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- Why all the Golden Corral hate? Golden Corral is honestly better than a fucking movie.
- I have a friend named Bruce. Bruce looks to be some kind of honest-to-God pirate at first
- glance, and I mean Captain Jack Sparrow's crew pirate, and the ornery, mean old fucking pirate
- you'd never, ever want to mess with because he'd bite your God-damned nose off and eat it. He's
- also wildly into K-pop, choreographs his own dance routines to it, and in the last year or two
- has started just basically eating like a Korean, which apparently means shitloads of vegetables
- and cabbage. Anyway, Bruce goes to Golden Corral like 2x a week, which I thought was kind of strange
- due to his new health kick, so finally I asked him about it.
- "Dude," he said. "Golden Corral has a shitload of vegetables, and their cabbage is great. But
- you're missing the point. You don't go to Golden Corral just for the food. It's fucking dinner theater."
- And you know what? He's right. For $12 you can sit and watch some of the most hilarious, downright
- hellishly gluttonous behavior you will see outside the Plane of Fat in the Demonic Abyss. I went with
- him one time and laughed so hard at some of the shit on display that now I go with him about once a
- month, get a big plate of steak and another big plate of salad, stake out a spot where you can see
- most of the buffets (and oh for fucking sure the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL) and just observe the kind of
- unbelievably self-indulgent (and self-destructive) shit that would make a European or Southeast Asian's
- person head explode off their shoulders in horror and make someone with a "sick sad world" sense of
- humor laugh their ass off.
- Someone, say, like me.
- For example, the very first time I went with Bruce I was witness to "the recon." This is a real thing,
- and what I am about to describe is not an isolated incident, no sirree. Humongously fat people will
- literally go scout the buffet. Now, I think we all do this to some extent at a buffet, in the "Hmm,
- what do they have to eat here?" glance-while-walking-to-the-table sense, but this is done with military
- precision, people. I've watched with my own eyes three people, all of whom were 300 lbs+, meet briefly
- and talk, then split up and go to the buffets, carefully eyeballing each selection, lips moving, fingers
- pointing, as if cataloging the unearthly delights that await them, then fucking meeting back up in the
- same place to discuss what they saw and plan an attack. I'm serious. They were like 10 feet away.
- "Guys it looks like the fried chicken tonight is coming out pretty fast, pretty sure that stuff's going
- to be good, but the rotisserie is just kind of hanging out. Pulled pork was kind of crusty but I think
- if we dug down a bit there's good stuff there. There was a bit of a crust on the edge of the brown gravy
- and someone dropped some fucking broccoli in it but the white gravy's looking fine. Outside of that, hot
- bar A looks good. And of course the bourbon chicken looks good as always."
- "Fantastic. Well, the guy cooking the steaks told me they are busting open a new box in about 20 minutes,
- so we should probably lay off that until then. I noticed there was a lot of bacon in the green beans right
- now so that should probably be one of our first stops. The mac and cheese tonight also looks fucking
- delicious, it's got a nice crust unlike that bullshit last week when it was practically yellow water, so we
- need to move on that. It looks like they recently changed out the taco stuff, especially the nacho cheese,
- it looks brand new, so, take that for what it's worth."
- "Well I've got bad news guys, from what I could see it looks like tonight's a no chocolate cake night,
- they only have that fucking one that has those fake cherries on top, and we all know how that fucks things up."
- >groans all around<
- "But it's not that big a deal because they just put out rice krispies with chocolate coating and the girl
- said they've got tons of them. They've also got those sugar cookies and some fudge brownies that look all
- right, and all the other pie shit they usually have."
- "OK, so green beans, fried chicken, the mac and cheese, the white gravy, those are tonight's superstars.
- Let's go."
- I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. I expected a fucking Wonder Twin powers-esque ring bump at this point, but instead
- they just all fled to a plate dispenser and began loading the fuck out of their plates. It really reminds
- me of nothing so much as when people like, discuss what's going on with their favorite sports teams.
- Except with food.
- This is also when I first experienced the phenomenon of the "multiplate."
- Now, your average person will take a plate to the buffet, fill it with food, and go back to their table and
- eat. But, you see, that person understands that when they are done eating, if they want more, there will be
- more food available at that time. But the multiplater wants to hedge its bets. What if, between that first
- and second trip to the buffet, the restaurant suddenly ran completely the fuck out of food? Like, not even
- mints by the cash register or gum in the quarter machines? WHAT THEN? Your deliciousness per second
- (DPS... sorry) will go down!
- It doesn't bear thinking about. Now it's unlikely, gentlemen, but not impossible, so as we are smart
- consumers, we're going to guard against the possibility. So let's each go get three complete plates of food
- and come back to the table.
- Now I'm not talking a meal plate and a salad plate, as I mentioned before I myself do that every time I
- go to watch this... whatever the fuck it is, Theater of the Grotesque, I guess. But just imagine for a
- moment going up to the buffet and getting a plate loaded down with actual fucking rib-sticking food. 3-4
- chicken wings and legs, a big-ass helping of mac and cheese, some mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans,
- two corns on the cob, and a yeast roll or two, then taking it back to your table. Time to eat, right?
- WRONG. DIPSHIT. WHAT IF THEY RUN OUT OF FOOD WHILE YOU ARE EATING YOU GOD-DAMNED NINNY? WHAT ABOUT YOUR DPS?
- So you just set this completely full plate down and go get another one, and again you just completely fill
- the fuck out of it with food. A couple of steaks, a pile of pulled pork, a rice mountain topped with sugary
- chicken (MOUNT BOURBON), and a couple of smoked sausages with nacho cheese on them, then you take that
- back to your table.
- You now have enough food at your table, JUST ON YOUR PLATES, to feed an entire platoon of ten year-olds who
- have been playing all day. Time to sit down and pig the fuck out. WRONG. DIPSHIT. WHAT IF THEY RUN OUT OF
- FOOD NOW? YOU'VE ONLY GOT LITERALLY TEN OR FIFTEEN THOUSAND CALORIES ON YOUR PLATE, YOU'RE PRACTICALLY
- GOING TO STARVE TO DEATH. IF YOU DON'T KEEP YOUR DPS UP WE'LL HAVE TO KICK YOU OUT OF THE GUILD DUDE.
- So again you set your second completely full plate down and go back AGAIN. I dunno what the fuck you get this
- time, since you already have basically everything they serve, but on one multiplate I watched a dude walk(?)
- to the salad bar and create the following salad:
- 1 giant ladle of blue cheese dressing directly onto the plate
- Multiple giant scoops of shredded cheese on top of this
- Multiple giant scoops of those weird ham cube-bits on top of this
- Multiple giant scoops of bacon bits on top of this
- Multiple giant scoops of boiled egg crumbles on top of this
- An enormous pile of croutons
- A giant scoop of mushrooms (I think this "made it healthy" because mushrooms are like a fish or something and
- fish is negative calorie superfood?)
- 2 giant ladles of blue cheese dressing on top
- Just think about that for a fucking minute. OK, frankly, it sounds pretty delicious, but holy shit how horrid
- does something like that have to be for you? Imagine trying to shit that out a few hours down the line. But
- now you have your third plate, and so now you can at least quiet the yammering fear that you won't get to eat
- everything in the entire God-damned place before it closes down for the night, and at last you can finally
- start to eat.
- Again, this is not fantasy. I've watched this multiple times. I've seen a woman so fat she had to use a walker
- to move sit by herself at a 4-person table and completely cover the surface of it with plates of food before
- she started eating, and she cleaned every last one of them. It has the same uneasy, somehow alien fascination
- of seeing a car wreck, or a really fucked-up porn where the chick is wearing spider prosthetics and hissing all
- the fucking time. You're like, am I really supposed to be entertained by this? I kind of feel bad, and sort of
- weird, but... I mean, just fucking look at it. It's brutal, unchained nihilism unfettered from any concept of
- moderation or shame or self-preservation and frankly it's kind of fascinating watching someone deliberately say
- "Fuck any sort of a comfortable life, WHERE IS THE THOUSAND ISLAND CONTAINER?"
- So what I'm trying to say is, Golden Corral really is cheap dinner theater, and believe it or not you can
- actually eat there without consuming ten thousand+ calories if you just eat a steak strip or two and some salad
- or potatoes or something.
- Oh, and did I mention the Chocolate Wonderfall? Well, frankly, if you dare to use that fucking thing I salute you,
- because it wouldn't surprise me to find a live octopus in it. This is already too long for a dumb post about
- obsessive fatties at Golden Corral, but if I get a chance later I might type up some of the shit I've seen
- people do with that thing.
- BTW as a disclaimer I'm a 220-lb dude (6'2" though so I don't look too monstrous) who has spent his whole life
- losing and then gaining weight. I know it's extremely tough to do, and it's REALLY tough to keep doing and maintain
- it, but there's a big difference between "I'm overweight, try my best, run 4 times a week, and occasionally
- overindulge in an entire tub of scoop n' eat cheesecake filling" and sticking your face to the fucking ears into
- the Chocolate Wonderfall and sucking like Cygnus X-1 till security gets there with the the bullropes.
- I hope someone liked reading that as much as I liked writing it.
- * * * * * * * *
- OK, so, as promised, the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL.
- That's right, a non-stop flowing river of chocolate decadence.
- I have no idea how it's legal to have this thing. At first glance it's like, "Yeah, that's kind of cool, looks tasty,"
- but then on further reflection you begin to think of terms like "vector" and "transmission" and "patient zero" and
- start to reconsider. They don't let restaurants serve food "family style" (big bowls and serving spoons in a common
- dish on the table) and this seems like family style on steroids. I dunno.
- Bruce told me about the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL one night on the way to GC. "Dude, they have like this chocolate river
- thing now, you'll see."
- "Is it good?"
- "No, dude. No. Just watch."
- Now, they have a person who stands in the dessert section who is supposed to, I guess, guard the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL?
- But they are not always there, and occasionally disappear into the back of the restaurant to do whatever it is that
- is done back there. This is as effective as any guard who is randomly gone. But in case user 'goldencorral' is in
- this thread, I will say that every gross/unsanitary thing I've seen regarding the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL has taken
- place when this person, who I will call Deputy Sweeto, was gone.
- The way people are actually supposed to engage with the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL: take a piece of something that would
- be good with chocolate, stick it on a skewer, stick it under the chocolate, you are done. Put it on a plate so it
- doesn't drop all over the place, go back to your seat, eat, enjoy, go home. Fifty return trips to the CHOCOLATE
- WONDERFALL optional, but necessary.
- So here are some things I've seen people do with the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL. Note that the real threat to the
- integrity of the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL is not adults, who although they may do disgusting and unhealthy things to it
- (such as using, say, actual fucking fudge as the material to be chocolate-covered) most of them are conscientious
- enough to not be unsanitary.
- Oh, but unattended children, they Do. Not. Give. A. Fuck. And believe me, at GC there's going to be some unattended
- children, because mommy and daddy are trying to get their DPS up people, and paying attention to their precious
- living things might result in someone else getting more of the mac and cheese crust covering by delaying their
- second multiplate.
- Chocolate chicken leg: This is what I saw the first time I went there and just before the only time I contemplated
- chocolating something up. Just as I was about to get up, I watched a little kid, probably about 6-7 years old,
- walk up to the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL and stick a fried chicken leg in it.
- Now, frankly, this is fucking hilarious. Just really think for a minute about seeing this, the little dude just
- staggering over to the chocolate and plunging a fried chicken leg into it. There's no question at this point that
- little bits of fried batter are getting knocked off by the power of the WONDERFALL and merging with the chocolate,
- and I know there's nothing I'd like better on a strawberry than some soggy, chocolate-infused fried chicken coating.
- So already Bruce and I are laughing so fucking hard we're practically injuring ourselves, but this gets better.
- After thoroughly chocolating this chicken leg, the kid yanks it out from under the WONDERFALL, makes no attempt
- to put a plate under it or anything, and turns and walks away from the thing, trailing the chicken leg at his side
- like a caveman's club.
- Well, it is dripping chocolate. Not a lot, but some, and no one is paying attention to it, so people are walking
- through this liquid chocolate and just smearing it all over the place and making a hellish, God-awful mess.
- Admittedly, it's just around that dessert section, which is tile, but still. Little dude walks back to his table,
- looks at the chicken leg with some consternation, and then just throws it under the table on the floor.
- I've seen a dude take a plate of bourbon chicken (which, to the uninitiated, is basically chicken bits in a brown
- fructose sauce... but okay, it's delicious too), walk over to the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL, and use a spoon to
- completely cover his already-soaked-in-fucking-sugary-solution chicken pieces in milk chocolate. Ol' Deputy Sweeto
- was there for this one, but didn't say anything because, well, what the guy was doing wasn't unsanitary or harming
- the fountain or anything, it was just, you know, gross beyond belief at the cellular level. As he walked away
- Deputy Sweeto caught me staring. We locked eyes across the restaurant, shared a brief look of "What have we seen?
- Others have not...", and then went about our normal business, strangers connected by a shared glimpse into the
- Maw of Chicken Madness.
- Dude took his chocolate bourbon chicken over to the buffet, put a little rice on the side, and went and ate the
- whole fucking thing. Frankly I was tempted to go get a chunk or two of bourbon chicken and do the same thing myself
- just to see what the fuck that could possibly taste like and why someone would eat a plate of it, but then I
- realized that I will at some point want to look at myself in the mirror and feel proud of my life as a human being
- and so I didn't.
- CHOCOLATE WONDERSPRAY: Occasionally you will get someone who is not satisfied with a single layer of chocolate on
- their treat, and they will stand for a moment and let the chocolate on their tastybit harden a smidge and put some
- more chocolate on it. OK so by occasionally I mean "almost everyone does this." I don't consider this horrid
- gluttony unless you're up there for fucking five minutes and walk away with a chocolate baseball on a stick
- (but yes, I've seen people stand up there and do that for literally five minutes before, I think they are mainly
- just trying to drip as much chocolate as possible onto the plate they hold beneath it, "Whoops, now I guess I
- have to eat all this too, mustn't waste!"). But this little girl takes the cake for that shit. If standing there
- and maybe gently blowing on your chocolate-covered tastybit allows more chocolate, then you know what would be better?
- Blow on it like you're Superman putting out the fucking Towering Inferno, that's what!
- The little girl dunks her krispie, pulls it out, and proceeds to blow on it like Superman put- you get it. Well,
- this results in little chocolate drops being blown all over the fucking place. The sheer violence of the blowing is
- also denuding her little treat of chocolate, so she sticks it in again and does the same thing, with the same results.
- So again. And again. At this point the area near her is beginning to resemble something that has seen the touch of
- several shotgun shells full of chocolate birdshot. At last her mother saw what she was doing and came and got her, and
- then, in an unusual and heartening twist, called for Deputy Sweeto and tried to help clean up. Your average mom at GC
- would have grabbed her child, looked around anxiously, and then slunk away. So high five, moral and responsible mom!
- What the fuck are you doing OH NAW DUDE DUDE NAW CHRIST: Short and sweet and horrible. Man gets soup bowl. Man walks to
- CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL, fills soup bowl 3/4 full. Puts rice krispie on top. Walks back to table, crushes rice krispie
- with spoon, begins eating pure liquid chocolate with minor crunchy bits, and I lose faith in the future of the world.
- * * * * * * * *
- So. Babies at Golden Corral.
- First, let's just state that I love babies. They are nature's little Jokers, agents of chaos who just do not give a fuck.
- About anything. They don't give a fuck about your rules, your controls, your social mores, or your laws. They will shit
- on the floor like it's nothing. They are gonna do what they want, and when they find something they like to do they are
- going to do it, and they will do it as long as possible and the longer they do it the faster they will do it and the harder
- they will laugh. Seriously, they are about the best free entertainment in the world.
- Literally the funniest thing in the world to me is to be in a crowded public place and have a baby start doing that kind of
- crying where they are just screaming at the top of their fucking lungs with tears running down their faces, occasionally
- pausing and falling almost completely silent to gulp in another big lungful of air before going back to 180 decibels while
- the parent looks around frantically and begs them to stop. I mean, seriously, that's the funniest shit in the world. Bonus
- points if this happens at Golden Corral and Trailer Park Romeo & Juliet (see below) look at the shrieking, obviously
- infuriated child, shrug like, "Zis my porblem? Sheeeit izza baby, he's justa cryn," before going back to DPSing as hard as
- possible. Holy shit I'm seriously LMAO right now just thinking about it.
- Now, I am a childless man. There is a really good reason for this, which is that I am a selfish asshole who can't comprehend
- not being able to wake up and just do whatever I want all day without being burdened by another living thing's requirements.
- Shit, I can barely take care of my snapping turtle, who only requires some sort of flesh be tossed in his tank every week or so.
- But that said, even I understand at the atomic level that when you actually do have a child, that child must take precedence
- over absolutely everything else in your entire life including anything you may have wanted. You have to nurture it, guide it,
- protect it, take care of it, watch over it, and teach it how to be a good person who will contribute to society.
- Unless you take it to Golden Corral. At this point, a magical alchemy occurs and you no longer have any responsibility for
- your baby, and you should just let it run free and learn on its own things like "steam tables are hot" and "a handful of
- ranch dressing feels funny."
- You see a lot of kids at Golden Corral, sticking chicken legs in CHOCOLATE WONDERFALLS and things, and you do see a lot of
- babies also. Now when I say baby, I basically mean a being anywhere from womb-age to young enough it can barely walk
- unassisted and does that terrifying hard-lean-forward baby stagger while you cringe and simultaneously fear/long for the
- inevitable faceplant. Young enough to still have to stick in a highchair, basically.
- Quite a few couples with kids you will see at Golden Corral fit the stereotype I think of as "Trailer Park Romeo and
- Juliet." This means:
- 1 partner very large, usually extremely disheveled, with a wild eye and an aggressive demeanor who speaks very loudly
- and has no problem yelling threats of physical violence to either partner or child, like "IMMA FUCKIN BEAT YOU" at full
- volume in the midst of a crowded restaurant. If this partner is the female they will always, always have at least one large
- facial mole with multiple black bristles sticking from it.
- 1 partner whisper thin, hellishly passive, instinctively flinching, watery-eyed, with a sick smile and a completely
- whipped and beaten-down aura coming off them in discernible waves. If this partner is the male they will always, always be
- sporting a disgusting pubestache with three very prominent hairs longer than the surrounding pubes which have obviously
- been cultivated with love and pride.
- People say stereotypes are the language of hate, but they become stereotypes by being repeatedly true over centuries.
- So anyway, these are the kind of people who will trail 3-4 kids from ages 1-6 into a Wal-mart and turn to the 6 year-old
- and say things like, "NOW LITTLE BECKY YOU WATCH YER SISTERS OK" and then walk off to the bathroom and leave them alone,
- or think nothing of knocking a kid to the floor when the least bit irritated.
- To put it more plainly, abominable genetic misfit monsters who should never have been allowed to breed and shouldn't be
- entrusted with the welfare of a human child. Oh, but they have them, and by the bucketload, and then they take them...
- to Golden Corral.
- Oh and before I say anything else YES, I know what I am about to describe sucks ass for the server. I'm well aware of this.
- I tip extremely well when I go to any place like this because I know the poor people working there aren't making dick and
- are specifically having to deal with shit like this, so rage against that machine somewhere else.
- If I had a baby, and I took the baby to Golden Corral, I know exactly the steps I would take. Here they are, in order:
- Put infant in high chair.
- Go get food when infant is safe.
- Bring infant back some small piece of appropriate food they can gnaw on, if they are old enough to do so.
- Occasionally feed infant small safe bits of food off my own plate.
- Parents, is this reasonable? I hope so. Here is what I would not do:
- Get infant a plate completely full of nacho cheese sauce and top with some chips.
- Place on highchair tray in front of infant.
- Ignore infant as it goes buck fucking "samurai wild" on the incredibly inappropriate thing before it.
- So, you know how when a baby does something it thinks is amusing, like, say, lightly slaps a stuffed animal and you go,
- "Ow!" and it laughs? What happens next? Well, the baby is amused, and it wants more amusement, so it will slap the stuffed
- animal again. Harder. And faster. If it continues to be amused, it will continue to do this. Harder. And faster. Again.
- And again. Until it's a little sped-up blur of slapping and hysterical giggling. It's practically a law of nature, you
- could probably make an equation for it.
- (Baby amusement) = (Force of strikes)(Speed of strikes)
- Something like that. Note that term A only gets bigger if terms B and C constantly increase, and term A must increase
- because FUN FOR THE FUN GOD! So, now, imagine putting a full plate of viscous canned cheddar sauce before a baby.
- What the fuck do you think is going to happen?
- Well, you can guess. Baby stuck its hands in the cheese, sucked some cheese off its hands, and eventually came to the
- realization that by sort of hitting the cheese, it could cause an amusing pattern/feeling/spatter. The baby looked at
- his own cheese-laden hand, fascinated, and then he laughed.
- That laugh was the key. The equation had begun. There was no stopping it now. Across the room, I nudged Bruce. "Shit's
- about to get real, bro." He looked up from his mountain of cabbage and roots and other leafy shit and saw where I was looking.
- "Oh fuck yes, they gave it nacho cheese, how God-damned dumb are they? They gave it a whole plate!" This said in the same
- tones you'd use to say something like, "It is El Dorado, a whole city made of solid gold!" Man I love that guy, he's awesome.
- Now that first baby cheese-slap was just an experiment. We've all seen it, and you all know exactly what I mean. "What is
- this? What does it feel like? How does it respond to my power?" But once baby has figured out that A)cheese isn't fighting
- back and B)hey that felt funny and C)things around me turn orange! there was no turning back.
- "I am Golden Corral's reckoning. Here to end the borrowed time you've all been living on."
- A second slap landed in the plate of nacho cheese. Significantly harder. Significantly more cheese went flying. Already at
- this point Bruce and I are laughing our asses off, because just these two slaps by themselves have made a hellish mess,
- baby is covered in cheese, cheese is everywhere, mom and dad are DPSing and so don't have time to pay attention to their
- precious child, and you can just see where this is going already. See this in your mind, friends, the child's arm speeding
- up, harder and faster each time, the child giggling, its arm turning into a little pinwheel of destruction.
- >SLAP<
- Cheese flies.
- >SLAP<
- Cheese flies.
- >SLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAP<
- FUCKING CHEDDARCAUST
- There's fucking cheese everywhere. The kid looks like they took a nacho shower, there's cheese in his fucking hair, and I'm
- not talking an isolated drop of cheese, no sir, I'm talking "Fuck it shave the baby, there's no way we're getting this out"
- cheese-in-hair. The area on the floor around baby's highchair looks like someone murdered a Taco Bell with a power drill.
- Mom and dad don't give a fuck. "CURRR-TIS!" mom says, affectionate and exasperated. "Why'd you do that?"
- Uh, maybe it's because you gave something without the current capacity for rational thought the equivalent of a food WMD,
- lady, just guessing. So after seeing the ELE-level mess her kid had made, Momma Fats just moves the cratered nacho plate away
- (which she ended up eating, a common enough fat person justification, "Oh honey do YOU want a giant plate of food you can't
- possibly eat OH I GUESS I WILL HAVE TO FINISH THAT FOR YOU CAN'T WASTE") and handed the kid a fucking chicken nugget.
- This mess was so awesome that the server for that section literally called over multiple other servers to see it.
- - Jonathon Spectre
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