The day my son (16M) was born was probably the proudest day of my life. Sadly, it had turned into one of my biggest regrets. Since he was young he loved sports, playing football with his buddies in the back garden. I (63M) thought he'd turn into a pro and become as good as Wayne Rooney and I'd be a proud daddy.

The day I bought him a laptop for his 15th birthday was when things all changed. More specifically, the day he discovered Arch Linux. It was like watching a donkey turn into an brown bear that is severely handicapped (mentally and physically).

Every morning at 5am he'd Naruto run around the neighborhood screaming "I use Arch btw" and "Ubuntu is for beta male cucks". We live near a retirement home so the old codgers despised that, they have put many reports in to the police. Thankfully due to austerity (<3 Margaret Thatcher) they didn't have the resources to do anything. Also they knew he had severe assburgers.

My wife (26F) loves knitting, so for Christmas she decided to make him a giant GNU/Linux tuxedo penguin called Gentoo. My son loved him and brought it with him everywhere, even to school! People at school would constantly bully him and snatch Gentoo away, dipping the penguin in BBQ sauce in the canteen etc. and calling him a fat Linux nerd. At parents evening, every teacher was concerned as to why my son loved this giant knitted penguin so much, and that he needs to grow up and focus on his grades.

On New Years day, I saw something my eyes wished they hadn't seen. Instead of lighting fireworks in the back garden like I told him to, he was balls deep in this damn knitted penguin. He was murmuring some weird ritual about how pacman is the supreme GNU/Linux package manager. I shouted at him, snatching the penguin off him. “Gentoo doesn’t deserve this” I screamed, taking the penguin with me. He locked his bedroom door and wouldn’t speak to me. That very night I spent ages in the kitchen squeezing his fruity semen out of the knitted penguin into a bowl (my wife (26F) loves making me protein shakes for after my cross-fit lessons). Thankfully I hadn’t yet fed my dog so I let him lick the sticky goodness out of Gentoo’s underside, I reckon if I put Gentoo in the laundry he would fall apart so good job he was hungry.

The next morning my son apologized and said he’s going back to Windows 10 Home Premium 64 bit, even though he doesn’t like Microsoft spying on his questionable internet habits. Tragically that evening I found him hanging from the ceiling. Thank you for listening, I really needed to get this off my chest and vent.