. >
  1737. (cheering)
  1738.  
  1739.  
  1740. >
  1741. Right?
  1742.  
  1743.  
  1744. >
  1745. I'm gorgeous
  1746. but I just haven't stumbled
  1747.  
  1748.  
  1749. >
  1750. on the right hairdo
  1751. you know?
  1752.  
  1753.  
  1754. >
  1755. But one day
  1756. on a whim I'll just like
  1757.  
  1758.  
  1759. >
  1760. cut bangs
  1761. and everybody will be like
  1762.  
  1763.  
  1764. >
  1765. "Damn!"
  1766. And I'll be like
  1767.  
  1768.  
  1769. >
  1770. "Oh my God like treat
  1771. me the same you guys."
  1772.  
  1773.  
  1774. >
  1775. (laughter)
  1776.  
  1777.  
  1778. >
  1779. "I'm the same
  1780. person under here."
  1781.  
  1782.  
  1783. >
  1784. And they're like
  1785. "We can't we're too hard"
  1786.  
  1787.  
  1788. >
  1789. and I'm like "I get it."
  1790.  
  1791.  
  1792. >
  1793. But then...
  1794.  
  1795.  
  1796. >
  1797. But then my stunt double
  1798. was a guy. Um...
  1799.  
  1800.  
  1801. >
  1802. (laughter)
  1803.  
  1804.  
  1805. >
  1806. I I thought I was so cool
  1807. that I had a stunt double.
  1808.  
  1809.  
  1810. >
  1811. I was just like
  1812. I walked into set like
  1813.  
  1814.  
  1815. >
  1816. "Where is she?"
  1817. and they were like
  1818.  
  1819.  
  1820. >
  1821. "That's Troy."
  1822.  
  1823.  
  1824. >
  1825. And he was dipping
  1826. and had a beard.
  1827.  
  1828.  
  1829. >
  1830. (laughter)
  1831.  
  1832.  
  1833. >
  1834. I was like "That's me?"
  1835.  
  1836.  
  1837. >
  1838. They were like
  1839. "That's you!"
  1840.  
  1841.  
  1842. >
  1843. Totally tried
  1844. to have sex with him.
  1845.  
  1846.  
  1847. >
  1848. Um...
  1849.  
  1850.  
  1851. >
  1852. I'll admit that
  1853. to you fine people.
  1854.  
  1855.  
  1856. >
  1857. I learned and I should
  1858. have already known this
  1859.  
  1860.  
  1861. >
  1862. because I've been on the road
  1863. doing stand up for years
  1864.  
  1865.  
  1866. >
  1867. (audience cheers)
  1868. and Thank you.
  1869.  
  1870.  
  1871. >
  1872. Now I get to be here.
  1873.  
  1874.  
  1875. >
  1876. And I This is gonna
  1877. make some of you gasp.
  1878.  
  1879.  
  1880. >
  1881. I have never gotten laid
  1882. after a show okay?
  1883.  
  1884.  
  1885. >
  1886. I know
  1887. but that is the truth.
  1888.  
  1889.  
  1890. >
  1891. Male standups puss as far
  1892. as the eye can see okay?
  1893.  
  1894.  
  1895. >
  1896. And female comics
  1897. it is not that way.
  1898.  
  1899.  
  1900. >
  1901. What I'm saying
  1902. is I'm not in this
  1903. for the dick okay?
  1904.  
  1905.  
  1906. >
  1907. 'Cause it
  1908. I mean I would be
  1909.  
  1910.  
  1911. >
  1912. if it had led to that
  1913. but that's not what happens.
  1914.  
  1915.  
  1916. >
  1917. The stunt guy it's not
  1918. my fault I tried to fuck him.
  1919.  
  1920.  
  1921. >
  1922. He was very hot.
  1923.  
  1924.  
  1925. >
  1926. I'm hot as a guy
  1927. it turns out and...
  1928.  
  1929.  
  1930. >
  1931. (laughter)
  1932.  
  1933.  
  1934. >
  1935. He was from South Africa
  1936. and I'm just like
  1937.  
  1938.  
  1939. >
  1940. such a sucker
  1941. for an accent you know?
  1942.  
  1943.  
  1944. >
  1945. Like an English guy
  1946. or like a deaf guy?
  1947.  
  1948.  
  1949. >
  1950. Mmm.
  1951. (laughter)
  1952.  
  1953.  
  1954. >
  1955. Mmm!
  1956.  
  1957.  
  1958. >
  1959. That was a test to see
  1960. if you were bad people...
  1961.  
  1962.  
  1963. >
  1964. (laughter)
  1965. which you are.
  1966.  
  1967.  
  1968. >
  1969. Um...
  1970.  
  1971.  
  1972. >
  1973. I do feel bad about that.
  1974.  
  1975.  
  1976. >
  1977. My mom's a speech
  1978. and hearing therapist
  1979. for the deaf
  1980.  
  1981.  
  1982. >
  1983. and she's gonna hear that
  1984. but they won't.
  1985.  
  1986.  
  1987. >
  1988. So...
  1989.  
  1990.  
  1991. >
  1992. Cheers you guys
  1993. thanks for coming out.
  1994.  
  1995.  
  1996. >
  1997. (cheering whistling)
  1998.  
  1999.  
  2000. >
  2001. I know that um
  2002.  
  2003.  
  2004. >
  2005. some of you are here
  2006. by accident and I'm sorry.
  2007.  
  2008.  
  2009. >
  2010. Uh...
  2011.  
  2012.  
  2013. >
  2014. The Apollo is a beautiful
  2015. theater with subscribers
  2016.  
  2017.  
  2018. >
  2019. so some of you thought
  2020. you were seeing "Godspell"
  2021. tonight but...
  2022.  
  2023.  
  2024. >
  2025. Like I have no information.
  2026. I have no...
  2027.  
  2028.  
  2029. >
  2030. I don't know what's going on
  2031. in the news ever
  2032. like at all.
  2033.  
  2034.  
  2035. >
  2036. My friends do.
  2037. They're very smart
  2038.  
  2039.  
  2040. >
  2041. and they're up to date
  2042. and like I try to chime in.
  2043.  
  2044.  
  2045. >
  2046. Like they were all
  2047. very upset about Ferguson
  2048.  
  2049.  
  2050. >
  2051. and I was like
  2052. "I know I can't believe
  2053. he left the show.
  2054.  
  2055.  
  2056. >
  2057. "Um... I don't know
  2058. about this new guy.
  2059.  
  2060.  
  2061. >
  2062. What do you guys think?"
  2063. And they were like...
  2064.  
  2065.  
  2066. >
  2067. I kept telling
  2068. people I was gonna do
  2069. an ISIS bucket challenge.
  2070.  
  2071.  
  2072. >
  2073. Like I...
  2074.  
  2075.  
  2076. >
  2077. I'm doing the UTI
  2078. challenge right now.
  2079.  
  2080.  
  2081. >
  2082. Can you...
  2083. (laughter)
  2084.  
  2085.  
  2086. >
  2087. Thank you.
  2088.  
  2089.  
  2090. >
  2091. Thank you.
  2092.  
  2093.  
  2094. >
  2095. (cheers applause)
  2096.  
  2097.  
  2098. >
  2099. A UTI in case
  2100. you don't know
  2101.  
  2102.  
  2103. >
  2104. it is not a college online.
  2105.  
  2106.  
  2107. >
  2108. It is...
  2109. a urinary tract infection
  2110.  
  2111.  
  2112. >
  2113. and um I just got
  2114. my first UTI at .
  2115.  
  2116.  
  2117. >
  2118. Woman What?!
  2119. Yes
  2120. I made it this far.
  2121.  
  2122.  
  2123. >
  2124. I know
  2125. unbelievable right?
  2126.  
  2127.  
  2128. >
  2129. first
  2130. And nobody tells you
  2131.  
  2132.  
  2133. >
  2134. how embarrassing
  2135. it's gonna be
  2136.  
  2137.  
  2138. >
  2139. 'cause no one's like
  2140. "How'd you get it?"
  2141.  
  2142.  
  2143. >
  2144. Like you know how I got it.
  2145.  
  2146.  
  2147. >
  2148. I had sex...
  2149.  
  2150.  
  2151. >
  2152. and then I was too lazy
  2153. to pee right after.
  2154.  
  2155.  
  2156. >
  2157. I chose to lay there
  2158. like a cum dumpster
  2159.  
  2160.  
  2161. >
  2162. just...
  2163. (laughter)
  2164.  
  2165.  
  2166. >
  2167. Just a receptacle.
  2168.  
  2169.  
  2170. >
  2171. Was I savoring the moment?
  2172. What was I doing?
  2173.  
  2174.  
  2175. >
  2176. And I didn't
  2177. want to use condoms
  2178.  
  2179.  
  2180. >
  2181. 'cause I'm like
  2182. "What if I'm allergic?"
  2183.  
  2184.  
  2185. >
  2186. Like I don't want
  2187. to risk you know?
  2188.  
  2189.  
  2190. >
  2191. A UTI
  2192. it's so embarrassing
  2193.  
  2194.  
  2195. >
  2196. and then everyone's like
  2197. "Just drink cranberry juice"
  2198.  
  2199.  
  2200. >
  2201. and that doesn't work at all.
  2202.  
  2203.  
  2204. >
  2205. And if you order it
  2206. everybody knows what's up.
  2207.  
  2208.  
  2209. >
  2210. You're like
  2211. at a steakhouse...
  2212.  
  2213.  
  2214. >
  2215. (laughter)
  2216.  
  2217.  
  2218. >
  2219. "Yeah the fillet and uh...
  2220.  
  2221.  
  2222. >
  2223. Can I have
  2224. a cranberry juice? Um..."
  2225.  
  2226.  
  2227. >
  2228. The waitress is like
  2229. "You want a cranberry juice?"
  2230.  
  2231.  
  2232. >
  2233. You're like "Yep yep."
  2234.  
  2235.  
  2236. >
  2237. She's like "Why?"
  2238.  
  2239.  
  2240. >
  2241. "'Cause I love it."
  2242. "No you're disgusting."
  2243.  
  2244.  
  2245. >
  2246. I got it I was sleeping
  2247. with a guy who's my friend.
  2248.  
  2249.  
  2250. >
  2251. Having
  2252. Like friends having sex
  2253.  
  2254.  
  2255. >
  2256. there's a real
  2257. sadness to that.
  2258.  
  2259.  
  2260. >
  2261. Like I don't know
  2262. if you've experienced it
  2263.  
  2264.  
  2265. >
  2266. when like
  2267. two friends are like
  2268.  
  2269.  
  2270. >
  2271. "We could stomach
  2272. fucking each other.
  2273.  
  2274.  
  2275. >
  2276. We should try that."
  2277.  
  2278.  
  2279. >
  2280. Just like hurl your bodies
  2281. at each other and...
  2282.  
  2283.  
  2284. >
  2285. and you're just like
  2286. thinking about it
  2287. the whole time like
  2288.  
  2289.  
  2290. >
  2291. "Ugh I can't believe
  2292. Luke's eating my pussy
  2293. right now like..."
  2294.  
  2295.  
  2296. >
  2297. (laughter)
  2298. "That's fucking"
  2299.  
  2300.  
  2301. >
  2302. And Luke's thinking
  2303. "I'm eating Schumer's
  2304. pussy right now?"
  2305.  
  2306.  
  2307. >
  2308. Like it's bad.
  2309. It's all bad.
  2310.  
  2311.  
  2312. >
  2313. It's really sad.
  2314. And then...
  2315.  
  2316.  
  2317. >
  2318. And then you know
  2319. and he was like
  2320.  
  2321.  
  2322. >
  2323. really worried about
  2324. getting me pregnant.
  2325.  
  2326.  
  2327. >
  2328. And I'm like "I was born
  2329. wearing the NuvaRing
  2330.  
  2331.  
  2332. >
  2333. like I came out ringed up."
  2334.  
  2335.  
  2336. >
  2337. And uh...
  2338.  
  2339.  
  2340. >
  2341. And also I'm like
  2342. "Guess what Luke?
  2343.  
  2344.  
  2345. >
  2346. "If I got pregnant
  2347. with your baby
  2348.  
  2349.  
  2350. >
  2351. I would ignore all red lights
  2352.  
  2353.  
  2354. >
  2355. on the way
  2356. to Planned Parenthood."
  2357.  
  2358.  
  2359. >
  2360. Just... (imitates car horn)
  2361.  
  2362.  
  2363. >
  2364. (laughter applause)
  2365.  
  2366.  
  2367. >
  2368. It would look like
  2369. "Snowpiercer"
  2370. out my window just...
  2371.  
  2372.  
  2373. >
  2374. (imitates wind)
  2375.  
  2376.  
  2377. >
  2378. It's always the guys you would
  2379. never have a kid with
  2380. that's like (grunts).
  2381.  
  2382.  
  2383. >
  2384. Like "I'm not trying
  2385. to get your seed thank you.
  2386.  
  2387.  
  2388. >
  2389. Thank you though."
  2390.  
  2391.  
  2392. >
  2393. Yeah I have no idea
  2394. what's going on in the news.
  2395.  
  2396.  
  2397. >
  2398. I read about the um
  2399. when the celebrities'
  2400. photos got hacked.
  2401.  
  2402.  
  2403. >
  2404. I read that.
  2405.  
  2406.  
  2407. >
  2408. Did you guys look
  2409. at their beautiful
  2410. little pussies?
  2411.  
  2412.  
  2413. >
  2414. I'm the only one really?
  2415.  
  2416.  
  2417. >
  2418. I looked at every little
  2419. pussy I could find.
  2420.  
  2421.  
  2422. >
  2423. (laughter)
  2424.  
  2425.  
  2426. >
  2427. I wanted to see if they were
  2428. like magical and like
  2429. almondsized.
  2430.  
  2431.  
  2432. >
  2433. Not that mine isn't.
  2434.  
  2435.  
  2436. >
  2437. I mean you guys
  2438. I didn't know
  2439. you'd be sitting this close.
  2440.  
  2441.  
  2442. >
  2443. Like it's very small right?
  2444.  
  2445.  
  2446. >
  2447. It's a I have a tiny
  2448.  
  2449.  
  2450. >
  2451. It's like a Barbie.
  2452. You can't even find the hole.
  2453.  
  2454.  
  2455. >
  2456. You're like
  2457. "Is there a hole?"
  2458.  
  2459.  
  2460. >
  2461. Tiny. Even in
  2462. a light days tampon
  2463.  
  2464.  
  2465. >
  2466. I walk around like
  2467. "Ow ow ow ow
  2468.  
  2469.  
  2470. >
  2471. ow ow...
  2472. Ooh! Mmm!"
  2473.  
  2474.  
  2475. >
  2476. No if I like sneeze
  2477. that would fall out of me.
  2478.  
  2479.  
  2480. >
  2481. I um...
  2482.  
  2483.  
  2484. >
  2485. At the drugstore
  2486. I'm like "Do you guys
  2487.  
  2488.  
  2489. >
  2490. have any futons
  2491. I could maybe borrow?"
  2492.  
  2493.  
  2494. >
  2495. No. It's normal.
  2496. I think my pussy's good.
  2497.  
  2498.  
  2499. >
  2500. Like people always
  2501. come back you know?
  2502.  
  2503.  
  2504. >
  2505. I've got a good...
  2506. good return rate.
  2507.  
  2508.  
  2509. >
  2510. Like I'd know by now
  2511. if it was like jacked up.
  2512.  
  2513.  
  2514. >
  2515. I uh... I don't know though.
  2516.  
  2517.  
  2518. >
  2519. I've never really looked
  2520. at my pussy like...
  2521.  
  2522.  
  2523. >
  2524. but it got into my head.
  2525.  
  2526.  
  2527. >
  2528. "Amy what does
  2529. your pussy look like?"
  2530.  
  2531.  
  2532. >
  2533. Um probably like
  2534. the mouth of like
  2535.  
  2536.  
  2537. >
  2538. an old lounge singer
  2539. there's like
  2540.  
  2541.  
  2542. >
  2543. a cigarette hanging
  2544. out of it just...
  2545.  
  2546.  
  2547. >
  2548. (laughter)
  2549.  
  2550.  
  2551. >
  2552. She's like doing
  2553. the Charleston and scatting.
  2554.  
  2555.  
  2556. >
  2557. She's like... (scatting)
  2558.  
  2559.  
  2560. >
  2561. She calls everybody honey.
  2562.  
  2563.  
  2564. >
  2565. Just I'm guessing.
  2566. I don't know.
  2567.  
  2568.  
  2569. >
  2570. It's a guess.
  2571.  
  2572.  
  2573. >
  2574. They're all beautiful
  2575. they're all equally beautiful
  2576.  
  2577.  
  2578. >
  2579. I believe but...
  2580.  
  2581.  
  2582. >
  2583. The reason I don't know
  2584. what my pussy looks like
  2585.  
  2586.  
  2587. >
  2588. is because women never
  2589. look at their vaginas.
  2590.  
  2591.  
  2592. >
  2593. Like men
  2594. you look down
  2595.  
  2596.  
  2597. >
  2598. you're like
  2599. "Oh there's my dick."
  2600.  
  2601.  
  2602. >
  2603. Well like hopefully.
  2604.  
  2605.  
  2606. >
  2607. Um...
  2608.  
  2609.  
  2610. >
  2611. (laughter)
  2612.  
  2613.  
  2614. >
  2615. But girls you would need
  2616. like a hand mirror
  2617.  
  2618.  
  2619. >
  2620. and to do some like
  2621. "Cirque du Soleil" type...
  2622.  
  2623.  
  2624. >
  2625. Like it's hard to find.
  2626.  
  2627.  
  2628. >
  2629. And then the only time you see
  2630. it is if you get a bikini wax.
  2631.  
  2632.  
  2633. >
  2634. And they wax you
  2635. and then they show it to you
  2636.  
  2637.  
  2638. >
  2639. and there is no faster
  2640. response time in the world.
  2641.  
  2642.  
  2643. >
  2644. You're just like
  2645. "Yep that looks great!"
  2646.  
  2647.  
  2648. >
  2649. (laughter applause)
  2650.  
  2651.  
  2652. >
  2653. "I see it.
  2654. Yeah that's great."
  2655.  
  2656.  
  2657. >
  2658. It's like identifying a body.
  2659.  
  2660.  
  2661. >
  2662. You're like "That's her!
  2663.  
  2664.  
  2665. >
  2666. Yeah definitely her.
  2667. Thank you."
  2668.  
  2669.  
  2670. >
  2671. Right? I don't know
  2672. any girl that's like...
  2673.  
  2674.  
  2675. >
  2676. "Hmm... Maybe
  2677. a little more off the top."
  2678.  
  2679.  
  2680. >
  2681. No one...
  2682. No one does that.
  2683.  
  2684.  
  2685. >
  2686. I got a massage recently.
  2687.  
  2688.  
  2689. >
  2690. I hurt my neck doing something
  2691. that's my business and um...
  2692.  
  2693.  
  2694. >
  2695. I know that's supposed
  2696. to sound like I was
  2697.  
  2698.  
  2699. >
  2700. like giving a blowjob
  2701. but I was honestly opening
  2702. a jar of salsa con queso.
  2703.  
  2704.  
  2705. >
  2706. I was like... (grunts)
  2707.  
  2708.  
  2709. >
  2710. And um...
  2711.  
  2712.  
  2713. >
  2714. So that I could suck it
  2715. off of a cab driver's dick
  2716. and uh...
  2717.  
  2718.  
  2719. >
  2720. (laughter applause)
  2721.  
  2722.  
  2723. >
  2724. Never.
  2725.  
  2726.  
  2727. >
  2728. Uber yes.
  2729. Uber... (gags)
  2730.  
  2731.  
  2732. >
  2733. But um...
  2734.  
  2735.  
  2736. >
  2737. (laughter)
  2738.  
  2739.  
  2740. >
  2741. That's me in an Uber.
  2742.  
  2743.  
  2744. >
  2745. Mmm... mmm.
  2746. (giggles)
  2747.  
  2748.  
  2749. >
  2750. So my neck hurt
  2751.  
  2752.  
  2753. >
  2754. and I looked at this website
  2755.  
  2756.  
  2757. >
  2758. and it had music
  2759. and it looked like a nice spa
  2760.  
  2761.  
  2762. >
  2763. and I realized
  2764. realized a little late
  2765.  
  2766.  
  2767. >
  2768. in the game that
  2769. it was a rub and tug.
  2770.  
  2771.  
  2772. >
  2773. Now it is fully my fault.
  2774.  
  2775.  
  2776. >
  2777. Like all the signs
  2778. were there.
  2779.  
  2780.  
  2781. >
  2782. This is It's on me.
  2783. I'm taking responsibility.
  2784.  
  2785.  
  2786. >
  2787. Like I had to be buzzed in.
  2788.  
  2789.  
  2790. >
  2791. Um... I don't know a spa
  2792. that's like "Who's there?"
  2793.  
  2794.  
  2795. >
  2796. Like they usually
  2797. let you come
  2798.  
  2799.  
  2800. >
  2801. and go at your "leis"
  2802. and uh...
  2803.  
  2804.  
  2805. >
  2806. There were gold bars
  2807. on the windows.
  2808.  
  2809.  
  2810. >
  2811. I was like
  2812. "Ooh exclusive."
  2813.  
  2814.  
  2815. >
  2816. And uh...
  2817. (laughter)
  2818.  
  2819.  
  2820. >
  2821. I swear I got in there
  2822. and they were like
  2823. "Are you law enforcement?"
  2824.  
  2825.  
  2826. >
  2827. And I was like
  2828. "No but I have been
  2829. working out more thank you."
  2830.  
  2831.  
  2832. >
  2833. Uh... And then the girl
  2834. who came to get me
  2835.  
  2836.  
  2837. >
  2838. she was leading
  2839. the guy before me out
  2840.  
  2841.  
  2842. >
  2843. by the small of his back
  2844. which is body language for
  2845.  
  2846.  
  2847. >
  2848. "That's okay you came
  2849. on my foot. That's okay."
  2850.  
  2851.  
  2852. >
  2853. And uh...
  2854.  
  2855.  
  2856. >
  2857. And then she walked
  2858. me back to the room
  2859.  
  2860.  
  2861. >
  2862. like she was walking
  2863. me through like
  2864. a fun frat party.
  2865.  
  2866.  
  2867. >
  2868. She like
  2869. she's like "Come on!"
  2870.  
  2871.  
  2872. >
  2873. She's like "Woo!"
  2874.  
  2875.  
  2876. >
  2877. And I'm like "Okay."
  2878.  
  2879.  
  2880. >
  2881. And then we get in there
  2882. and that's when I knew
  2883.  
  2884.  
  2885. >
  2886. because it was just two
  2887. It was just a steel table
  2888.  
  2889.  
  2890. >
  2891. like like you'd examine
  2892. people on in "Lost..."
  2893.  
  2894.  
  2895. >
  2896. and towels
  2897. like hardened towels.
  2898.  
  2899.  
  2900. >
  2901. You know the color.
  2902.  
  2903.  
  2904. >
  2905. And... and there
  2906. was no face cradle
  2907.  
  2908.  
  2909. >
  2910. 'cause no one had ever
  2911. laid facedown before.
  2912.  
  2913.  
  2914. >
  2915. So uh I still
  2916. laid facedown.
  2917.  
  2918.  
  2919. >
  2920. I was like "Fuck this
  2921. I am not finding out what
  2922. they do to girls here."
  2923.  
  2924.  
  2925. >
  2926. So I just put
  2927. my head over the edge.
  2928.  
  2929.  
  2930. >
  2931. And I was really
  2932. trying to keep things
  2933. on the upandup.
  2934.  
  2935.  
  2936. >
  2937. I'm like
  2938. "It's just my neck girl
  2939.  
  2940.  
  2941. >
  2942. like just my neck."
  2943.  
  2944.  
  2945. >
  2946. And she's all upper thigh.
  2947. She's like
  2948.  
  2949.  
  2950. >
  2951. "Is this your neck?"
  2952.  
  2953.  
  2954. >
  2955. (laughter)
  2956.  
  2957.  
  2958. >
  2959. I'm like "You know
  2960. that's not my neck."
  2961.  
  2962.  
  2963. >
  2964. And then I just kind of
  2965. accept it into my heart.
  2966.  
  2967.  
  2968. >
  2969. I was like
  2970.  
  2971.  
  2972. >
  2973. "Amy you know you're getting
  2974. a thumb right in the butthole.
  2975.  
  2976.  
  2977. >
  2978. "Just accept it. Embrace it.
  2979.  
  2980.  
  2981. >
  2982. "This is God's plan
  2983. for you Amy.
  2984.  
  2985.  
  2986. >
  2987. "¶ Let it go ¶
  2988.  
  2989.  
  2990. >
  2991. ¶ Let it go ¶"
  2992.  
  2993.  
  2994. >
  2995. And then she didn't do it
  2996. and I was fucking furious.
  2997.  
  2998.  
  2999. >
  3000. Just...
  3001. What about my butthole?
  3002.  
  3003.  
  3004. >
  3005. I uh...
  3006.  
  3007.  
  3008. >
  3009. I I would have let her
  3010. go down on me I bet.
  3011.  
  3012.  
  3013. >
  3014. Like... I would let anyone
  3015. go down on me actually.
  3016.  
  3017.  
  3018. >
  3019. Um... you ever
  3020. think about that?
  3021.  
  3022.  
  3023. >
  3024. Like sometimes I'll see
  3025. people on the street
  3026.  
  3027.  
  3028. >
  3029. I'm like "How bad would
  3030. it get before I said no?"
  3031.  
  3032.  
  3033. >
  3034. Like when would I...
  3035.  
  3036.  
  3037. >
  3038. I see kinda like a hot
  3039. like newly homeless dude.
  3040.  
  3041.  
  3042. >
  3043. Like I mean week one
  3044. doesn't even have a sign
  3045.  
  3046.  
  3047. >
  3048. or a dog yet you know
  3049. just like...
  3050.  
  3051.  
  3052. >
  3053. just got out there.
  3054.  
  3055.  
  3056. >
  3057. "Yes" I thought.
  3058. "Yes that's fine."
  3059.  
  3060.  
  3061. >
  3062. Some family members...
  3063. like a cousin. Like...
  3064.  
  3065.  
  3066. >
  3067. Not like a cousin
  3068. you grew up playing with
  3069.  
  3070.  
  3071. >
  3072. like just one that
  3073. you see at funerals
  3074.  
  3075.  
  3076. >
  3077. like that kind of a distance.
  3078.  
  3079.  
  3080. >
  3081. He could go down on me.
  3082.  
  3083.  
  3084. >
  3085. Any girl any girl.
  3086.  
  3087.  
  3088. >
  3089. I mean I could never
  3090. go down on a girl though.
  3091.  
  3092.  
  3093. >
  3094. I couldn't do it.
  3095.  
  3096.  
  3097. >
  3098. If a pussy were ever
  3099. in front of me
  3100.  
  3101.  
  3102. >
  3103. and it was like go time
  3104. it would be like
  3105.  
  3106.  
  3107. >
  3108. I was like trying to jump
  3109. into Double Dutch.
  3110.  
  3111.  
  3112. >
  3113. I would be like...
  3114.  
  3115.  
  3116. >
  3117. (laughter applause)
  3118.  
  3119.  
  3120. >
  3121. "I can't.
  3122. You're a beautiful girl.
  3123.  
  3124.  
  3125. >
  3126. "I'm so sorry I can't.
  3127.  
  3128.  
  3129. >
  3130. Thank you
  3131. for braiding my hair."
  3132.  
  3133.  
  3134. >
  3135. Um...
  3136. (laughter)
  3137.  
  3138.  
  3139. >
  3140. I'm like seriously
  3141. winded from just
  3142.  
  3143.  
  3144. >
  3145. like moving my body
  3146. for two seconds.
  3147.  
  3148.  
  3149. >
  3150. They're like
  3151. "Oh she's gonna sweat again."
  3152.  
  3153.  
  3154. >
  3155. I uh before I left LA
  3156.  
  3157.  
  3158. >
  3159. I my agent got me
  3160. courtside seats
  3161. to a Laker game.
  3162.  
  3163.  
  3164. >
  3165. And I don't care
  3166. about basketball
  3167.  
  3168.  
  3169. >
  3170. or any sport at all.
  3171.  
  3172.  
  3173. >
  3174. But courtside I thought
  3175. it would be free booze
  3176.  
  3177.  
  3178. >
  3179. and it's not it turns out.
  3180.  
  3181.  
  3182. >
  3183. I'm like "Do you have to be
  3184. like the point guard
  3185.  
  3186.  
  3187. >
  3188. to get a merlot?
  3189. This is horrible."
  3190.  
  3191.  
  3192. >
  3193. But I go to the game
  3194. and I was like
  3195. "This is a fancy event.
  3196.  
  3197.  
  3198. >
  3199. Like I want to
  3200. bring it I want to
  3201. look great" you know?
  3202.  
  3203.  
  3204. >
  3205. And I did.
  3206. I put on like blush
  3207.  
  3208.  
  3209. >
  3210. and like...
  3211. that's it but like...
  3212.  
  3213.  
  3214. >
  3215. (laughter)
  3216.  
  3217.  
  3218. >
  3219. Like so much blush
  3220. you know?
  3221.  
  3222.  
  3223. >
  3224. Like a lot of blush and...
  3225.  
  3226.  
  3227. >
  3228. I was really kind of
  3229. feeling myself you know?
  3230.  
  3231.  
  3232. >
  3233. I just walk in
  3234. and I'm like
  3235.  
  3236.  
  3237. >
  3238. "Here I am.
  3239. Like feast your eyes"
  3240.  
  3241.  
  3242. >
  3243. and then the first
  3244. person I saw was
  3245. literally Kate Upton.
  3246.  
  3247.  
  3248. >
  3249. And I was like
  3250. "Oh I get it.
  3251.  
  3252.  
  3253. >
  3254. "I'm not a real woman
  3255.  
  3256.  
  3257. >
  3258. I'm just harvesting
  3259. organs for one."
  3260.  
  3261.  
  3262. >
  3263. So if Kate was ever like
  3264. "My liver feels weird"
  3265.  
  3266.  
  3267. >
  3268. I'd be like "Well here"
  3269. and then like bleed out.
  3270.  
  3271.  
  3272. >
  3273. And she'd be like
  3274. "Do you have
  3275. anything smaller?"
  3276.  
  3277.  
  3278. >
  3279. And uh...
  3280.  
  3281.  
  3282. >
  3283. I don't know why my
  3284. like liver's flopping
  3285. around her hand.
  3286.  
  3287.  
  3288. >
  3289. So I see Kate Upton
  3290. and I knew
  3291.  
  3292.  
  3293. >
  3294. I knew she wanted
  3295. to talk to me
  3296.  
  3297.  
  3298. >
  3299. because beautiful girls
  3300. love funny girls.
  3301.  
  3302.  
  3303. >
  3304. They think we're
  3305. like clowns you know?
  3306.  
  3307.  
  3308. >
  3309. Like I just knew.
  3310.  
  3311.  
  3312. >
  3313. She's gonna like poke me.
  3314. Like "Do your clown thing."
  3315.  
  3316.  
  3317. >
  3318. And I'm like
  3319. "I don't want to."
  3320.  
  3321.  
  3322. >
  3323. But...
  3324.  
  3325.  
  3326. >
  3327. And funny girls do not
  3328. want anything to do
  3329.  
  3330.  
  3331. >
  3332. with beautiful girls.
  3333. And you guys are like
  3334.  
  3335.  
  3336. >
  3337. "Amy but you're both."
  3338. Oh my God
  3339.  
  3340.  
  3341. >
  3342. thank you guys
  3343. for all thinking that.
  3344.  
  3345.  
  3346. >
  3347. All of you every one of you
  3348. every single one of you
  3349.  
  3350.  
  3351. >
  3352. and all my exboyfriends.
  3353.  
  3354.  
  3355. >
  3356. (cheers whistles)
  3357. Oh my God.
  3358.  
  3359.  
  3360. >
  3361. Like you can have it all.
  3362.  
  3363.  
  3364. >
  3365. Um...
  3366.  
  3367.  
  3368. >
  3369. I don't like talking
  3370. to really hot people.
  3371.  
  3372.  
  3373. >
  3374. I'm very grossed out
  3375. being around someone gorgeous.
  3376.  
  3377.  
  3378. >
  3379. But my friend talked to her
  3380. and he was like
  3381.  
  3382.  
  3383. >
  3384. "She was actually
  3385. really funny"
  3386.  
  3387.  
  3388. >
  3389. and I was like "Fuck you."
  3390.  
  3391.  
  3392. >
  3393. (laughter cheers)
  3394.  
  3395.  
  3396. >
  3397. No way.
  3398.  
  3399.  
  3400. >
  3401. There's no way.
  3402.  
  3403.  
  3404. >
  3405. We just have
  3406. such low expectations
  3407.  
  3408.  
  3409. >
  3410. for hot for hot people
  3411. to be anything.
  3412.  
  3413.  
  3414. >
  3415. I'm like "You were
  3416. probably blown away
  3417.  
  3418.  
  3419. >
  3420. she wasn't just
  3421. sitting there playing
  3422. with her tits and drooling
  3423.  
  3424.  
  3425. >
  3426. Like... (giggling)
  3427.  
  3428.  
  3429. >
  3430. I'm like "What did she say
  3431. that was so funny?"
  3432.  
  3433.  
  3434. >
  3435. And he was like
  3436. "Well we were talking
  3437.  
  3438.  
  3439. >
  3440. "about playing pool later
  3441. and she was like
  3442.  
  3443.  
  3444. >
  3445. 'Get ready to lose.'"
  3446.  
  3447.  
  3448. >
  3449. I was like "Oh when's
  3450. her hour special coming
  3451. out on HBO?
  3452.  
  3453.  
  3454. >
  3455. What a great..."
  3456.  
  3457.  
  3458. >
  3459. (cheering whistling)
  3460.  
  3461.  
  3462. >
  3463. Fuck you.
  3464.  
  3465.  
  3466. >
  3467. Wouldn't that have gone
  3468. so different if it were
  3469.  
  3470.  
  3471. >
  3472. like just
  3473. a normallooking girl?
  3474.  
  3475.  
  3476. >
  3477. She's like
  3478. "Get ready to lose."
  3479.  
  3480.  
  3481. >
  3482. They would have been like
  3483. "Did you hear that cunt?
  3484.  
  3485.  
  3486. >
  3487. Like what a fucking..."
  3488.  
  3489.  
  3490. >
  3491. But instead they were like
  3492.  
  3493.  
  3494. >
  3495. "Oh my God
  3496. you should be Seinfeld."
  3497.  
  3498.  
  3499. >
  3500. Um...
  3501.  
  3502.  
  3503. >
  3504. The whole reason I got
  3505. tickets to the game um
  3506.  
  3507.  
  3508. >
  3509. he gave me these seats
  3510. because he thought
  3511.  
  3512.  
  3513. >
  3514. I was mad at him
  3515. for sexually harassing me...
  3516.  
  3517.  
  3518. >
  3519. which I wasn't.
  3520.  
  3521.  
  3522. >
  3523. Like I'm .
  3524.  
  3525.  
  3526. >
  3527. I really appreciate
  3528. that shit right now.
  3529.  
  3530.  
  3531. >
  3532. I just...
  3533.  
  3534.  
  3535. >
  3536. You know when
  3537. you're in your s
  3538.  
  3539.  
  3540. >
  3541. if you walk
  3542. past a construction site
  3543.  
  3544.  
  3545. >
  3546. and they're like "Yeah"
  3547. you're like
  3548.  
  3549.  
  3550. >
  3551. "How dare you!
  3552. My secret bits!"
  3553.  
  3554.  
  3555. >
  3556. But...
  3557. (laughter)
  3558.  
  3559.  
  3560. >
  3561. In your s you walk past
  3562. and you're like
  3563.  
  3564.  
  3565. >
  3566. "What about this huh?"
  3567.  
  3568.  
  3569. >
  3570. My skirt's like
  3571. over my head.
  3572.  
  3573.  
  3574. >
  3575. I'm like... "Aah!"
  3576.  
  3577.  
  3578. >
  3579. They're like
  3580. "We're eating."
  3581.  
  3582.  
  3583. >
  3584. I'm like... "Aah!"
  3585.  
  3586.  
  3587. >
  3588. That shit changes.
  3589. It does.
  3590.  
  3591.  
  3592. >
  3593. Who here is in their s?
  3594.  
  3595.  
  3596. >
  3597. (cheering)
  3598.  
  3599.  
  3600. >
  3601. What about s?
  3602.  
  3603.  
  3604. >
  3605. (loud cheering)
  3606.  
  3607.  
  3608. >
  3609. s?
  3610.  
  3611.  
  3612. >
  3613. (louder cheering)
  3614.  
  3615.  
  3616. >
  3617. Do you hear that hope?
  3618. Remember?
  3619.  
  3620.  
  3621. >
  3622. Do you remember s hope?
  3623.  
  3624.  
  3625. >
  3626. Do you? I kinda do.
  3627.  
  3628.  
  3629. >
  3630. You know
  3631. you just walk around
  3632.  
  3633.  
  3634. >
  3635. like "Everything's gonna
  3636. work out.
  3637.  
  3638.  
  3639. >
  3640. Everybody's always gonna
  3641. want to fuck me!"
  3642.  
  3643.  
  3644. >
  3645. And then you're like
  3646. "Oh cool.
  3647.  
  3648.  
  3649. >
  3650. Cellulite on my
  3651. hands and feet."
  3652.  
  3653.  
  3654. >
  3655. Um...
  3656.  
  3657.  
  3658. >
  3659. In your s you're
  3660. so corrupt with power
  3661.  
  3662.  
  3663. >
  3664. especially if you're
  3665. in love in your s.
  3666.  
  3667.  
  3668. >
  3669. Remember s love?
  3670. You're just so arrogant.
  3671.  
  3672.  
  3673. >
  3674. You're like
  3675. "We're so lucky
  3676. we found each other.
  3677.  
  3678.  
  3679. >
  3680. What are all
  3681. these sad songs about?"
  3682.  
  3683.  
  3684. >
  3685. (scoffing)
  3686.  
  3687.  
  3688. >
  3689. I think of s love
  3690. the same as the tsunami
  3691.  
  3692.  
  3693. >
  3694. because I read that
  3695. in the tsunami
  3696. the tide was way in
  3697.  
  3698.  
  3699. >
  3700. so fish were flopping
  3701. around the shore
  3702.  
  3703.  
  3704. >
  3705. and people were
  3706. like psyched.
  3707.  
  3708.  
  3709. >
  3710. They were gathering
  3711. them with baskets.
  3712.  
  3713.  
  3714. >
  3715. Like
  3716. "I can't believe my luck.
  3717. Look at all these fish!"
  3718.  
  3719.  
  3720. >
  3721. That's like s love.
  3722.  
  3723.  
  3724. >
  3725. You're like
  3726. "For me and me!"
  3727.  
  3728.  
  3729. >
  3730. And then you're like
  3731. "Oh fuck!"
  3732.  
  3733.  
  3734. >
  3735. And it murders you.
  3736.  
  3737.  
  3738. >
  3739. But yeah.
  3740.  
  3741.  
  3742. >
  3743. But enjoy it.
  3744.  
  3745.  
  3746. >
  3747. Um...
  3748.  
  3749.  
  3750. >
  3751. (laughter cheers)
  3752.  
  3753.  
  3754. >
  3755. Enjoy it.
  3756.  
  3757.  
  3758. >
  3759. (humming nonchalantly)
  3760.  
  3761.  
  3762. >
  3763. That's why I'm so annoyed
  3764. I'm single again.
  3765.  
  3766.  
  3767. >
  3768. That means I'm gonna have
  3769. to go out with a new dude
  3770. and he'll
  3771.  
  3772.  
  3773. >
  3774. We'll go to the movies
  3775. and he'll be like
  3776.  
  3777.  
  3778. >
  3779. "Do you want
  3780. to get a popcorn?"
  3781.  
  3782.  
  3783. >
  3784. and I'll be
  3785. like "Oh my God
  3786.  
  3787.  
  3788. >
  3789. "I hadn't even
  3790. thought about it.
  3791.  
  3792.  
  3793. >
  3794. "Um... that's not
  3795. the whole reason
  3796.  
  3797.  
  3798. >
  3799. I wanted to come see
  3800. this piece of shit movie."
  3801.  
  3802.  
  3803. >
  3804. I've left so many movies
  3805. right after the previews
  3806.  
  3807.  
  3808. >
  3809. 'cause I finished my popcorn.
  3810.  
  3811.  
  3812. >
  3813. And then he's like
  3814. "What size do you want?"
  3815.  
  3816.  
  3817. >
  3818. and I'm like... (giggles)
  3819. "Small look at me."
  3820.  
  3821.  
  3822. >
  3823. Meanwhile
  3824. a small popcorn like
  3825.  
  3826.  
  3827. >
  3828. that's like
  3829. taking one Advil.
  3830.  
  3831.  
  3832. >
  3833. Like get the fuck
  3834. out of here.
  3835.  
  3836.  
  3837. >
  3838. It's like taking six Xanax.
  3839.  
  3840.  
  3841. >
  3842. Like why are
  3843. you wasting my time?
  3844.  
  3845.  
  3846. >
  3847. Small popcorn.
  3848.  
  3849.  
  3850. >
  3851. And then
  3852. the cashier is like
  3853.  
  3854.  
  3855. >
  3856. "For $ you can
  3857. get one more handful"
  3858.  
  3859.  
  3860. >
  3861. and I'm like
  3862. "That sounds like
  3863. a great deal. We'll take it."
  3864.  
  3865.  
  3866. >
  3867. You sit in there
  3868. and you're supposed to act
  3869.  
  3870.  
  3871. >
  3872. like you're not thinking
  3873. about the popcorn
  3874.  
  3875.  
  3876. >
  3877. and you're just
  3878. watching the movie like
  3879.  
  3880.  
  3881. >
  3882. "Oh I forgot that
  3883. we even had popcorn."
  3884.  
  3885.  
  3886. >
  3887. But really
  3888. I just want to like
  3889.  
  3890.  
  3891. >
  3892. push his eyes
  3893. in with my thumbs...
  3894.  
  3895.  
  3896. >
  3897. and just dump
  3898. the popcorn all over my face
  3899.  
  3900.  
  3901. >
  3902. and head and just
  3903. run out screaming
  3904.  
  3905.  
  3906. >
  3907. "You would have found out
  3908. anyway motherfucker!"
  3909.  
  3910.  
  3911. >
  3912. (applause cheers)
  3913.  
  3914.  
  3915. >
  3916. So I'm single.
  3917.  
  3918.  
  3919. >
  3920. Um...
  3921. (laughter)
  3922.  
  3923.  
  3924. >
  3925. I know you guys
  3926. are all thinking
  3927.  
  3928.  
  3929. >
  3930. like "Amy this is all great
  3931. but how do we date you?"
  3932.  
  3933.  
  3934. >
  3935. Um you can't.
  3936.  
  3937.  
  3938. >
  3939. And not just
  3940. 'cause I'm not totally
  3941.  
  3942.  
  3943. >
  3944. out of the woods
  3945. with this UTI
  3946.  
  3947.  
  3948. >
  3949. but also...
  3950. (laughter)
  3951.  
  3952.  
  3953. >
  3954. I am not on any dating sites.
  3955.  
  3956.  
  3957. >
  3958. Like the only app
  3959. I have on my phone
  3960.  
  3961.  
  3962. >
  3963. like that is Foodspotting
  3964.  
  3965.  
  3966. >
  3967. which is like Tinder
  3968. but for food.
  3969.  
  3970.  
  3971. >
  3972. So it lets you know
  3973. about foods in your area.
  3974.  
  3975.  
  3976. >
  3977. Uh...
  3978.  
  3979.  
  3980. >
  3981. Like the other day
  3982. I was like eyeing up
  3983.  
  3984.  
  3985. >
  3986. like this one scone
  3987. and it was under a mile away
  3988.  
  3989.  
  3990. >
  3991. I was like
  3992. "Is this a coincidence?
  3993. Like I don't"
  3994.  
  3995.  
  3996. >
  3997. It's like "Yes."
  3998.  
  3999.  
  4000. >
  4001. And then uh...
  4002. I'm like "Should I go?"
  4003.  
  4004.  
  4005. >
  4006. and my friends are like
  4007. "Go! Like go! See!"
  4008.  
  4009.  
  4010. >
  4011. and I'm like "Okay."
  4012.  
  4013.  
  4014. >
  4015. So I went
  4016. and I kind of like
  4017.  
  4018.  
  4019. >
  4020. sidled up to the scone
  4021. and it's like
  4022.  
  4023.  
  4024. >
  4025. "Oh my God you look
  4026. just like your picture.
  4027.  
  4028.  
  4029. >
  4030. Do you want to come
  4031. home with me?"
  4032.  
  4033.  
  4034. >
  4035. (chews loudly)
  4036.  
  4037.  
  4038. >
  4039. Um...
  4040.  
  4041.  
  4042. >
  4043. (giggles)
  4044.  
  4045.  
  4046. >
  4047. And I was like
  4048. I was hungry
  4049.  
  4050.  
  4051. >
  4052. so I was putting
  4053. a little butter on saltines...
  4054.  
  4055.  
  4056. >
  4057. but then I kinda took
  4058. a look at myself.
  4059.  
  4060.  
  4061. >
  4062. I'm like
  4063. "Hold on Amy.
  4064.  
  4065.  
  4066. >
  4067. "Like you're not
  4068. Martha Stewart
  4069.  
  4070.  
  4071. >
  4072. "just put the butter
  4073. and the cracker
  4074.  
  4075.  
  4076. >
  4077. in your mouth and they'll
  4078. find each other in there."
  4079.  
  4080.  
  4081. >
  4082. Who am I? I'm like
  4083. the "Barefoot Contestant'
  4084. or whatever.
  4085.  
  4086.  
  4087. >
  4088. I'm like "Uh!"
  4089.  
  4090.  
  4091. >
  4092. Dirtying a knife.
  4093.  
  4094.  
  4095. >
  4096. So I was dating someone
  4097. for a little bit this year.
  4098.  
  4099.  
  4100. >
  4101. I was dating
  4102. an infectious disease doctor
  4103.  
  4104.  
  4105. >
  4106. 'cause two birds.
  4107.  
  4108.  
  4109. >
  4110. And...
  4111. (laughter)
  4112.  
  4113.  
  4114. >
  4115. What do you want?
  4116.  
  4117.  
  4118. >
  4119. And he wound up being a
  4120. like an insane alcoholic
  4121.  
  4122.  
  4123. >
  4124. and that's my thing.
  4125.  
  4126.  
  4127. >
  4128. Uh...
  4129.  
  4130.  
  4131. >
  4132. I feel like in most
  4133. relationships there's like
  4134.  
  4135.  
  4136. >
  4137. one alcoholic
  4138. and then like one person
  4139.  
  4140.  
  4141. >
  4142. who's sad about it
  4143. and I wanted to be
  4144. like the fun one.
  4145.  
  4146.  
  4147. >
  4148. So I called my mom um
  4149.  
  4150.  
  4151. >
  4152. because nothing
  4153. makes her happier
  4154.  
  4155.  
  4156. >
  4157. than me being alone
  4158.  
  4159.  
  4160. >
  4161. and she's like
  4162. "Oh my God will I be
  4163. seeing you more?"
  4164.  
  4165.  
  4166. >
  4167. Um...
  4168. and I'm like "Yes Mom"
  4169.  
  4170.  
  4171. >
  4172. and she starts
  4173. giving me advice.
  4174.  
  4175.  
  4176. >
  4177. She's like
  4178. "Am you need to love
  4179. like you've never been hurt"
  4180.  
  4181.  
  4182. >
  4183. and I'm like
  4184. "Are you reading off of
  4185. a bumper sticker right now?"
  4186.  
  4187.  
  4188. >
  4189. Like... she's like "Dance
  4190. like no one's watching."
  4191.  
  4192.  
  4193. >
  4194. Like dance like a couple
  4195. of people are watching.
  4196.  
  4197.  
  4198. >
  4199. Right? Even if you're alone
  4200. maybe hold it together.
  4201.  
  4202.  
  4203. >
  4204. Cross the street
  4205. like no cars What?
  4206.  
  4207.  
  4208. >
  4209. I was thinking
  4210. about this last night
  4211.  
  4212.  
  4213. >
  4214. and I was having
  4215. a little um wine and...
  4216.  
  4217.  
  4218. >
  4219. weed and an Ambien um...
  4220.  
  4221.  
  4222. >
  4223. or as I call it
  4224. tucking myself in.
  4225.  
  4226.  
  4227. >
  4228. Um...
  4229.  
  4230.  
  4231. >
  4232. (cheering whistling)
  4233.  
  4234.  
  4235. >
  4236. Good night moon. And...
  4237.  
  4238.  
  4239. >
  4240. I...
  4241.  
  4242.  
  4243. >
  4244. I am a good person.
  4245. I swear to you.
  4246.  
  4247.  
  4248. >
  4249. Like I'm very oldschool.
  4250.  
  4251.  
  4252. >
  4253. I think the guy
  4254. should always pay
  4255.  
  4256.  
  4257. >
  4258. on the first date
  4259. for sex and...
  4260.  
  4261.  
  4262. >
  4263. I'm a romantic.
  4264.  
  4265.  
  4266. >
  4267. I'm labeled a sex comic.
  4268.  
  4269.  
  4270. >
  4271. Like that's in interviews.
  4272.  
  4273.  
  4274. >
  4275. People are always like
  4276. "So you you talk about sex"
  4277.  
  4278.  
  4279. >
  4280. and I'm like... I think
  4281. it's just 'cause I'm a girl.
  4282.  
  4283.  
  4284. >
  4285. I feel like a guy could
  4286. get up here and literally
  4287.  
  4288.  
  4289. >
  4290. pull his dick out
  4291. and everybody would be like
  4292.  
  4293.  
  4294. >
  4295. "He's a thinker."
  4296. But...
  4297.  
  4298.  
  4299. >
  4300. (laughter cheers)
  4301. Right?
  4302.  
  4303.  
  4304. >
  4305. It's true.
  4306.  
  4307.  
  4308. >
  4309. But then I mention one UTI
  4310. and everyone just thinks
  4311.  
  4312.  
  4313. >
  4314. I walk around leaving
  4315. like a snail trail of cum
  4316.  
  4317.  
  4318. >
  4319. I'm just like...
  4320.  
  4321.  
  4322. >
  4323. And they're like
  4324. "Oh Amy's been here."
  4325.  
  4326.  
  4327. >
  4328. Cum is unsettling isn't it?
  4329.  
  4330.  
  4331. >
  4332. I don't say that
  4333. to shock you or
  4334.  
  4335.  
  4336. >
  4337. or get your attention
  4338. Like "Oh no she didn't."
  4339.  
  4340.  
  4341. >
  4342. Like I'm just reminding
  4343. you that we're all disgusting.
  4344.  
  4345.  
  4346. >
  4347. No one in here is better
  4348. than anyone else.
  4349.  
  4350.  
  4351. >
  4352. Like you've all caught
  4353. a hot load you know?
  4354.  
  4355.  
  4356. >
  4357. Like if that provides
  4358. you with discomfort
  4359.  
  4360.  
  4361. >
  4362. you're just looking
  4363. at it the wrong way.
  4364.  
  4365.  
  4366. >
  4367. We need to be
  4368. nicer about cum.
  4369.  
  4370.  
  4371. >
  4372. We really do.
  4373.  
  4374.  
  4375. >
  4376. Cum gives us life you know?
  4377.  
  4378.  
  4379. >
  4380. Gandhi was cum.
  4381.  
  4382.  
  4383. >
  4384. Oprah cum.
  4385.  
  4386.  
  4387. >
  4388. Oprah could have wound up
  4389. all over somebody's tits
  4390.  
  4391.  
  4392. >
  4393. but no...
  4394. we got Oprah.
  4395.  
  4396.  
  4397. >
  4398. (cheers whistles)
  4399.  
  4400.  
  4401. >
  4402. Thank you cum.
  4403.  
  4404.  
  4405. >
  4406. And yes it is sticky
  4407. and gross and no one ever
  4408.  
  4409.  
  4410. >
  4411. wants it in their mouth
  4412. ever ever ever but...
  4413.  
  4414.  
  4415. >
  4416. we need to change
  4417. how we're thinking about it.
  4418.  
  4419.  
  4420. >
  4421. It's not a wonderfully
  4422. regal moment
  4423.  
  4424.  
  4425. >
  4426. as a woman
  4427. when you take a load.
  4428.  
  4429.  
  4430. >
  4431. Um... when someone cums
  4432. in you you're not like
  4433.  
  4434.  
  4435. >
  4436. "We can do it.
  4437. I'm glad I leaned in."
  4438.  
  4439.  
  4440. >
  4441. It's not
  4442.  
  4443.  
  4444. >
  4445. But it's a fact of life.
  4446.  
  4447.  
  4448. >
  4449. All the greatest women
  4450. have dealt with it okay?
  4451.  
  4452.  
  4453. >
  4454. Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
  4455.  
  4456.  
  4457. >
  4458. Diane Sawyer.
  4459.  
  4460.  
  4461. >
  4462. Michelle Obama who I love
  4463. like the rest of us
  4464.  
  4465.  
  4466. >
  4467. probably once a week
  4468. has to carefully walk
  4469. to the bathroom.
  4470.  
  4471.  
  4472. >
  4473. Just squish squish
  4474. squish squish squish
  4475.  
  4476.  
  4477. >
  4478. squish squish squish
  4479. squish squish squish.
  4480.  
  4481.  
  4482. >
  4483. It's the White House.
  4484. It's probably a long hallway.
  4485.  
  4486.  
  4487. >
  4488. Squish squish squish
  4489. squish squish squish.
  4490.  
  4491.  
  4492. >
  4493. And with her perfect arms
  4494. she has to deal with it.
  4495.  
  4496.  
  4497. >
  4498. Just...
  4499.  
  4500.  
  4501. >
  4502. "This is more than normal.
  4503. I wonder what's..."
  4504.  
  4505.  
  4506. >
  4507. Barack's like
  4508. "Get out here. I want
  4509. to talk about those emails."
  4510.  
  4511.  
  4512. >
  4513. She's like "I'm cleaning
  4514. out your troops right now."
  4515.  
  4516.  
  4517. >
  4518. Yeah I am labeled
  4519. a sex comic and...
  4520.  
  4521.  
  4522. >
  4523. I just think that sex
  4524. is explained incorrectly
  4525.  
  4526.  
  4527. >
  4528. as far as men
  4529. and women's roles go.
  4530.  
  4531.  
  4532. >
  4533. It's like we're all told
  4534. over and over again
  4535.  
  4536.  
  4537. >
  4538. men love sex and women
  4539. just deal with it right?
  4540.  
  4541.  
  4542. >
  4543. Like every article
  4544. every sitcom
  4545.  
  4546.  
  4547. >
  4548. it's always the guy
  4549. getting home from work like
  4550.  
  4551.  
  4552. >
  4553. "Honey how about
  4554. tonight huh?"
  4555.  
  4556.  
  4557. >
  4558. And she's always like
  4559. "Blah! You know I hate
  4560. your dick. Laundry laundry."
  4561.  
  4562.  
  4563. >
  4564. It's insane.
  4565.  
  4566.  
  4567. >
  4568. I don't know
  4569. any girls like that.
  4570.  
  4571.  
  4572. >
  4573. Every girl I know
  4574. likes having sex.
  4575.  
  4576.  
  4577. >
  4578. I love having sex.
  4579.  
  4580.  
  4581. >
  4582. Not a weird amount
  4583. but like a normal person.
  4584.  
  4585.  
  4586. >
  4587. All of my friend I mean
  4588. one of them doesn't
  4589.  
  4590.  
  4591. >
  4592. but we think something
  4593. like happened to her.
  4594.  
  4595.  
  4596. >
  4597. But... but you're made
  4598. to feel really disgusting
  4599.  
  4600.  
  4601. >
  4602. and weird if you're a girl
  4603. who likes to have sex.
  4604.  
  4605.  
  4606. >
  4607. Like I've dated some guy
  4608.  
  4609.  
  4610. >
  4611. I would say %
  4612. in the relationships
  4613.  
  4614.  
  4615. >
  4616. I initiate the sex
  4617. and then %
  4618. we don't have it.
  4619.  
  4620.  
  4621. >
  4622. Um...
  4623.  
  4624.  
  4625. >
  4626. No but I've been
  4627. in relationships where
  4628.  
  4629.  
  4630. >
  4631. it's always the dude
  4632. like (grunts)
  4633.  
  4634.  
  4635. >
  4636. and then you like later
  4637. realize he was a sex addict
  4638.  
  4639.  
  4640. >
  4641. which Have you ever
  4642. dated a sex addict?
  4643.  
  4644.  
  4645. >
  4646. It's so fun at first
  4647. when you don't know.
  4648.  
  4649.  
  4650. >
  4651. You're like "Am I the hottest
  4652. piece of ass in the world?"
  4653.  
  4654.  
  4655. >
  4656. And then you're like
  4657. "Oh no he would
  4658. fuck a mailbox."
  4659.  
  4660.  
  4661. >
  4662. Um...
  4663.  
  4664.  
  4665. >
  4666. Which is why
  4667. I'm dressed like this.
  4668.  
  4669.  
  4670. >
  4671. Uh... but...
  4672.  
  4673.  
  4674. >
  4675. And then you know
  4676. I've dated guys where I always
  4677.  
  4678.  
  4679. >
  4680. have to initiate
  4681. and that's embarrassing.
  4682.  
  4683.  
  4684. >
  4685. It's because I used to
  4686. fuck really dumb guys
  4687.  
  4688.  
  4689. >
  4690. and I miss that
  4691. so very very much.
  4692.  
  4693.  
  4694. >
  4695. Dumb guys really pound you...
  4696.  
  4697.  
  4698. >
  4699. 'cause they're dumb.
  4700.  
  4701.  
  4702. >
  4703. I love men though.
  4704. I really do.
  4705.  
  4706.  
  4707. >
  4708. I was on the subway
  4709. the other day
  4710.  
  4711.  
  4712. >
  4713. and I heard these two guys
  4714. having this conversation.
  4715.  
  4716.  
  4717. >
  4718. So there's two of them.
  4719. They're standing
  4720.  
  4721.  
  4722. >
  4723. on the subway
  4724. and they're like...
  4725.  
  4726.  
  4727. >
  4728. He's like
  4729. "Dude you gotta
  4730. go to this bar.
  4731.  
  4732.  
  4733. >
  4734. They give you chips as
  4735. soon as you sit down."
  4736.  
  4737.  
  4738. >
  4739. And the other guy goes
  4740. "Yeah but they don't
  4741. refill 'em right?"
  4742.  
  4743.  
  4744. >
  4745. He's like
  4746. "They refill 'em
  4747. the whole time.
  4748.  
  4749.  
  4750. >
  4751. He goes "Sick!"
  4752.  
  4753.  
  4754. >
  4755. And then they were quiet
  4756. for like ten stops.
  4757.  
  4758.  
  4759. >
  4760. Just kinda like...
  4761.  
  4762.  
  4763. >
  4764. just like basking
  4765. in the great exchange.
  4766.  
  4767.  
  4768. >
  4769. I just I just
  4770. loved them you know?
  4771.  
  4772.  
  4773. >
  4774. I just looked at them like
  4775. "I want that.
  4776.  
  4777.  
  4778. >
  4779. Why can't that be me?"
  4780.  
  4781.  
  4782. >
  4783. 'Cause you know
  4784. if it had been two girls
  4785.  
  4786.  
  4787. >
  4788. I would have been
  4789. looking thinking
  4790.  
  4791.  
  4792. >
  4793. "That's so cool that these
  4794. two special needs women...
  4795.  
  4796.  
  4797. >
  4798. found each other you know?"
  4799.  
  4800.  
  4801. >
  4802. If it had been
  4803. me and a girlfriend
  4804.  
  4805.  
  4806. >
  4807. and I was like
  4808. "They give you chips.
  4809.  
  4810.  
  4811. >
  4812. (laughter)
  4813.  
  4814.  
  4815. >
  4816. (cheers applause)
  4817.  
  4818.  
  4819. >
  4820. They give you"
  4821. you'd be like
  4822.  
  4823.  
  4824. >
  4825. "Oh my God
  4826. where's their stop?
  4827.  
  4828.  
  4829. >
  4830. Like don't they
  4831. have an attendant?"
  4832.  
  4833.  
  4834. >
  4835. You'd be worried.
  4836.  
  4837.  
  4838. >
  4839. But I like creative types.
  4840.  
  4841.  
  4842. >
  4843. I fucked up.
  4844. I got to an age
  4845.  
  4846.  
  4847. >
  4848. I want to be
  4849. able to have a conversation
  4850. with someone like an idiot
  4851.  
  4852.  
  4853. >
  4854. and the creative types
  4855. they're all... ugh
  4856.  
  4857.  
  4858. >
  4859. like comics and artists.
  4860.  
  4861.  
  4862. >
  4863. They all
  4864. You have to treat
  4865.  
  4866.  
  4867. >
  4868. their dick like
  4869. a soufflé in the oven.
  4870.  
  4871.  
  4872. >
  4873. You can't make
  4874. a big motion
  4875.  
  4876.  
  4877. >
  4878. or loud noise near it
  4879. or it'll fall
  4880.  
  4881.  
  4882. >
  4883. and you have to start over
  4884. with a good attitude.
  4885.  
  4886.  
  4887. >
  4888. (grunts)
  4889.  
  4890.  
  4891. >
  4892. Is that how
  4893. you jerk someone off?
  4894.  
  4895.  
  4896. >
  4897. Am I doing it?
  4898.  
  4899.  
  4900. >
  4901. It's crazy.
  4902.  
  4903.  
  4904. >
  4905. Like we
  4906. It's crazy that we get
  4907.  
  4908.  
  4909. >
  4910. we get guilted about this.
  4911.  
  4912.  
  4913. >
  4914. Like women wanna cum.
  4915.  
  4916.  
  4917. >
  4918. Of course we wanna cum.
  4919.  
  4920.  
  4921. >
  4922. What girls are having sex
  4923.  
  4924.  
  4925. >
  4926. like "Oh no I'm just
  4927. I'm just honored to be
  4928.  
  4929.  
  4930. >
  4931. "witnessing your process.
  4932. I It's just so cool
  4933.  
  4934.  
  4935. >
  4936. "to be a part of
  4937. No I don't want to feel
  4938.  
  4939.  
  4940. >
  4941. "the one good thing
  4942. we're allowed as humans.
  4943.  
  4944.  
  4945. >
  4946. No I This is just you.
  4947. Please anywhere."
  4948.  
  4949.  
  4950. >
  4951. Um...
  4952.  
  4953.  
  4954. >
  4955. Make your girls cum guys.
  4956.  
  4957.  
  4958. >
  4959. It's just
  4960. explained incorrectly.
  4961.  
  4962.  
  4963. >
  4964. It's just...
  4965.  
  4966.  
  4967. >
  4968. I remember
  4969. as a very young girl
  4970.  
  4971.  
  4972. >
  4973. too young it was
  4974. broken down for me.
  4975.  
  4976.  
  4977. >
  4978. It was like
  4979. "Be careful Amy.
  4980.  
  4981.  
  4982. >
  4983. "Men only want one thing.
  4984.  
  4985.  
  4986. >
  4987. They are all gonna
  4988. try and fuck you!"
  4989.  
  4990.  
  4991. >
  4992. I was like "Okay."
  4993.  
  4994.  
  4995. >
  4996. And then I waited.
  4997.  
  4998.  
  4999. >
  5000. "Let's see.
  5001. Am I on the wrong street?
  5002.  
  5003.  
  5004. >
  5005. Are they..."
  5006.  
  5007.  
  5008. >
  5009. I do like talking about sex.
  5010.  
  5011.  
  5012. >
  5013. I like hearing
  5014. about it more.
  5015.  
  5016.  
  5017. >
  5018. Like I love hearing
  5019. sex acts you know?
  5020.  
  5021.  
  5022. >
  5023. There's like terms for all
  5024. those all that stuff.
  5025.  
  5026.  
  5027. >
  5028. Like there's a...
  5029. the donkey punch you know
  5030.  
  5031.  
  5032. >
  5033. or like
  5034. the dirty Sanchez.
  5035.  
  5036.  
  5037. >
  5038. These are the ones
  5039. the classics
  5040.  
  5041.  
  5042. >
  5043. we all grew
  5044. up with right?
  5045.  
  5046.  
  5047. >
  5048. Those are like
  5049. the "To Kill a Mockingbird"
  5050.  
  5051.  
  5052. >
  5053. of sex terms.
  5054.  
  5055.  
  5056. >
  5057. But there are so many
  5058. that you've never heard of.
  5059.  
  5060.  
  5061. >
  5062. I love hearing new ones.
  5063.  
  5064.  
  5065. >
  5066. There's like...
  5067. there's the dirty Rochester...
  5068.  
  5069.  
  5070. >
  5071. Did you ever hear of that?
  5072.  
  5073.  
  5074. >
  5075. Okay that is where
  5076. the guy shits on your chest
  5077.  
  5078.  
  5079. >
  5080. while he's on a business
  5081. trip to Rochester.
  5082.  
  5083.  
  5084. >
  5085. Is that maybe
  5086. not really a thing
  5087.  
  5088.  
  5089. >
  5090. and I was perhaps lied to?
  5091.  
  5092.  
  5093. >
  5094. I love There
  5095. there's the dolphin.
  5096.  
  5097.  
  5098. >
  5099. That's where the guy tries
  5100. to put it in the girl's butt
  5101.  
  5102.  
  5103. >
  5104. and she goes
  5105. "Ehhehh ehhehh."
  5106.  
  5107.  
  5108. >
  5109. That's like
  5110. a fun family one.
  5111.  
  5112.  
  5113. >
  5114. There's...
  5115.  
  5116.  
  5117. >
  5118. the Alaskan pipeline
  5119. which um...
  5120.  
  5121.  
  5122. >
  5123. a guy shits in a condom
  5124. freezes it...
  5125.  
  5126.  
  5127. >
  5128. and then you know what?
  5129.  
  5130.  
  5131. >
  5132. I won't say
  5133. the end of it
  5134.  
  5135.  
  5136. >
  5137. 'cause it doesn't end
  5138. like in a super romantic
  5139.  
  5140.  
  5141. >
  5142. like "Notebook"y type way.
  5143.  
  5144.  
  5145. >
  5146. She doesn't like
  5147. pull it out and find
  5148.  
  5149.  
  5150. >
  5151. a ring on it
  5152. and say like "Yes!"
  5153.  
  5154.  
  5155. >
  5156. There's no good one
  5157. for the girl.
  5158.  
  5159.  
  5160. >
  5161. There's no like
  5162. wacky Shirley where she sits
  5163.  
  5164.  
  5165. >
  5166. on his face
  5167. and reads her tweets
  5168.  
  5169.  
  5170. >
  5171. like there's nothing.
  5172.  
  5173.  
  5174. >
  5175. We have nothing.
  5176.  
  5177.  
  5178. >
  5179. Does anyone know one
  5180. that's good for the girl?
  5181. Anybody?
  5182.  
  5183.  
  5184. >
  5185. No right?
  5186.  
  5187.  
  5188. >
  5189. I asked that
  5190. I asked that
  5191.  
  5192.  
  5193. >
  5194. in the first show
  5195. and somebody said the minivan.
  5196.  
  5197.  
  5198. >
  5199. Two in the front
  5200. five in the back and...
  5201.  
  5202.  
  5203. >
  5204. I don't even know what
  5205. he was referring to actually.
  5206.  
  5207.  
  5208. >
  5209. Do you guys know any?
  5210. I love hearing new ones.
  5211.  
  5212.  
  5213. >
  5214. Does anybody have Huh?
  5215.  
  5216.  
  5217. >
  5218. Man The angry dragon.
  5219. The angry dragon?
  5220. What is that?
  5221.  
  5222.  
  5223. >
  5224. Um basically when you're
  5225.  
  5226.  
  5227. >
  5228. When a girl
  5229. is sucking your dick
  5230.  
  5231.  
  5232. >
  5233. When a girl
  5234. is sucking your dick
  5235.  
  5236.  
  5237. >
  5238. Oh my Wait I love
  5239. how your girlfriend looks
  5240. right now.
  5241.  
  5242.  
  5243. >
  5244. She's like "Please..."
  5245.  
  5246.  
  5247. >
  5248. You're his mom?
  5249. Oh my God!
  5250.  
  5251.  
  5252. >
  5253. This is totally
  5254. your fault Mom!
  5255.  
  5256.  
  5257. >
  5258. This beautiful boy you raised.
  5259.  
  5260.  
  5261. >
  5262. Well let's hear the story
  5263. of how you were born.
  5264.  
  5265.  
  5266. >
  5267. Go ahead.
  5268.  
  5269.  
  5270. >
  5271. Angry dragon.
  5272.  
  5273.  
  5274. >
  5275. All right. Uh basically
  5276. when you're about to climax
  5277.  
  5278.  
  5279. >
  5280. when you're getting a blowjob
  5281. you push her head
  5282.  
  5283.  
  5284. >
  5285. When you're about to climax
  5286. you push her head...
  5287.  
  5288.  
  5289. >
  5290. You push her head
  5291. at the back of her
  5292.  
  5293.  
  5294. >
  5295. I like that
  5296. he's acting it out.
  5297.  
  5298.  
  5299. >
  5300. Like he's like
  5301. "This is what
  5302. it looks like! Yes!"
  5303.  
  5304.  
  5305. >
  5306. ...and the jizz goes
  5307. up through the nose.
  5308.  
  5309.  
  5310. >
  5311. Up through the nose.
  5312.  
  5313.  
  5314. >
  5315. What's your name?
  5316.  
  5317.  
  5318. >
  5319. What is it? George?
  5320.  
  5321.  
  5322. >
  5323. Jordan.
  5324.  
  5325.  
  5326. >
  5327. Jordan I think
  5328. you're grounded.
  5329.  
  5330.  
  5331. >
  5332. (laughter cheers)
  5333.  
  5334.  
  5335. >
  5336. I love you Mom.
  5337.  
  5338.  
  5339. >
  5340. Thank you for bringing him.
  5341.  
  5342.  
  5343. >
  5344. For raising him
  5345. into the perfect gentleman.
  5346.  
  5347.  
  5348. >
  5349. There's none that
  5350. are good for the girl.
  5351.  
  5352.  
  5353. >
  5354. There's one called the raccoon
  5355. where you just punch her
  5356.  
  5357.  
  5358. >
  5359. in both eyes
  5360. and knock over her trash.
  5361.  
  5362.  
  5363. >
  5364. Like they're not...
  5365.  
  5366.  
  5367. >
  5368. That doesn't even make sense.
  5369.  
  5370.  
  5371. >
  5372. There's the Abraham Lincoln.
  5373.  
  5374.  
  5375. >
  5376. That's where he
  5377. the guy trims his pubes
  5378.  
  5379.  
  5380. >
  5381. cums on the girl's face
  5382. and then... (blows)
  5383. throws the pubes...
  5384.  
  5385.  
  5386. >
  5387. so she has that facial hair.
  5388.  
  5389.  
  5390. >
  5391. You guys don't
  5392. like US history?
  5393.  
  5394.  
  5395. >
  5396. I can't gauge the crowd.
  5397.  
  5398.  
  5399. >
  5400. What's wrong?
  5401.  
  5402.  
  5403. >
  5404. The worst one
  5405. I've ever heard
  5406.  
  5407.  
  5408. >
  5409. is the Houdini
  5410. which is where
  5411.  
  5412.  
  5413. >
  5414. the guy's having sex
  5415. with the girl from behind
  5416.  
  5417.  
  5418. >
  5419. then unbeknownst to her
  5420. his friend subs in for him.
  5421.  
  5422.  
  5423. >
  5424. Guy number one runs outside
  5425.  
  5426.  
  5427. >
  5428. knocks on the window
  5429. waves to the girl...
  5430.  
  5431.  
  5432. >
  5433. which is just rape.
  5434.  
  5435.  
  5436. >
  5437. Like that's just rape.
  5438.  
  5439.  
  5440. >
  5441. It's not fair to Houdini.
  5442.  
  5443.  
  5444. >
  5445. Like no girl is gonna
  5446. think that's hilarious.
  5447.  
  5448.  
  5449. >
  5450. No girl's gonna be
  5451. like "What?
  5452.  
  5453.  
  5454. >
  5455. "Ahh!
  5456.  
  5457.  
  5458. >
  5459. (cheers applause)
  5460.  
  5461.  
  5462. >
  5463. "Baby I thought you were
  5464. fucking me but it's Phil!
  5465.  
  5466.  
  5467. >
  5468. I love you!"
  5469.  
  5470.  
  5471. >
  5472. Thank you so much Apollo!
  5473.  
  5474.  
  5475. >
  5476. Muah!
  5477.  
  5478.  
  5479. >
  5480. (whistling cheering)
  5481.  
  5482.  
  5483. >
  5484. (rap music playing)
  5485.  
  5486.  
  5487. >
  5488. ¶ Yo ¶
  5489.  
  5490.  
  5491. >
  5492. ¶ Man ¶
  5493.  
  5494.  
  5495. >
  5496. ¶ Man uh ¶
  5497.  
  5498.  
  5499. >
  5500. ¶ Bitches ain't shit ¶
  5501.  
  5502.  
  5503. >
  5504. ¶ And they ain't
  5505. sayin' nothin' ¶
  5506.  
  5507.  
  5508. >
  5509. ¶ A hundred motherfuckers
  5510. can't tell me nothin' ¶
  5511.  
  5512.  
  5513. >
  5514. ¶ I beez in the trap ¶
  5515.  
  5516.  
  5517. >
  5518. ¶ BeBeez in the trap ¶
  5519.  
  5520.  
  5521. >
  5522. ¶ I beez in the trap ¶
  5523.  
  5524.  
  5525. >
  5526. ¶ BeBeez in the trap ¶
  5527.  
  5528.  
  5529. >
  5530. ¶ Bitches ain't shit ¶
  5531.  
  5532.  
  5533. >
  5534. ¶ And they ain't
  5535. sayin' nothin' ¶
  5536.  
  5537.  
  5538. >
  5539. ¶ A hundred motherfuckers
  5540. can't tell me nothin' ¶
  5541.  
  5542.  
  5543. >
  5544. ¶ I beez in the trap ¶
  5545.  
  5546.  
  5547. >
  5548. ¶ BeBeez in the trap ¶
  5549.  
  5550.  
  5551. >
  5552. ¶ I beez in the trap ¶
  5553.  
  5554.  
  5555. >
  5556. ¶ BeBeez in the trap ¶
  5557.  
  5558.  
  5559. >
  5560. Young Amy
  5561. ¶ Let me entertain you ¶
  5562.  
  5563.  
  5564. >
  5565. ¶ Let me do a few tricks ¶
  5566.  
  5567.  
  5568. >
  5569. ¶ Some old and then
  5570. some new tricks ¶
  5571.  
  5572.  
  5573. >
  5574. ¶ I'm very versatile ¶
  5575.  
  5576.  
  5577. >
  5578. Man
  5579. Mmhmm.
  5580.  
  5581.  
  5582. >
  5583. ¶ And if you're real good ¶
  5584.  
  5585.  
  5586. >
  5587. ¶ I'll make you feel good ¶
  5588.  
  5589.  
  5590. >
  5591. ¶ I want
  5592. your spirits to climb ¶
  5593.  
  5594.  
  5595. >
  5596. ¶ So let me entertain you ¶
  5597.  
  5598.  
  5599. >
  5600. ¶ And we'll have
  5601. a real good time oh boy ¶
  5602.  
  5603.  
  5604. >
  5605. ¶ And we'll have
  5606. a real good time ¶
  5607.  
  5608.  
  5609. >
  5610. Woman
  5611. <i> So easy!</i>
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