the joke thief

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INDOXXI
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Subtitles by explosiveskull

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Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,

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my name is Simon.

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My name's Simon.

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My name's Simon.

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Hey Tex, where you from,
Cincinnati?

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Hey Tex, where you from?
Cincinnati?

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How did the punk rocker
cross the street?

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He stapled a chicken
to his head.

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Hey, doc.

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I got this problem,
nobody pays attention to me.

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Next, please.

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Hey, doc. I got this problem,

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I can't make friends,
you big fat fucking slob.

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Hey!

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Grasshopper walks into a bar.

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Bartender looks
at the grasshopper and says,

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"Hey, you know we got a drink
named after you?"

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Grasshopper says,

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"You got a drink
named Herman? Ho!"

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Hey Tex, where you from,
Cincinnati?

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So I walk into this bar,
and go to the bartender and say,

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"Hey, you wanna hear
a good Polish joke?"

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He goes... "I'm Polish.

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You see that guy
with the big neck?

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He's fucking Polish.
Still wanna tell that joke?"

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I said, "No." He goes,
"Why, you're scared?"

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"No." "Then why don't you want
to tell the joke?"

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"I don't want
to explain it twice."

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Cheers.

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Salud.

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Whoa.

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I get a message.
"Sally wants to talk to you.

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Do you have time?"

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Do I have time? Come on,
I always have time for you.

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I need you to do me
a little favor,

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it's about Simon.

38
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It's a big night tonight.

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I'd love for you to give
Simon a chance.

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Just this once. It's a big deal.

41
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Sal.

42
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- Simon, the joke thief?
- I know, I know.

43
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Well, you know...

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There's people here who don't
exactly love him, you know?

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I care about the guy,
he's a good guy.

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But you're asking a lot.

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He tells a good joke.

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When he tells them,
they're funny.

49
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He's funny.

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He's a little funny worm,
isn't he?

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Yeah, and he steals
from the best.

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You want me to do
a favor for him?

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Or you want me to do
a favor for you?

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It's the same thing.
Look, I want...

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- Uh, uh, uh!
- It's the same thing.

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I mean, I want him to be able

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to prove to himself
that he can do it.

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This is national.
This is going national!

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For me, is this a favor for you?

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Yeah. It's a favor for me.

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Then it's done.
Why do you even ask?

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You know, for you,
I would do anything.

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- Put him on.
- I love you, man.

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Yeah?

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Hey, Simon. Hi, it's Seb.

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Uh... You want something to eat?

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What do you mean?

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What are you, Jenny Craig,
you wanna feed me?

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No, no!

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I got a really big
room service order

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with a really fine,
exquisite bottle of wine

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going up, you want it?

73
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Yeah, I appreciate it.
Yeah, I'll look after you.

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You don't have
to pay for anything.

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Just look in the peephole
and it'll be covered.

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Okay. Thanks.

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No problem.
Bon appetit, enjoy yourself.

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Yep.

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Fucking guy!
Jenny Craig of all people.

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- Yes?
- Come on down, I need you here.

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I'm right here.

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Put the tray down,
get down here.

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I need you right now, okay?

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Okay.

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Kiss my ass.

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Another one.

87
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Amy, honey.

88
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Is my brother in yet?

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It's a little early
for your brother.

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You know, I love him,

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but you're way too soft
on your brother.

92
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If I'm gonna be soft on someone,
it's gonna be my brother.

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He's the only brother I got.

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And I love him.

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Sí? I mean, yes?

96
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You know, on second thought,
don't bother.

97
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It's taken care of.

98
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You don't need me anymore?

99
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Okay.

100
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Nice.

101
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Where's everything?

102
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Hello?

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Simon, is that you?

104
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Yeah.

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I'm here
at The Basement Comedy Club.

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- Yeah?
- And then they...

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They're going national tonight.
They want you to do a set.

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Tonight?

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I just made myself
something nice to eat.

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- What are they paying?
- Two hundred.

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Two hundred bucks?

112
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Did I not say two hundred?

113
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- And how long is this set?
- Five minutes...

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What am I gonna wear?

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You know what you're gonna wear.

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Wear what you always wear.

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- Hey.
- Dad, you wanted me?

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Come on, sit down.

119
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Listen, I want to talk to you.

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What did I do now?

121
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You did nothing.

122
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You know
you're a great salesman.

123
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Customers love you.

124
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I get a lot of reports,
a lot of feedback.

125
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I get lots of feedback.

126
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Your brother,
he's a good administrator.

127
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But you,
you could sell anything.

128
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Proverbial refrigerator
to an Eskimo.

129
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Dad!

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Dad!

131
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I just sold my first car

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and I totally grossed
the piss out of this idiot.

133
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Yes, he did.

134
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I just got to say, you know,
everything's got a shelf life.

135
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Including me.

136
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But I've still got
a lot of kick left.

137
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But, you know,
I'm moving towards retirement.

138
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I want to spend more time
with your mother.

139
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And this business,
it belongs to both of you.

140
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And I want you boys
to take care of the business.

141
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I want you to keep selling cars,

142
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I want your brother
to be the administrator

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because he's good at that.

144
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- So he'll be my boss?
- You're good at selling cars.

145
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- He's not going to be your boss.
- Simon.

146
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I will never be your boss.

147
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But I'll always be your brother.

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Simon,

149
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we know what you want.

150
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We know you want
to be a comedian.

151
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And you're talented.
You're funny.

152
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And I don't want to stand
in your way of that.

153
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But you always have to have
a fallback plan.

154
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A contingency plan,
in case things don't work out.

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And this is it.

156
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You can always come back
and sell a car.

157
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This business
will always be yours.

158
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It'll be yours...

159
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and yours.

160
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But he will be running it.

161
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He'll run it,
and you'll sell cars.

162
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Dad, you know I love you.

163
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It's your business,
you do what you want.

164
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You built this

165
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and I don't want to talk
anymore, okay?

166
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- I gotta go.
- Simon!

167
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Bro!

168
00:08:15,731 --> 00:08:17,166
Dad, let me go talk to him.

169
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No. No, no.

170
00:08:20,435 --> 00:08:22,969
No, this is not a brother
to brother thing,

171
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this is a...
father to son thing.

172
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I'm going to talk to him.

173
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Got a minute?

174
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You taking my office now?

175
00:08:44,094 --> 00:08:46,828
Simon! Nobody is going
to take your office.

176
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Can I sit down?

177
00:08:47,965 --> 00:08:49,231
It's your place.

178
00:08:49,233 --> 00:08:51,169
You can sit
anywhere you want, dad.

179
00:08:52,335 --> 00:08:54,938
I'm going to clear something up
right away.

180
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This is our place.

181
00:08:59,977 --> 00:09:01,112
Simon...

182
00:09:01,779 --> 00:09:04,249
I know what we talked about
in there hurt your feelings.

183
00:09:04,982 --> 00:09:06,382
But listen, son.

184
00:09:06,384 --> 00:09:08,854
You guys don't have any faith
or trust in me.

185
00:09:09,821 --> 00:09:11,423
I trust you implicitly.

186
00:09:13,091 --> 00:09:14,456
But somebody
has to be the driver,

187
00:09:14,458 --> 00:09:17,161
and you've always loved
being the passenger.

188
00:09:17,861 --> 00:09:18,996
And that's what you are.

189
00:09:19,264 --> 00:09:21,196
He's going to drive
the business.

190
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You're the passenger.

191
00:09:23,568 --> 00:09:25,335
You're going to sell cars,

192
00:09:25,337 --> 00:09:29,476
and I believe you're going
to be successful in your dream.

193
00:09:30,476 --> 00:09:32,044
And that's what I want.

194
00:09:32,812 --> 00:09:33,913
But right now...

195
00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:36,915
I want to give you something.

196
00:09:37,183 --> 00:09:38,282
It's so important.

197
00:09:38,284 --> 00:09:40,019
Is that my consolation prize?

198
00:09:40,419 --> 00:09:41,386
This...

199
00:09:42,321 --> 00:09:44,090
This is a vest

200
00:09:44,823 --> 00:09:46,258
that my father gave me.

201
00:09:47,993 --> 00:09:49,396
And his father gave him.

202
00:09:50,096 --> 00:09:51,365
It's been handed down

203
00:09:52,232 --> 00:09:53,932
and I think it's a lucky vest.

204
00:09:53,934 --> 00:09:56,136
I can't wear it anymore,
you know? But...

205
00:09:57,036 --> 00:09:58,071
I want you to have it.

206
00:09:59,106 --> 00:10:01,475
It's going to be a lucky vest
for you, Simon.

207
00:10:03,376 --> 00:10:04,345
It's special.

208
00:10:04,977 --> 00:10:06,313
This is the legacy.

209
00:10:07,314 --> 00:10:09,349
And when
I'm not around anymore...

210
00:10:11,318 --> 00:10:13,889
You're going to think of me
when you wear this,

211
00:10:14,555 --> 00:10:18,160
and it's going to bring you
a lot of luck.

212
00:10:19,326 --> 00:10:22,195
It's yours, Simon. I love you.

213
00:10:26,066 --> 00:10:27,168
Love you, son.

214
00:10:31,238 --> 00:10:34,108
They're offering you
two hundred fucking dollars.

215
00:10:35,476 --> 00:10:36,478
Okay.

216
00:10:38,913 --> 00:10:40,179
I'll be there.

217
00:10:40,181 --> 00:10:42,317
Now! Like now,
like five minutes ago.

218
00:10:43,018 --> 00:10:44,184
Okay.

219
00:10:44,186 --> 00:10:45,551
Okay? Don't be late.

220
00:10:45,553 --> 00:10:48,088
Hey, no, no. Hey, listen.
Don't be late.

221
00:11:03,172 --> 00:11:05,274
What the fuck?

222
00:11:07,610 --> 00:11:08,676
Hello?

223
00:11:08,678 --> 00:11:10,377
- Simon.
- Hey, William.

224
00:11:10,379 --> 00:11:13,015
Hey, are you coming in
today, bro?

225
00:11:13,982 --> 00:11:15,518
I'm sorry.
No, I'm not coming in.

226
00:11:16,251 --> 00:11:19,252
Got a big break tonight.
I'm going to The Comedy Basement

227
00:11:19,254 --> 00:11:22,259
to do a set,
and it's going to be televised.

228
00:11:23,226 --> 00:11:25,863
Wow, congratulations!
That's good news.

229
00:11:26,297 --> 00:11:27,632
Thank you, I appreciate it.

230
00:11:28,097 --> 00:11:29,299
Can I get a car?

231
00:11:29,632 --> 00:11:31,301
Simon, you know I can't do that.

232
00:11:33,304 --> 00:11:35,202
What the fuck, man?
We own a dealership

233
00:11:35,204 --> 00:11:36,672
and you won't give me a car?

234
00:11:36,674 --> 00:11:38,974
Every time we give you
a company car, you sell it.

235
00:11:38,976 --> 00:11:40,311
I'll get you a ride. Uber.

236
00:11:40,977 --> 00:11:43,146
Come on, man.
I don't want to go in an Uber.

237
00:11:44,178 --> 00:11:45,883
They all fucking smell
like curry.

238
00:11:46,350 --> 00:11:49,154
Simon, not every Uber driver
is from India.

239
00:11:49,420 --> 00:11:53,389
There are all kinds of guys:
Irish, Italian, Chinese guys!

240
00:11:54,626 --> 00:11:56,362
Come on, please.

241
00:11:57,295 --> 00:11:58,660
Tell me when you need the car,

242
00:11:58,662 --> 00:12:00,231
and I'll get it over there.

243
00:12:00,497 --> 00:12:01,432
Twenty minutes.

244
00:12:02,032 --> 00:12:04,435
Done. Hey, I'm proud of you.

245
00:12:04,669 --> 00:12:05,670
You going to come?

246
00:12:06,070 --> 00:12:07,238
Absolutely.

247
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:09,605
Really?

248
00:12:09,607 --> 00:12:10,541
I'll be there.

249
00:12:11,444 --> 00:12:13,143
- Okay.
- I love you.

250
00:12:13,145 --> 00:12:15,148
- I'll see you tonight, bro.
- Thanks.

251
00:12:39,005 --> 00:12:40,540
Mr. Simon! Welcome!

252
00:12:41,407 --> 00:12:42,707
My brother's a fucking idiot.

253
00:12:42,709 --> 00:12:45,443
I am Jagdish
but you can call me Jerry.

254
00:12:45,445 --> 00:12:46,614
How you doing, Jerry?

255
00:12:49,249 --> 00:12:50,451
Easy.

256
00:13:00,227 --> 00:13:01,596
All buckled in, sir?

257
00:13:03,096 --> 00:13:04,499
I have to put my seatbelt on?

258
00:13:04,765 --> 00:13:06,367
That's the law, sir.

259
00:14:17,407 --> 00:14:19,310
How is your day going, sir?

260
00:14:19,609 --> 00:14:20,544
Good.

261
00:14:21,612 --> 00:14:26,418
By the way, do you like my car?
It's brand new.

262
00:14:28,185 --> 00:14:29,087
It's nice.

263
00:14:29,552 --> 00:14:31,455
I'm very proud of it.

264
00:14:32,790 --> 00:14:33,724
Nice.

265
00:14:34,391 --> 00:14:35,728
It's fast.

266
00:14:36,193 --> 00:14:37,459
Like a tiger!

267
00:14:37,461 --> 00:14:39,628
Can you do me a favor,
though? Can you slow it down?

268
00:14:39,630 --> 00:14:41,531
Because what I ate for breakfast

269
00:14:41,533 --> 00:14:43,735
is going to come out
of my nose and my ass.

270
00:14:44,369 --> 00:14:45,537
Very good, sir.

271
00:14:49,608 --> 00:14:52,375
What is it that you do, sir?
What is your profession?

272
00:14:55,913 --> 00:14:59,650
I'm a... I'm a comedian.

273
00:14:59,652 --> 00:15:04,224
You are telling
and writing jokes, then?

274
00:15:06,558 --> 00:15:08,861
I tell jokes,
I write some jokes.

275
00:15:09,361 --> 00:15:10,460
But I'm a comedian.

276
00:15:10,462 --> 00:15:12,164
So, some people sing,

277
00:15:12,365 --> 00:15:13,799
but they don't necessarily...

278
00:15:14,500 --> 00:15:15,802
write all their songs.

279
00:15:16,903 --> 00:15:19,438
I have never met
a joke teller before.

280
00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:22,142
It is an honor.

281
00:15:22,674 --> 00:15:24,578
Thank you, I appreciate it.

282
00:15:25,312 --> 00:15:28,249
Is it... a good job?

283
00:15:29,815 --> 00:15:33,784
It's... I guess you have
to be committed... to it.

284
00:15:33,786 --> 00:15:35,887
Just, I guess,
like you're committed

285
00:15:35,889 --> 00:15:37,254
to the job you do.

286
00:15:37,256 --> 00:15:38,291
I love my job.

287
00:15:38,525 --> 00:15:41,261
I love my job!

288
00:15:41,562 --> 00:15:43,394
I hope you love your job, sir.

289
00:16:00,547 --> 00:16:02,150
Huh. That's shit.

290
00:16:08,289 --> 00:16:09,358
Hey, what time is it?

291
00:16:10,324 --> 00:16:11,894
Start going on in ten minutes.

292
00:16:12,661 --> 00:16:13,630
Fuck.

293
00:16:14,964 --> 00:16:16,563
Fucking Simon.

294
00:16:16,565 --> 00:16:20,537
Please, sir. Tell me a joke.
I like to laugh.

295
00:16:20,969 --> 00:16:22,602
Okay.

296
00:16:22,604 --> 00:16:26,308
You know why blonde women
have bruised belly buttons?

297
00:16:27,743 --> 00:16:28,942
No.

298
00:16:28,944 --> 00:16:30,580
Because blonde guys
are dumb, too.

299
00:16:32,580 --> 00:16:35,683
I... I do not understand.

300
00:16:35,685 --> 00:16:37,321
Because blonde guys are dumb.

301
00:16:37,519 --> 00:16:39,353
They think the belly button
is the vagina,

302
00:16:39,355 --> 00:16:40,758
so they're tapping that.

303
00:16:42,759 --> 00:16:43,726
Excuse me.

304
00:16:44,961 --> 00:16:46,326
Hello?

305
00:16:46,328 --> 00:16:47,395
Simon. Where are you?

306
00:16:47,397 --> 00:16:49,396
I'm in an Uber, I'm on my way.

307
00:16:49,398 --> 00:16:50,768
Twenty-two minutes, sir.

308
00:16:51,868 --> 00:16:52,970
Thank you for that.

309
00:16:53,702 --> 00:16:55,737
Apparently it's 22 minutes.

310
00:16:55,739 --> 00:16:57,874
Simon, please
don't fuck this up, okay?

311
00:16:58,508 --> 00:16:59,611
I'm on my way.

312
00:17:01,379 --> 00:17:03,882
Simon? Si... Fuck.

313
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:13,390
Is that your... best joke, sir?

314
00:17:14,491 --> 00:17:16,827
It's very good. Uh, very good.

315
00:17:17,394 --> 00:17:18,626
But you didn't laugh.

316
00:17:18,628 --> 00:17:20,828
Well, I didn't understand it,

317
00:17:20,830 --> 00:17:22,864
but I am new
to this country, and...

318
00:17:22,866 --> 00:17:24,634
Can you do me a favor
and slow down?

319
00:17:24,636 --> 00:17:26,502
Because I'm going to be
fucking sitting

320
00:17:26,504 --> 00:17:27,903
on your spare tire soon, Jerry.

321
00:17:27,905 --> 00:17:30,640
I'm sorry, sir.
This is a very fast car.

322
00:17:30,642 --> 00:17:31,941
I'm just learning how to...

323
00:17:31,943 --> 00:17:33,878
So maybe
you should have bought a...

324
00:17:34,413 --> 00:17:35,481
a Hyundai.

325
00:17:35,946 --> 00:17:39,284
Hyundai is a very
good car as well, but...

326
00:17:39,717 --> 00:17:41,853
this one is fast like a tiger.

327
00:17:56,636 --> 00:17:58,802
Just relax. Hey, relax.

328
00:17:58,804 --> 00:18:00,538
Just be honest with your
brother, he's your brother.

329
00:18:00,540 --> 00:18:02,643
Will you stop it,
you're fucking lame.

330
00:18:03,076 --> 00:18:03,977
Alright.

331
00:18:04,577 --> 00:18:06,443
Alright. Ooh!

332
00:18:06,445 --> 00:18:07,712
- Hi.
- Hi. How are you?

333
00:18:07,714 --> 00:18:09,613
- Pretty good.
- Is my brother busy?

334
00:18:09,615 --> 00:18:10,647
Does it matter?

335
00:18:10,649 --> 00:18:12,483
Even if he was,
he's always got time for you.

336
00:18:12,485 --> 00:18:13,617
- Go ahead.
- Appreciate it.

337
00:18:13,619 --> 00:18:15,555
- Can I go in?
- Yeah, of course.

338
00:18:19,892 --> 00:18:21,893
Look who it is!

339
00:18:21,895 --> 00:18:23,962
- How are you doing, bro?
- Hey, bro.

340
00:18:23,964 --> 00:18:26,000
What is that? Come here, you!
I love you.

341
00:18:26,766 --> 00:18:28,700
- Good to see you, come in!
- You too.

342
00:18:28,702 --> 00:18:30,635
Sally, what's up?
Hey, champ.

343
00:18:30,637 --> 00:18:33,474
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey.
- Come on.

344
00:18:35,377 --> 00:18:36,544
So.

345
00:18:37,078 --> 00:18:38,514
What can I do for you boys?

346
00:18:38,812 --> 00:18:40,049
Well, you know...

347
00:18:40,581 --> 00:18:41,813
I'm a little slug.

348
00:18:41,815 --> 00:18:43,518
I'm a little tight, and...

349
00:18:44,119 --> 00:18:45,685
for some scratch,

350
00:18:45,687 --> 00:18:47,656
and I was hoping
you could give me an advance.

351
00:18:48,156 --> 00:18:49,591
Simon, you know the deal.

352
00:18:49,823 --> 00:18:51,390
We get paid
the same every month.

353
00:18:51,392 --> 00:18:52,591
If I blow through my money,

354
00:18:52,593 --> 00:18:53,761
I don't cut myself
another check.

355
00:18:54,094 --> 00:18:56,428
So. But you,
you can step out on the floor

356
00:18:56,430 --> 00:18:57,765
any time you want,

357
00:18:58,600 --> 00:18:59,968
and make it happen. Listen.

358
00:19:00,602 --> 00:19:01,901
Get out there and sell a car,

359
00:19:01,903 --> 00:19:03,603
I'll give you
the commission right now.

360
00:19:03,605 --> 00:19:07,509
Well, thanks for seeing us
but I don't want to sell a car.

361
00:19:08,476 --> 00:19:10,010
Do it! Make it happen.

362
00:19:10,012 --> 00:19:12,044
I'm not even dressed,
I don't even have a jacket.

363
00:19:12,046 --> 00:19:12,981
I got you.

364
00:19:16,185 --> 00:19:19,755
There we go.
Wow! That is a 30 pound jacket.

365
00:19:22,123 --> 00:19:24,761
- Don't make me go sell a car.
- Come on, come on.

366
00:19:25,429 --> 00:19:27,098
This is like breathing for you.

367
00:19:27,898 --> 00:19:29,766
You keep my jacket
behind your door?

368
00:19:30,065 --> 00:19:31,035
Yeah.

369
00:19:31,935 --> 00:19:33,070
Go get 'em, tiger!

370
00:19:36,806 --> 00:19:37,908
Watch this.

371
00:19:38,175 --> 00:19:39,474
Watch this?
What are you talking about?

372
00:19:39,476 --> 00:19:40,742
He's my best friend.

373
00:19:40,744 --> 00:19:42,944
He's going to come back here
in two seconds with a contract.

374
00:19:42,946 --> 00:19:44,548
Watch it.

375
00:19:45,782 --> 00:19:47,182
Good afternoon, how are you?

376
00:19:47,184 --> 00:19:49,150
- Good, thanks. How are you?
- My name is Simon.

377
00:19:49,152 --> 00:19:51,922
- Hi, Bernard.
- Good to meet you, Bernard.

378
00:19:53,658 --> 00:19:56,191
Call me Bernie.
I'm just looking around.

379
00:19:56,193 --> 00:19:57,592
Bernie?

380
00:19:57,594 --> 00:19:58,660
I'll just tell you
about the car,

381
00:19:58,662 --> 00:19:59,762
because that's my job.

382
00:19:59,764 --> 00:20:01,063
- Sure.
- You like the car?

383
00:20:01,065 --> 00:20:02,098
I like it, yeah.

384
00:20:02,100 --> 00:20:03,265
You know, Bernie,
I have to tell you something.

385
00:20:03,267 --> 00:20:05,700
When they say they don't make
them like they used to...

386
00:20:05,702 --> 00:20:06,901
Thank God,
because they used to be

387
00:20:06,903 --> 00:20:08,236
a pile of shit.

388
00:20:08,238 --> 00:20:10,940
This is a car.
The highest level of technology,

389
00:20:10,942 --> 00:20:13,243
the software synchs up
with your phone,

390
00:20:13,245 --> 00:20:14,914
whether it's Apple or Android.

391
00:20:15,146 --> 00:20:17,546
All wheel drive, 2000 CCs,

392
00:20:17,548 --> 00:20:19,783
it's an equal boost engine,
it's great on gas.

393
00:20:19,785 --> 00:20:21,116
This is a quick car.

394
00:20:21,118 --> 00:20:22,818
- Yeah. It's nice.
- And look at the back seat.

395
00:20:22,820 --> 00:20:24,688
If you want to bang a chick
in the back seat,

396
00:20:24,690 --> 00:20:26,122
you ain't going to break
a vertebrae.

397
00:20:26,124 --> 00:20:29,926
I'm married,
but thanks for the info.

398
00:20:29,928 --> 00:20:32,064
Take the wife in the back seat.

399
00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:33,964
- Do you love the car?
- I do, yeah.

400
00:20:33,966 --> 00:20:35,700
Can I make a suggestion, Bernie?

401
00:20:35,702 --> 00:20:37,901
- Sure.
- Let's go in my office and talk.

402
00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:40,039
- What do you think?
- Okay, Simon.

403
00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:43,009
Thanks.

404
00:20:47,946 --> 00:20:49,713
- Bernie, come in please.
- Yeah.

405
00:20:49,715 --> 00:20:51,050
- Sit down, buddy.
- Thanks.

406
00:20:54,621 --> 00:20:55,722
Bernie.

407
00:20:57,656 --> 00:20:58,990
I was born into this business.

408
00:20:58,992 --> 00:21:00,858
It's my dad
that started this business,

409
00:21:00,860 --> 00:21:02,129
he started as a salesman.

410
00:21:02,829 --> 00:21:04,598
I'm talking to you
like a brother.

411
00:21:04,798 --> 00:21:06,131
The car... Do you love that car?

412
00:21:06,133 --> 00:21:07,932
I love that car.
It's a lovely car.

413
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:09,268
...fits your perfectly.

414
00:21:09,270 --> 00:21:11,135
- A car's got to fit you, buddy.
- Yep.

415
00:21:11,137 --> 00:21:13,805
It's got a 2000 CC
equal boost engine,

416
00:21:13,807 --> 00:21:15,140
it's good on gas.

417
00:21:15,142 --> 00:21:16,240
It's not a dog.

418
00:21:16,242 --> 00:21:18,812
Because most of these cars
that are fuel-efficient

419
00:21:19,078 --> 00:21:21,012
you have to get out
and fucking push.

420
00:21:21,014 --> 00:21:23,615
But... here's the problem.

421
00:21:23,617 --> 00:21:24,752
If you don't take this car,

422
00:21:25,886 --> 00:21:28,587
and they sell it, it's six,
eight, maybe ten weeks.

423
00:21:28,589 --> 00:21:31,156
Almost a whole model year.
And I won't go back and forth.

424
00:21:31,158 --> 00:21:33,159
I'm going to give you
the best deal possible,

425
00:21:33,161 --> 00:21:34,560
first time.

426
00:21:34,562 --> 00:21:36,296
Make the deal,
and then you can pick it up.

427
00:21:36,298 --> 00:21:37,997
I can have it PDI'd

428
00:21:37,999 --> 00:21:40,769
and out of the showroom
by tomorrow.

429
00:21:43,704 --> 00:21:45,137
No, not at all.

430
00:21:45,139 --> 00:21:48,077
No, I'm going to have to check
with my wife, you know?

431
00:21:50,679 --> 00:21:51,745
I respect that.

432
00:21:51,747 --> 00:21:53,981
Second largest investment
of your life is your car.

433
00:21:53,983 --> 00:21:55,816
- Yeah, right.
- I'm on your side, Bernie.

434
00:21:55,818 --> 00:21:58,618
And you'll probably try
to bang her in the back seat,

435
00:21:58,620 --> 00:22:00,119
like you said.

436
00:22:00,121 --> 00:22:01,588
There's lots of room.
Nothing like romance.

437
00:22:01,590 --> 00:22:02,889
This is what I'm going to do.

438
00:22:02,891 --> 00:22:04,357
I want to hold the car for you.

439
00:22:04,359 --> 00:22:06,760
So, there's a little box here
where it says remarks,

440
00:22:06,762 --> 00:22:08,865
I'm going to put "Must...

441
00:22:09,999 --> 00:22:10,932
ask...

442
00:22:10,934 --> 00:22:12,936
wife's...

443
00:22:13,669 --> 00:22:14,772
permission...

444
00:22:16,005 --> 00:22:17,140
to buy...

445
00:22:17,773 --> 00:22:18,906
the car."

446
00:22:18,908 --> 00:22:21,778
If she gives you the go-ahead,
then we take this off.

447
00:22:22,012 --> 00:22:23,677
Give me the fucking paperwork.

448
00:22:23,679 --> 00:22:25,614
Nobody tells me
whether I can buy a car or not.

449
00:22:25,616 --> 00:22:27,081
You're a good boy, Bernie.

450
00:22:36,793 --> 00:22:37,929
Thank you!

451
00:22:38,696 --> 00:22:39,932
Thank you, thank you!

452
00:22:41,632 --> 00:22:42,734
Thank you.

453
00:22:43,801 --> 00:22:44,937
Thank you!

454
00:22:45,703 --> 00:22:47,235
Welcome to The Comedy Basement.

455
00:22:47,237 --> 00:22:49,739
And remember, when you're here,
in The Comedy Basement,

456
00:22:49,741 --> 00:22:51,974
there is only one place
left to go,

457
00:22:51,976 --> 00:22:53,309
and that is up!

458
00:22:56,046 --> 00:22:57,848
My name is Freddy C.

459
00:22:58,082 --> 00:23:01,184
I am your host and the owner
of this beautiful establishment.

460
00:23:01,186 --> 00:23:03,256
My first guest

461
00:23:04,023 --> 00:23:06,389
is an up-and-comer,
he's known all around the area,

462
00:23:06,391 --> 00:23:08,824
we're very honored to have,
ladies and gentlemen,

463
00:23:08,826 --> 00:23:10,394
he's no longer driving
for NASCAR,

464
00:23:10,396 --> 00:23:11,427
Mr. Jeff Elliott!

465
00:23:23,142 --> 00:23:25,612
Hey, guys. How's it going?

466
00:23:26,145 --> 00:23:28,615
Alright. I'm really starting
to feel my age.

467
00:23:29,015 --> 00:23:30,651
I hurt myself sleeping.

468
00:23:33,152 --> 00:23:34,985
Did you know that was a thing
you could do?

469
00:23:34,987 --> 00:23:36,090
I was taking a nap.

470
00:23:36,422 --> 00:23:38,891
I woke up,
my shoulder was really sore.

471
00:23:39,459 --> 00:23:40,893
Doesn't go away for two weeks.

472
00:23:41,428 --> 00:23:43,127
So I go to the doctor,
they take some X-rays.

473
00:23:43,129 --> 00:23:45,196
Ah... turns out I tore
my rotator cuff...

474
00:23:45,198 --> 00:23:46,397
Aw.

475
00:23:46,399 --> 00:23:48,300
...while I was taking a nap!

476
00:23:50,871 --> 00:23:52,304
If you guys are familiar
with this injury,

477
00:23:52,306 --> 00:23:54,308
it's usually reserved
for professional athletes.

478
00:23:55,075 --> 00:23:56,909
Most specifically,
baseball pitchers

479
00:23:56,911 --> 00:23:58,647
tear their rotator cuffs a lot.

480
00:23:58,879 --> 00:24:00,281
I knew I was good at sleeping.

481
00:24:02,383 --> 00:24:04,652
Apparently I'm ready
for the big leagues!

482
00:24:05,318 --> 00:24:07,186
I'll say this too,
these baseball pitchers

483
00:24:07,188 --> 00:24:08,419
tear their rotator cuffs,
they're done.

484
00:24:08,421 --> 00:24:10,893
For a year,
they don't play baseball.

485
00:24:11,393 --> 00:24:13,860
I was back in bed
sleeping that night.

486
00:24:21,036 --> 00:24:24,036
My next guest
is the most famous sock

487
00:24:24,038 --> 00:24:25,471
in the entire world!

488
00:24:25,473 --> 00:24:27,439
Unlike his brother
who never quite made it.

489
00:24:27,441 --> 00:24:30,008
He's the sock that's still
left out on the highway.

490
00:24:30,010 --> 00:24:31,244
Ah...

491
00:24:31,246 --> 00:24:32,946
Ladies and gentlemen,
Ed the Sock!

492
00:24:39,055 --> 00:24:40,824
Alright, shut up already!

493
00:24:41,190 --> 00:24:42,922
I don't believe your sincerity.

494
00:24:42,924 --> 00:24:44,391
Thank you very much
for that introduction.

495
00:24:44,393 --> 00:24:47,995
I love the goatee, by the way.
Very Wesley Snipes.

496
00:24:49,397 --> 00:24:52,133
And thank you
for the reference to my brother

497
00:24:52,135 --> 00:24:53,470
who's out on the highway.

498
00:24:54,737 --> 00:24:57,138
I haven't heard that one before.
Though, of course, it's better

499
00:24:57,140 --> 00:25:01,012
than the "brother that you
jerked off into as a teenager."

500
00:25:03,347 --> 00:25:05,079
Guys! I'm a sock!

501
00:25:05,081 --> 00:25:07,315
That's my ethnicity.
I'm not defined by it.

502
00:25:07,317 --> 00:25:09,017
Let's get past
those jokes, okay?

503
00:25:11,387 --> 00:25:12,456
Our next act...

504
00:25:12,889 --> 00:25:14,489
We love seeing this man
when he comes

505
00:25:14,491 --> 00:25:16,057
and garners our stage,

506
00:25:16,059 --> 00:25:19,059
That Canadian guy...
Glen Foster!

507
00:25:21,097 --> 00:25:23,234
Alright, come on, come on...

508
00:25:27,437 --> 00:25:30,975
Here we go. Oh, thank you
very much. That's very nice.

509
00:25:31,542 --> 00:25:33,475
I hope I look alright. I, uh...

510
00:25:33,477 --> 00:25:36,412
I've reached the age
where no matter what I wear,

511
00:25:36,414 --> 00:25:39,248
I just come off
looking like a retired cop.

512
00:25:39,250 --> 00:25:41,053
So...

513
00:25:41,351 --> 00:25:44,252
Anyway, I do not need
any more stress in my life.

514
00:25:44,254 --> 00:25:47,124
I live
with my pre-teen daughter,

515
00:25:47,126 --> 00:25:49,859
- Oh!
- my pre-menopausal wife,

516
00:25:51,397 --> 00:25:56,266
and... a previously abused
female Australian Shepherd.

517
00:25:56,268 --> 00:25:58,268
Oh, yeah!

518
00:25:58,270 --> 00:26:00,236
There are days
I walk through the door,

519
00:26:00,238 --> 00:26:02,873
it is bitch, bitch, bitch.

520
00:26:05,845 --> 00:26:09,011
But the dog is cute, so...

521
00:26:11,150 --> 00:26:12,216
I'll give you
another joke.

522
00:26:12,218 --> 00:26:16,053
So this guy is in his room.
He's in a hospital.

523
00:26:16,055 --> 00:26:16,989
And...

524
00:26:16,991 --> 00:26:19,022
the doctor comes in the room,
and he says,

525
00:26:19,024 --> 00:26:21,592
"Mr. Smith,
I got some good news,

526
00:26:21,594 --> 00:26:23,127
and some bad news."

527
00:26:23,129 --> 00:26:26,196
So he says,
"Give me the bad news first

528
00:26:26,198 --> 00:26:29,202
and then you can pacify me
with the good news."

529
00:26:29,535 --> 00:26:30,902
Goes, "Well, the bad news is

530
00:26:30,904 --> 00:26:32,169
you got gangrene
on both your feet,

531
00:26:32,171 --> 00:26:33,437
we're going to have
to cut them off."

532
00:26:33,439 --> 00:26:34,575
"So what the fuck's
the good news?"

533
00:26:35,309 --> 00:26:38,180
"The guy in the other room
wants to buy all your shoes."

534
00:26:39,246 --> 00:26:42,082
Because they wear the same...
they wear the same size.

535
00:26:42,984 --> 00:26:44,151
And, and then?

536
00:26:45,553 --> 00:26:47,285
Oh, that is it?

537
00:26:47,287 --> 00:26:49,388
I got to check my messages
because you're depressing me.

538
00:26:49,390 --> 00:26:50,492
Okay? Anyways.

539
00:26:51,592 --> 00:26:53,591
They're very good jokes, sir.
Very good. But, I...

540
00:26:53,593 --> 00:26:56,328
- Apparently not.
- I've never heard them before.

541
00:26:56,330 --> 00:26:59,565
I would love to study your jokes
so I understand them.

542
00:26:59,567 --> 00:27:02,070
If you have to study a joke,
it's not funny.

543
00:27:04,506 --> 00:27:06,939
Now our next act
is known all around the world

544
00:27:06,941 --> 00:27:08,207
as your neighborhood kid.

545
00:27:08,209 --> 00:27:10,075
Ladies and gentlemen,
please give it up

546
00:27:10,077 --> 00:27:11,244
for Jerry Caringi!

547
00:27:12,948 --> 00:27:16,216
Yeah! What's going on
here? What's going on?

548
00:27:16,218 --> 00:27:18,254
Hey! Pasta fazool, how are you?

549
00:27:18,687 --> 00:27:20,957
Hey, how are you?
Good to see you.

550
00:27:21,390 --> 00:27:25,062
Hey! Faccia di polenta!
How are you?

551
00:27:25,561 --> 00:27:26,964
How are you, man?

552
00:27:29,164 --> 00:27:30,499
How are you doing, huh?

553
00:27:34,938 --> 00:27:36,907
What a crowd, what a crowd!

554
00:27:37,507 --> 00:27:40,006
- You feeling good?
- Yeah!

555
00:27:40,008 --> 00:27:41,309
Ay!

556
00:27:41,311 --> 00:27:43,013
Faccia di polenta, how are you?

557
00:27:43,211 --> 00:27:46,148
Anyways, um... The Godfather.

558
00:27:47,116 --> 00:27:48,683
It's getting serious.
He's in his office.

559
00:27:48,685 --> 00:27:50,020
Something is going on.

560
00:27:50,386 --> 00:27:52,990
So he calls in Rocco.
"Rocco, get in here!

561
00:27:53,723 --> 00:27:55,259
I gotta ask you a question."

562
00:27:56,125 --> 00:27:57,427
"Yes, Godfather. Anything."

563
00:27:58,295 --> 00:27:59,663
"What's five plus five?"

564
00:28:00,396 --> 00:28:03,265
Rocco answers, "Seven."

565
00:28:04,300 --> 00:28:05,936
Godfather slaps him in the face.

566
00:28:06,537 --> 00:28:09,204
"You're a good boy.
You're very smart.

567
00:28:09,206 --> 00:28:11,641
Thank you. Go get Anthony.
Send him in here.

568
00:28:11,643 --> 00:28:12,510
Stay outside."

569
00:28:13,644 --> 00:28:16,214
Anthony comes waltzing in,
kind of worried.

570
00:28:18,316 --> 00:28:20,552
Godfather asks Anthony,
"Anthony...

571
00:28:21,318 --> 00:28:24,289
I'm going to ask you a question.
Give me a straight answer.

572
00:28:24,588 --> 00:28:25,721
Are you ready?"

573
00:28:25,723 --> 00:28:27,122
Anthony goes, "Yeah."

574
00:28:27,124 --> 00:28:28,324
"What's five plus six?"

575
00:28:28,326 --> 00:28:30,395
"Ah, that's easy. It's eleven."

576
00:28:31,596 --> 00:28:33,563
Pulls out his gun, bang!

577
00:28:34,500 --> 00:28:36,169
Falls to the floor! Ba da dum!

578
00:28:36,602 --> 00:28:39,502
Rocco comes running in,
"Godfather! What's going on?

579
00:28:39,504 --> 00:28:40,572
What did you do?"

580
00:28:42,607 --> 00:28:43,640
"He knows too much."

581
00:28:43,642 --> 00:28:45,342
Oh!

582
00:28:45,344 --> 00:28:48,112
This woman has been known
all around the world

583
00:28:48,114 --> 00:28:50,279
for her role on Growing Pains.

584
00:28:50,281 --> 00:28:52,348
She also garnered the cover,

585
00:28:52,350 --> 00:28:57,121
and throughout America
is known as a stunning Playmate

586
00:28:57,123 --> 00:28:58,455
in Playboy magazine.

587
00:28:58,457 --> 00:29:00,791
Ladies and gentlemen,
please give it up for...

588
00:29:00,793 --> 00:29:02,292
Julie McCollough!

589
00:29:12,305 --> 00:29:13,637
How y'all doing?

590
00:29:16,342 --> 00:29:18,609
Thank you so very, very much
for having me here.

591
00:29:18,611 --> 00:29:21,413
I've lived all over
the United States, y'all.

592
00:29:21,415 --> 00:29:24,183
I've lived in North Carolina,
West by God Virginia,

593
00:29:24,185 --> 00:29:28,220
Florida, Louisiana,
Missouri, Nevada,

594
00:29:28,222 --> 00:29:30,492
Texas... Woo hoo for Texas!

595
00:29:31,358 --> 00:29:35,196
California, and I was born
in Hawaii. Woo hoo!

596
00:29:36,364 --> 00:29:38,263
Y'all could tell
I was Hawaiian, right?

597
00:29:38,265 --> 00:29:42,068
Blonde hair, Southern accent...
Dead giveaway, she's Hawaiian!

598
00:29:47,309 --> 00:29:49,809
- brothers.
- Whoo!

599
00:29:52,080 --> 00:29:54,246
Ooh!

600
00:29:54,248 --> 00:29:55,848
That means absolutely nothing.

601
00:29:57,386 --> 00:29:59,155
Now, our next guest...

602
00:29:59,588 --> 00:30:03,426
He can tell jokes, he's funny,
he can sing, but please...

603
00:30:03,692 --> 00:30:06,760
do not get him to dance
up here right now.

604
00:30:08,296 --> 00:30:09,631
Ladies and gentlemen,
Constantine Meglis!

605
00:30:20,142 --> 00:30:21,809
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

606
00:30:21,811 --> 00:30:23,080
How are you?

607
00:30:23,279 --> 00:30:25,416
I happen to be six foot nine.

608
00:30:25,614 --> 00:30:26,614
Ooh!

609
00:30:26,616 --> 00:30:30,150
That's not... tall,
that's like monster tall.

610
00:30:31,187 --> 00:30:32,456
Okay?

611
00:30:33,156 --> 00:30:34,759
Even when I was a little kid.

612
00:30:35,292 --> 00:30:36,828
My kindergarten picture...

613
00:30:38,228 --> 00:30:40,765
I'm five years old,
just like the rest of the kids.

614
00:30:41,232 --> 00:30:42,801
I look like I'm the teacher.

615
00:30:47,403 --> 00:30:49,471
Sir, you are too hard
on your jokes.

616
00:30:49,473 --> 00:30:52,241
I'm sure people who understand
them will find them funny.

617
00:30:52,243 --> 00:30:53,678
I just don't understand them.

618
00:30:54,544 --> 00:30:55,447
Okay.

619
00:30:56,313 --> 00:30:58,717
Are you going to give
a show tonight?

620
00:31:01,753 --> 00:31:02,855
Well, I'm...

621
00:31:03,354 --> 00:31:05,588
I'm part of a show,
because it's a...

622
00:31:05,590 --> 00:31:09,324
it's a bunch of comedians,
it's like a cavalcade,

623
00:31:09,326 --> 00:31:11,463
and it's being televised
on cable.

624
00:31:11,862 --> 00:31:15,331
Oh, my God!
That sounds very impressive.

625
00:31:15,333 --> 00:31:17,202
I wish I could attend.

626
00:31:17,401 --> 00:31:20,472
But I must drive my car.

627
00:31:20,872 --> 00:31:23,610
Are you... excited, sir?

628
00:31:25,377 --> 00:31:26,579
I wouldn't say...

629
00:31:27,446 --> 00:31:28,613
I'm excited, but...

630
00:31:30,650 --> 00:31:35,255
I'm probably, I would say,
relieved, because if I do good,

631
00:31:35,488 --> 00:31:38,658
this is basically
the break I'm looking for.

632
00:31:38,924 --> 00:31:40,392
If I do bad,

633
00:31:40,625 --> 00:31:42,895
I'll be selling cars
for the rest of my life.

634
00:31:43,629 --> 00:31:47,468
Oh, my God. So it's
a very important event, then.

635
00:31:48,367 --> 00:31:50,337
Yeah, you could say that. Yeah.

636
00:31:50,804 --> 00:31:55,176
I'm wishing you
most excellent good luck, sir.

637
00:31:55,675 --> 00:31:57,241
Most excellent
good luck?

638
00:31:57,243 --> 00:31:58,478
Most excellent
good luck.

639
00:31:58,945 --> 00:32:03,517
Well I most excellently
appreciate your wishes.

640
00:32:03,849 --> 00:32:07,251
And I hope they're true for me
and for my sake.

641
00:32:07,253 --> 00:32:10,791
And congratulations on your car,
which is a tiger...

642
00:32:11,326 --> 00:32:12,594
uh, in heat.

643
00:32:12,827 --> 00:32:15,928
That joke I understand, sir.

644
00:32:17,664 --> 00:32:19,401
"Tiger in heat" you found funny?

645
00:32:19,901 --> 00:32:21,933
Well a tiger in heat
would be very funny.

646
00:32:21,935 --> 00:32:26,305
Uh, dangerous, but I see
how you make it funny.

647
00:32:26,307 --> 00:32:28,410
You... you are good comedian.

648
00:32:29,978 --> 00:32:31,279
Okay.

649
00:32:35,651 --> 00:32:38,821
Any ladies here
considering breast implants?

650
00:32:39,288 --> 00:32:40,554
- No!
- Yes!

651
00:32:40,556 --> 00:32:42,422
Any guys here considering
their ladies

652
00:32:42,424 --> 00:32:43,824
should have breast implants?

653
00:32:45,327 --> 00:32:46,593
Hey, here's the thing, ladies.

654
00:32:46,595 --> 00:32:47,861
If you're with a guy
who wants you

655
00:32:47,863 --> 00:32:50,700
to get a breast implant,
get rid of him!

656
00:32:51,834 --> 00:32:54,804
The best breast enlargement
is sit closer!

657
00:32:59,376 --> 00:33:02,676
Honestly, a breast enlargement
that a guy wants you to have,

658
00:33:02,678 --> 00:33:05,046
it's only because he can't get
his penis made bigger.

659
00:33:05,048 --> 00:33:06,817
Oh!

660
00:33:09,519 --> 00:33:11,019
I am trying to take
care of myself,

661
00:33:11,021 --> 00:33:12,720
'cause I'm a single guy.

662
00:33:12,722 --> 00:33:14,489
Trying to figure out what women
find attractive in a man.

663
00:33:14,491 --> 00:33:16,457
I think I have some things.
I don't know if you've noticed,

664
00:33:16,459 --> 00:33:17,695
but my hands...

665
00:33:18,528 --> 00:33:19,827
are pretty much gorgeous.

666
00:33:19,829 --> 00:33:22,697
I take good care of them.

667
00:33:22,699 --> 00:33:23,932
I've been told women look
at your hands

668
00:33:23,934 --> 00:33:25,501
when they first meet you.

669
00:33:25,503 --> 00:33:27,405
They also look at your eyes,
I've been told.

670
00:33:27,605 --> 00:33:28,904
I've got some sweet baby blues

671
00:33:28,906 --> 00:33:30,606
happening behind
these safety goggles.

672
00:33:32,510 --> 00:33:34,076
And I've heard feet before,
which I didn't understand.

673
00:33:34,078 --> 00:33:34,710
That sounds gross.

674
00:33:34,712 --> 00:33:36,645
Who looks at a man's feet?

675
00:33:36,647 --> 00:33:39,347
It's a size thing, right?
They think you got big shoes,

676
00:33:39,349 --> 00:33:40,848
you got the...

677
00:33:42,019 --> 00:33:43,521
...big underpants, right?

678
00:33:44,522 --> 00:33:45,589
Mine are a size 11.

679
00:33:46,658 --> 00:33:48,457
That is slightly above average.

680
00:33:50,494 --> 00:33:51,961
They're 11 wide, actually.

681
00:33:51,963 --> 00:33:53,766
Whoa!

682
00:33:55,033 --> 00:33:57,767
Can barely get my gorgeous hands
around the thing.

683
00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:05,040
So, do you have...
all your friends and family

684
00:34:05,042 --> 00:34:07,780
coming to see
your performance tonight?

685
00:34:08,613 --> 00:34:09,678
Sure you going the right way?

686
00:34:09,680 --> 00:34:11,752
It's faster, sir. Much faster.

687
00:34:12,518 --> 00:34:14,521
- You sure?
- Very sure.

688
00:34:15,520 --> 00:34:17,121
I don't know
if my family's coming.

689
00:34:17,123 --> 00:34:18,688
I mean...

690
00:34:18,690 --> 00:34:21,791
My father and my mother
are no longer here,

691
00:34:21,793 --> 00:34:23,060
- unfortunately.
- I'm very sorry, sir.

692
00:34:23,062 --> 00:34:25,929
And I have a brother,
and he's married.

693
00:34:25,931 --> 00:34:28,067
And... that's us.

694
00:34:28,701 --> 00:34:30,469
So hopefully he'll...

695
00:34:31,536 --> 00:34:32,936
My brother will come tonight.

696
00:34:54,695 --> 00:34:57,562
Come on, mom's waiting.
Let's go say goodbye.

697
00:34:57,564 --> 00:35:00,002
I can't go. I... I can't do it.

698
00:35:03,004 --> 00:35:03,939
Simon.

699
00:35:04,873 --> 00:35:07,139
Let's go upstairs
and say goodbye to mom.

700
00:35:07,141 --> 00:35:08,643
I don't want to say bye.

701
00:35:10,011 --> 00:35:10,978
You've got to do it.

702
00:35:12,547 --> 00:35:13,582
Hey.

703
00:35:14,448 --> 00:35:15,917
You weren't there when dad died.

704
00:35:16,151 --> 00:35:17,585
He was waiting for you.

705
00:35:17,785 --> 00:35:19,120
Don't make the same mistake.

706
00:35:19,620 --> 00:35:20,888
Why would you say that?

707
00:35:21,589 --> 00:35:23,059
He wanted to say goodbye to you.

708
00:35:23,858 --> 00:35:25,427
I know you regretted that.

709
00:35:26,061 --> 00:35:28,664
Let's go, don't make
the same mistake. Come on!

710
00:35:29,498 --> 00:35:30,697
That's it, there. Let's go.

711
00:35:59,662 --> 00:36:01,765
Can you give us
a moment, please?

712
00:36:11,175 --> 00:36:14,112
Simon? There's a line
up at the gates of heaven.

713
00:36:14,712 --> 00:36:16,947
Why are you keeping me
waiting, my son?

714
00:36:18,882 --> 00:36:22,654
You've tried all your life
to make people laugh.

715
00:36:23,721 --> 00:36:26,123
And you always
make yourself cry.

716
00:36:26,858 --> 00:36:29,060
Why are you so sad, my son?

717
00:36:39,805 --> 00:36:42,538
And what about your wife, sir?

718
00:36:42,540 --> 00:36:44,109
Are you married?

719
00:36:44,709 --> 00:36:46,812
- I'm not married, no.
- Ah.

720
00:36:47,812 --> 00:36:49,881
Have you ever been married?

721
00:36:50,249 --> 00:36:52,015
Jerry, It's tough enough

722
00:36:52,017 --> 00:36:54,017
to get along with yourself,
let alone with somebody else.

723
00:36:54,019 --> 00:36:54,953
No, I've...

724
00:36:55,687 --> 00:36:56,923
never been married.

725
00:36:58,625 --> 00:36:59,760
That is sad.

726
00:37:00,560 --> 00:37:02,029
A man needs to be married.

727
00:37:02,695 --> 00:37:03,897
Why, to be miserable?

728
00:37:05,063 --> 00:37:09,569
Hm... you have not found
the right woman yet, I suppose.

729
00:37:09,869 --> 00:37:11,101
Do they call you Jerry

730
00:37:11,103 --> 00:37:12,769
'cause you're like
Jerry Springer?

731
00:37:12,771 --> 00:37:14,641
Who is that?

732
00:37:14,873 --> 00:37:16,641
It's not important.

733
00:37:16,643 --> 00:37:18,775
You know what? Everybody finds
their own happiness, Jerry.

734
00:37:18,777 --> 00:37:21,814
I'm happy in my... in my...

735
00:37:23,182 --> 00:37:26,920
survival of life.
I'm okay. I'm good.

736
00:37:28,155 --> 00:37:29,591
Yes, I understand.

737
00:37:30,090 --> 00:37:32,593
I was very happy
with my Sharmila.

738
00:37:34,093 --> 00:37:36,063
She's not with us
anymore, but...

739
00:37:36,829 --> 00:37:38,632
I still talk to her every day.

740
00:37:41,869 --> 00:37:43,671
I have got to take this,
Jerry, okay?

741
00:37:44,004 --> 00:37:45,139
Of course, sir.

742
00:37:45,940 --> 00:37:47,007
Hello?

743
00:37:47,009 --> 00:37:49,074
Si... Wha... What the fuck
are you doing, Simon?

744
00:37:49,076 --> 00:37:51,746
You know what? I don't know
if I want to do this. I...

745
00:37:52,047 --> 00:37:54,148
I don't want
to embarrass myself. I...

746
00:37:55,116 --> 00:37:57,349
This is a... I guess
this is a big leap for me,

747
00:37:57,351 --> 00:37:58,351
and I don't think I...

748
00:37:58,353 --> 00:38:00,186
I don't think I want to do it.

749
00:38:00,188 --> 00:38:01,587
What are you
fucking talking about?

750
00:38:01,589 --> 00:38:04,223
I put my fucking balls
on the line for you.

751
00:38:04,225 --> 00:38:05,824
But you told me they wanted me,

752
00:38:05,826 --> 00:38:09,128
why are you telling me
that it's your ass?

753
00:38:09,130 --> 00:38:09,695
I don't understand.

754
00:38:09,697 --> 00:38:10,830
Of course they want you!

755
00:38:10,832 --> 00:38:13,367
But I still had to put
my fucking balls on the line.

756
00:38:13,369 --> 00:38:14,501
You know, credibility!

757
00:38:14,503 --> 00:38:16,303
I'm the guy
who fucking recommended you.

758
00:38:16,305 --> 00:38:17,870
What's the matter with you?
They want you!

759
00:38:17,872 --> 00:38:18,972
Stop screaming
in my fucking ear.

760
00:38:18,974 --> 00:38:20,307
Don't fucking do this to me.

761
00:38:20,309 --> 00:38:21,941
Don't fucking do this
to yourself.

762
00:38:21,943 --> 00:38:23,309
Get over here.
What the fuck are you doing?

763
00:38:23,311 --> 00:38:25,314
Okay.

764
00:38:26,148 --> 00:38:28,716
Sometimes I feel
like I'm married to you, Sally.

765
00:38:28,718 --> 00:38:31,087
Okay. I'll do it.
We're on our way.

766
00:38:31,387 --> 00:38:33,189
Fuck!

767
00:38:58,115 --> 00:39:00,950
- Hey, Simon!
- Hey. Did you bring some money?

768
00:39:00,952 --> 00:39:02,354
- Of course I did.
- Good.

769
00:39:02,854 --> 00:39:04,720
So tonight
you know what I'm thinking?

770
00:39:04,722 --> 00:39:06,691
I want you to play
the deaf-mute.

771
00:39:07,758 --> 00:39:09,425
I don't want to play
the deaf-mute.

772
00:39:09,427 --> 00:39:10,959
You fucked it up already

773
00:39:10,961 --> 00:39:12,764
at playing the deaf-mute.

774
00:39:42,294 --> 00:39:43,759
Hey, Garry.

775
00:39:43,761 --> 00:39:45,127
Hey, Simon, what's going on?

776
00:39:45,129 --> 00:39:47,231
Give me a scotch
with a couple of cubes, please.

777
00:39:47,233 --> 00:39:48,268
Sure.

778
00:39:49,402 --> 00:39:52,271
What do you... want to... drink?

779
00:39:56,409 --> 00:39:57,744
You sure?

780
00:39:58,811 --> 00:40:00,748
- Beer, for my buddy.
- Sure.

781
00:40:11,325 --> 00:40:12,292
Good?

782
00:40:14,428 --> 00:40:15,763
How you doing?

783
00:40:17,430 --> 00:40:19,867
I, ah...
I speak sign language.

784
00:40:20,334 --> 00:40:23,000
That isn't anything
that I recognize.

785
00:40:23,002 --> 00:40:24,171
You know why?

786
00:40:24,504 --> 00:40:26,307
'Cause we're speaking dialect.

787
00:40:27,908 --> 00:40:30,011
Oh.

788
00:40:30,410 --> 00:40:31,378
Ok.

789
00:40:40,121 --> 00:40:42,088
This is my favorite restaurant
in the whole world.

790
00:40:42,090 --> 00:40:45,461
I love this place.
The food is absolutely amazing.

791
00:40:45,994 --> 00:40:47,360
Well, you know why I come here?

792
00:40:47,362 --> 00:40:49,898
The waiter.
He's like a father to me. Jack!

793
00:40:50,931 --> 00:40:52,067
Buddy, we're ready.

794
00:40:54,969 --> 00:40:56,705
Your favorite wine, Simon?

795
00:40:56,904 --> 00:40:57,840
Absolutely.

796
00:40:58,207 --> 00:41:00,173
It's my favorite
restaurant, I...

797
00:41:00,175 --> 00:41:01,941
I come here all the time
and I love the waiter.

798
00:41:01,943 --> 00:41:04,511
He's like a... father to me.

799
00:41:04,513 --> 00:41:06,147
Jack?

800
00:41:06,149 --> 00:41:08,015
This is my favorite restaurant
in the whole world.

801
00:41:08,017 --> 00:41:09,319
I love this place.

802
00:41:09,986 --> 00:41:11,922
And... the waiter

803
00:41:12,789 --> 00:41:14,925
is like a dad to me. Jack!

804
00:41:15,358 --> 00:41:16,892
We're ready, buddy.

805
00:41:17,859 --> 00:41:19,162
Your favorite wine, Simon?

806
00:41:23,534 --> 00:41:25,470
- Miss?
- Please.

807
00:41:26,002 --> 00:41:27,002
Thank you.

808
00:41:28,806 --> 00:41:30,806
- Ma'am?
- Please.

809
00:41:32,342 --> 00:41:33,474
Pinello!

810
00:41:33,476 --> 00:41:35,210
You spoil me, Simon.

811
00:41:35,212 --> 00:41:37,148
- Miss?
- Yes, please.

812
00:41:41,851 --> 00:41:43,254
Do you mind if I order for us?

813
00:41:43,821 --> 00:41:45,320
Ah... nope. Thank you.

814
00:41:45,322 --> 00:41:47,356
We're not going to need
the menus. I know exactly...

815
00:41:47,358 --> 00:41:49,959
- Do you mind if I order for us?
- Not at all.

816
00:41:49,961 --> 00:41:51,796
- Do you mind if I order?
- No.

817
00:41:52,229 --> 00:41:54,296
We're going to have
the filet mignon,

818
00:41:54,298 --> 00:41:55,399
the lobster tail,

819
00:41:56,099 --> 00:41:58,002
and I want them
to make the angel hair...

820
00:41:58,369 --> 00:42:01,003
like they do for me,
alla puttanesca.

821
00:42:01,005 --> 00:42:02,370
Please? Thank you.

822
00:42:02,372 --> 00:42:04,976
So we're going to have
the filet mignon,

823
00:42:05,242 --> 00:42:06,943
with the lobster.

824
00:42:06,945 --> 00:42:09,314
We'll have the angel hair pasta
alla puttanesca.

825
00:42:09,915 --> 00:42:11,384
Ok? Thank you.

826
00:42:11,884 --> 00:42:13,984
We're going to have
the filet mignon,

827
00:42:13,986 --> 00:42:15,319
the lobster tail,

828
00:42:15,321 --> 00:42:18,589
and can you make that angel hair
alla puttanesca, please?

829
00:42:18,591 --> 00:42:20,125
- Of course.
- Thank you.

830
00:42:21,861 --> 00:42:23,263
- Cheers.
- Cheers.

831
00:42:26,531 --> 00:42:27,897
- Cheers.
- Cheers.

832
00:42:27,899 --> 00:42:29,199
Thanks for coming out tonight.

833
00:42:29,201 --> 00:42:30,969
Thanks for having me.

834
00:42:44,450 --> 00:42:47,050
Do you mind? I've got
to make a quick call outside.

835
00:42:47,052 --> 00:42:48,586
- I'll be right back.
- No problem.

836
00:42:48,588 --> 00:42:50,954
I'm going to make a quick call.
Do you mind?

837
00:42:50,956 --> 00:42:52,457
Not at all. Take your time.

838
00:42:52,459 --> 00:42:54,425
I gotta make a quick call,
if you don't mind.

839
00:42:54,427 --> 00:42:55,894
- Is that ok with you?
- Mm-hm.

840
00:42:55,896 --> 00:42:56,894
- Sure.
- Be right back.

841
00:42:56,896 --> 00:42:57,897
Everything's good?

842
00:42:57,899 --> 00:42:59,034
- Amazing.
- Good.

843
00:42:59,901 --> 00:43:01,069
Give me a sec.

844
00:43:02,469 --> 00:43:03,437
I'll be right back.

845
00:43:05,973 --> 00:43:07,209
Be back in a second.

846
00:43:20,053 --> 00:43:21,453
Is everything alright?

847
00:43:21,455 --> 00:43:23,423
Everything's amazing, but...
Jack, where's Simon?

848
00:43:23,425 --> 00:43:25,525
He was making a call.
It's been a while...

849
00:43:25,527 --> 00:43:26,992
Is everything alright?

850
00:43:26,994 --> 00:43:28,463
Yes, excellent...

851
00:43:32,034 --> 00:43:33,266
Is everything alright?

852
00:43:33,268 --> 00:43:35,170
Mm, delicious, thank you.

853
00:43:40,474 --> 00:43:41,509
Where's Simon?

854
00:43:42,043 --> 00:43:43,311
Is he coming back?

855
00:43:43,679 --> 00:43:44,981
Nah.

856
00:43:48,551 --> 00:43:50,283
Motherfucker!

857
00:43:50,285 --> 00:43:53,222
What a scumbag!

858
00:43:54,089 --> 00:43:56,022
I'll fucking scratch
his eyeballs out

859
00:43:56,024 --> 00:43:57,223
the next time I see him!

860
00:44:13,009 --> 00:44:14,509
Simon, you ok?

861
00:44:14,511 --> 00:44:16,179
Yeah, I'm good. Listen...

862
00:44:16,646 --> 00:44:19,380
First of all, thank you
for the way you take care of me,

863
00:44:19,382 --> 00:44:20,414
I appreciate it.

864
00:44:20,416 --> 00:44:22,085
Anything for you.
It's ok, Simon.

865
00:44:22,453 --> 00:44:25,387
That last girl,
I think her name was Margaret...

866
00:44:25,389 --> 00:44:26,121
Yeah.

867
00:44:26,123 --> 00:44:28,259
How did she take
paying the bill?

868
00:44:28,592 --> 00:44:30,161
Well...

869
00:44:30,427 --> 00:44:32,597
When she saw the bill,
she started laughing.

870
00:44:41,006 --> 00:44:42,241
Ok...

871
00:44:45,243 --> 00:44:47,243
Get the fuck outta here.
She started laughing?

872
00:44:47,245 --> 00:44:49,011
Yeah, she was laughing.

873
00:44:49,013 --> 00:44:50,381
Did she call me any names?

874
00:44:51,115 --> 00:44:52,617
No.

875
00:44:53,417 --> 00:44:54,519
Really?

876
00:44:55,220 --> 00:44:56,519
Ok, thanks buddy.

877
00:44:56,521 --> 00:44:58,121
I appreciate it.
I'll see you soon.

878
00:44:58,123 --> 00:45:00,092
- Ok?
- It's ok. Anything, Simon.

879
00:45:12,438 --> 00:45:13,440
Hello?

880
00:45:13,773 --> 00:45:15,608
Um... Margaret?

881
00:45:16,741 --> 00:45:18,544
It's Simon.

882
00:45:19,811 --> 00:45:22,148
Wow, ah...

883
00:45:22,716 --> 00:45:24,381
I'm surprised.

884
00:45:24,383 --> 00:45:26,051
I honestly didn't think
I would hear from you again.

885
00:45:26,053 --> 00:45:28,321
I really... I'm sorry
I had to leave, something...

886
00:45:28,655 --> 00:45:31,589
came up and I couldn't get out
of it, and I apologize.

887
00:45:31,591 --> 00:45:32,557
Ah-ha.

888
00:45:32,559 --> 00:45:34,426
I'd like to make it up to you,
if possible.

889
00:45:34,428 --> 00:45:36,564
Could I take you out again?

890
00:45:38,365 --> 00:45:41,369
You... you want me
to buy you dinner again?

891
00:45:42,602 --> 00:45:47,442
No, no. I want to make it up
to you, and I got a big...

892
00:45:48,109 --> 00:45:49,708
I got a big
thing going on tonight,

893
00:45:49,710 --> 00:45:51,810
I'm performing
at The Comedy Basement.

894
00:45:51,812 --> 00:45:55,249
It's being televised on cable.

895
00:45:55,850 --> 00:45:57,750
And if you come...
If you can make it tonight,

896
00:45:57,752 --> 00:46:00,589
I'd appreciate it,
and I'll make it up to you.

897
00:46:02,656 --> 00:46:04,191
Ah...

898
00:46:06,326 --> 00:46:08,696
Let me think about it.

899
00:46:10,164 --> 00:46:11,363
Ok.

900
00:46:11,365 --> 00:46:12,765
Sorry about it, really.

901
00:46:12,767 --> 00:46:14,771
I'm sorry about it,
I'll make it up to you. Ok?

902
00:46:15,369 --> 00:46:17,239
- It's ok.
- Try to make it tonight.

903
00:46:18,139 --> 00:46:19,374
- Ok.
- Bye.

904
00:46:19,641 --> 00:46:21,144
- Bye.
- Bye.

905
00:46:28,650 --> 00:46:30,517
My daddy's
a hillbilly coal miner

906
00:46:30,519 --> 00:46:32,385
from West by God Virginia.

907
00:46:32,387 --> 00:46:34,187
So I'm a coal miner's daughter.

908
00:46:35,859 --> 00:46:37,525
He was a Marine,

909
00:46:37,527 --> 00:46:40,464
he was in the United States
Marine Corps, so oorah!

910
00:46:40,730 --> 00:46:42,496
- Yeah!
- Oorah!

911
00:46:42,498 --> 00:46:45,665
My mama, she worked in a church
in Durham, North Carolina.

912
00:46:45,667 --> 00:46:48,668
So naturally,
I am a Playboy Playmate.

913
00:46:52,475 --> 00:46:54,678
True, I am Miss February...

914
00:46:55,178 --> 00:46:56,747
Whoo!

915
00:46:58,682 --> 00:47:00,349
...1986.

916
00:47:02,552 --> 00:47:04,253
I frickin' hate
saying that year,

917
00:47:04,255 --> 00:47:05,523
it's a dead giveaway.

918
00:47:06,590 --> 00:47:09,760
I'm old... erish.

919
00:47:10,728 --> 00:47:14,162
I'm 33 years in Playmate years!
Whoo hoo!

920
00:47:18,434 --> 00:47:21,837
Any guys here who like to send
pictures of their penises

921
00:47:21,839 --> 00:47:23,741
to prospective dates?

922
00:47:24,942 --> 00:47:26,843
Good, I'm glad nobody clapped.

923
00:47:28,479 --> 00:47:30,582
'Cause I know
most of you are liars,

924
00:47:31,415 --> 00:47:32,748
but at least you have
the common sense

925
00:47:32,750 --> 00:47:34,850
not to admit it
in a crowd of people.

926
00:47:36,520 --> 00:47:38,788
Not quite sure why a guy
would send a penis to a woman.

927
00:47:38,790 --> 00:47:42,192
Is it like they hope
that later during the date

928
00:47:42,194 --> 00:47:43,625
they can't be impersonated?

929
00:47:45,398 --> 00:47:48,199
Like, "Wait a minute,
I've seen your penis,

930
00:47:48,201 --> 00:47:50,469
and that's not your penis!"

931
00:47:52,505 --> 00:47:54,338
I just don't understand it.

932
00:47:54,340 --> 00:47:57,474
Women don't go for guys
for a penis.

933
00:47:57,476 --> 00:47:58,612
Am I right, ladies?

934
00:47:59,646 --> 00:48:02,278
By the time you know
the size of a guy's penis,

935
00:48:02,280 --> 00:48:03,616
you've already committed.

936
00:48:04,516 --> 00:48:06,349
Any ladies ever looked
at a penis and said,

937
00:48:06,351 --> 00:48:07,721
"Sorry, I'm outta here?"

938
00:48:10,524 --> 00:48:11,990
I imagine that would be

939
00:48:11,992 --> 00:48:14,392
not because it's too small,
but because it's too big.

940
00:48:14,394 --> 00:48:16,394
Ooh!

941
00:48:16,396 --> 00:48:18,231
Ladies, you like 'em real big?

942
00:48:18,932 --> 00:48:20,497
Hey, I don't understand that.

943
00:48:20,499 --> 00:48:22,633
I thought the idea of sex
was that it was intimacy.

944
00:48:22,635 --> 00:48:24,368
Why do you want
to have sex with a guy

945
00:48:24,370 --> 00:48:25,673
who's in the other room?

946
00:48:29,575 --> 00:48:30,941
Is everything alright, sir?

947
00:48:30,943 --> 00:48:32,345
It's ok, I guess.

948
00:48:33,480 --> 00:48:36,882
You seemed to get very sober
with that telephone call.

949
00:48:36,884 --> 00:48:38,583
Pardon me?

950
00:48:38,585 --> 00:48:40,385
Somber, sober, sad.

951
00:48:40,387 --> 00:48:41,355
For a comedian,

952
00:48:42,223 --> 00:48:43,791
that doesn't sound good,
I don't think.

953
00:48:44,625 --> 00:48:46,694
I'm not sad. I'm just...

954
00:48:47,962 --> 00:48:49,864
I think I just am...

955
00:48:50,398 --> 00:48:51,896
got a lot going on in my mind

956
00:48:51,898 --> 00:48:54,699
'cause I'm performing
and there's a lot of pressure,

957
00:48:54,701 --> 00:48:57,706
'cause five minutes
for a comedian are an eternity.

958
00:48:57,972 --> 00:49:00,409
Hmm... I understand.

959
00:49:01,876 --> 00:49:04,813
But you are prepared
for these five minutes?

960
00:49:05,881 --> 00:49:07,383
Am I prepared?

961
00:49:08,416 --> 00:49:10,352
Is anybody ever prepared
in life?

962
00:49:10,952 --> 00:49:12,551
I don't know. We'll see.

963
00:49:12,553 --> 00:49:14,354
I mean, everything is timing.

964
00:49:14,356 --> 00:49:18,962
Sometimes when you're on stage
your timing is bang-on, and...

965
00:49:20,028 --> 00:49:22,462
you're in the rhythm
of the audience and the crowd,

966
00:49:22,464 --> 00:49:24,331
and sometimes
your timing is off,

967
00:49:24,333 --> 00:49:26,569
and you die a slow death.

968
00:49:27,569 --> 00:49:30,873
Hmm. Well, I have
faith in you, sir.

969
00:49:33,576 --> 00:49:35,713
What kind of faith
are you talking about?

970
00:49:38,982 --> 00:49:40,516
In my country...

971
00:49:41,851 --> 00:49:43,854
there's very little reason
for faith.

972
00:49:44,788 --> 00:49:45,991
In this country,

973
00:49:46,657 --> 00:49:48,492
you have every reason for faith.

974
00:49:49,327 --> 00:49:50,395
I have faith.

975
00:49:51,595 --> 00:49:52,731
You have faith?

976
00:49:53,430 --> 00:49:55,467
I have a gut feeling
about you, sir.

977
00:49:58,102 --> 00:50:00,772
But you don't even know
who I am, or what I am.

978
00:50:03,207 --> 00:50:05,606
You know there's two types
of people in the world, right?

979
00:50:05,608 --> 00:50:08,512
What do you mean,
two types of people?

980
00:50:09,046 --> 00:50:10,714
There's good souls,

981
00:50:10,716 --> 00:50:12,382
and there's assholes.

982
00:50:12,384 --> 00:50:14,887
How do you know I'm a good soul
and not an asshole?

983
00:50:16,020 --> 00:50:17,823
Faith, sir. Faith.

984
00:50:20,658 --> 00:50:22,625
The dog is cute.
Roxy, that's her name.

985
00:50:22,627 --> 00:50:25,027
We had a little compromise
with the dog.

986
00:50:25,029 --> 00:50:26,596
I wanted to get a male dog

987
00:50:26,598 --> 00:50:28,531
so we'd have
two neutered men in the family.

988
00:50:30,035 --> 00:50:32,935
What happened was I took
my daughter to see the puppies,

989
00:50:32,937 --> 00:50:34,972
and she fell in love
with a female,

990
00:50:34,974 --> 00:50:36,773
and she named her Roxy,

991
00:50:36,775 --> 00:50:41,512
because she has never been
to a strip club before.

992
00:50:42,749 --> 00:50:44,447
I know,
it's such a stripper name!

993
00:50:44,449 --> 00:50:46,751
If you're a guy, there's a list
of names in your head

994
00:50:46,753 --> 00:50:48,017
and they're not
in your head all cutesy,

995
00:50:48,019 --> 00:50:49,753
it's not like, "Roxy!"

996
00:50:49,755 --> 00:50:52,391
It's like, "Roxay!"

997
00:50:53,025 --> 00:50:54,457
"Coming to the dog park

998
00:50:54,459 --> 00:50:57,795
right now, gentlemen,
it's Roxay!"

999
00:50:59,031 --> 00:51:01,433
I know, I feel creepy
just calling this dog.

1000
00:51:01,435 --> 00:51:05,038
I say,
"Roxy! Here girl..."

1001
00:51:05,471 --> 00:51:06,737
"Who wants a big bone?

1002
00:51:06,739 --> 00:51:09,576
Huh? Who wants it?"

1003
00:51:10,611 --> 00:51:12,879
Why are you so happy?

1004
00:51:14,013 --> 00:51:15,482
Look around you, sir.

1005
00:51:16,450 --> 00:51:17,448
And?

1006
00:51:17,450 --> 00:51:18,685
It is paradise.

1007
00:51:23,992 --> 00:51:25,594
This is paradise to you?

1008
00:51:25,960 --> 00:51:26,961
Very much so.

1009
00:51:30,632 --> 00:51:31,800
Fine. You know what?

1010
00:51:32,534 --> 00:51:34,802
I'll take that
into consideration...

1011
00:51:35,836 --> 00:51:36,771
tonight.

1012
00:51:37,639 --> 00:51:40,876
And hopefully give myself
a big break.

1013
00:51:43,143 --> 00:51:44,445
Hopefully.

1014
00:51:45,981 --> 00:51:46,883
Have faith, sir.

1015
00:51:48,551 --> 00:51:49,886
You have faith in life?

1016
00:51:51,854 --> 00:51:53,723
I'm grateful
every morning.

1017
00:51:56,859 --> 00:51:57,861
For what?

1018
00:51:58,526 --> 00:51:59,561
For who I am.

1019
00:51:59,995 --> 00:52:03,866
For my...
happiness, for my children.

1020
00:52:05,600 --> 00:52:06,669
For being alive.

1021
00:52:07,002 --> 00:52:08,538
Ok. Nice.

1022
00:52:13,143 --> 00:52:15,579
My father always planned
for the future.

1023
00:52:16,947 --> 00:52:19,049
But the future
was short-lived for him.

1024
00:52:20,683 --> 00:52:21,918
What are you gonna do?

1025
00:52:26,056 --> 00:52:28,188
I did a whole bunch of TV shows
y'all might know,

1026
00:52:28,190 --> 00:52:31,059
I was on Growing Pains,
I was on The Drew Carey Show,

1027
00:52:31,061 --> 00:52:33,495
I played Peaches,
his hillbilly neighbor.

1028
00:52:33,497 --> 00:52:34,796
I was on The Golden Girls,

1029
00:52:34,798 --> 00:52:37,001
I was their
next door neighbor Ms. Mary.

1030
00:52:37,267 --> 00:52:39,868
Um, I did Beverly Hills 90210,

1031
00:52:39,870 --> 00:52:42,504
I did nine covers
of Playboy magazine

1032
00:52:42,506 --> 00:52:43,839
around the world, whoo hoo!

1033
00:52:46,243 --> 00:52:47,910
Thank you very much.

1034
00:52:47,912 --> 00:52:50,011
I'd just like everyone to know
who I think I used to be.

1035
00:52:51,883 --> 00:52:53,915
'Cause what I really am
is just a small town,

1036
00:52:53,917 --> 00:52:55,783
blue jean wearing,
four-wheeler riding,

1037
00:52:55,785 --> 00:52:58,054
hillbilly talking,
country music listening,

1038
00:52:58,056 --> 00:52:59,889
tailgate sitting,
blowjob giving,

1039
00:52:59,891 --> 00:53:01,791
blue collar boy loving
kind of gal.

1040
00:53:08,132 --> 00:53:09,565
Most of the people here,

1041
00:53:09,567 --> 00:53:11,000
when a Playboy Playmate's
speaking,

1042
00:53:11,002 --> 00:53:15,639
it's "wah wah wah, wah wah wah,
blowjob giving,

1043
00:53:15,641 --> 00:53:17,677
wah wah wah wah."

1044
00:53:18,676 --> 00:53:21,814
I am sorry
that he is not here to...

1045
00:53:22,782 --> 00:53:23,984
attend tonight.

1046
00:53:25,285 --> 00:53:26,553
Me too.

1047
00:53:27,119 --> 00:53:28,218
Me too.

1048
00:53:28,220 --> 00:53:29,590
He was my biggest fan.

1049
00:53:29,988 --> 00:53:33,593
And he stuck by me
when I was booed.

1050
00:53:34,026 --> 00:53:34,961
But he is here.

1051
00:53:39,298 --> 00:53:42,999
You have to forgive me, Jerry,
for being a little cynical.

1052
00:53:43,001 --> 00:53:45,237
I really, truly,
don't want to offend

1053
00:53:45,239 --> 00:53:48,674
what you believe in, in your...
culture and your religion,

1054
00:53:48,676 --> 00:53:49,775
but I don't believe
in that shit.

1055
00:53:49,777 --> 00:53:51,112
My father had faith,

1056
00:53:52,011 --> 00:53:54,181
so did my mother,
and they're both gone.

1057
00:53:55,716 --> 00:53:57,852
Did they have a good life?
Were they happy?

1058
00:54:00,187 --> 00:54:01,152
Yeah, they were.

1059
00:54:01,154 --> 00:54:02,987
Well, I never saw
my father on his deathbed,

1060
00:54:02,989 --> 00:54:05,290
because I didn't have the guts.

1061
00:54:05,292 --> 00:54:07,194
I didn't have the guts.

1062
00:54:07,761 --> 00:54:10,099
But my mother, yes.
I was there when...

1063
00:54:10,731 --> 00:54:15,070
she had her last breath of life
before they removed the...

1064
00:54:15,903 --> 00:54:17,639
the batteries from her.

1065
00:54:19,708 --> 00:54:20,976
Yeah, she was happy.

1066
00:54:24,646 --> 00:54:26,180
You were there for your mother.

1067
00:54:28,383 --> 00:54:30,920
That is a great blessing.

1068
00:54:33,622 --> 00:54:34,557
I agree.

1069
00:54:35,859 --> 00:54:39,062
I do, Jerry, I agree. I'm happy
I was able to say bye to her.

1070
00:54:39,629 --> 00:54:42,933
And I'm disappointed in myself,
to be honest with you,

1071
00:54:43,633 --> 00:54:45,832
that I didn't get a chance
to say bye to my dad,

1072
00:54:45,834 --> 00:54:47,202
because I'm a fucking coward.

1073
00:54:51,640 --> 00:54:53,140
And the whole theory about,

1074
00:54:53,142 --> 00:54:55,712
you know, how black men
supposedly are all so well-hung?

1075
00:54:56,011 --> 00:54:58,646
You think about the damage
that does to black men

1076
00:54:58,648 --> 00:54:59,780
who are averagely hung?

1077
00:55:01,784 --> 00:55:04,284
Just think about
how they have to walk around

1078
00:55:04,286 --> 00:55:06,887
knowing that one day
they'll show their penis

1079
00:55:06,889 --> 00:55:09,324
and it's not going to be
12 inches flaccid.

1080
00:55:10,994 --> 00:55:13,061
And just think of how awful
they're going to feel

1081
00:55:13,063 --> 00:55:14,999
in comparison
to the guys in porn.

1082
00:55:15,298 --> 00:55:18,636
Because that's the only place
penises are actually that big.

1083
00:55:19,302 --> 00:55:21,671
Oh, there's a lady here
who doubts that?

1084
00:55:23,006 --> 00:55:24,809
The guy sitting next to her
is beaming.

1085
00:55:25,109 --> 00:55:26,676
- Yeah.
- Where's your hand?

1086
00:55:26,678 --> 00:55:27,877
Why's it under the table?

1087
00:55:30,214 --> 00:55:33,915
Let us not be so sad,
you are a funny man.

1088
00:55:33,917 --> 00:55:35,750
You're going to perform tonight.

1089
00:55:35,752 --> 00:55:38,055
You are a very funny man.
I know it!

1090
00:55:38,321 --> 00:55:40,455
What, are you
from Jerry Seinfeld?

1091
00:55:40,457 --> 00:55:41,760
Who?

1092
00:55:42,359 --> 00:55:43,729
It doesn't matter.

1093
00:55:44,328 --> 00:55:46,797
I gave you two jokes
and you didn't laugh.

1094
00:55:46,799 --> 00:55:48,034
I don't understand it.

1095
00:55:50,168 --> 00:55:51,103
Try another one.

1096
00:55:52,237 --> 00:55:53,206
Nah...

1097
00:55:53,971 --> 00:55:55,137
But thank you, Jerry,

1098
00:55:55,139 --> 00:55:56,842
I really appreciate it,
actually.

1099
00:55:58,409 --> 00:56:02,144
I did not want to take an Uber,
because, I told my brother

1100
00:56:02,146 --> 00:56:03,746
"They all smell like curry."

1101
00:56:03,748 --> 00:56:05,949
- Hm?
- But your car smells brand-new.

1102
00:56:05,951 --> 00:56:07,717
Because it is brand-new!

1103
00:56:07,719 --> 00:56:10,354
Next week, if I pick you up,
it will smell like curry, but...

1104
00:56:10,356 --> 00:56:13,026
That's funny.

1105
00:56:13,959 --> 00:56:16,761
At least you're honest...
You're a good guy, Jerry!

1106
00:56:16,763 --> 00:56:17,865
Thank you, sir.

1107
00:56:18,865 --> 00:56:19,767
Are we close?

1108
00:56:20,066 --> 00:56:22,035
Three and a half minutes, sir.

1109
00:56:25,338 --> 00:56:26,839
Three and a half minutes.

1110
00:56:28,441 --> 00:56:30,107
Because I was a Playmate,

1111
00:56:30,109 --> 00:56:31,508
everybody just thinks
I knew everything about sex.

1112
00:56:31,510 --> 00:56:33,113
Sex, sex, sex... Nuh-uh!

1113
00:56:34,148 --> 00:56:35,847
I was about to get married,

1114
00:56:35,849 --> 00:56:38,319
I didn't even know
how to give a... blowjob!

1115
00:56:38,953 --> 00:56:40,351
And, um, then...

1116
00:56:40,353 --> 00:56:43,154
I couldn't go have that sex talk
with my mama,

1117
00:56:43,156 --> 00:56:45,324
'cause she works in a church
and it wasn't comfortable.

1118
00:56:45,326 --> 00:56:48,427
So I went to Ms. Mary,
Hugh Hefner's secretary.

1119
00:56:48,429 --> 00:56:50,896
Does anybody watch
The Girls Next Door show?

1120
00:56:50,898 --> 00:56:52,230
- Did y'all know that show?
- Yes!

1121
00:56:52,232 --> 00:56:54,166
Ok, you know who Ms. Mary is?

1122
00:56:54,168 --> 00:56:58,437
Mis. Mary was in her 70s
when she gave me the sex talk.

1123
00:56:58,439 --> 00:56:59,974
And this is what she said.

1124
00:57:00,242 --> 00:57:02,542
She said: "Honey,
you did know that 'blow'

1125
00:57:02,544 --> 00:57:04,544
was just an expression, right?

1126
00:57:05,847 --> 00:57:07,249
It should be called 'suck it'."

1127
00:57:10,919 --> 00:57:12,285
I was doing pretty good.

1128
00:57:12,287 --> 00:57:14,153
I got these nice eyes,
decent-size feet,

1129
00:57:14,155 --> 00:57:15,988
and these beautiful,
beautiful hands.

1130
00:57:15,990 --> 00:57:17,524
Whoo!

1131
00:57:17,526 --> 00:57:20,096
What they didn't tell me is that
if you're losing your hair,

1132
00:57:20,461 --> 00:57:22,163
none of that other shit matters.

1133
00:57:26,868 --> 00:57:28,738
I just recently
started shaving my head.

1134
00:57:29,437 --> 00:57:32,475
I guess as an act of surrender
on behalf of my hair, really.

1135
00:57:33,176 --> 00:57:35,042
It was obviously losing
the war to my forehead

1136
00:57:35,044 --> 00:57:36,576
for dominance of my face.

1137
00:57:39,047 --> 00:57:40,484
The hair put up a great fight.

1138
00:57:40,949 --> 00:57:42,583
But the troops
just kept retreating,

1139
00:57:42,585 --> 00:57:44,418
and retreating,
and retreating...

1140
00:57:44,420 --> 00:57:45,790
Yeah.

1141
00:57:46,990 --> 00:57:49,157
And then some of my forehead
flanked them from the back.

1142
00:57:53,963 --> 00:57:55,930
Are there any other
famous comedians

1143
00:57:55,932 --> 00:57:57,300
like yourself tonight?

1144
00:57:58,202 --> 00:58:00,434
Um, you know what,
I'm really bad with names,

1145
00:58:00,436 --> 00:58:02,838
but yes, it's very...

1146
00:58:02,840 --> 00:58:06,006
People much more talented
than me, people very famous.

1147
00:58:06,008 --> 00:58:08,343
I'm not famous at all,
nobody knows me.

1148
00:58:08,345 --> 00:58:10,179
Oh,
then this sounds like

1149
00:58:10,181 --> 00:58:12,050
an excellent opportunity
for you.

1150
00:58:13,884 --> 00:58:15,953
Yeah, and I'm actually...

1151
00:58:17,955 --> 00:58:20,288
quite surprised,
and trying to understand

1152
00:58:20,290 --> 00:58:22,493
why I have this opportunity,
because....

1153
00:58:23,093 --> 00:58:24,960
I think that I'm kind of...

1154
00:58:24,962 --> 00:58:26,531
Being a little honest
with myself,

1155
00:58:27,297 --> 00:58:29,265
I don't believe
I deserve this opportunity

1156
00:58:29,267 --> 00:58:31,002
because I've been very lazy.

1157
00:58:33,639 --> 00:58:36,809
Opportunity does not
come to those who deserve,

1158
00:58:37,208 --> 00:58:40,112
just like bad things happen
to those who don't deserve.

1159
00:58:40,545 --> 00:58:44,049
You should just accept it,
and not judge it.

1160
00:58:45,316 --> 00:58:47,251
So you're saying
go with the flow?

1161
00:58:47,253 --> 00:58:50,123
Well, be grateful
for the opportunity.

1162
00:58:52,458 --> 00:58:54,994
And kill!

1163
00:58:55,226 --> 00:58:56,193
"Kill?"

1164
00:58:56,195 --> 00:58:57,498
Isn't that what they say?

1165
00:58:58,163 --> 00:59:00,267
Yeah,
yeah they do, actually.

1166
00:59:01,267 --> 00:59:04,003
I'll do my best, Jerry,
I'll do my best.

1167
00:59:05,272 --> 00:59:07,138
By the way,
did you ever notice

1168
00:59:07,140 --> 00:59:08,672
that there's a lot of jokes
you can't tell anymore?

1169
00:59:08,674 --> 00:59:11,475
Things have become so sensitive,
there's jokes you can't tell.

1170
00:59:11,477 --> 00:59:15,048
Which, ok, I understand it,
we're much more enlightened now.

1171
00:59:15,415 --> 00:59:16,413
But what will we do

1172
00:59:16,415 --> 00:59:18,649
with all those great Newfie
and Polish jokes?

1173
00:59:20,319 --> 00:59:22,253
Who can be targets nowadays?

1174
00:59:22,255 --> 00:59:24,222
So, c'mon,
the idea of a submarine

1175
00:59:24,224 --> 00:59:26,260
with a screen door,
that's funny!

1176
00:59:27,561 --> 00:59:30,695
The idea of a mission to the sun
that lands at night?

1177
00:59:30,697 --> 00:59:31,996
That's funny!

1178
00:59:33,300 --> 00:59:35,700
But now we can't attach it
to any ethnicity.

1179
00:59:35,702 --> 00:59:37,635
What group
can we still make fun of?

1180
00:59:37,637 --> 00:59:39,938
I'm thinking there's one group
we can still make fun of

1181
00:59:39,940 --> 00:59:41,307
that everybody hates.

1182
00:59:41,309 --> 00:59:42,307
Old people.

1183
00:59:43,510 --> 00:59:46,645
Am I wrong?
Everybody hates old people.

1184
00:59:48,316 --> 00:59:51,219
And let's face it,
old people is your age plus 40.

1185
00:59:53,155 --> 00:59:54,990
Started losing
my hair when I was 19.

1186
00:59:55,189 --> 00:59:58,126
- Ooh!
- Yeah, didn't seem fair at all.

1187
00:59:58,526 --> 01:00:01,530
I went from one day I had to use
a fake ID to get into a bar,

1188
01:00:02,229 --> 01:00:04,631
next day I'm getting
a senior's discount at Denny's.

1189
01:00:14,009 --> 01:00:16,210
We're almost there, Mr. Simon.

1190
01:00:16,212 --> 01:00:17,347
Are you rehearsing?

1191
01:00:20,583 --> 01:00:21,551
I never rehearse.

1192
01:00:25,320 --> 01:00:26,223
Never?

1193
01:00:27,556 --> 01:00:28,491
Never.

1194
01:00:29,493 --> 01:00:33,196
Then you must
be perfect.

1195
01:00:34,064 --> 01:00:35,700
I'm far
from being perfect.

1196
01:00:36,233 --> 01:00:38,236
Maybe it's because
I don't rehearse.

1197
01:00:39,269 --> 01:00:41,502
I have to rehearse
everything I do

1198
01:00:41,504 --> 01:00:44,075
because I want to be perfect.

1199
01:00:45,108 --> 01:00:46,977
Maybe that's
what I should do.

1200
01:00:48,579 --> 01:00:50,544
Mr. Simon,
remember what you said:

1201
01:00:50,546 --> 01:00:54,649
there are two kinds of people,
good souls and assholes.

1202
01:00:54,651 --> 01:00:56,120
You are a good soul.

1203
01:00:56,788 --> 01:00:58,090
You think?

1204
01:00:58,690 --> 01:01:00,359
- I know.
- You really think?

1205
01:01:01,225 --> 01:01:02,157
I have faith.

1206
01:01:07,498 --> 01:01:08,399
Thank you, Jerry.

1207
01:01:10,067 --> 01:01:12,136
That means a lot to me,
I appreciate it.

1208
01:01:13,670 --> 01:01:15,139
Maybe that's what I need.

1209
01:01:16,306 --> 01:01:17,575
I need a little faith.

1210
01:01:22,814 --> 01:01:26,682
Actually, I've been doing
a lot of shows on cruise ships,

1211
01:01:26,684 --> 01:01:29,322
but that market's
kind of dried up now.

1212
01:01:30,155 --> 01:01:31,120
So...

1213
01:01:32,691 --> 01:01:35,258
My favorite
cruise ship thing recently...

1214
01:01:35,260 --> 01:01:37,760
That Italian one
that went up on its side.

1215
01:01:37,762 --> 01:01:39,296
Aw!

1216
01:01:39,298 --> 01:01:41,564
That captain, "Cap'n Crunch"

1217
01:01:41,566 --> 01:01:44,501
as I like to call him,
you know what he did?

1218
01:01:44,503 --> 01:01:48,306
Basically he was trying to wave
to a friend of his onshore,

1219
01:01:48,308 --> 01:01:50,607
and basically he did, like,
the nautical equivalent

1220
01:01:50,609 --> 01:01:54,411
of buzzing the tower
in a small plane, you know?

1221
01:01:54,413 --> 01:01:57,382
And he was off the ship,
this guy, he was off the ship,

1222
01:01:57,384 --> 01:02:00,054
before the passengers,
before the crew.

1223
01:02:00,319 --> 01:02:01,853
Right? And the excuses!

1224
01:02:01,855 --> 01:02:03,587
"Oh, it was dark!

1225
01:02:03,589 --> 01:02:05,589
It was dark,
I fell in the lifeboat.

1226
01:02:05,591 --> 01:02:09,528
It started paddling by itself,
I didn't know how to control it.

1227
01:02:09,530 --> 01:02:11,197
I know how to work
the big ships,

1228
01:02:11,199 --> 01:02:13,631
these little ones
are a mystery to me."

1229
01:02:17,104 --> 01:02:20,338
"Oh, I was just testing out,
I was testing out the lifeboat

1230
01:02:20,340 --> 01:02:23,108
to make sure it was safe
for the other passengers."

1231
01:02:24,512 --> 01:02:27,412
And I say, good thing
this happened in Italy.

1232
01:02:27,414 --> 01:02:30,184
Right? Off the coast of Italy.

1233
01:02:30,450 --> 01:02:32,485
Because anywhere else
in the world,

1234
01:02:32,487 --> 01:02:34,386
"Me no speaking English!

1235
01:02:34,388 --> 01:02:36,823
Boat go boom boom, she sink!
I don't know what happened!

1236
01:02:36,825 --> 01:02:39,725
I'm just a guy standing here,
boat sink over there!

1237
01:02:39,727 --> 01:02:42,328
Don't look at me,
I'm standing here all day

1238
01:02:42,330 --> 01:02:44,897
minding my own business,
boat sink over there.

1239
01:02:44,899 --> 01:02:47,234
Somebody help those people! Ahh!

1240
01:02:47,236 --> 01:02:49,236
Who put this uniform on me?

1241
01:02:49,238 --> 01:02:50,603
This is not my uniform!

1242
01:02:50,605 --> 01:02:53,676
I fell asleep,
a man put a hat on my head..."

1243
01:02:57,447 --> 01:03:00,250
We're almost there, sir.
I'm very excited for you.

1244
01:03:02,184 --> 01:03:03,487
I think I am too, now.

1245
01:03:05,255 --> 01:03:06,523
Thank you, Jerry.

1246
01:03:08,291 --> 01:03:09,493
Appreciate it.

1247
01:03:12,427 --> 01:03:13,663
On the house, sir.

1248
01:03:18,201 --> 01:03:21,106
Life is a series of moments.

1249
01:03:21,437 --> 01:03:23,805
And hopefully
we will see each other again.

1250
01:03:23,807 --> 01:03:25,276
We may not, but if we do,

1251
01:03:25,542 --> 01:03:28,546
then that will be
a sign of friendship.

1252
01:03:29,212 --> 01:03:31,415
And... another moment.

1253
01:03:32,515 --> 01:03:34,482
You're very
philosophical, there, Jerry.

1254
01:03:34,484 --> 01:03:36,287
But... you know what?

1255
01:03:37,321 --> 01:03:39,424
If I see you again, it'd be...

1256
01:03:40,557 --> 01:03:43,560
my honor and my pleasure
to call you my friend.

1257
01:03:45,963 --> 01:03:48,299
You see? I am grateful.

1258
01:03:49,900 --> 01:03:54,436
You know Jerry, ironically,
it is me who is grateful.

1259
01:03:54,438 --> 01:03:57,342
And usually I'm always
the one that's ungrateful.

1260
01:03:57,576 --> 01:03:59,545
And I just realized something...

1261
01:04:00,811 --> 01:04:02,348
That I was very ungrateful

1262
01:04:03,315 --> 01:04:05,315
for a lot of great things
in my life

1263
01:04:05,317 --> 01:04:06,719
to a lot of great people.

1264
01:04:07,953 --> 01:04:09,555
Thank you for that, Jerry.

1265
01:04:10,856 --> 01:04:12,325
No charge, sir.

1266
01:04:13,725 --> 01:04:14,760
No charge.

1267
01:04:29,941 --> 01:04:31,741
We are friends, now.

1268
01:04:31,743 --> 01:04:32,643
You need some sugar.

1269
01:04:32,645 --> 01:04:35,315
Give me a good luck hug!

1270
01:05:09,684 --> 01:05:11,917
The fuck,
were you waiting there?

1271
01:05:11,919 --> 01:05:13,885
What's the matter with you?
I thought you were dead!

1272
01:05:13,887 --> 01:05:15,988
- What do you mean, "dead"?
- That you weren't coming.

1273
01:05:15,990 --> 01:05:17,490
I told you I was.

1274
01:05:17,492 --> 01:05:19,524
I know. Hang on, listen,
you're going last.

1275
01:05:19,526 --> 01:05:21,661
I don't wanna go last,
that's a lot of pressure.

1276
01:05:21,663 --> 01:05:22,962
I know, but it's the best spot.

1277
01:05:22,964 --> 01:05:25,801
You'll be phenomenal.
You're going last.

1278
01:05:26,701 --> 01:05:28,734
- That's Joseph Rogers.
- Yeah, don't...

1279
01:05:28,736 --> 01:05:31,404
- Let me ask him a question.
- Look, Simon, Simon...

1280
01:05:31,406 --> 01:05:33,609
Excuse me, Joseph?

1281
01:05:34,810 --> 01:05:35,745
Mr. Rogers.

1282
01:05:39,681 --> 01:05:42,551
Mr. Rogers, can I just ask you
a question? Please?

1283
01:05:43,752 --> 01:05:45,555
What?

1284
01:05:45,921 --> 01:05:47,322
You've been writing a column

1285
01:05:47,324 --> 01:05:48,691
for as long
as I've been doing this,

1286
01:05:49,092 --> 01:05:51,829
how come you've never written
anything about me?

1287
01:05:52,695 --> 01:05:54,898
'Cause I only write
about comedians.

1288
01:06:03,572 --> 01:06:06,106
I got a few beauty tips
for the girls.

1289
01:06:06,108 --> 01:06:08,710
Listen, instead of getting
Botox in your forehead

1290
01:06:08,712 --> 01:06:10,678
like all the pinup gals do,

1291
01:06:10,680 --> 01:06:12,881
um, I recommend bangs.

1292
01:06:14,451 --> 01:06:16,854
It's a whole lot cheaper
and a lot less painful.

1293
01:06:20,691 --> 01:06:22,826
- You know me?
- I know who you are.

1294
01:06:23,026 --> 01:06:24,859
Means a lot to me.
Thanks, appreciate it.

1295
01:06:24,861 --> 01:06:27,129
Don't worry about it now.
You have a great show tonight.

1296
01:06:27,131 --> 01:06:28,129
Thank you, Mr. Marino.

1297
01:06:28,131 --> 01:06:29,834
- Kill 'em.
- Thanks.

1298
01:06:35,139 --> 01:06:37,139
I'm not the sock,
I'm nobody's puppet,

1299
01:06:37,141 --> 01:06:38,508
don't you be either.

1300
01:06:41,146 --> 01:06:42,615
Thank you!

1301
01:06:42,947 --> 01:06:45,949
Aww! My time is up!

1302
01:06:45,951 --> 01:06:48,353
Give it up
for Julie McCollough, everybody!

1303
01:06:48,619 --> 01:06:51,757
Thank y'all very much!
Thank you for having me!

1304
01:06:53,057 --> 01:06:55,527
Thank you very much
ladies and gentlemen.

1305
01:06:56,495 --> 01:06:58,497
Have yourselves a great evening.

1306
01:06:59,631 --> 01:07:01,500
Give it up for him!

1307
01:07:02,868 --> 01:07:05,571
- What a great crowd!
- I love you!

1308
01:07:06,872 --> 01:07:10,443
Enjoy yourselves. Thank you.
Thank you, thank you so much.

1309
01:07:10,642 --> 01:07:12,678
Thank you very much,
have a good night.

1310
01:07:17,649 --> 01:07:18,984
Ladies and gentlemen,

1311
01:07:19,484 --> 01:07:20,786
this man, once he retired

1312
01:07:20,788 --> 01:07:22,454
from quarterbacking
the Miami Dolphins

1313
01:07:22,456 --> 01:07:23,822
decided to become a comedian,

1314
01:07:23,824 --> 01:07:27,057
please welcome the very,
very funny Mike Marino!

1315
01:07:29,195 --> 01:07:31,431
Come on folks, make some noise!

1316
01:07:33,199 --> 01:07:34,501
Come on, let's go!

1317
01:07:39,505 --> 01:07:40,875
Thanks, appreciate it.

1318
01:07:41,474 --> 01:07:42,706
Hey folks, one more time

1319
01:07:42,708 --> 01:07:44,074
for all these
great entertainers.

1320
01:07:44,076 --> 01:07:45,611
Come on, ain't they fantastic?

1321
01:07:49,082 --> 01:07:51,017
Thank you so much
for letting me come over.

1322
01:07:51,019 --> 01:07:53,618
It's fantastic,
I'm very happy to be here.

1323
01:07:53,620 --> 01:07:55,086
My name is Mike Marino,
I'm Italian,

1324
01:07:55,088 --> 01:07:58,457
I'm from a small place in Italy
called New Jersey.

1325
01:08:00,627 --> 01:08:02,028
Yeah, make sure you laugh
at what I say,

1326
01:08:02,030 --> 01:08:04,966
I ain't even a comedian,
this is community service.

1327
01:08:06,667 --> 01:08:07,899
I like being Italian.

1328
01:08:07,901 --> 01:08:09,503
Growing up, a lot
of people never believed

1329
01:08:09,505 --> 01:08:10,904
that I came
from an Italian family

1330
01:08:10,906 --> 01:08:13,005
'cause I'm light skinned
and have blue eyes.

1331
01:08:13,007 --> 01:08:15,074
Tell you people in this room
right now, full-blood Italian,

1332
01:08:15,076 --> 01:08:17,913
both my parents born in Italy.
And I can prove that.

1333
01:08:20,716 --> 01:08:22,715
I'm 55 years old,

1334
01:08:22,717 --> 01:08:24,718
and I still live at home
with my ma.

1335
01:08:31,659 --> 01:08:33,862
Don't worry about it,
I see it in your face.

1336
01:08:33,864 --> 01:08:36,734
You're gonna have a good set,
don't worry about it.

1337
01:08:37,100 --> 01:08:38,232
- Alright?
- Thanks.

1338
01:08:40,770 --> 01:08:42,606
Get 'em! Break a leg!

1339
01:08:46,609 --> 01:08:48,009
We think we need to involve
Italian people

1340
01:08:48,011 --> 01:08:49,743
in more things in this world,
we wouldn't have

1341
01:08:49,745 --> 01:08:51,545
half the problems
we've got, right?

1342
01:08:51,547 --> 01:08:53,014
- Yeah!
- Think about it.

1343
01:08:53,016 --> 01:08:55,517
I don't like what the president
is doing in the U.S.

1344
01:08:55,519 --> 01:08:56,885
We need a nice,
Italian president

1345
01:08:56,887 --> 01:08:58,621
from New Jersey to take over.

1346
01:08:58,623 --> 01:09:00,826
- Yeah!
- I'd make a great president.

1347
01:09:01,558 --> 01:09:02,891
I was running
for a year and a half,

1348
01:09:02,893 --> 01:09:04,894
I shoulda been in there,
I woulda been perfect.

1349
01:09:04,896 --> 01:09:07,966
"Make America Italian Again,"
that's the slogan.

1350
01:09:10,668 --> 01:09:11,937
That's right.

1351
01:09:12,637 --> 01:09:13,969
I had great ideas.

1352
01:09:13,971 --> 01:09:15,738
I wouldn't have even needed
four years.

1353
01:09:15,740 --> 01:09:17,072
Three months, straighten out
the whole country.

1354
01:09:17,074 --> 01:09:18,640
Done, perfect.

1355
01:09:18,642 --> 01:09:20,041
They'd ask me questions,

1356
01:09:20,043 --> 01:09:22,645
like how did I end wars
in foreign countries.

1357
01:09:22,647 --> 01:09:24,280
"Hey Mr. President,
you took care

1358
01:09:24,282 --> 01:09:27,249
of that problem in North Korea,
can you tell us what you did?"

1359
01:09:27,251 --> 01:09:28,918
I'd be on national television

1360
01:09:28,920 --> 01:09:30,319
dressed up
in a three-piece suit,

1361
01:09:30,321 --> 01:09:33,023
but I have my Cabinet behind me,
you know my Cabinet?

1362
01:09:33,025 --> 01:09:35,928
Anthony, Nicky,
Joey, Sally, Tony...

1363
01:09:36,928 --> 01:09:38,761
Like, "Mr. President,
what happened?"

1364
01:09:38,763 --> 01:09:41,631
I'd be like, "Oh, you mean
out there in North Korea,

1365
01:09:41,633 --> 01:09:43,001
with the guy and the thing?

1366
01:09:44,804 --> 01:09:46,038
Well, here's what happened.

1367
01:09:46,339 --> 01:09:49,676
We went out there to talk
to him, and then, uh...

1368
01:09:50,577 --> 01:09:51,842
I don't know what happened."

1369
01:09:53,679 --> 01:09:54,847
Yeah.

1370
01:09:57,649 --> 01:09:58,785
"But he's gone now.

1371
01:09:59,117 --> 01:10:01,218
And there's nothing
you can do about it."

1372
01:10:03,089 --> 01:10:04,888
I always wanted
to be on television

1373
01:10:04,890 --> 01:10:06,222
during the debates.

1374
01:10:06,224 --> 01:10:08,092
'Cause if you remember
during the debates,

1375
01:10:08,094 --> 01:10:09,760
they made fun of each other
on national television,

1376
01:10:09,762 --> 01:10:11,095
and you don't do that shit.

1377
01:10:11,097 --> 01:10:12,763
That shows weakness
in foreign countries.

1378
01:10:12,765 --> 01:10:14,735
Imagine them making fun
of a guy like me.

1379
01:10:15,069 --> 01:10:17,235
Then the Master of Ceremonies
looks at me and says,

1380
01:10:17,237 --> 01:10:19,204
"Mr. Marino, Clinton and Trump
just made fun of you

1381
01:10:19,206 --> 01:10:22,644
on national television.
Would you like a rebuttal?"

1382
01:10:23,210 --> 01:10:24,645
I'd say, "Yes I would!

1383
01:10:25,311 --> 01:10:27,111
Go to a commercial break."

1384
01:10:29,682 --> 01:10:30,949
Then we come back from break,

1385
01:10:30,951 --> 01:10:32,818
you can't find
either of them anywhere.

1386
01:10:32,820 --> 01:10:34,252
Ooh!

1387
01:10:34,254 --> 01:10:35,921
Then they look at me
and go, "What happened?"

1388
01:10:35,923 --> 01:10:38,157
I'm like, "Ah...
I don't know what happened."

1389
01:10:43,198 --> 01:10:44,831
"But they're gone now,

1390
01:10:44,833 --> 01:10:46,902
and there's nothing
you can do about it."

1391
01:10:49,738 --> 01:10:50,873
C'mon, people.

1392
01:10:56,145 --> 01:10:58,147
It's ok.

1393
01:10:58,947 --> 01:10:59,915
It's ok.

1394
01:11:00,916 --> 01:11:02,352
We know you want
to be a comedian.

1395
01:11:03,285 --> 01:11:05,155
And you're talented.
You're funny.

1396
01:11:05,754 --> 01:11:09,088
You are a funny man,
you're going to perform tonight.

1397
01:11:09,090 --> 01:11:11,760
You are a very funny man.
I know it!

1398
01:11:14,163 --> 01:11:17,698
Folks, I actually just came back
from doing a USO comedy tour.

1399
01:11:17,700 --> 01:11:20,200
I went to Afghanistan,
Baghdad, Kuwait.

1400
01:11:20,202 --> 01:11:22,106
I went to go entertain
the troops.

1401
01:11:22,438 --> 01:11:23,773
Right?

1402
01:11:25,741 --> 01:11:26,975
Now, if you guys remember,

1403
01:11:26,977 --> 01:11:28,877
when we first went
to war out there,

1404
01:11:28,879 --> 01:11:30,211
France didn't want
to help America.

1405
01:11:30,213 --> 01:11:31,215
Y'all remember that?

1406
01:11:31,447 --> 01:11:33,181
France didn't want
to help America.

1407
01:11:33,183 --> 01:11:35,850
So I told the troops
if I ran the country

1408
01:11:35,852 --> 01:11:37,785
and France didn't want
to help America,

1409
01:11:37,787 --> 01:11:40,055
I'd cut the head off
the Statue of Liberty

1410
01:11:40,057 --> 01:11:42,193
and send it back to France
as a warning.

1411
01:11:44,996 --> 01:11:47,096
People, don't make me
paint a picture for you.

1412
01:11:47,098 --> 01:11:48,798
Imagine the French ambassador

1413
01:11:48,800 --> 01:11:50,331
seeing the head
of the Statue of Liberty

1414
01:11:50,333 --> 01:11:52,170
come floating back in on a boat.

1415
01:11:53,136 --> 01:11:54,937
Ok, but there's no body parts,

1416
01:11:54,939 --> 01:11:57,740
just a head all fucked up
with an icepick in the eye.

1417
01:11:59,210 --> 01:12:00,809
That's sending a message.

1418
01:12:00,811 --> 01:12:02,178
Oh!

1419
01:12:02,180 --> 01:12:04,013
C'mon you wanna talk
about discrimination?

1420
01:12:04,015 --> 01:12:06,348
Whenever the Italians are
on television or movies,

1421
01:12:06,350 --> 01:12:07,819
what do they make us play?

1422
01:12:08,087 --> 01:12:09,452
- Mob.
- Mafia, right?

1423
01:12:09,454 --> 01:12:11,388
That's discrimination
against the Italians.

1424
01:12:11,390 --> 01:12:14,291
And all I ever wanted to play
was a mob boss in a mob movie

1425
01:12:14,293 --> 01:12:16,826
and I've been in two of 'em,
and in both of them

1426
01:12:16,828 --> 01:12:18,961
I was the Irish cop
that got whacked

1427
01:12:18,963 --> 01:12:20,296
in the first 60 seconds.

1428
01:12:23,935 --> 01:12:25,501
Get the Italians
are on some better shows.

1429
01:12:25,503 --> 01:12:27,269
You know,
more educational type shows

1430
01:12:27,271 --> 01:12:28,240
for the children.

1431
01:12:29,240 --> 01:12:30,307
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

1432
01:12:30,309 --> 01:12:32,009
You guys remember the movie
The Sixth Sense?

1433
01:12:32,011 --> 01:12:33,443
- Yeah!
- Yeah!

1434
01:12:33,445 --> 01:12:35,378
That would be a good place
for an Italian actor.

1435
01:12:35,380 --> 01:12:38,185
Because then that little boy
would've been considered a rat.

1436
01:12:40,853 --> 01:12:43,153
Think about it, he woulda went,
"I see dead people!"

1437
01:12:43,155 --> 01:12:44,522
Guy woulda said,
"Shut the fuck up.

1438
01:12:44,524 --> 01:12:45,890
You don't see nobody.

1439
01:12:46,993 --> 01:12:48,262
We buried them good.

1440
01:12:49,128 --> 01:12:51,128
Next dead person you gonna see
gonna be you.

1441
01:12:51,130 --> 01:12:52,497
Now go look for yourself."

1442
01:12:52,499 --> 01:12:53,734
Ohh!

1443
01:12:55,134 --> 01:12:58,870
And naturally you people
know most of the craziest trials

1444
01:12:58,872 --> 01:13:00,972
come out of California.
Don't they, folks?

1445
01:13:00,974 --> 01:13:03,141
You see the trials
that come out of California:

1446
01:13:03,143 --> 01:13:06,278
O.J. Simpson, Laci Peterson,
Robert Blake...

1447
01:13:06,280 --> 01:13:08,012
Even the whole
Michael Jackson trial

1448
01:13:08,014 --> 01:13:09,950
to me was like
a California event.

1449
01:13:10,151 --> 01:13:11,917
'Cause I always tell
the people there

1450
01:13:11,919 --> 01:13:13,519
if they ever killed anybody
from New York or New Jersey,

1451
01:13:13,521 --> 01:13:16,124
that shit never
would've made it to a trial.

1452
01:13:16,322 --> 01:13:18,090
Ooh!

1453
01:13:18,092 --> 01:13:20,028
C'mon people, don't make me
paint a picture for you here.

1454
01:13:20,862 --> 01:13:24,734
Imagine if O.J. Simpson killed
someone from an Italian family.

1455
01:13:25,065 --> 01:13:27,267
That judge woulda asked
the family one time,

1456
01:13:27,269 --> 01:13:30,473
"Does the family
wish to press charges?"

1457
01:13:31,005 --> 01:13:33,007
Family woulda went, "Ha ha ha...

1458
01:13:34,341 --> 01:13:35,310
No.

1459
01:13:36,278 --> 01:13:37,446
Let him go."

1460
01:13:38,046 --> 01:13:39,749
Yeah, "We forgive him.

1461
01:13:40,549 --> 01:13:43,951
Better yet, judge,
we'll drive him home from here.

1462
01:13:45,887 --> 01:13:49,258
Vinny! Get the bat,
O.J. is coming over."

1463
01:13:49,992 --> 01:13:51,925
That's my time, you guys
have been a great crowd.

1464
01:13:51,927 --> 01:13:53,160
I'm Mike Marino.

1465
01:13:53,162 --> 01:13:54,765
Thank you very much, folks.

1466
01:13:55,131 --> 01:13:56,897
- Thank you, buddy.
- Appreciate it.

1467
01:13:56,899 --> 01:13:58,301
Mike Marino, everybody!

1468
01:14:04,006 --> 01:14:05,342
Mike Marino!

1469
01:14:07,909 --> 01:14:09,310
Mike Marino,
ladies and gentlemen.

1470
01:14:09,312 --> 01:14:11,846
That man is going places.
Is he funny or what?

1471
01:14:11,848 --> 01:14:12,984
Yeah!

1472
01:14:14,951 --> 01:14:16,220
Alright, now...

1473
01:14:17,454 --> 01:14:20,224
Now I have to tell you
that this last guest

1474
01:14:21,158 --> 01:14:23,058
warms my heart,
that I have the opportunity

1475
01:14:23,060 --> 01:14:25,126
to be on this stage
in my own place

1476
01:14:25,128 --> 01:14:26,497
and do this introduction.

1477
01:14:27,097 --> 01:14:30,232
Ladies and gentlemen,
in his Basement debut,

1478
01:14:30,234 --> 01:14:33,435
my personal friend Simon McCabe.

1479
01:14:33,437 --> 01:14:34,569
Give it up for Simon!

1480
01:14:41,478 --> 01:14:42,914
Simon!

1481
01:14:54,558 --> 01:14:56,927
Thank you very much,
it's very kind of you.

1482
01:14:56,929 --> 01:14:59,495
So, ladies and gentlemen,
if you were to win the lottery,

1483
01:14:59,497 --> 01:15:00,931
or you make a lot of money,

1484
01:15:00,933 --> 01:15:02,531
what's the first thing
you're gonna do?

1485
01:15:02,533 --> 01:15:04,002
You're gonna buy a car.

1486
01:15:05,136 --> 01:15:06,973
A nice car
if you're a guy, right?

1487
01:15:07,305 --> 01:15:09,373
So this penguin
wins a million dollars...

1488
01:15:11,943 --> 01:15:14,912
...and he buys
a brand new 2018 Camaro.

1489
01:15:14,914 --> 01:15:16,646
It's gorgeous, it's beautiful.

1490
01:15:16,648 --> 01:15:18,080
He loves this car.

1491
01:15:18,082 --> 01:15:19,382
So he's driving on a highway,

1492
01:15:19,384 --> 01:15:21,619
and he hears a knock
on the engine.

1493
01:15:21,621 --> 01:15:23,290
It's about 11:55 a.m.

1494
01:15:23,622 --> 01:15:27,458
So he goes to a GM dealership,
which was right off the highway.

1495
01:15:27,460 --> 01:15:29,262
And he goes, "Listen...

1496
01:15:34,134 --> 01:15:35,666
...there's a knock
on the fucking engine.

1497
01:15:35,668 --> 01:15:39,003
I love this car. I love it,
it's my first serious car."

1498
01:15:39,005 --> 01:15:41,004
So the service advisor says,

1499
01:15:41,006 --> 01:15:42,942
"Listen, it's 11:55,
it's a union shop,

1500
01:15:43,243 --> 01:15:44,943
everybody goes to lunch
at twelve o'clock.

1501
01:15:44,945 --> 01:15:46,946
There's a Dairy Queen across
the street, go over there.

1502
01:15:46,948 --> 01:15:50,151
Get yourself an ice cream.
After lunch we'll look at it."

1503
01:15:50,551 --> 01:15:51,887
Penguin goes, "Ok."

1504
01:15:53,553 --> 01:15:55,554
Goes across,
one o'clock he shuffles back,

1505
01:15:55,556 --> 01:15:58,260
he's got this triple-decker
vanilla ice cream.

1506
01:15:59,459 --> 01:16:00,494
Goes to the guy,

1507
01:16:01,462 --> 01:16:03,261
"Did you get a chance
to look at my car?"

1508
01:16:03,263 --> 01:16:05,030
Goes, "Yeah, it looks like
you blew a seal."

1509
01:16:05,032 --> 01:16:07,435
He goes "Fuck you! All I'm doing
is licking the ice cream."

1510
01:16:10,605 --> 01:16:12,208
Thank you. You're very kind.

1511
01:16:19,047 --> 01:16:21,180
So a friend of mine...

1512
01:16:21,182 --> 01:16:22,716
Any dog people?
You guys like dogs?

1513
01:16:22,718 --> 01:16:24,186
- Yeah!
- Yes.

1514
01:16:24,453 --> 01:16:26,185
You can tell a lot
about a human being

1515
01:16:26,187 --> 01:16:27,420
if they're a dog guy.

1516
01:16:27,422 --> 01:16:29,021
But some people
get carried away,

1517
01:16:29,023 --> 01:16:30,390
everybody thinks
their dog's the smartest.

1518
01:16:30,392 --> 01:16:31,757
They post them on Facebook...

1519
01:16:31,759 --> 01:16:33,461
But this guy
took his dog everywhere.

1520
01:16:33,463 --> 01:16:35,096
So he's in a bar
and his friend goes,

1521
01:16:35,098 --> 01:16:36,529
"You know, it's a little weird

1522
01:16:36,531 --> 01:16:38,099
that you go everywhere
with your dog."

1523
01:16:38,101 --> 01:16:40,570
He goes,
"My dog is a fucking genius.

1524
01:16:41,004 --> 01:16:42,569
My dog can do anything."

1525
01:16:42,571 --> 01:16:44,672
The guy goes "Really?" Guy goes,
"Watch this. Rover, come here.

1526
01:16:44,674 --> 01:16:46,207
Go get me a gin and tonic."

1527
01:16:46,209 --> 01:16:48,211
"Alright."
Dog goes to the bar...

1528
01:16:52,781 --> 01:16:54,347
He goes,
"What are you drinking?"

1529
01:16:54,349 --> 01:16:56,450
"Very dry martini,
dirty, with one olive."

1530
01:16:56,452 --> 01:16:59,588
"Rover, dry martini,
dirty with one olive."

1531
01:16:59,590 --> 01:17:00,688
"Alright."

1532
01:17:05,662 --> 01:17:08,629
So guy says, "Big fuck. Your dog
knows how to make drinks."

1533
01:17:08,631 --> 01:17:10,565
He goes, "My dog's a genius,
he can do anything."

1534
01:17:10,567 --> 01:17:12,034
He goes,
"Let's put him to the test.

1535
01:17:12,036 --> 01:17:13,270
I'll give him 20 dollars,

1536
01:17:13,470 --> 01:17:16,574
tell him to get me
a small Marlborough.

1537
01:17:17,306 --> 01:17:20,244
Regular. And bring me back
the exact change."

1538
01:17:20,444 --> 01:17:22,014
"Rover, 20 bucks,

1539
01:17:22,413 --> 01:17:24,546
small Marlborough, regular.

1540
01:17:24,548 --> 01:17:25,781
Bring back the change."

1541
01:17:25,783 --> 01:17:27,385
"Alright". Dog leaves.

1542
01:17:28,653 --> 01:17:30,585
Fifteen minutes,
twenty minutes goes by,

1543
01:17:30,587 --> 01:17:33,321
guy goes, "You know what?
Your dog's fucked,

1544
01:17:33,323 --> 01:17:35,791
he's stupid, he's just a dog,
and I lost 20 bucks."

1545
01:17:35,793 --> 01:17:37,692
He goes,
"No way. Something's wrong.

1546
01:17:37,694 --> 01:17:39,295
My dog wouldn't do this."

1547
01:17:39,297 --> 01:17:41,063
So they go looking for him
all over the place.

1548
01:17:41,065 --> 01:17:42,464
Finally get to a park...

1549
01:17:42,466 --> 01:17:44,367
"Rover, Rover!"
They looked and there's Rover

1550
01:17:44,369 --> 01:17:46,569
banging the hell
out of this French poodle.

1551
01:17:48,106 --> 01:17:49,473
So guy taps him
on the back goes,

1552
01:17:49,475 --> 01:17:51,140
"Rover, you never did
this before."

1553
01:17:51,142 --> 01:17:52,511
"I never had the money."

1554
01:17:54,146 --> 01:17:55,315
Thank you.

1555
01:18:00,485 --> 01:18:02,187
Simon McCabe!

1556
01:19:55,438 --> 01:19:56,805
I just sold my first car

1557
01:19:56,807 --> 01:19:58,707
and I totally grossed
the piss out of this guy.

1558
01:19:58,709 --> 01:19:59,808
And cut. Keep rolling.

1559
01:19:59,810 --> 01:20:00,809
Do it again.

1560
01:20:00,811 --> 01:20:01,976
-You pissed the gross...

1561
01:20:01,978 --> 01:20:03,912
- I pissed the gross
right out of him.

1562
01:20:03,914 --> 01:20:05,814
- You got it?
- Can you do another one?

1563
01:20:05,816 --> 01:20:07,082
No.

1564
01:20:07,084 --> 01:20:09,452
I don't believe in that shit.
You've got to make a right here.

1565
01:20:09,454 --> 01:20:11,654
Yeah, but this goes north.
I want to go south.

1566
01:20:11,656 --> 01:20:13,388
Yeah, so we can't go south
this way,

1567
01:20:13,390 --> 01:20:14,423
I fucked up.

1568
01:20:14,425 --> 01:20:16,458
Why are we fucking talking?

1569
01:20:16,460 --> 01:20:17,695
What's going on here?

1570
01:20:18,429 --> 01:20:20,696
What's going on here?
Didn't you say "action"?

1571
01:20:20,698 --> 01:20:21,897
Yeah.

1572
01:20:21,899 --> 01:20:23,399
Keep that fucking thing up
there, brother.

1573
01:20:23,401 --> 01:20:24,833
I love you. I don't wanna...

1574
01:20:24,835 --> 01:20:26,535
it's not a Canadian movie
where we'll get knocked out

1575
01:20:26,537 --> 01:20:28,303
with a fucking boom.

1576
01:20:28,305 --> 01:20:30,306
I haven't been to bed yet, guys.

1577
01:20:30,308 --> 01:20:31,642
How can I fucking work
without sleep, dude?

1578
01:20:31,644 --> 01:20:33,310
Who can remember all this shit?

1579
01:20:33,312 --> 01:20:34,848
Action! Action.

1580
01:20:35,348 --> 01:20:36,480
Start again.

1581
01:20:36,482 --> 01:20:37,748
Do it again, do it again.
Hang on.

1582
01:20:37,750 --> 01:20:40,017
- I want it to be fluid, ok?
- Ok.

1583
01:20:40,019 --> 01:20:41,317
Action.

1584
01:20:41,319 --> 01:20:42,555
See this here?

1585
01:20:42,854 --> 01:20:44,454
You know I love you, right?

1586
01:20:44,456 --> 01:20:46,522
But every time you do this,
it gets lower and lower.

1587
01:20:46,524 --> 01:20:48,258
You trying to kill me?

1588
01:20:48,260 --> 01:20:49,862
Your favorite wine, Simon?

1589
01:20:50,263 --> 01:20:51,495
Please.

1590
01:20:51,497 --> 01:20:52,896
Fuck it. Do it again.

1591
01:20:52,898 --> 01:20:54,831
I'm not going to see it,
but she's going to see it.

1592
01:20:56,336 --> 01:20:58,372
I need menus, and I need
two more of these.

1593
01:20:59,472 --> 01:21:02,339
Get out of my shot, people.

1594
01:21:02,341 --> 01:21:04,511
Hey Ed, I can hear you.

1595
01:21:05,345 --> 01:21:06,777
Ed, I can hear you.

1596
01:21:06,779 --> 01:21:07,881
What's happening, bro?

1597
01:21:08,382 --> 01:21:10,618
Sun tanning my balls.

1598
01:21:13,353 --> 01:21:15,288
What a world they live in.

1599
01:21:27,371 --> 01:21:29,695
Subtitles by explosiveskull