Update

I feel like a big pathetic dumb for feeling the need to write something like this up but I guess I'm doing it to kind of log my thoughts on what's been going on in my life so that I can see the progress or lack therefore. Also it's maybe good to dump some emotions that have been building up. Then again, this might just be a symptom of obsessing over things. The point is, I'm writing this for me and if someone is reading this and happens to care, then good for you. It's gonna be long and sad and very self-centered so I don't expect anyone to slog through it.

It's been a week since my breakup about and I can't say I'm particularly doing any better. I guess my mood has changed but I wouldn't consider it an improvement. At this point I'm cycling through it being the only thing I can think of and a lethargic mindless mood, neither are very good. I'm worried I'm being a bit obsessive over this. Well actually, I know I am, but I guess the question I keep asking myself is whether or not that's a bad things.

And I guess that bring me to an aspect of this that I think isn't very healthy of me to be thinking about. So the reason for the breakup was apparently that she was struggling with depression and anxiety and that she needed time to work on herself, which I respect and cannot fault her for. It breaks my heart, that it has to be this way but if she thinks it's gotta be this way, then there's nothing I can or should do. Because of this reason, when we were discussing all of this, I asked her if any of the situation had anything to do with me, was I a problem. She told me I wasn't and that it was very hard for her because she wanted to make things work but felt she couldn't. The mistake I made was that I asked if when she got stuff sorted out if there would be any chance we could try things again, and she told me it was definitely a possibility and she had been thinking about it. So now all I'm thinking about is the shit I need to do to maybe one day be in a position where we can be together again, and I think that's giving me hope and motivation, but also maybe halting some progress.

And then once again, I need to ask myself if that's really a bad thing. If in the future things could ever work out between us again, I'd probably say the bad times now would be worth it. But the pessimistic and realistic side of me realizes that the odds of that actually happening are probably slim. But then again, I guess I don't really know because I still feel like I can't understand her emotions that led to this in the first place, and so I go in circles.

And look, I know this would probably all sound very fucking dumb to anyone who is reading this. It seems that clearly the best option would be to hurry up and move on with shit, put things in the past. Waiting two years or so for someone who may or may not be available or feel the same way by that point is clearly not a good move.

But then I think back to how good things were, how compatible we felt, even up to the bitter end. Look, this is actually going to sound insane, but I'm not very confident I could find someone who I worked better with than her. That sounds so dismissive, and yes, very obsessive of me to say, not to mention quite pathetic, and I know it can't actually be the case, but that doesn't mean I won't be haunted by that "what if" for the rest of my life. I know for a fact that I'm not lying to myself when I say that being with her was the happiest time in my life by far despite the geographical distance. I have no doubt I can find someone I can love and work with, but wow, I don't want the other romantic experiences in my life to be in the shadow of how good the majority of this one was and having to think about how none of them are as good. Again, yes, it sounds crazy, and I know it can't really be true, but it scares me. You get to do this whole life thing once, and man it would really fucking blow if I couldn't help but think about how things aren't as good as they could be.

We were really good, and honestly if she told me that she'd be available and ready to try again after she finished school in two years, I'd probably fucking wait even if she wouldn't be able to necessarily keep that promise. It just really means a lot to me and this whole thing is messing me up.

And so I guess I've been trying to think of ways that we can still keep in touch without it being weird. If there's any chance that things could ever work again, it probably wouldn't happen if I just purged her from my life. Right now, it feels like she's doing that to me and it really makes me feel like there's a lot more to why she ended things in the first place even though I don't think she'd lie about it. What comes to mind is that the stress of the distance was too much and the commitment of me being there would have gotten in the way of things she maybe cared about more like her social life. If I found out that's the case, I'd be really fucking sad that I wasn't important enough to fit into her life. But then again, I think this is just the paranoid part of my brain running wild.

My thoughts are very scattered and I'm still very upset about everything. I've reached out to some old friends in the area and I think I have some plans to meet up with people at some point but it won't be for awhile and honestly, I just really need to be with friends sooner rather than later. I'm not really sure what I'm doing with my future besides working because right now it feels like I have no friends I'm close with and I just mope around all day. I'm not working towards anything and it makes me feel like complete shit.

I want to be happy, but I am not in a good place right now. I have no motivation, no ambitions that I'm proud of, I'm obsessing over this whole things, and I just want things back to how they were so fucking badly. The thought of probably never getting to see someone I love so much ever again makes me sick to my stomach and I haven't really been able to eat much because of it. It's all really starting to affect my mental and physical health.

I hope by next week I've improved some, but so far, I wouldn't exactly consider any of this progress.