Teamplay Behavior - The Finer Points
By Orville Walsh

A good team is like a powerful, finely tuned marriage. Members form strategies together, capture objectives together, and then finally unlock cosmetic items together. A bad team, on the other hand, is an ugly, embarassing thing characterized by bickering, sloppy plays, frustration, and team wipes.

Nearly all bad matches have on thing in common: poor teamplay behavior (TB). This is true even if no team members are explicitly griefing. Unfortunately, too many rules of teamplay behavior remain unspoken. Some leaders seem to assume that their teammates already have strong and generous characters like their own. But judging from a few of the gamers we've encountered, more rules ought to be spelled out. Here are twelve of them.

RULE #1 Don't leave. Sometimes, a match doesn't go well. You find that the game is not just unfun, it is agony. You may furious because a teammate is doing poorly, or humilitated because you are doing poorly. Your friends might be fighting, the game might be glitching, some jerk in the other team might be using the chat to twist your thumbscrews. At these times, yanking out your power cable seems like an elegant solution to your troubles. Don't do it. Rage quitting is the absolute worst thing you can do for your reputation as a team player. When you quit, your teammates will imagine you crying in the corner like a baby. So instead of quitting the game forever, try quitting it for ten seconds. Wait until your character is in the spawn, take off your headset, and take ten deep breaths.

RULE #2 Make sure your stuff works. Your mouse, keyboard, graphics card, internet connection, and game should be set up before you so much as whisper your intention to play a competitive match. Double check that that game you are about to play is installed and patched. Your teammates need to know you are competetent enough to run a videogame on a computer without hassle. Some technical difficulties are unavoidable, such as the internet disconnecting, the game not running correctly, or mom needing you to take out the garbage. If you anticipate these becoming an issue, warn your teammates about them before they happen.

RULE #3 Be patient while everything gets organized. Just like how a five-star restaurant takes longer to bring out your food than a McDonald's, the experience of playing a competitive game with a good team can take time to set up. If you cannot play a game without waiting fifteen minutes for it to start, play Bejeweled. Otherwise, wait quietly until everyone is ready. If you are one of those people who hops into the discord, loudly demands that a team materializes in front of you, and threatens to leave if five minutes pass, I can guarantee that behind your back, the people you regularly play with are making fun of you. If you do this while also being a frequent cause of delays, you are probably a meme to them, and there is no hope for you.

RULE #4 Be pleasant to the ears. Humans are fickle creatures. You may be an upstanding gamer who follows all the other rules in this document, but if you produce irritating sounds, the people you play with will dislike you. Do everything you can to make your voice a thing of angelic beauty. Spend an hour tweaking your mic settings so that it cannot pick up the sound of breathing or keys getting pressed. If you cannot do this, get good at using Push-To-Talk. If you are prepubescent, it is almost certain that you have a shrill voice with a painful Lovecraftian tamber. Download a voice changer and lower the pitch until you sound like a character from delocated.

RULE #5 Relay important information.

RULE #6 Speak in short sentences, then shut up.

RULE #7 Don't complain about random factors.

RULE #8 Do not claim to play "for fun."

RULE #9 Do not tell your teammates to "get on the point."

RULE #10 Do what your teammates tell you to do.

RULE #11 Be honest about your skill set.

RULE #12 Do not be a hotshot.