RNE PR PR

PR notes to saitm from meterion
Main corrections below, comments to follow.

[1]
I wonder how she and the supervisor will handle this..."Statue of Acambaro?"
I’m curious to see how her and the supervisor will handle this…..."Statue of Acambaro?"
#"her and the supervisor" > "she and the supervisor"

[2]
Alrighty I'm gonna go give Piyo-chan her treats!
Alrighty I'm gonna go give Piyo-chan her treats!
# insert a comma after Alrighty
[4]
Morning...but she's charging at us so fiercely!?
Morning...but why is she running towards us!?
#running > charging

[5]
What's wrong hana-chan? Did you run into a pervert?
What's wrong hana-chan? Did some pervert run into you?
#hana > Hana

[7]
Sure is bitter sweet...
This will be sweet...
#removing "bitter" was a mistake

Oyo?/Speak of the devil he's coming over here.
Oyo?/Speaking of the devil, he's coming over here.
#the phease is "speak of the devil"

[12]
Sure bouncing well today too.
Sure bouncing well today too.[?]
#referring to boobs, I assume

[13]
My role is to fill master's imperfections. Please wake up Hana-san...There's a few questions I have for you.
My role is to fill master's imperfections. Please wake up Hana-san...There are  a few questions that I have for you.
#extra space. "master" should be capitalized as it's used as a title/name.

[17]
What!? Don't tell me you guys are gonna go do sexy stuff!
What!? Don't tell me you guys are planning on doing something sexy at the animal shack!
# "at the animal shack" is unnecessary, was just said. "there" is sufficient

Huh!? N, No!
Huh!? N, No!
# This is a matter of style/preference, but I think the "em dash" is better suited for these things: "N—No!"

[18]
You pickin a fight!?/You're pissing me off taking chicks around with you!!
You pickin a fight!?/You're pissing me off, trying to take the chicks with you!!
# "take the chicks" > take these chicks

[22]
We're going to move behind cover./Akanegasaki...calm down and walk slowly.
We're going to move behind the cover./Akanegasaki...calm down and walk slowly.
# "the" should be removed.

[24]
Piyochan's...Name tag?
Piyochan's...His name tag?
# If you were going to change it to this, you should have removed the 's. The original line works better, just lowercase Name. Imagine if the parenthesis was not there and how the line would sound.

[30]
If we leave it be, the disaster area will spread and severe repercussions will come about.
If we leave it be, the disaster area will spread and it will only get worst..
# "worst" > "worse"

[33]
I'm not Okay! But...I can't do anything for Piyo-chan.
I'm not Okay! But...there is nothing I can do for Piyo-chan.
# lowercase "Okay"

So it's unfair to push it all on Kagimori...and hate you for it.
So it's unfair to blame it all on Kagimori...and hate you for that.
# "that" should be "it"

[35]
Roger that master.
Roger that master.
# "master" should be cap

[38]
Identifying enemies through sounds meant...
If its identifying its enemies through sound, that means...
# no. this should all be in the past tense, look at next lines

the main body was not capturing targets with its eyes or light./Therefore, there is a main body which is surrounded by stone and as long as you destroyed the outer stone body, the main body would be safe.
the main body was not aiming targets using its eyes or light./Therefore, there is a main body which is surrounded by stone and as long as you destroyed the outer stone body, the main body should be safe.
# From context, this should all be in the past tense. The use of "main body" twice by the TL was likely an error, since the main body can't both be stone and the bird. There's too many sections to correct individually, so:
# the bird wasn't aiming at targets with its eyes or light./Therefore, there must have been a smaller body surrounded by stone and as long as you destroyed the outer stone body, the main body would be safe.

In addition, thinking it had been infected by D-parts during summer break meant it had only been infected for a short period of time./Well...it was a gamble but it all worked out.
Moreover, assuming that she  has only been infected by D-parts during the summer break, this must  mean that it has only been infected for a short period of time./Well...it truly was a gamble but it all worked out.
# "she has" > "it had", "it has only" > "it had only", lots of extra spaces. There should be a space after the ellipses.

[END]

Overall, your main problems are missing grammar and syntax issues. Going over the script after you've made changes and reading it aloud should help with that. One thing in particular is that you mix up tenses, or just unnecessarily switch tenses like in [38].

There are some parts where you rewrite the original script that doesn't really improve the translation. The very first line where you remove "been" is an example of this. The original line worked fine. Personally I would recommend against doing changes for the sake of change, as it means the TL has to review more and more of the script. Of course, if you do think the script flows better that way, then it's just a matter of personal style differences.

In page [4], where you change "charging" to "running" is another problem. While it's not a huge change in the grand scheme of the chapter, you have to assume the TL's choice of wording is trying to be as true to the original as possible. In that line, the words "charging" and "fiercely" are used. Changing it to "running" changes the tone unnecessarily.

There wasn't anything else wrong with the PR that I could see other than those things.